{"id":101935,"date":"2020-09-22T13:37:18","date_gmt":"2020-09-22T19:37:18","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/?p=101935"},"modified":"2020-09-22T13:37:18","modified_gmt":"2020-09-22T19:37:18","slug":"when-your-friend-struggles-with-rejection-in-a-blended-family-4-ways-to-help","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/articles\/topics\/blended-family\/stepparents\/stepfamily-living\/when-your-friend-struggles-with-rejection-in-a-blended-family-4-ways-to-help\/","title":{"rendered":"When Your Friend Struggles with Rejection in a Blended Family: 4 Ways to Help"},"content":{"rendered":"
<\/div>

You notice your friend\u2019s sad face at the kids\u2019 soccer game and wonder what\u2019s up. As you approach her with a friendly \u201chello\u201d and a casual \u201cHow are you?\u201d her emotions spill out with her words as her chin begins to tremble.<\/p>\n

\u201cDavid\u2019s working today, so I\u2019m in charge of his kids,\u201d she shares. \u201cIt was a hard morning. Cassidy wanted nothing to do with me. She just kept asking for her mom. The day after drop-off is always hard, but I couldn\u2019t deal with it today. Am I not good enough? Will she ever accept me into her life? What am I doing wrong? I know how to be a mom, but not to her. I thought after two years of marriage things would get better, but I feel like they\u2019re only getting worse.\u201d<\/p>\n

What do you say? How can you help?<\/p>\n

Rejection shows up at some point in most every stepparent\u2019s life. It\u2019s a normal building block on a fragile structure in the early years of a blended family.<\/a><\/p>\n

If you\u2019re not a stepparent yourself, you might wonder how to help. Here are a few ideas:<\/p>\n

1. Offer empathy.<\/h2>\n

Rejection hurts. A trite or well-meaning answer like, \u201cCassidy must be having a hard time, too,\u201d will only leave your friend feeling worse. Acknowledge her feelings with sincere, heartfelt words. Then give her space to say more: \u201cI\u2019m sorry, Andrea. I know that must be incredibly hurtful for you.\u201d Pause and offer a hug. Encourage her to talk it out if she feels comfortable. Be a listening ear without trying to give solutions. It\u2019s likely Andrea has few channels where she feels safe to express her honest stepmom feelings.<\/p>\n

In their book, Building Love Together in Blended Families: The 5 Love Languages\u00ae and Becoming Stepfamily Smart<\/em><\/a>, Gary Chapman and Ron Deal affirm the perils of rejection: \u201cWhen you are highly motivated toward building love, rejection is terribly discouraging and defeating. \u2026 it can make you want to give up.\u201d<\/p>\n

They offer encouragement on being stubbornly persistent to show yourself faithful as a stepparent, even in the midst of rejection. Offering empathy for your friend\u2019s feelings will help give her the courage she needs to keep moving forward in her stepmom role.<\/p>\n

2. Help them garner a realistic view of the situation.<\/h2>\n

In the midst of rejection, a stepparent considers few positive characteristics about a relationship. It\u2019s easy to focus only on the negative. After listening and empathizing, consider how to nudge them toward a different perspective.<\/p>\n

As an outsider looking in, you can offer your friend a realistic view of the relationship you see building. \u201cAndrea, I know it might seem like Cassidy wants nothing to do with you, but I\u2019ve noticed she seems quicker to offer hugs and smiles toward you than she did a few months ago. It looks to me like you\u2019re doing a lot of things right in pursuing a closer bond with her.\u201d<\/p>\n

Focusing on the positive aspects of a relationship allows for hopeful thoughts about the future. Your friend might need to voice her complaints about the rejection she\u2019s enduring at times, but don\u2019t allow her to stay stuck in a critical spirit about her stepfamily. Pointing out even small aspects of good things happening in their relationships can keep a stepparent hopeful of brighter days ahead.<\/p>\n

