{"id":100344,"date":"2020-07-09T13:30:41","date_gmt":"2020-07-09T19:30:41","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/?p=100344"},"modified":"2020-07-09T13:30:41","modified_gmt":"2020-07-09T19:30:41","slug":"my-spouse-wants-me-to-get-off-my-phone-breaking-a-technology-addiction","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/equip\/my-spouse-wants-me-to-get-off-my-phone-breaking-a-technology-addiction\/","title":{"rendered":"\u2018My spouse wants me to get off my phone!\u2019 Breaking a Technology Addiction"},"content":{"rendered":"
<\/div>

At what point does a habit become an addiction? American adults touch their phones, on average, 2,500 times daily<\/a>, spending 325 hours monthly on media consumption. For perspective, that\u2019s likely a whopping 67% of your waking hours. With your life\u2019s needs, from the weather to social connection, maybe you\u2019re thinking, I don\u2019t even know <\/em>how I could break a technology addiction.<\/em><\/p>\n

Or maybe you assume you fall on the spectrum of \u201cnormal.\u201d Is the time you spend on your phone really that damaging?<\/p>\n

Fact: There is now an official \u201cInternet Addiction Disorder.\u201d And one in eight Americans is said to \u201csuffer from problematic internet use.\u201d It\u2019s been shown to inflict chemical changes on the brain similar to substance abuse\u2014contributing to anxiety, depression, impulsiveness, materialism, social phobia, and sleep problems.<\/p>\n

So \u2026 damaging? Quite possibly. And like any addiction, it\u2019s likely your spouse notices\u2014and is affected\u2014most.<\/p>\n

Your wife called. She thinks you have a phone addiction.<\/h2>\n

A friend of mine explained the pain and straight up anger she encountered after speaking with her husband one night. After a long day, she recounted to him what had gone wrong in a plague of daily events. Then, phone in hand, he erupted in laughter.<\/p>\n

\u201cI was even angrier when he explained he wasn\u2019t laughing at me. His friend had texted him something funny,\u201d she relayed to me, along with her desire to toss his phone in the garbage disposal.<\/p>\n

Her face-to-face presence\u2014over something that mattered to her\u2014had been trumped by the entertainment of cyber-presence.<\/p>\n

I doubt any of us are innocent in this matter (I am not!). How many times have we shared on social media rather than sharing eye contact? Or tuned out kids to tune into our phones?<\/p>\n

So perhaps Am I addicted?<\/em> isn\u2019t the only question we should be asking. But also, What kind of life do I want to be living?<\/em> What kind of connections could define my life?<\/p>\n

And more pointedly, How do I break a phone addiction? <\/em>Some tips:<\/p>\n

1. Technology addiction: identify the bait.<\/h3>\n

Most addictions begin with a similar cause: a desire to relieve a form of stress. And like any trap ready to clench, addiction is baited with appeal.<\/p>\n

Consider how someone might begin an addiction to, say, cigarettes. What does that cylinder of nicotine deliver long before a chemical stimulant? For a 13-year-old, smoking might well mean acceptance, even rebellion. Independence. Freedom.<\/p>\n

Author Tish Harrison Warren realized her phone stanched \u201ca steady resistance to and dread of boredom.\u201d Looking at her phone first thing in the morning, \u201cMy day was imprinted by technology. And like a mountain lion cub attached to her humans, I\u2019d look for all good things to come from glowing screens\u201d[1].<\/p>\n

If you don\u2019t understand the \u201cwhy\u201d beneath your smartphone\u2019s animal magnetism\u2014the bait turning your eyes from your spouse\u2014you\u2019ll only move from one trap to the next.<\/p>\n

Author John Piper isolates six reasons we turn to our phones first thing in the morning:<\/a> the \u201ccandy\u201d of novelty (what\u2019s shocking? Intriguing? Cute?), ego (approval, mentions, likes, traffic), or entertainment. Or we might be avoiding boredom, responsibility, or hardship. Maybe you thrive on productivity\u2014and beneath it, the myth that you are what you accomplish.<\/p>\n

Start with your phone\u2019s screen-time report. What apps do you utilize? When responding to a notification, what underlying itch does that scratch?<\/p>\n

We often choose instant, faux gratification rather than the richness of connecting with God or each other.<\/p>\n

Receive more encouraging content like this delivered to your inbox!<\/i><\/span> <\/a> <\/div> <\/div>\n

2. Realize what your screen habits rob from your life (and your spouse\u2019s).<\/h3>\n

Often, time on our phones connects indirectly to identity. We find worth in our influence, in our security via information or vigilance (hello, incessant headlines), in what others think of us, in our constant productivity.<\/p>\n

