{"id":129166,"date":"2022-06-06T17:07:27","date_gmt":"2022-06-06T23:07:27","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/?p=129166"},"modified":"2025-02-12T13:58:07","modified_gmt":"2025-02-12T18:58:07","slug":"what-you-should-know-before-leaving-an-abusive-relationship","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/articles\/topics\/life-issues\/challenges\/what-you-should-know-before-leaving-an-abusive-relationship\/","title":{"rendered":"What You Should Know Before Leaving an Abusive Relationship"},"content":{"rendered":"
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Editor\u2019s note: <\/em><\/strong>While an abuser can be either male or female, more than 90% are male and approximately 85% of victims are female1<\/sup><\/a>. For the purposes of this article, we are speaking primarily to women. If there is any form of abuse in your marriage, separation is a necessary first step to protect the life of the abused and get both the abused and the abuser the help he or she needs. If you are in an abusive situation, contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline for help making a plan. Call 1.800.799.SAFE (7233) or visit https:\/\/www.thehotline.org\/.<\/a><\/em><\/p>\n

This is the second article in a three-part series about domestic abuse. You can read Part One here<\/a> and Part Three here<\/a>.<\/em><\/p>\n<\/div>\n\n\n

Back in the \u201880s, a popular song hit the charts entitled, \u201cShould I Stay or Should I Go?\u201d The insightful lyrics described the angst of making a decision regarding a difficult relationship: \u201cIf I go, there will be trouble. And if I stay it will be double.\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n

This is the same between-a-rock-and-a-hard-place decision a woman in an abusive marriage faces.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

A decision of this importance should be made with as much information as possible, not in a vacuum. So if you\u2019re the one facing such a life-altering decision, take the following information into consideration.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

What if I stay?<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

If you stay in an abusive relationship, you can expect the following:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

1. The abuse will escalate. <\/h3>\n\n\n\n

If the victim is still there willing to take it, the abuser will breach boundary after boundary. What may start out as mild manipulation will escalate to name-calling and often physical abuse and stalking. Stalking is a leading indicator of sexual assault, as the abuser feels more and more that he \u201cowns\u201d his victim.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

2. The abuser will not change with counseling. <\/h3>\n\n\n\n

The vast majority of abusers have undiagnosed narcissistic personality disorder or antisocial personality disorder (think sociopaths and psychopaths). Even if an abuser is not a narcissist, sociopath, or psychopath, most abusers have no interest in changing\u2014even if that means they will lose their marriage, family, career, and finances. They believe everyone else is to blame for the negative consequences of their bad behavior and will not take responsibility for themselves.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

In order for a person to change and become emotionally healthy, he must want<\/em> to change, and he needs to make Herculean efforts to change lifelong ways of thinking and behaving. If an abuser changes enough to become emotionally healthy, it is nothing short of a miracle from God.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

3. God will not zap the abuser into being good. <\/h3>\n\n\n\n

Often, a Christian woman will beg and plead with her husband to \u201cjust be nice.\u201d She will pray for years for God to wave His magic wand and zap her husband into being a good guy. This isn\u2019t the way God usually works.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Throughout the Bible, we do see evil people miraculously changed by God: Paul, but only after God blinded him for three days and put him in a three-year timeout (see Acts 9<\/a> and <\/a>Galatians 1<\/a>); King Nebuchadnezzar, but only after God turned him insane, took away his kingdom, and let him eat grass for seven years (see Daniel 4<\/a>); and King Manasseh, after God dragged him from his kingdom to the enemy in chains and a nose ring (see 2 Chronicles 33<\/a>).<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Evil people rarely change. And, if an abuser does change, it\u2019s typically only due to severe negative consequences. God allows people to reject Him and dive into self-destruction (Romans 1:18-21<\/a>). Jesus never begged and groveled for people to accept Him. Rather, He spoke the truth about the condition of the hearts of those who rejected Him. A wise woman will follow God\u2019s example.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Although He is not in the habit of making superheroes out of monsters, He does equip His people to stand up against evil. The redemption story of a victim of abuse is much like the story of the exodus from Egypt. God did not change Pharaoh\u2019s heart, but He did give Moses and His people the strength to leave and journey to the Promised Land, flowing with milk and honey. Likewise, God typically does not change the heart of an abuser, but He gives the victim the courage to leave, prepares a place of peace and rest for her, and if she does not have a \u201cMoses\u201d in her life, God Himself will lead her.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

