{"id":318530,"date":"2026-07-28T05:44:21","date_gmt":"2026-07-28T09:44:21","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/%series%\/loving-your-teen-when-its-hard-david-eaton\/"},"modified":"2026-07-28T05:44:21","modified_gmt":"2026-07-28T09:44:21","slug":"loving-your-teen-when-its-hard-david-eaton","status":"publish","type":"podcast","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/loving-your-teen-when-its-hard-david-eaton\/","title":{"rendered":"Loving Your Teen When It&#8217;s Hard: David Eaton"},"content":{"rendered":"<p>Your teen messes up. Emotions flare. What&#8217;s your next move? David Eaton shares practical ways to respond with wisdom, connection, and love when the stakes feel high.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>David Eaton shares practical ways to respond with wisdom, connection, and love when the stakes feel high.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":47000,"featured_media":295627,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"","_seopress_robots_index":"","_seopress_robots_follow":"","_seopress_robots_imageindex":"","_seopress_robots_snippet":"","_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"","_seopress_robots_breadcrumbs":"","_seopress_robots_freeze_modified_date":"","_seopress_robots_custom_modified_date":"","_seopress_robots_canonical":"","_seopress_social_fb_title":"","_seopress_social_fb_desc":"","_seopress_social_fb_img":"","_seopress_social_fb_img_attachment_id":0,"_seopress_social_fb_img_width":0,"_seopress_social_fb_img_height":0,"_seopress_social_twitter_title":"","_seopress_social_twitter_desc":"","_seopress_social_twitter_img":"","_seopress_social_twitter_img_attachment_id":0,"_seopress_social_twitter_img_width":0,"_seopress_social_twitter_img_height":0,"_seopress_redirections_value":"","_seopress_redirections_enabled":"","_seopress_redirections_enabled_regex":"","_seopress_redirections_logged_status":"","_seopress_redirections_param":"","_seopress_redirections_type":0,"_seopress_analysis_target_kw":"","_seopress_news_disabled":"","_seopress_video_disabled":"","_seopress_video":[],"_seopress_pro_schemas_manual":[],"_seopress_pro_rich_snippets_disable_all":"","_seopress_pro_rich_snippets_disable":[],"_seopress_pro_schemas":[],"inline_featured_image":false,"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","episode_type":"","audio_file":"https:\/\/traffic.omny.fm\/d\/clips\/cbd16f10-ac60-4f09-b4df-b15400ce35aa\/33aaac7e-3581-4e21-a3df-b154011ba58c\/815a104b-5f26-41b0-b346-b48601557b37\/audio.mp3","podmotor_file_id":"","podmotor_episode_id":"","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"00:24:55","filesize":"22.85M","filesize_raw":"","date_recorded":"","explicit":"","block":""},"categories":[2837,2838,2855],"tags":[],"podcast_series":[11534],"cwp_profile":[3539],"series":[2101],"class_list":["post-318530","podcast","type-podcast","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-fathers","category-mothers","category-teens","podcast_series-why-teens-walk-away-david-eaton","cwp_profile-david-eaton","series-familylife-today"],"acf":[],"episode_featured_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Cover_1024x1024.jpg?w=1024","episode_player_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2023\/02\/image-scaled.jpg","download_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-download\/318530\/loving-your-teen-when-its-hard-david-eaton","player_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-player\/318530\/loving-your-teen-when-its-hard-david-eaton","audio_player":null,"episode_data":{"playerMode":"light","subscribeUrls":{"apple_podcasts":{"key":"apple_podcasts","url":"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303?mt=2&app=podcast","label":"Apple Podcasts","class":"apple_podcasts","icon":"apple-podcasts.png"},"google_podcasts":{"key":"google_podcasts","url":"","label":"Google Podcasts","class":"google_podcasts","icon":"google-podcasts.png"},"spotify":{"key":"spotify","url":"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm","label":"Spotify","class":"spotify","icon":"spotify.png"},"youtube":{"key":"youtube","url":"","label":"YouTube","class":"youtube","icon":"youtube.png"}},"rssFeedUrl":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/feed\/podcast\/familylife-today","embedCode":"<blockquote class=\"wp-embedded-content\" data-secret=\"HbFj8aTWFp\"><a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/loving-your-teen-when-its-hard-david-eaton\/\">Loving Your Teen When It&#8217;s Hard: David Eaton<\/a><\/blockquote><iframe sandbox=\"allow-scripts\" security=\"restricted\" src=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/loving-your-teen-when-its-hard-david-eaton\/embed\/#?secret=HbFj8aTWFp\" width=\"500\" height=\"350\" title=\"&#8220;Loving Your Teen When It&#8217;s Hard: David Eaton&#8221; &#8212; FamilyLife\u00ae - A Cru Ministry\" data-secret=\"HbFj8aTWFp\" frameborder=\"0\" marginwidth=\"0\" marginheight=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\" class=\"wp-embedded-content\"><\/iframe><script>\n\/*! 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resources to help connect with your teen at <a href=\"https:\/\/axis.org\/\">axis.org<\/a><\/p>\n<\/li>\n<li>Listen to this podcast <a href=\"https:\/\/www.familylife.com\/podcast\/familylife-today\/when-adult-children-walk-away-from-faith-practical-moves-for-waiting-parents\/\">When Adult Children Walk Away from Faith: Practical Moves for Waiting Parents<\/a><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<hr>\n<ul>\n<li>Thanks to the Christian Standard Bible for sponsoring this episode. Learn more at <a href=\"https:\/\/CSBible.com\">CSBible.com<\/a>.<\/li>\n<li>Follow us on all social platforms: <a href=\"https:\/\/www.facebook.com\/familylifeministry\">Facebook<\/a> | <a href=\"https:\/\/www.instagram.com\/familylife.today\/\">Instagram<\/a> | <a href=\"https:\/\/www.youtube.com\/playlist?list=PLSzse1nmlqbLhDx5FpGVDgLmxy1rmQBau\">YouTube<\/a><\/li>\n<li>Find resources from our podcast at <a href=\"https:\/\/shop.familylife.com\/product-category\/radio-resources\/\">shop.familylife.com<\/a>.<\/li>\n<li>Download <a href=\"https:\/\/www.familylife.com\/app\/\">FamilyLife's app<\/a>!<\/li>\n<li>Help others find FamilyLife. Leave a review on <a href=\"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303\">Apple Podcast<\/a> or <a href=\"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm?si=d6dfa8d2415f4750\">Spotify<\/a>.<\/li>\n<li>Check out all the FamilyLife's podcasts on the <a href=\"https:\/\/www.familylife.com\/familylife-podcast-network\/\">FamilyLife Podcast Network<\/a><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n\n"],"transcript_content":["\nFamilyLife Today\u00ae with Dave and Ann Wilson - Web Version Transcript\r\n\r\nThis content has been generated by an artificial intelligence language model. While we strive for accuracy and quality, please note that the information provided will most likely not be entirely error-free or up-to-date. We recommend independently verifying the content with the originally-released audio. This transcript is provided for your personal use and general information purposes only. References to conferences, resources, or other special promotions may be obsolete. We do not assume any responsibility or liability for the use or interpretation of this content.\r\n\r\nLoving Your Teen When It\u2019s Hard\r\n\r\nGuest:David Eaton\r\n\r\nFrom the series:Why Teens Walk Away (Day 2 of 3)\r\n\r\nAir date:July 28, 2026\r\n\r\nDavid (00:04):\r\n\r\nHow do we know if you're raising a sin-concealer versus a sin-confessor is, are you modeling confession? Is it okay to say, \u201cLord, have mercy on me a sinner?\u201d How do we understand that we're supposed to forgive as we've been forgiven? We want to have karma. We want to have \u201cYou reap what you sow,\u201d in many ways, but we have a God who's stepped into reality, and stepped into our world and said, \u201cNo, you are forgiven.\u201d\r\n\r\nDave (00:40):\r\n\r\nWelcome to FamilyLife Today where we want to help you pursue the relationships that matter most. I'm Dave Wilson.\r\n\r\nAnn (00:46):\r\n\r\nAnd I'm Ann Wilson and you can find us at FamilyLifeToday.com. This is FamilyLife Today.\r\n\r\nDave (00:59):\r\n\r\nSo we've got David Eaton in the studio today. David is a teenage expert. Not really. \r\n\r\nDavid:\r\n\r\nWow. \r\n\r\nDave:\r\n\r\nHe's an expert on raising teenagers because you started a ministry called Axis. You communicate with 200,000 parents and teenagers a month?\r\n\r\nDavid (01:15):\r\n\r\nOh yeah.\r\n\r\nDave (01:16):\r\n\r\nAbout what?