{"id":126869,"date":"2022-03-29T09:34:35","date_gmt":"2022-03-29T15:34:35","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/?p=126869"},"modified":"2022-03-29T09:34:35","modified_gmt":"2022-03-29T15:34:35","slug":"help-different-values-are-blowing-up-my-family","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/articles\/topics\/life-issues\/relationships\/help-different-values-are-blowing-up-my-family\/","title":{"rendered":"Help! Different Values Are Blowing Up My Family"},"content":{"rendered":"
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My husband turned to me after separate discussions with our teenagers. \u201cI feel like the different values our whole country\u2019s struggling with are coming to a head right in our living room.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Tell me we\u2019re not the only ones. I\u2019ve got extended and immediate family members driving stakes in the ground on all sorts of stances\u2014from what they consider parochial values, to the NFL\u2019s politics, to emphatic ideals about vaccines or masks or lack thereof. See? Even reading this paragraph might raise your hackles.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Maybe you, like us, are exploring new, disappointing, even divisive territory in your family.<\/a> Family we\u2019ve respected or sat next to in church or sought advice from. They\u2019re now voicing different values that feel untenable to us and our interpretation of the Bible. We\u2019re alienated. Hurt. Disturbed.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Some of the gaps feel generational: Parents leave us shaking our heads after a phone conversation, or our teens ascribe to values we would never have dreamed of after so many all-in years of careful parenting and discipleship.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

So few of these different values feel nonessential. At my house, some of the hard conversations have left me both in prayer and deep grief.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Somewhere amidst the family conflict, we\u2019ve lost each other. And that loss tears at us (at me, at least). We\u2019ve lost respect, trust, and connection with people who represented \u201chome.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n

Different values: This is your soul on conflict<\/h2>\n\n\n

Conflict begs an overhaul of what I want to do: like hand someone the estrangement they have so justly deserved. Eloquently let a family member know exactly how<\/em> they have trodden on my kingdom. Burn a bridge that isn\u2019t important to me anyway, I\u2019ve decided.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Family conflicts are full of such loss. But could they be an opportunity?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Conflict, more specifically God\u2019s conflict, is at the center of why God sent Jesus. And in family conflict, God\u2019s passed on to us this expression of what He\u2019s done. It\u2019s a chance to honor God, to love others well, to grow more like Jesus, and for both parties to shape each other.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Second Corinthians 5:18-20 puts it this way: \u201cThrough Christ [God] reconciled us to himself and gave us the ministry of reconciliation; that is, in Christ God was reconciling the world to himself, not counting their trespasses against them, and entrusting to us the message of reconciliation.<\/em> Therefore, we are ambassadors for Christ, God making his appeal through us\u201d<\/em> (emphasis added).<\/p>\n\n\n\n

See, this conflict flays open what pushes and pulls me (see James 4:1<\/a>)\u2014like my passionate longing for my kids to love God.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Conflict is a kind way of God to expose some of my soul-holes, desires swollen out of proportion, becoming too valuable to me. More valuable than loving well through differences<\/a> or trusting God\u2019s plan rather than mine\u2014the work of His Holy Spirit in my kids\u2019 hearts more than my control. More valuable than finding \u201cunity of mind, sympathy, brotherly love, a tender heart, and a humble mind\u201d (1 Peter 3:8) with other members of God\u2019s Body or compassion for those who don\u2019t know Him yet.<\/p>\n\n\n

Family conflict: Ain\u2019t nobody got time for that<\/h2>\n\n\n

While contemplating someone whose different values feel like they\u2019re taking a cheese grater to my liver\u2014complete with the anxiety and anger\u2014I remembered Romans 5:8<\/a>: While I was still God\u2019s enemy, God closed the gap between us. He demonstrated His love by dying<\/em> for me.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I had to ask God, Help me treat my \u201cenemies\u201d how you treat Yours.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

But some of our family members are primarily part of Christ\u2019s Body\u2014not just the opposition. And \u201cThe eye cannot say to the hand, \u2018I have no need of you,\u2019 nor again the head to the feet, \u2018I have no need of you\u2019\u201d (1 Corinthians 12:21).<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Paul frequently dives into thoughtful conversation with those who disagree vehemently about values in the church. Though admittedly, his supreme value is Christ.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Talking about the feud over food sacrificed to idols, Paul writes, \u201cLet not the one who eats despise the one who abstains, and let not the one who abstains pass judgment on the one who eats, for God has welcomed him\u2026Each of us will give an account of himself to God. Therefore let us not pass judgment on one another.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

And then the kicker: \u201cWelcome one another as Christ has welcomed you,<\/em> for the glory of God\u201d (Romans 15:7, emphasis added).<\/p>\n\n\n

Fighting Fair: Your Guide To Resolving Marital Conflict Like a Champ<\/i><\/span> <\/a> <\/div> <\/div>\n\n\n

Wondering what you can do to feed unity with all these different values? Try these ideas.<\/p>\n\n\n

1. Don\u2019t waste your conflict.<\/h3>\n\n\n

Mary, mother of Jesus, is said to have \u201ctreasured\u201d her confusing circumstances allowed by God, pondering them in her heart (Luke 2:19)<\/a>. The original Greek word, translated to pondering <\/em>in English, means to \u201cthrow together\/encounter\/consider\/discuss.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The conflict in our lives could be an intentional assignment from God. So chew on it. Do the heart work.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Prayerfully consider questions like,<\/p>\n\n\n