3. Encourage personal resolve in the face of rejection.<\/h2>\n

Deal and Chapman state that one part of the personal resolve necessary to stay faithful in the midst of rejection is raw determination\u2014forging ahead when it would be easier to give up. They go on to say another aspect of resolve that\u2019s needed must be found \u201cabove and within.\u201d<\/p>\n

When we find our sense of worth and identity in a relationship with God, we can then separate who we really are from who the rejecting person implies we are. We <\/em>determine our identity, instead of staying hooked to one defined by someone else. \u201cFinding significance from above and definition from within will fuel your resolve to continue knocking on the door of [your stepchild\u2019s] heart without letting their resistance destroy you,\u201d Deal and Chapman write.<\/p>\n

Reassure your friend of the depth of God\u2019s love for them and His ability to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine (Ephesians 3:17-20<\/a>).  Encourage her to step away, with God\u2019s help, from a defeated and insecure image that rejection easily creates. And help her build personal resolve that keeps her moving forward and gives her the tenacity she needs to pursue stubborn love with her stepchild.<\/p>\n

Find more like this in our online course just for blended marriages!<\/i><\/span> <\/a> <\/div> <\/div>\n

4. Help focus on unity with their spouse and creating long-term relationships with their stepchildren.<\/h2>\n

The feelings of rejection that stepparents encounter in the beginning often dissipate and end altogether as time passes. When the bonds of familyness form, inclusion takes over. A marathon mindset helps a stepparent survive a season when rejection seems to dominate at every turn.<\/p>\n

On hard days, a unified couple relationship can help a hurting stepparent. Encourage your friend to confide in her partner about her feelings. Biological parents don\u2019t always recognize the rejection and loneliness stepparents endure and can show support in front of their kids to help.<\/p>\n

I\u2019ll never forget a comment my husband used to make with his kids (more than once) when the sting of rejection showed up for me. \u201cGayla isn\u2019t going away,\u201d he would say. \u201cWe need to find a way to include her in our family circle and all get along.\u201d His comment went a long way in encouraging my pursuit of relationship-building.<\/p>\n

Healthy boundary setting can also help a stepparent cope with rejection. Encourage your friend to include self-care in her routine and couple-time away from the kids. Invite her out for coffee, get a pedicure together, or just go to the park for an afternoon of girl time. A sense of belonging in other relationships can help your friend push against rejection in her home when it shows up.<\/p>\n

When facing rejection, faithfulness counts<\/h2>\n

Reasons for rejection might be traced to a variety of factors. But regardless of where it originates, it can create doubt and insecurity about relationship-building.<\/p>\n

In the face of rejection, Chapman and Deal encourage stepparents to engage in a long, tenacious love with their stepchildren that will prove itself over time. \u201cLove and faithfulness are critical to growing and sustaining healthy relationships,\u201d they say. Even when feeling powerless against the obstacles, \u201cFaithful love is your power; it has the muscle you need to turn things in a better direction.\u201d<\/p>\n

Most stepchildren simply will not continue to reject a stepparent long-term who engages in an authentic love relationship with them.<\/p>\n

Encourage your friend to keep Christ as her cornerstone (Ephesians 2:20<\/a>) as she frames an unshakable structure with building blocks that stand against the winds of rejection and create healthy long-term relationships in her stepfamily.<\/p>\n

\n

Copyright \u00a9 2020 by FamilyLife. All rights reserved.<\/em><\/p>\n

Gayla Grace serves on staff with FamilyLife Blended\u00ae and is passionate about equipping blended families as a writer and a speaker. She holds a master\u2019s degree in Psychology and Counseling and is the author of Stepparenting With Grace: A Devotional for Blended Families<\/em> and co-author of Quiet Moments for the Stepmom Soul<\/em>. Gayla and her husband, Randy, have been married since 1995 in a \u201chis, hers, and ours\u201d family. She is the mom to three young adult children and stepmom to two.<\/p>\n

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