{"id":101038,"date":"2020-08-11T08:45:36","date_gmt":"2020-08-11T14:45:36","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/?p=101038"},"modified":"2025-02-12T14:22:51","modified_gmt":"2025-02-12T19:22:51","slug":"my-friends-parents-are-divorcing-how-can-i-help","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/articles\/topics\/faith\/essentials-faith\/reaching-out\/my-friends-parents-are-divorcing-how-can-i-help\/","title":{"rendered":"My Friend\u2019s Parents Are Divorcing. How Can I Help?"},"content":{"rendered":"
<\/div>

By the end of college, five of my closest friends had announced, \u201cMy parents are divorcing.\u201d My floral love seat bore witness to incalculable tears and conversations as their grief surfaced.<\/p>\n

Though I haven\u2019t personally known the pain of my family fracturing, I\u2019ve certainly walked alongside it.<\/p>\n

As numbers of \u201cgray divorce<\/a>\u201d ebb, we\u2019re watching more of our adult friends see their parents split. But it\u2019s a myth that the older the \u201cchild\u201d of divorce is, the easier it becomes. Sure, they don\u2019t have to swap houses every other week and live out of a suitcase, but their grief and adjustment are equally real.<\/p>\n

When your friend\u2019s parents are divorcing<\/h2>\n

It\u2019s an honor to be there for our friends, but a lack of personal experience can leave us insecure. We worry, I\u2019ve never been through this. I don\u2019t know how to help!<\/em><\/p>\n

In my pursuit of learning how to help friends whose parents are divorcing, I visited with author and speaker, Lauren Reitsema<\/a>. Having undergone her own parents\u2019 split as a teen, Lauren knows from experience and research what children of divorce crave as they adapt.<\/p>\n

In truth, it\u2019s your presence. Your willingness to help them shoulder this weight will help more than you realize. Here are a few ways you can best do this.<\/p>\n

1. Help them uncork the pain.<\/h3>\n

Pain is part of every divorce. But even if your friend\u2019s parents ended a toxic marriage, your friend probably isn\u2019t popping the apple cider to celebrate. In fact, as their parents are divorcing, your friend is likely experiencing \u201can identity fracture,\u201d as Lauren terms it.<\/p>\n

\u201c[Divorce] ultimately sets up a kid\u2019s life to be split,\u201d she said. \u201cTheir [parents have] an opportunity to form a new branch of a tree, but the child is always rooted between both.\u201d<\/p>\n

As their friend, you can grant permission to grieve. They\u2019re probably hearing a lot of messages contrary to how they feel, as Lauren was herself, such as, \u201cThis is the best decision for our family,\u201d and \u201cBuck up, buttercup.\u201d What\u2019s worse, Lauren shared, \u201cpeople generally have compassion on kids, but adults are assumed to be fine.\u201d<\/p>\n

People are nervous when comforting someone who\u2019s hurting. I remember not knowing what else to say to my friends aside from, \u201cI\u2019m so sorry!\u201d But as Lauren put it, \u201cWe have to be brave and say, \u2018I heard your parents are divorcing. I know this can\u2019t be easy and I don\u2019t have all the answers, but what I do have is my presence, and I want to share it with you.\u201d<\/p>\n

Help them get \u201cthrough it, not over it\u201d as Lauren likes to say.<\/p>\n

2. Help them in their relationship with their parents.<\/h3>\n

Not only is your friend navigating personal loss, they\u2019re traversing unfamiliar parent\/child dynamics. They may even be experiencing role reversal, feeling more like the parent than the child.<\/p>\n

Help them establish appropriate boundaries. If, for instance, a parent is excessively clingy or asking your friend to take sides, limiting contact can be helpful for a time. Lauren suggests expressing something like, \u201cI love you both and will always be in your corner \u2026 but here are some boundaries I need to help me come to grips with this.\u201d<\/p>\n

