{"id":120691,"date":"2021-11-30T13:17:48","date_gmt":"2021-11-30T20:17:48","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/?p=120691"},"modified":"2021-11-30T13:17:48","modified_gmt":"2021-11-30T20:17:48","slug":"why-the-holidays-bring-out-the-worst-in-your-marriage","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/articles\/topics\/holidays\/featured-holidays\/christmas\/why-the-holidays-bring-out-the-worst-in-your-marriage\/","title":{"rendered":"Why the holidays bring out the worst in your marriage"},"content":{"rendered":"<div id=\"bsf_rt_marker\" fetchpriority=\"high\"><\/div>\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">So part of me occasionally turns Grinchy during the holidays. Where previously I bounded through gift lists and d\u00e9cor and gifts for teachers, now my <em>heart\u2019s an empty hole!<\/em> And my husband, if I\u2019m not careful, quickly becomes my roast beast. Wondering why you\u2019re fighting over the holidays\u2014and how to cease and desist?<\/p>\n\n\n<h2 id=\"h-3-reasons-we-clash-during-the-holidays-how-to-stop-fighting\" style=\"font-size: 30px;margin-bottom: 15px;line-height: 1.1em\">3 Reasons we clash during the holidays &amp; how to stop fighting<\/h2>\n<h4 style=\"font-weight:bold\">REASON 1: Accidental death by Christmas stress.<\/h4>\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Before your heart shrinks two sizes too small, you\u2019re clearly not alone. All the prep for the holiday\u2013budgets, gifts lists, matching pajamas, cookies, packing\u2014can swell beyond the reasons we\u2019re doing this in the first place \u2026 <em>By golly Baby Jesus, I know You\u2019re in all this somewhere<\/em>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Unfortunately, our nearest, most secure, or already-tense relationships (read: marriages) often double as shock-absorbers for our stress, resentment, and exhaustion.<\/p>\n\n\n<h3 style=\"font-size: 24px;line-height: 28px;font-weight:500;margin-bottom: 8px\">Solution 1: Take time to evaluate.<\/h3>\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Sometimes we\u2019re running off toward a lesser goal\u2014perfect appetizers, being \u201cthat house\u201d with the dazzling lights display; Christmas cards\u2014at the expense of more important goals. Like peace and joy in our homes.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">We sense the truth that where our treasure is, there our hearts will also be (<a href=\"https:\/\/www.biblegateway.com\/passage\/?search=Matthew+6%3A21&amp;version=ESV\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\">Matthew 6:21<\/a>). That the holes in our lives are never filled by more stuff, food, activity, or accomplishments.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Think about:<\/p>\n\n\n<ul style=\"margin: 0 0 15px 1.5em\">\n<li style=\"padding-bottom: 8px\">What you need to do, versus what others expect you to do. (Or you imagine they do.)<\/li>\n<li style=\"padding-bottom: 8px\">What you\u2019re doing to obtain the perfect Christmas in your head, now sabotaged by your insanity. Will your kids wander from God if you don\u2019t do an Advent calendar this year? Doubt it.<\/li>\n<li style=\"padding-bottom: 8px\">What you can delegate and to whom. Do you really need to make the whole feast yourself?<\/li>\n<li style=\"padding-bottom: 8px\">What you can put off. Does that work project <em>have to<\/em> be turned in before your trip?<\/li>\n<li style=\"padding-bottom: 8px\">What\u2019s most meaningful. Could you appreciate a person by spending time with them\u2014rather than shopping for a gift they don\u2019t need?<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">I like how Paul evaluates priorities: \u201cIf I were still trying to please man, I would not be a servant of Christ\u201d (Galatians 1:10).<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Often in my attempts to be everywhere and everything to everyone, I\u2019m not \u201call there\u201d with anyone. Being present with God or my husband or my kids is about <em>not<\/em> being somewhere else.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">So don\u2019t just evaluate. Stop fighting by <a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/articles\/topics\/holidays\/featured-holidays\/christmas\/25-ways-for-leaders-to-decorate-inside-for-the-holidays\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\">taking time to decorate inside<\/a>\u2014and I\u2019m not talking twisting garland around the stair rail. Create space to worship God in your heart: The real goal of Christmas, right (<a href=\"https:\/\/www.biblegateway.com\/passage\/?search=1+Corinthians+10%3A31&amp;version=ESV\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\">1 Corinthians 10:31<\/a>)?