\r\n\r\nDavid (01:17):\r\n\r\nNo, we equip 200,000 parents\u2014 \r\n\r\nDave (01:20):\r\n\r\nWow, that's even better.\r\n\r\nDavid (01:20):\r\n\r\n\u2014who have 400,000 tweens and teens in their life. We help them have non-anxious Christ-centered conversations about culture and about TikTok and about fashion trends and about Jesus and about technology. And we want Jesus to be at the center of a family. So that's what Axis is all about.\r\n\r\nAnn (01:40):\r\n\r\nI hope every parent listening just leaned forward and thought \u201cI need this program.\u201d\r\n\r\nDave (01:44):\r\n\r\nI knew they did. I was like, they're all like, \u201cHow do I get this? How do I get this?\u201d Axis.org.\r\n\r\nDavid (01:50):\r\n\r\nYeah. Axis, A-X-I-S, not A-C-C-E-S-S. So axis.org and go there and check out The Culture Translator; comes out every Friday. It says, \u201cHere are three things going on in your kids' world,\u201d and it is awesome.\r\n\r\nDave (02:04):\r\n\r\nOh, I get it. Every time I have no idea what you're talking about when I start reading it. I'm like, I don't have teenagers in the home anymore, but it's like we need to be on top of this understanding culture, especially if you're parents of preteens or teenagers, you want to be able to talk their language and understand what's going on and start conversations. But one of the reasons I brought this up really early, you said you have like three what, trick questions?\r\n\r\nDavid (02:27):\r\n\r\nOh yeah. I am hijacking this radio show right now.\r\n\r\nDave (02:29):\r\n\r\nAll right. Let's see it.\r\n\r\nDavid (02:30):\r\n\r\nIt's like enough interviewing me. I'm interviewing you now. So the tables have turned, Wilson.\r\n\r\nDave:\r\n\r\nThis has never happened. \r\n\r\nDavid:\r\n\r\nWatch out! Game on. \r\n\r\nDave (02:39):\r\n\r\nI guarantee my wife will be able to answer all three of these.\r\n\r\nAnn (02:42):\r\n\r\nNo, I will not.\r\n\r\nDave (02:43):\r\n\r\nI won't be able to answer any of them.\r\n\r\nDavid (02:44):\r\n\r\nOkay. Well, there's three trick questions and there's scenarios, there's situations.\r\n\r\nDave:\r\n\r\nOh no.\r\n\r\nDavid:\r\n\r\nSo bear with me. So the first one is you were looking for something in your 17-year old's room because, clearly, he took something of yours\u2014and maybe you lost it\u2014and you're just like looking. You were an innocent, awesome parent, looking. So you're looking and you can't find it. So you're like, \"I'll look in his closet. Maybe it's in his closet.\" So you open up the closet, see, \u201cOh, there's a box down there.\u201d So you're like, \"Maybe it's in the box.\" So you pick up the box, you open the box and as you look inside the box, you find a half-consumed bottle of whiskey. What do you do, Wilsons?\r\n\r\nDave (03:27):\r\n\r\nI say, \"Ann, you might want to have a conversation with our sons about this.\u201d No, I mean, honestly, here's my answer. I'm not saying it's the right answer. I'd love to know what Ann would do, but I would go to Ann and we'd go, \"Hey, look what I found. Let's sit down with whoever's son's room it was.\" All three of our sons were in the same room, so it could have been any one of the three. I'd probably choose the oldest one first and say, \"Is this yours and can we talk?\" I mean, we did find porn on our home computer when our oldest was 13 and that's exactly what we did. We sat down and first Ann said, \"Is it you?\" And I said, \"No, it's not me.\" And then we had a conversation and he admitted it was him and it led to a really good conversation that is ongoing.\r\n\r\nDave (04:18):\r\n\r\nSo anyway, that's what I would do.\r\n\r\nDavid (04:20):\r\n\r\nI have two questions about that. First of all\u2014\r\n\r\nDave (04:22):\r\n\r\nYou're not allowed to ask another one!\r\n\r\nDavid (04:23):\r\n\r\nOh yeah. Oh, it's on. It is on. You thought this was safe. How would you feel when you opened the box for the first time, and you see those things down there? What would you feel?\r\n\r\nAnn (04:34):\r\n\r\nOh, I would have just a pit in my stomach, especially if you were non-suspecting. Like if you had no idea and you find that, I would cry, honestly. My first thought was same thing. I would take it to Dave. If he wasn't home at that time, I'd probably\u2014and I did this many, many times\u2014I'd get on my knees. I'd tell Jesus everything I'm feeling. \u201cI'm afraid. Lord, what's happening? I don't know what to do. I don't know what to say. What should I do?\u201d James 1 says that He will give us wisdom and\u2014 \r\n\r\nDavid:\r\n\r\nGenerously will give wisdom. \r\n\r\nAnn:\r\n\r\nGenerously. And I would pray like, \u201cLord, we need wisdom.\u201d These are scenarios that we actually did.\r\n\r\nDave (05:13):\r\n\r\nI\u2019m laughing because I thought you were going to say what you did when one of our sons came home drunk. She kicked him out of bed, said, \"You're going to do the front yard right now.\" And she's yelling at him the front yard like, \"Who do you think you are?\u201d \r\n\r\nAnn (05:24):\r\n\r\nDavid, this wasn't a good moment.\r\n\r\nDave (05:26):\r\n\r\nThis wasn't a\u2014\r\n\r\nAnn (05:26):\r\n\r\nIt wasn't a good moment for me because it had happened before; and this time, I mean, he came home reeking of alcohol. And so he's like, \"I just need to go to bed.\" It was prom night. And so I reacted instead of responded. I didn't pray. I didn't do anything. I'm like, \"Get out of bed because you are working today.\" And so yeah, I was not calm or cool by any\u2014nothing. \r\n\r\nDavid (05:53):\r\n\r\nDid he do a good job on the yard?\r\n\r\nAnn (05:55):\r\n\r\nYeah. \r\n\r\nDavid (05:55):\r\n\r\nWas it nice and level?\u2014straight lines?\r\n\r\nAnn (05:57):\r\n\r\nIt was super sad thinking back about it. Like he was crying. This 18-year-old boy was crying the whole time. I think sometimes as parents we do, like I had to apologize later, probably wasn't the best way to respond in the moment, but I did say like, \"I'm so afraid. I'm afraid and my fear caused me to react.\" So we had that conversation and then I feel like God salvaged it because I remember saying to him like, \"You're amazing and I can see that God has so much for you. I can't wait to see all that he has for you. And I get scared because I think, \u2018Oh, don't waste all that he has.\u2019\" So I said so many wrong things. I might have said a few good things, but as parents we do, we make mistakes and when we're in it, we don't always respond well.\r\n\r\nDave (06:46):\r\n\r\nGod did redeem the moment, and he's an amazing man and father. \r\n\r\nAnn:\r\n\r\nYeah, he's amazing. \r\n\r\nDavid (06:51):\r\n\r\nAnd he hasn't made a mistake since. That's really great.\r\n\r\nDave (06:53):\r\n\r\nJust like his dad!\r\n\r\nDavid (06:54):\r\n\r\nAnd there's one final clarifying question because everybody who's listening to this wants to know, you mentioned finding something on your computer and you said you kind of teamed up, talked about it, the conversation went really well. Why did it go really well? What happened? Because that's not\u2014 \r\n\r\nDave (07:14):\r\n\r\nHey, you're hijacking the show. You really are.\r\n\r\nDavid (07:15):\r\n\r\nI told you. This is not a surprise because I made it clear. I'm hijacking.\r\n\r\nDave (07:20):\r\n\r\nI mean, when I look back, I can see us sitting there in the basement, having this conversation, because it's one of those parenting moments where you hope it will never happen, but you know it could happen, and here we are. I think we listened. We said, \"Tell us your story. Tell us what's going on. Why did we find this?\" \r\n\r\nDavid:\r\n\r\nWow. \r\n\r\nDave:\r\n\r\nAnd he was very honest.\r\n\r\nAnn (07:44):\r\n\r\nBut Dave, I think the thing that really\u2014I feel like was so impactful\u2014is you started to cry; because you said, \"This has been my struggle when I was younger. Man, I hate for you to have to experience what I've gone through.\" And so I think that was so impactful for you to relate, like, \"Man, I've struggled with this too.\" And I think his response then, was he cried, too, and was basically saying, \"What do I do?\u201d\r\n\r\nDave (08:12):\r\n\r\nYeah. And honestly, it wasn't tears of, \"Oh, my kid messed up.\" It was tears of, \u201cI know this battle. You are stepping into a war zone, dude. It's a hard journey. I'll walk it with you,\u201d but that was my tears like, oh man.\r\n\r\nAnn (08:30):\r\n\r\nAnd that happened more than once in our home.\r\n\r\nDave (08:32):\r\n\r\nYeah.\r\n\r\nAnn (08:33):\r\n\r\nLots of times stuff like that happened.\r\n\r\nDave (08:35):\r\n\r\nAnyway, back to the trick question.