{"id":118555,"date":"2021-10-08T09:31:27","date_gmt":"2021-10-08T15:31:27","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/?p=118555"},"modified":"2021-10-08T09:31:27","modified_gmt":"2021-10-08T15:31:27","slug":"how-to-stop-fighting-about-money-problems-in-marriage","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/articles\/topics\/marriage\/marriage-challenges\/finances\/how-to-stop-fighting-about-money-problems-in-marriage\/","title":{"rendered":"How To Stop Fighting About Money Problems in Marriage"},"content":{"rendered":"
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When my husband and I married, we mutually designated yours truly as CFO. And every month, my heart rate accelerated as I reconciled our poverty-line income with a pile of tilting receipts.<\/p>\n\n\n

I\u2019d procrastinate, which is unusual for me (unless you consider my love\/mostly hate relationship with math). I despised worrying about every expenditure. Guardianship burdened me; I loathed playing the killjoy if my exhausted husband wanted to catch a movie. I hated fighting about money.<\/p>\n\n\n

Yes, I kept us in the black. But several years and a Dave Ramsey program later, my husband took the helm, likely rescuing me from a heart attack at thirty. Turns out he has a natural gift for financial planning. With a trustworthy, agreed-upon plan in place, financial stress evaporated. And every time he mentions he\u2019s working on our finances, I fall in love a little more.<\/p>\n\n\n

I tell you this because resolving our tension around money wasn\u2019t actually about the money. Author Sheila Heen reports<\/a> that 18 months following their win, UK lottery winners were roughly as happy or unhappy as before.<\/p>\n\n\n

Spoiler alert: The core of your money problems wouldn\u2019t actually be solved if you had more.<\/em><\/p>\n\n

How to stop fighting about money problems<\/h2>\n\n

For my husband and me, money was a megaphone amplifying marriage dynamics. Like time or sex, money acts as a relational microcosm.<\/p>\n\n\n

Want to peer into your power dynamics, trust, your ability to work as a team? Check your credit card statement.<\/p>\n\n\n

When Jesus observes a man should \u201chold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh\u201d (Matthew 19:5), His statement applies to cash, too. How \u201cone flesh\u201d are your finances? Because fighting about money is another hurdle in the three-legged race of marriage.<\/p>\n\n\n

So if you\u2019re still arguing about the same old money problems, how can you stop?<\/p>\n\n

1. Talk<\/em> about money problems\u2014and appreciate your spouse’s values as legitimate.<\/h3>\n\n

Maybe you know your Myers-Briggs or Enneagram profile. But how would you define your individual money personalities?<\/p>\n\n\n

Start with the broad spectrum of saver<\/em> vs. spender<\/em>. Where do you each fall?<\/p>\n\n\n

Now look at your families of origin and their stories. What did you learn about money \u2026 even what not to do?<\/p>\n\n\n

In my developmental years, my parents labored under farm debt. We ordered water at the occasional restaurant, camped for vacation, avoided gas-station snacks on road trips. Imagine my horror when, while dating, my now-husband ordered popcorn at the theater. At seven dollars, that was five generic bags\u2019 worth of popcorn kernels! But going to the movies was a beloved memory with his mom\u2014who always purchased popcorn.<\/p>\n\n\n

At that moment, finances were my avenue for safety; for him, delight. \u201cWhere your treasure is, there your heart will be also\u201d (Matthew 6:21). And money was the means to different treasures.<\/p>\n\n\n

Your treasure might be independence, approval, comfort, power, control. But it can swell so we \u201cworshiped and served the creature rather than the Creator\u201d (Romans 1:25). Healthy desires can morph from a strength to an idol. And when those desires clash? You\u2019re fighting about money again.<\/p>\n\n\n

So discuss these questions, too:<\/p>\n\n