{"id":318482,"date":"2026-06-23T05:19:26","date_gmt":"2026-06-23T09:19:26","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/%series%\/parenting-through-trauma-without-losing-yourself-peter-mutabazi\/"},"modified":"2026-06-23T05:19:27","modified_gmt":"2026-06-23T09:19:27","slug":"parenting-through-trauma-without-losing-yourself-peter-mutabazi","status":"publish","type":"podcast","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/parenting-through-trauma-without-losing-yourself-peter-mutabazi\/","title":{"rendered":"Parenting Through Trauma Without Losing Yourself: Peter Mutabazi"},"content":{"rendered":"<p>Why do your kids trigger reactions you swore you&#8217;d never repeat? On FamilyLife Today, Dave and Ann Wilson welcome back Peter Mutabazi for a truthful conversation about parenting wounds, trauma, and staying calm when emotions explode. Peter shares practical wisdom from raising more than 40 foster children\u2014including why safety, listening, and yeah, even ice cream sometimes matter more than lectures when kids are melting down.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Dave and Ann Wilson talk with Peter Mutabazi on FamilyLife Today about trauma, parenting triggers, and raising kids with calm instead of control.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":47000,"featured_media":295627,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"","_seopress_robots_index":"","inline_featured_image":false,"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","episode_type":"","audio_file":"https:\/\/traffic.omny.fm\/d\/clips\/cbd16f10-ac60-4f09-b4df-b15400ce35aa\/33aaac7e-3581-4e21-a3df-b154011ba58c\/916e8309-b8d4-483b-8f14-b464014c205c\/audio.mp3","podmotor_file_id":"","podmotor_episode_id":"","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"00:24:55","filesize":"22.85M","filesize_raw":"","date_recorded":"","explicit":"","block":""},"categories":[2818,2837],"tags":[],"podcast_series":[11523],"cwp_profile":[9819],"series":[2101],"class_list":["post-318482","podcast","type-podcast","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-adoption-and-orphans","category-fathers","podcast_series-peter-mutabazi-a-foster-parenting-story","cwp_profile-peter-mutabazi","series-familylife-today"],"acf":[],"episode_featured_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Cover_1024x1024.jpg?w=1024","episode_player_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2023\/02\/image-scaled.jpg","download_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-download\/318482\/parenting-through-trauma-without-losing-yourself-peter-mutabazi","player_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-player\/318482\/parenting-through-trauma-without-losing-yourself-peter-mutabazi","audio_player":null,"episode_data":{"playerMode":"light","subscribeUrls":{"apple_podcasts":{"key":"apple_podcasts","url":"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303?mt=2&app=podcast","label":"Apple Podcasts","class":"apple_podcasts","icon":"apple-podcasts.png"},"google_podcasts":{"key":"google_podcasts","url":"","label":"Google Podcasts","class":"google_podcasts","icon":"google-podcasts.png"},"spotify":{"key":"spotify","url":"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm","label":"Spotify","class":"spotify","icon":"spotify.png"},"youtube":{"key":"youtube","url":"","label":"YouTube","class":"youtube","icon":"youtube.png"}},"rssFeedUrl":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/feed\/podcast\/familylife-today","embedCode":"<blockquote class=\"wp-embedded-content\" data-secret=\"GaKn4NeOG9\"><a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/parenting-through-trauma-without-losing-yourself-peter-mutabazi\/\">Parenting Through Trauma Without Losing Yourself: Peter Mutabazi<\/a><\/blockquote><iframe sandbox=\"allow-scripts\" security=\"restricted\" src=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/parenting-through-trauma-without-losing-yourself-peter-mutabazi\/embed\/#?secret=GaKn4NeOG9\" width=\"500\" height=\"350\" title=\"&#8220;Parenting Through Trauma Without Losing Yourself: Peter Mutabazi&#8221; &#8212; FamilyLife\u00ae - A Cru Ministry\" data-secret=\"GaKn4NeOG9\" frameborder=\"0\" marginwidth=\"0\" marginheight=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\" class=\"wp-embedded-content\"><\/iframe><script>\n\/*! This file is auto-generated *\/\n!function(d,l){\"use strict\";l.querySelector&&d.addEventListener&&\"undefined\"!=typeof URL&&(d.wp=d.wp||{},d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage||(d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage=function(e){var t=e.data;if((t||t.secret||t.message||t.value)&&!\/[^a-zA-Z0-9]\/.test(t.secret)){for(var s,r,n,a=l.querySelectorAll('iframe[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),o=l.querySelectorAll('blockquote[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),c=new RegExp(\"^https?:$\",\"i\"),i=0;i<o.length;i++)o[i].style.display=\"none\";for(i=0;i<a.length;i++)s=a[i],e.source===s.contentWindow&&(s.removeAttribute(\"style\"),\"height\"===t.message?(1e3<(r=parseInt(t.value,10))?r=1e3:~~r<200&&(r=200),s.height=r):\"link\"===t.message&&(r=new URL(s.getAttribute(\"src\")),n=new URL(t.value),c.test(n.protocol))&&n.host===r.host&&l.activeElement===s&&(d.top.location.href=t.value))}},d.addEventListener(\"message\",d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage,!1),l.addEventListener(\"DOMContentLoaded\",function(){for(var e,t,s=l.querySelectorAll(\"iframe.wp-embedded-content\"),r=0;r<s.length;r++)(t=(e=s[r]).getAttribute(\"data-secret\"))||(t=Math.random().toString(36).substring(2,12),e.src+=\"#?secret=\"+t,e.setAttribute(\"data-secret\",t)),e.contentWindow.postMessage({message:\"ready\",secret:t},\"*\")},!1)))}(window,document);\n\/\/# sourceURL=https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-includes\/js\/wp-embed.min.js\n<\/script>\n"},"spectra_custom_meta":{"secondline_imported_guid":["916e8309-b8d4-483b-8f14-b464014c205c"],"audio_file":["https:\/\/traffic.omny.fm\/d\/clips\/cbd16f10-ac60-4f09-b4df-b15400ce35aa\/33aaac7e-3581-4e21-a3df-b154011ba58c\/916e8309-b8d4-483b-8f14-b464014c205c\/audio.mp3"],"duration":["00:24:55"],"filesize":["22.85M"],"_thumbnail_id":["295627"],"show_notes":["\n<ul>\n<li><a href=\"https:\/\/shop.familylife.com\/product-category\/group-studies\/companion-workbooks\/\">Host a high-impact church event without starting from scratch by using code STRONGFAMILIES<\/a> between June 16\u201330 to get a FREE video-based study and planning support when you buy 10+ workbooks go to shop.familylife.com<\/li>\n<li>Get Peter's book <a href=\"https:\/\/shop.familylife.com\/product\/now-i-am-known\/\"><em>Now I am Known: How a Street Kid Turned Foster Dad Found Acceptance and True Worth <\/em><\/a>on our shop.