\r\n\r\nDavid (08:37):\r\n\r\nWell, first of all, it's kind of just a metaphor, or a parable, and for like, how would you react? How would you respond? How would you feel? So thank you for giving us beautiful insights into your story. It's a real story. It happened to a friend of mine. But then I have a parent say, \"Oh, you wouldn't believe what I found in my son's glove compartment.\"\r\n\r\n(08:58):\r\n\r\nOr \u201cOur plumber was in the house, and he's fixing something in our kid's bathroom and found something behind the sink.\u201d Here's the trick question or the aspect of this. One is that whatever is the box and what's inside the box can become an adversary between you and your kids, and then that is just really tough. If you're not on the same team and you're like opposing each other. But the real punchline with the box, the real punchline is that what's inside the box\u2014that cultural artifact: that marijuana, that self-harm, that cutting, that perfectionism, that personal shame\u2014that will kill your body. What is inside the box will kill your body. But the box, that secrecy, will kill your soul. It says, \"I've got to hide this from my parents,\u201d \u201cI've got to hide this from God,\u201d \u201cI've got to hide this from other people,\u201d \u201cWhere are my fig leaves?\u201d\r\n\r\n(10:00):\r\n\r\n\u201cI don't belong here, like I'm unworthy,\u201d or \u201cThis is my secret, special sin.\" As they say in AA: \u201cWe're only as sick as our secrets.\u201d And guess what? The box isn't just in the closet; it's in our pockets now. It's called a smartphone.\r\n\r\nDave (10:21):\r\n\r\nYou're listening to FamilyLife Today. I'm Dave Wilson. And before we continue our conversation, let me just say this. We meet a ton of couples who say FamilyLife helped them when they needed it the most. And that's what being a FamilyLife Partner is all about, helping others find that same encouragement and tools that you found right here.\r\n\r\nAnn (10:40):\r\n\r\nAnd we'd love for you to join us. So click the donate button at FamilyLifeToday.com and become a partner today.\r\n\r\nDavid (10:51):\r\n\r\nSecond question. I'll frame this up as an awesome youth pastor failure, because I was a youth pastor and I had an awesome youth pastor failure. There's a family, they invited me over to their house because I was supposed to mediate\u2014first problem\u2014between a mom and her teenage daughter and her teenage son. Here I am, Axis. I wrote the book, Engaging Your Teen's World, have The Culture Translator. And so I was like, \"I can help.\" So I go over and try to help with smartphones. It was total failure. They wouldn't even look at each other. Mad tears down this young lady's face. Mad, mad\u2014not sad tears\u2014mad tears.\r\n\r\nAnn (11:28):\r\n\r\nWhy was she mad?\r\n\r\nDavid (11:30):\r\n\r\n\u201cYou don't understand my mom,\u201d and is from a divorced family. So what ended up over the smartphone fight is that this young lady got two smartphones\u2014one for her mom's house and one for her dad's house so that now her parents can effectively show who's the better parent is. And so she's effectively triangulated them. The mom would take the smartphone away and wouldn't say what the kid could do to get it back or when they were getting it back. And if they asked, she held onto it longer. So there were some challenges, right? As we all have challenges, it's hard. The smartphone is hard. But as I was walking down the steps of this house, there were some nice flowers I remember to my right, stone steps, gravel driveway, little circle in front of the house to get in my car. The young lady said to me a phrase I will never forget, and this is my second question for you, Dave and Ann.\r\n\r\n(12:22):\r\n\r\nShe says, \u201cDavid,\u201d she said, \u201cthe stricter the parent, the sneakier of the teenager.\u201d My question to you: true or false?\r\n\r\nAnn (12:29):\r\n\r\nI would say that's true if there's no relationship going on with the kids. Meaning if it's all about rules and regulations and towing the line, then the teenager would become sneaky. What do you think?\r\n\r\nDave (12:42):\r\n\r\nI agree. I think it's true.\r\n\r\nDavid (12:45):\r\n\r\nSo when you say relationship, what do you mean relationship? Of course there's a relationship there. What kind of relationship? Tell me more.\r\n\r\nAnn (12:54):\r\n\r\nIf the kids feel loved, encouraged to talk\u2014to share their heart, to share their mind, to share their opinion, to share their fears with their parents\u2014that's what I mean by relationship, that the door is open for communication. I feel like that's one of the things I did poorly, at times, as a mom of a teenager. I became so fearful of what they were doing that I wasn't as concerned about their heart. And this is from our kids telling us now as adults. My one said, \"Mom, you were more concerned about my actions than why I was doing the things that I was doing. Like you weren't concerned about me, you were concerned about what I was doing.\"\r\n\r\nDave (13:37):\r\n\r\nYeah. More concerned about behavior than my heart.\r\n\r\nAnn (13:39):\r\n\r\nYeah.\r\n\r\nDave (13:40):\r\n\r\nIs that sort of what this daughter was getting at?\r\n\r\nDavid (13:42):\r\n\r\nYes. I mean, when I heard the statement, it feels like it was a paradox because it's like, of course that's true. The stricter you are, the more one tries to control, the other one will try to control back and it's a control fight. So control begets control; but then it felt deep down like it was like some type of illusion or like a magic trick or like a slight of hand like, no, that's not true because of some type of relationship thing. So if you could unpack bad, strict versus good strict, Dave, that'd be helpful. And then I'll share what I believe is a potential answer, not to the stricter, but to the actual paradox.\r\n\r\nDave (14:20):\r\n\r\nWe wrote a book on parenting, and we tried to get a little bit into that idea, that rules are good. Strict is fine. You've got to lay down boundaries for your kids when they're toddlers and when they're teenagers. It isn't like the greatest parents are the most permissive and there's no rules. In fact, as you interview teens, they want rules. They really do.\r\n\r\nAnn (14:41):\r\n\r\nI had one 14-year-old say, \"My mom and dad have never given me one rule in my life, and I feel like they don't love me.\"\r\n\r\nDave (14:47):\r\n\r\nWow.\r\n\r\nAnn (14:48):\r\n\r\nWhich was really interesting for a 14-year-old to say.\r\n\r\nDave (14:51):\r\n\r\nYeah. So I guess I'm going at the idea that yes, you lay down rules, but it has to be in the context of a loving relationship where they're feeling heard. They can push back on those rules. Let's have a conversation and they feel like mom and dad really will have a conversation. It may still end up the rule's not getting pushed\u2014\r\n\r\nDavid (15:11):\r\n\r\nRight.\r\n\r\nDave (15:11):\r\n\r\n\u2014at all, but I feel heard and seen. Again, I'm not saying that's perfect because those can be really messy and ugly, but the key I think is if the rule's a good rule, then keep it, but make sure your teen understands it, is able to push back on it, and\u2014\r\n\r\nAnn (15:27):\r\n\r\nHas an opinion about it.\r\n\r\nDave (15:28):\r\n\r\n\u2014you hear that. Sometimes, when you hear it, you go, \"Okay, I'm going to adjust it a little bit;\" the rule still here. I remember one of our sons said to us\u2014because we had a conversation at the dinner table. I think we've shared this here before, but Ann said, \"Hey, tell us some things that you don't like about our parenting.\" This was when they were teenagers.\r\n\r\nAnn (15:46):\r\n\r\n\u201cMaybe, some rules that you guys think that it's dumb. That's a dumb rule.\u201d\r\n\r\nDavid:\r\n\r\nBold. \r\n\r\nDave (15:49):\r\n\r\nWhich by the way, is a great conversation to have at your dinner table or wherever. Ask your kids this. A lot of parents are like, \"I don't want to know.\" No, you do, you should know. And one of our sons said, \"I think it's stupid that when you guys are gone, I can't have a girlfriend over here.\" \"Well, tell us why you think that's stupid.\" \"Well, I'm mature enough\u201d\u2014blah, blah, blah. And at the end of day, we're like, \"You know what? That's not a stupid rule. You're not going to have a girlfriend over here when we\u2019re gone.\"\r\n\r\nAnn (16:11):\r\n\r\nWell, we kind of explained our side of it. Here's why, here's what we're thinking. He also said, \"I think it's dumb that you guys give me this bedtime. I'm in high school now. I should be able to determine\u2014\" And it wasn't that we had a strict bedtime, but what I would say like, \"Man, you should get to bed.