{"id":117083,"date":"2021-09-16T14:07:23","date_gmt":"2021-09-16T20:07:23","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/?p=117083"},"modified":"2021-09-16T14:07:23","modified_gmt":"2021-09-16T20:07:23","slug":"parenting-and-control-how-not-to-hold-on-too-tight","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/articles\/topics\/parenting\/ages-and-stages\/teens\/parenting-and-control-how-not-to-hold-on-too-tight\/","title":{"rendered":"Parenting and Control: How Not To Hold On Too Tight"},"content":{"rendered":"
<\/div>\n

I\u2019m teaching my oldest son to drive. Which is to say, my prayer life is thriving. I\u2019m sure there are gems squirreled away in the whole process about parenting and control. But mostly, I just reflexively press my right foot into the floorboards as if an imaginary brake will save us all.<\/p>\n\n\n

Our state requires 30 hours of online driving school and a year of 50 hours of permit-driving before my son holds a shiny, terrifying license in his hand. Meanwhile, I must expose him to as many real-life situations as I can (Rain! Interstates! Traffic jams! Slow-moving pedestrians!) before he commandeers the wheel, solo, of a killing machine traveling at 65 mph, complete with Spotify blasting \u201cHighway through the Danger Zone\u201d and a Big Mac dripping from his hand.<\/p>\n\n\n

(Kidding. Mostly.)<\/p>\n\n\n

At some point, I have to hand over the keys and not<\/em> be in the passenger seat\u2014unless I want to chauffeur his minivan when he\u2019s 40. In general, it is good my son learns.<\/p>\n\n\n

But the stakes, for him and that oncoming car with toddlers in the back, are high.<\/p>\n\n

Moving from control to influence<\/h2>\n\n

Toting pink, raisin-y bundles home from the hospital, I thought I\u2019d raise my kids till they were 18. No one told me control would diminish significantly starting around 13.<\/a><\/p>\n\n\n

And honestly? In adolescence, parenting should shift from control to influence.<\/p>\n\n\n

It\u2019s the reason I\u2019m taking a cue from what my parents did. In my son\u2019s senior year, he will likely have no curfews or other rules: a year under our roof, before college, test-driving life without our control. (We\u2019ll still be coaching him, stepping in if things go off-roading.)<\/p>\n\n\n

He\u2019s shifting from life in the car seat to life at the wheel.<\/p>\n\n\n

And I\u2019m realizing it\u2019s not just the destination\u2013my kids’ good choices\u2013that\u2019s important, but how they get there. <\/strong>(If that were the case, the car seat is by far easiest.) It\u2019s how they journey to that choice. The development of the character to make those choices for a lifetime.<\/p>\n\n\n

With the Pharisees, Jesus was all about the heart rather than appearances: \u201cYou clean the outside of the cup and the plate, but inside they are full of greed and self-indulgence. You blind Pharisee! First clean the inside of the cup and the plate, that the outside also may be clean\u201d (Matthew 23:25-26). Backing off crippling control means my kids\u2019 hearts have a chance to develop from the inside out \u2026 even if that path involves failure.<\/p>\n\n\n

The father of the prodigal in Luke 15<\/a> could\u2019ve skipped to the party at the end\u2014but this particular son needed to experience the hunger, the journey away and back.<\/p>\n\n

What keeps us holding on too long?<\/h2>\n\n

See, even if my older kids surrender to metaphorically keeping me at the wheel, outward compliance doesn\u2019t develop critical ownership, maturity, life skills, an ear to the Holy Spirit within them. They rely on me too long (picture a teen riding a bike with training wheels, or worse, being pulled in a wagon by their parent).<\/p>\n\n\n

So when it comes to parenting and control, what keeps us in the driver\u2019s seat longer than we should?<\/p>\n\n\n

Got parenting issues? We've got parenting answers.<\/i><\/span> <\/a> <\/div> <\/div><\/p>\n\n

1. Our pride.<\/h3>\n\n

What battles aren\u2019t really that big of a deal, or are even connected to how others see you? (Think: daughter pleading for indigo-blue hair.)<\/p>\n\n\n

Far more important than my kids being my mini-me are the words of Proverbs 23:26: \u201cMy son, give me your heart.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n

I could allow nonessentials to wedge themselves between my kids\u2019 hearts and mine \u2026 at which point I lose passport to exercise influence or simply convey love and connection<\/a> they can\u2019t get elsewhere.<\/p>\n\n\n

