{"id":100630,"date":"2020-07-22T09:17:32","date_gmt":"2020-07-22T15:17:32","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/?p=100630"},"modified":"2020-07-22T09:17:32","modified_gmt":"2020-07-22T15:17:32","slug":"real-love-vs-fake-love-what-does-real-love-look-like","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/articles\/topics\/marriage\/staying-married\/real-love-vs-fake-love-what-does-real-love-look-like\/","title":{"rendered":"Real Love vs. Fake Love: What Does Real Love Look Like?"},"content":{"rendered":"
<\/div>

Ever noticed when people talk about real love\u2014they seem to be describing fake love?<\/p>\n

You make me happy all the time.\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

Love means never having to say you\u2019re sorry.<\/em><\/p>\n

We never fight.<\/em><\/p>\n

He loves me like I am. I never need to change.<\/em><\/p>\n

I\u2019m following my heart.<\/em><\/p>\n

I could never be annoyed with you.<\/em><\/p>\n

In fact, a TV drama recently set off my baloney-meter. A character was talking about how he knew he was still in love with his wife by the way his stomach still did flip-flops when she walked in.<\/p>\n

Hmm. Call me a cynic, or maybe just deprived of that level of marriage, but stay with me.<\/p>\n

Scientifically, the first flush of passion lasts two to three years at maximum. Heart-pounding first love inevitably dissolves.\u00a0And even the body\u2019s chemical reaction to sex changes. New, exciting sex causes a boost of phenyl ethylamine and epinephrine (a.k.a. adrenaline), delivering a high similar to that of crack cocaine (no lie!).<\/p>\n

So let\u2019s step back for a minute from the Top 40, Nicholas Sparks novels, and rom-coms. Is that flush of emotion a sure-fire indicator of \u201creal love\u201d?<\/p>\n

Do you \u201creal-love\u201d me?<\/h2>\n

My friend Mindi told me a story about when she and her husband, Hayden, were dating during college. They spent a lot of time traveling in his old Ford Escape since both of their families lived a couple of hours away.<\/p>\n

Their relationship carried that sheen of new excitement. It was that first-love emotional cocktail which, should it ever be bottled, would make someone a millionaire. As Hayden\u2019s car rattled down the road, they\u2019d talk about dreams, childhoods, likes and dislikes\u2014anything, just like enraptured, enamored couples everywhere.<\/p>\n

\u201cI thought it was so sweet that he just wanted to talk and get to know me more,\u201d Mindi said.<\/p>\n

After dating almost a year, they were chatting away, meandering down some highway, trees whipping by. Hayden suddenly turned to her and said for the first time, \u201cMindi, I love you!\u201d<\/p>\n

Her not-to-forget-but-definitely-regret response: \u201cDo you?\u201d<\/p>\n

Ouch.\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

They laugh about this moment now, but that day it caused a lot of hurt.<\/p>\n

The truth: Mindi did feel love for Hayden then. She just knew those feelings weren\u2019t love as the Bible defines it. As unromantic as it sounds, she wanted to make sure Hayden was committed to going deeper than the emotions of excitement and passion that inevitably evaporate\u2014i.e., fake love.<\/p>\n

She was really asking: \u201cDo you commit to real-loving me?\u201d<\/p>\n

Will the real love please stand up<\/h2>\n

Bob Lepine<\/a> writes in his new book, Love Like You Mean It<\/em>:\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

To me, saying \u201cI love you,\u201d to someone was essentially the same as saying, \u201cI enjoy your company and I like the way I feel when I\u2019m with you and I hope you\u2019ll stop dating other people and agree to date me exclusively so I can keep feeling this way until I get tired of you.\u201d I was clearly attaching a shallow meaning to a deep word.\u00a0<\/em><\/p><\/blockquote>\n

(Thank you, Bob, for exonerating Mindi. Sort of.)<\/p>\n

He continues,<\/p>\n

Most of us got married because of how our spouse made us feel when we were together. We liked the feeling. So we said \u201cI\u2019ll move in and wear a ring and share a house payment and have kids with you\u2014as long as you keep making me feel that way.\u201d\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

\u2026 Most of us get married to get, not to give.\u00a0<\/em><\/p><\/blockquote>\n

C.S. Lewis would seem to agree. In Mere Christianity<\/em>, Lewis remarks that like anything else in life\u2014like learning to fly a plane in the armed forces, for example\u2014the thrills come at the beginning. \u201cThe thrill you feel on first seeing some delightful place dies away when you really go to live there,\u201d he explains. But when that breathlessness of a new relationship or the brand of affection we read about in fiction fades, we think we must have fake love.<\/p>\n

