{"id":103573,"date":"2020-12-17T07:39:18","date_gmt":"2020-12-17T14:39:18","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/?p=103573"},"modified":"2020-12-17T07:39:18","modified_gmt":"2020-12-17T14:39:18","slug":"why-you-might-be-wrong-about-families-like-mine","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/articles\/topics\/life-issues\/challenges\/cultural-issues\/why-you-might-be-wrong-about-families-like-mine\/","title":{"rendered":"Why You Might be Wrong About Families Like Mine"},"content":{"rendered":"
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Sitting in the audience of a large gathering, I listened intently and with great excitement as people shared stories about how God was using a new marriage study to impact families. I cheered and clapped with joy as each testimony was shared; my heart was full. I anticipated another moving story as the next person took the mic, but instead, he declared rather emphatically, \u201cWe need to get this resource into Black churches because the entire Black family situation is devastating!\u201d<\/p>\n

It was one of those record-scratching moments. You know, the moment where a phonograph needle suddenly produces a single scratching sound on a record\u00a0that abruptly interrupts the whole party? Except this party continued, and it was my own emotional high that had been abruptly interrupted.<\/p>\n

With shock and embarrassment, I shook my head and wondered if I\u2019d heard him correctly. I quickly turned to the other Black woman in the room sitting next to me, and noticed the bewilderment on her face. I whispered, \u201cDid you hear what he just said?\u201d She nodded. She too had been shocked by the statement. We spent the rest of the time whispering about our own family legacies of loving, lasting marriages and what we knew to be true about ours and many other marriages and families in the Black community.<\/p>\n

Assumptions about Black families<\/strong><\/h2>\n

In that same hushed conversation, we wondered why the man would present the Black family situation as being so dire. Later that day, I decided to ask. He immediately defended his statement by quoting racial statistics and familiar narratives about single-parent headed households, absent fathers, and blended families in the Black community. Information I\u2019d heard all too often in the media but that is also often inaccurate, skewed to prove a biased point, or only part of the story.<\/p>\n

I just recently came across one of those statistics, shared by a White friend on social media. He posted that \u201c72% of children in the Black community are fatherless,\u201d and attributed that \u201cfact\u201d to the real reason for the problems Black people are facing in America. While I don\u2019t typically comment on posts considered controversial, my frustration with the inaccuracy of the statistic and the myth of the absent Black father compelled me to \u201cspeak the truth in love\u201d (see Ephesians 4:15<\/u><\/a>).<\/p>\n

The statistic (as of 2018) actually states that \u201c69.4% of Black children are born to unwed mothers<\/u>.<\/a>\u201d But that doesn\u2019t equate to fatherlessness. In fact, only 44% of those fathers do not live in the home. According to another CDC study<\/u><\/a>, many of these unmarried dads are very involved in their children\u2019s lives. They are part of their children\u2019s daily routines, such as helping with homework, giving baths, reading to them, and tucking them into bed at night. They attend their children\u2019s school functions, participate in their extracurricular activities, and take them for weekends, on dates, and on vacations. My friend was grateful for the correction.<\/p>\n

Let\u2019s be honest. Divorce, single-parent headed households, absent fathers, blended families, and the challenges those dynamics bring happen to families of every hue and affects us as a nation and global community. And God cares about EVERY family because families are made up of people, and every person is representative of the beauty of His diverse creation and is His image bearer (Genesis 1:27<\/a>).<\/p>\n

Unique challenges Black families face<\/strong><\/h2>\n

It would be negligent, however, to not acknowledge that the effects of racism and inequality, such as discrimination in the workplace, housing, education, and the judicial system; mass incarceration; the wealth gap; and other inequities that still occur today, has made life uniquely challenging for Black and Brown families.<\/p>\n

But the truth is, no people group is immune from life, marriage, or family challenges. And no one people group is the standard bearer for virtuous lives, marriages, or families. Romans 3:10, 23 <\/a>says, \u201cAs it is written: ‘None is righteous, no not one’ . . . for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.\u201d<\/p>\n

All people, no matter the hue, are created equally in the image of God (Genesis 1:27<\/a>, Genesis 5:1<\/u><\/a>, James 3:9<\/u><\/a>) and all are equally in desperate need of the Savior. We\u2019re all in this together.<\/p>\n

And yet, because of misinformation and stereotypes, many Black and Brown couples have felt they\u2019ve had to carry the burden of proof\u2014a responsibility to prove to our White peers that we, too, want to build strong, loving, lasting marriages, and families.<\/p>\n

Black and Brown couples want to do well with communication and conflict and managing our finances. We want to do well with navigating unique family backgrounds, handling relationships with in-laws, former spouses, and extended family.<\/p>\n

We, too, want to love and respect each other, keep romance and passion alive, and honor our vows and commitment to stay married.<\/p>\n

We want to raise well-rounded children with good character traits like honesty, integrity, responsibility, and a good work ethic in safe neighborhoods with quality schools and caring teachers.<\/p>\n

And we want to actively share life with other couples to \u201cencourage one another and build one another up\u201d (1 Thessalonians 5:11<\/u><\/a>), because all families face challenges and need help and hope.<\/p>\n

We are not an anomaly<\/strong><\/h2>\n

My husband and I both had great marriage models growing up, thanks to our parents, grandparents, extended family, and the diverse families in our communities. What we saw modeled for us is what we wanted to give and receive when we got married. We learned what to do and what not to do to build a lasting, loving marriage. But we also had some not so good examples growing up. Those marriages influenced us as well, and we learned what we did not want for our marriage.<\/p>\n

Whether the marriages modeled for us were good or not so good, they were modeled by imperfect people. Not one of those models was perfect. The good news is, there is a perfect marriage model\u2014Christ\u2019s relationship with His Bride, the Church. This is the model God intends for ALL marriages to reflect: \u201cTherefore be imitators of God, as beloved children. And walk in love, as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us, a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God\u201d (Ephesians 5:1-2).<\/p>\n

Get rest for your weary soul. Download Unshaken<\/em> today.<\/i><\/span> <\/a> <\/div> <\/div>\n

Like our parents, grandparents, and other couples before us and around us, we\u2019ve strived to reflect Christ\u2019s love and sacrifice in our own marriage of 39 years. And while we have not done that perfectly, we have seen how our marriage has and continues to influence the lives and marriages of our adult children and other couples in our family and community.<\/p>\n

It has been frustrating at times, especially when there\u2019s shock from White friends that we are still in a loving marriage after almost four decades. That we both come from a family of solid marriages. And that the men in our family are very involved in their children\u2019s lives.<\/p>\n

We\u2019ve also experienced comments about where and how we\u2019ve lived. For instance, a White couple once said to us, \u201cYou live more White than we do.\u201d We were shocked and hurt by that comment. It communicated that because we\u2019re Black, it\u2019s not normal to have certain things or to hold certain values. Cutting like a knife, those words\u2014loaded with racial stereotypes and biases\u2014left us feeling uncomfortable, insulted, and deeply hurt.<\/p>\n

It isn\u2019t easy to deal with such attitudes and microaggressions, but we remain strong and try to respond with love, understanding, grace, and forgiveness.<\/p>\n

For us and for countless other Black and Brown families around the globe, committed marriages and solid family values are normal. We are not an anomaly.<\/p>\n

Every marriage and family is important<\/strong><\/h2>\n

As believers, we have a responsibility to pray for, value, and invest in the marriages and families of others, even those who may not look like us. We do this because marriage and family of EVERY race and ethnicity is important to God, our communities, nation, and world.<\/p>\n

To value all families as God does, here are some things we can all do:<\/strong><\/p>\n