\" He's like, \"I can figure that out.\" And I said, \"You're right.\"\r\n\r\nDave (16:30):\r\n\r\nSo we let that one go. But I think at the end of the day, he would say, \"I felt hurt.\" Even though they kept the one rule, they still let me push back. So is that what you're saying?\r\n\r\nDavid (16:39):\r\n\r\nYeah, you're building that trust, right? So this young lady says this to me: \u201cThe stricter the parent, the sneakier the teenager.\u201d I agreed and disagreed simultaneously. And then I realized this is a great question to ask. So I'd ask it to my friends, and then it really brought some great vulnerability from that. And so at a dinner party, or every now and then, I'd talk to somebody, and I was trying to figure it out. I was like, \u201cWhere's the answer?\u201d And so a grandfather actually solved the riddle, and do you know how he solved it? He solved it by answering my question with a question. He says, \"Are you raising a sin-concealer, or are you raising a sin-confessor?\" So one, I just want to say thank you to the people at FamilyLife because the person who brought that up to me was Bob Lepine.\r\n\r\nDave (17:22):\r\n\r\nReally?\r\n\r\nDavid (17:23):\r\n\r\nIt was his answer. So FamilyLife has been very good to Axis. So thank you even to have me out today is such an honor for me and the team. But yeah, that idea of sin-concealer versus sin-confessor is the heart of the gospel and how we deal with forgiveness\u2014like you said, Ann\u2014you ask for forgiveness from your kid for overreacting before. And so how do we know if you're raising a sin-concealer versus a sin-confessor is: \u201cAre you modeling confession? Is it okay to say, \u2018Lord, have mercy on me a sinner\u2019?\u201d How do we understand that we're supposed to forgive as we've been forgiven? Forgiveness is still hard for me. It doesn't fit the math, the calculus of reality. We want to have karma. We want to have \u201cYou reap what you sow,\u201d in many ways, but we have a God who's stepped into reality and stepped into our world and said, \"No, you're forgiven.\"\r\n\r\nDave (18:23):\r\n\r\nAnd it's important, don't you think, to confess your sin to your kids? I mean, the sin that you've hurt them: I disciplined you this way, it was hard, whatever it is, it's a healthy conversation to say I'm sorry.\r\n\r\nDavid (18:36):\r\n\r\nAbsolutely. It's actually a really\u2014it requires wisdom that we should ask for God, and He will generously give. We do not doubt on how to confess, and who to confess to, and what to say. And even the question of like, \u201cHow much do I tell my kids about my past?\u2014and when?\u201d Well, they need to hear because there's a reason, where you said, \"Trust me, nothing good's going to happen at our house, after 9 o'clock at night, when we're not there, with your girlfriend,\u201d or 10 o'clock or 11 or whatever. And so, \u201cWell, why?\u201d \u201cWell, you're just not going to do it right now,\u201d or \u201cI'm going to tell you later,\u201d or \u201cWe're going to go out for coffee and we're going to figure this out.\u201d Okay, so here's the deal: sin-concealing versus sin-confessing.\r\n\r\nDave (19:17):\r\n\r\nI knew Bob Lepine would end up back in the studio.\r\n\r\nAnn (19:19):\r\n\r\nOf course, sounds like a pastor's sermon.\r\n\r\nDavid (19:22):\r\n\r\nYeah, that'll preach, right? That'll preach.\r\n\r\nAnn (19:23):\r\n\r\nYeah.\r\n\r\nDave (19:24):\r\n\r\nWell, I have preached, literally. I can see it in my sermon notes, \u201cConceal equals death, reveal equals life.\u201d I was, obviously, talking about our relationship with God, as if we all conceal, we all hide, we all have fig leaves\u2014and it always leads to death\u2014because if you're playing something in the dark, the dark's going to win. But if you bring it to the light, which is the scariest thing ever to tell your spouse, or a teenager to tell your parents, or a parent to even confess something to their teenage son or daughter that they've done wrong is scary, but it always leads the light always leads to life, right?\r\n\r\nDavid (20:01):\r\n\r\nSo tell me how. How do you raise a sin-confessor? How have you done it? How have you done it right? How have you done it wrong?\r\n\r\nDave (20:07):\r\n\r\nWell, you're the guy who wrote the book on understanding teens. You must have an answer.\r\n\r\nDavid (20:13):\r\n\r\nI just like to lob these really amazing philosophical conundrums, wrapped in enigmas.\r\n\r\nDave (20:19):\r\n\r\nI mean, my only thought\u2014and Ann's sitting right here, so she can say if it's a lie or it's true\u2014is modeling in front of our kids what it looks like.\r\n\r\nAnn (20:28):\r\n\r\nYeah, that's what I was going to say too. \r\n\r\nDave:\r\n\r\nTo confess it. \r\n\r\nAnn:\r\n\r\nAnd our kids have not been perfect, and we have not been perfect. There are many times that they have hidden their sin, we have hidden our sin, but there's a beauty of being able to confess it. And we're big confessors, of saying, \"You guys, we messed up.\" And so I think that modeling is probably the thing that we\u2014\r\n\r\nDavid (20:48):\r\n\r\nAll right, I want to actually hear this. So you messed up and then it takes a full week for you to come around or it's just like 30 minutes later, you're just like, \"I messed up.\" What did you\u2014\r\n\r\nDave (20:58):\r\n\r\nI would say for me, often weeks.\r\n\r\nDavid (21:02):\r\n\r\nOkay.\r\n\r\nDave (21:03):\r\n\r\nAnd there were probably times where it was pretty immediate, but a lot of times it's like I concealed that sin, secret for a while. It's like, \u201cI'm going to beat this on my own,\u201d whether it's a struggle with a phone or you name it. And then it's like, \"No, I'm not winning this thing. I need help.\" So Ann's one of the first partners that knows the truth and then my guys I'm doing life with. That's the other thing I think my sons\u2014we just had three sons\u2014they saw dad in relationship with men that were his accountability partners and soldiers beside me. So that's a modeling as well. So they knew I was saying that to these guys and that, hopefully, helped them to say, \"This is how a man lives. You don't conceal, you reveal.\"\r\n\r\nDavid (21:50):\r\n\r\nI will say again, this is something that will make you address your own shame, and Axis is going to help you with social media and smartphones and video games and all the other stuff. All of those are kind of artifacts that are out there, constellations of issues that are out there. But oftentimes, it comes back as, \u201cDo I believe what God says about who I am?\u201d and \u201cHow am I dealing with my personal shame?\u201d Because if you're parenting out of shame, that's a hard parent to be parented by. So again, it is modeling\u2014and I think, especially if you blow it with your kid, to come back to them and to say, \"I'm sorry.\" And this is something we do with our kids and it's just like, \"I hope they remember this, and I hope this just becomes part of their vocabulary\u2014I'm sorry I was wrong. Will you forgive me?\u201d\r\n\r\n(22:42):\r\n\r\nThose are three things. And sometimes, it's very heartfelt. And then, I'll hear my kids say it back to us and they'll be like, \"I'm sorry; I was wrong. Will you forgive me?\" Or \"I'm just sorry. Will you forgive me?\u201d or \u201cI was wrong. Will you forgive me?\" All three of those components are really important\u2014to really own it, and realize it, and then to invite them\u2014and honestly, to say that you don't have to forgive me. \r\n\r\nDave:\r\n\r\nYeah, and it may take time. \r\n\r\nDavid:\r\n\r\nYeah. I'm okay with the time on this because this is one of those things that it just doesn't always solve itself.\r\n\r\nDave (23:14):\r\n\r\nAll right. So you got a third question?\r\n\r\nDavid (23:15):\r\n\r\nOh, I do. \r\n\r\nDave:\r\n\r\nYou said there were three. \r\n\r\nDavid:\r\n\r\nI do. This is a doozy. So the third question is, and this is the number one question we get asked, is \u201cAt what age should I get my kid a smartphone?\u201d\r\n\r\nDave (23:28):\r\n\r\nYou know what? We're out of time. \r\n\r\nAnn (23:29):\r\n\r\nWell, going to have to save this one for tomorrow.\r\n\r\nDave (23:32):\r\n\r\nYep. Stay tuned. We'll answer that tomorrow.\r\n\r\nAnn (23:39):\r\n\r\nMan, I think this is just such good stuff with David Eaton today.