{"id":128343,"date":"2022-05-05T10:16:16","date_gmt":"2022-05-05T16:16:16","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/?p=128343"},"modified":"2025-02-12T14:34:34","modified_gmt":"2025-02-12T19:34:34","slug":"should-we-stay-together-for-the-kids","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/articles\/topics\/marriage\/troubled-marriage\/should-we-stay-together-for-the-kids\/","title":{"rendered":"Should We Stay Together for the Kids?"},"content":{"rendered":"
<\/div>\n

Impossible decisions. Every one of them. Elise\u2019s life had narrowed to a slick, bouldered ridge in her mind. Mile-deep gorges gaped on either side. Looking at how he treats me, should we stay together for the kids?<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Her husband hadn\u2019t yet turned on the kids physically. But he wasn\u2019t shy with the emotional abuse, the twisted spiritual comments. Though he never struck her in front of them, the kids overheard. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

What\u2019s this teaching my daughters? My son? <\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

But on more than one late night, she\u2019d Googled short- and long-term effects of divorce on kids<\/a>. The list grew bleaker; her chest clenched tighter. Increased risky behaviors. Physical decline. Depression. Diminished social competence. Their own likelihood of relationship troubles and future divorce.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Her constant fear and anxiety mingled with a sense of smallness from her husband\u2019s incessant beration.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Which impossible choice meant less damage?<\/p>\n\n\n

Should we stay together for the kids?<\/h2>\n\n\n

Whether your personal situation leans more toward Elise\u2019s or another seemingly insurmountable issue, when you\u2019ve gotten to the point of \u201cShould We Stay Together for the Kids?\u201d you\u2019re wading through intense hurt, disappointment, and bewilderment.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Your situation has grown dire, and it\u2019s tough to know where to go. Begin with questions like these.<\/p>\n\n\n

Does divorce hurt the child?<\/h3>\n\n\n

Judith Wallerstein and Julia Lewis conducted a sweeping 25-year study of 131 kids whose parents divorced<\/a>, comparing them to their peers. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Tragically, the study upset the standing premise that kids recover from divorce within a two-year period. It defines instead an \u201cunexpected gulf\u201d between kids of divorced families and those from intact families. Researchers outlined lifetime \u201cdifficulties children of divorce encounter in achieving love, sexual intimacy, and commitment to marriage and parenthood.\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n

And sadly, \u201calthough divorce sets many adults free \u2026 these benefits do not extend to their children.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Further, the study found divorce to be \u201clife transforming\u201d for the child. The authors elaborate, “The divorced family is not simply an intact family from which the troubled marital bond has been removed. There are many stresses in the postdivorce family, and a great many daunting adjustments are required of the children. \u2026 [The child] may feel correctly that he has lost more than he has gained.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Children from the study tended not toward continuity with their parents, but toward not <\/em>wanting to identify with their parents. Additionally, \u201cwhen the marital bond is severed, parent-child relationships are likely to change radically in ways that are not predictable from their course during the marriage.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Unfortunately, the children\u2019s suffering as adults wasn\u2019t alleviated by frequent contact with both parents. And the lack of stable relational images between an adult man and woman became a central obstacle to healthy adult development, creating abiding insecurity even in healthy relationships.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cThe major challenges of engendering hope, creating good images of man-woman relationships, and teaching young people to choose appropriate partners and create a relationship that will hold are staggering in their complexity and go far beyond any interventions yet attempted,\u201d the researchers concluded. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

The true cost of divorce on children, it seems, is far higher than most parents can anticipate.<\/p>\n\n\n

Just how bad is this situation for my kids? When does the destruction become too much?<\/h3>\n\n\n

Some situations, however, are dire enough that damage can multiply if parents remain together. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Are you in an abusive relationship?<\/i><\/span> <\/a> <\/div> <\/div><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Despite Jemma\u2019s husband\u2019s abusive behavior, it was an obscene text from him that finally exposed her profound fear. Soon, she comprehended that the longer she stayed, the greater chance she might not be able to undo the destruction to her kids.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Jemma was aware of \u201cACEs,\u201d a term coined by the Center for Disease Control and Prevention regarding a long, wide-ranging study examining effects of a<\/strong>dverse c<\/strong>hildhood e<\/strong>xperiences<\/a>. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

ACEs include: <\/p>\n\n\n