Lessening other forms of control could result in embarrassment. Yes, we want to train our kids to honor their parents! Yes, it\u2019s important to teach them adept social skills. But the sooner we can set aside image as what drives us, the easier it is to focus on what\u2019s happening in our kids\u2019 hearts and not work against the good God\u2019s creating there.<\/p>\n\n\n

For example, if you\u2019ve got a kid crawling back from a season away from God but you\u2019re constantly nitpicking about her language, you could miss an opportunity to walk alongside her, discussing her questions and pain. <\/p>\n\n

2. Our vision.<\/h3>\n\n

My son has sights set on the Marines. I, however, am peacekeeping and diplomatic to a fault. I can count on one hand the times I\u2019ve shot a gun (i.e., summer camp).<\/p>\n\n\n

But recently, I felt as if God asked me, What if I created your son as a warrior? (And not just metaphorically?) What if for My kingdom, I need exactly his strength, his independence, his love for justice and intellectual argument?<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n

God loved and rewarded the warrior King David, a man after God\u2019s heart\u2014God, who describes Himself as a warrior.<\/p>\n\n\n

At times, I have loved my own image for my son more than God\u2019s image for him.<\/p>\n\n\n

God may not share my vision or timing or pictured journey or occupation or personality for my child. But I can\u2019t write His vision off (created as part of the body of Christ) as less (see 1 Corinthians 12:17-19<\/a>).<\/p>\n\n\n

Let\u2019s not miss loving our kids as God created them. Let\u2019s help them dream bigger than our vision.<\/p>\n\n

3. Our fear.<\/h3>\n\n

My worst parenting and control emerge through fear\u2014rather than wisdom, patience, faith, and thoughtfully loving my kids. Don\u2019t mistake my overprotectiveness for appropriate nurture.<\/p>\n\n\n

In my own fear, I move from monitoring the grades, the texts, the screens \u2026 into my default. That\u2019s rule-making mode (i.e., \u201cThat was close! Move over. I\u2019m driving now!\u201d), rather than grappling with the heart: \u201cLet\u2019s talk about what happened, talk about the person you want to be, and make a plan we both buy into.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n

In what feels like good parenting, we might control outcomes or consequences to protect kids and us from failure. (Pro tip: Hold a horse too tightly, it bucks.) Sadly, we also protect kids from rich lessons of resilience. Problem-solving. Competence and confidence learned only from overcoming. Our own trust in them.<\/p>\n\n\n

And we forget: Only God can change our kids at the heart level (see 1 Corinthians 3:6<\/a>).<\/p>\n\n

4. Our desire for perfection.<\/h3>\n\n

One author at DesiringGod.com writes<\/a>, \u201cI know parents who require perfection from their children. Failure is not an option. Demanding heaven on earth from them, they make it hell instead, squeezing, scolding, and cajoling them into the very sense of failure they\u2019re desperate to help them avoid.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n

But homes revolving around Jesus realize He\u2019s the one who \u201creceives sinners and eats with them\u201d (Luke 15:2). In contrast to Pharisees who relied on status-upholding performance, superiority, and separation from the unholy masses\u2014we create an environment fertile for the gospel when we all come as we are, not as we wish we were.<\/p>\n\n\n

The culture of hustle, of be-better-do-better, stops here.<\/p>\n\n\n

Worse, when it comes to parenting and control, our \u201cobedient\u201d kids can develop people-pleasing that subverts God-pleasing (see Galatians 1:10<\/a>). They can leave unhealthy levels of control in our hands because it\u2019s easier.<\/p>\n\n\n

We shelter beneath unshakable trust not in perfection, but God\u2014beneath that spacious place to grow and change that is grace. (If it\u2019s hard to extend your kids\u2019 grace, is it time to look deeper about whether you know it intimately?)<\/a><\/p>\n\n\n

See, if my kids get the idea they must be x<\/em>\u2014even if x<\/em> is \u201cthat shiny, polite Christian kid\u201d\u2014I add to what\u2019s required for them to be accepted by God. I\u2019m saying Jesus isn\u2019t enough.<\/p>\n\n\n

My kids\u2019 security blooms from their unconditional acceptance in God, granting courage to move out on their own. And they can glimpse that through me.<\/p>\n\n

