{"id":318725,"date":"2026-11-10T01:00:00","date_gmt":"2026-11-10T06:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/%series%\/reconnecting-with-an-adult-child-jim-burns-ron-deal\/"},"modified":"2026-11-10T05:48:30","modified_gmt":"2026-11-10T10:48:30","slug":"reconnecting-with-an-adult-child-jim-burns-ron-deal","status":"publish","type":"podcast","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/reconnecting-with-an-adult-child-jim-burns-ron-deal\/","title":{"rendered":"Reconnecting with an Adult Child: Jim Burns &#038; Ron Deal"},"content":{"rendered":"<p>One wrong comment at dinner, and your grown kid shuts down. Again. Now you&#8217;re rehearsing every word, wondering if you&#8217;ll ever be close. Authors Jim Burns and Ron Deal tackle reconnecting with adult child relationships strained by disagreements, broken trust, and old wounds. On FamilyLife Today with Dave and Ann Wilson, discover why trying harder to fix your kid might actually push them further away.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Your grown kid keeps pulling away. Now what? On FamilyLife Today with Dave and Ann Wilson, Jim Burns and Ron Deal tackle reconnecting with an adult child.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":47000,"featured_media":295627,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"inline_featured_image":false,"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","episode_type":"","audio_file":"https:\/\/traffic.omny.fm\/d\/clips\/cbd16f10-ac60-4f09-b4df-b15400ce35aa\/33aaac7e-3581-4e21-a3df-b154011ba58c\/167bf354-7727-48cc-b36a-b4eb00cbbd8d\/audio.mp3","podmotor_file_id":"","podmotor_episode_id":"","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"00:24:55","filesize":"22.85M","filesize_raw":"","date_recorded":"","explicit":"","block":""},"categories":[2921],"tags":[],"podcast_series":[11579],"cwp_profile":[8798],"series":[2101],"class_list":["post-318725","podcast","type-podcast","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-blended-family","podcast_series-when-your-adult-child-walks-away-jim-burns-ron-deal","cwp_profile-jim-burns","series-familylife-today"],"acf":[],"episode_featured_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Cover_1024x1024.jpg?w=1024","episode_player_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2023\/02\/image-scaled.jpg","download_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-download\/318725\/reconnecting-with-an-adult-child-jim-burns-ron-deal","player_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-player\/318725\/reconnecting-with-an-adult-child-jim-burns-ron-deal","audio_player":null,"episode_data":{"playerMode":"light","subscribeUrls":{"apple_podcasts":{"key":"apple_podcasts","url":"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303?mt=2&app=podcast","label":"Apple Podcasts","class":"apple_podcasts","icon":"apple-podcasts.png"},"google_podcasts":{"key":"google_podcasts","url":"","label":"Google Podcasts","class":"google_podcasts","icon":"google-podcasts.png"},"spotify":{"key":"spotify","url":"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm","label":"Spotify","class":"spotify","icon":"spotify.png"},"youtube":{"key":"youtube","url":"","label":"YouTube","class":"youtube","icon":"youtube.png"}},"rssFeedUrl":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/feed\/podcast\/familylife-today","embedCode":"<blockquote class=\"wp-embedded-content\" data-secret=\"W2l8Ka5VzA\"><a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/reconnecting-with-an-adult-child-jim-burns-ron-deal\/\">Reconnecting with an Adult Child: Jim Burns &#038; Ron Deal<\/a><\/blockquote><iframe sandbox=\"allow-scripts\" security=\"restricted\" src=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/reconnecting-with-an-adult-child-jim-burns-ron-deal\/embed\/#?secret=W2l8Ka5VzA\" width=\"500\" height=\"350\" title=\"&#8220;Reconnecting with an Adult Child: Jim Burns &#038; Ron Deal&#8221; &#8212; FamilyLife\u00ae - A Cru Ministry\" data-secret=\"W2l8Ka5VzA\" frameborder=\"0\" marginwidth=\"0\" marginheight=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\" class=\"wp-embedded-content\"><\/iframe><script>\n\/*! 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href=\"https:\/\/homeword.com\/product\/when-your-adult-child-strays\/\">Jim Burns' book, When Your Adult Child Strays: Trading Heartache for Hope<\/a>.<\/li>\n<li><a href=\"https:\/\/homeword.com\/shop\/\">Jim Burns' book, Doing Life with Your Adult Children: Keep Your Mouth Shut and the Welcome Mat Out<\/a>.<\/li>\n<li><a href=\"https:\/\/homeword.com\/product\/online-course-when-your-adult-child-strays\/\">Jim Burns' When Your Adult Child Strays digital course<\/a>.<\/li>\n<li><a href=\"https:\/\/homeword.com\/\">Connect with author and HomeWord founder Jim Burns<\/a>.<\/li>\n<li><a href=\"https:\/\/www.familylife.com\/profiles\/ron-deal\/\">Connect with FamilyLife Blended director and author Ron Deal<\/a>.<\/li>\n<li><a href=\"https:\/\/www.familylife.com\/podcast\/familylife-blended-podcast\/192-jim-burns-when-adult-children-stray\/\">FamilyLife Blended podcast: Jim Burns, When Adult Children Stray<\/a>.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<hr>\n<ul>\n<li>Thanks to the Christian Standard Bible for sponsoring this episode. Learn more at <a href=\"https:\/\/CSBible.com\">CSBible.com<\/a>.<\/li>\n<li>Follow us on all social platforms: <a href=\"https:\/\/www.facebook.com\/familylifeministry\">Facebook<\/a> | <a href=\"https:\/\/www.instagram.com\/familylife.today\/\">Instagram<\/a> | <a href=\"https:\/\/www.youtube.com\/playlist?list=PLSzse1nmlqbLhDx5FpGVDgLmxy1rmQBau\">YouTube<\/a><\/li>\n<li>Find resources from our podcast at <a href=\"https:\/\/shop.familylife.com\/product-category\/radio-resources\/\">shop.familylife.com<\/a>.<\/li>\n<li>Download <a href=\"https:\/\/www.familylife.com\/app\/\">FamilyLife's app<\/a>!<\/li>\n<li>Help others find FamilyLife. Leave a review on <a href=\"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303\">Apple Podcast<\/a> or <a href=\"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm?si=d6dfa8d2415f4750\">Spotify<\/a>.<\/li>\n<li>Check out all the FamilyLife's podcasts on the <a href=\"https:\/\/www.familylife.com\/familylife-podcast-network\/\">FamilyLife Podcast Network.<\/a><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n\n"],"transcript_content":["\nFamilyLife Today\u00ae with Dave and Ann Wilson - Web Version Transcript\r\n\r\nThis content has been generated by an artificial intelligence language model. While we strive for accuracy and quality, please note that the information provided will most likely not be entirely error-free or up-to-date. We recommend independently verifying the content with the originally-released audio. This transcript is provided for your personal use and general information purposes only. References to conferences, resources, or other special promotions may be obsolete. We do not assume any responsibility or liability for the use or interpretation of this content.\r\n\r\nReconnecting with an Adult Child\r\n\r\nGuests:Jim Burns and Ron Deal\r\n\r\nFrom the series:Child Walks Away (Day 2 of 3)\r\n\r\nAir date:November 10, 2026\r\n\r\nRon (00:04):\r\n\r\nI think a lot of parents feel like, \"I have no power. I keep trying to talk to my kid.\" Well, you're anxiously pursuing them, trying to change them. That's eroding your power. Your power is in waiting. Your power is in being calm. Your power is in being receiving and having something attractive. This is how you have to play it. Otherwise, you just don't have any influence at all.\r\n\r\nAnn (00:33):\r\n\r\nWelcome to FamilyLife Today, where we want to help you pursue the relationships that matter most. I'm Ann Wilson.\r\n\r\nDave (00:39):\r\n\r\nAnd I'm Dave Wilson, and you can find us at FamilyLifeToday.com. This is FamilyLife Today.\r\n\r\nAll right, we got Jim Burns back in the studio to talk about When Your Adult Child Strays\u2014\r\n\r\nAnn (00:58):\r\n\r\nHey, but listen to the subtitle, Trading Heartache for Hope. And I know if you've walked through any kind of situation with an adult child that's maybe strayed or living a lifestyle or just it's not going well with your kids in your home, this is going to be a great program to listen to.