{"id":102759,"date":"2020-10-23T12:28:19","date_gmt":"2020-10-23T18:28:19","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/?p=102759"},"modified":"2020-10-23T12:28:19","modified_gmt":"2020-10-23T18:28:19","slug":"happily-married-a-10-step-relationship-assessment","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/articles\/topics\/marriage\/staying-married\/happily-married-a-10-step-relationship-assessment\/","title":{"rendered":"Happily Married? A 10-Step Relationship Assessment"},"content":{"rendered":"
<\/div>\n

It\u2019s been a tough year on marriages.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Maybe after all this spontaneous \u201ctogether time,\u201d you\u2019re wondering if you\u2019re happily married after all. Or even if \u201chappily married\u201d is still in the cards.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Make no mistake. Happily married<\/em> isn\u2019t the same as easily married.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Because just like most of life in the real world\u2014and contrary to prime time\u2019s brand of effortless affection\u2014greatness lies on the other side of overcoming natural impulses. Like irritation slouching into contempt. Self-protective grudges trumping self-sacrificing forgiveness. Prioritization of our own schedules, needs, and long-term plans over someone else\u2019s.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

In my own marriage\u201420 years to a man who\u2019s hands-down my best friend\u2014I’ve found that to be happily married, I have to work for it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Hard.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Because the work of enduring love doesn\u2019t mean we\u2019re naturally compatible. (My husband and I actually aren\u2019t!) Instead, it means each of us are willing to do the supernatural work of laying down our own lives for each other.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

How can couples stay happily married?<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

The most happily married couples are startlingly and scientifically not the ones sheltered from hardship, financial strain, loss. It\u2019s not even the ones that fight the least.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

They\u2019re the marriages who\u2019ve learned to choose us<\/em><\/a> in ways microscopic and monumental.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

But what\u2019s that look like in the nitty-gritty? Here\u2019s a simple, 10-step assessment to help steer you in a happily married direction.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The relationship assessment<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

1. How do I respond to my spouse?<\/h3>\n\n\n\n

When you dial a friend, there\u2019s only an interchange if your friend picks up the phone and talks back. And marriage isn\u2019t that different. Do you generally receive your spouse\u2019s \u201ccalls\u201d\u2014their positive behaviors and moves toward you?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Do you meet those initiations with warm response? Or are they met with disdain or no one “picking up the phone” at all?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Renowned marriage researcher John Gottman<\/a> finds startling predictors of marital success in how couples respond to each other\u2019s bids for affection\u2014and whether couples respond to each other with contempt.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Gottman discovered those who had divorced six years after his initial study were only positively responsive to each other 33% of the time. Couples still married had responded warmly, on average, 87% of the time, meeting their spouse\u2019s emotional needs.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

And it doesn\u2019t stop there. Negative spouses missed 50% of their partner’s positive behavior. They even perceived negative behavior \u2026 that wasn\u2019t actually there.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

This 21st<\/sup> century science echoes ancient truth: \u201cIn humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you not look only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others\u201d (Philippians 2:3-4).<\/p>\n\n\n\n

We need to respond to our spouses as God responds to us: \u201cLet us press on to know him. He will respond to us as surely as the arrival of dawn\u201d (Hosea 6:3, NLT).<\/p>\n\n\n\n

2. Where is your spouse (and marriage) on your priority list?<\/h3>\n\n\n\n

One study that surveyed marriage counselors<\/a> found quality time\u2014apart from the business of running a household\u2014as one of three key factors in marital success.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Coexisting in parallel lives simply doesn\u2019t stoke the fires of closeness. One counselor mentioned the amount of relational \u201ctouch points\u201d in which a healthy couple connects on a given day.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Another pointed out that even in \u201cmental time together, you are thinking about the other person and you\u2019re including that other person in your decisions.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

In your relationship assessment, consider whether your spouse innately knows your relationship gets top-shelf status\u2014even over kids, success at work, your cell phone<\/a>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

3. How much do I respect my spouse?<\/h3>\n\n\n\n

Sometimes, the size of a person\u2019s weakness and failure swell beyond our ability to see what\u2019s valuable about them. Or simply see their humanity.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Inner negativity leaks out in contempt\u2014one of Gottman\u2019s \u201cFour Horsemen\u201d<\/a> of dying relationships, along with defensiveness, criticism, and stonewalling.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

When you\u2019re tempted to marinate in your spouse\u2019s prolific shortcomings, reroute by recalling three ways you\u2019re thankful for them (see #8). For more help with this, see 30 Ways to Love Your Wife <\/a>and In His Corner: 32 Ways to Honor Your Husband<\/a>.<\/p>\n\n\n

365 devotions for your marriage on the days you feel like it (and ones you don\u2019t). <\/i><\/span> <\/a> <\/div> <\/div>\n\n\n\n

4. How would I describe our sex life?<\/h3>\n\n\n\n

Sex isn\u2019t the thermostat for “happily married.” But it\u2019s a decent thermometer.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Yes, sex is complicated by past pain. Baggage. Selfishness. Lack of priority.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2026As is marriage. Sex acts as a microcosm of the rest of our relationship. How vulnerable, how \u201cnaked and unashamed\u201d are we? How sacrificial, committed, passionate?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Ask yourself what you or your spouse are most frustrated with in the bedroom. Chances are, there\u2019s a more encompassing relational angle to be worked out.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Grab 10 Surprisingly Effective Ways to Improve Your Sex Life<\/a>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

