{"id":101650,"date":"2020-09-10T16:03:01","date_gmt":"2020-09-10T22:03:01","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/?p=101650"},"modified":"2025-02-12T14:58:04","modified_gmt":"2025-02-12T19:58:04","slug":"when-your-friends-are-moving-in-together-before-marriage","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/articles\/topics\/faith\/essentials-faith\/reaching-out\/when-your-friends-are-moving-in-together-before-marriage\/","title":{"rendered":"When Your Friends are Moving In Together Before Marriage"},"content":{"rendered":"
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It can be straight-up awkward: Your Christian friends are moving in together. They want your support; it\u2019s a big step. What\u2019s it look like to be a good friend when their sights are set on living together?<\/p>\n

A friend once spoke of her anger that as a young believer, no close women in her life had taken time to chat about her behavior with guys. My friend felt her church left her unprotected.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhy didn\u2019t anyone care enough to tell me?\u201d she wondered aloud, pain on her face.<\/p>\n

Truth: Your friend likely won\u2019t see you as protecting them if you suggest they shouldn\u2019t be living together. Anger\u2019s more likely. Confrontation about someone\u2019s sexual choices isn\u2019t really politically correct.<\/p>\n

No one likes to be told they have cancer, either. But unchecked, damage grows.<\/p>\n

Additionally, Christians have a reputation for stepping in when things get obviously sinful\u2014say a Stage 4-equivalent diagnosis. One friend who\u2019d lived with her boyfriend told me, \u201cWhen people who didn\u2019t care or ask about my life otherwise suddenly cast stones, it pushed me farther away from their beliefs.\u201d<\/p>\n

So you\u2019re walking a razor\u2019s edge, potentially driving your friend away from God \u2026 versus attempting to sincerely encourage what\u2019s best for them.<\/p>\n

Yet 1 Corinthians 13:6<\/a> sets the standard high for real love: It doesn\u2019t delight in any evil. It rejoices in truth\u2014God\u2019s truth.<\/p>\n

Consider Jesus\u2019 interaction with the woman at the well (see John 4<\/a>)\u2014who admits to five previous husbands and shacking up with her current partner. What impresses her doesn\u2019t seem to be Jesus\u2019 boldness, but his genuine compassion. His understanding of what her heart truly wants.<\/p>\n

Here are six questions I\u2019d ask myself before confronting a friend who\u2019s moving in together.<\/p>\n

1. What is my friend\u2019s commitment to Jesus?<\/h2>\n

Churchgoing three Sundays a month does not a Jesus-follower make: \u201cIf we say we have fellowship with him while we walk in darkness, we lie and do not practice the truth\u201d (1 John 1:6). Whether your friend truly claims to follow Jesus\u2014and knows living together is wrong\u2014is a significant factor in how we address them.<\/p>\n

Why? Becoming like Jesus happens after<\/em> we choose to follow him. We don\u2019t expect people walking in darkness to act like they\u2019re living in light.<\/p>\n

Just after a friend of mind began to explore faith, Christians confronted her about living with her boyfriend. Decades later, she speaks of the encounter with disdain. Repeated similar encounters with Christians inhibited her association with Christianity.<\/p>\n

On the other hand, Scripture\u2019s tough on those who claim to follow Jesus but don\u2019t desire giving up the sin that held him to the Cross. In 1 Corinthians 5, Paul writes, \u201cI wrote to you in my letter not to associate with sexually immoral people \u2026 For what have I to do with judging outsiders? Is it not those inside the church whom you are to judge?\u201d (verses 9, 12). (Note: The original Greek word for \u201cjudge\u201d in this passage, krino<\/em>, refers to separating, or distinguishing right from wrong.)<\/p>\n

2. What\u2019s going on in my own heart?<\/h2>\n

Ask sincerely and prayerfully,<\/p>\n

Why do I want to confront my friend? <\/em>Do I feel any superiority to them? <\/em>(Check out 1 Corinthians 4:7<\/a>.) Do I love them enough to say something? If not, why not?<\/em><\/p>\n

Rather than shaming your friend, creating a sense of unworthiness<\/em> because of what they\u2019ve done\u2014guilt-exposure is much healthier.<\/p>\n

Shame will likely eliminate the opportunity to continue speaking into your friend\u2019s life. The fear of disconnection puts your friend in defensive, protective, or even destructive mode:<\/p>\n

Fine. I don\u2019t need you. I just wanted your support. <\/em>Or, If you\u2019d hop off the saddle of that moral high horse … <\/em>Or I feel kicked to the curb.<\/em><\/p>\n

Because, as pastor and author Timothy Keller points out, \u201cIf you are a sinner (but, by implication, I am not) then instead of having an actual discussion and placing myself genuinely in the path of your questions, I marginalize you.\u201d*<\/p>\n

But there are two additional, critical questions I ask:<\/p>\n