{"id":147518,"date":"2023-04-10T14:31:47","date_gmt":"2023-04-10T19:31:47","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/?p=147518"},"modified":"2023-04-10T14:31:47","modified_gmt":"2023-04-10T19:31:47","slug":"how-do-i-coach-someone-through-conflict-management","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/equip\/how-do-i-coach-someone-through-conflict-management\/","title":{"rendered":"How Do I Coach Someone Through Conflict Management?"},"content":{"rendered":"
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I kind of hate conflict management.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Personal conflict tends to sideline me in that head-between-my-knees, breathe-into-a-paper-bag way any of us would find attractive and mature. Which is why, when it\u2019s over, part of me would opt to skip away with a \u201ctra-la-la\u201d brand of obliviousness. Maybe I would spring to the beach, where I could bury parts of my body in the warm sand. Preferably my head.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

After a recent conflict weirdness, to quote Taylor Swift, I was more than ready to shake it off! Shake it off!<\/em>  <\/p>\n\n\n\n

To be clear, some idols of mine had been uncovered. Desires had swollen beyond proportion, to become too valuable to me and become demands. The underbelly of who I am had been exposed. But considering the favorable outcome of the conflict, it was a kind way for God to expose some of my soul holes.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

And because of this general truth about conflicts, they\u2019re full of loss. How can you help a friend navigate conflict?<\/p>\n\n\n

What if conflict is an opportunity?<\/h2>\n\n\n

Personal conflict isn\u2019t opportunity to win.<\/a> Or always agree.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

See, Jesus was God\u2019s response to our conflict with Him. And He puts the replay into our hands: \u201cThrough Christ [God] reconciled us to himself and gave us the ministry of reconciliation; that is, in Christ God was reconciling the world to himself, not counting their trespasses against them, and entrusting to us the message of reconciliation.<\/em> Therefore, we are ambassadors for Christ, God making his appeal through us\u201d<\/em> (2 Corinthians 5:18-20, emphasis added).<\/p>\n\n\n\n

So conflict morphs into an opportunity. It\u2019s an invitation to honor God, to love others well, to look more like Jesus, and for both parties to shape each other. And in that, to say, This is what God\u2019s heart looks like.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

James 4:1 reminds me what pulls the puppet strings on my own conflicts: \u201cWhat causes quarrels and what causes fights among you? Is it not this, that your passions are at war within you?\u201d  <\/p>\n\n\n\n

So help your friend think through the pain point that\u2019s become so important to them. What feels trampled on? Beneath the presenting issue, what do they want?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

In my own conflicts, my desires-turned-demands often become more valuable than loving well through differences. Or trusting God\u2019s plan rather than mine and relying on the work of His Holy Spirit more than my control.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

My personal goals inflate beyond finding \u201cunity of mind, sympathy, brotherly love, a tender heart, and a humble mind\u201d (1 Peter 3:8) with other members of God\u2019s body, or beyond compassion for those who don\u2019t know Him yet.<\/p>\n\n\n

Conflict management: Ain\u2019t nobody got time for that<\/h2>\n\n\n

The values of an acquaintance of mine sometimes bring to mind the sensation of shampoo in my eyes, complete with the anxiety and anger. In truth, sometimes those values make me feel straight-up afraid.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

But thinking about this person recently, the Holy Spirit brought up Romans 5:8: God closed the gap between us\u2014outright dying for me\u2014when I was His enemy. He loved me like that. He seemed to nudge me on the shoulder, reminding me to take a cue from Him: How does He treat His<\/em> enemies?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Paul didn\u2019t steer around thoughtful conversation with those who disagreed passionately about values in the church. He saw that even if a person represents a totally different function in Christ\u2019s Body, he couldn\u2019t shut that person out, couldn\u2019t be indifferent to them, couldn\u2019t say \u201cI don\u2019t need you\u201d (1 Corinthians 12:21). But he did keep Christ as his dictating priority.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Paul wrote to Christians debating about eating food used in idol worship, \u201cLet not the one who eats despise the one who abstains, and let not the one who abstains pass judgment on the one who eats, for God has welcomed him \u2026 each of us will give an account of himself to God. Therefore let us not pass judgment on one another.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

And then the kicker: \u201cWelcome one another as Christ has welcomed you,<\/em> for the glory of God\u201d (Romans 14:3, 12-13; 15:7, emphasis added).<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Wondering what you can practically do to coach your friend? Try these ideas.<\/p>\n\n\n

1. Don\u2019t waste your conflict.<\/h3>\n\n\n

Mary, mother of Jesus, is said to have \u201ctreasured\u201d her confusing circumstances allowed by God, pondering them in her heart (Luke 2:19). The original Greek word, translated to pondering <\/em>in English, means to \u201cthrow together\/encounter\/consider\/discuss.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The conflict in our lives could be an intentional assignment from God. So encourage your friend chew on it with that in mind and to do the heart work.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Gently walk your friend through questions like these.<\/p>\n\n\n