Parenting and control: When should I hold back?<\/h2>\n\n

I want to work with the Holy Spirit and His pace in my kids\u2019 lives, their particular point in their unique spiritual journeys. <\/strong>As my husband points out, if a kid is struggling with depression or addiction, you don\u2019t hassle them about wearing their jeans too low. <\/p>\n\n\n

Consider a personal trainer. Some people, when you push too hard, would rather sink back on the couch with the remote and a bag of chips. Others eat up your HIIT routine and ask for more.<\/p>\n\n\n

But as a personal trainer? Don\u2019t mix these people up.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n

I need to have heartfelt, listening conversations about what\u2019s going on inside them\u2014the struggles, fears, insecurities, losses, temptations\u2014rather than just laying down the law. I may need to push through the drama (hysterics, hormones, eye rolling, etc.) to listen to the need.<\/p>\n\n\n

I\u2019m all for healthy boundaries, of saying no, of managing our households well. But as kids grow to be adults, let\u2019s take the passenger seat a little more. And maybe even try to restrain grabbing the panic handle.<\/p>\n\n\n

Let\u2019s sit alongside, preparing them to drive in every kind of weather.<\/p>\n\n\n

\n\n\n

Copyright \u00a9 2021 Janel Breitenstein. All rights reserved.<\/p>\n\n\n

Janel Breitenstein is an author, freelance writer, speaker, and frequent contributor for FamilyLife, including Passport2Identity\u00ae, Art of Parenting\u00ae, and regular articles. After five and a half years in East Africa, her family of six has returned to Colorado, where they continue to work on behalf of the poor with Engineering Ministries International. Her book, Permanent Markers: Spiritual Life Skills to Write on Your Kids\u2019 Hearts <\/em>(Harvest House), releases October 2021. You can find her\u2014\u201cThe Awkward Mom\u201d\u2014having uncomfortable, important conversations at JanelBreitenstein.com, and on Instagram @janelbreit.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

When it comes to parenting and control\u2014could holding on too long, protecting too much, actually damage my teens? <\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":349,"featured_media":118207,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"none","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"When it comes to parenting and control \u2014 could holding on too long, protecting too much, actually damage my teens?","_seopress_robots_index":"","inline_featured_image":false,"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","episode_type":"","audio_file":"","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"","filesize":"","filesize_raw":"","date_recorded":"","explicit":"","block":"","footnotes":""},"categories":[2855],"tags":[],"equip-category":[],"cwp_profile":[2801],"class_list":["post-117083","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-teens","cwp_profile-janel-breitenstein"],"acf":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2021\/08\/Parenting-and-Control-How-Not-To-Hold-On-Too-Tight_1040x326.jpg","spectra_custom_meta":{"_edit_last":["89"],"_yoast_wpseo_focuskw":["parenting and control"],"_yoast_wpseo_metadesc":["When it comes to parenting and control \u2014 could holding on too long, protecting too much, actually damage my teens?"],"_yoast_wpseo_linkdex":["62"],"_yoast_wpseo_content_score":["90"],"_yoast_wpseo_focuskeywords":["[]"],"_yoast_wpseo_keywordsynonyms":["[\"\"]"],"show_recent_3_posts":["0"],"_show_recent_3_posts":["field_5e5fe8fd0a35f"],"show_recent_3_podcasts":["0"],"_show_recent_3_podcasts":["field_5e5fe84cb04cb"],"alt_author":["a:1:{i:0;s:5:\"14276\";}"],"_alt_author":["field_5ac3df572642e"],"override_header":["0"],"_override_header":["field_5d9f5b011a6e0"],"header_post_type":["elementor_library"],"_header_post_type":["field_5d9f5ba898919"],"tracking_scripts":[""],"_tracking_scripts":["field_5db1a558c0a94"],"make_background_white":["0"],"_make_background_white":["field_5db1f6f6896fd"],"disable_top_header":["0"],"_disable_top_header":["field_5db74a47df831"],"override_footer_widgets":["0"],"_override_footer_widgets":["field_5e134c9512191"],"footer_widgets_post_type":["elementor_library"],"_footer_widgets_post_type":["field_5e0ef0bb482f3"],"header_sticky_on_mobile":["0"],"_header_sticky_on_mobile":["field_5e18a11219bac"],"show_locations_button_in_header":["0"],"_show_locations_button_in_header":["field_5e1cb1cabaad1"],"hide_social_media_buttons":["0"],"_hide_social_media_buttons":["field_5e1e3036c5657"],"signup_redirect":[""],"_signup_redirect":["field_5e74d18689717"],"_yoast_wpseo_primary_category":["122"],"_yoast_wpseo_estimated-reading-time-minutes":["8"],"_wp_old_date":["2021-08-26"],"_thumbnail_id":["118207"],"selected_related_posts":["a:3:{i:0;s:5:\"92761\";i:1;s:6:\"117097\";i:2;s:6:\"107746\";}"],"_selected_related_posts":["field_5e5fe92b0a360"],"selected_related_podcast":["a:3:{i:0;s:6:\"102964\";i:1;s:6:\"101275\";i:2;s:5:\"70027\";}"],"_selected_related_podcast":["field_5e5fe887b04cc"],"_elementor_edit_mode":["builder"],"_elementor_template_type":["wp-post"],"_elementor_version":["3.4.8"],"_elementor_pro_version":["3.4.1"],"_wp_page_template":["default"],"_elementor_page_settings":["a:1:{s:4:\"text\";s:5:\"Title\";}"],"_elementor_data":["[{\"id\":\"24f4674a\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":{\"premium_parallax_layers_list\":[],\"premium_gradient_colors_repeater\":[],\"premium_kenburns_repeater\":[],\"premium_lottie_repeater\":[],\"display_condition_list\":[{\"display_condition_login_status\":\"subscriber\",\"_id\":\"ff7dea1\"}]},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"1a19d0d7\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"display_condition_list\":[{\"display_condition_login_status\":\"subscriber\",\"_id\":\"ea9e226\"}],\"premium_parallax_layers_list\":[],\"premium_gradient_colors_repeater\":[],\"premium_kenburns_repeater\":[]},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"779f8ff1\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"\\n