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<hr>\n<ul>\n<li>Thanks to the Christian Standard Bible for sponsoring this episode. Learn more at <a href=\"https:\/\/CSBible.com\">CSBible.com<\/a>.<\/li>\n<li>Follow us on all social platforms: <a href=\"https:\/\/www.facebook.com\/familylifeministry\">Facebook<\/a> | <a href=\"https:\/\/www.instagram.com\/familylife.today\/\">Instagram<\/a> | <a href=\"https:\/\/www.youtube.com\/playlist?list=PLSzse1nmlqbLhDx5FpGVDgLmxy1rmQBau\">YouTube<\/a><\/li>\n<li>Find resources from our podcast at <a href=\"https:\/\/shop.familylife.com\/product-category\/radio-resources\/\">shop.familylife.com<\/a>.<\/li>\n<li>Download <a href=\"https:\/\/www.familylife.com\/app\/\">FamilyLife's app<\/a>!<\/li>\n<li>Help others find FamilyLife. Leave a review on <a href=\"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303\">Apple Podcast<\/a> or <a href=\"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm?si=d6dfa8d2415f4750\">Spotify<\/a>.<\/li>\n<li>Check out all the FamilyLife's podcasts on the <a href=\"https:\/\/www.familylife.com\/familylife-podcast-network\/\">FamilyLife Podcast Network<\/a><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n\n"],"transcript_content":["\nFamilyLife Today\u00ae with Dave and Ann Wilson - Web Version Transcript\r\n\r\nThis content has been generated by an artificial intelligence language model. While we strive for accuracy and quality, please note that the information provided will most likely not be entirely error-free or up-to-date. We recommend independently verifying the content with the originally-released audio. This transcript is provided for your personal use and general information purposes only. References to conferences, resources, or other special promotions may be obsolete. We do not assume any responsibility or liability for the use or interpretation of this content.\r\n\r\nParenting Through Trauma Without Losing Yourself\r\n\r\nGuest:Peter Mutabazi\r\n\r\nFrom the series:A Foster Parenting Story (Day 2 of 2)\r\n\r\nAir date:June 23, 2026\r\n\r\nPeter (00:04):\r\n\r\nI never yell at my kids. I get to their level and say, \"Son, tell me what's the matter?\" Be able to look in your eyes and they will tell you because you're not threatening, but also, you're in a posture of \u201cI'm here.\u201d\r\n\r\nDave (00:24):\r\n\r\nWelcome to FamilyLife Today where we want to help you pursue the relationships that matter most. I'm Dave Wilson.\r\n\r\nAnn (00:30):\r\n\r\nAnd I'm Ann Wilson and you can find us at FamilyLifeToday.com. This is FamilyLife Today. So we have Peter Mutabazi back with us today. \r\n\r\nDave (00:44):\r\n\r\nYou like saying that word? Mutabazi.\r\n\r\nAnn (00:45):\r\n\r\nNo, I think you like saying this.\r\n\r\nDave (00:47):\r\n\r\nI think it's cool. I should have wrote a song. Mutabazi. Mutabazi.\r\n\r\nAnn (00:52):\r\n\r\nAnyway, he's going to give us some tips on parenting, foster parenting. He's really good and his story's so unique and I just needed it as a reminder of calming down. \r\n\r\nDave (01:07):\r\n\r\nYeah, you're going to learn a lot of lessons on how to be a good parent today. So let's go. Looking at some of these lessons\u2014\r\n\r\nAnn (01:17):\r\n\r\nYeah.\r\n\r\nDave (01:18):\r\n\r\n\u2014I mean, we could do any and all of these, but how about parenting will expose your scars?\r\n\r\nPeter (01:25):\r\n\r\nOh yes.\r\n\r\nDave (01:27):\r\n\r\nWhat does that mean?\r\n\r\nPeter (01:28):\r\n\r\nWell, it means even those who had the best family. So think about if you had the best family background, that's who you are. You are treated well. If things went wrong, things were done so well. But now you're parenting a child that is the opposite of where you come from. Well, the way it triggers is because your expectation of how you should be treated is what you're going to bring to the child. My mother will never talk to me that way. No one has ever talked to me. Well, you open the scar of your well childhood bringing. Now you bring it because someone messed it up. So your other is triggering the behaviors of this child rather than being aware. Looking at your past and always say, \"What am I going to bring in my child from my childhood in my parenting child?\" So being aware of that at all times it really helps you.\r\n\r\n(02:21):\r\n\r\nSometimes we parents will get angry, but if you compose yourself and say, \"But why am I angry?\" Why? When this child said this word, why did it tick me off? Or when I asked this kid to do something, but they didn't. Why? Why did I feel that way? And when you go back, you get to know-\r\n\r\nDave (02:40):\r\n\r\nThere's a scar. There's a wound.\r\n\r\nPeter (02:40):\r\n\r\nThere\u2019s a scar. And so for us as parents, when we step back and say, why does that push my button? And it really helps you to kind of really go back and heal yourself in those places or really deal with yourself first.\r\n\r\nAnn (02:53):\r\n\r\nSo did you find any of those?\r\n\r\nPeter (02:55):\r\n\r\nOoh, every hour\u2014\r\n\r\nAnn (02:55):\r\n\r\nTell me everything. Because I'm sitting there thinking you had a horrible background.\r\n\r\nPeter (03:03):\r\n\r\nCorrect.\r\n\r\nAnn (03:03):\r\n\r\nYou went to school, but I don't know if you had a chance to heal some of your wounds. So when they popped up or flared up by somebody's behavior, what did you do with that and what should a parent do with that?\r\n\r\nPeter (03:16):\r\n\r\nI mean, for me, it's even as simple as throwing the food. You feed the kids; they eat half and throw it away. To me, remember I come from enough food like you are throwing out food. Are you serious?\r\n\r\nAnn (03:28):\r\n\r\nYeah. \r\n\r\nDave:\r\n\r\nDid you do the\u2014well, your mom did. \u201cYou are not leaving the table until all that food is\u2014and you literally sat there ...