{"id":144498,"date":"2023-04-06T13:30:11","date_gmt":"2023-04-06T18:30:11","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/?p=144498"},"modified":"2023-04-06T13:30:11","modified_gmt":"2023-04-06T18:30:11","slug":"how-do-i-create-a-safe-space-in-my-group","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/equip\/how-do-i-create-a-safe-space-in-my-group\/","title":{"rendered":"How Do I Create a Safe Space in My Group?"},"content":{"rendered":"
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Truth: You probably already know how emotionally safe your small group is. (Or isn\u2019t.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Maybe you\u2019ve had moments like I did, where you decided to take the plunge of emotional vulnerability. Some people asked me to tell them more and prayed with me. Others couldn\u2019t hear the question I was army crawling through internally, and instead trumpeted theology over a bleeding wound.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Perhaps you\u2019ve walked away from a small group knowing more of God\u2019s Word but not knowing others or being known. Not allowing the body of Christ access to your sacred, uncomfortable spaces; deciding you don\u2019t need them anyway (see 1 Corinthians 12:21<\/a>).<\/p>\n\n\n\n

But transparent, safe small groups are one of the ways we express Jesus to a weary world: \u201cCome to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest\u201d (Matthew 11:28). It\u2019s one way we glimpse a God who restores our souls (Psalm 23:3<\/a>). <\/p>\n\n\n\n

As leaders, how do we create a safe space in small groups?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Some ground rules to create a safe space<\/h2>\n\n\n

Rule 1: We will banish our own defensiveness.<\/h3>\n\n\n

Take ownership for the log in your eye (or your church\u2019s). Hear the concern beneath<\/em> what\u2019s said rather than getting hung up on how<\/em> it\u2019s said.<\/p>\n\n\n

Rule 2: We will put down our masks and welcome each other into what\u2019s really going on in our lives.<\/h3>\n\n\n

Judgment begets judgment; vulnerability begets vulnerability. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

As a leader, allow a real picture of your messy self, marriage, and family. Model the kind of transparency that sets our groups free and allows transformation and community at the heart level. \u201cTherefore, having put away falsehood, let each one of you speak the truth with his neighbor, for we are members one of another\u201d (Ephesians 4:25).<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Reality is, I have not always treated other Christians as if they are members of my own body, communicating like my own body does with itself. I am not always as open with friends as I would like them to be with me. I am not intentionally lying, but for the sake of \u201ckindness\u201d or my own security, I am not always intentionally truthful.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

As the authors write in The Cure: What If God Isn’t Who You Think He Is and Neither Are You?<\/em>, \u201cNo one told me when I wear a mask, only my mask receives love.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

So ask questions encouraging each other to lay down your masks: What\u2019s hard in your life right now? In what areas of your life is it hard to see God working? What\u2019s one reason you\u2019re struggling with fear, doubt, sadness, guilt, or anger?<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

And remember: What happens in a small group stays in a small group. Trust makes vulnerability possible. <\/p>\n\n\n

Rule 3: We will avoid pat answers.<\/h3>\n\n\n

The offense of platitudes: You are a problem to be solved. I didn\u2019t hear your heart and what you truly needed. But I would like to fix it.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

More than leaping to the solution, a safe group stops and absorbs some of the weight.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

(When someone offers a plug-and-play answer, try, \u201cI think there are times that\u2019s true. But mostly we just hear this is really painful. Can you tell us more about what this is like for you?\u201d Or, \u201cBefore we jump into solutions, we can all imagine what this would feel like. Let\u2019s take some time and just pray for __.\u201d)<\/p>\n\n\n

Rule 4: When someone discloses something vulnerable, wait at least three seconds before responding.<\/h3>\n\n\n

Healthy small groups don\u2019t just talk\u2014they listen. Proverbs encourages us to let our words be fewer and more aptly spoken (10:19<\/a>, 25:11<\/a>).  <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Rather than rushing in with encouragement or solutions, push open a window for the person to say more. Be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry (James 1:19<\/a>).<\/p>\n\n\n

Rule 5: We will work to lift each others\u2019 shame.<\/h3>\n\n\n

It\u2019s helpful to differentiate between appropriate guilt (which is healthy) and shame (which communicates superiority and unworthiness of connecting with others). Shame leaves us hiding and even dangerous (leading to blame, aggression, addiction, perfectionism, control, anxiety, superiority, image management, and worse). <\/p>\n\n\n\n

The Bible speaks of confession that leads to healing (James 5:16<\/a>), shared burden-bearing, and restoration (Galatians 6:1-2<\/a>). Your group can and should commit to calling each other on sin issues! But we don\u2019t do that with scorn, superiority, or disconnection. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

God demonstrated His love by closing the distance between us when we were unworthy enemies (Romans 5:8<\/a>). And we are to \u201cAccept one another, then, just as Christ accepted you, in order to bring praise to God\u201d (Romans 15:7 NIV).<\/p>\n\n\n

What else can you do to help create a safe space?<\/h2>\n

1. Meet in smaller groups.<\/h3>\n\n\n

Consider meeting with group members one-on-one for coffee or periodically splitting into smaller groups (perhaps taking a week for each couple to have dinner with one other couple they don\u2019t know well). Smaller groups and non-serious, rapport-building gatherings encourage the space, trust, and privacy needed to connect. <\/p>\n\n\n

2. Create habitual time for connecting.<\/h3>\n\n\n

More than just through Bible study, your group grows with plenty of time to talk about life. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

About the men on the road to Emmaus (Luke 24:13-15<\/a>), Ruth Barton writes, <\/p>\n\n\n\n

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They were not having a formal quiet time. They were discussing the stuff of their lives\u2014all the things that had happened that were having such an impact on them spiritually and every other way\u2014and something about the nature and quality of their conversation opened up space for Jesus to draw near. And the encounter that took place among them was completely reorienting and life changing \u2026 it becomes a transforming community.<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n\n\n

3. Listen for clues.<\/h3>\n\n\n

Sometimes a group member will drop verbal breadcrumbs about something hard. Those soul-disclosing moments can equal holy ground in someone\u2019s life.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Though finishing a Bible study can feel important, it can be even more critical to create space for those places in group members\u2019 lives. Drop your voice a little, and lean forward. \u201cI want to continue our study, but first I\u2019d love to pause, because what you said sounded important.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Then, ask permission: \u201cMay I ask you a follow-up question?\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n

(Not the right time? One on one, ask if they\u2019d be willing to grab coffee or go for a walk so you can understand more.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Great listeners can carry the power to help us walk away with a deeper knowledge of ourselves. Emotionally safe groups often provide a home to unpack our junk\u2013and help us do it. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

And when someone comes to their own conclusions for themselves, those conclusions are 100% more effective than our own spiel. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

So ask questions that gently, respectfully help isolate the real issues with which their hearts are colliding:<\/p>\n\n\n\n