{"id":118203,"date":"2021-09-21T14:09:48","date_gmt":"2021-09-21T20:09:48","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/?p=118203"},"modified":"2021-09-21T14:09:48","modified_gmt":"2021-09-21T20:09:48","slug":"how-not-to-be-a-toxic-parent-to-your-adult-child","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/articles\/topics\/parenting\/ages-and-stages\/adult-children\/how-not-to-be-a-toxic-parent-to-your-adult-child\/","title":{"rendered":"How Not To Be a Toxic Parent to Your Adult Child"},"content":{"rendered":"
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I’ve dropped my daughter off thousands of times. From kindergarten through college, each milestone brought its own unique mix of sadness, excitement, and terror. But as difficult as those moments were, I could always take comfort in knowing they would be over. Eventually, the bell would ring, the class would end, and she’d come back to me.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

This time was different. For the first time, I didn’t know when I’d see my daughter again.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

My wife and I did our best to be positive as we carried boxes into her apartment and helped her put dishes away. We knew our adult child was ready for the challenge, but I wasn’t sure I was.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

As we watched her wave goodbye from the staircase railing, a sea of regrets streamed down my face. Our time was up. Had I done enough?<\/p>\n\n\n

Parenting an adult child<\/h2>\n\n\n

For better or for worse, her decisions are hers to make and consequences hers to bear. If she makes mistakes\u2014and she will\u2014it isn\u2019t a reflection of us or our parenting ability. Likewise, if she succeeds, we can’t pat ourselves on the back.  Her success is hers. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Good or bad, it’s on her now.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

But parenting an adult child is new territory for us. So here are five ways we\u2019re learning not to be toxic parents.<\/p>\n\n\n

1. We\u2019re changing the way we influence.<\/h2>\n\n\n

As her father, I will always have a significant influence on her life, but in a very real way, my time for shaping her values has passed. Friends, co-workers, and romantic relationships will now hold much more sway in her day-to-day life than I will. This doesn’t mean my teaching days are over, but it does mean the way I teach must change.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

No more lectures and unsolicited advice. Instead of jumping in with solutions, I need to ask, “Would you like help figuring this out, or do you want to try and do it on your own?”<\/p>\n\n\n\n

When help is requested, I can’t assume the type or extent. Again, I need to ask, “How would you like me to help you?”<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I’ve always told her she could do anything. Now is the time for me to prove that I meant it. <\/p>\n\n\n

Download a free 30-day guide to praying for your children.<\/i><\/span> <\/a> <\/div> <\/div>\n\n\n

2. We\u2019re releasing control of our adult child.<\/h2>\n\n\n

When she was a child, parenting required us to exert a certain level of control over her life<\/a>. We monitored where she went, what she did, and who she did it with. If she crossed a line, privileges would be suspended or revoked.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

But as an adult, she\u2019s the one who decides how she spends her time and who she spends it with. It\u2019s uncomfortable for us, but we need to give her the freedom to make her own choices. She won’t always do what we would want, but we can trust God won’t let her go.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

“And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ” (Philippians 1:6).<\/p>\n\n\n

3. We\u2019re changing how we respond to bad choices.<\/h2>\n\n\n

No matter how good of a job we do as parents, our children will eventually make some pretty bad choices. God is a perfect Father and His children messed up, so there’s no reason to think I’ll be able to parent better. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

But when an adult child does make bad choices, we can learn from how God responded:<\/p>\n\n\n