<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Present your concerns, schedule, and family members to Him. What are the good works He\u2019s prepared for you to do (<a href=\"https:\/\/www.biblegateway.com\/passage\/?search=Ephesians+2%3A10&amp;version=ESV\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\">Ephesians 2:10<\/a>)\u2014no more, no less?<\/p>\n\n\n<h3 style=\"font-size: 24px;line-height: 28px;font-weight:500;margin-bottom: 8px\">Solution 2: Stop arguing\u2014by simplifying.<\/h3>\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">One way to stop fighting from stress is to (duh) eliminate unnecessary stress: activities, demands, gifts, decorations, focus.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">What needs your \u201cno\u201d right now? How can you ruthlessly eliminate hurry from your Christmas, prizing, instead, God\u2019s priorities for your home? We can train our minds and hearts away from our constant appetites and the idea that <em>more<\/em> = happiness, comfort, convenience.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Especially in this season, we can make intentional decisions away from temporary excess\u2014and toward a singular heart with eternal purpose: <em>Jesus, how can I honor You? What\u2019s most important for You to do in my family this Christmas?<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n<h4 style=\"font-weight:bold\" id=\"h-reason-2-a-lot-of-time-together\">REASON 2: A lot of time together.<\/h4>\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">All this \u201cquality time\u201d together can mean conflict because that\u2019s what happens when differing values collide. We\u2019re unique people with, let\u2019s face it, less-than-altruistic desires. Even our good desires are often laced with agendas: <em>If my bathrooms aren\u2019t clean when Mom gets here, I\u2019ll feel judged, rejected, and not enough.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">As James 4:1 puts it, \u201cWhat causes quarrels and what causes fights among you? Is it not this, that your passions are at war within you?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">When we\u2019re together more, our personal goals are thwarted more. <a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/articles\/topics\/marriage\/staying-married\/communication\/that-same-stupid-fight-handling-conflict-with-your-spouse\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\">Obviously, those conflicts can be unspoken or overt, tangible or intangible, quiet or not-so-much.<\/a><\/p>\n\n\n<h3 style=\"font-size: 24px;line-height: 28px;font-weight:500;margin-bottom: 8px\" id=\"h-solution-1-stop-arguing-by-stoking-fires-of-undeserved-kindness\">Solution 1: Stop arguing by stoking fires of undeserved kindness.<\/h3>\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">The ways we show forgiveness, peace, and justice in our marriages are a show-and-tell about what God did for us through Jesus.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">So your response to your spouse for not getting the Christmas cards you needed to take to work or forgetting three grocery-list items? Those are opportunities to honor God and grow more like Him. (<em>How would He have me respond to my spouse? Will I make my desires, goals, \u201crights,\u201d and agendas serve His will above mine? Will I obey God and trust Him?<\/em>)<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Conflict allows us to serve each other, and even to grow as it gives us new ways of looking at life: <em>She was right. I enjoy Christmas more when we don\u2019t stay the whole day at Dad\u2019s.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Does that mean conflict could actually improve our relationships? That\u2019s exactly what I\u2019m saying.<\/p>\n\n\n<h3 style=\"font-size: 24px;line-height: 28px;font-weight:500;margin-bottom: 8px\">Solution 2: Remember the flip side.<\/h3>\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">What\u2019s the flip side of the aspects of your spouse\u2019s personality that are such crazy-makers at the moment?<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Stop arguing by thanking your spouse out loud for the \u201cstrength\u201d side of what you may see as a weakness. For the ways they\u2019re not like you.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">My husband\u2019s introversion or attention to detail, for example, slow me down in the best ways and help me focus on what matters. They\u2019re not just a constant abrasion to my plans. They fortify our home and our holidays in ways rich and holistic, contributing to a great \u201cteam us.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">So repeat after me: <a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/articles\/topics\/marriage\/staying-married\/gods-plan-for-marriage\/your-spouse-is-not-your-enemy\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\"><em>My spouse is not my enemy.