\r\n\r\nPeter (03:36):\r\n\r\nOr some kids, they will say, \"You know kids in Africa are starving?\" \r\n\r\nDave:\r\n\r\nYeah, right, right. \r\n\r\nPeter:\r\n\r\n\u201cYou can ship it to them.\u201d\r\n\r\nAnn (03:42):\r\n\r\nAnd you could say, \"I was starving.\"\r\n\r\nPeter (03:45):\r\n\r\nBut for me, being aware of that, of West that I did not have, to this day, I get to remind myself, Peter, you grew up with lack of food. My child did not. So I should not expect my child to have the same feeling or the same attitude as I have towards food. So that helps me. It helps me to step back. Yeah, sure. You didn't finish, fine. Otherwise, the next thing I'll say, \u201cYou put in the fridge, you'll eat it later.\u201d Or be a little snippy towards my child because, \u201cHey, you didn't finish your food. Sit there.\u201d But by me being aware, it's the whole thing. You being aware and attending to that awareness, it helps you to step back and be there for your child. So for me, yeah, it doesn't bother me if they don't finish food. Absolutely.\r\n\r\nDave (04:32):\r\n\r\nHow important is it to get on the knee, get to their level?\r\n\r\nPeter (04:34):\r\n\r\nA level, meet them where they're at. And meeting where the children are isn't just by the words or even level. I never yell at my kids. I get to their level and say, \"Son, tell me what's the matter?\" And be able to look in your eyes and they will tell you because you're not threatening, but also, you're in a posture of \u201cI'm here.\u201d\r\n\r\nDave (04:56):\r\n\r\nThat's good. I remember years ago, 40 years ago, a teacher named Gary Smalley. His son now, Greg, is with Focus on the Family, but Gary Smalley talked about when you're in marriage and this would be parenting as well when you are dealing with a spouse or a son or daughter that has what he called a closed spirit. Their spirit is closed up. They're not responding to you. They're turning away from you. They feel they've been hurt by you or something's happened in your, let's say in your marriage. He said the first step to opening a\u2014and he'd use his hand like this, to opening a closed spirit. He said, \"Get low. Get below them. If they're sitting in a chair, get on the floor. If you're going to approach your wife and you want to open her spirit to talk, don't stand above, don't be powerful, be humble.\" That's what you did.\r\n\r\n(05:48):\r\n\r\nI mean, it's the same with a child. It's like it says to them, \"You're really important. You're so important I'm lowering myself to your eye level to see you and sort of open your soul.\" And that's what you did.\r\n\r\nPeter (06:01):\r\n\r\nAbsolutely. And you're moving authority, being authoritative. You're just coming to, \u201cI'm here with you.\u201d And somehow it works. They always feel safe. They always feel\u2014\r\n\r\nDave (06:10):\r\n\r\nAnyway, husbands, that was for free. That one was for free. Try that tonight. \r\n\r\nAnn (06:14):\r\n\r\nWell with our kids and with your teenagers when they're powering up. I remember our first son, when he would power up, I would be right there with him, man. I'm short, but I'll power up big.\r\n\r\nDave (06:28):\r\n\r\nOne time I walked in and she says, \"You want to go? You want to go? \" I'm like, \"What is happening here?\" \r\n\r\nAnn (06:32):\r\n\r\nI didn't mean physically. I just meant, \u201cYou want to talk about this?\u201d\r\n\r\nDave (06:35):\r\n\r\nYeah.\r\n\r\nAnn (06:36):\r\n\r\nBut yes, I get riled up and I should have been asking myself the question, why do I do that? And I think as parents, whether we're fostering, adopting, whatever, any kind of parent, stepparents, we should be asking ourselves, why did that trigger me? Why do I want to respond in this certain way instead of getting low? I get even bigger. And I think the stories that you've shared, each one has just made me cry because it's not about the behavior. It's about what's going on inside that has happened. And I think our kids hold onto so much trauma. They hold onto so much stress and anxiety even at school, all of our kids. And we're so bent on looking at what they are or aren't doing or how well they're doing in school or not or obeying or not. And to get underneath the surface, I just love how you put your head on your hand, and you say, \"What's going on?\r\n\r\n(07:34):\r\n\r\nI love you. I'm with you.\" \r\n\r\nPeter:\r\n\r\nI'm with you. \r\n\r\nAnn:\r\n\r\nIf my parents would have done that when I was little, I'd probably just cried on the spot and spilled my guts, \u201cWell, all these things are happening.\u201d\r\n\r\nPeter (07:43):\r\n\r\nIt always works. \r\n\r\nAnn:\r\n\r\nDoes it? \r\n\r\nPeter:\r\n\r\nMy daughter, they were like, \"Oh, okay.\" And here's the other part. This is more to divorce families, kids who are living from one end to the other. Here's what I would like to say. It's easy to have our kids come from the other family and come home and you get to see the attitude, and you take it past and say, \"How dare that? How dare?\" It's easy to project. It's easy to bring our feelings to what our kids are going through. Sometimes it's good to step back and say, \"My kid is, wherever they're coming from, the other family, I have no idea.\"\r\n\r\nAnn (08:21):\r\n\r\nAnd no control.\r\n\r\nPeter (08:22):\r\n\r\nI wasn't there. I wasn't there and I'm going to step back and not be involved by letting my child just be. And here's the thing, we are the safest place they can be. Let's not make it a place where they feel unsafe by bringing a past but also by attitude of not listening. Really coming along and say, \"Valide, I know what you're feeling. How can I be of help? I'm here to listen when you're ready.\" \r\n\r\nAnn (08:48):\r\n\r\nHow do you do that though? You have six kids. How are you doing that with all these kids?\r\n\r\nPeter (08:52):\r\n\r\nEach differently. \r\n\r\nAnn:\r\n\r\nReally? \r\n\r\nPeter:\r\n\r\nSo I have two that do visitation. That means every Tuesday and Thursday there are different behaviors at home because these kids just went to mom and they came back with different behavior. Or sometimes Mom didn't show up. That's a whole different behavior. So you get to learn what triggers them or what mood they're in or what really caused the whole thing. The empathy helps us to really get to see each other individually because we get to understand the why. Here's what I've learned. My kids will fuel or spill out because I am the safest place for them to be, but they won't do it somewhere else at school\u2014\r\n\r\nDave (09:32):\r\n\r\nSo don't take it personally.