I\\u2019m teaching my oldest son to drive. Which is to say, my prayer life is thriving. I\\u2019m sure there are gems squirreled away in the whole process about parenting and control. But mostly, I just reflexively press my right foot into the floorboards as if an imaginary brake will save us all.<\\\/p>\\n\\n\\n\\n

Our state requires 30 hours of online driving school and a year of 50 hours of permit-driving before my son holds a shiny, terrifying license in his hand. Meanwhile, I must expose him to as many real-life situations as I can (Rain! Interstates! Traffic jams! Slow-moving pedestrians!) before he commandeers the wheel, solo, of a killing machine traveling at 65 mph, complete with Spotify blasting \\u201cHighway through the Danger Zone\\u201d and a Big Mac dripping from his hand.<\\\/p>\\n\\n\\n\\n

(Kidding. Mostly.)<\\\/p>\\n\\n\\n\\n

At some point, I have to hand over the keys and not<\\\/em> be in the passenger seat\\u2014unless I want to chauffeur his minivan when he\\u2019s 40. In general, it is good my son learns.<\\\/p>\\n\\n\\n\\n

But the stakes, for him and that oncoming car with toddlers in the back, are high.<\\\/p>\\n\\n\\n

Moving from control to influence<\\\/h2>\\n\\n\\n

Toting pink, raisin-y bundles home from the hospital, I thought I\\u2019d raise my kids till they were 18. No one told me control would diminish significantly starting around 13.<\\\/a><\\\/p>\\n\\n\\n\\n

And honestly? In adolescence, parenting should shift from control to influence.<\\\/p>\\n\\n\\n\\n

It\\u2019s the reason I\\u2019m taking a cue from what my parents did. In my son\\u2019s senior year, he will likely have no curfews or other rules: a year under our roof, before college, test-driving life without our control. (We\\u2019ll still be coaching him, stepping in if things go off-roading.)<\\\/p>\\n\\n\\n\\n

He\\u2019s shifting from life in the car seat to life at the wheel.<\\\/p>\\n\\n\\n\\n

And I\\u2019m realizing it\\u2019s not just the destination\\u2013my kids' good choices\\u2013that\\u2019s important, but how they get there. <\\\/strong>(If that were the case, the car seat is by far easiest.) It\\u2019s how they journey to that choice. The development of the character to make those choices for a lifetime.<\\\/p>\\n\\n\\n\\n

With the Pharisees, Jesus was all about the heart rather than appearances: \\u201cYou clean the outside of the cup and the plate, but inside they are full of greed and self-indulgence. You blind Pharisee! First clean the inside of the cup and the plate, that the outside also may be clean\\u201d (Matthew 23:25-26). Backing off crippling control means my kids\\u2019 hearts have a chance to develop from the inside out \\u2026 even if that path involves failure.<\\\/p>\\n\\n\\n\\n

