{"id":107790,"date":"2023-05-09T02:45:00","date_gmt":"2023-05-09T07:45:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/?p=107790"},"modified":"2025-02-12T14:48:39","modified_gmt":"2025-02-12T19:48:39","slug":"a-ministry-marriage-perks-to-love-dangers-to-fight","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/articles\/topics\/marriage\/marriage-challenges\/a-ministry-marriage-perks-to-love-dangers-to-fight\/","title":{"rendered":"A Ministry Marriage: Perks to Love, Dangers to Fight"},"content":{"rendered":"
<\/div>\n

Ministry marriage: It\u2019s \u2026 complicated.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

We both share this eternal passion!<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

He comes home exhausted from caring so well for people. I wish he still had room to care for me. Sometimes I wonder who the real \u201cwife\u201d is\u2014me or ministry.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

No sex in weeks\u2014#ministryexhaustion.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Our marriage feels so purposeful and reminds me of all I admire about my wife. Wouldn\u2019t have it any other way. <\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Packing up and moving our life again. Does God care about me\u2014or just what I do for Him? <\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Ministry marriage perks are real. And so are the risks when we don\u2019t labor against them.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

That Proverbs 31 woman whose husband \u201csits among the elders of the land\u201d (verse 23<\/a>)? She may eat alone again tonight. Or maybe she\u2019s hosting Bible study with him in the living room, but he couldn\u2019t feel farther away.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Since dating over two decades ago, my husband and I have never not<\/em> been in ministry. It\u2019s assumed various avatars and levels of formality.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Most of it? I love. I love my ministry marriage.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

But I grinned without malice as my introverted husband headed to his elder meeting last week. \u201cMake sure they know how valuable your words are, because you won\u2019t have any left when you get home.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Typically, I don\u2019t mind giving from my marriage to outside ministry. I\u2019m happy to share! Yet that flexibility and generosity flow best when marriage and ministry work as a team\u2014not as competitors.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

And like I said, ministry marriage comes with its fair share of perks and dangers.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The perk: The ministry marriage can be on mission together.<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

I love being (mostly) of one mind with my husband in our mutual goal of intimately knowing God and bringing others along. Marriage can be so much more than a vehicle for personal happiness.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I like verbally swapping notes together as we\u2019re swept along in the adventure God planned for us (Ephesians 2:10<\/a>). I love seeking first God\u2019s Kingdom (Matthew 6:33<\/a>)\u2014at least trying to\u2014with my best friend. (Maybe your spouse isn\u2019t your best friend because<\/em> of ministry. Keep reading.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

When God created Eve, He called her Adam\u2019s ezer<\/em>\u2014a word used elsewhere to describe a military ally or God as a helper. I feel this intensely in my ministry marriage: We\u2019re in a sweaty, critical foxhole together, strategizing and waging a common battle, bleeding together, exulting in crazy victories. Purpose and synergy seep through our entire relationship.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Yet just because one or both of you is in ministry<\/em> doesn\u2019t mean you\u2019re on mission<\/em> together. Aside from your spouse\u2019s endorsement, you may not share that passion. Some spouses\u2019 ministries and lives are largely separate.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Conversely, neither of you could be in formal ministry, yet have a missional, here-am-I-send-me marriage. (Consider signing up for FamilyLife Local<\/a> for great ideas to guide those around you.) Formal ministry or not, God beckons every marriage to be missional<\/a>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The danger: The gospel isn’t displayed in your own home.<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

In The Contemplative Pastor<\/em>, Eugene Peterson emphasizes relentless busyness is \u201cthe symptom not of commitment but of betrayal. It is not devotion but defection \u2026 a blasphemous anxiety to do God\u2019s work for Him.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Overcommitted, I shun the humility of God-given physical, emotional, social, and spiritual limitations; of seeing myself with sober judgment (Romans 12:3<\/a>).<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I go through the motions of love, rather than love being genuine (Romans 12:9<\/a>)\u2014with God, kids, husband, and others.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I ignore Jesus\u2019 warning, \u201cAs the branch cannot bear fruit by itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you, unless you abide in me\u201d (John 15:4).<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Then, my marriage wilts. I do not preach the gospel to myself. Instead, I am what I do, or what others think of me, or what I have (popularity, control, security, comfort, a vast ministry, a following). I reject Jesus\u2019 work and statement of my worth.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

But surely it\u2019s just me who pays the price when I run too hard \u2026 right?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

As my husband pointed out, \u201cYour overcommitment affects the way our family sees Jesus.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Actions requiring grace or energy wane: gentleness. Creativity. Libido. Flexibility. Thoughtfulness. Enjoyment of my family. Board games with squirrely kids. Listening to meandering stories or emotional concerns.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Families need more than clean laundry and someone to play catch. They need a shepherd with capacity. (Even when you\u2019re oh-so-done shepherding around the clock. Compassion fatigue<\/a>, too, is real.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Like a bride grouchy from wedding prep, ministry beyond what God\u2019s asked sacrifices delight in both God and spouse. Habits of constant motion defy God\u2019s margin-creating rhythms for me and my relationships\u2014like sleep or holidays or Sabbaths, reminding us we\u2019re no longer slaves (Deuteronomy 5:15<\/a>).<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Home carries ministry only we can fulfill.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The perk: Spiritual resources as a way of life.<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

Spiritual nutrition infuses my husband\u2019s and my jobs and ways of life.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

My marriage benefits from the boot camp of books, podcasts, trainings, commentaries, speakers, conversations, even managing ministry conflict or disappointment. My career as a writer and speaker naturally increases my biblical literacy and understanding, my relational IQ and EQ (emotional intelligence). Both of us mature daily in spiritual aptitudes.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It means I\u2019m frequently baffled by my husband\u2019s ability to respond so gently and wisely in our arguments. I apply his learning to conversation or an article the next day. And from his practiced leadership in church or our missions organization, our relationship blooms large and vibrant.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The danger: Knowledge that “puffs” up.<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

