{"id":126783,"date":"2022-03-23T12:27:23","date_gmt":"2022-03-23T18:27:23","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/?p=126783"},"modified":"2022-03-23T12:27:23","modified_gmt":"2022-03-23T18:27:23","slug":"4-ways-to-connect-with-a-child-different-from-you","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/articles\/topics\/parenting\/essentials\/4-ways-to-connect-with-a-child-different-from-you\/","title":{"rendered":"4 Ways To Connect With a Child Different From You"},"content":{"rendered":"
<\/div>\n

Ever marveled over how your child is different from the one you\u2019d pictured? Or different from you in general?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

When I found out I was pregnant with my firstborn, I was over the moon. I remained over said moon even after discovering he was a horrid baby. I think he loved me (hey, food source!). Not sure he liked me.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

When he hit 9 months and began to crawl, he was finally able to dictate his own life. It would be the first sign of how independent he was wired to be.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

To be fair, he was an adorable, compliant toddler; a brilliant, creative elementary schooler, always leading the other boys in games of battle. (I grew up with only sisters. It felt weird to hold the line at \u201cNo Nerf weapons at the table.\u201d)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

He was (is) also distinctively not the firstborn I anticipated. All that birth order stuff about people-pleasing, compliance, rule-following, achieving? (All the stuff I was as a firstborn?) My son is far more internally than externally motivated. Grades, parents, and the rest of society has minimal effect.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Though my family has no military background, my son\u2019s enrolled in the Marines\u2019 Delayed Entry Program. In contrast, I am peacekeeping and diplomatic, sometimes to the point of passivity. I can count on one hand the times I\u2019ve shot a gun, and most were at summer camp.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

But months ago, God seemed to tap me on the shoulder. What if I created your son as a warrior?<\/em> David, a man after God\u2019s own heart, was a warrior. God describes Himself as a warrior. What if for my Kingdom, I need exactly his strength, his independence, his love for justice and protection of the vulnerable?<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n

Get together with your friends and learn the Art of Parenting.<\/i><\/span> <\/a> <\/div> <\/div>\n\n\n

When the child you expected becomes too important<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

When we attend baby showers, there\u2019s so much joy for new life. We delight in the supposed blank slate, a life ready to guide into greatness.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

But like gardening in the high desert here in Colorado, the doctored image on the seed packet rarely matches any real-life plant. For that matter, like, 10% of all parenting is what I thought it would look like.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

But then again, so much of it is better.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

My hope doesn\u2019t lie in my will accomplished in the form of a child. That will, that expectation of a perfectly imperfect child, could easily become any parent\u2019s idol: <\/em>what we look to for legitimacy, satisfaction, or fulfillment.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

In fact, God may not share my vision or timing or pictured journey for my child. At times, I have loved my own image for my son more than God\u2019s image in him.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Pastor and author Tim Keller writes in The Insider and the Outcast<\/em>, \u201cEverybody has got to live for something, but \u2026 if that thing is not [Jesus], it will fail you. First, it will enslave you \u2026 If anything threatens it, you will become inordinately scared; if anyone blocks it, you will become inordinately angry; and if you fail to achieve it, you will never be able to forgive yourself. But second, if you do achieve it, it will fail to deliver the fulfillment you expected.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

3 ways to connect with a child who\u2019s different than You<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

It can be tough to connect with a child who\u2019s different from you in their interests, passions\u2014or even their core. Where could you start?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

1. Ask them to share their interests, project, music, movies, etc. with you\u2014something at the center of their attention.<\/h3>\n\n\n\n

If you\u2019re willing, dig into that world with them. Seek to understand the \u201cwhys\u201d behind their fascination and passion. (The more you understand your child\u2019s \u201cwhys,\u201d the more you understand your child.)<\/a><\/p>\n\n\n\n

I\u2019m not into conflict, but I love attending my son\u2019s speeches and debates. His ability to articulate and think on his feet floors me. He practices his speeches for me, and since I\u2019m a writer, allows me to comment on his drafts.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Even if you\u2019re not into Pok\u00e9mon or basketball or oil pastels or makeup\u2014you may find a beautiful discipline in sifting through your child\u2019s interest for ways to share their pleasure and cheer on the ways they\u2019re made. Flip through their collection, get tickets to a game or an art show, take her to the Clinique counter to get dolled up.<\/a><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Get relentless about discovering the God-image in your child, even if it feels shallow or frivolous or a waste of time. (None of those accurately describe the time to connect with a child, right?)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

