{"id":142910,"date":"2023-01-23T08:27:40","date_gmt":"2023-01-23T14:27:40","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/?p=142910"},"modified":"2023-01-23T08:27:40","modified_gmt":"2023-01-23T14:27:40","slug":"3-things-you-and-your-spouse-are-arguing-about-and-how-to-deal","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/articles\/topics\/marriage\/staying-married\/resolving-conflict\/3-things-you-and-your-spouse-are-arguing-about-and-how-to-deal\/","title":{"rendered":"3 Things You and Your Spouse Are Arguing About (And How To Deal)"},"content":{"rendered":"
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My husband and I have been arguing about the same issue since the year 2000. (True story.) <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Of course, it\u2019s morphed a bit into avatars that fit the current season. He can be critical (his keen mind was so stinkin\u2019 attractive in 1999\u2014and every year since. Unless<\/em> we\u2019re arguing). I get insecure, hypersensitive (super attractive!), and people-pleasing, clawing to feel seen and affirmed. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Maybe your stress pattern\u2014or normal pattern\u2014isn\u2019t the same as ours. But I have a pretty good idea what you might be arguing about. Because we\u2019re pretty much all arguing about the same issues<\/a>.<\/p>\n\n\n

But first, a few pointers<\/h2>\n\n\n

Remember these in any conflict \u2026 no matter how many times you\u2019ve rolled your eyes and prepared the perfect retort.<\/p>\n\n\n

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  1. Your spouse is not your enemy. Make sure your conflict is about the two of you against the problem, not each other.<\/li>\n
  2. Your relationship is worth the effort for true peace. Even if you need space in an argument, come back and intentionally work things through.<\/li>\n
  3. Conflict is an opportunity to honor God by replaying how He handled His conflict with us. How we show forgiveness, peace, and justice in our marriages is a show-and-tell about what God did for us through Jesus.<\/li>\n
  4. Conflict allows us to serve each other and even grow through new perspectives. So could conflict actually improve our relationships? Exactly.<\/li>\n
  5. Don\u2019t mention \u201cdivorce\u201d as a weapon or an out in your arguments. That supposed \u201crescue boat\u201d jabs holes in the commitment that makes your marriage, and your spouse, secure. (If you\u2019re in an abusive or otherwise desperate situation, that\u2019s a different story<\/a>.)<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n\n\n

    Then, ask yourself\u2026<\/p>\n\n\n

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    1. What are we really arguing about? What value feels trampled on?<\/li>\n
    2. What would it look like to see my spouse through God\u2019s eyes in this?<\/li>\n
    3. What is my contribution, however small, to this conflict (Matthew 7:5<\/a>)?<\/li>\n
    4. Could it be appropriate to overlook offense here? \u201cGood sense makes one slow to anger, and it is his glory to overlook an offense\u201d (Proverbs 19:11). If I overlook, can I really forgive\u2014or am I just faking peace?<\/li>\n
    5. Do I need to step away to get control of my emotions?<\/li>\n
    6. How can I replay to my spouse how God loves me?<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

      3 things you\u2019re arguing about \u2026 and how to deal<\/h2>\n\n\n

      1. Household chores.<\/h3>\n\n\n\n

      Newsflash: Chances are, you already feel overwhelmed by tasks. And tasks at home affect what we can take on\u2014like engaging with our kids or whether we can pursue that promotion or step in for a friend.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

      Followers of Jesus don\u2019t commit to a 50-50 kind of marriage, fulfilling our half of the bargain if our spouse does. In marriage and life, we sign up to be servants of all (Mark 9:35<\/a>). We follow Jesus\u2019 lead in laying down our interests for each other (Philippians 2:3-8<\/a>). <\/p>\n\n\n\n

      There also aren\u2019t household tasks assigned to a certain gender in the Bible. As one husband reflects<\/a>, \u201cI have found my wife receives a great deal of love when I contribute to chores. Particularly the chores that she hates to do. I bite the bullet, and do the chores I don\u2019t like to do for my wife in love. This has been a very successful way for me to shower love on my wife.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

      Together, when you\u2019re calm and not exhausted, create a working master list of all household tasks, denoting who currently does each. Consider each person\u2019s holistic responsibilities (church leadership, caring for a special-needs sibling, a high-travel job) and their capacities\u2014not their gender or how parents or friends divide chores. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

      Maybe you\u2019re good at math and able to do finances, or one of you works from home, so it\u2019s easier to throw in laundry. Maybe one of you can only cook cold cereal. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

      Then, try these tips:<\/p>\n\n\n