\r\n\r\nDave (23:43):\r\n\r\nI mean, every parent is eating this up. \r\n\r\nAnn:\r\n\r\nI know. \r\n\r\nDave:\r\n\r\nI mean, this guy understands your teenager's world. In fact, that's his book that you want to get. It's called Engaging Your Teen's World: Understanding what Today's Youth Are Thinking, Doing, and Watching. And you can get it right now at FamilyLifeToday.com. Just click on the link in the show notes.\r\n\r\nAnn (24:03):\r\n\r\nAnd we'll have David back with us tomorrow.\r\n\r\nDave (24:05):\r\n\r\nMan, if this stuff is hitting home with you, we get it because parenting and raising kids, it's really, really hard.\r\n\r\nAnn (24:14):\r\n\r\nI think sometimes we just have questions. We have more questions than answers actually. \r\n\r\nDave:\r\n\r\nI know I do. \r\n\r\nAnn:\r\n\r\nSo we pulled together some of our most helpful parenting pieces into one spot.\r\n\r\nDave (24:23):\r\n\r\nAnd actually you can get that content right now. Here's how you do it. Go to FamilyLife.com\/ParentingHelp. Did you hear me? Go to FamilyLife.com\/ParentingHelp and you will find some of the best stuff we've ever done on parenting.\r\n\r\nAnn (24:45):\r\n\r\nFamilyLife Today is a donor-supported production of FamilyLife\u00ae, a Cru\u00ae ministry; celebrating 50 years of helping you pursue the relationships that matter most.\r\n\r\nIf you\u2019ve benefited from the FamilyLife Today transcripts, would you consider donating today to help defray the costs of producing them and making them available online?\r\n\r\nCopyright \u00a9 2026 FamilyLife. All rights reserved.\r\n\r\nwww.FamilyLife.com\n"],"transcript_url":["https:\/\/transcript.familylife.com\/fl2026-07-28.pdf"],"ssp_guid":["https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/%series%\/loving-your-teen-when-its-hard-david-eaton\/"],"_uag_page_assets":["a:9:{s:3:\"css\";s:82560:\".wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape-top svg{width: calc( 100% + 1.3px );}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape.uagb-container__shape-top .uagb-container__shape-fill{fill: rgba(51,51,51,1);}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape-bottom svg{width: calc( 100% + 1.3px );}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape.uagb-container__shape-bottom .uagb-container__shape-fill{fill: rgba(51,51,51,1);}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__video-wrap video{opacity: 1;}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-is-root-container .uagb-block-e11dbe9f{max-width: 100%;width: 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Coyle","author_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/author\/margaret-coyle-a9eb952f\/"},"uagb_comment_info":0,"uagb_excerpt":"David Eaton shares practical ways to respond with wisdom, connection, and love when the stakes feel high.","meta_box":{"show_notes":"\n<ul>\n<li>\n<p>Find resources to help connect with your teen at <a href=\"https:\/\/axis.org\/\">axis.org<\/a><\/p>\n<\/li>\n<li>Listen to this podcast <a href=\"https:\/\/www.familylife.com\/podcast\/familylife-today\/when-adult-children-walk-away-from-faith-practical-moves-for-waiting-parents\/\">When Adult Children Walk Away from Faith: Practical Moves for Waiting Parents<\/a><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<hr>\n<ul>\n<li>Thanks to the Christian Standard Bible for sponsoring this episode. Learn more at <a href=\"https:\/\/CSBible.com\">CSBible.com<\/a>.<\/li>\n<li>Follow us on all social platforms: <a href=\"https:\/\/www.facebook.com\/familylifeministry\">Facebook<\/a> | <a href=\"https:\/\/www.instagram.com\/familylife.today\/\">Instagram<\/a> | <a href=\"https:\/\/www.youtube.com\/playlist?list=PLSzse1nmlqbLhDx5FpGVDgLmxy1rmQBau\">YouTube<\/a><\/li>\n<li>Find resources from our podcast at <a href=\"https:\/\/shop.familylife.com\/product-category\/radio-resources\/\">shop.familylife.com<\/a>.<\/li>\n<li>Download <a href=\"https:\/\/www.familylife.com\/app\/\">FamilyLife's app<\/a>!<\/li>\n<li>Help others find FamilyLife. Leave a review on <a href=\"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303\">Apple Podcast<\/a> or <a href=\"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm?si=d6dfa8d2415f4750\">Spotify<\/a>.<\/li>\n<li>Check out all the FamilyLife's podcasts on the <a href=\"https:\/\/www.familylife.com\/familylife-podcast-network\/\">FamilyLife Podcast Network<\/a><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n\n","transcript_url":"https:\/\/transcript.familylife.com\/fl2026-07-28.pdf","transcript_content":"\nFamilyLife Today\u00ae with Dave and Ann Wilson - Web Version Transcript\r\n\r\nThis content has been generated by an artificial intelligence language model. While we strive for accuracy and quality, please note that the information provided will most likely not be entirely error-free or up-to-date. We recommend independently verifying the content with the originally-released audio. This transcript is provided for your personal use and general information purposes only. References to conferences, resources, or other special promotions may be obsolete. We do not assume any responsibility or liability for the use or interpretation of this content.\r\n\r\nLoving Your Teen When It\u2019s Hard\r\n\r\nGuest:David Eaton\r\n\r\nFrom the series:Why Teens Walk Away (Day 2 of 3)\r\n\r\nAir date:July 28, 2026\r\n\r\nDavid (00:04):\r\n\r\nHow do we know if you're raising a sin-concealer versus a sin-confessor is, are you modeling confession? Is it okay to say, \u201cLord, have mercy on me a sinner?\u201d How do we understand that we're supposed to forgive as we've been forgiven? We want to have karma. We want to have \u201cYou reap what you sow,\u201d in many ways, but we have a God who's stepped into reality, and stepped into our world and said, \u201cNo, you are forgiven.\u201d\r\n\r\nDave (00:40):\r\n\r\nWelcome to FamilyLife Today where we want to help you pursue the relationships that matter most. I'm Dave Wilson.\r\n\r\nAnn (00:46):\r\n\r\nAnd I'm Ann Wilson and you can find us at FamilyLifeToday.com. This is FamilyLife Today.\r\n\r\nDave (00:59):\r\n\r\nSo we've got David Eaton in the studio today. David is a teenage expert. Not really. \r\n\r\nDavid:\r\n\r\nWow. \r\n\r\nDave:\r\n\r\nHe's an expert on raising teenagers because you started a ministry called Axis. You communicate with 200,000 parents and teenagers a month?\r\n\r\nDavid (01:15):\r\n\r\nOh yeah.\r\n\r\nDave (01:16):\r\n\r\nAbout what?\r\n\r\nDavid (01:17):\r\n\r\nNo, we equip 200,000 parents\u2014 \r\n\r\nDave (01:20):\r\n\r\nWow, that's even better.\r\n\r\nDavid (01:20):\r\n\r\n\u2014who have 400,000 tweens and teens in their life. We help them have non-anxious Christ-centered conversations about culture and about TikTok and about fashion trends and about Jesus and about technology. And we want Jesus to be at the center of a family. So that's what Axis is all about.\r\n\r\nAnn (01:40):\r\n\r\nI hope every parent listening just leaned forward and thought \u201cI need this program.\u201d\r\n\r\nDave (01:44):\r\n\r\nI knew they did. I was like, they're all like, \u201cHow do I get this? How do I get this?\u201d Axis.org.\r\n\r\nDavid (01:50):\r\n\r\nYeah. Axis, A-X-I-S, not A-C-C-E-S-S. So axis.org and go there and check out The Culture Translator; comes out every Friday. It says, \u201cHere are three things going on in your kids' world,\u201d and it is awesome.\r\n\r\nDave (02:04):\r\n\r\nOh, I get it. Every time I have no idea what you're talking about when I start reading it. I'm like, I don't have teenagers in the home anymore, but it's like we need to be on top of this understanding culture, especially if you're parents of preteens or teenagers, you want to be able to talk their language and understand what's going on and start conversations. But one of the reasons I brought this up really early, you said you have like three what, trick questions?\r\n\r\nDavid (02:27):\r\n\r\nOh yeah. I am hijacking this radio show right now.\r\n\r\nDave (02:29):\r\n\r\nAll right. Let's see it.\r\n\r\nDavid (02:30):\r\n\r\nIt's like enough interviewing me. I'm interviewing you now. So the tables have turned, Wilson.\r\n\r\nDave:\r\n\r\nThis has never happened. \r\n\r\nDavid:\r\n\r\nWatch out! Game on. \r\n\r\nDave (02:39):\r\n\r\nI guarantee my wife will be able to answer all three of these.\r\n\r\nAnn (02:42):\r\n\r\nNo, I will not.\r\n\r\nDave (02:43):\r\n\r\nI won't be able to answer any of them.\r\n\r\nDavid (02:44):\r\n\r\nOkay. Well, there's three trick questions and there's scenarios, there's situations.\r\n\r\nDave:\r\n\r\nOh no.\r\n\r\nDavid:\r\n\r\nSo bear with me. So the first one is you were looking for something in your 17-year old's room because, clearly, he took something of yours\u2014and maybe you lost it\u2014and you're just like looking. You were an innocent, awesome parent, looking. So you're looking and you can't find it. So you're like, \"I'll look in his closet. Maybe it's in his closet.