\r\n\r\nPeter (09:33):\r\n\r\n\u2014in my home. Also know, actually, sometimes those behaviors we see, or the outrage is sign of safety. It's a sign of I'm in a safe place. I can truly let my feelings out. So sometimes it's a positive way that we get to let them let it out, but we get to hear them too in a way, but it's never really about us.\r\n\r\nDave (09:54):\r\n\r\nWe need to have your kids come on next time.\r\n\r\nAnn (09:56):\r\n\r\nI know. That'd be fun.\r\n\r\nDave (09:57):\r\n\r\nI would literally love to hear their perspective on everything you're saying, because it'd be cool to hear from their side.\r\n\r\nAnn (10:05):\r\n\r\nWell, I'm still stuck on your kids come home and they vent because this is the safest place. Talk to the parents who that just was a light bulb. My kids come home. My teachers say they're incredible. They're so great at school. And then they come home and I'm like, who are these children? They're terrible. How could the teacher say that? You're saying maybe this is the safe place that they can let all the emotions out.\r\n\r\nPeter (10:27):\r\n\r\nAbsolutely. It's not even a maybe. It's the fact. \r\n\r\nAnn:\r\n\r\nIt's the fact. \r\n\r\nPeter:\r\n\r\nSo you two are married. Most time you vent properly when you had an attitude with someone over there once you come to him. \r\n\r\nAnn:\r\n\r\nFor sure. \r\n\r\nPeter:\r\n\r\nBecause he's your safest place and the person you can let out what you're feeling, but you wouldn't do it the other end. So why do we feel the children cannot do the same?\r\n\r\nAnn (10:48):\r\n\r\nBecause they're mean when they do it and they don't say, \"I had this terrible day and this teacher was mean.\"\r\n\r\nPeter (10:53):\r\n\r\nAbsolutely.\r\n\r\nDave (10:55):\r\n\r\nYou're supposed to be the mature one.\r\n\r\nPeter (10:56):\r\n\r\nExactly. You are supposed to be, remember, you're supposed to be the one calm down, meet your child where they at. It's not their responsibility to calm down. It is us parents and we get to help them. I've had teachers who will say, we get to have kids, and you call the parent and the parent shows up and you're like, \"Oh.\"\r\n\r\nAnn (11:16):\r\n\r\nNow I get it.\r\n\r\nPeter (11:17):\r\n\r\nAnd now I get that. And we don't want to be that parent. On the other side, we want to be the other parent where my child comes and says, \"It's at home where I can do that because I feel safe and I feel comfortable.\" And sometimes they're yelling for help. They're yelling for help.\r\n\r\nDave (11:31):\r\n\r\nI mean, you come across pretty calm and collected. You ever lose it?\r\n\r\nPeter (11:35):\r\n\r\nNo, I never lose it. I never lose it because I saw how my father\u2014 \r\n\r\nDave (11:39):\r\n\r\nYou really don't?\r\n\r\nPeter (11:40):\r\n\r\nNope. Sometimes it's even a problem, people are like, \"We can never tell where you are.\"\r\n\r\nAnn (11:44):\r\n\r\nBecause you're so calm.\r\n\r\nPeter (11:45):\r\n\r\nSo calm.\r\n\r\nDave (11:46):\r\n\r\nAnd that's because of your dad, you think?\r\n\r\nPeter (11:48):\r\n\r\nYes. I learned the behaviors to do not let the behaviors decide what you're going to do or say. Also, my mom would always say, \"10% happen to you. 90% is how you respond to that 10%.\" That really helped me. How I respond, that have control, but also that is my decision.\r\n\r\n(12:07):\r\n\r\nBut what happened to me was small in a way that has helped me to, I don't know, just be calm and listen. I never had opportunity to be hard as a kid. My one tool right now, my one tool in life is to listen to others, to let others tell you what they feel, to let others in whatever way it feels comes to really lead them to, because I could never say even, \u201cCan I have water?\u201d I could never say \u201cI'm tired.\u201d I could never say \u201cI don't know.\u201d If my dad said, \"Where's my socks?\" If I said, \"I don't know,\u201d I got beatings. If I said, \u201cI know, but I don't know,\u201d I'm going to get beatings. So there wasn't any way I could win in some way. And so for me, it became a tool to friends, to people I work with.\r\n\r\n(12:56):\r\n\r\nLet them be and listen. And there's a humbling sense when you listen to others, even when you don't like it, they're able to listen and hear to find the best way to.\r\n\r\nAnn (13:11):\r\n\r\nA lot of couples are giving marriage whatever time and energy is left after work, kids and everything else and it's starting to take a toll. I bet a lot of you can relate to that.\r\n\r\nDave (13:23):\r\n\r\nI can.\r\n\r\nAnn (13:23):\r\n\r\nAnd many are growing spiritually as individuals, but they're not connecting spiritually as a couple.\r\n\r\nDave (13:30):\r\n\r\nAs a pastor or leader, you see this tension and it can feel overwhelming trying to know what to do next. You don't have to figure it out alone. We build some simple tools to help you take that very first step.\r\n\r\nAnn (13:42):\r\n\r\nAnd if you've wanted to do something for couples but you really didn't want to build it from scratch, this is a super practical way to move forward. Purchase 10 or more workbooks and we'll include the full video study. All you have to do is use code StrongFamilies, that's one word, StrongFamilies through June 30th. Just go to FamilyLifeToday.com and click the link in the show notes and again, just enter the discount code StrongFamilies.\r\n\r\nDave (14:09):\r\n\r\nLet me tell you, strong families don't happen by accident. Sometimes all it takes is on intentional step to help couples reconnect again.\r\n\r\nAnn (14:21):\r\n\r\nYour dad pounded you with lies and things about your character and who you were constantly. How did you get that out of your head?