{"id":108115,"date":"2021-03-26T11:16:00","date_gmt":"2021-03-26T17:16:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/?p=108115"},"modified":"2021-03-26T11:16:00","modified_gmt":"2021-03-26T17:16:00","slug":"resurrecting-your-marriage-after-a-wilderness-season","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/articles\/topics\/blended-family\/remarriage\/staying-married-remarriage\/resurrecting-your-marriage-after-a-wilderness-season\/","title":{"rendered":"Resurrecting Your Marriage after a Wilderness Season"},"content":{"rendered":"
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I\u2019ll never forget the phone call that changed our family forever. \u201cShe just passed away,\u201d my husband said. \u201cThe kids were with her.\u201d<\/p>\n

My stepchildren\u2019s mother had been battling cancer for more than a year. Randy and I didn\u2019t know how sick she was until the end. My mind wandered to my 14-year-old stepson and 19-year-old stepdaughter. How unfair for them to now face life without their beloved mom.<\/p>\n

Where would the kids reside now? <\/em>I thought. Would we bring them across state lines to live with us? How would they cope with such a significant loss during their teenage years? Why, God? Why didn\u2019t you answer our prayers and heal her?<\/em><\/p>\n

After nine years of marriage, our stepfamily relationships were in a better place. We survived the early integration years with five kids in a \u201chis, hers, and ours\u201d family. Relationships were finally coming together, and I was looking forward to the years ahead. What I didn\u2019t know then was the wilderness season our marriage would endure after that devastating loss.<\/p>\n

Emotions ran high, and we didn\u2019t easily agree on answers to our struggles. I had just finished an internship in grief counseling and thought I knew best what the kids needed. But Randy was quick to remind me they were his<\/em> kids.<\/p>\n

The needs of our marriage quickly sidelined as we agonized over how to navigate the road ahead. Our focus pivoted to helping the kids cope with their grief, understanding what they really needed, and keeping our family intact against a harsh backdrop. Orchestrating everyday demands of five kids with changing dynamics and a high emotional climate overshadowed the needs of our marriage, creating a wilderness with long stretches of lonely roads for me and Randy.<\/p>\n

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Your own wilderness season<\/h2>\n

I wish I could say we easily moved out of that season as the kids got older and dynamics shifted. But the truth is, Randy and I formed patterns that focused more on the kids and less on us.<\/p>\n

When we realized our marriage needed attention, it wasn\u2019t a quick fix. Coming out of that wilderness season involved intentional behavior as we asked God for His power and grace to get back on track and resurrect a marriage that would heal lingering wounds.<\/p>\n

Your stepfamily wilderness may look different than ours. Maybe it involves a prodigal child, a broken marital vow, a stepchild who doesn\u2019t want to be part of the family, or loneliness as a stepparent. More than one hard season will likely show up<\/a> as your stepfamily extends into several decades. Regardless of your circumstances, you don\u2019t have to stay stuck wandering in the wilderness. Here are some reminders for finding your way out.<\/p>\n

Victim or victorious? The choice is yours<\/h2>\n

My stepmom friend Alyssa had tears in her eyes as she described feeling unloved, mistreated, and isolated after a decade of trying to engage with her stepchildren. She had little support from her husband and had assumed the role of a victim. Instead of speaking up for her needs, she had given up.<\/p>\n

\u201cWho are you outside your home?\u201d I asked her. She easily replied with her work title, secure in her identity as a professional. She also spoke of her identity as a believer, secure in her faith. But those identities didn\u2019t transfer to her home life.<\/p>\n

I described the story of the invalid in John 5:1-9<\/a> who had lain by the pool of Bethesda for 38 years. Instead of finding help to get into the pool, where it\u2019s believed an angel stirred the water to provide healing, the lame man blamed others for his position. After Jesus asked him, \u201cDo you want to be healed?\u201d we hear the words of a victim. \u201cSir, I have no one to put me into the pool when the water is stirred up, and while I am going another steps down before me.\u201d<\/p>\n