<\/em><\/a><\/p>\n\n\n<h3 id=\"h-solution-1-examine-your-expectations\" style=\"font-size: 24px;line-height: 28px;font-weight: 500;margin-bottom: 8px\">Solution 3: Give a gift of time away that invests in you, plural.<\/h3>\n<p>The holidays can leave you wishing you had a river to skate away on. And FamilyLife has a giftable getaway perfect to that end. Their Weekend to Remember marriage retreat helps your relationship recover from holiday-, mother-in-law, light-untangling-, or just-life stress by making your relationship stronger\u2014no matter how firm or fragile. You\u2019ve finally got time alone, and are helped along in long-term relational health through eye-opening, engaging talks from marriage experts, plus just-us projects and time alone.<\/p>\n<p>You\u2019ll leave with practical tools to weather difficult seasons and deal confidently with relationship challenges. \u2026Like Christmas next year.<\/p>\n<h4 style=\"font-weight:bold\" id=\"h-reason-3-you-can-t-stop-arguing-when-expectations-loom-taller-than-your-tree\">REASON 3: You can\u2019t stop arguing when expectations loom taller than your tree.<\/h4>\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">If stress and proximity weren\u2019t enough, let\u2019s mix in expectations, shall we? And not just ours\u2014everyone else\u2019s.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\"><em>I haven\u2019t seen my mother in two years, and you chose to wear a sweater that looks like someone threw up Christmas.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\"><em>Please do not mention politics, vaccines, or anyone who has politics or vaccines.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\"><em>Now everyone, when we walk in the door, put down your phones and look at real people. Or else.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\"><em>My grandma acts like if we don\u2019t come, we don\u2019t really love her.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n<h3 id=\"h-solution-1-examine-your-expectations\" style=\"font-size: 24px;line-height: 28px;font-weight: 500;margin-bottom: 8px\">Solution 1: Examine your expectations.<\/h3>\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Peter Scazzero writes in <em>Emotionally Healthy Spirituality,<\/em> that for expectations to be healthy, they need to be: conscious (you\u2019re actually aware of it), realistic, spoken, and agreed upon.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">You can home in on what your real desires are with questions <a href=\"http:\/\/storage.cloversites.com\/crosshaven\/documents\/xray.pdf\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\">like these from David Powlison<\/a>. Follow each up with \u201cWhy?\u201d:<\/p>\n\n\n<ul style=\"margin: 0 0 15px 1.5em\">\n<li style=\"padding-bottom: 8px\">What do I want?<\/li>\n<li style=\"padding-bottom: 8px\">What do I crave, long for, wish, seek?<\/li>\n<li style=\"padding-bottom: 8px\">Whose desires do I obey?<\/li>\n<li style=\"padding-bottom: 8px\">What do I fear?<\/li>\n<li style=\"padding-bottom: 8px\">What do I feel like doing?<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<div class=\"fl-article-cta\"><div class=\"fl-article-cta-wrapper\"><a class='fl-article-cta-button' style='margin-top: 15px; visibility: visible; background-color: #f3bd48 !important;' target='_blank' href='https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/content-offer\/christmas-countdown\/' data-color-override='false' data-hover-color-override='false' data-hover-text-color-override='#fff'><span>Grab your FREE FamilyLife Christmas Countdown! <i class='fa fas fa-long-arrow-right'><\/i><\/span> <\/a> <\/div> <\/div>\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Once you and your spouse\u2019s expectations are conscious, it\u2019s time to evaluate together whether those are realistic, wise, loving expectations\u2014and whether you both prize the same goals. (What would be healthier ones, not driven by, say, fear, gluttony, manipulation, or image-management?)<\/p>\n\n\n<h3 id=\"h-solution-2-take-100-responsibility-for-your-contribution\" style=\"font-size: 24px;line-height: 28px;font-weight: 500;margin-bottom: 8px\">Solution 2: Take 100% responsibility for your contribution.<\/h3>\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Know what helps my husband and I stop fighting much more quickly? First admitting to each other the \u201clog\u201d in our own eyes.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">This comes from Matthew 7:5: \u201cYou hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother\u2019s eye.\u201d So\u2014<em>It was rude of me to say that with fewer decorations, we might as well flush Christmas down the toilet. Maybe the house does look a little like Buddy the Elf struck.