\r\n\r\nPeter (14:33):\r\n\r\nWell, so even become street, even became wise because even that's how the other people treated you. So you had it from both ends. And I believed it. I believed every word, that I was stupid, would never amount to anything at all. It's until this stranger, this guy, I don't know why, but his unconditional love, he never shared with me in the gospel. He always showed up. He always showed up. Always by him showing up all the time and for me to come from living in the garbage in the sewer, being abused every night, for someone to see the best in me and put him in a school, I felt like there was nothing in me, nothing good at all, that I deserved to be where I was put. And that's really what really helped me that I was worthy. I never had words of affirmation until I moved with this family like, \"Peter, you matter.\" And sometimes I'll say, \"What does that mean?\" And they say, \"You're special as my kids are.\u201d\r\n\r\n(15:32):\r\n\r\nOr sometimes he'll say, \"Your gift to us.\" And I'll say, \"But how can I be a gift? I'm a burden to you.\" And they'll say, \"Peter, you show me how God loves me by you allowing to be in our lives.\" And those are the things that truly began to change my life, like helped me understand that I was worthy. I don't know if I shared with you last time I was here. There's one thing he did to this day that I still remember. So in Africa, most people didn't have cars during my time and now there's lots of them, but usually the man drives and the wife sits on the other seat and the kids in the middle and then everyone else in the back. So this day the wife was not there. And so he looked at me and said, \"Peter, you can sit in Cecelia\u2019s seat.\" I said, \"No, I can't sit there.\r\n\r\n(16:17):\r\n\r\nI'm not worthy sitting there.\" And then he looked at me and said, \"Peter, you're worth. You matter. You can sit there.\" And that's all it took. That's all it took that I could sit in the seat of his wife. To him, it was just a seat for sure. But for me, I never thought I was worthy sitting in places where he put me. And that really helped me to build myself to know that really, truly God loves me no matter what. And that is what has helped me to excel, to really remove the sound. And they come sometimes, those sounds of, you'll never mount anything, but rather they became the power to me. So for me, you say you can't, it's like a do it, to really challenge myself, but also tell whatever I hear in my head to say, \"No, that's not true. I can do it.\u201d\r\n\r\nDave (17:12):\r\n\r\nI mean, it's amazing to watch you tell that story and just sense the power of the words of value on a young boy that you tear up decades later.\r\n\r\n(17:26):\r\n\r\nAnd you think even as a parent, when we miss those moments to reach into our son or daughter's life and say a word like that, don't miss that moment, grab it. Whether it's put them in the front seat or just say, \"You matter.\" We don't think they may talk about that, 30 years from now because it's that powerful that God has given us his voice to say, \"I can say to my son or daughter or to a boy off the street something God is saying to him every day and he doesn't know it. I get to be the voice of God to them.\" That's powerful.\r\n\r\nAnn (18:00):\r\n\r\nWell, and I can't stop crying. Because I look at you and I talk to so many parents that have lost hope for their kids because their kids are struggling so much because they feel like as a parent, they have failed their child, or they've yelled or they've said mean things. I look at you and I think, look how God always had his hand on you. He was always calling your name. He used another person to show himself to you, but we get to do that. And I think as parents, it's never too late, never too late to stop praying for your kids, to apologize to our kids for the things that we have maybe lacked or done or not done. And also the other thing I'm thinking if all these kids that are in foster care that have been abused, that have been forgotten, that have so much trauma in their lives and we as a church and a people can step into some of these roles that are really hard but now there's a book that can help them. Talk to those people of just maybe somebody's on the fence like, \"Should we do foster care?\r\n\r\n(19:10):\r\n\r\nShould we enter into that? It sounds like it's rough.\"\r\n\r\nPeter (19:14):\r\n\r\nI mean, honestly, it is rough, but he's where I find the pasture. My Jesus didn't come on earth and lived a comfortable life, pursued the comfortable life, that he lived a life that was exemplary, but also too that he's taught us that we suffer for him, we love him. And that's what it takes to be a foster parent or an adoptive parent. It's not easy, but it's worth it. Why? Because we are doing it for Jesus, not for our kids or ourselves and for me as an American now. In my work as an American, they always tell me convenience. Are you saving money so you retire well? The happy, easy life is kind of what I'm pounded all the time, but looking at the Bible, that's not the life, the journey that God is coming. Sacrifice means uncomfortness. Sacrifice means things you don't like. Sacrifice means loving the people that don't look like you, don't act like you, have zero background like you.\r\n\r\n(20:19):\r\n\r\nThat is what sacrifice is. And if we are willing to follow that and love on our kids, one day we get to meet Jesus and say, \"You gave me an extra bedroom. It's what I use it for. You gave me a good job. I got to make money. This is what I use for. You raised me in a good family. Now I get to be the opposite to the child who never had a family. Good faithful. I had a difficult childhood God, but look, you changed me and I get to be the vest of all those who have gone through because I understand it, good and faithful servant.\"\r\n\r\n(20:54):\r\n\r\nHere's what is asking us. Not simple things, no easy things, no things that will inconvenience. Yes. It's things that will inconvenience our lives that we go to sacrifice for and that's parenting and that's loving and that's being there for our kids. And that's what foster care is. Truly, it's a temporary journey saying, \"God, these parents are struggling, but I'm willing to step in for those who love the most to be there for them as their mom and dad figure their lives. And if that doesn't come to the end, I want to be their dad, their mom, as much as I can go.\" And if there's some ladies and men who are not married yet, but they're waiting for that special one. For me, yes, I want to get married, but also, I've chosen to say, \"While I'm waiting, I'm going to be there for these kids.