\r\n\r\nDave (01:17):\r\n\r\nAnd maybe you're in a blended situation, so we're bringing Ron Deal in and he's going to bring some real insight to this conversation. So welcome Ron and Jim, and let's go. You talked about a one topic parent.\r\n\r\nJim (01:35):\r\n\r\nYeah.\r\n\r\nDave (01:36):\r\n\r\nWhat do you think of a no topic parent? Here's what I mean. There's certain areas that we have realized with our adult kids at the dinner table, whatever, don't bring it up. We disagree. Why talk about it? A lot of it's political or whatever. It's just like, it's not worth it.\r\n\r\nAnn (01:52):\r\n\r\nAnd our kids are all different theologically too. They're all in different places.\r\n\r\nDave (01:56):\r\n\r\nAnd I'm not saying you can't have conflict and have a rich conversation, but we've realized, you know what? It doesn't end well.\r\n\r\nJim (02:02):\r\n\r\nOh, you're talking about Thanksgiving in the Burns household. \r\n\r\nDave:\r\n\r\nReally? \r\n\r\nJim:\r\n\r\nOne of our daughters who has a very different view than some of the others of us with the political thing. I said, \u201cHey, you guys, I think we need to have a no rule. It's a no politics conversation at the dinner table.\u201d And we haven't because we're going to agree to disagree and we're going to respect each other. And in our family, we're going to have some of these things, but it's not going to get in the way of our relationship.\r\n\r\nDave (02:26):\r\n\r\nRight. Yeah. I mean, it started in ours because I would always violate it. We hadn't really talked about it yet and we have adult and our oldest is 40 now. And I don't know, they were over, this was years ago. And I just made some comment, and Ann just looks at me like, \"What in the world?\" And I just realized, do not go there. Why talk about it? So there are certain topics you still think, \"I love you.\" And I think they know it too. It's like, \"We don't need to talk about it. Let's be father and son.\"\r\n\r\nAnn (02:53):\r\n\r\nIt's better not to.\r\n\r\nJim (02:53):\r\n\r\nNo, no, I agree with you. And by the way, politics is one of the major things that move in estrangement. As parents, I don't think it's worth us trying to convince them, but you don't understand. I mean, they actually voted for this person, or they voted for that person. And you kind of have to go, does that really matter?\r\n\r\nDave (03:11):\r\n\r\nHey, so let's bring Ron Deal in. You know Ron, he directs our blended ministry here and he's been listening to our conversation. And first thing I'd say is, Ron, welcome and give us a thought or a question. I know the way you think, man, you've probably got 18 questions lined up.\r\n\r\nRon (03:29):\r\n\r\nYep. I got three pages of paper right here with questions.\r\n\r\nDave (03:31):\r\n\r\nI bet you do.\r\n\r\nAnn (03:33):\r\n\r\nAnd you and Jim have met; you even had him on your podcast.\r\n\r\nRon (03:36):\r\n\r\nYeah. Jim's one of my favorite people in the world. He is a tremendous teacher, speaker, writer. Jim, it's good to see you again.\r\n\r\nJim (03:44):\r\n\r\nAnd great to see you. I tell him every time, I say, when people walk up and they want to talk to me about stepparenting, I just go two words, Ron Deal.\r\n\r\nAnn (03:52):\r\n\r\nMe too. I do the same thing. \r\n\r\nDave (03:54):\r\n\r\nWhat do you got, Ron?\r\n\r\nRon (03:55):\r\n\r\nWell, I'm thinking in a lot of different directions. I'm thinking about families, single parent homes and blended family homes when kids are moving back and forth and there's different influences on their faith and their values in different homes. I'm also thinking a little bit about for everybody, some of the things you guys have been talking about, I love delight in your children. And yet for some people, delighting feels like permission for whatever it is that they're doing or endorsing.\r\n\r\n(04:19):\r\n\r\nSo when delight equals enabling, then it's really hard to delight. You're back on the I've got to help you change issue. And you're pursuing your child, but you're doing it in an anxious, controlling sort of way. And obviously you've already said that doesn't work. Here's a little nuance I'd love to hear more about. When there's been conflict, back off, approach them gently, try to work towards them. Jim was just saying, move toward your children. Yes, I totally agree with that. But I think for a lot of people, the conflict or the hostility that you've had, the wars, the battles you've had over these issues in the past has created a lot of water under that bridge. And so when you tiptoe back toward them, the other is not open, not receptive. They're afraid, here we go again.\r\n\r\n(05:11):\r\n\r\nYou say you don't want to argue, but Dad, Mom, how long is it going to be before you bring this back up again? I think that's a really sticky situation. What would you suggest to people who are trying to navigate that?\r\n\r\nJim (05:24):\r\n\r\nWell, I don't think there's easy answers in terms of wait three days, have this conversation. There's no magic wand. I'll tell you about a guy I know named Ron who took his son to a San Diego Padres game, an Angels game, a Dodgers game, Giants in Oakland. And they fished and they actually did a little surfing, and they just had a great week together and he never brought it up. And it was his topic all the time and because he didn't bring it up at the very end, it loosened his son up and his son said, \"Dad, we probably need to...\" He brought it up. \"We probably need to talk about some of these feelings.\" And he said, \"Well, I didn't need to. I just want you to know I could be in relationship with you without doing this.\" And the son said, \"But we need to kind of take care of this.\" \r\n\r\n(06:09):\r\n\r\nAnd so the son actually took the lead at helping them take care of business and they kind of agreed on a couple things. They didn't agree on a couple things. And he said, \"I really appreciate your new approach.\" The son said this. And I think we can learn from that.\r\n\r\nDave (06:24):\r\n\r\nSo is that sort of like building a trust?\r\n\r\nRon (06:26):\r\n\r\nYes. Trust has been broken. You've got to rebuild that. Jim said it earlier, safety is the number one thing that gives you influence with your children. And at the end of the day, that's what you're hoping for. It's just a little influence. But if they don't feel safe with you, you don't have any influence.\r\n\r\nAnn (06:43):\r\n\r\nI think too, what helps me and what has helped me with our kids is an apology upfront. \u201cGuys, it's just my personality. I'm pretty intense. And I'm sure when I come in these conversations, it can feel like a lot. And I'm sorry for that. I love you guys. I believe in you. I'm so intense and that's got to be off-putting at times. So let me just say, I don't want to do that. I'm sorry that I've hurt you.\u201d\r\n\r\nDave (07:12):\r\n\r\nThen you got to honor that.\r\n\r\nAnn (07:14):\r\n\r\nYes. \r\n\r\nDave (07:15):\r\n\r\nCan't be a week later and then she\u2019s back.\r\n\r\nAnn (07:17):\r\n\r\nIt all comes up again.\r\n\r\n(07:18):\r\n\r\nThe other thing too, and I know you guys have all done this, we all have hard conversations with our kids, all of us. And when they bring something up, there are times that I can be thinking, are you kidding me? Are you serious? But then to say, not say any of that, bite my tongue, but to say thank you, that couldn't have been easy to bring up. And I know that it probably took a lot of prayer and a lot of courage for you to bring that up. And I really appreciate that you'd be honest with me, so thanks. So I kind of like both of those starting out with that apology. But you're right though, Ron, when you've wounded each other so immensely, you're both so gun shy like, oh, here it goes again.