5. How \u201ctogether\u201d are we emotionally, spiritually, physically, socially?<\/h3>\n\n\n\n

Being externally committed to your relationship (i.e., sharing space) is one thing. But how well do you and your spouse function as two becoming one? As biblical teaching phrases it, \u201cthey shall become one flesh\u201d (Genesis 2:24).<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Not in the gosh-I-just-flushed-my-identity way. They\u2019re closer to three-legged race champions: Two complete identities hugging close in perfect sync for the win.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Because there\u2019s plenty that actively pulls you apart: Divergent schedules. Your cell phone. Kids. Fantasizing about life outside your marriage. Porn addiction.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

So in your relationship assessment, consider whether your spouse is more of a roommate. Or are both of you actively investing in your relationship?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Because the default state of marriage isn\u2019t oneness. It\u2019s isolation.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

6. Do we practice kindness and generosity\u2014even when we\u2019re ticked?<\/h3>\n\n\n\n

Repeatedly in research, kindness acts as a key predictor of a marriage\u2019s capacity to fulfill and endure. But it\u2019s not just little acts of snagging your spouse\u2019s favorite drink for them at the coffee shop or lobbing your jeans into the hamper. We\u2019re talking kindness baked into the culture of your marriage, even amidst irritation.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

As a rule, happily married couples don\u2019t let conflict turn them contemptuous. They tackle the problem rather than the person.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

For marriages stuck on negativity, check out social researcher Shaunti Feldhahn\u2019s 30-Day Kindness Challenge<\/a>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

7. How committed are we to each other?<\/h3>\n\n\n\n

Someone once told me of their return at a natural-foods store. \u201cOh, no problem!\u201d the clerk responded. \u201cIf this doesn\u2019t fit your narrative in any way, we\u2019ll gladly take it back.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

In marriage, it can be a little too easy to think, You don\u2019t really fit my narrative. Do you happen to have a generous return policy?<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

God assigns every one of our conflicts. They\u2019re opportunities to love each other more. To become more like Him. To live breathtaking lives not because they were custom-ordered, but because they do the hard work of loving, of fire-escape-free commitment.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

8. How thankful are we for each other?<\/h3>\n\n\n\n

Author Eric Barker writes,<\/a> \u201cPeople tend to experience higher gratitude on days when their partner does something thoughtful for them, and such gratitude predicts elevated relationship quality the next day \u2026 In the long run, people who experience elevated levels of gratitude also experience stronger relationship commitment and are less likely to break up.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Perhaps it isn\u2019t surprising that gratitude = happily married. Gratitude swivels us toward what\u2019s going right; toward our spouse\u2019s strengths and contributions.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Better yet, it swings us away from an entitled, \u201cWhat do you add to my life?\u201d\u2014and toward humility. That gratitude bleeds into thanking a God who orchestrates our lives, generously giving lavish gifts.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

9. Are we living for something beyond ourselves?<\/h3>\n\n\n\n

Yes, there are the usual suspects in this conversation. Many studies indicate happier marriage<\/a>, lower domestic violence, and better sex lives<\/a> when both spouses attend church, have regular religious involvement, even pray together.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

But think higher than an institution.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Author Skye Jethani writes in With,<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

\n

God established a garden in Eden where he placed the man and woman and where he walked with them. God welcomed humanity into the eternal communion he had known since before time. We were created in his image so that we might live in relationship with him.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Eden was designed to be a collaborative environment where Creator and creatures worked together for a common goal.<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n

We\u2019re most happily married when working with God, for purposes superseding our own relationship.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

10. How willing are we to forgive each other?<\/h3>\n\n\n\n

Forgiveness says, You and our love are bigger than the ways you fail.<\/em> Your value to me goes beyond your ability to perform. I\u2019m here for the long haul\u2014not just while you keep meeting status quo.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Ligon Duncan wrote, \u201cPeople don\u2019t fall out of love. They fall out of repentance and forgiveness.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

(Forgiveness, however, doesn\u2019t excuse or further sin. See \u201cAre you in an Abusive Relationship?\u201d<\/a>)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

More than that, forgiveness offers Jesus to your spouse. It speaks the Gospel to both<\/em> of you: that while you were both His enemies, He went so far as to give His life.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Part of our ability to forgive, to offer undeserved kindness? We realize how much we\u2019ve been forgiven.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

And it\u2019s hard not<\/em> to be happily married when someone sees you completely as you are, yet loves you completely.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

This means it\u2019s worth it to take the next step on the areas of this relationship assessment that could use some fine-tuning \u2026 even an overhaul. The hard work to love each other more wholly and steadily means you step closer and closer to the marriage of your dreams.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\n\n\n\n

Copyright \u00a9 2020 Janel Breitenstein. All rights reserved.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Janel Breitenstein is an author, freelance writer, speaker, and frequent contributor for FamilyLife, including Passport2Identity\u00ae, Art of Parenting\u00ae, and regular articles. After five and a half years in East Africa, her family of six has returned to Colorado, where they continue to work on behalf of the poor with Engineering Ministries International. Her book, Permanent Markers: Spiritual Life Skills for Work-in-Progress Families <\/em>(Harvest House), releases October 2021. You can find her\u2014\u201cThe Awkward Mom\u201d\u2014having uncomfortable, important conversations at JanelBreitenstein.com, and on Instagram @janelbreit.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

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