Like the Pharisees, puffed-up spiritual knowledge can<\/em> show up in a ministry marriage as white noise, sheer arrogance, or egregious hypocrisy.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Venerated in ministry, we can subtly ease out of \u201cHave mercy on me a sinner\u201d (Luke 18:13<\/a>)\u2014and the presence of a God who dwells with the lowly and contrite in heart (Isaiah 57:15<\/a>; see Matthew 23:1\u201339<\/a>). To our spouses, we have no \u201cbread to offer that is warm from the oven of our intimacy with God,\u201d as Ruth Barton observes.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

We\u2019re used to admiration, decision-making, control. We may wash feet on the outside, but stand up on the inside. As fixers and teachers who \u201calways have something to offer,\u201d we lose the holy act of listening: to others, to God.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

And it leaves a spouse hurt. Angry. Rebuffed. Humiliated. Ignored.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The perk: Tag-teaming service.<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

As a united, purposeful team with my husband, I carry rich memories of watching God move before our eyes. It\u2019s a mini-Body of Christ. And it\u2019s exhilarating.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

We utilize each other as a resource when someone needs help. We network about discovered needs and help each other serve more wisely or lovingly.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

And honestly? I ride the coattails of his wisdom, leadership, and gentle care of others. He says my people skills and networking benefit his introversion.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Together, we\u2019re more than the sum of our parts: \u201cOh, magnify the Lord with me, and let us exalt his name together!\u201d (Psalm 34:3).<\/p>\n\n\n

365 devotions for your marriage on the days you feel like it (and ones you don\u2019t). <\/i><\/span> <\/a> <\/div> <\/div>\n\n\n\n

The Danger #1: Inability to \u201cturn off\u201d ministry.<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

Recently while corresponding with financial supporters, I declined a phone call.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

My husband walked in. \u201cWhy do you look \u2026 guilty?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

When I explained, he responded, \u201cYou\u2019re present with our supporters right now. Presence comes from not<\/em> being present elsewhere.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

If we can\u2019t turn off ministry, always considered \u201con-call\u201d or our home never without guests\u2014it\u2019s hard to be present in marriage. Or with God.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Blogger McKay Caston<\/a> points out a ministry marriage can become one of co-workers<\/em> rather than co-lovers<\/em>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

And without vigilance, \u201cministry\u201d\u2014especially workaholism with a \u201cGod\u201d label\u2014can eat your marriage alive; can obstruct your marriage from experiencing God.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

We see Jesus turn away from crowds. He says strategic noes so He can participate in God\u2019s yeses\u2014the race marked out for Him (Hebrews 12:1<\/a>).<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The Danger #2: Your ministry marriage becomes intricately entwined with unresolved ministry pain.<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

It\u2019s also not uncommon that pain in either of you from<\/em> ministry\u2014coworkers, church members, conflict, ministry-related sacrifices\u2014festers into bitterness against<\/em> ministry.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Sometimes, an organization saddles expectations on an unpaid spouse\u2019s attendance, talents, or ability to move locations. A spouse may feel used or unseen\u2014perhaps by you or the church presuming their time, gifts, home, and life are free for the taking. (Is it time to advocate for your spouse to church leadership, protecting your spouse from the assumed two-for-one deal?)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Your spouse may even feel used by God. (Does He only want me for what I do for Him? Does He care about whether I feel connected or happy?)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Sometimes one or both of you possess experiences or knowledge about others that may leave few outlets to process pain, confusion, even joy.  Perhaps your spouse frequently witnesses the church underbelly as you unload your stress. You witness resolution. She doesn\u2019t.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

But isolation is spiritual dysfunction: \u201cThe eye cannot say to the hand, \u2018I have no need of you\u2019\u201d (1 Corinthians 12:21). We might need trusted confidants outside our organization to lighten our marriages\u2014or allow them to heal.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Sometimes we avoid ministry- and God-related loneliness, anger, sadness, or fear\u2014and fail to process our own spiritual trauma, doubt, injury, or alienation.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

And because God and ministry are part of our marriage\u2019s DNA, unresolved pain and isolation yawn between us.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

For the sake of your ministry, spouse, and especially your relationship with God, remember the call of Hebrews: \u201cLet us draw near with a true heart in full assurance of faith.\u201d Through solitude, counseling, time off, and processing with trusted friends, do the hard work of cleaning and tending what\u2019s damaged \u201cso that what is lame may not be put out of joint but rather be healed\u201d (10:22, 12:13).<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Ministry to your own marriage: Big payoffs. Big happiness<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

Your ministry marriage can flounder\u2014or flourish, should you invest in displaying the gospel intently there.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Sure, that reciprocates in every area of service you put your hands to. But even if you were only experiencing Jesus more in your own marriage? That alone honors and pleases Him greatly.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Will you do the hard work to deeply nourish the relationships that matter most?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\n\n\n\n

Copyright \u00a9 2021 Janel Breitenstein. All rights reserved.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Janel Breitenstein is an author, freelance writer, speaker, and frequent contributor for FamilyLife, including Passport2Identity\u00ae, Art of Parenting\u00ae, and regular articles. After five and a half years in East Africa, her family of six has returned to Colorado, where they continue to work on behalf of the poor with Engineering Ministries International. Her book, Permanent Markers: Spiritual Life Skills to Write On Your Kids\u2019 Hearts<\/em> (Harvest House), releases October 2021. You can find her\u2014\u201cThe Awkward Mom\u201d\u2014having uncomfortable, important conversations at JanelBreitenstein.com, and on Instagram @janelbreit.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

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