{"id":123069,"date":"2022-01-07T15:15:30","date_gmt":"2022-01-07T22:15:30","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/?p=123069"},"modified":"2025-06-18T14:59:22","modified_gmt":"2025-06-18T18:59:22","slug":"shout-or-shut-down-emotional-flooding-in-relationship-conflict","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/articles\/topics\/marriage\/staying-married\/communication\/shout-or-shut-down-emotional-flooding-in-relationship-conflict\/","title":{"rendered":"Shout or Shut Down: Emotional Flooding in Relationship Conflict"},"content":{"rendered":"<div id=\"bsf_rt_marker\" fetchpriority=\"high\"><\/div>\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">My husband and I rarely fight. But when we do, we aren\u2019t very good at it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">When I feel attacked by real or perceived criticism, I\u2019ve been known to attack him right back (despite coaching my young children to do otherwise). I\u2019ve even thrown up an obscene gesture. It\u2019s not pretty, folks.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Equally as maladaptive, but not quite as outwardly problematic: When I feel threatened in some way, I can also withdraw into myself, shutting down. This feels like my brain going fuzzy (save for a few self-protective, distorted thoughts), my body weighing a thousand pounds.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">In both extremes, I\u2019m experiencing what psychologists call <em>emotional flooding.<\/em> My attack response is the \u201cfight\u201d in the fight-flight-freeze. I feel threatened, my body ramps up to fight.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">But my bodily shutdown is more like \u201cfreeze.\u201d It\u2019s a physiological response to stress or fear in which metaphoric walls are built\u2014an attempt to guard against further threat of rejection or harm.&nbsp;This can look and feel like <em>stonewalling<\/em> to your spouse\u2014an intentional refusal to communicate\u2014or like \u201cthe silent treatment\u201d from high school days.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">To be clear, my brain\u2019s protective responses aren\u2019t always in favor of the relationship. Sometimes it guards me above the relationship. My emotional flooding, in short, can be very counterproductive. (In case you\u2019re wondering, research shows emotional flooding afflicts both men and women.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">See, emotional flooding amidst marital conflict is like shooting holes in a boat.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">So how can you, as a couple, move past shouting or shutting down?<\/p>\n\n\n<h2 id=\"h-do-you-or-your-spouse-live-in-an-emotional-flood-zone\" style=\"font-size: 30px;margin-bottom: 15px;line-height: 1.1em\">Do you (or your spouse) live in an emotional flood zone?<\/h2>\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Some of us are prone to emotional flooding. We react more easily to perceived threats. We possess the \u201cperfect storm\u201d to an overactive fight-flight-freeze response: perhaps highly sensitive physiology&nbsp;compounded by a prolonged, highly volatile or stressful environment or trauma.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">It can feel like we\u2019re houses in the flood zone in New Orleans. Not only are we more prone to flooding, but the storms just seem to keep coming. It\u2019s an exhausting way to live, especially if life currently feels like hurricane season.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Not every conflict needs to lead to devastation. Like hurricane preparedness, you can take time before the next storm to talk through vulnerabilities, work on ways to strengthen them, and come up with a plan to weather storms when they arise.<\/p>\n\n\n<h2 id=\"h-know-your-forecast\" style=\"font-size: 30px;margin-bottom: 15px;line-height: 1.1em\">Know your forecast<\/h2>\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Setting judgment aside, think about when you experience emotional flooding.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">What happens in your body? Are you able to pinpoint what feels threatened? What are the differences between interactions with your spouse that do and do not lead to flooding?<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Recognition may sound overly simplistic, but it\u2019s a huge step to be able to recognize when your body is ramping up for a fight-flight-freeze response. Your heart rate is likely elevated; you may experience other physical symptoms akin to light-headedness or tingling sensation. If you\u2019re able to notice, you can start implementing your preparedness plan.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">To plan, think through three questions.<\/p>\n\n\n<h2 id=\"h-3-questions-to-ask-in-conflict-with-emotional-flooding\" style=\"font-size: 30px;margin-bottom: 15px;line-height: 1.1em\">3 Questions to ask in conflict with emotional flooding<\/h2>\n<h3 id=\"h-1-am-i-safe\" style=\"font-size: 24px;line-height: 28px;font-weight: 500;margin-bottom: 8px\">1. Am I safe?<\/h3>\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">In flooding, your body believes you are in danger and tries to protect you. Your job is to figure out, <em>Am I safe?<\/em>&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Some of you actually may not be safe. Your body may be trying to tell you something very important: to get help. God created our bodies to be able to respond appropriately to real threats of danger, both physical and emotional, and He created marriage to be a place of safe and secure love. <a href=\"https:\/\/www.thehotline.org\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\">Please speak with a trusted friend<\/a>, pastor, or counselor if you suspect your relationship is <a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/what-is-domestic-abuse\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\">unsafe<\/a>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Some of us may also need help not necessarily because of current physical or emotional abuse, but because our bodies and\/or communication styles with our spouses are stuck in unhelpful or destructive patterns. Your body may revert to hurricane mode when there\u2019s even a drizzle of conflict. Or perhaps that drizzle of conflict contains a mist of contempt, triggering our deepest fears of unworthiness or rejection.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">If your body\u2019s response is keeping you from feeling safe in non-abusive conflict, there is likely a good amount of prep work to be done before hurricane season comes. I strongly suggest working through your story with <a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/articles\/topics\/marriage\/troubled-marriage\/counseling-issues\/finding-a-christian-counselor\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\">a trained Christian counselor<\/a>. Conflict with your spouse may stir up fears that don\u2019t have much to do with your spouse at all.