\" So you open up the closet, see, \u201cOh, there's a box down there.\u201d So you're like, \"Maybe it's in the box.\" So you pick up the box, you open the box and as you look inside the box, you find a half-consumed bottle of whiskey. What do you do, Wilsons?\r\n\r\nDave (03:27):\r\n\r\nI say, \"Ann, you might want to have a conversation with our sons about this.\u201d No, I mean, honestly, here's my answer. I'm not saying it's the right answer. I'd love to know what Ann would do, but I would go to Ann and we'd go, \"Hey, look what I found. Let's sit down with whoever's son's room it was.\" All three of our sons were in the same room, so it could have been any one of the three. I'd probably choose the oldest one first and say, \"Is this yours and can we talk?\" I mean, we did find porn on our home computer when our oldest was 13 and that's exactly what we did. We sat down and first Ann said, \"Is it you?\" And I said, \"No, it's not me.\" And then we had a conversation and he admitted it was him and it led to a really good conversation that is ongoing.\r\n\r\nDave (04:18):\r\n\r\nSo anyway, that's what I would do.\r\n\r\nDavid (04:20):\r\n\r\nI have two questions about that. First of all\u2014\r\n\r\nDave (04:22):\r\n\r\nYou're not allowed to ask another one!\r\n\r\nDavid (04:23):\r\n\r\nOh yeah. Oh, it's on. It is on. You thought this was safe. How would you feel when you opened the box for the first time, and you see those things down there? What would you feel?\r\n\r\nAnn (04:34):\r\n\r\nOh, I would have just a pit in my stomach, especially if you were non-suspecting. Like if you had no idea and you find that, I would cry, honestly. My first thought was same thing. I would take it to Dave. If he wasn't home at that time, I'd probably\u2014and I did this many, many times\u2014I'd get on my knees. I'd tell Jesus everything I'm feeling. \u201cI'm afraid. Lord, what's happening? I don't know what to do. I don't know what to say. What should I do?\u201d James 1 says that He will give us wisdom and\u2014 \r\n\r\nDavid:\r\n\r\nGenerously will give wisdom. \r\n\r\nAnn:\r\n\r\nGenerously. And I would pray like, \u201cLord, we need wisdom.\u201d These are scenarios that we actually did.\r\n\r\nDave (05:13):\r\n\r\nI\u2019m laughing because I thought you were going to say what you did when one of our sons came home drunk. She kicked him out of bed, said, \"You're going to do the front yard right now.\" And she's yelling at him the front yard like, \"Who do you think you are?\u201d \r\n\r\nAnn (05:24):\r\n\r\nDavid, this wasn't a good moment.\r\n\r\nDave (05:26):\r\n\r\nThis wasn't a\u2014\r\n\r\nAnn (05:26):\r\n\r\nIt wasn't a good moment for me because it had happened before; and this time, I mean, he came home reeking of alcohol. And so he's like, \"I just need to go to bed.\" It was prom night. And so I reacted instead of responded. I didn't pray. I didn't do anything. I'm like, \"Get out of bed because you are working today.\" And so yeah, I was not calm or cool by any\u2014nothing. \r\n\r\nDavid (05:53):\r\n\r\nDid he do a good job on the yard?\r\n\r\nAnn (05:55):\r\n\r\nYeah. \r\n\r\nDavid (05:55):\r\n\r\nWas it nice and level?\u2014straight lines?\r\n\r\nAnn (05:57):\r\n\r\nIt was super sad thinking back about it. Like he was crying. This 18-year-old boy was crying the whole time. I think sometimes as parents we do, like I had to apologize later, probably wasn't the best way to respond in the moment, but I did say like, \"I'm so afraid. I'm afraid and my fear caused me to react.\" So we had that conversation and then I feel like God salvaged it because I remember saying to him like, \"You're amazing and I can see that God has so much for you. I can't wait to see all that he has for you. And I get scared because I think, \u2018Oh, don't waste all that he has.\u2019\" So I said so many wrong things. I might have said a few good things, but as parents we do, we make mistakes and when we're in it, we don't always respond well.\r\n\r\nDave (06:46):\r\n\r\nGod did redeem the moment, and he's an amazing man and father. \r\n\r\nAnn:\r\n\r\nYeah, he's amazing. \r\n\r\nDavid (06:51):\r\n\r\nAnd he hasn't made a mistake since. That's really great.\r\n\r\nDave (06:53):\r\n\r\nJust like his dad!\r\n\r\nDavid (06:54):\r\n\r\nAnd there's one final clarifying question because everybody who's listening to this wants to know, you mentioned finding something on your computer and you said you kind of teamed up, talked about it, the conversation went really well. Why did it go really well? What happened? Because that's not\u2014 \r\n\r\nDave (07:14):\r\n\r\nHey, you're hijacking the show. You really are.\r\n\r\nDavid (07:15):\r\n\r\nI told you. This is not a surprise because I made it clear. I'm hijacking.\r\n\r\nDave (07:20):\r\n\r\nI mean, when I look back, I can see us sitting there in the basement, having this conversation, because it's one of those parenting moments where you hope it will never happen, but you know it could happen, and here we are. I think we listened. We said, \"Tell us your story. Tell us what's going on. Why did we find this?\" \r\n\r\nDavid:\r\n\r\nWow. \r\n\r\nDave:\r\n\r\nAnd he was very honest.\r\n\r\nAnn (07:44):\r\n\r\nBut Dave, I think the thing that really\u2014I feel like was so impactful\u2014is you started to cry; because you said, \"This has been my struggle when I was younger. Man, I hate for you to have to experience what I've gone through.\" And so I think that was so impactful for you to relate, like, \"Man, I've struggled with this too.\" And I think his response then, was he cried, too, and was basically saying, \"What do I do?\u201d\r\n\r\nDave (08:12):\r\n\r\nYeah. And honestly, it wasn't tears of, \"Oh, my kid messed up.\" It was tears of, \u201cI know this battle. You are stepping into a war zone, dude. It's a hard journey. I'll walk it with you,\u201d but that was my tears like, oh man.\r\n\r\nAnn (08:30):\r\n\r\nAnd that happened more than once in our home.\r\n\r\nDave (08:32):\r\n\r\nYeah.\r\n\r\nAnn (08:33):\r\n\r\nLots of times stuff like that happened.\r\n\r\nDave (08:35):\r\n\r\nAnyway, back to the trick question.\r\n\r\nDavid (08:37):\r\n\r\nWell, first of all, it's kind of just a metaphor, or a parable, and for like, how would you react? How would you respond? How would you feel? So thank you for giving us beautiful insights into your story. It's a real story. It happened to a friend of mine. But then I have a parent say, \"Oh, you wouldn't believe what I found in my son's glove compartment.\"\r\n\r\n(08:58):\r\n\r\nOr \u201cOur plumber was in the house, and he's fixing something in our kid's bathroom and found something behind the sink.\u201d Here's the trick question or the aspect of this. One is that whatever is the box and what's inside the box can become an adversary between you and your kids, and then that is just really tough. If you're not on the same team and you're like opposing each other. But the real punchline with the box, the real punchline is that what's inside the box\u2014that cultural artifact: that marijuana, that self-harm, that cutting, that perfectionism, that personal shame\u2014that will kill your body. What is inside the box will kill your body. But the box, that secrecy, will kill your soul. It says, \"I've got to hide this from my parents,\u201d \u201cI've got to hide this from God,\u201d \u201cI've got to hide this from other people,\u201d \u201cWhere are my fig leaves?\u201d\r\n\r\n(10:00):\r\n\r\n\u201cI don't belong here, like I'm unworthy,\u201d or \u201cThis is my secret, special sin.\" As they say in AA: \u201cWe're only as sick as our secrets.\u201d And guess what? The box isn't just in the closet; it's in our pockets now. It's called a smartphone.\r\n\r\nDave (10:21):\r\n\r\nYou're listening to FamilyLife Today. I'm Dave Wilson. And before we continue our conversation, let me just say this. We meet a ton of couples who say FamilyLife helped them when they needed it the most. And that's what being a FamilyLife Partner is all about, helping others find that same encouragement and tools that you found right here.\r\n\r\nAnn (10:40):\r\n\r\nAnd we'd love for you to join us. So click the donate button at FamilyLifeToday.com and become a partner today.\r\n\r\nDavid (10:51):\r\n\r\nSecond question. I'll frame this up as an awesome youth pastor failure, because I was a youth pastor and I had an awesome youth pastor failure. There's a family, they invited me over to their house because I was supposed to mediate\u2014first problem\u2014between a mom and her teenage daughter and her teenage son. Here I am, Axis. I wrote the book, Engaging Your Teen's World, have The Culture Translator. And so I was like, \"I can help.