\r\n\r\nRon (08:04):\r\n\r\nYeah. And an option to add on to the apology is to kind of take that moment to say, now the son or daughter, I'm at a loss. I don't know how we move forward, but because I love you like crazy and I'm not going anywhere and you're important to me and you're kids, I want to be granddad. And let's figure out how we do this. And then let them talk, maybe propose something. But what you're trying to get to is how now do we do life and what do we expect of one another? So for example, it might be something like, hey look, would it be fair if twice a year you and I have a conversation about important eternal things and we can decide when that's going to be and you can tell me when you want, but all the other time is just being together and having fun and we don't have to worry about any of that. The reason you might try to negotiate towards something like that is you and your child both then know there's going to be times where we sort of revisit the delicate topics that are important and yet you're creating safety in all the other moments of life.\r\n\r\n(09:10):\r\n\r\nSo nobody's going to feel ambushed or nobody's worried about, oh, well, he's taking me to the Padres game, but I know what's going to happen in the sixth inning. I know. That just ruins the whole game. So if you take away the anxiety of when we're together and just sort of compartmentalize a little, I'm not saying that'll work with every child, but the point is you negotiate with them something they're comfortable with, you can both live with, and at least now we have a path forward.\r\n\r\nJim (09:36):\r\n\r\nThat's what I call being the adult in the room. We don't have to always be right. We're in it for the long, long, long run. So we don't have to get it all settled then and to negotiate something like that. And they said, I don't feel comfortable in having that conversation twice a year. I don't feel comfortable at all. Okay, maybe next year. But you're still keeping it in front of them.\r\n\r\nRon (09:57):\r\n\r\nYes.\r\n\r\nJim (09:57):\r\n\r\nBut that's being the adult in the room.\r\n\r\nDave (09:59):\r\n\r\nJim, as you say that, Ron, what I was hearing you say, tell me if I'm wrong, be the adult in the room, but also treat your son or daughter as an adult. Yes. Ron, when you said that, I though, wow, that's a great move for a parent to say you lead. What do you think? What do you think we should do? I'll tell you what, when I started dating Ann and then we got married, the first thing that shocked me was her dad treated me as an adult man from day one. He was my high school coach. And when he started doing that like, \"Hey Dave, what's your thought on this?\" I'm like, \"What? What do you mean what's my thought? I'm a kid.\" And I realized right away he did that with all these young men and that was so respectful. We felt empowered.\r\n\r\n(10:41):\r\n\r\nSo when you do that as a parent, I'm not always right. Sometimes I'm wrong. What do you think? I think that says a lot to our child.\r\n\r\nJim (10:47):\r\n\r\nNo, it is. And it really means that we need the discipline. And Paul said to Timothy, discipline yourself for the purpose of godliness. We need to discipline ourselves to reinvent the relationship because for two decades we didn't ask them all that much what they though. We said, no, we're going here. We're going to do this, whatever. But as an adult, by reinventing the relationship, it means that now we respect them and they don't see respect if we're always giving them our opinion on stuff. They see it as they don't believe I'm really an adult.\r\n\r\nAnn (11:18):\r\n\r\nSo Jim, are you saying as to what Ron said, that you would allow the child to navigate and initiate the two times a year? I can see people, especially that don't like conflict. I'm just going to make sure I'm not around you those two times whenever that's coming up. So how do you\u2014 \r\n\r\nDave (11:34):\r\n\r\nThanksgiving and Christmas.\r\n\r\nJim:\r\n\r\nWrong.\r\n\r\nAnn (11:37):\r\n\r\nAnd I like what you said, and if you can't have that conversation, I still want to be with you and love you.\r\n\r\nJim (11:44):\r\n\r\nYeah. And you can do some of that without words. You could also, if that was going to be a negative conversation with your kids, then why not just in your own mind say, I'm going to bring this up twice and kind of let it go. But then we are in charge.\r\n\r\nAnn (11:59):\r\n\r\nBut you're sandwiching all of that with love and joy and fun and relationship.\r\n\r\nJim (12:04):\r\n\r\nYeah. This sounds so easy and yet in most relationships, there is deep tension. There have been words said by everybody that was horrible. It's making a pretty major change. Then it takes time for them to kind of reboot if you would and go, oh, my parents aren't going to be the people who are going to always tell me how bad I am. So they need to see us do that over the long run.\r\n\r\nRon (12:30):\r\n\r\nYes.\r\n\r\nJim (12:30):\r\n\r\nAnd when they see that, that we're even trying, and if we mess up, what I loved what you said, Ann, is you said, then we just apologize. You can apologize for something and be right on other things. I'm sorry you felt that way. I'm so grateful you told me that. Now there's about the bubble in your head can say, and believe me, let me tell you about you, one, two, three, four. And you just keep that quiet.\r\n\r\nDave (12:56):\r\n\r\nWe meet a ton of couples who say FamilyLife helped them when they needed it the most. And that's what being a FamilyLife Partner is all about, helping others find that same encouragement and tools that you found right here.\r\n\r\nAnn (13:09):\r\n\r\nAnd we'd love for you to join us. So click the donate button at FamilyLifeToday.com and become a partner today.\r\n\r\nRon (13:20):\r\n\r\nCan I give you guys my favorite metaphor that I think just wraps up this whole conversation? And I hope our viewer or listener can just sort of grab this and let this sink into your heart. Let's have a little fun. I'm going to invite the three of you. I'm going to give you a task. I want you this afternoon to go to a city park somewhere and find some trees and some squirrels, and I want you to make friends with a squirrel. That's your goal, befriend a squirrel. Now tell me, how will you not go about befriending a squirrel?\r\n\r\nAnn (13:49):\r\n\r\nI wouldn't yell.\r\n\r\nRon (13:51):\r\n\r\nThank you. Dave, what would you not do?\r\n\r\nDave (13:54):\r\n\r\nI'd be very cautious. I would not move quickly. Just tenderly, softly\u2014\r\n\r\nAnn (14:01):\r\n\r\n\u2014approach.\r\n\r\nDave (14:02):\r\n\r\n\u2014approach.\r\n\r\nRon (14:02):\r\n\r\nYeah. Squirrels are skittish and they are just super afraid. And you may not understand why squirrels are skittish. I mean, when you're driving down the road and they run out and look at you and go back and forth, you're like, \"What are you doing?\" We don't understand squirrels, but your adult child is a squirrel. For whatever reason, whatever the backstory is, they are super afraid of what you're coming with. And the irony is we think pursuing, throwing criticisms, rocks, somehow trapping them is somehow advantageous to changing their heart. The whole political social media world to me is crazy trying to influence other people when all we're doing is trying to trap them in something and go, \"Ha, ha, ha.\" That doesn't invite squirrels to move towards you. That just makes them run up the tree faster. This is where you find yourself as a parent with a child who is strayed.\r\n\r\n(14:52):\r\n\r\nAnd you have to say, \"I can't do that anymore.\" All right, so let's turn it over. What would you do if you're trying to befriend? Remember, not trap, befriend a squirrel.\r\n\r\nAnn (15:04):\r\n\r\nDave and I got an opportunity to be in London this summer. Dave did a wedding over in France. Our guide, this English gentleman, I didn't realize it at first, but this squirrel kept coming to his feet. What's this squirrel doing? He's right beside the guy.\r\n\r\nDave (15:20):\r\n\r\nHyde Park.\r\n\r\nAnn (15:21):\r\n\r\nAnd I looked and this guide had a little peanut in his hand, and he just bent down very slowly, and the squirrel ate out of his hand. Amazing. \r\n\r\nJim:\r\n\r\nAmazing.\r\n\r\nRon (15:31):\r\n\r\nSo what is he doing? He's sitting still, he's got something attractive and he's not doing anything harsh.\r\n\r\n(15:38):\r\n\r\nThis is amazing to you that a squirrel would move toward this guy. How long did he have to sit quietly and calmly and be a stable force that doesn't bring any threat? I mean, depending on the skittishness of the squirrel, you may have to sit a really long time in the park. That's what you have to do. And that is your power. I think a lot of parents feel like, \"I have no power. I keep trying to talk to my kid.