{"id":124493,"date":"2022-02-08T07:49:04","date_gmt":"2022-02-08T14:49:04","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/?p=124493"},"modified":"2022-02-08T07:49:04","modified_gmt":"2022-02-08T14:49:04","slug":"we-need-to-talk-tips-for-external-processors","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/articles\/topics\/marriage\/staying-married\/communication\/we-need-to-talk-tips-for-external-processors\/","title":{"rendered":"We Need to Talk: Tips for External Processors"},"content":{"rendered":"
<\/div>\n

I\u2019m that guy\u2014the one who has no trouble talking during meetings. Even if I don\u2019t know an answer off the top of my head, I figure if I talk long enough I\u2019ll find one. Yes, that is a strategy Michael Scott of The Office<\/em> employs. And yes, I\u2019m a bit embarrassed to admit it. As an external processor, though, it\u2019s part of who I am.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cThoughts become real when I say them,\u201d my friend recently told me, and I completely agreed. External processors like us (sometimes called verbal processors) need to talk our thoughts out in order to figure out what we truly think, feel, and believe. It\u2019s a messy process\u2014like spilling out your junk drawer just to find out what\u2019s in it. We\u2019re constantly living out a Whose Line Is It Anyway?<\/em> skit.<\/p>\n\n\n

Tips for dealing with (and being) an external processor<\/h2>\n\n\n

For those who aren\u2019t wired the same way, a conversation with an external processor can feel like a firehose to the face. How can you effectively connect with your verbal-processing spouse? And how can we external processors get everything out without reducing the listener to a sweaty, tear-stained puddle?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Here are a few tips for both sides.<\/p>\n\n\n

1. Find the right time.<\/h3>\n\n\n

There are times in the day when, despite our best intentions, we\u2019re just not ready to go deep. When our 3-year-old\u2019s using our legs for a bridge, or we just signed off a 90-minute HR meeting\u2014on Zoom, no less\u2014we\u2019re simply not going to be able to listen well.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

External processors, before diving into a topic, make sure your spouse has the energy to engage. Asking, \u201cCan I process something with you?\u201d then waiting for the answer and accepting a \u201cnot now\u201d might be frustrating, but if your partner\u2019s not up to it things will devolve. For my wife and me, this is how a lot of our fights begin\u2014with me listening passive aggressively, unwilling to admit my need for a moment or two.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Ask permission and accept the answer. Save yourself that sore back from a night spent on the couch. Realize that sometimes we\u2019re asked simple questions for simple responses. If an answer to \u201cHow was your day?\u201d takes more than two sentences, a quick check-in shows love: \u201cCan I unpack my day with you for a bit?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n

2. Set some ground rules.<\/h3>\n\n\n

When external processors talk thoughts out, we usually say things we don\u2019t mean. We could also accidentally articulate in hurtful ways as we try to figure out what exactly is going on inside of us, since we\u2019re forming rough drafts of our thoughts in order to examine them.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Often, my process starts with accusation and moves toward brokenness: \u201cI think this is your fault, and here\u2019s why\u201d becomes, \u201cOh, you know what? This is my<\/em> issue.\u201d There\u2019s ample space for (legitimate) fury in between those sentences. It\u2019s great to have a pre-conversation in which we affirm our love for each other, agree we\u2019re on the same team, and commit to lowering defenses.<\/p>\n\n\n

3. Let the process play out.<\/h3>\n\n\n

Once you\u2019re in sync, feel free to get it all out.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

For those on the receiving end, as hard as it may be, allowing us wordsmiths to dive all the way to the bottom can be a life-giving experience. So resist interrupting. Instead, when your spouse finally runs out of steam, give them an extra-special gift by asking, \u201cIs there more?\u201d (There probably is.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Processors, once the tank is drained, it\u2019s your turn. Reciprocate. Reflect the question to your incredibly kind listener and invite their feedback. Listen as well as you speak.<\/a><\/p>\n\n\n

Get \"The Power of Words: a 7-Day Devotional\"<\/i><\/span> <\/a> <\/div> <\/div>\n\n\n

4. Treat listening as success.<\/h3>\n\n\n

In Between the Words<\/em>, Norm Wakefield makes a crucial distinction between understanding and agreeing: Listening to someone and understanding their perspective doesn\u2019t mean you think what they\u2019re saying is correct. If we don\u2019t understand that, we\u2019ll short-circuit the listening process by turning a conversation into a debate.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Remember, even if someone articulates an opinion, that doesn\u2019t mean they believe it. External processors are especially prone to voicing a theory only to tear it down. Don\u2019t fret\u2014it\u2019s still appropriate to push back when you disagree. But timing is everything. Allow your partner to get everything out and complete the process before giving your input. Then make sure you thoroughly understand the heart of their thoughts before you engage. Reflect what you\u2019ve heard back to the listener with this phrase: \u201cIf I\u2019m understanding you correctly, you think that___. Am I hearing you right?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

So many fights in our house start because I\u2019m not truly hearing<\/em> my wife.<\/a> Usually, it revolves around something she said that I bow up to be bigger than she meant. My wife\u2019s understandable request to run a purchase by her turns into me rage-whispering, \u201cSo, you think I\u2019m irresponsible with money? You don\u2019t trust me to handle this little thing?\u201d See what I did there? If I can avoid reading my insecurities into my wife\u2019s statements, I can save my marriage some trauma.<\/p>\n\n\n

An external processor\u2019s hero<\/h2>\n\n\n

Trust me\u2014external processors desperately wish we could figure things out inside our own heads. We don\u2019t want to need help wading through our labyrinth of thoughts and ideas. But God designed us this way, dependent upon a listening ear. We need you\u2014it might not only be your spouse, but a co-worker or a friend who\u2019s itching to get some thoughts out in the open. Being that person can open a world of connection and understanding in your marriage and with your neighbors.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

And when a genius idea pops out of one of their mouths, guess who gets to share in the credit?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\n\n\n\n

Copyright \u00a9 2022 by FamilyLife. All rights reserved.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Andy Allan provides care and logistical support for Cru missionaries serving abroad and writes for FamilyLife and other Christian ministries. He lives in Lincoln, Nebraska, with his wife, Sara, and two kids, Ellie and Bodie. You\u2019ll find him biking Lincoln\u2019s trails or watching the latest Fast and Furious movie. Connect with him at andrew.allan@cru.org or on Twitter at @KazBullet.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

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