So beneath that spouse-trumping technology addiction lies a desire for something more than the relationships around us, marriage included. In a sense, we begin to inordinately trust our phones in ways we would normally trust God Himself: His security. His declaration that Jesus has done enough. We are no longer defined by our contributions. His statement of our worth (by being made in His image, and declared priceless because of Christ\u2019s sacrifice in our place).<\/p>\n

Your phone may help deliver groceries. But it will never fully deliver what you crave.<\/p>\n

So when we\u2019re looking for satisfaction elsewhere\u2014apart from the Water that never leaves us thirsty (John 4:13-14)\u2014our unquenched desires swell disproportionately, leading to a life disordered.<\/p>\n

And our spouses feel what\u2019s robbed by those insatiable, driving thirsts. We\u2019re no longer \u201call there\u201d for the people we care about. Our love is no longer \u201csincere\u201d (Romans 12:9), because our minds are distracted, duplicitous. (Check out \u201c5 Ideas to Keep Technology From Replacing Relationships<\/a>.\u201d)<\/p>\n

Authors John and Stasi Eldredge note, “The gift of presence is a rare and beautiful gift. To come\u2015unguarded, undistracted\u2015and be fully present, fully engaged with whoever we are with at that moment. When we offer our unguarded presence, we live like Jesus”[2].<\/p>\n

Presence is a precious form of love. Imagine if Jesus, who \u201cbecame flesh and blood and moved into the neighborhood\u201d (John 1:14, MSG), had been content to sort of <\/em>engage with humanity.<\/p>\n

3. \u201cHow can I get off my phone?\u201d New habits start here.<\/h3>\n

Wondering how you could start managing your cell phone\u2014for the sake of yourself and your marriage\u2014rather than the other way around? A few ideas to break phone addiction.<\/p>\n

    \n
  • You\u2019ve heard of a weight-loss plan. Develop a personal screen-loss plan\u2014complete with goals, rewards, and consequences.<\/li>\n
  • Turn off phone notifications except those most urgent.<\/li>\n
  • Install screen-time limiting features or apps on your phone.<\/li>\n
  • Start with a half day per week to routinely fast from your phone (Sundays, perhaps?). Refuse to check social media. Inform friends who may be concerned by your lack of online presence. (Bonus: This provides added accountability.)<\/li>\n
  • While traveling, choose periods of silence rather than listening to music, podcasts, audio books, or making phone calls. Train your brain to be okay with your own thoughts.<\/li>\n
  • Don\u2019t multitask on your phone while watching TV or movies.<\/li>\n
  • Deposit your phone in a bowl or basket when you enter the house (or at least during mealtime), checking it once per hour.<\/li>\n
  • Choose not to check your phone while in the presence of others. (People in front of you have priority over online presence.)<\/li>\n
  • Refuse to check your phone within one hour of sleeping and rising\u2014unless tied to your spiritual disciplines.<\/li>\n
  • Remove social media from your phone.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n

    Real life starts right here<\/h2>\n

    It\u2019s more difficult to fight an addiction when you\u2019re only removing, not adding, pleasure. As author Timothy Keller notes, \u201cChange happens not just by giving the mind new arguments but also by feeding the imagination new beauties\u201d[3]<\/p>\n

    So imagine a life and marriage untethered to your phone. What could your mind and emotions look like without the frenzy of headlines? What could your contentment (\u2026 and shared budget) look like if you only ordered every two weeks from Amazon or eBay? What could your marriage look like if extended beyond texts to a cup of coffee with your phone out of reach?<\/p>\n

    What could your presence with your kids, spouse, God look like if you had 10 extra hours a week, uncluttered by your device?<\/p>\n

    Because we\u2019ll only experience freedom from technology addiction when our phones are dethroned. Will we believe relationships, a genuinely satisfied identity, and a calm mind are infinitely more important?<\/p>\n

     <\/p>\n

    Notes:<\/p>\n

    \n[1] Warren, Tish Harrison. Liturgy of the Ordinary<\/em>.<\/p>\n

    [2] Eldredge, John and Stasi. Captivating: Unveiling the Mystery of a Woman\u2019s Soul. <\/em><\/p>\n

    [3] Keller, Timothy. Preaching: Communicating Faith in an Age of Skepticism<\/em>.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

    \n

    Copyright \u00a9 2020 Janel Breitenstein. All rights reserved.<\/em><\/p>\n

    Janel Breitenstein is an author, freelance writer, speaker, and frequent contributor for FamilyLife, including Passport2Identity\u00ae, Art of Parenting\u00ae, and regular articles. After five and a half years in East Africa, her family of six has returned to Colorado, where they continue to work on behalf of the poor with Engineering Ministries International. Her book, Permanent Markers: Spiritual Life Skills for Work-in-Progress Families <\/em>(Zondervan), releases March 2021. You can find her\u2014\u201cThe Awkward Mom\u201d\u2014having uncomfortable, important conversations at JanelBreitenstein.com, and on Instagram @janelbreit.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

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