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Healthy conflict resolution starts with taking 100% responsibility for our contribution\u2014even if we think our contribution is only 5% of the problem. Here\u2019s a tip I heard from author Gary Thomas: We always underestimate the impact our sin has on other people.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Often, our expectations swell from something we want into something we <em>must have.<\/em> We\u2019re willing to pass judgment, sacrifice those we love, and mete out punishment to achieve that desire (hello, silent treatment).<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">We\u2019re not trusting God to meet those desires. They\u2019ve become demands and taken control.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">So stop fighting by admitting specifically what you did, as well as your attitude. And don\u2019t forget to acknowledge hurt you\u2019ve caused. <em>You\u2019re doing your fair share with the kids. I undermined your motherhood with that comment about you not attending the choir concert.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n<h2 id=\"h-your-holidays-are-more-than-this\" style=\"font-size: 30px;margin-bottom: 15px;line-height: 1.1em\">Your Holidays are More Than This<\/h2>\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">The holidays, in the end, are about thankfulness for what is good in our lives. Mainly, a God who landed in our real-life mess to reconcile the distance between us.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">So amidst the bustle and glitz, carve out the time to find the Wonderful Counselor and Prince of Peace in the middle of your marriage. Recover the closeness, connection, and God-honoring holidays worth celebrating. Once your inner Grinch gets over it, he\u2019ll thank you.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<hr \/>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\"><em>Copyright \u00a9 2021 Janel Breitenstein. All rights reserved.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Janel Breitenstein is an author, freelance writer, speaker, and frequent contributor for FamilyLife, including Passport2Identity\u00ae, Art of Parenting\u00ae, and regular articles. After five and a half years in East Africa, her family of six has returned to Colorado, where they continue to work on behalf of the poor with Engineering Ministries International. Her book, <em>Permanent Markers: Spiritual Life Skills to Write on Your Kids\u2019 Hearts<\/em> (Harvest House), empowers parents to creatively engage kids in vibrant spirituality. You can find her\u2014\u201cThe Awkward Mom\u201d\u2014having uncomfortable, important conversations at JanelBreitenstein.com, and on Instagram @janelbreit.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Part of me can turn Grinchy over the holidays. And my husband, if I\u2019m not careful, becomes my Roast Beast. Wondering how to stop fighting?<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":349,"featured_media":120932,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"none","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"Part of me can turn Grinchy over the holidays. And my husband, if I\u2019m not careful, becomes my Roast Beast. 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And my husband, if I\u2019m not careful, becomes my Roast Beast. Wondering how to stop fighting?"],"_yoast_wpseo_linkdex":["65"],"_yoast_wpseo_content_score":["90"],"_yoast_wpseo_focuskeywords":["[]"],"_yoast_wpseo_keywordsynonyms":["[\"\"]"],"_yoast_wpseo_estimated-reading-time-minutes":["8"],"video_embed_code":[""],"_video_embed_code":["field_61a661f3ff0af"],"selected_related_posts":["a:3:{i:0;s:6:\"104139\";i:1;s:5:\"93637\";i:2;s:4:\"9337\";}"],"_selected_related_posts":["field_5e5fe92b0a360"],"selected_related_podcast":["a:3:{i:0;s:6:\"120618\";i:1;s:5:\"92591\";i:2;s:6:\"104116\";}"],"_selected_related_podcast":["field_5e5fe887b04cc"],"_thumbnail_id":["120932"],"_elementor_template_type":["wp-post"],"_elementor_version":["3.4.8"],"_elementor_pro_version":["3.4.1"],"_wp_page_template":["default"],"_elementor_page_settings":["a:1:{s:4:\"text\";s:5:\"Title\";}"],"_elementor_data":["[{\"id\":\"5248bee4\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":{\"premium_parallax_layers_list\":[],\"premium_gradient_colors_repeater\":[],\"premium_kenburns_repeater\":[],\"premium_lottie_repeater\":[],\"display_condition_list\":[{\"display_condition_login_status\":\"subscriber\",\"_id\":\"c9b0516\"}],\"layout\":\"full_width\"},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"7dc8f889\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"display_condition_list\":[{\"display_condition_login_status\":\"subscriber\",\"_id\":\"b7748dc\"}],\"premium_parallax_layers_list\":[],\"premium_gradient_colors_repeater\":[],\"premium_kenburns_repeater\":[]},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"3130d57d\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<!