\" Well, you're anxiously pursuing them, trying to change them. That's eroding your power. Your power is in waiting. Your power is in being calm. Your power is in being receiving and having something attractive. If you're not attractive, don't expect the squirrel to care about what you value. So you get the metaphor, right? It's a hard, difficult road when this is where you find yourself, and yet this is how you have to play it.\r\n\r\n(16:26):\r\n\r\nOtherwise, you just don't have any influence at all.\r\n\r\nDave (16:29):\r\n\r\nIn some ways, and we know this as communicators, people don't receive the message unless they like the messenger. It's the same thing. If they don't like you or they don't feel like you like them, it's going to be a hard road. You got to be likable.\r\n\r\nRon (16:44):\r\n\r\nYeah. And we can extend this little metaphor into complex family situations. So I'm thinking about a stepparent or a foster parent who, this child is relatively new to your world and your life and you're running into the park going, \"Hey, I got great stuff. Come here. Wait, where are you going?\" And you don't realize it, but you're chasing the squirrel with your eagerness, with your desire. And for whatever reason is that too is threatening to the squirrel. Or maybe after going through a divorce, you kind of grew some distance between you and your children. Yeah, they come for visitation twice a month, whatever, but you haven't really been super engaged in their life, but now you're seeing some things in their life, and you want to influence that, so you begin to try to reengage. Well, to them, you're still a little threatening. You're an unknown force in their world.\r\n\r\n(17:32):\r\n\r\nYou again have to go to the park near them as close as you can be and wait and just hang out and don't quit. It can be so discouraging when you're not getting immediate results from the squirrel, but this is what you do. This is your power is to sit and wait and be that attractive presence that gives them something to move toward.\r\n\r\nAnn (17:55):\r\n\r\nWell, Ron and Jim, I'm curious because I love that, but I'm thinking of a stepparent, a new husband that walks into the situation. They're newly married and his wife has a son that has strayed and is hurting her. She's crying every night about this child that has strayed. And he's thinking, \"This child is being disrespectful, dishonoring. It's hurting my wife.\" And so he's thinking, \"I need to protect her.\" How do you address that situation? Because what he's feeling is probably legitimate, like she is being hurt. Maybe the child is being horrible to her, but that's a hard place to tread.\r\n\r\nRon (18:39):\r\n\r\nIt is. And add to it, if he has his own children and this stepchild is influencing his biological children right there in the home, there's a negative influence towards their faith formation. It just adds insult to the injury. So we would go back to, all right, he and his wife got to get together. They got to have huddle and talk and try to figure out how they're going to respond within their home. And it's delicate because mom's going to say, \"You don't know my kid the way I know my kid. And you're coming in pretty harsh, buddy, or pretty aggressive, and that's not going to play well.\" And so then the stepdad's going, \"Yeah, but you're going soft. And that's just letting him get away with it.\u201d And I guarantee you, that happens a lot.\r\n\r\nDave (19:22):\r\n\r\nOh yeah.\r\n\r\nRon (19:23):\r\n\r\nAnd so it is a dialogue to figure out how we are going to respond. We're going to try to encourage biological mom because she has the most influence. This comes down to influence. It always does. Who has the most influence? So she's going to, because she has a relationship with her son, the stepdad doesn't at that point in time. And so we're going to encourage mom to put on some strength and maybe have to learn to step in in some ways that she is not just to say, \"I'm sorry, you're not going to treat me that way in my home. I love you son, but we're not going to do that.\" She's going to have to maybe find some new skills. Her husband is supporting her as she's trying to do that, grow into that space. It's going to be awkward and challenging and she's not going to get it right and they're going to back up and they're going to try again.\r\n\r\n(20:06):\r\n\r\nThat's going to be that journey for the most part, I would think. But at the end of the day, that's what they're looking for is that delicate balance to move toward the son, remain delight in him when they can, how they can, and at the same time, draw some lines and say, \"Nope, that's not happening either, but that doesn't mean you can't be here. We don't love you and we don't receive you.\" That's the hope. The hard, super hard is when that kid says, \"Well, I've got dad's house to go to and so I'm just sayonara.\" And they pull on that string of ultimate leverage with another household that they can run to. And let me just say in our FamilyLife Blended, we deal with this a lot and it is a very, very difficult situation when kids do that. They do have some power because of that ability to go to the other home who won't draw any lines, won't set up any boundaries and has no expectations.\r\n\r\n(20:59):\r\n\r\nAnd that is a power move that it is a grieving moment for mom and stepdad. And yet even then, back to our metaphor, they're going to try to figure out ways to be in the park with that boy however, whenever at his football game, whenever he's interested, however they can be as close to him as they can be because that's the only way you have any influence.\r\n\r\nJim (21:23):\r\n\r\nI'm thinking of two words, protect and honor. I think that the husband has to protect his wife and honor her wishes. I mean, I can't say enough about when he just said the husband should help the wife because she's the biological mom to this. So the husband has to help the wife gain the tools or whatever it needs. And you will have to build boundaries. And if you build boundaries, boundaries aren't building walls. Boundaries are helping you build the relationship right.\r\n\r\nAnn (21:51):\r\n\r\nOh, that's good. I haven't heard that before. \r\n\r\nJim (21:53):\r\n\r\nSo when you build a boundary, it's not a fence. It's not a wall. The boundary is actually a vehicle. It's more like a bridge to what's the bridge? So it is delicate. And again, it's not always easy, but I think way too often in a blended family, and I think way too often the non-biological parent tries to take over because they're fed up with it or whatever.\r\n\r\nAnn (22:15):\r\n\r\nAnd protect.\r\n\r\nJim (22:15):\r\n\r\nYeah. Right. What they really want to do is protect and honor but honor the relationship that the mom has with that child.\r\n\r\nAnn (22:21):\r\n\r\nThat's good.\r\n\r\nJim (22:22):\r\n\r\nAnd again, you got to be in it for the long haul.\r\n\r\nRon (22:24):\r\n\r\nYeah. If I could tag on with boundaries just for a second. A lot of people are saying boundaries are\u2014they're setting boundaries and really what they're trying to do is change somebody else. When a child says, \"I'm cutting you off,\" what they're really saying is, \"Until Mom, Dad, you guys start doing what I want you to do, I'm going to remove myself from your presence.\" That's not what boundaries are for. Boundaries are me saying what I'm going to do with what is mine. I'm not telling you what to do with what is yours. I'm just telling you what I'm going to do with mine. And that's so important in these situations because you can imagine this biological mom who the child is disrespecting her. So what is the boundary she's going to set? It's to say, \"I'm sorry, you may not talk to me that way.\" She's not trying to demand of her child that he treat her exactly the way she wants.\r\n\r\n(23:13):\r\n\r\nThat's too much for that little moment with that particular child for her to say, \"No, you may not talk to me that way.