You\u2019re displaying a God who entered our world, even when it jarred the senses and brimmed with fallenness (see John 1:14<\/a>). When it came to the odorous world of fishermen or the shady career of tax collectors, He didn\u2019t say, \u201cNo, thanks. I\u2019ll stay over here.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

2. Find a mutual activity for enjoyable quality time.<\/h3>\n\n\n\n

Could you laugh and connect with a child, no matter how different, around Marvel, strategy games, specialty ice cream flavors? (Bonus points if your activity can be repeated.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Teaching my son to drive\u2014while occasionally harrowing\u2014was a great time for us to chat for the 50 hours of training required by our state. We\u2019d sometimes end at Starbucks, laughing over frappuccinos on the sunlit patio.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

3. Make sure your relationship takes priority over your disagreements.<\/h3>\n\n\n\n

Conflict can easily sour even the best moments trying to connect with a child who\u2019s different from you. It became important that my son never thought he had to perform at a certain level, become like me to a certain degree, or change his core for us to be close.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Yes, I set boundaries for respect, for healthy interactions. But particularly on his dark days\u2014like on my own\u2014I want to telegraph the message of God\u2019s unconditional love: \u201cAccept one another, then, just as Christ accepted you, in order to bring praise to God\u201d (Romans 15:7, NIV).<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Proverbs counsels, \u201cMy son, give me your heart\u201d (23:26). If we lose passport into our kids\u2019 hearts over nonessential issues\u2014say, blue hair we fear makes our kids look like rebels and us look like bad parents\u2014we lose every chance to not only create change, but express love rather than isolation and shame.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

A strong relationship forms the bridge to our kids\u2019 hearts, supporting the weight of the most critical truths.<\/a><\/p>\n\n\n\n

4. Take the Kindness Challenge.<\/h3>\n\n\n\n

Social researcher Shaunti Feldhahn created the 30-day Kindness Challenge, known to cultivate change in relationships. The challenge embraces that a person isn\u2019t the sum of their weaknesses.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Every day for a month:<\/p>\n\n\n

    \n
  1. Don\u2019t say anything negative to or about your child.<\/li>\n
  2. Find one thing that is positive and praiseworthy. Tell your child and one other person.<\/li>\n
  3. Perform a small act of kindness or generosity for your child, even when you don\u2019t feel like it.<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n\n\n

    Romans 2:4<\/a> speaks of God\u2019s kindness leading us to repentance\u2014not His nagging, podcaster Brian Goins points out,<\/a> nor His manipulation, stonewalling, or yelling. Kindness helps us release control of changing our child\u2019s heart.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    Dream Bigger<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

    My son, a challenger and leader to the core, will always be diametrically different. I may have to work harder to connect with a child with such diverse perspectives, passions, and priorities.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    Yet parenting remains an act of patience as we acknowledge we are not the leaders, but the lovingly led. And within that leading, God is parenting us<\/em> toward holiness.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    What if our kids get the idea they\u2019re a colossal disappointment to us? Could we shoehorn them into plans God never intended? What if our expectations cause us to miss the sheer joy and wonder of who they are?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    Having a child so different than myself\u2013what some might call our incompatibility\u2013has sculpted me every day of the last 18 years. It means a constant effort to reach toward one another. To understand, appreciate, listen rather than argue and contend (or fear). To advocate the man God\u2019s created my son to be, rather than the one I\u2019m sure he should become.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    Work along with me, friends. Let\u2019s not miss loving our kids as God created them. Let\u2019s help them dream bigger than the vision in our heads.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    \n\n\n\n

    Copyright \u00a9 2022 Janel Breitenstein. All rights reserved.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

    Janel Breitenstein is an author, freelance writer, speaker, and frequent contributor for FamilyLife, including Passport2Identity\u00ae, Art of Parenting\u00ae, and regular articles. After five and a half years in East Africa, her family of six has returned to Colorado, where they continue to work on behalf of the poor with Engineering Ministries International. Her book, Permanent Markers: Spiritual Life Skills to Write on Your Kids\u2019 Hearts <\/em>(Harvest House), empowers parents to creatively engage kids in vibrant spirituality. You can find her\u2014\u201cThe Awkward Mom\u201d\u2014having uncomfortable, important conversations at JanelBreitenstein.com, and on Instagram @janelbreit.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

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