-- wp:paragraph -->\\n<p>So part of me occasionally turns Grinchy during the holidays. Where previously I bounded through gift lists and d\\u00e9cor and gifts for teachers, now my <em>heart\\u2019s an empty hole!<\\\/em> And my husband, if I\\u2019m not careful, quickly becomes my roast beast. Wondering how to stop fighting over the holidays\\u2014and why it happens in the first place?<\\\/p>\\n<!-- \\\/wp:paragraph -->\\n\\n<h2 id=\\\"h-3-reasons-we-clash-during-the-holidays-how-to-stop-fighting\\\" style=\\\"font-size: 30px; margin-bottom: 15px; line-height: 1.1em;\\\">3 Reasons we clash during the holidays &amp; how to stop fighting<\\\/h2>\\n\\n<h3 id=\\\"h-reason-1-accidental-death-by-christmas-stress\\\" style=\\\"font-size: 24px; line-height: 28px; font-weight: 500; margin-bottom: 8px;\\\">Reason 1: Accidental death by Christmas stress.<\\\/h3>\\n\\n<!-- wp:paragraph -->\\n<p>Before your heart shrinks two sizes too small, you\\u2019re clearly not alone. All the prep for the holiday\\u2013budgets, gifts lists, matching pajamas, cookies, packing\\u2014can swell beyond the reasons we\\u2019re doing this in the first place \\u2026 <em>By golly Baby Jesus, I know You\\u2019re in all this somewhere<\\\/em>.<\\\/p>\\n<!-- \\\/wp:paragraph -->\\n\\n<!-- wp:paragraph -->\\n<p>Unfortunately, our nearest, most secure, or already-tense relationships (read: marriages) often double as shock-absorbers for our stress, resentment, and exhaustion.<\\\/p>\\n<!-- \\\/wp:paragraph -->\\n\\n<h3 id=\\\"h-solution-1-take-time-to-evaluate\\\" style=\\\"font-size: 24px; line-height: 28px; font-weight: 500; margin-bottom: 8px;\\\">Solution 1: Take time to evaluate.<\\\/h3>\\n\\n<!-- wp:paragraph -->\\n<p>Sometimes we\\u2019re running off toward a lesser goal\\u2014perfect appetizers, being \\u201cthat house\\u201d with the dazzling lights display; Christmas cards\\u2014at the expense of more important goals. Like peace and joy in our homes.<\\\/p>\\n<!-- \\\/wp:paragraph -->\\n\\n<!-- wp:paragraph -->\\n<p>We sense the truth that where our treasure is, there our hearts will also be (<a href=\\\"https:\\\/\\\/www.biblegateway.com\\\/passage\\\/?search=Matthew+6%3A21&amp;version=ESV\\\" target=\\\"_blank\\\" rel=\\\"noreferrer noopener\\\">Matthew 6:21<\\\/a>). That the holes in our lives are never filled by more stuff, food, activity, or accomplishments.<\\\/p>\\n<!-- \\\/wp:paragraph -->\\n\\n<!-- wp:paragraph -->\\n<p>Think about:<\\\/p>\\n<!-- \\\/wp:paragraph -->\\n\\n<ul style=\\\"margin: 0 0 15px 1.5em;\\\">\\n<li style=\\\"padding-bottom: 8px;\\\"><strong>What you need to do, versus what others expect you to do.<\\\/strong> (Or you imagine they do.)<\\\/li>\\n<li style=\\\"padding-bottom: 8px;\\\"><strong>What you\\u2019re doing to obtain the perfect Christmas in your head, <\\\/strong>now sabotaged by your insanity. Will your kids wander from God if you don\\u2019t do an Advent calendar this year? Doubt it.<\\\/li>\\n<li style=\\\"padding-bottom: 8px;\\\"><strong>What you can delegate and to whom.<\\\/strong> Do you really need to make the whole feast yourself?<\\\/li>\\n<li style=\\\"padding-bottom: 8px;\\\"><strong>What you can put off.<\\\/strong> Does that work project <em>have to<\\\/em> be turned in before your trip?<\\\/li>\\n<li style=\\\"padding-bottom: 8px;\\\"><strong>What\\u2019s most meaningful.<\\\/strong> Could you appreciate a person by spending time with them\\u2014rather than shopping for a gift they don\\u2019t need?<\\\/li>\\n<\\\/ul>\\n\\n<!-- wp:paragraph -->\\n<p>I like how Paul evaluates priorities: \\u201cIf I were still trying to please man, I would not be a servant of Christ\\u201d (Galatians 1:10).<\\\/p>\\n<!-- \\\/wp:paragraph -->\\n\\n<!-- wp:paragraph -->\\n<p>Often in my attempts to be everywhere and everything to everyone, I\\u2019m not \\u201call there\\u201d with anyone. Being present with God or my husband or my kids is about <em>not<\\\/em> being somewhere else.<\\\/p>\\n<!-- \\\/wp:paragraph -->\\n\\n<!-- wp:paragraph -->\\n<p>So don\\u2019t just evaluate. Stop fighting by <a href=\\\"https:\\\/\\\/www.familylife.com\\\/articles\\\/topics\\\/holidays\\\/featured-holidays\\\/christmas\\\/25-ways-for-leaders-to-decorate-inside-for-the-holidays\\\/\\\" target=\\\"_blank\\\" rel=\\\"noreferrer noopener\\\">taking time to decorate inside<\\\/a>\\u2014and I\\u2019m not talking twisting garland around the stair rail. Create space to worship God in your heart: The real goal of Christmas, right (<a href=\\\"https:\\\/\\\/www.biblegateway.com\\\/passage\\\/?search=1+Corinthians+10%3A31&amp;version=ESV\\\" target=\\\"_blank\\\" rel=\\\"noreferrer noopener\\\">1 Corinthians 10:31<\\\/a>)?<\\\/p>\\n<!-- \\\/wp:paragraph -->\\n\\n<!