\" And so the answer is no to what you were just demanding. And if you want to have a conversation about going to the party, we can have a conversation, but you're not going to treat me that way and get what you want. So all she's saying is, \"Yeah, I'm in charge of me and what is mine to do with.\" And that's the power that you have in these. It's not a lot of power. It doesn't feel like a lot because you're not changing them. This is where we as parents have to make that delineation between what's ours and what's theirs to figure out.\r\n\r\nDave (23:52):\r\n\r\nI'll tell you what, all I'm thinking about in my head right now are squirrels.\r\n\r\nAnn (23:59):\r\n\r\nSquirrels.\r\n\r\nDave (23:59):\r\n\r\nSquirrels. Squirrel. Squirrel. Actually, Ron's metaphor visual is really good.\r\n\r\nAnn (24:06):\r\n\r\nReally good. And I think that we can all get at that in our heads, especially with the holidays coming up. Don't scare away the squirrel.\r\n\r\nDave (24:14):\r\n\r\nThat's your son or your daughter. Again, the book is called When Your Adult Child Strays by Jim Burns. You can get it at FamilyLifeToday.com. Just click on the link in the show notes. And guess what? We have another day with Ron and Jim to talk about this topic, so we'll see you tomorrow.\r\n\r\nAnn (24:28):\r\n\r\nIf you need more on this or any kind of parenting help, you can get more at FamilyLife.com\/ParentingHelp. It's going to be a benefit to you because we all need some help.\r\n\r\nDave (24:45):\r\n\r\nFamilyLife Today is a donor-supported production of FamilyLife\u00ae, a Cru\u00ae ministry; celebrating 50 years of helping you pursue the relationships that matter most.\r\n\r\nIf you\u2019ve benefited from the FamilyLife Today transcripts, would you consider donating today to help defray the costs of producing them and making them available online?\r\n\r\nCopyright \u00a9 2026 FamilyLife. 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Coyle","author_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/author\/margaret-coyle-a9eb952f\/"},"uagb_comment_info":0,"uagb_excerpt":"Your grown kid keeps pulling away. Now what? On FamilyLife Today with Dave and Ann Wilson, Jim Burns and Ron Deal tackle reconnecting with an adult child.","meta_box":{"show_notes":"\n<ul>\n<li><a href=\"https:\/\/homeword.com\/product\/when-your-adult-child-strays\/\">Jim Burns' book, When Your Adult Child Strays: Trading Heartache for Hope<\/a>.<\/li>\n<li><a href=\"https:\/\/homeword.com\/shop\/\">Jim Burns' book, Doing Life with Your Adult Children: Keep Your Mouth Shut and the Welcome Mat Out<\/a>.<\/li>\n<li><a href=\"https:\/\/homeword.com\/product\/online-course-when-your-adult-child-strays\/\">Jim Burns' When Your Adult Child Strays digital course<\/a>.<\/li>\n<li><a href=\"https:\/\/homeword.com\/\">Connect with author and HomeWord founder Jim Burns<\/a>.<\/li>\n<li><a href=\"https:\/\/www.familylife.com\/profiles\/ron-deal\/\">Connect with FamilyLife Blended director and author Ron Deal<\/a>.<\/li>\n<li><a href=\"https:\/\/www.familylife.com\/podcast\/familylife-blended-podcast\/192-jim-burns-when-adult-children-stray\/\">FamilyLife Blended podcast: Jim Burns, When Adult Children Stray<\/a>.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<hr>\n<ul>\n<li>Thanks to the Christian Standard Bible for sponsoring this episode. Learn more at <a href=\"https:\/\/CSBible.com\">CSBible.com<\/a>.<\/li>\n<li>Follow us on all social platforms: <a href=\"https:\/\/www.facebook.com\/familylifeministry\">Facebook<\/a> | <a href=\"https:\/\/www.instagram.com\/familylife.today\/\">Instagram<\/a> | <a href=\"https:\/\/www.youtube.com\/playlist?list=PLSzse1nmlqbLhDx5FpGVDgLmxy1rmQBau\">YouTube<\/a><\/li>\n<li>Find resources from our podcast at <a href=\"https:\/\/shop.familylife.com\/product-category\/radio-resources\/\">shop.familylife.com<\/a>.<\/li>\n<li>Download <a href=\"https:\/\/www.familylife.com\/app\/\">FamilyLife's app<\/a>!<\/li>\n<li>Help others find FamilyLife. Leave a review on <a href=\"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303\">Apple Podcast<\/a> or <a href=\"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm?si=d6dfa8d2415f4750\">Spotify<\/a>.<\/li>\n<li>Check out all the FamilyLife's podcasts on the <a href=\"https:\/\/www.familylife.com\/familylife-podcast-network\/\">FamilyLife Podcast Network.<\/a><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n\n","transcript_url":"https:\/\/transcript.familylife.com\/fl2026-11-10.pdf","transcript_content":"\nFamilyLife Today\u00ae with Dave and Ann Wilson - Web Version Transcript\r\n\r\nThis content has been generated by an artificial intelligence language model. While we strive for accuracy and quality, please note that the information provided will most likely not be entirely error-free or up-to-date. We recommend independently verifying the content with the originally-released audio. This transcript is provided for your personal use and general information purposes only. References to conferences, resources, or other special promotions may be obsolete. We do not assume any responsibility or liability for the use or interpretation of this content.\r\n\r\nReconnecting with an Adult Child\r\n\r\nGuests:Jim Burns and Ron Deal\r\n\r\nFrom the series:Child Walks Away (Day 2 of 3)\r\n\r\nAir date:November 10, 2026\r\n\r\nRon (00:04):\r\n\r\nI think a lot of parents feel like, \"I have no power. I keep trying to talk to my kid.\" Well, you're anxiously pursuing them, trying to change them. That's eroding your power. Your power is in waiting. Your power is in being calm. Your power is in being receiving and having something attractive. This is how you have to play it. Otherwise, you just don't have any influence at all.\r\n\r\nAnn (00:33):\r\n\r\nWelcome to FamilyLife Today, where we want to help you pursue the relationships that matter most. I'm Ann Wilson.\r\n\r\nDave (00:39):\r\n\r\nAnd I'm Dave Wilson, and you can find us at FamilyLifeToday.com. This is FamilyLife Today.\r\n\r\nAll right, we got Jim Burns back in the studio to talk about When Your Adult Child Strays\u2014\r\n\r\nAnn (00:58):\r\n\r\nHey, but listen to the subtitle, Trading Heartache for Hope. And I know if you've walked through any kind of situation with an adult child that's maybe strayed or living a lifestyle or just it's not going well with your kids in your home, this is going to be a great program to listen to.\r\n\r\nDave (01:17):\r\n\r\nAnd maybe you're in a blended situation, so we're bringing Ron Deal in and he's going to bring some real insight to this conversation. So welcome Ron and Jim, and let's go. You talked about a one topic parent.\r\n\r\nJim (01:35):\r\n\r\nYeah.\r\n\r\nDave (01:36):\r\n\r\nWhat do you think of a no topic parent? Here's what I mean. There's certain areas that we have realized with our adult kids at the dinner table, whatever, don't bring it up. We disagree. Why talk about it? A lot of it's political or whatever. It's just like, it's not worth it.\r\n\r\nAnn (01:52):\r\n\r\nAnd our kids are all different theologically too. They're all in different places.\r\n\r\nDave (01:56):\r\n\r\nAnd I'm not saying you can't have conflict and have a rich conversation, but we've realized, you know what? It doesn't end well.\r\n\r\nJim (02:02):\r\n\r\nOh, you're talking about Thanksgiving in the Burns household. \r\n\r\nDave:\r\n\r\nReally? \r\n\r\nJim:\r\n\r\nOne of our daughters who has a very different view than some of the others of us with the political thing. I said, \u201cHey, you guys, I think we need to have a no rule. It's a no politics conversation at the dinner table.\u201d And we haven't because we're going to agree to disagree and we're going to respect each other. And in our family, we're going to have some of these things, but it's not going to get in the way of our relationship.\r\n\r\nDave (02:26):\r\n\r\nRight. Yeah. I mean, it started in ours because I would always violate it. We hadn't really talked about it yet and we have adult and our oldest is 40 now. And I don't know, they were over, this was years ago. And I just made some comment, and Ann just looks at me like, \"What in the world?\" And I just realized, do not go there. Why talk about it? So there are certain topics you still think, \"I love you.