{"id":101019,"date":"2020-08-06T15:38:51","date_gmt":"2020-08-06T21:38:51","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/?p=101019"},"modified":"2020-08-06T15:38:51","modified_gmt":"2020-08-06T21:38:51","slug":"is-my-marriage-over","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/articles\/topics\/marriage\/staying-married\/is-my-marriage-over\/","title":{"rendered":"Is My Marriage Over?"},"content":{"rendered":"
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It\u2019s an agonizing, daunting place to be\u2014perhaps one of slammed doors. Tense voices. Tears dripping from your jaw when you\u2019re alone. Somehow you\u2019re asking the question that never flitted through your mind when your rings were shiny, eyes dreamy: Is my marriage over? <\/em><\/p>\n

The relationship around which your universe once spun now feels like a black hole of dread. Fear. Vulnerability.<\/p>\n

If you\u2019re asking \u201cIs my marriage over?\u201d it likely means two gritty realities.<\/p>\n

First<\/em>, things have gotten bad. Maybe emails have been uncovered. An addiction has taken a grave turn. The consequences of one spouse\u2019s mental illness threaten a child. A distressing relational pattern shows no signs of ending. Or maybe you\u2019re just miserable and haven\u2019t felt truly happy for months, years. Or your spouse has decided to throw in the marital towel.<\/p>\n

Something makes you wonder if the horror of ending this, of getting a divorce, could somehow be better than the horror you\u2019re in.<\/p>\n

Second<\/em>, you\u2019re looking for something that says, There\u2019s still hope here.<\/em> Some part of you, however small, isn\u2019t sure you want this marriage to die.<\/p>\n

What can you do?<\/p>\n

\u201cIs my marriage over?\u201d The first step to turning a bad marriage around<\/h2>\n

The first step to turning a bad marriage around? A determination to stubborn, committed love. Even if you\u2019re the only one.<\/p>\n

You may ask, Can a marriage change if only one person wants it?<\/em><\/p>\n

Try it this way: Have you ever known someone who\u2019s loved a difficult person, and thus created something breathtaking? Not a doormat. Not a shrinking violet. But strong, volitional, unflinching love?<\/p>\n

It\u2019s within the husband bringing soup to his bed-ridden, depressed wife. The wife who quietly refuses to let her husband bulldoze her. The husband who shows up for counseling at his wife\u2019s rehab.<\/p>\n

In A Loving Life: In a World of Broken Relationships,<\/em> author Paul Miller writes of what he dubs \u201cstubborn love\u201d:<\/p>\n

Once we discover that the other person is deeply flawed, we often pull back, thinking everything is wrong. A bad marriage is one where neither spouse does the hard work of love. But as soon as one spouse begins to do hesed<\/em> [steadfast, one-way love without an exit strategy], the bad marriage disappears. (I\u2019m not saying this marriage is easy; just that it isn\u2019t somehow intrinsically flawed.) We are left with the good challenge of loving a difficult spouse.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Miller insists death to self and ego is at the center of love. Sometimes that death is as simple as reaching for her hand after arguing. Or it\u2019s choosing \u201cus\u201d over the thing between you. Or it\u2019s forgiveness after the unspeakable. (Ligon Duncan wrote, \u201cPeople don\u2019t fall out of love. They fall out of repentance and forgiveness.\u201d)<\/p>\n

The love stories we gobble up in movies or which leave us amazed in real life all boast a common characteristic: They overcome. They are Velveteen relationships of sorts. Through enduring, they become real.<\/p>\n

An ancient, unwavering brand of love<\/h2>\n

Take an example from the Old Testament book of Hosea. God delivers a mystifying command delivered to the eponymous Hosea: In order to create a picture of God\u2019s relationship with an idol-worshiping Israel, Hosea\u2019s told to marry a hooker (see 1:2\u2014you can\u2019t make this stuff up).<\/p>\n

Perhaps no rocket scientist is necessary to predict Hosea\u2019s wife doesn\u2019t cease her dallying when her husband provides a faithful, safe home for her. It\u2019s not clear if their children are his.<\/p>\n

But the overarching narrative of the book, rather than a justified divorce, is one of God\u2019s continued, insistent love for His own people (2:14-23). Eventually, the biblical narrative reveals God will go 100% of the way to rescue His Bride, His people. In fact, He will soon go so far as to die for them.<\/p>\n

It is entirely possible for one person\u2019s commitment, one person\u2019s returning of kindness for unending insults, one person\u2019s dogged persistence to get the help this relationship desperately needs to alter the state of a marriage. It may be the labor of a lifetime\u2014but it can be a beautiful, unsung way to engage your life.<\/p>\n

And somewhere within, it\u2019s the retelling of God\u2019s own dauntless love story.<\/p>\n

It\u2019s not a life without boundaries, or a life throwing fate to the wind. Yes, marriage is trust. But it\u2019s not primarily trust in your spouse.<\/p>\n

It\u2019s a lifetime of leaning on God like so many others in horrific circumstances: The biblical Abigail. Ruth. Sarah. And yes, Hosea. You have an omnipotent co-signer, a safety net even in exquisitely painful places.<\/p>\n

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What love isn\u2019t<\/h2>\n

What this isn\u2019t<\/em>: \u201cJust hang on. You can love your spouse out of that abuse or addiction or affair.\u201d<\/p>\n

Sometimes, a separation with the end goal of genuine reconciliation is how we break slavery to disastrous patterns with statistically grave recidivism. (See \u201cAre you in an Abusive Relationship?\u201d<\/a>)<\/p>\n

What this is<\/em>: Confusing neither love nor marriage with happiness, met expectations, and fulfillment.<\/p>\n

For those of us with kids, getting a divorce from them would generally be unthinkable\u2014even in a miserable season lasting years. It wouldn\u2019t be an option even if they committed a crime. But somehow, we qualify marriage\u2019s brand of love differently\u2014as worthy of less long-suffering, less sacrifice.<\/p>\n

What would you do if divorce wasn\u2019t one of your options?<\/p>\n

Your marriage is a thousand daily, grinding decisions toward the hard work of love: when asking about your spouse\u2019s day. When you\u2019re disciplining your kids (but disagreeing on how to do it). When picking up your spouse\u2019s jeans \u2026 again. When you\u2019re agreeing on a movie, or one of you has a crappy day. When choosing to ignore that flirty social media message from an old flame.<\/p>\n

That slowly healing marriage is a thousand decisions that choose to love as God loves. Choosing someone else\u2019s lives in place of our own. Setting aside rights, status, the love and honor we deserve. And wrapping ourselves in the realities of tenacious love instead.<\/p>\n

What if \u201cIs my marriage over?\u201d is the wrong question?<\/h2>\n

So when asking, \u201cIs my marriage over?\u201d start with what you can<\/em> answer.<\/p>\n