\" I've had my kids, they've never said, \"I wish we had a mom.\" They never had dad that sometimes God will use us where we are.\r\n\r\n(21:49):\r\n\r\nThe tradition says, \"Get married.\" But I think there's also an opportunity to be a mom, a dad while you're waiting for that opportunity. \r\n\r\nDave:\r\n\r\nYeah, that's beautiful. \r\n\r\nAnn:\r\n\r\nIt's a good word.\r\n\r\nPeter (21:57):\r\n\r\nIt can be also temporarily. You could be just foster parenting for short time and then down the road, God will bring someone who has a passion and loving that will come alongside what we would like to do in life.\r\n\r\nAnn (22:10):\r\n\r\nI feel like this bok is unusual and we've needed a book like this. Again, the book is called Love Does Not Conquer All: And Other Surprising Lessons I Learned as a Foster Dad to More Than 40 Kids by Peter Mutabazi.\r\n\r\nDave (22:24):\r\n\r\nWell, I know for Ann and I, probably two of the most significant moments in our entire life were when our son adopted his two foster boys that he fostered that were brothers at two different times because the second boy came after they told him the birth mother will never have another child. And then they get a call a couple years later and say, \"She had one and you've got a couple hours to decide if you want. \"\r\n\r\nAnn (22:48):\r\n\r\nNo, it was like 15 minutes to decide.\r\n\r\nPeter (22:50):\r\n\r\nThat's why I have three of their siblings. Yeah.\r\n\r\nDave (22:54):\r\n\r\nBoom. Yeah. And so I mean, sitting in that courtroom when the judge said they're a Wilson, it's just so powerful because we know the little boys don't know what their life would have been. We know what they would have been and to see that they have a totally different life, that's us. We are adopted to a brand-new life in Jesus.\r\n\r\nPeter (23:18):\r\n\r\nAnd think about even your family, just like 10 years ago, that wasn't even somewhere close. When we all beat in a winning on how far the Lord will take us, not always easy with the joy that we get to step up for the most vulnerable.\r\n\r\nAnn (23:33):\r\n\r\nAnd they've made our family so much better and richer.\r\n\r\nPeter (23:36):\r\n\r\nI'm sure. I saw that picture.\r\n\r\nDave (23:39):\r\n\r\nYeah, you saw it. They don't look like us, but they are us. Thank you.\r\n\r\nPeter (23:43):\r\n\r\nThey\u2019re Wilsons.\r\n\r\nDave (23:43):\r\n\r\nHey, you can come back anytime. Next time, bring some kids. \r\n\r\nPeter (23:46):\r\n\r\nOh, please. I will. Maybe my teenagers. \r\n\r\nDave:\r\n\r\nThat'd be fun.\r\n\r\nAnn (23:48):\r\n\r\nDo that. Thanks, Peter.\r\n\r\nDave (23:50):\r\n\r\nAnd again, the book is called Love Does Not Conquer All. That's a good title.\r\n\r\nAnn (23:53):\r\n\r\nIt is.\r\n\r\nDave (23:54):\r\n\r\nIt's against everything we've heard. It does not conquer all. And you can get it at FamilyLifeToday.com. Click the link in the show notes.\r\n\r\nAnn (24:01):\r\n\r\nI just want to remind our listeners that our vision at FamilyLife is every home a godly home and we need your help to get there. And when you become a FamilyLife Partner, your monthly support makes that vision actually possible.\r\n\r\nDave (24:16):\r\n\r\nYeah, you'll get access to exclusive updates and events and the chance to join our partner's only online community. But more than that, you're helping change the future of families. So the question is, will you come alongside us and alongside families in need?\r\n\r\nAnn (24:32):\r\n\r\nAnd you can go to FamilyLifeToday.com and read more about it and become a partner. Just click the donate button at the top and again, you can go to FamilyLifeToday.com. \r\n\r\nFamilyLife Today is a donor-supported production of FamilyLife\u00ae, a Cru\u00ae Ministry; 50 years of helping you pursue the relationships that matter most.\r\n\r\nIf you\u2019ve benefited from the FamilyLife Today transcripts, would you consider donating today to help defray the costs of producing them and making them available online?\r\n\r\nCopyright \u00a9 2026 FamilyLife. 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});\";s:18:\"current_block_list\";a:17:{i:0;s:14:\"uagb\/container\";i:1;s:12:\"core\/heading\";i:2;s:9:\"core\/html\";i:3;s:10:\"core\/group\";i:6;s:21:\"uagb\/advanced-heading\";i:7;s:14:\"uagb\/separator\";i:8;s:14:\"uagb\/icon-list\";i:9;s:20:\"uagb\/icon-list-child\";i:10;s:11:\"core\/search\";i:13;s:18:\"core\/legacy-widget\";i:16;s:10:\"uagb\/image\";i:17;s:17:\"core\/social-links\";i:18;s:16:\"core\/social-link\";i:19;s:14:\"core\/paragraph\";i:20;s:30:\"meta-box\/fl-conditional-blocks\";i:21;s:12:\"uagb\/buttons\";i:22;s:18:\"uagb\/buttons-child\";}s:8:\"uag_flag\";b:1;s:11:\"uag_version\";i:1782207977;s:6:\"gfonts\";a:1:{s:7:\"Default\";a:2:{s:10:\"fontfamily\";s:7:\"Default\";s:12:\"fontvariants\";a:0:{}}}s:10:\"gfonts_url\";s:71:\"\/\/fonts.googleapis.com\/css?family=Default&subset=latin&display=fallback\";s:12:\"gfonts_files\";a:0:{}s:14:\"uag_faq_layout\";b:0;}"]},"uagb_featured_image_src":{"full":["https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Cover_1024x1024.jpg",1024,1024,false]},"uagb_author_info":{"display_name":"Margaret Coyle","author_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/author\/margaret-coyle-a9eb952f\/"},"uagb_comment_info":0,"uagb_excerpt":"Dave and Ann Wilson talk with Peter Mutabazi on FamilyLife Today about trauma, parenting triggers, and raising kids with calm instead of control.","meta_box":{"show_notes":"\n<ul>\n<li><a href=\"https:\/\/shop.familylife.com\/product-category\/group-studies\/companion-workbooks\/\">Host a high-impact church event without starting from scratch by using code STRONGFAMILIES<\/a> between June 16\u201330 to get a FREE video-based study and planning support when you buy 10+ workbooks go to shop.familylife.com<\/li>\n<li>Get Peter's book <a href=\"https:\/\/shop.familylife.com\/product\/now-i-am-known\/\"><em>Now I am Known: How a Street Kid Turned Foster Dad Found Acceptance and True Worth <\/em><\/a>on our shop.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<hr>\n<ul>\n<li>Thanks to the Christian Standard Bible for sponsoring this episode. Learn more at <a href=\"https:\/\/CSBible.com\">CSBible.com<\/a>.