\" And I think they know it too. It's like, \"We don't need to talk about it. Let's be father and son.\"\r\n\r\nAnn (02:53):\r\n\r\nIt's better not to.\r\n\r\nJim (02:53):\r\n\r\nNo, no, I agree with you. And by the way, politics is one of the major things that move in estrangement. As parents, I don't think it's worth us trying to convince them, but you don't understand. I mean, they actually voted for this person, or they voted for that person. And you kind of have to go, does that really matter?\r\n\r\nDave (03:11):\r\n\r\nHey, so let's bring Ron Deal in. You know Ron, he directs our blended ministry here and he's been listening to our conversation. And first thing I'd say is, Ron, welcome and give us a thought or a question. I know the way you think, man, you've probably got 18 questions lined up.\r\n\r\nRon (03:29):\r\n\r\nYep. I got three pages of paper right here with questions.\r\n\r\nDave (03:31):\r\n\r\nI bet you do.\r\n\r\nAnn (03:33):\r\n\r\nAnd you and Jim have met; you even had him on your podcast.\r\n\r\nRon (03:36):\r\n\r\nYeah. Jim's one of my favorite people in the world. He is a tremendous teacher, speaker, writer. Jim, it's good to see you again.\r\n\r\nJim (03:44):\r\n\r\nAnd great to see you. I tell him every time, I say, when people walk up and they want to talk to me about stepparenting, I just go two words, Ron Deal.\r\n\r\nAnn (03:52):\r\n\r\nMe too. I do the same thing. \r\n\r\nDave (03:54):\r\n\r\nWhat do you got, Ron?\r\n\r\nRon (03:55):\r\n\r\nWell, I'm thinking in a lot of different directions. I'm thinking about families, single parent homes and blended family homes when kids are moving back and forth and there's different influences on their faith and their values in different homes. I'm also thinking a little bit about for everybody, some of the things you guys have been talking about, I love delight in your children. And yet for some people, delighting feels like permission for whatever it is that they're doing or endorsing.\r\n\r\n(04:19):\r\n\r\nSo when delight equals enabling, then it's really hard to delight. You're back on the I've got to help you change issue. And you're pursuing your child, but you're doing it in an anxious, controlling sort of way. And obviously you've already said that doesn't work. Here's a little nuance I'd love to hear more about. When there's been conflict, back off, approach them gently, try to work towards them. Jim was just saying, move toward your children. Yes, I totally agree with that. But I think for a lot of people, the conflict or the hostility that you've had, the wars, the battles you've had over these issues in the past has created a lot of water under that bridge. And so when you tiptoe back toward them, the other is not open, not receptive. They're afraid, here we go again.\r\n\r\n(05:11):\r\n\r\nYou say you don't want to argue, but Dad, Mom, how long is it going to be before you bring this back up again? I think that's a really sticky situation. What would you suggest to people who are trying to navigate that?\r\n\r\nJim (05:24):\r\n\r\nWell, I don't think there's easy answers in terms of wait three days, have this conversation. There's no magic wand. I'll tell you about a guy I know named Ron who took his son to a San Diego Padres game, an Angels game, a Dodgers game, Giants in Oakland. And they fished and they actually did a little surfing, and they just had a great week together and he never brought it up. And it was his topic all the time and because he didn't bring it up at the very end, it loosened his son up and his son said, \"Dad, we probably need to...\" He brought it up. \"We probably need to talk about some of these feelings.\" And he said, \"Well, I didn't need to. I just want you to know I could be in relationship with you without doing this.\" And the son said, \"But we need to kind of take care of this.\" \r\n\r\n(06:09):\r\n\r\nAnd so the son actually took the lead at helping them take care of business and they kind of agreed on a couple things. They didn't agree on a couple things. And he said, \"I really appreciate your new approach.\" The son said this. And I think we can learn from that.\r\n\r\nDave (06:24):\r\n\r\nSo is that sort of like building a trust?\r\n\r\nRon (06:26):\r\n\r\nYes. Trust has been broken. You've got to rebuild that. Jim said it earlier, safety is the number one thing that gives you influence with your children. And at the end of the day, that's what you're hoping for. It's just a little influence. But if they don't feel safe with you, you don't have any influence.\r\n\r\nAnn (06:43):\r\n\r\nI think too, what helps me and what has helped me with our kids is an apology upfront. \u201cGuys, it's just my personality. I'm pretty intense. And I'm sure when I come in these conversations, it can feel like a lot. And I'm sorry for that. I love you guys. I believe in you. I'm so intense and that's got to be off-putting at times. So let me just say, I don't want to do that. I'm sorry that I've hurt you.\u201d\r\n\r\nDave (07:12):\r\n\r\nThen you got to honor that.\r\n\r\nAnn (07:14):\r\n\r\nYes. \r\n\r\nDave (07:15):\r\n\r\nCan't be a week later and then she\u2019s back.\r\n\r\nAnn (07:17):\r\n\r\nIt all comes up again.\r\n\r\n(07:18):\r\n\r\nThe other thing too, and I know you guys have all done this, we all have hard conversations with our kids, all of us. And when they bring something up, there are times that I can be thinking, are you kidding me? Are you serious? But then to say, not say any of that, bite my tongue, but to say thank you, that couldn't have been easy to bring up. And I know that it probably took a lot of prayer and a lot of courage for you to bring that up. And I really appreciate that you'd be honest with me, so thanks. So I kind of like both of those starting out with that apology. But you're right though, Ron, when you've wounded each other so immensely, you're both so gun shy like, oh, here it goes again.\r\n\r\nRon (08:04):\r\n\r\nYeah. And an option to add on to the apology is to kind of take that moment to say, now the son or daughter, I'm at a loss. I don't know how we move forward, but because I love you like crazy and I'm not going anywhere and you're important to me and you're kids, I want to be granddad. And let's figure out how we do this. And then let them talk, maybe propose something. But what you're trying to get to is how now do we do life and what do we expect of one another? So for example, it might be something like, hey look, would it be fair if twice a year you and I have a conversation about important eternal things and we can decide when that's going to be and you can tell me when you want, but all the other time is just being together and having fun and we don't have to worry about any of that. The reason you might try to negotiate towards something like that is you and your child both then know there's going to be times where we sort of revisit the delicate topics that are important and yet you're creating safety in all the other moments of life.\r\n\r\n(09:10):\r\n\r\nSo nobody's going to feel ambushed or nobody's worried about, oh, well, he's taking me to the Padres game, but I know what's going to happen in the sixth inning. I know. That just ruins the whole game. So if you take away the anxiety of when we're together and just sort of compartmentalize a little, I'm not saying that'll work with every child, but the point is you negotiate with them something they're comfortable with, you can both live with, and at least now we have a path forward.\r\n\r\nJim (09:36):\r\n\r\nThat's what I call being the adult in the room. We don't have to always be right. We're in it for the long, long, long run. So we don't have to get it all settled then and to negotiate something like that. And they said, I don't feel comfortable in having that conversation twice a year. I don't feel comfortable at all. Okay, maybe next year. But you're still keeping it in front of them.\r\n\r\nRon (09:57):\r\n\r\nYes.\r\n\r\nJim (09:57):\r\n\r\nBut that's being the adult in the room.