If it \u201cfits the occasion\u201d and gives \u201cgrace to those who hear,\u201d\u2014as all speech ought (see Ephesians 4:29<\/a>)\u2014 it\u2019s appropriate they voice their hurt to their parents. Asking, \u201cCan you help me understand why you’re calling it quits?\u201d opens the door for honest conversation.<\/p>\n

Regardless of how their parents respond, you can acknowledge pain and encourage grace. Remind them God, too, grieves the pain and loss of divorce. He is \u201cnear to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit,\u201d (Psalm 34:18). He asks us to \u201cbe kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you\u201d (Ephesians 4:32).  Help your friend recall their parents\u2019 humanity and need for grace.<\/p>\n

Receive more encouraging content like this delivered to your inbox!<\/i><\/span> <\/a> <\/div> <\/div>\n

3. Know what not<\/em> to say to a friend whose parents are divorcing.<\/h3>\n

Despite our well-meaning hearts, we can say the wrong thing. Shocker, I know. For instance, Lauren said we might accidentally trivialize their story by making it a statistic.<\/p>\n

Words like, \u201cThousands of people\u2019s parents are divorcing, too. They survive and are stronger for it,\u201d squelch your friend\u2019s freedom to process. Lauren was also adamant that it\u2019s disrespectful to assume we know the ins and outs of their parents\u2019 motives. Although you are close friends, it\u2019s not your place to invade their family\u2019s privacy.<\/p>\n

\u201cGive generous assumptions, not negative ones, and don\u2019t be an expert where you\u2019re not. Be a good friend,\u201d she said.<\/p>\n

4. Help your friend recreate a divorce-free legacy.<\/h3>\n

When parents are divorcing, it can impact the children\u2019s view of marriage.<\/p>\n

On one hand, your friend might be determined, even optimistic, that they\u2019ll never put their own children through this. Unfortunately, statistics show those who\u2019ve seen a pattern of divorce are more likely to repeat it.<\/p>\n

But Lauren herself is a testament that no one is doomed to repeat someone else\u2019s actions. She wisely noted, \u201cI have to fight every day for my marriage \u2026 to not repeat the gross stuff that legacy has given me, but also to repeat the amazing stuff.\u201d<\/p>\n

You can assist them in clinging to the good and discarding the unhelpful. Lauren said even seemingly small generational habits, like sarcastic digs at the dinner table, don\u2019t have to continue in their family. By the Lord\u2019s grace, generational change is possible.<\/p>\n

On the other hand, your friend might be single, stiff-arming any idea of marriage. Lauren passionately encourages them to see how, \u201cthe institution of marriage is not the problem. It\u2019s patterns and people that are the problem. Don\u2019t look at marriage and say, \u2018If I never get married, I\u2019m going to be fine.\u2019 That actually robs you of so much blessing. It\u2019s more about saying \u2018How am I going to do marriage? How am I going to act as a spouse? \u2026 Serve? \u2026 Love? \u2026 Forgive? \u2026 Lay down my pride?\u2019\u201d<\/p>\n

Your presence matters<\/h2>\n

When my friends\u2019 parents were divorcing, we drank lots of tea. Took lots of walks. We cried lots of tears and ate lots of snacks. And we prayed a lot.<\/p>\n

I\u2019m sure I didn\u2019t say all of the right things or do as much as I could have, and neither will you. But I know my presence mattered. Lending time, a listening ear, and truthful words during this unique fracture in their life is a beautiful way to love your friend.<\/p>\n

\n

Copyright \u00a9 2020 by FamilyLife. All rights reserved.<\/em><\/p>\n

Lauren Miller serves on staff with FamilyLife as a writer in Little Rock, Arkansas, though she\u2019ll always be a California girl. She graduated from Biola University and the Torrey Honors Institute where the Lord first planted in her a love for family and marriage ministry. As a single, she loves serving the youth at her church, watching British dramas, and reading a good book in her free time.<\/p>\n

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