{"id":147860,"date":"2023-05-04T14:28:59","date_gmt":"2023-05-04T19:28:59","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/?p=147860"},"modified":"2025-02-13T13:08:12","modified_gmt":"2025-02-13T18:08:12","slug":"all-there-tips-on-how-to-be-present-with-others","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/equip\/all-there-tips-on-how-to-be-present-with-others\/","title":{"rendered":"All There: Tips on How To Be Present with Others"},"content":{"rendered":"
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Ever get that feeling the person in front of you is there, but not there?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I\u2019m quite guilty of causing this myself. Like those moments my kids are telling me something, and I hear, \u201cMom.\u201d <\/em>Because I\u2019m too often multitasking, probably for their sakes, but I may still not be present in the moment they care about.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Or sometimes I\u2019ve been going so hard for so long, ignoring the fact that I\u2019m depleted or worn out or need care, my own need saps my ability to truly be present and fully give of myself. Metaphorically, I\u2019m too hungry to be handing out food. I might make the right gestures or expressions or noises, but as far as that whole \u201cLove must be sincere\u201d thing (Romans 12:9<\/a> NIV)? I\u2019m duplicitous.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Presence is something we don\u2019t do well as a culture. (Maybe it\u2019s just a human-being thing.) It\u2019s a little easier to be present with our to-do list or one of 13 notifications (often giving the idea our phones are more compelling than people). Maybe we\u2019re playing Candy Crush and a spouse decides it\u2019s not worth the wait to talk about the day together.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Unfortunately, our lack of presence results in an entire continent of the emotionally starved. Presence is a precious form of love.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

What presence is<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

Presence<\/em> is why I ask my teens to pull out the earbuds and set down their phones when they\u2019re with actual people. It\u2019s the reason I\u2019m trying more to set down my tasks and take that beat for some eye contact. Presence is about the person across from me receiving 90-100% of my mental pie graph.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I\u2019ll define presence like this: to be wholly there.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Once, I was head down in writing a letter to my husband\u2019s and my financial supporters for our ministry. But when my husband walked into the kitchen, he asked, \u201cWhy does your face look like it\u2019s got its tail between its legs?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I cast him a sheepish look. \u201cI just declined a phone call from [a very talkative person].\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

He looked at me. \u201cYou can\u2019t be present with everyone all the time. Right now, you\u2019re present with our supporters. By definition, being present somewhere means not being present elsewhere.\u201d So part of presence involves boundaries. For me, that means not answering my phone when I\u2019m in the middle of deep conversation. (My family knows this.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Authors John and Stasi Eldredge note in Captivated,<\/em> \u201cThe gift of presence is a rare and beautiful gift. To come\u2015unguarded, undistracted\u2015and be fully present, fully engaged with whoever we are with at that moment. When we offer our unguarded presence, we live like Jesus.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Presence recalls the God who wasn\u2019t content with never being seen, never touching, with a self-centered failure to engage: \u201cThe Word became flesh and blood, and moved into the neighborhood\u201d (John 1:14<\/a>, MSG).<\/p>\n\n\n\n

What does it look like to be present?<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

Scripturally, I find evidence that presence begins by being fully present with God. When Paul commands, \u201cDo nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others\u201d (Philippians 2:3-4), check out two verses before: \u201cSo if there is any encouragement in Christ, any comfort from love, any participation in the Spirit, any affection and sympathy\u2026\u201d (verse 1).<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Our ability to set aside the psychological and spiritual noise of our own agendas and cravings begins with being encouraged and comforted by experiencing God\u2019s kindness to us. Shauna Niequist writes in Present over Perfect, \u201c<\/em>What kills a soul? Exhaustion, secret keeping, image management. And what brings a soul back from the dead? Honesty, connection, grace. \u2026.[Present over perfect is] about rejecting the myth that every day is a new opportunity to prove our worth, and about the truth that our worth is inherent, given by God, not earned by our hustling.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Personally, when I\u2019m not starting my day satisfied in God, a hollowness unsteadies me. I desire fiercely to matter, for my work to matter. To be desired and appreciated, valued, attractive, and wanted. To make a difference and feel confident that I am distinctive and have something to offer. That I am received and longed for.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Hear that \u201capproval\u201d thread throughout? That yawning chasm in me?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Our dissatisfaction\u2013usually believing the lies Henri Nouwen encapsulates as \u201cI am what I do,\u201d or what we have, or what others think of us\u2013leaves us feeling hungry. And in that hunger, it\u2019s hard to know how to be present with someone else.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

But God responds to our hunger with unchanging, solid, satisfying value, saying:<\/p>\n\n\n\n