<\/li>\n<li>Follow us on all social platforms: <a href=\"https:\/\/www.facebook.com\/familylifeministry\">Facebook<\/a> | <a href=\"https:\/\/www.instagram.com\/familylife.today\/\">Instagram<\/a> | <a href=\"https:\/\/www.youtube.com\/playlist?list=PLSzse1nmlqbLhDx5FpGVDgLmxy1rmQBau\">YouTube<\/a><\/li>\n<li>Find resources from our podcast at <a href=\"https:\/\/shop.familylife.com\/product-category\/radio-resources\/\">shop.familylife.com<\/a>.<\/li>\n<li>Download <a href=\"https:\/\/www.familylife.com\/app\/\">FamilyLife's app<\/a>!<\/li>\n<li>Help others find FamilyLife. Leave a review on <a href=\"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303\">Apple Podcast<\/a> or <a href=\"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm?si=d6dfa8d2415f4750\">Spotify<\/a>.<\/li>\n<li>Check out all the FamilyLife's podcasts on the <a href=\"https:\/\/www.familylife.com\/familylife-podcast-network\/\">FamilyLife Podcast Network<\/a><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n\n","transcript_url":"https:\/\/transcript.familylife.com\/fl2026-06-23.pdf","transcript_content":"\nFamilyLife Today\u00ae with Dave and Ann Wilson - Web Version Transcript\r\n\r\nThis content has been generated by an artificial intelligence language model. While we strive for accuracy and quality, please note that the information provided will most likely not be entirely error-free or up-to-date. We recommend independently verifying the content with the originally-released audio. This transcript is provided for your personal use and general information purposes only. References to conferences, resources, or other special promotions may be obsolete. We do not assume any responsibility or liability for the use or interpretation of this content.\r\n\r\nParenting Through Trauma Without Losing Yourself\r\n\r\nGuest:Peter Mutabazi\r\n\r\nFrom the series:A Foster Parenting Story (Day 2 of 2)\r\n\r\nAir date:June 23, 2026\r\n\r\nPeter (00:04):\r\n\r\nI never yell at my kids. I get to their level and say, \"Son, tell me what's the matter?\" Be able to look in your eyes and they will tell you because you're not threatening, but also, you're in a posture of \u201cI'm here.\u201d\r\n\r\nDave (00:24):\r\n\r\nWelcome to FamilyLife Today where we want to help you pursue the relationships that matter most. I'm Dave Wilson.\r\n\r\nAnn (00:30):\r\n\r\nAnd I'm Ann Wilson and you can find us at FamilyLifeToday.com. This is FamilyLife Today. So we have Peter Mutabazi back with us today. \r\n\r\nDave (00:44):\r\n\r\nYou like saying that word? Mutabazi.\r\n\r\nAnn (00:45):\r\n\r\nNo, I think you like saying this.\r\n\r\nDave (00:47):\r\n\r\nI think it's cool. I should have wrote a song. Mutabazi. Mutabazi.\r\n\r\nAnn (00:52):\r\n\r\nAnyway, he's going to give us some tips on parenting, foster parenting. He's really good and his story's so unique and I just needed it as a reminder of calming down. \r\n\r\nDave (01:07):\r\n\r\nYeah, you're going to learn a lot of lessons on how to be a good parent today. So let's go. Looking at some of these lessons\u2014\r\n\r\nAnn (01:17):\r\n\r\nYeah.\r\n\r\nDave (01:18):\r\n\r\n\u2014I mean, we could do any and all of these, but how about parenting will expose your scars?\r\n\r\nPeter (01:25):\r\n\r\nOh yes.\r\n\r\nDave (01:27):\r\n\r\nWhat does that mean?\r\n\r\nPeter (01:28):\r\n\r\nWell, it means even those who had the best family. So think about if you had the best family background, that's who you are. You are treated well. If things went wrong, things were done so well. But now you're parenting a child that is the opposite of where you come from. Well, the way it triggers is because your expectation of how you should be treated is what you're going to bring to the child. My mother will never talk to me that way. No one has ever talked to me. Well, you open the scar of your well childhood bringing. Now you bring it because someone messed it up. So your other is triggering the behaviors of this child rather than being aware. Looking at your past and always say, \"What am I going to bring in my child from my childhood in my parenting child?\" So being aware of that at all times it really helps you.\r\n\r\n(02:21):\r\n\r\nSometimes we parents will get angry, but if you compose yourself and say, \"But why am I angry?\" Why? When this child said this word, why did it tick me off? Or when I asked this kid to do something, but they didn't. Why? Why did I feel that way? And when you go back, you get to know-\r\n\r\nDave (02:40):\r\n\r\nThere's a scar. There's a wound.\r\n\r\nPeter (02:40):\r\n\r\nThere\u2019s a scar. And so for us as parents, when we step back and say, why does that push my button? And it really helps you to kind of really go back and heal yourself in those places or really deal with yourself first.\r\n\r\nAnn (02:53):\r\n\r\nSo did you find any of those?\r\n\r\nPeter (02:55):\r\n\r\nOoh, every hour\u2014\r\n\r\nAnn (02:55):\r\n\r\nTell me everything. Because I'm sitting there thinking you had a horrible background.\r\n\r\nPeter (03:03):\r\n\r\nCorrect.\r\n\r\nAnn (03:03):\r\n\r\nYou went to school, but I don't know if you had a chance to heal some of your wounds. So when they popped up or flared up by somebody's behavior, what did you do with that and what should a parent do with that?\r\n\r\nPeter (03:16):\r\n\r\nI mean, for me, it's even as simple as throwing the food. You feed the kids; they eat half and throw it away. To me, remember I come from enough food like you are throwing out food. Are you serious?\r\n\r\nAnn (03:28):\r\n\r\nYeah. \r\n\r\nDave:\r\n\r\nDid you do the\u2014well, your mom did. \u201cYou are not leaving the table until all that food is\u2014and you literally sat there ...\r\n\r\nPeter (03:36):\r\n\r\nOr some kids, they will say, \"You know kids in Africa are starving?\" \r\n\r\nDave:\r\n\r\nYeah, right, right. \r\n\r\nPeter:\r\n\r\n\u201cYou can ship it to them.\u201d\r\n\r\nAnn (03:42):\r\n\r\nAnd you could say, \"I was starving.\"\r\n\r\nPeter (03:45):\r\n\r\nBut for me, being aware of that, of West that I did not have, to this day, I get to remind myself, Peter, you grew up with lack of food. My child did not. So I should not expect my child to have the same feeling or the same attitude as I have towards food. So that helps me. It helps me to step back. Yeah, sure. You didn't finish, fine. Otherwise, the next thing I'll say, \u201cYou put in the fridge, you'll eat it later.