-- wp:paragraph -->\\n<p>Present your concerns, schedule, and family members to Him. What are the good works He\\u2019s prepared for you to do (<a href=\\\"https:\\\/\\\/www.biblegateway.com\\\/passage\\\/?search=Ephesians+2%3A10&amp;version=ESV\\\" target=\\\"_blank\\\" rel=\\\"noreferrer noopener\\\">Ephesians 2:10<\\\/a>)\\u2014no more, no less?<\\\/p>\\n<!-- \\\/wp:paragraph -->\\n\\n<h3 id=\\\"h-solution-2-stop-arguing-by-simplifying\\\" style=\\\"font-size: 24px; line-height: 28px; font-weight: 500; margin-bottom: 8px;\\\">Solution 2: Stop arguing\\u2014by simplifying.<\\\/h3>\\n\\n<!-- wp:paragraph -->\\n<p>One way to stop fighting from stress is to (duh) eliminate unnecessary stress: activities, demands, gifts, decorations, focus.<\\\/p>\\n<!-- \\\/wp:paragraph -->\\n\\n<!-- wp:paragraph -->\\n<p>What needs your \\u201cno\\u201d right now? How can you ruthlessly eliminate hurry from your Christmas, prizing, instead, God\\u2019s priorities for your home? We can train our minds and hearts away from our constant appetites and the idea that <em>more<\\\/em> = happiness, comfort, convenience.<\\\/p>\\n<!-- \\\/wp:paragraph -->\\n\\n<!-- wp:paragraph -->\\n<p>Especially in this season, we can make intentional decisions away from temporary excess\\u2014and toward a singular heart with eternal purpose: <em>Jesus, how can I honor You? What\\u2019s most important for You to do in my family this Christmas?<\\\/em><\\\/p>\\n<!-- \\\/wp:paragraph -->\\n\\n<h3 id=\\\"h-reason-2-a-lot-of-time-together\\\" style=\\\"font-size: 24px; line-height: 28px; font-weight: 500; margin-bottom: 8px;\\\">Reason 2: A lot of time together.<\\\/h3>\\n\\n<!-- wp:paragraph -->\\n<p>All this \\u201cquality time\\u201d together can mean conflict because that\\u2019s what happens when differing values collide. We\\u2019re unique people with, let\\u2019s face it, less-than-altruistic desires. Even our good desires are often laced with agendas: <em>If my bathrooms aren\\u2019t clean when Mom gets here, I\\u2019ll feel judged, rejected, and not enough.<\\\/em><\\\/p>\\n<!-- \\\/wp:paragraph -->\\n\\n<!-- wp:paragraph -->\\n<p>As James 4:1 puts it, \\u201cWhat causes quarrels and what causes fights among you? Is it not this, that your passions are at war within you?\\u201d<\\\/p>\\n<!-- \\\/wp:paragraph -->\\n\\n<!-- wp:paragraph -->\\n<p>When we\\u2019re together more, our personal goals are thwarted more. <a href=\\\"https:\\\/\\\/www.familylife.com\\\/articles\\\/topics\\\/marriage\\\/staying-married\\\/communication\\\/that-same-stupid-fight-handling-conflict-with-your-spouse\\\/\\\" target=\\\"_blank\\\" rel=\\\"noreferrer noopener\\\">Obviously, those conflicts can be unspoken or overt, tangible or intangible, quiet or not-so-much.<\\\/a><\\\/p>\\n<!-- \\\/wp:paragraph -->\\n\\n<h3 id=\\\"h-solution-1-stop-arguing-by-stoking-fires-of-undeserved-kindness\\\" style=\\\"font-size: 24px; line-height: 28px; font-weight: 500; margin-bottom: 8px;\\\">Solution 1: Stop arguing by stoking fires of undeserved kindness.<\\\/h3>\\n\\n<!-- wp:paragraph -->\\n<p>The ways we show forgiveness, peace, and justice in our marriages are a show-and-tell about what God did for us through Jesus.<\\\/p>\\n<!-- \\\/wp:paragraph -->\\n\\n<!-- wp:paragraph -->\\n<p>So your response to your spouse for not getting the Christmas cards you needed to take to work or forgetting three grocery-list items? Those are opportunities to honor God and grow more like Him. (<em>How would He have me respond to my spouse? Will I make my desires, goals, \\u201crights,\\u201d and agendas serve His will above mine? Will I obey God and trust Him?<\\\/em>)<\\\/p>\\n<!-- \\\/wp:paragraph -->\\n\\n<!-- wp:paragraph -->\\n<p>Conflict allows us to serve each other, and even to grow as it gives us new ways of looking at life: <em>She was right. I enjoy Christmas more when we don\\u2019t stay the whole day at Dad\\u2019s.<\\\/em><\\\/p>\\n<!-- \\\/wp:paragraph -->\\n\\n<!-- wp:paragraph -->\\n<p>Does that mean conflict could actually improve our relationships? That\\u2019s exactly what I\\u2019m saying.<\\\/p>\\n<!-- \\\/wp:paragraph -->\\n\\n<h3 id=\\\"h-solution-2-remember-the-flip-side\\\" style=\\\"font-size: 24px; line-height: 28px; font-weight: 500; margin-bottom: 8px;\\\">Solution 2: Remember the flip side.<\\\/h3>\\n\\n<!-- wp:paragraph -->\\n<p>What\\u2019s the flip side of the aspects of your spouse\\u2019s personality that are such crazy-makers at the moment?<\\\/p>\\n<!-- \\\/wp:paragraph -->\\n\\n<!-- wp:paragraph -->\\n<p>Stop arguing by thanking your spouse out loud for the \\u201cstrength\\u201d side of what you may see as a weakness. For the ways they\\u2019re not like you.<\\\/p>\\n<!-- \\\/wp:paragraph -->\\n\\n<!