\" So I go over and try to help with smartphones. It was total failure. They wouldn't even look at each other. Mad tears down this young lady's face. Mad, mad\u2014not sad tears\u2014mad tears.\r\n\r\nAnn (11:28):\r\n\r\nWhy was she mad?\r\n\r\nDavid (11:30):\r\n\r\n\u201cYou don't understand my mom,\u201d and is from a divorced family. So what ended up over the smartphone fight is that this young lady got two smartphones\u2014one for her mom's house and one for her dad's house so that now her parents can effectively show who's the better parent is. And so she's effectively triangulated them. The mom would take the smartphone away and wouldn't say what the kid could do to get it back or when they were getting it back. And if they asked, she held onto it longer. So there were some challenges, right? As we all have challenges, it's hard. The smartphone is hard. But as I was walking down the steps of this house, there were some nice flowers I remember to my right, stone steps, gravel driveway, little circle in front of the house to get in my car. The young lady said to me a phrase I will never forget, and this is my second question for you, Dave and Ann.\r\n\r\n(12:22):\r\n\r\nShe says, \u201cDavid,\u201d she said, \u201cthe stricter the parent, the sneakier of the teenager.\u201d My question to you: true or false?\r\n\r\nAnn (12:29):\r\n\r\nI would say that's true if there's no relationship going on with the kids. Meaning if it's all about rules and regulations and towing the line, then the teenager would become sneaky. What do you think?\r\n\r\nDave (12:42):\r\n\r\nI agree. I think it's true.\r\n\r\nDavid (12:45):\r\n\r\nSo when you say relationship, what do you mean relationship? Of course there's a relationship there. What kind of relationship? Tell me more.\r\n\r\nAnn (12:54):\r\n\r\nIf the kids feel loved, encouraged to talk\u2014to share their heart, to share their mind, to share their opinion, to share their fears with their parents\u2014that's what I mean by relationship, that the door is open for communication. I feel like that's one of the things I did poorly, at times, as a mom of a teenager. I became so fearful of what they were doing that I wasn't as concerned about their heart. And this is from our kids telling us now as adults. My one said, \"Mom, you were more concerned about my actions than why I was doing the things that I was doing. Like you weren't concerned about me, you were concerned about what I was doing.\"\r\n\r\nDave (13:37):\r\n\r\nYeah. More concerned about behavior than my heart.\r\n\r\nAnn (13:39):\r\n\r\nYeah.\r\n\r\nDave (13:40):\r\n\r\nIs that sort of what this daughter was getting at?\r\n\r\nDavid (13:42):\r\n\r\nYes. I mean, when I heard the statement, it feels like it was a paradox because it's like, of course that's true. The stricter you are, the more one tries to control, the other one will try to control back and it's a control fight. So control begets control; but then it felt deep down like it was like some type of illusion or like a magic trick or like a slight of hand like, no, that's not true because of some type of relationship thing. So if you could unpack bad, strict versus good strict, Dave, that'd be helpful. And then I'll share what I believe is a potential answer, not to the stricter, but to the actual paradox.\r\n\r\nDave (14:20):\r\n\r\nWe wrote a book on parenting, and we tried to get a little bit into that idea, that rules are good. Strict is fine. You've got to lay down boundaries for your kids when they're toddlers and when they're teenagers. It isn't like the greatest parents are the most permissive and there's no rules. In fact, as you interview teens, they want rules. They really do.\r\n\r\nAnn (14:41):\r\n\r\nI had one 14-year-old say, \"My mom and dad have never given me one rule in my life, and I feel like they don't love me.\"\r\n\r\nDave (14:47):\r\n\r\nWow.\r\n\r\nAnn (14:48):\r\n\r\nWhich was really interesting for a 14-year-old to say.\r\n\r\nDave (14:51):\r\n\r\nYeah. So I guess I'm going at the idea that yes, you lay down rules, but it has to be in the context of a loving relationship where they're feeling heard. They can push back on those rules. Let's have a conversation and they feel like mom and dad really will have a conversation. It may still end up the rule's not getting pushed\u2014\r\n\r\nDavid (15:11):\r\n\r\nRight.\r\n\r\nDave (15:11):\r\n\r\n\u2014at all, but I feel heard and seen. Again, I'm not saying that's perfect because those can be really messy and ugly, but the key I think is if the rule's a good rule, then keep it, but make sure your teen understands it, is able to push back on it, and\u2014\r\n\r\nAnn (15:27):\r\n\r\nHas an opinion about it.\r\n\r\nDave (15:28):\r\n\r\n\u2014you hear that. Sometimes, when you hear it, you go, \"Okay, I'm going to adjust it a little bit;\" the rule still here. I remember one of our sons said to us\u2014because we had a conversation at the dinner table. I think we've shared this here before, but Ann said, \"Hey, tell us some things that you don't like about our parenting.\" This was when they were teenagers.\r\n\r\nAnn (15:46):\r\n\r\n\u201cMaybe, some rules that you guys think that it's dumb. That's a dumb rule.\u201d\r\n\r\nDavid:\r\n\r\nBold. \r\n\r\nDave (15:49):\r\n\r\nWhich by the way, is a great conversation to have at your dinner table or wherever. Ask your kids this. A lot of parents are like, \"I don't want to know.\" No, you do, you should know. And one of our sons said, \"I think it's stupid that when you guys are gone, I can't have a girlfriend over here.\" \"Well, tell us why you think that's stupid.\" \"Well, I'm mature enough\u201d\u2014blah, blah, blah. And at the end of day, we're like, \"You know what? That's not a stupid rule. You're not going to have a girlfriend over here when we\u2019re gone.\"\r\n\r\nAnn (16:11):\r\n\r\nWell, we kind of explained our side of it. Here's why, here's what we're thinking. He also said, \"I think it's dumb that you guys give me this bedtime. I'm in high school now. I should be able to determine\u2014\" And it wasn't that we had a strict bedtime, but what I would say like, \"Man, you should get to bed.\" He's like, \"I can figure that out.\" And I said, \"You're right.\"\r\n\r\nDave (16:30):\r\n\r\nSo we let that one go. But I think at the end of the day, he would say, \"I felt hurt.\" Even though they kept the one rule, they still let me push back. So is that what you're saying?\r\n\r\nDavid (16:39):\r\n\r\nYeah, you're building that trust, right? So this young lady says this to me: \u201cThe stricter the parent, the sneakier the teenager.\u201d I agreed and disagreed simultaneously. And then I realized this is a great question to ask. So I'd ask it to my friends, and then it really brought some great vulnerability from that. And so at a dinner party, or every now and then, I'd talk to somebody, and I was trying to figure it out. I was like, \u201cWhere's the answer?\u201d And so a grandfather actually solved the riddle, and do you know how he solved it? He solved it by answering my question with a question. He says, \"Are you raising a sin-concealer, or are you raising a sin-confessor?\" So one, I just want to say thank you to the people at FamilyLife because the person who brought that up to me was Bob Lepine.\r\n\r\nDave (17:22):\r\n\r\nReally?\r\n\r\nDavid (17:23):\r\n\r\nIt was his answer. So FamilyLife has been very good to Axis. So thank you even to have me out today is such an honor for me and the team. But yeah, that idea of sin-concealer versus sin-confessor is the heart of the gospel and how we deal with forgiveness\u2014like you said, Ann\u2014you ask for forgiveness from your kid for overreacting before. And so how do we know if you're raising a sin-concealer versus a sin-confessor is: \u201cAre you modeling confession? Is it okay to say, \u2018Lord, have mercy on me a sinner\u2019?\u201d How do we understand that we're supposed to forgive as we've been forgiven? Forgiveness is still hard for me. It doesn't fit the math, the calculus of reality. We want to have karma. We want to have \u201cYou reap what you sow,\u201d in many ways, but we have a God who's stepped into reality and stepped into our world and said, \"No, you're forgiven.\"\r\n\r\nDave (18:23):\r\n\r\nAnd it's important, don't you think, to confess your sin to your kids? I mean, the sin that you've hurt them: I disciplined you this way, it was hard, whatever it is, it's a healthy conversation to say I'm sorry.