{"id":124455,"date":"2022-02-04T10:41:14","date_gmt":"2022-02-04T17:41:14","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/?p=124455"},"modified":"2022-02-04T10:41:14","modified_gmt":"2022-02-04T17:41:14","slug":"more-than-sex-how-to-spice-things-up-in-the-bedroom","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/articles\/topics\/marriage\/staying-married\/romance-and-sex\/more-than-sex-how-to-spice-things-up-in-the-bedroom\/","title":{"rendered":"More Than Sex: How to Spice Things up in the Bedroom"},"content":{"rendered":"
<\/div>\n

I made a quick trip to the supermarket to find some firewood hoping it would help set the mood for a romantic evening. While in line at the checkout, I couldn\u2019t help but notice every magazine seemed to know what I was up to. And they all offered some \u201camazing advice\u201d to spice things up in the bedroom.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

As enticing as the titles were, I\u2019d been married long enough to know advice from grocery store magazine wouldn\u2019t do me any good. Because the best way to spice things up in the bedroom is to start outside of it<\/a>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Misaligned priorities, disagreements, and overall busyness can quench even the most passionate fires. When sex becomes infrequent, unenthusiastic, or disappointing, the natural inclination is to look for ways to spice things up. But sex works more like a thermometer than a thermostat. And a thermometer can\u2019t change the temperature; it can only report it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

So before going crazy covering your bed with rose petals, buying new sleepwear, or experimenting with new sex positions, take a closer look at what you\u2019re really after.<\/p>\n\n\n

How to spice things up in the bedroom<\/h2>\n\n\n

As a counselor, I\u2019ve often been asked how one spouse can get the other to be more interested in sex.<\/a> But after a bit of digging, it\u2019s usually clear the people who ask that question are looking for more than just sex. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

I\u2019ll ask, \u201cIf you could get your spouse to agree to have sex with you as often as you\u2019d like for the rest of your married life, but you would never talk to each other again, would you want that?\u201d No one ever says yes.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Why? Because sex was designed to be more than just a mindless physical act. We want it to bring connection. We want to feel loved, desired, respected, known, and understood. The frequency and quality of sex we complain about is merely the outward sign of an inward need. What we want is intimacy. And people who experience real intimacy rarely have anything to complain about in the bedroom.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Sex is an intimate act, but it\u2019s not a way to gain intimacy. It\u2019s a way to express it. Slapping a new \u201ctechnique\u201d onto a relationship devoid of intimacy will leave us feeling hollow, as if we\u2019re putting on a show. It\u2019s no wonder society talks of \u201csexual-performance issues.\u201d Sex without intimacy is just that\u2014a performance.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

If you\u2019re unsatisfied with your sex life and hoping to spice things up in the bedroom, barring any medical issues, there are probably other areas in your relationship that need to be addressed. Try focusing on these areas of intimacy first.<\/p>\n\n\n

Relational intimacy<\/h2>\n\n\n

Our culture romanticizes the idea of a \u201cone-night stand.\u201d But the last thing you want in your marriage is to have sex with someone who feels like a stranger.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Unfortunately, life has a way of pulling us away from each other. We may live in the same house, but we begin to live entirely separate lives over time. Instead of thinking of ways of to spend time together, we look for time with friends or prioritize \u201cme time.\u201d We\u2019re married but live like roommates.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Thankfully, building relational intimacy is something all married couples know how to do because we\u2019ve all done it. Before marriage, we dated, courted, and found creative ways to spend time together. We were always on the lookout for ways to get to know each other better. We didn\u2019t need exotic vacations or fancy dinners, any activity from buying groceries to doing homework together would do. What was important is that we interacted with each other. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

It always amazes me how close I feel with my wife after an afternoon of raking leaves. We don\u2019t talk much, but the sense of shared accomplishment when the yard is done makes me feel like I have a partner in life.<\/p>\n\n\n

Can sex in Christian marriage be spectacular? See our online course!<\/i><\/span> <\/a> <\/div> <\/div>\n\n\n

Intellectual intimacy<\/h2>\n\n\n

Sharing facts is easy. We\u2019re out of milk. The car needs brakes. The kids don\u2019t have school on Friday<\/em>. Facts are what they are. We might not like them, but they typically generate little controversy.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

But opinions are more personal, birthed from a mixture of fact, experience, preference, and assumption. Sharing opinions is more dangerous than sharing facts. When our opinions are challenged, it can feel like a personal attack. And when we feel we can\u2019t share our opinions without criticism, intimacy suffers.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

What is your natural posture when your spouse shares an opinion? Is your first reaction to try to understand or to argue a different perspective? Do you shy away from specific topics for fear of being verbally assaulted? You don\u2019t have to always agree, but you and your spouse need to know your opinions will be respected to get to deeper levels of intimacy.<\/p>\n\n\n

Emotional intimacy<\/h2>\n\n\n

Sharing emotions is even trickier than sharing opinions. Sometimes we just feel the way we feel and have no clue why. If you suspect you\u2019ll have to explain why you feel the way you do or that your feelings will be disrespected, you may react with explosive anger or wall off your emotions for your own protection. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Can you (and your spouse) talk about your struggles and anxieties without being criticized, ridiculed, or belittled? Are phrases like, \u201cYou\u2019re too emotional,\u201d \u201cGet over it,\u201d or \u201cYou\u2019re making a big deal out of nothing\u201d typical in your home? <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Unfortunately, early in our marriage, my wife learned to keep her mouth shut. At work, I spent all day solving other people\u2019s problems. A person would call with a complaint, and I would find the problem, present a solution, and move on to the next person. The problem was, I\u2019d do the same thing with my wife. She\u2019d try and tell me about a problem, but before she finished her first sentence, I had given her a solution, ticket number, and thanked her for calling the Husband Help Desk. All that did was shut down intimacy. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Genesis 2:25 describes the initial, sinless relationship between Adam and Eve by saying, \u201cthe man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

My wife couldn\u2019t learn to be completely naked and unashamed until I learned how to listen before speaking. What would it take for you to be completely naked and unashamed in front of your spouse? <\/p>\n\n\n

Which all lead to sexual intimacy<\/h2>\n\n\n

If you can be intimate in other ways, sexual intimacy comes naturally. It\u2019s not about finding ways to spice things up in the bedroom. It doesn\u2019t matter if you look amazing naked or even if you achieve an orgasm every time. If you have intimacy in other areas of your life, you\u2019ll be comfortable exploring, lingering, and experimenting with different ways of expressing your love for your spouse. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

When you do, you\u2019ll realize those magazines have nothing to teach you. And you\u2019ll have all the spice you can handle.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\n\n\n\n

Copyright \u00a9 2022 by FamilyLife. All rights reserved.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Carlos Santiago is a senior writer for FamilyLife and has written and contributed to numerous articles, e-books, and devotionals. He has a bachelor\u2019s degree in psychology and a master\u2019s degree in pastoral counseling. Carlos and his wife, Tanya, live in Orlando, Florida. You can learn more on their site, YourEverAfter.org<\/a>.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

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