Jesus said to the man, \u201cGet up, take up your bed, and walk.\u201d In other words, take responsibility for your choices. Quit wallowing in self-pity. Be a victor. With Jesus\u2019 words, the man was healed.<\/p>\n

When life feels unfair in the wilderness, it\u2019s easy to become a victim\u2014like the invalid at Bethesda and my friend, Alyssa. We blame others and don\u2019t take responsibility for our behavior. We wallow in our circumstances. I\u2019ve been at that place myself.<\/p>\n

We can\u2019t get stuck there, though. With God\u2019s help, we can assume the identity of a victor. One who believes: I\u2019m responsible for my happiness. I reap what I sow (Galatians 6:7<\/a>). I can take the next right step to overcome hard circumstances<\/a>.<\/p>\n

God pursues our sanctification<\/h2>\n

In marriage, we each play a role contributing to the wilderness season. Identifying that role takes humility and self-awareness. But it\u2019s critical to the sanctification process and a move toward reconciliation.<\/p>\n

I\u2019m reminded of Jacob pursuing a wife in Genesis 29<\/a>. Jacob left Bethel and traveled about 500 miles in faith to find a woman to marry. Jacob stopped at a well, where he met Rachel and immediately fell in love. Her father takes Jacob into his home and offers him work. Laban appears to be a kind, generous man, but we soon see his shrewd, manipulative side.<\/p>\n

As Laban begins to sense Jacob\u2019s love for his daughter, he takes advantage. Jacob agrees to work for Laban for seven years without wages in return to marry Rachel. But when the seven years are up, Laban tricks Jacob into marrying his older daughter, Leah. In order to marry Rachel, Jacob has to work another seven years without pay.<\/p>\n

The point of this story is God\u2019s sanctification of Jacob. Perhaps you recall Jacob\u2019s deceit in stealing his brother Esau\u2019s birthright. God had big plans for Jacob, but he needed some character development first. Sometimes God allows us to suffer now for our good later.<\/p>\n

God has big plans for you, but He wants your heart surrendered to Him first. He\u2019s committed to our spiritual growth and allows hardship at times to move us closer to Him.<\/p>\n

What\u2019s at the root of your wilderness struggles? A critical spirit? Lack of self-control? An impatient heart when God seeks long-suffering?<\/p>\n

In our wilderness season, my stubborn character and prideful spirit showed up often. I was quick to point out the speck in my husband\u2019s eye but failed to see the log in my own (Matthew 7:3<\/a>). We couldn\u2019t move out of that wilderness season until I surrendered my pride and asked for God\u2019s help to change my ways.<\/p>\n

Most things worth having require risk<\/h2>\n

Wilderness seasons create fear and uncertainty. There\u2019s risk to keep trying at marriage when you want to quit. There\u2019s no guarantee the relationship you\u2019re pining for with your stepchild will ever come to pass. A previous divorce can allow doubt and discouragement to creep in and question your ability to sustain a long-term relationship.<\/p>\n

We can\u2019t stay cocooned in a cozy, safe environment and find fulfillment in life. Most things worth having require risk.<\/p>\n

The new job my husband took carries risk. A family member trying to get pregnant carries risk. When Randy and I sought counseling during our wilderness season, there was risk as we exposed messy patterns and sinful behavior. But there are also rewards to risk-taking behavior. That counseling saved our marriage.<\/p>\n

We watch Peter take a risk as he steps out of the boat and tries to walk on water (Matthew 14:30-31<\/a>). He doesn\u2019t get it exactly right. He takes His eyes off Jesus and fear takes over. \u201cLord, save me!\u201d he yells as he begins to sink. Jesus immediately stretches out His hand to catch him.<\/p>\n

Ask God for courage. You\u2019re not alone as you seek to move toward righteousness and improve relationships in your home. God will walk with you and reward your efforts. But you have to make a move.<\/p>\n

Your first step out of the wilderness is the most important. Perhaps that step is to:<\/p>\n