{"id":110430,"date":"2021-05-06T10:17:00","date_gmt":"2021-05-06T16:17:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/?p=110430"},"modified":"2021-05-06T10:17:00","modified_gmt":"2021-05-06T16:17:00","slug":"marital-roles-3-things-to-know","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/articles\/topics\/marriage\/staying-married\/marital-roles-3-things-to-know\/","title":{"rendered":"Marital Roles: 3 Things To Know"},"content":{"rendered":"
<\/div>

As a young wife and a new Christian, I had a completely warped idea of what \u201cmarital roles\u201d meant. I couldn\u2019t shake the thought of some 1950s homemaker as the \u201cideal Christian wife.\u201d Mop the floors, make the beds, put the casserole in the oven promptly at five. Bonus points if I did it in heels, right?<\/p>\n

Wrong.<\/p>\n

For starters, other than while on maternity leave or finishing my degree, I\u2019ve always worked. I only mop on a semi-regular basis (don\u2019t judge me). And most importantly, I wear Converse far<\/em> more than stilettos.<\/p>\n

My biggest misconception? I assumed our marital roles of husband and wife had more to do with who cooks dinner or takes out the trash than how we each serve our marriage and home.<\/p>\n

And all these misconceptions did was create the breeding ground for resentment toward my husband\u2014and toward a God I didn\u2019t think saw me for who I was.<\/p>\n

Three things to know about marital roles<\/h2>\n

I\u2019m not the only one who\u2019s suffered from a marital-role identity crisis. Two of FamilyLife\u2019s most read and searched for articles are centered around what defines a husband\u2019s<\/a> and wife\u2019s<\/a> role in marriage (I encourage you to read both). And rightfully so. It\u2019s a common struggle and hot-button issue in this world. Especially right now, after more than a year of everyone working, schooling, and DIY-ing from home dropped an excess of new daily tasks on the kitchen table (check out these stats on the perceived burden<\/a>).<\/p>\n

But within those marital definitions God provides, there are personalities, giftings, history, quirks, and weaknesses shaping how those roles look within the four walls of your<\/em> home\u2014a unique marital DNA.<\/p>\n

If you\u2019re like I was, struggling to balance just who God made you to be alongside the ways He would have you serve your spouse, read these three things to know about marital roles.<\/p>\n

1. Know how God defines a husband and wife.<\/h3>\n

Wives, God called us \u201chelper\u201d to our husbands (Genesis 2:18<\/a>), to respect\u2014esteem and honor<\/a>\u2014 our men and to submit (calm down, ladies) to their leadership (Ephesians 5:22-24<\/a>). Husbands, you\u2019re called to sacrificially love, lead (do not hear \u201cboss\u201d\/dominate), and cherish your wives<\/a>\u2014the same way Christ does for us (See 1 Corinthians 11:3 and Ephesians 5:25-30). And that\u2019s just the tip of the iceberg, friends. Because all those beautiful Scriptures about how to treat one another as humans? They\u2019re meant for marriage, too.<\/p>\n

Looking back on those early years, I see how I inadvertently added my own commentary to a lot of things.<\/p>\n

Scripture:<\/strong> \u201cThen the Lord God said, \u201cIt is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him\u201d (Genesis 2:18).<\/p>\n

Lisa\u2019s Commentary, First Edition<\/em>: Helper<\/strong>, noun<\/em>\u20141. a woman who can anticipate her husband\u2019s every need and provide it before he even knows it. 2. An over-zealous wife who often hinders her husband\u2019s growth by \u201chelping.\u201d See also: Savior complex<\/em>.<\/p>\n

Maybe your own faux-commentary states the \u201chelper\u201d doesn\u2019t pursue her own God-given dreams or does the bulk of the household chores. Or maybe it says the leader makes all the important decisions. But nowhere does God\u2019s Word say this.<\/p>\n

Both men and women were created equally loved and valued by God. Please do not let anyone convince you otherwise. These marital roles were <\/em>designed to complement<\/em><\/a>, not control. <\/em><\/p>\n

Yet \u2026 some people do manipulate these roles to their own ends. If you are in an abusive relationship (whether physical, verbal, mental, or spiritual) know that God does not condone behavior that destroys a family or a person. (Wondering if this is you? Read more<\/a>.)<\/p>\n

