{"id":102325,"date":"2020-10-07T09:53:47","date_gmt":"2020-10-07T15:53:47","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/?p=102325"},"modified":"2020-10-07T09:53:47","modified_gmt":"2020-10-07T15:53:47","slug":"anger-issues-how-im-helping-my-kidsand-myself","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/articles\/topics\/parenting\/parenting-challenges\/anger-and-rebellion\/anger-issues-how-im-helping-my-kidsand-myself\/","title":{"rendered":"Anger Issues: How I\u2019m Helping My Kids\u2026and Myself"},"content":{"rendered":"
<\/div>

I was walking through a friend\u2019s house when immediately, a frog leapt to my throat. A painting hung there in her hall\u2014and somehow, I felt more understood. I comprehended a nugget of that transcendent truth art can mine in the soul.<\/p>\n

The title? Jesus and the Angry Babies<\/em>.<\/p>\n

Anger issues\u2014a<\/em>ngry babies <\/em>(and angry children and angry mom)\u2014<\/em>is a subject featuring prominently in my life since becoming a parent seven years ago.<\/p>\n

For the first three months of my eldest\u2019s life, it seemed that if she was awake, she was screaming. \u201cColicky\u201d felt like an understatement of her infancy. \u201cStrong-willed\u201d felt like an understatement for both of my toddlers.<\/p>\n

That painted depiction of a human Jesus encountering human, angry babies was a comforting reminder that my experience is both normal and hard. I found in His face traces of fluster and fondness, ache and acceptance. I wondered if, like mine, perhaps His heart rate became elevated and brain released oxytocin. A body\u2019s stress response is not sinful\u2014<\/em>though I often shamed myself as if it was.<\/p>\n

Jesus probably did encounter angry babies. But I took comfort at the thought that their anger had nothing to do with Him. I tended to take my children\u2019s anger personally, like it said something about how I was doing as a parent (= unsatisfactory) or who I was as a person (= a failure).<\/p>\n

Anger Issues? 4 Things to Consider<\/h2>\n

A child\u2019s anger issues can trigger any number of emotions in a parent: defensiveness, rage, sadness, fear, uncertainty, worry. Like physiological responses, emotions are not wrong or sinful; both types of reactions communicate something.<\/p>\n

As parents, we\u2019ll be more likely to respond helpfully\u2014<\/em>rather than react<\/em> unhelpfully\u2014<\/em>when acknowledging our own responses to our children\u2019s anger. This keeps those responses from controlling how we behave \u2026 just like we want our children to gain the ability to do.<\/p>\n

1. Check yourself: What do your child\u2019s anger issues stir up in you?<\/h3>\n

God blessed me with two intense children capable of shockingly intense emotions, both positive and negative. That level of intensity can be intense for me as their mom. Their joy can be positively, gloriously contagious\u2014as can their ear-splitting rage.<\/p>\n

When my kids explode and I explode right back, serious false beliefs drive my reactions.<\/p>\n

If they are failing in some way, it means I am failing as their mom. <\/em><\/p>\n

I cannot handle this. <\/em><\/p>\n

I can\u2019t be okay if they\u2019re not okay. <\/em><\/p>\n

There\u2019s something wrong with them. <\/em><\/p>\n

This is all my fault. <\/em><\/p>\n

Fear and shame drive those beliefs. That led to unhelpful, sometimes hurtful, reactions toward my children.<\/p>\n

In truth, I didn\u2019t know how to handle my own anger issues. So when I encountered theirs, it sent me straight into \u201cfight or flight\u201d mode \u2026 which just continued cycle of anger in our family.<\/p>\n

My destructive reactions\u2014attempting to stifle their yelling with yelling louder<\/em>, or shutting down and retreating from heated interactions with them\u2014 signaled I needed personal boundaries to keep their drama from becoming mine.<\/p>\n

Gradually, with a lot of support<\/a>, counseling, and encouragement (because anger issues are more common than you think), I began to be able to slow down in those moments. I noticed what was stirring up inside me, addressed it (or at least, set it aside to be addressed at a later moment), then focused more fully on empowering my child to deal in healthy ways.<\/p>\n

2. Check the situation: Can everyone be safe?<\/h3>\n

When anger issues arise, a parent\u2019s job is to make sure everyone can be safe both physically and emotionally.<\/p>\n