4. You will become unhealthy. <\/h3>\n\n\n\n

People are designed to be in life-giving, uplifting, healthy relationships with each other. When people live in abuse, they develop a plethora of physical, emotional, and mental ailments. The longer and more severe the abuse, the more severe the illnesses. One hundred percent of women in abuse develop PTSD, with 87% having moderate to severe PTSD. People who choose to stay in abuse will need professional counseling from a therapist specializing in domestic abuse to learn appropriate techniques to help them navigate life in an abusive atmosphere.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

What if I leave?<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

Once a woman decides to leave, the abuser will recognize he has lost control over his spouse. This is the most dangerous time for the spouse, as the abuser will often retaliate. She likely needs an order of protection. She may need to go into hiding. But she needs to be mindful of the danger and take precautions.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Abusers are predictable. When a woman decides to leave an abuser, she can expect the following seven behaviors from her abuser.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

1. The abuser will become vindictive.<\/h3>\n\n\n\n

Often, a woman naively assumes her abuser will be civil and fair because either they have children together, they had a long-term marriage, she put him through graduate school, she took care of his aging mother, or some other act of sacrifice on her part that has bettered his life. But to the abuser, a spouse who is no longer willing to put up with his abuse is guilty of high treason, and he will make it his life\u2019s goal to destroy her.  <\/p>\n\n\n\n

2. The abuser will play the pity card.<\/h3>\n\n\n\n

One of the surest signs of a narcissist, sociopath, or psychopath is that he plays the victim after years of bullying. Crocodile tears and false apologies are to be expected. He will claim innocence and assert that his spouse left him for no reason.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

3. The abuser will engage in a smear campaign to alienate the victim from her support network.<\/h3>\n\n\n\n

In fact, he will accuse her of the things he is most guilty of: affairs, abandonment, abuse, mental illness, swindling others out of money, and the like. He knows women value their relationships and that turning her friends and family against her will leave her devastated, alone, and unsupported.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

4. The abuser will attempt to turn her children against her.<\/h3>\n\n\n\n

Just like with her friends and family, the abuser will circle the wagons and attempt to get her children to side with him against their own mother. He knows nothing hurts a mother more than rejection by her own children, and he will use them as pawns in his chess game against her.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

5. The abuser will hide assets and lie about finances.<\/h3>\n\n\n\n

Whether a marriage lasts 40 weeks or 40 years, he views everything as his. Whether he is a millionaire or a pauper, an abuser will go to great lengths to hide assets and lie about his income and net worth to avoid a fair division of assets, child support, and alimony.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

6. The abuser will drag out a divorce and abuse the court system.<\/h3>\n\n\n\n

As a means of inflicting further financial and emotional abuse, most abusers will refuse any reasonable settlement agreements, file frivolous motions, take unmerited positions, violate court orders, and drag out litigation.  Even after a divorce is final, an abuser will usually refuse to honor court orders, marital and parenting agreements, and judgments, thereby forcing the former spouse back to court, time and time again.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

7. The church-going abuser will get more involved in church.<\/h3>\n\n\n\n

Abusers love to look good in front of others while carrying out their evil plans behind closed doors. If the church does not instill church discipline (and most don\u2019t), church-going abusers will become the star volunteer and the pastor\u2019s best pal to look respectable and lure in their next victim.<\/p>\n\n\n

You don't have to walk through life's struggles alone. Let us know how we can be praying for you.<\/i><\/span> <\/a> <\/div> <\/div>\n\n\n

Before you leave an abuser, have a plan in place<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

Leaving an abusive spouse leads to a tsunami of life changes. To navigate the stormy waters, you will need a plan in each of the following areas.<\/p>\n\n\n\n