2. Know your individual giftings and how those help fulfill your marital roles.<\/h3>\n

My husband and I could not be more different. He\u2019s the extrovert, I\u2019m the introvert. I curl up with a good book at the end of the day, while he prefers a movie where everyone gets blown up. He likes ketchup, I like mustard.<\/p>\n

And that\u2019s just surface stuff, y\u2019all. My husband is also the official negotiator of our home. When we\u2019re getting a raw deal by the insurance company or my introverted-ness has reached its limits, he steps in and handles situations like a pro. He both protects and cares for me and I feel loved and led. His natural gifting in this area serves me well.<\/p>\n

I, on the other hand, am a peacemaker (where my Enneagram Nines at?!). When done in a non-pushy way, I help my husband bring peace into his relationships with his kids, family, and workplace by helping him see all sides to a situation.<\/p>\n

Whether you\u2019re gifted with mad negotiation tactics, being a natural encourager, or even ninja organizational skills, God created those in You to do His good work (Ephesians 2:10). Use them to serve your spouse and home.<\/p>\n

What if your gifting is, say, as a woman in leadership? Proverbs 31<\/a> is all about a strong Christian woman who\u2019s killing it, buying fields and owning a business (verses 16-18). But she uses those gifts to empower her husband to lead, too (verse 23)\u2014toward his marital role.<\/p>\n

365 devotions for your marriage on the days you feel like it (and ones you don\u2019t). <\/i><\/span> <\/a> <\/div> <\/div>\n

3. Know the healthy balance in your home.<\/h3>\n

Nowhere in the Bible does it say the wife vacuums regularly while the husband takes out the trash. Yet it seems when people often discuss marital roles, dishes and toilet scrubbing are divisive issues. But your roles were meant to serve each other and God through these relationships. Not arguing over who last cleaned the litter box (Read \u201cWho Does the Chores?\u201d).<\/a><\/p>\n

My husband bathes the dog because I hate it. I wash the laundry because I\u2019m nitpicky about it. He covers all landscaping and gardening because I kill plants. But that\u2019s what works for us in this particular season.<\/p>\n

But if one of us feels slighted and doesn\u2019t mention it? That opens the door to bitterness and resentment<\/a>. And those have no place here.<\/p>\n

I\u2019m not saying to turn it into some math equation, tally board, or shoot for a 50\/50 marriage (in fact, do none of this\u2014marriage is not a competition). But mutual serving so our spouses can feel loved, cherished, and valued? That\u2019s a trophy in itself.<\/p>\n

So talk about what a healthy balance looks like in your home. Who has the time and skills to cook? What chore does your spouse despise that you can cover? And if you have kids, make sure they are chipping in, too.<\/p>\n

Marital roles are all about loving and serving well<\/h2>\n

The new-wife days are behind me now. I still try to overhelp my husband far too often, so maybe I\u2019m still learning there. And I sometimes still feel a little tension in my shoulders when I read the word \u201csubmission.\u201d<\/a> I\u2019m a rather independent girl. But God\u2019s working through that in me, too.<\/p>\n

But I have learned this \u2026 if you really want to best serve your spouse and fulfill your marital roles, consider John 15:5-9: \u201cI am the vine; you are the branches. Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing \u2026 By this my Father is glorified, that you bear much fruit and so prove to be my disciples. As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Abide in my love.\u201d<\/p>\n

I can\u2019t do any of this on my own. Not the helping, certainly not the loving. I recently heard a quote that hit me straight in the heart. I wrote it on a sticky note and posted it on the fridge: \u201cDon\u2019t focus on the loving. Focus on the Source of Love.\u201d When I make sure to abide in Christ, the loving will flow out from that relationship into my marriage and role I\u2019m serving in.<\/p>\n

\u201cGiving thanks always and for everything to God the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ<\/strong>\u201d (Ephesians 5:20-21).<\/p>\n

\n

Copyright \u00a9 2021 by FamilyLife. All rights reserved.<\/em><\/p>\n

Lisa Lakey is the managing editor of digital content for FamilyLife. Before joining the ministry in 2017, she was a freelance writer covering parenting and Southern culture. She and her husband, Josh, have been married since 2004. Lisa and Josh live in Benton, Arkansas, with their two children, Ella and Max.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

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