-- wp:paragraph -->\\n<p>My husband\\u2019s introversion or attention to detail, for example, slow me down in the best ways and help me focus on what matters. They\\u2019re not just a constant abrasion to my plans. They fortify our home and our holidays in ways rich and holistic, contributing to a great \\u201cteam us.\\u201d<\\\/p>\\n<!-- \\\/wp:paragraph -->\\n\\n<!-- wp:paragraph -->\\n<p>So repeat after me: <a href=\\\"https:\\\/\\\/www.familylife.com\\\/articles\\\/topics\\\/marriage\\\/staying-married\\\/gods-plan-for-marriage\\\/your-spouse-is-not-your-enemy\\\/\\\" target=\\\"_blank\\\" rel=\\\"noreferrer noopener\\\"><em>My spouse is not my enemy.<\\\/em><\\\/a><\\\/p>\\n<!-- \\\/wp:paragraph -->\\n\\n<h3 id=\\\"h-reason-3-you-can-t-stop-arguing-when-expectations-loom-taller-than-your-tree\\\" style=\\\"font-size: 24px; line-height: 28px; font-weight: 500; margin-bottom: 8px;\\\">Reason 3: You can\\u2019t stop arguing when expectations loom taller than your tree.<\\\/h3>\\n\\n<!-- wp:paragraph -->\\n<p>If stress and proximity weren\\u2019t enough, let\\u2019s mix in expectations, shall we? And not just ours\\u2014everyone else\\u2019s.<\\\/p>\\n<!-- \\\/wp:paragraph -->\\n\\n<!-- wp:paragraph -->\\n<p><em>I haven\\u2019t seen my mother in two years, and you chose to wear a sweater that looks like someone threw up Christmas.<\\\/em><\\\/p>\\n<!-- \\\/wp:paragraph -->\\n\\n<!-- wp:paragraph -->\\n<p><em>Please do not mention politics, vaccines, or anyone who has politics or vaccines.<\\\/em><\\\/p>\\n<!-- \\\/wp:paragraph -->\\n\\n<!-- wp:paragraph -->\\n<p><em>Now everyone, when we walk in the door, put down your phones and look at real people. Or else.<\\\/em><\\\/p>\\n<!-- \\\/wp:paragraph -->\\n\\n<!-- wp:paragraph -->\\n<p><em>My grandma acts like if we don\\u2019t come, we don\\u2019t really love her.<\\\/em><\\\/p>\\n<!-- \\\/wp:paragraph -->\\n\\n<h3 id=\\\"h-solution-1-examine-your-expectations\\\" style=\\\"font-size: 24px; line-height: 28px; font-weight: 500; margin-bottom: 8px;\\\">Solution 1: Examine your expectations.<\\\/h3>\\n\\n<!-- wp:paragraph -->\\n<p>Peter Scazzero writes in <em>Emotionally Healthy Spirituality,<\\\/em> that for expectations to be healthy, they need to be: conscious (you\\u2019re actually aware of it), realistic, spoken, and agreed upon.<\\\/p>\\n<!-- \\\/wp:paragraph -->\\n\\n<!-- wp:paragraph -->\\n<p>You can home in on what your real desires are with questions <a href=\\\"http:\\\/\\\/storage.cloversites.com\\\/crosshaven\\\/documents\\\/xray.pdf\\\" target=\\\"_blank\\\" rel=\\\"noreferrer noopener\\\">like these from David Powlison<\\\/a>. Follow each up with \\u201cWhy?\\u201d:<\\\/p>\\n<!-- \\\/wp:paragraph -->\\n\\n<ul style=\\\"margin: 0 0 15px 1.5em;\\\">\\n<li style=\\\"padding-bottom: 8px;\\\">What do I want?<\\\/li>\\n<li style=\\\"padding-bottom: 8px;\\\">What do I crave, long for, wish, seek?<\\\/li>\\n<li style=\\\"padding-bottom: 8px;\\\">Whose desires do I obey?<\\\/li>\\n<li style=\\\"padding-bottom: 8px;\\\">What do I fear?<\\\/li>\\n<li style=\\\"padding-bottom: 8px;\\\">What do I feel like doing?<\\\/li>\\n<\\\/ul>\\n\\n<p>[fl-article-cta id=\\\"7\\\"]<\\\/p>\\n\\n<!-- wp:paragraph -->\\n<p>Once you and your spouse\\u2019s expectations are conscious, it\\u2019s time to evaluate together whether those are realistic, wise, loving expectations\\u2014and whether you both prize the same goals. (What would be healthier ones, not driven by, say, fear, gluttony, manipulation, or image-management?)<\\\/p>\\n<!-- \\\/wp:paragraph -->\\n\\n<h3 id=\\\"h-solution-2-take-100-responsibility-for-your-contribution\\\" style=\\\"font-size: 24px; line-height: 28px; font-weight: 500; margin-bottom: 8px;\\\">Solution 2: Take 100% responsibility for your contribution.<\\\/h3>\\n\\n<!-- wp:paragraph -->\\n<p>Know what helps my husband and I stop fighting much more quickly? First admitting to each other the \\u201clog\\u201d in our own eyes.<\\\/p>\\n<!-- \\\/wp:paragraph -->\\n\\n<!-- wp:paragraph -->\\n<p>This comes from Matthew 7:5: \\u201cYou hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother\\u2019s eye.\\u201d So\\u2014<em>It was rude of me to say that with fewer decorations, we might as well flush Christmas down the toilet. Maybe the house does look a little like Buddy the Elf struck.<\\\/em><\\\/p>\\n<!-- \\\/wp:paragraph -->\\n\\n<!-- wp:paragraph -->\\n<p>Healthy conflict resolution starts with taking 100% responsibility for our contribution\\u2014even if we think our contribution is only 5% of the problem. Here\\u2019s a tip I heard from author Gary Thomas: We always underestimate the impact our sin has on other people.<\\\/p>\\n<!-- \\\/wp:paragraph -->\\n\\n<!-- wp:paragraph -->\\n<p>Often, our expectations swell from something we want into something we <em>must have.<\\\/em> We\\u2019re willing to pass judgment, sacrifice those we love, and mete out punishment to achieve that desire (hello, silent treatment).<\\\/p>\\n<!-- \\\/wp:paragraph -->\\n\\n<!