\r\n\r\nDave (09:59):\r\n\r\nJim, as you say that, Ron, what I was hearing you say, tell me if I'm wrong, be the adult in the room, but also treat your son or daughter as an adult. Yes. Ron, when you said that, I though, wow, that's a great move for a parent to say you lead. What do you think? What do you think we should do? I'll tell you what, when I started dating Ann and then we got married, the first thing that shocked me was her dad treated me as an adult man from day one. He was my high school coach. And when he started doing that like, \"Hey Dave, what's your thought on this?\" I'm like, \"What? What do you mean what's my thought? I'm a kid.\" And I realized right away he did that with all these young men and that was so respectful. We felt empowered.\r\n\r\n(10:41):\r\n\r\nSo when you do that as a parent, I'm not always right. Sometimes I'm wrong. What do you think? I think that says a lot to our child.\r\n\r\nJim (10:47):\r\n\r\nNo, it is. And it really means that we need the discipline. And Paul said to Timothy, discipline yourself for the purpose of godliness. We need to discipline ourselves to reinvent the relationship because for two decades we didn't ask them all that much what they though. We said, no, we're going here. We're going to do this, whatever. But as an adult, by reinventing the relationship, it means that now we respect them and they don't see respect if we're always giving them our opinion on stuff. They see it as they don't believe I'm really an adult.\r\n\r\nAnn (11:18):\r\n\r\nSo Jim, are you saying as to what Ron said, that you would allow the child to navigate and initiate the two times a year? I can see people, especially that don't like conflict. I'm just going to make sure I'm not around you those two times whenever that's coming up. So how do you\u2014 \r\n\r\nDave (11:34):\r\n\r\nThanksgiving and Christmas.\r\n\r\nJim:\r\n\r\nWrong.\r\n\r\nAnn (11:37):\r\n\r\nAnd I like what you said, and if you can't have that conversation, I still want to be with you and love you.\r\n\r\nJim (11:44):\r\n\r\nYeah. And you can do some of that without words. You could also, if that was going to be a negative conversation with your kids, then why not just in your own mind say, I'm going to bring this up twice and kind of let it go. But then we are in charge.\r\n\r\nAnn (11:59):\r\n\r\nBut you're sandwiching all of that with love and joy and fun and relationship.\r\n\r\nJim (12:04):\r\n\r\nYeah. This sounds so easy and yet in most relationships, there is deep tension. There have been words said by everybody that was horrible. It's making a pretty major change. Then it takes time for them to kind of reboot if you would and go, oh, my parents aren't going to be the people who are going to always tell me how bad I am. So they need to see us do that over the long run.\r\n\r\nRon (12:30):\r\n\r\nYes.\r\n\r\nJim (12:30):\r\n\r\nAnd when they see that, that we're even trying, and if we mess up, what I loved what you said, Ann, is you said, then we just apologize. You can apologize for something and be right on other things. I'm sorry you felt that way. I'm so grateful you told me that. Now there's about the bubble in your head can say, and believe me, let me tell you about you, one, two, three, four. And you just keep that quiet.\r\n\r\nDave (12:56):\r\n\r\nWe meet a ton of couples who say FamilyLife helped them when they needed it the most. And that's what being a FamilyLife Partner is all about, helping others find that same encouragement and tools that you found right here.\r\n\r\nAnn (13:09):\r\n\r\nAnd we'd love for you to join us. So click the donate button at FamilyLifeToday.com and become a partner today.\r\n\r\nRon (13:20):\r\n\r\nCan I give you guys my favorite metaphor that I think just wraps up this whole conversation? And I hope our viewer or listener can just sort of grab this and let this sink into your heart. Let's have a little fun. I'm going to invite the three of you. I'm going to give you a task. I want you this afternoon to go to a city park somewhere and find some trees and some squirrels, and I want you to make friends with a squirrel. That's your goal, befriend a squirrel. Now tell me, how will you not go about befriending a squirrel?\r\n\r\nAnn (13:49):\r\n\r\nI wouldn't yell.\r\n\r\nRon (13:51):\r\n\r\nThank you. Dave, what would you not do?\r\n\r\nDave (13:54):\r\n\r\nI'd be very cautious. I would not move quickly. Just tenderly, softly\u2014\r\n\r\nAnn (14:01):\r\n\r\n\u2014approach.\r\n\r\nDave (14:02):\r\n\r\n\u2014approach.\r\n\r\nRon (14:02):\r\n\r\nYeah. Squirrels are skittish and they are just super afraid. And you may not understand why squirrels are skittish. I mean, when you're driving down the road and they run out and look at you and go back and forth, you're like, \"What are you doing?\" We don't understand squirrels, but your adult child is a squirrel. For whatever reason, whatever the backstory is, they are super afraid of what you're coming with. And the irony is we think pursuing, throwing criticisms, rocks, somehow trapping them is somehow advantageous to changing their heart. The whole political social media world to me is crazy trying to influence other people when all we're doing is trying to trap them in something and go, \"Ha, ha, ha.\" That doesn't invite squirrels to move towards you. That just makes them run up the tree faster. This is where you find yourself as a parent with a child who is strayed.\r\n\r\n(14:52):\r\n\r\nAnd you have to say, \"I can't do that anymore.\" All right, so let's turn it over. What would you do if you're trying to befriend? Remember, not trap, befriend a squirrel.\r\n\r\nAnn (15:04):\r\n\r\nDave and I got an opportunity to be in London this summer. Dave did a wedding over in France. Our guide, this English gentleman, I didn't realize it at first, but this squirrel kept coming to his feet. What's this squirrel doing? He's right beside the guy.\r\n\r\nDave (15:20):\r\n\r\nHyde Park.\r\n\r\nAnn (15:21):\r\n\r\nAnd I looked and this guide had a little peanut in his hand, and he just bent down very slowly, and the squirrel ate out of his hand. Amazing. \r\n\r\nJim:\r\n\r\nAmazing.\r\n\r\nRon (15:31):\r\n\r\nSo what is he doing? He's sitting still, he's got something attractive and he's not doing anything harsh.\r\n\r\n(15:38):\r\n\r\nThis is amazing to you that a squirrel would move toward this guy. How long did he have to sit quietly and calmly and be a stable force that doesn't bring any threat? I mean, depending on the skittishness of the squirrel, you may have to sit a really long time in the park. That's what you have to do. And that is your power. I think a lot of parents feel like, \"I have no power. I keep trying to talk to my kid.\" Well, you're anxiously pursuing them, trying to change them. That's eroding your power. Your power is in waiting. Your power is in being calm. Your power is in being receiving and having something attractive. If you're not attractive, don't expect the squirrel to care about what you value. So you get the metaphor, right? It's a hard, difficult road when this is where you find yourself, and yet this is how you have to play it.\r\n\r\n(16:26):\r\n\r\nOtherwise, you just don't have any influence at all.\r\n\r\nDave (16:29):\r\n\r\nIn some ways, and we know this as communicators, people don't receive the message unless they like the messenger. It's the same thing. If they don't like you or they don't feel like you like them, it's going to be a hard road. You got to be likable.\r\n\r\nRon (16:44):\r\n\r\nYeah. And we can extend this little metaphor into complex family situations. So I'm thinking about a stepparent or a foster parent who, this child is relatively new to your world and your life and you're running into the park going, \"Hey, I got great stuff. Come here. Wait, where are you going?\" And you don't realize it, but you're chasing the squirrel with your eagerness, with your desire. And for whatever reason is that too is threatening to the squirrel. Or maybe after going through a divorce, you kind of grew some distance between you and your children. Yeah, they come for visitation twice a month, whatever, but you haven't really been super engaged in their life, but now you're seeing some things in their life, and you want to influence that, so you begin to try to reengage. Well, to them, you're still a little threatening. You're an unknown force in their world.