The father of the prodigal in Luke 15<\\\/a> could\\u2019ve skipped to the party at the end\\u2014but this particular son needed to experience the hunger, the journey away and back.<\\\/p>\\n\\n\\n

What keeps us holding on too long?<\\\/h2>\\n\\n\\n

See, even if my older kids surrender to metaphorically keeping me at the wheel, outward compliance doesn\\u2019t develop critical ownership, maturity, life skills, an ear to the Holy Spirit within them. They rely on me too long (picture a teen riding a bike with training wheels, or worse, being pulled in a wagon by their parent).<\\\/p>\\n\\n\\n\\n

So when it comes to parenting and control, what keeps us in the driver\\u2019s seat longer than we should?<\\\/p>\\n\\n\\n\\n

[fl-article-cta id=\\\"57\\\"]<\\\/p>\\n\\n\\n

1. Our pride.<\\\/h3>\\n\\n\\n

What battles aren\\u2019t really that big of a deal, or are even connected to how others see you? (Think: daughter pleading for indigo-blue hair.)<\\\/p>\\n\\n\\n\\n

Far more important than my kids being my mini-me are the words of Proverbs 23:26: \\u201cMy son, give me your heart.\\u201d<\\\/p>\\n\\n\\n\\n

I could allow nonessentials to wedge themselves between my kids\\u2019 hearts and mine \\u2026 at which point I lose passport to exercise influence or simply convey love and connection<\\\/a> they can\\u2019t get elsewhere.<\\\/p>\\n\\n\\n\\n

Lessening other forms of control could result in embarrassment. Yes, we want to train our kids to honor their parents! Yes, it\\u2019s important to teach them adept social skills. But the sooner we can set aside image as what drives us, the easier it is to focus on what\\u2019s happening in our kids\\u2019 hearts and not work against the good God\\u2019s creating there.<\\\/p>\\n\\n\\n\\n

For example, if you\\u2019ve got a kid crawling back from a season away from God but you\\u2019re constantly nitpicking about her language, you could miss an opportunity to walk alongside her, discussing her questions and pain. <\\\/p>\\n\\n\\n

2. Our vision.<\\\/h3>\\n\\n\\n

My son has sights set on the Marines. I, however, am peacekeeping and diplomatic to a fault. I can count on one hand the times I\\u2019ve shot a gun (i.e., summer camp).<\\\/p>\\n\\n\\n\\n

But recently, I felt as if God asked me, What if I created your son as a warrior? (And not just metaphorically?) What if for My kingdom, I need exactly his strength, his independence, his love for justice and intellectual argument?<\\\/em><\\\/p>\\n\\n\\n\\n

God loved and rewarded the warrior King David, a man after God\\u2019s heart\\u2014God, who describes Himself as a warrior.<\\\/p>\\n\\n\\n\\n

At times, I have loved my own image for my son more than God\\u2019s image for him.<\\\/p>\\n\\n\\n\\n

God may not share my vision or timing or pictured journey or occupation or personality for my child. But I can\\u2019t write His vision off (created as part of the body of Christ) as less (see 1 Corinthians 12:17-19<\\\/a>).<\\\/p>\\n\\n\\n\\n

Let\\u2019s not miss loving our kids as God created them. Let\\u2019s help them dream bigger than our vision.<\\\/p>\\n\\n\\n

3. Our fear.<\\\/h3>\\n\\n\\n

My worst parenting and control emerge through fear\\u2014rather than wisdom, patience, faith, and thoughtfully loving my kids. Don\\u2019t mistake my overprotectiveness for appropriate nurture.<\\\/p>\\n\\n\\n\\n

In my own fear, I move from monitoring the grades, the texts, the screens \\u2026 into my default. That\\u2019s rule-making mode (i.e., \\u201cThat was close! Move over. I\\u2019m driving now!\\u201d), rather than grappling with the heart: \\u201cLet\\u2019s talk about what happened, talk about the person you want to be, and make a plan we both buy into.\\u201d<\\\/p>\\n\\n\\n\\n

In what feels like good parenting, we might control outcomes or consequences to protect kids and us from failure. (Pro tip: Hold a horse too tightly, it bucks.) Sadly, we also protect kids from rich lessons of resilience. Problem-solving. Competence and confidence learned only from overcoming. Our own trust in them.<\\\/p>\\n\\n\\n\\n