-- wp:paragraph -->\\n<p>We\\u2019re not trusting God to meet those desires. They\\u2019ve become demands and taken control.<\\\/p>\\n<!-- \\\/wp:paragraph -->\\n\\n<!-- wp:paragraph -->\\n<p>So stop fighting by admitting specifically what you did, as well as your attitude. And don\\u2019t forget to acknowledge hurt you\\u2019ve caused. <em>You\\u2019re doing your fair share with the kids. I undermined your motherhood with that comment about you not attending the choir concert.<\\\/em><\\\/p>\\n<!-- \\\/wp:paragraph -->\\n\\n<h2 id=\\\"h-your-holidays-are-more-than-this\\\" style=\\\"font-size: 30px; margin-bottom: 15px; line-height: 1.1em;\\\">Your Holidays are More Than This<\\\/h2>\\n\\n<!-- wp:paragraph -->\\n<p>The holidays, in the end, are about thankfulness for what is good in our lives. Mainly, a God who landed in our real-life mess to reconcile the distance between us.<\\\/p>\\n<!-- \\\/wp:paragraph -->\\n\\n<!-- wp:paragraph -->\\n<p>So amidst the bustle and glitz, carve out the time to find the Wonderful Counselor and Prince of Peace in the middle of your marriage. Recover the closeness, connection, and God-honoring holidays worth celebrating. Once your inner Grinch gets over it, he\\u2019ll thank you.<\\\/p>\\n<!-- \\\/wp:paragraph -->\\n\\n<!-- wp:separator {\\\"className\\\":\\\"is-style-wide\\\"} -->\\n<hr class=\\\"wp-block-separator is-style-wide\\\"\\\/>\\n<!-- \\\/wp:separator -->\\n\\n<!-- wp:paragraph -->\\n<p><em>Copyright \\u00a9 2021 Janel Breitenstein. All rights reserved.<\\\/em><\\\/p>\\n<!-- \\\/wp:paragraph -->\\n\\n<!-- wp:paragraph -->\\n<p>Janel Breitenstein is an author, freelance writer, speaker, and frequent contributor for FamilyLife, including Passport2Identity\\u00ae, Art of Parenting\\u00ae, and regular articles. After five and a half years in East Africa, her family of six has returned to Colorado, where they continue to work on behalf of the poor with Engineering Ministries International. Her book, <em>Permanent Markers: Spiritual Life Skills to Write on Your Kids\\u2019 Hearts<\\\/em> (Harvest House), empowers parents to creatively engage kids in vibrant spirituality. You can find her\\u2014\\u201cThe Awkward Mom\\u201d\\u2014having uncomfortable, important conversations at JanelBreitenstein.com, and on Instagram @janelbreit.<\\\/p>\\n<!-- \\\/wp:paragraph -->\",\"display_condition_list\":[{\"display_condition_login_status\":\"subscriber\",\"_id\":\"cd3c7bf\"}]},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false}]"],"_elementor_page_assets":["a:0:{}"],"_elementor_controls_usage":["a:3:{s:11:\"text-editor\";a:3:{s:5:\"count\";i:1;s:15:\"control_percent\";i:1;s:8:\"controls\";a:2:{s:7:\"content\";a:1:{s:14:\"section_editor\";a:1:{s:6:\"editor\";i:1;}}s:8:\"advanced\";a:1:{s:26:\"display_conditions_section\";a:1:{s:22:\"display_condition_list\";i:1;}}}}s:6:\"column\";a:3:{s:5:\"count\";i:1;s:15:\"control_percent\";i:0;s:8:\"controls\";a:1:{s:8:\"advanced\";a:1:{s:26:\"display_conditions_section\";a:1:{s:22:\"display_condition_list\";i:1;}}}}s:7:\"section\";a:3:{s:5:\"count\";i:1;s:15:\"control_percent\";i:0;s:8:\"controls\";a:2:{s:8:\"advanced\";a:1:{s:26:\"display_conditions_section\";a:1:{s:22:\"display_condition_list\";i:1;}}s:6:\"layout\";a:1:{s:14:\"section_layout\";a:1:{s:6:\"layout\";i:1;}}}}}"],"addressline1":[""],"_addressline1":["field_598a645214a6b"],"availableseats":[""],"_availableseats":["field_598a646bbebc6"],"city":[""],"_city":["field_598a647e29bf2"],"countrycode":[""],"_countrycode":["field_598a648b86dcc"],"enddate":[""],"_enddate":["field_598a64a5afb90"],"eventid":[""],"_eventid":["field_598a6442626b9"],"latitude":[""],"_latitude":["field_598a64f8ada01"],"longitude":[""],"_longitude":["field_598a653e355f6"],"postalcode":[""],"_postalcode":["field_598a654b146f3"],"startdate":[""],"_startdate":["field_598a655fc5a8d"],"state":[""],"_state":["field_598a6575c5a8e"],"url":[""],"_url":["field_598a6582c5a8f"],"venuename":[""],"_venuename":["field_598a6598c5a90"],"hotel_reservationurl":[""],"_hotel_reservationurl":["field_598a65b3c5a91"],"reservationtelephone":[""],"_reservationtelephone":["field_598a65c6c5a92"],"imageurl":[""],"_imageurl":["field_598a65edc5a93"],"_yoast_wpseo_wordproof_timestamp":[""],"_wp_old_slug":["stop-fighting-with-your-spouse-over-the-holidays"],"_yoast_post_redirect_info":["a:4:{s:6:\"origin\";s:101:\"articles\/topics\/holidays\/featured-holidays\/christmas\/stop-fighting-with-your-spouse-over-the-holidays\";s:6:\"target\";s:106:\"articles\/topics\/holidays\/featured-holidays\/christmas\/why-the-holidays-bring-out-the-worst-in-your-marriage\";s:4:\"type\";i:301;s:6:\"format\";s:5:\"plain\";}"],"_eael_post_view_count":["6093"],"_eb_reusable_block_ids":["a:0:{}"],"_seopress_titles_desc":["Part of me can turn Grinchy over the holidays. 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