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">You might also learn and practice healthy conflict and coping skills together (perhaps with the help of marriage counseling). Learning to banish unhealthy accusations, sarcastic or contemptuous speech, or demeaning body language is essential for felt safety for you both. &nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">As you work on your story and healthy communication, normal conflict can start to feel like less of a crisis. Working together to be safe for each other, you can mitigate the damage conflict brings.<\/p>\n\n\n<h3 id=\"h-2-can-i-be-okay-if-my-spouse-isn-t-okay\" style=\"font-size: 24px;line-height: 28px;font-weight: 500;margin-bottom: 8px\">2. Can I be okay if my spouse isn\u2019t okay?<\/h3>\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Part of my story: I\u2019ve consistently taken on a peacemaker role in the relational patterns of my family of origin. This makes it difficult for me to remain \u201cokay\u201d if someone in my system is not \u201cokay.\u201d With two highly sensitive children, I found this dynamic especially <a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/articles\/topics\/parenting\/parenting-challenges\/anger-and-rebellion\/anger-issues-how-im-helping-my-kidsand-myself\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\">challenging in parenting<\/a>. My husband is much more even-keeled, but I still notice my stress level rise in proportion to his.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">I\u2019m learning to take his frustrations less personally. He is able to express irritation at the clutter in the kitchen without me crumbling from shame that triggers a deep fear that I\u2019ll never be able to do enough (or be enough).<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">With parenting, I had to learn my children\u2019s behavior wasn\u2019t my report card; it didn\u2019t say anything about my worth as a person or my identity. And as I learned to <a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/articles\/topics\/faith\/essentials-faith\/growing-in-your-faith\/practicing-humility-at-home\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\">separate my identity<\/a> from other people and my performance, this strengthened my relationship with my husband as well.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">When our identity is firm\u2014as beloved children of God no matter how well we do, no matter how we fall short\u2014we can receive constructive criticism from those we love about our performance (see <a href=\"https:\/\/www.biblegateway.com\/passage\/?search=romans+8%3A31-39&amp;version=ESV\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\">Romans 8:31-39<\/a>). We can also know that their bad day or bad behavior doesn\u2019t dictate what we believe about ourselves.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">And when we\u2019re less concerned about protecting our ego and our standing, we\u2019re able to use that energy to empathize with a spouse\u2019s concerns, frustrations, and struggles.<\/p>\n\n\n<h3 id=\"h-3-how-can-i-restore-safety-so-it-s-felt-by-both-of-us\" style=\"font-size: 24px;line-height: 28px;font-weight: 500;margin-bottom: 8px\">3. How can I restore safety so it\u2019s felt by both of us?<\/h3>\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">A large part of restoring felt safety in relational conflict happens outside of tense moments\u2014but there are also techniques to use within stress or conflict. Like the Psalmist in 116:7 addresses his soul, we remind our souls and bodies we\u2019re okay: \u201cReturn, O my soul, to your&nbsp;rest; for the&nbsp;Lord&nbsp;has&nbsp;dealt bountifully with you.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">And because your body is giving you a physiological response to feeling unsafe, it makes sense to respond with physiological methods to restore its \u201csafe\u201d response. Sometimes I\u2019ll say out loud to my family, \u201cI need a few deep breaths,\u201d so they know I need a moment to calm my body down.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">When I first started understanding my emotional flooding, I also practiced breath prayers, used by Christians since the third century. Mine goes like this: \u201cI breathe in God\u2019s grace\u201d (deep inhale in), \u201cI breathe out God\u2019s love\u201d (slow exhale out).<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Tell your spouse you need five minutes to walk outside; you\u2019re not just abandoning the conversation. Feel the grass with your bare feet and listen to nature around you\u2014helping your brain come back to the here and now.<\/p>\n\n\n<h2 id=\"h-slowing-down-emotional-flooding-in-your-relationship\" style=\"font-size: 24px;line-height: 28px;font-weight: 500;margin-bottom: 8px\">Slowing down emotional flooding in your relationship<\/h2>\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Be kind to yourself and your spouse as your body learns to deescalate its response. With some thoughtful preparations before the next storm, you and your spouse can come up with a plan to talk through vulnerabilities, work on ways to strengthen them, and better weather stress and conflict in your relationship.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<hr class=\"wp-block-separator has-css-opacity is-style-wide\" \/>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\"><em>Copyright \u00a9 2022 by FamilyLife. All rights reserved.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Laura Way serves with FamilyLife as a writer and lives in Orlando, Florida with her husband, Aubrey, and their two vibrant young daughters. She and Aubrey lived in East Asia for seven years until relocating unexpectedly a couple of years ago. She enjoys writing about becoming more fully human while sojourning through different places, seasons of life, and terrains of mental and spiritual health at&nbsp;<a href=\"https:\/\/hopeforthesojourn.com\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\">HopeForTheSojourn.com<\/a>.<\/p>\n\n\n<p>[wtr-map class=&#8221;no-map&#8221;]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Emotional flooding makes every marital conflict feel like an emergency. How do you slow down so every argument doesn\u2019t lead to devastation? <\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":349,"featured_media":123220,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"none","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"Emotional flooding makes every marital conflict feel like an emergency. 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