\r\n\r\nDavid (18:36):\r\n\r\nAbsolutely. It's actually a really\u2014it requires wisdom that we should ask for God, and He will generously give. We do not doubt on how to confess, and who to confess to, and what to say. And even the question of like, \u201cHow much do I tell my kids about my past?\u2014and when?\u201d Well, they need to hear because there's a reason, where you said, \"Trust me, nothing good's going to happen at our house, after 9 o'clock at night, when we're not there, with your girlfriend,\u201d or 10 o'clock or 11 or whatever. And so, \u201cWell, why?\u201d \u201cWell, you're just not going to do it right now,\u201d or \u201cI'm going to tell you later,\u201d or \u201cWe're going to go out for coffee and we're going to figure this out.\u201d Okay, so here's the deal: sin-concealing versus sin-confessing.\r\n\r\nDave (19:17):\r\n\r\nI knew Bob Lepine would end up back in the studio.\r\n\r\nAnn (19:19):\r\n\r\nOf course, sounds like a pastor's sermon.\r\n\r\nDavid (19:22):\r\n\r\nYeah, that'll preach, right? That'll preach.\r\n\r\nAnn (19:23):\r\n\r\nYeah.\r\n\r\nDave (19:24):\r\n\r\nWell, I have preached, literally. I can see it in my sermon notes, \u201cConceal equals death, reveal equals life.\u201d I was, obviously, talking about our relationship with God, as if we all conceal, we all hide, we all have fig leaves\u2014and it always leads to death\u2014because if you're playing something in the dark, the dark's going to win. But if you bring it to the light, which is the scariest thing ever to tell your spouse, or a teenager to tell your parents, or a parent to even confess something to their teenage son or daughter that they've done wrong is scary, but it always leads the light always leads to life, right?\r\n\r\nDavid (20:01):\r\n\r\nSo tell me how. How do you raise a sin-confessor? How have you done it? How have you done it right? How have you done it wrong?\r\n\r\nDave (20:07):\r\n\r\nWell, you're the guy who wrote the book on understanding teens. You must have an answer.\r\n\r\nDavid (20:13):\r\n\r\nI just like to lob these really amazing philosophical conundrums, wrapped in enigmas.\r\n\r\nDave (20:19):\r\n\r\nI mean, my only thought\u2014and Ann's sitting right here, so she can say if it's a lie or it's true\u2014is modeling in front of our kids what it looks like.\r\n\r\nAnn (20:28):\r\n\r\nYeah, that's what I was going to say too. \r\n\r\nDave:\r\n\r\nTo confess it. \r\n\r\nAnn:\r\n\r\nAnd our kids have not been perfect, and we have not been perfect. There are many times that they have hidden their sin, we have hidden our sin, but there's a beauty of being able to confess it. And we're big confessors, of saying, \"You guys, we messed up.\" And so I think that modeling is probably the thing that we\u2014\r\n\r\nDavid (20:48):\r\n\r\nAll right, I want to actually hear this. So you messed up and then it takes a full week for you to come around or it's just like 30 minutes later, you're just like, \"I messed up.\" What did you\u2014\r\n\r\nDave (20:58):\r\n\r\nI would say for me, often weeks.\r\n\r\nDavid (21:02):\r\n\r\nOkay.\r\n\r\nDave (21:03):\r\n\r\nAnd there were probably times where it was pretty immediate, but a lot of times it's like I concealed that sin, secret for a while. It's like, \u201cI'm going to beat this on my own,\u201d whether it's a struggle with a phone or you name it. And then it's like, \"No, I'm not winning this thing. I need help.\" So Ann's one of the first partners that knows the truth and then my guys I'm doing life with. That's the other thing I think my sons\u2014we just had three sons\u2014they saw dad in relationship with men that were his accountability partners and soldiers beside me. So that's a modeling as well. So they knew I was saying that to these guys and that, hopefully, helped them to say, \"This is how a man lives. You don't conceal, you reveal.\"\r\n\r\nDavid (21:50):\r\n\r\nI will say again, this is something that will make you address your own shame, and Axis is going to help you with social media and smartphones and video games and all the other stuff. All of those are kind of artifacts that are out there, constellations of issues that are out there. But oftentimes, it comes back as, \u201cDo I believe what God says about who I am?\u201d and \u201cHow am I dealing with my personal shame?\u201d Because if you're parenting out of shame, that's a hard parent to be parented by. So again, it is modeling\u2014and I think, especially if you blow it with your kid, to come back to them and to say, \"I'm sorry.\" And this is something we do with our kids and it's just like, \"I hope they remember this, and I hope this just becomes part of their vocabulary\u2014I'm sorry I was wrong. Will you forgive me?\u201d\r\n\r\n(22:42):\r\n\r\nThose are three things. And sometimes, it's very heartfelt. And then, I'll hear my kids say it back to us and they'll be like, \"I'm sorry; I was wrong. Will you forgive me?\" Or \"I'm just sorry. Will you forgive me?\u201d or \u201cI was wrong. Will you forgive me?\" All three of those components are really important\u2014to really own it, and realize it, and then to invite them\u2014and honestly, to say that you don't have to forgive me. \r\n\r\nDave:\r\n\r\nYeah, and it may take time. \r\n\r\nDavid:\r\n\r\nYeah. I'm okay with the time on this because this is one of those things that it just doesn't always solve itself.\r\n\r\nDave (23:14):\r\n\r\nAll right. So you got a third question?\r\n\r\nDavid (23:15):\r\n\r\nOh, I do. \r\n\r\nDave:\r\n\r\nYou said there were three. \r\n\r\nDavid:\r\n\r\nI do. This is a doozy. So the third question is, and this is the number one question we get asked, is \u201cAt what age should I get my kid a smartphone?\u201d\r\n\r\nDave (23:28):\r\n\r\nYou know what? We're out of time. \r\n\r\nAnn (23:29):\r\n\r\nWell, going to have to save this one for tomorrow.\r\n\r\nDave (23:32):\r\n\r\nYep. Stay tuned. We'll answer that tomorrow.\r\n\r\nAnn (23:39):\r\n\r\nMan, I think this is just such good stuff with David Eaton today.\r\n\r\nDave (23:43):\r\n\r\nI mean, every parent is eating this up. \r\n\r\nAnn:\r\n\r\nI know. \r\n\r\nDave:\r\n\r\nI mean, this guy understands your teenager's world. In fact, that's his book that you want to get. It's called Engaging Your Teen's World: Understanding what Today's Youth Are Thinking, Doing, and Watching. And you can get it right now at FamilyLifeToday.com. Just click on the link in the show notes.\r\n\r\nAnn (24:03):\r\n\r\nAnd we'll have David back with us tomorrow.\r\n\r\nDave (24:05):\r\n\r\nMan, if this stuff is hitting home with you, we get it because parenting and raising kids, it's really, really hard.\r\n\r\nAnn (24:14):\r\n\r\nI think sometimes we just have questions. We have more questions than answers actually. \r\n\r\nDave:\r\n\r\nI know I do. \r\n\r\nAnn:\r\n\r\nSo we pulled together some of our most helpful parenting pieces into one spot.\r\n\r\nDave (24:23):\r\n\r\nAnd actually you can get that content right now. Here's how you do it. Go to FamilyLife.com\/ParentingHelp. Did you hear me? Go to FamilyLife.com\/ParentingHelp and you will find some of the best stuff we've ever done on parenting.\r\n\r\nAnn (24:45):\r\n\r\nFamilyLife Today is a donor-supported production of FamilyLife\u00ae, a Cru\u00ae ministry; celebrating 50 years of helping you pursue the relationships that matter most.\r\n\r\nIf you\u2019ve benefited from the FamilyLife Today transcripts, would you consider donating today to help defray the costs of producing them and making them available online?\r\n\r\nCopyright \u00a9 2026 FamilyLife. All rights reserved.\r\n\r\nwww.FamilyLife.com\n","theme_header_position":"","post_header_is_sticky":"","is_header_overlay":""},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast\/318530","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/podcast"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/47000"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=318530"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/295627"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=318530"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=318530"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=318530"},{"taxonomy":"podcast_series","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast_series?post=318530"},{"taxonomy":"cwp_profile","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/cwp_profile?post=318530"},{"taxonomy":"series","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/series?post=318530"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}