And therefore, we must deserve a change.<\/p>\n

Receive more encouraging content like this delivered to your inbox!<\/i><\/span> <\/a> <\/div> <\/div>\n

The love litmus test<\/h2>\n

Lepine\u2019s book dives into the definition of real love\u2014as might have been read aloud when the two of you wore the tux and the dress, giddy and candlelit; it\u2019s that Bible-defined love Mindi was looking for on that car ride with Hayden. He examines the opening verses of 1 Corinthians 13<\/a> as the love litmus test we\u2019ve all wondered about.<\/p>\n

In the killer opener of this chapter, awash in hyperbole, the Apostle Paul presents scenarios where people perform monumentally impressive or sacrificial acts\u2014but don\u2019t have love.\u00a0The assessment is startling: Those people have nothing. Have gained nothing.<\/p>\n

Lepine writes,<\/p>\n

Here\u2019s the formula Paul is proposing: Extraordinary giftedness \u2013 Agape love = Nothing.\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

Let that sink in for a minute.\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

\u2026 What that means for marriage is clear. You can be a responsible, charming, attractive, fun-loving, successful, intelligent, respected individual, admired and esteemed by everyone. You can be, by all standards, an ideal spouse. But if your marriage is not fueled by a strong and durable commitment to sacrificially love your mate, it\u2019s not a Christian marriage. It\u2019s a fa\u00e7ade.<\/em><\/p><\/blockquote>\n

What love doesn\u2019t say<\/h2>\n

Translation: Love isn\u2019t defined by all the feels. By existing in a vacuum of happiness or never having to apologize. By smooth sailing in your relationship (\u201cWe never argue!\u201d).<\/p>\n

In fact, that kind of “love” may be the most fake\u2014because it doesn\u2019t do the hard, committed work of genuine love.<\/p>\n

Instead, the verses elaborate on the indicators lighting up real love: Patience. Kindness. Humility. Generosity. Gentleness. Virtuosity. Honesty. Tenacity. Resilience.<\/p>\n

Here\u2019s what those verses don\u2019t say:<\/p>\n

Love is emotion. It feels goooood. It accomplishes its own dreams.\u00a0<\/em>Love never argues, never lays down what it truly wants, never hamstrings its personal comfort or convenience. It is good-looking in all things (faking when necessary); protective of one\u2019s time, energy, career, and future; it makes sure others pull their weight. Love always says whatever it\u2019s thinking.<\/em><\/p>\n

Love sticks around till emotion do us part.<\/em><\/p>\n

Real love: Start here<\/h2>\n

If you\u2019re wondering if Mindi ever said \u201cI love you\u201d back \u2026 she did!<\/p>\n

Now married, Hayden and Mindi are learning to real-love each other every day.<\/p>\n

Spoiler: Aside from those first few years, genuine love is frequently counter to what comes naturally for anyone. But real-love marriage is less about us and more about Christ, the Ultimate Model of Love.<\/p>\n

After all, \u201cBy this we know love, that he laid down his life for us, and we ought to lay down our lives\u201d (1 John 3:16).<\/p>\n

If this is true\u2014that genuine love is revealed in its sacrifice for the other (its patience, kindness, humility, etc.)\u2014real love is a gut-punch to its imitations.<\/p>\n

Personal happiness and self-actualization as goals rarely deliver. Our naive expectations lead us to fragile, exacting relationships. When they fail, we’re left jaded and resentful.<\/p>\n

The path to intimacy, fulfillment, partnership, and even the emotion we seek traffics directly through self-death\u2014desiring the true good of the other. As Lepine clarifies, \u201cWith real love, self is not ignored. But it takes a back seat to helping your spouse flourish.\u201d<\/p>\n

Want to know if your love is real? If it first aims to honor God then your spouse, you\u2019ve got the makings of a love that lasts.<\/p>\n

\n

Copyright \u00a9 2020 Janel Breitenstein. All rights reserved.<\/em><\/p>\n

Janel Breitenstein is an author, freelance writer, speaker, and frequent contributor for FamilyLife, including Passport2Identity\u00ae, Art of Parenting\u00ae, and regular articles. After five and a half years in East Africa, her family of six has returned to Colorado, where they continue to work on behalf of the poor with Engineering Ministries International. Her book, Permanent Markers: Spiritual Life Skills for Work-in-Progress Families <\/em>(Zondervan), releases March 2021. You can find her\u2014\u201cThe Awkward Mom\u201d\u2014having uncomfortable, important conversations at JanelBreitenstein.com, and on Instagram @janelbreit.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

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