\r\n\r\n(17:32):\r\n\r\nYou again have to go to the park near them as close as you can be and wait and just hang out and don't quit. It can be so discouraging when you're not getting immediate results from the squirrel, but this is what you do. This is your power is to sit and wait and be that attractive presence that gives them something to move toward.\r\n\r\nAnn (17:55):\r\n\r\nWell, Ron and Jim, I'm curious because I love that, but I'm thinking of a stepparent, a new husband that walks into the situation. They're newly married and his wife has a son that has strayed and is hurting her. She's crying every night about this child that has strayed. And he's thinking, \"This child is being disrespectful, dishonoring. It's hurting my wife.\" And so he's thinking, \"I need to protect her.\" How do you address that situation? Because what he's feeling is probably legitimate, like she is being hurt. Maybe the child is being horrible to her, but that's a hard place to tread.\r\n\r\nRon (18:39):\r\n\r\nIt is. And add to it, if he has his own children and this stepchild is influencing his biological children right there in the home, there's a negative influence towards their faith formation. It just adds insult to the injury. So we would go back to, all right, he and his wife got to get together. They got to have huddle and talk and try to figure out how they're going to respond within their home. And it's delicate because mom's going to say, \"You don't know my kid the way I know my kid. And you're coming in pretty harsh, buddy, or pretty aggressive, and that's not going to play well.\" And so then the stepdad's going, \"Yeah, but you're going soft. And that's just letting him get away with it.\u201d And I guarantee you, that happens a lot.\r\n\r\nDave (19:22):\r\n\r\nOh yeah.\r\n\r\nRon (19:23):\r\n\r\nAnd so it is a dialogue to figure out how we are going to respond. We're going to try to encourage biological mom because she has the most influence. This comes down to influence. It always does. Who has the most influence? So she's going to, because she has a relationship with her son, the stepdad doesn't at that point in time. And so we're going to encourage mom to put on some strength and maybe have to learn to step in in some ways that she is not just to say, \"I'm sorry, you're not going to treat me that way in my home. I love you son, but we're not going to do that.\" She's going to have to maybe find some new skills. Her husband is supporting her as she's trying to do that, grow into that space. It's going to be awkward and challenging and she's not going to get it right and they're going to back up and they're going to try again.\r\n\r\n(20:06):\r\n\r\nThat's going to be that journey for the most part, I would think. But at the end of the day, that's what they're looking for is that delicate balance to move toward the son, remain delight in him when they can, how they can, and at the same time, draw some lines and say, \"Nope, that's not happening either, but that doesn't mean you can't be here. We don't love you and we don't receive you.\" That's the hope. The hard, super hard is when that kid says, \"Well, I've got dad's house to go to and so I'm just sayonara.\" And they pull on that string of ultimate leverage with another household that they can run to. And let me just say in our FamilyLife Blended, we deal with this a lot and it is a very, very difficult situation when kids do that. They do have some power because of that ability to go to the other home who won't draw any lines, won't set up any boundaries and has no expectations.\r\n\r\n(20:59):\r\n\r\nAnd that is a power move that it is a grieving moment for mom and stepdad. And yet even then, back to our metaphor, they're going to try to figure out ways to be in the park with that boy however, whenever at his football game, whenever he's interested, however they can be as close to him as they can be because that's the only way you have any influence.\r\n\r\nJim (21:23):\r\n\r\nI'm thinking of two words, protect and honor. I think that the husband has to protect his wife and honor her wishes. I mean, I can't say enough about when he just said the husband should help the wife because she's the biological mom to this. So the husband has to help the wife gain the tools or whatever it needs. And you will have to build boundaries. And if you build boundaries, boundaries aren't building walls. Boundaries are helping you build the relationship right.\r\n\r\nAnn (21:51):\r\n\r\nOh, that's good. I haven't heard that before. \r\n\r\nJim (21:53):\r\n\r\nSo when you build a boundary, it's not a fence. It's not a wall. The boundary is actually a vehicle. It's more like a bridge to what's the bridge? So it is delicate. And again, it's not always easy, but I think way too often in a blended family, and I think way too often the non-biological parent tries to take over because they're fed up with it or whatever.\r\n\r\nAnn (22:15):\r\n\r\nAnd protect.\r\n\r\nJim (22:15):\r\n\r\nYeah. Right. What they really want to do is protect and honor but honor the relationship that the mom has with that child.\r\n\r\nAnn (22:21):\r\n\r\nThat's good.\r\n\r\nJim (22:22):\r\n\r\nAnd again, you got to be in it for the long haul.\r\n\r\nRon (22:24):\r\n\r\nYeah. If I could tag on with boundaries just for a second. A lot of people are saying boundaries are\u2014they're setting boundaries and really what they're trying to do is change somebody else. When a child says, \"I'm cutting you off,\" what they're really saying is, \"Until Mom, Dad, you guys start doing what I want you to do, I'm going to remove myself from your presence.\" That's not what boundaries are for. Boundaries are me saying what I'm going to do with what is mine. I'm not telling you what to do with what is yours. I'm just telling you what I'm going to do with mine. And that's so important in these situations because you can imagine this biological mom who the child is disrespecting her. So what is the boundary she's going to set? It's to say, \"I'm sorry, you may not talk to me that way.\" She's not trying to demand of her child that he treat her exactly the way she wants.\r\n\r\n(23:13):\r\n\r\nThat's too much for that little moment with that particular child for her to say, \"No, you may not talk to me that way.\" And so the answer is no to what you were just demanding. And if you want to have a conversation about going to the party, we can have a conversation, but you're not going to treat me that way and get what you want. So all she's saying is, \"Yeah, I'm in charge of me and what is mine to do with.\" And that's the power that you have in these. It's not a lot of power. It doesn't feel like a lot because you're not changing them. This is where we as parents have to make that delineation between what's ours and what's theirs to figure out.\r\n\r\nDave (23:52):\r\n\r\nI'll tell you what, all I'm thinking about in my head right now are squirrels.\r\n\r\nAnn (23:59):\r\n\r\nSquirrels.\r\n\r\nDave (23:59):\r\n\r\nSquirrels. Squirrel. Squirrel. Actually, Ron's metaphor visual is really good.\r\n\r\nAnn (24:06):\r\n\r\nReally good. And I think that we can all get at that in our heads, especially with the holidays coming up. Don't scare away the squirrel.\r\n\r\nDave (24:14):\r\n\r\nThat's your son or your daughter. Again, the book is called When Your Adult Child Strays by Jim Burns. You can get it at FamilyLifeToday.com. Just click on the link in the show notes. And guess what? We have another day with Ron and Jim to talk about this topic, so we'll see you tomorrow.\r\n\r\nAnn (24:28):\r\n\r\nIf you need more on this or any kind of parenting help, you can get more at FamilyLife.com\/ParentingHelp. It's going to be a benefit to you because we all need some help.\r\n\r\nDave (24:45):\r\n\r\nFamilyLife Today is a donor-supported production of FamilyLife\u00ae, a Cru\u00ae ministry; celebrating 50 years of helping you pursue the relationships that matter most.\r\n\r\nIf you\u2019ve benefited from the FamilyLife Today transcripts, would you consider donating today to help defray the costs of producing them and making them available online?\r\n\r\nCopyright \u00a9 2026 FamilyLife. 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