Working to become emotionally safe as parents is a prerequisite for us being able to help kids with anger issues. Then we can check the space around us, making sure our kids are not a physical danger to anyone else around. This might mean removing an aggressive child from the situation or excusing siblings to another room for a time.<\/p>\n

Start with a verbal reminder: \u201cIt\u2019s okay to be angry. It\u2019s not okay to hurt people.\u201d<\/p>\n

Now is the time to begin (or continue) building an environment where any feeling is accepted (though every expression may not be).<\/p>\n

To begin, get into the habit of naming feelings as they arise for yourself and your children. Not only does this reinforce that feelings are normal, but gracious naming of feelings also lets people know they are seen, <\/em>builds emotional literacy, and defangs those frighteningly intense feelings.<\/p>\n

Then<\/em> we can start to talk about better ways to express anger.<\/p>\n

Get together with your friends and learn the Art of Parenting.<\/i><\/span> <\/a> <\/div> <\/div>\n

3. Check for the heart of the matter.<\/h3>\n

Not only is a compassionate response to anger the one we see our Heavenly Father model, it\u2019s also more effective.<\/p>\n

Fear and shame (as opposed to healthy guilt) are not good motivators for heart change in adults or children. Romans 2:4 tells us \u201cGod’s kindness is meant to lead you to repentance.\u201d<\/p>\n

I\u2019ve seen my daughter\u2019s panicked anger dissolve simply by telling her, \u201cI love you no matter how you feel.\u201d I can testify that when my kids feel safest with me\u2014to be themselves as they are in that moment\u2014we get to the heart of their anger issues sooner.<\/p>\n

Sometimes that \u201cheart of the matter\u201d is anxiety or shame coming out sideways from something that happened at school or with friends. And sometimes the core issue is they are hungry, dehydrated, overstimulated, or under-rested.<\/p>\n

Both of my children also have some sensory sensitivities<\/a> (something I didn\u2019t realize until I sought help for their intense behavior). Some agitation can be avoided with a little planning and forethought in our daily habits. We need to consider how these matters play into reactions and behavior.<\/p>\n

4. Don\u2019t check your watch.<\/h3>\n

Once I started taking more care to respond to my child\u2019s anger issues as a coach instead of my more natural fight or flight instinct, I was careful not to be discouraged. Even though I was responding with kindness and empathy more often, sometimes it wasn\u2019t \u201cworking.\u201d<\/p>\n

I had to take more of a long view of change in my family. James 3:18 (NLT) says, \u201cAnd those who are peacemakers will plant seeds of peace and reap a harvest of righteousness.\u201d<\/p>\n

I scrawled this verse on my kitchen\u2019s tile walls to remind me the peace and righteousness I want to see grown in my family won\u2019t happen overnight. All I can do is to plant seeds of peace in my interactions. Then, I can trust God that, in due time, righteousness will spring up.<\/p>\n

Anger issues need so much grace<\/h2>\n

On FamilyLife\u00ae<\/sup> Today<\/em>, I heard author and speaker Amber Lia<\/a> remark, \u201cIt takes a childhood to raise a child.\u201d Of course, it does, <\/em>I thought (mind blown).<\/p>\n

So why do I still find myself expecting my 3-year-old to handle frustration at least as well (if not better) as I do with a fully developed and educated brain?<\/p>\n

Can I remind you of a little secret you already know but which helps to hear?<\/p>\n

There is so much grace. <\/em><\/p>\n

There is so much grace for the struggling parent. And there is so much grace for the struggling child.<\/p>\n

Anger issues, our child\u2019s or ours, can make our homes feel like an emotionally gory battlefield: messy and hopeless. But with some intentional and prayerful planting, perseverance, and support from others, we may discover the field we\u2019re on is actually a garden.<\/p>\n

And there\u2019s righteousness, connection and joy coming in due time with the harvest.<\/p>\n

\n

Copyright \u00a9 2020 by FamilyLife. All rights reserved.<\/em><\/p>\n

Laura Way serves with FamilyLife as a writer and lives in Orlando, Florida with her high-school-teaching-husband, Aubrey, and their two vibrant young daughters. She and Aubrey lived in East Asia for seven years until relocating last year. She enjoys writing about becoming more fully human while sojourning through different places, seasons of life, and terrains of mental and spiritual health at hopeforthesojourn.com.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

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