{"id":113216,"date":"2021-06-25T08:50:00","date_gmt":"2021-06-25T14:50:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/?p=113216"},"modified":"2021-06-25T08:50:00","modified_gmt":"2021-06-25T14:50:00","slug":"welcome-to-the-club-of-dysfunctional-parents","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/articles\/topics\/parenting\/parenting-challenges\/welcome-to-the-club-of-dysfunctional-parents\/","title":{"rendered":"Welcome to the Club (of Dysfunctional Parents)"},"content":{"rendered":"
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Growing up, I always figured I\u2019d be an amazing Dad. So when a Christian mentor in college told me, \u201cYou\u2019re going to screw up your kids\u2014the hope is to not screw them up too much,\u201d I filed that tidbit away under Things Bad Parents Say.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019ll never screw up my<\/em> kids,\u201d I told myself haughtily.<\/p>\n

Arrogance endured right up until my daughter dropped into my sweaty hands, and I quickly found myself drowning in failure<\/a>.<\/p>\n

Now, I get my mentor\u2019s point: Every parent brings dysfunction to the table. Romans 3:23 creates the world\u2019s least exclusive club: \u201c\u2026for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.\u201d There\u2019s no version which adds, \u201c…except for Andy. Keep up the good work, Bro!\u201d<\/p>\n

Paul himself (author of Romans) laments our predicament later in his letter: \u201cAlthough I want to do good, evil is right there with me \u2026 What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me\u2026?\u201d (verses 21-24, NIV<\/a>). Paul, a bachelor \u2018til the rapture, gets<\/em> parenthood. We don\u2019t wake up planning to mistreat our kids\u2014to take out frustration on them or ignore them in favor of a screen. Yet our dysfunction inevitably bubbles up like the awkward burp of the office water cooler.<\/p>\n

A case of the \u201cI-wants\u201d<\/h2>\n

I\u2019ve found two foundational problems in the way I parent our kids: I see them as barriers to<\/em>, or benefactors of<\/em>, my desires.<\/p>\n

Ellie, my 2-year-old, usually starts the day by telling me all the things she wants. \u201cSounds like you have a case of the I-wants,\u201d I scold her. But I wake up with I-wants too. I just don\u2019t say them out loud. My list starts with “one more hour of sleep\u201d and goes on from there. Some nights, I can’t wait for my kids to go to bed so I can get some time with Netflix. In my mind, the fun only starts once they\u2019re down and I press play. And once they\u2019re in bed, I pray earnestly they\u2019ll stay there as long as possible, because I\u2019m a sleep hoarder.<\/p>\n

On the other side of the seesaw, I expect my child to satisfy my needs. When my 14-month-old, Bodie, wriggles out of my arms to get to his grandpa, a spark of jealousy ignites. \u201cBodie, you\u2019re supposed to like me the best!\u201d
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Captivate your kids with God\u2019s Word.<\/i><\/span> <\/a> <\/div> <\/div><\/p>\n

God help me, I’m trying to find my security in my toddler\u2019s hands. And they\u2019re covered in jelly.<\/p>\n

Both problems have the same root issue: I\u2019m installing my kids on God\u2019s throne, expecting them to do what only He can. Replacing God with something else is a great way to define \u201csin.\u201d Usually, for me, it leads to one of two dysfunctional reactions.<\/p>\n

Fight or flight<\/h2>\n

My dysfunction manifests in anger or escape<\/a>. The kids run wild at church, so I lash out angrily to exert control. It only adds to the chaos. I become the one making a scene as I yell Ellie\u2019s name louder and louder like a live reading of Will Ferrell\u2019s \u201cGet off the shed!\u201d<\/p>\n

Other times, overwhelmed by the constant energy drain of keeping our kids alive, I scroll through social media, present but completely disengaged. The other day, I pulled out my phone while pushing Ellie on the swing to hear her say, \u201cDaddy, can you put your phone in your pocket?\u201d She could see the problem better than I could\u2014I\u2019d given my attention away.<\/p>\n

Putting God in His place<\/h2>\n

My dysfunction begins when I put my children in place of God. He’s the One who provides me with happiness and fills my life with good things. I mean, He gave me my kids!<\/p>\n

When I look to God for what I need during the day, I become the one who gives good things to my children, not the other way around. And when I\u2019m angry, stressed, or overwhelmed, He is the one who can solve my problems. He’s way better at it than I am\u2014I just end up making things worse.<\/p>\n

It’s helpful for me to realize this at the beginning of the day. I usually wake up at least a minute or two before my child\u2019s first cry of \u201cOuuuut!\u201d So I\u2019ve been trying to take a moment to ask Jesus to help me, to commit the day to Him. It takes less than a minute, but connecting with God before I connect with my kids has been incredibly helpful.<\/p>\n

Rinse and repeat<\/h2>\n

Once at a triple-A baseball game, I saw a \u201cquick change\u201d act. A man and a woman trotted out onto the field and proceeded to transform from clowns to cowboys to gymnasts in the blink of an eye.<\/p>\n

Spiritually speaking, I\u2019m an amazing quick-change artist. In the blink of an eye, I can transform from satisfied in Jesus to enraged at a messy kitchen. Blessedly, changing back is nearly as easy\u2014apologizing to the Lord, accepting His mercy, and inviting Him to satisfy me again. The hardest part is realizing that I\u2019m being dysfunctional. Often, it\u2019s my wife who helps me see I\u2019m reacting with more intensity than usual (slamming a door, raising my voice) or that I\u2019ve disengaged\u2014(scrolling through my phone unconsciously).<\/p>\n

Sometimes I can course-correct quickly, but it\u2019s okay to take a moment with Jesus. Heck, if we can go to the bathroom while handling toddlers, we can connect with God. Popping kids in the crib with books for five minutes so you can reorient with the Spirit won\u2019t hurt them. Though that can often feel like a failure. When my wife graciously tells me to take a break, I’m more likely to dig in my heels than acknowledge I\u2019m in a bad place. Acknowledging my failure, though, is the first step to growth.<\/p>\n

Here\u2019s a recap:<\/p>\n