And we forget: Only God can change our kids at the heart level (see 1 Corinthians 3:6<\\\/a>).<\\\/p>\\n\\n\\n

4. Our desire for perfection.<\\\/h3>\\n\\n\\n

One author at DesiringGod.com writes<\\\/a>, \\u201cI know parents who require perfection from their children. Failure is not an option. Demanding heaven on earth from them, they make it hell instead, squeezing, scolding, and cajoling them into the very sense of failure they\\u2019re desperate to help them avoid.\\u201d<\\\/p>\\n\\n\\n\\n

But homes revolving around Jesus realize He\\u2019s the one who \\u201creceives sinners and eats with them\\u201d (Luke 15:2). In contrast to Pharisees who relied on status-upholding performance, superiority, and separation from the unholy masses\\u2014we create an environment fertile for the gospel when we all come as we are, not as we wish we were.<\\\/p>\\n\\n\\n\\n

The culture of hustle, of be-better-do-better, stops here.<\\\/p>\\n\\n\\n\\n

Worse, when it comes to parenting and control, our \\u201cobedient\\u201d kids can develop people-pleasing that subverts God-pleasing (see Galatians 1:10<\\\/a>). They can leave unhealthy levels of control in our hands because it\\u2019s easier.<\\\/p>\\n\\n\\n\\n

We shelter beneath unshakable trust not in perfection, but God\\u2014beneath that spacious place to grow and change that is grace. (If it\\u2019s hard to extend your kids\\u2019 grace, is it time to look deeper about whether you know it intimately?)<\\\/a><\\\/p>\\n\\n\\n\\n

See, if my kids get the idea they must be x<\\\/em>\\u2014even if x<\\\/em> is \\u201cthat shiny, polite Christian kid\\u201d\\u2014I add to what\\u2019s required for them to be accepted by God. I\\u2019m saying Jesus isn\\u2019t enough.<\\\/p>\\n\\n\\n\\n

My kids\\u2019 security blooms from their unconditional acceptance in God, granting courage to move out on their own. And they can glimpse that through me.<\\\/p>\\n\\n\\n

Parenting and control: When should I hold back?<\\\/h2>\\n\\n\\n

I want to work with the Holy Spirit and His pace in my kids\\u2019 lives, their particular point in their unique spiritual journeys. <\\\/strong>As my husband points out, if a kid is struggling with depression or addiction, you don\\u2019t hassle them about wearing their jeans too low. <\\\/p>\\n\\n\\n\\n

Consider a personal trainer. Some people, when you push too hard, would rather sink back on the couch with the remote and a bag of chips. Others eat up your HIIT routine and ask for more.<\\\/p>\\n\\n\\n\\n

But as a personal trainer? Don\\u2019t mix these people up.<\\\/em><\\\/p>\\n\\n\\n\\n

I need to have heartfelt, listening conversations about what\\u2019s going on inside them\\u2014the struggles, fears, insecurities, losses, temptations\\u2014rather than just laying down the law. I may need to push through the drama (hysterics, hormones, eye rolling, etc.) to listen to the need.<\\\/p>\\n\\n\\n\\n

I\\u2019m all for healthy boundaries, of saying no, of managing our households well. But as kids grow to be adults, let\\u2019s take the passenger seat a little more. And maybe even try to restrain grabbing the panic handle.<\\\/p>\\n\\n\\n\\n

Let\\u2019s sit alongside, preparing them to drive in every kind of weather.<\\\/p>\\n\\n\\n\\n

\\n\\n\\n\\n

Copyright \\u00a9 2021 Janel Breitenstein. All rights reserved.<\\\/p>\\n\\n\\n\\n

Janel Breitenstein is an author, freelance writer, speaker, and frequent contributor for FamilyLife, including Passport2Identity\\u00ae, Art of Parenting\\u00ae, and regular articles. After five and a half years in East Africa, her family of six has returned to Colorado, where they continue to work on behalf of the poor with Engineering Ministries International. Her book, Permanent Markers: Spiritual Life Skills to Write on Your Kids\\u2019 Hearts <\\\/em>(Harvest House), releases October 2021. You can find her\\u2014\\u201cThe Awkward Mom\\u201d\\u2014having uncomfortable, important conversations at JanelBreitenstein.com, and on Instagram 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