\u201d Or be a little snippy towards my child because, \u201cHey, you didn't finish your food. Sit there.\u201d But by me being aware, it's the whole thing. You being aware and attending to that awareness, it helps you to step back and be there for your child. So for me, yeah, it doesn't bother me if they don't finish food. Absolutely.\r\n\r\nDave (04:32):\r\n\r\nHow important is it to get on the knee, get to their level?\r\n\r\nPeter (04:34):\r\n\r\nA level, meet them where they're at. And meeting where the children are isn't just by the words or even level. I never yell at my kids. I get to their level and say, \"Son, tell me what's the matter?\" And be able to look in your eyes and they will tell you because you're not threatening, but also, you're in a posture of \u201cI'm here.\u201d\r\n\r\nDave (04:56):\r\n\r\nThat's good. I remember years ago, 40 years ago, a teacher named Gary Smalley. His son now, Greg, is with Focus on the Family, but Gary Smalley talked about when you're in marriage and this would be parenting as well when you are dealing with a spouse or a son or daughter that has what he called a closed spirit. Their spirit is closed up. They're not responding to you. They're turning away from you. They feel they've been hurt by you or something's happened in your, let's say in your marriage. He said the first step to opening a\u2014and he'd use his hand like this, to opening a closed spirit. He said, \"Get low. Get below them. If they're sitting in a chair, get on the floor. If you're going to approach your wife and you want to open her spirit to talk, don't stand above, don't be powerful, be humble.\" That's what you did.\r\n\r\n(05:48):\r\n\r\nI mean, it's the same with a child. It's like it says to them, \"You're really important. You're so important I'm lowering myself to your eye level to see you and sort of open your soul.\" And that's what you did.\r\n\r\nPeter (06:01):\r\n\r\nAbsolutely. And you're moving authority, being authoritative. You're just coming to, \u201cI'm here with you.\u201d And somehow it works. They always feel safe. They always feel\u2014\r\n\r\nDave (06:10):\r\n\r\nAnyway, husbands, that was for free. That one was for free. Try that tonight. \r\n\r\nAnn (06:14):\r\n\r\nWell with our kids and with your teenagers when they're powering up. I remember our first son, when he would power up, I would be right there with him, man. I'm short, but I'll power up big.\r\n\r\nDave (06:28):\r\n\r\nOne time I walked in and she says, \"You want to go? You want to go? \" I'm like, \"What is happening here?\" \r\n\r\nAnn (06:32):\r\n\r\nI didn't mean physically. I just meant, \u201cYou want to talk about this?\u201d\r\n\r\nDave (06:35):\r\n\r\nYeah.\r\n\r\nAnn (06:36):\r\n\r\nBut yes, I get riled up and I should have been asking myself the question, why do I do that? And I think as parents, whether we're fostering, adopting, whatever, any kind of parent, stepparents, we should be asking ourselves, why did that trigger me? Why do I want to respond in this certain way instead of getting low? I get even bigger. And I think the stories that you've shared, each one has just made me cry because it's not about the behavior. It's about what's going on inside that has happened. And I think our kids hold onto so much trauma. They hold onto so much stress and anxiety even at school, all of our kids. And we're so bent on looking at what they are or aren't doing or how well they're doing in school or not or obeying or not. And to get underneath the surface, I just love how you put your head on your hand, and you say, \"What's going on?\r\n\r\n(07:34):\r\n\r\nI love you. I'm with you.\" \r\n\r\nPeter:\r\n\r\nI'm with you. \r\n\r\nAnn:\r\n\r\nIf my parents would have done that when I was little, I'd probably just cried on the spot and spilled my guts, \u201cWell, all these things are happening.\u201d\r\n\r\nPeter (07:43):\r\n\r\nIt always works. \r\n\r\nAnn:\r\n\r\nDoes it? \r\n\r\nPeter:\r\n\r\nMy daughter, they were like, \"Oh, okay.\" And here's the other part. This is more to divorce families, kids who are living from one end to the other. Here's what I would like to say. It's easy to have our kids come from the other family and come home and you get to see the attitude, and you take it past and say, \"How dare that? How dare?\" It's easy to project. It's easy to bring our feelings to what our kids are going through. Sometimes it's good to step back and say, \"My kid is, wherever they're coming from, the other family, I have no idea.\"\r\n\r\nAnn (08:21):\r\n\r\nAnd no control.\r\n\r\nPeter (08:22):\r\n\r\nI wasn't there. I wasn't there and I'm going to step back and not be involved by letting my child just be. And here's the thing, we are the safest place they can be. Let's not make it a place where they feel unsafe by bringing a past but also by attitude of not listening. Really coming along and say, \"Valide, I know what you're feeling. How can I be of help? I'm here to listen when you're ready.\" \r\n\r\nAnn (08:48):\r\n\r\nHow do you do that though? You have six kids. How are you doing that with all these kids?\r\n\r\nPeter (08:52):\r\n\r\nEach differently. \r\n\r\nAnn:\r\n\r\nReally? \r\n\r\nPeter:\r\n\r\nSo I have two that do visitation. That means every Tuesday and Thursday there are different behaviors at home because these kids just went to mom and they came back with different behavior. Or sometimes Mom didn't show up. That's a whole different behavior. So you get to learn what triggers them or what mood they're in or what really caused the whole thing. The empathy helps us to really get to see each other individually because we get to understand the why. Here's what I've learned. My kids will fuel or spill out because I am the safest place for them to be, but they won't do it somewhere else at school\u2014\r\n\r\nDave (09:32):\r\n\r\nSo don't take it personally.\r\n\r\nPeter (09:33):\r\n\r\n\u2014in my home. Also know, actually, sometimes those behaviors we see, or the outrage is sign of safety. It's a sign of I'm in a safe place. I can truly let my feelings out. So sometimes it's a positive way that we get to let them let it out, but we get to hear them too in a way, but it's never really about us.\r\n\r\nDave (09:54):\r\n\r\nWe need to have your kids come on next time.\r\n\r\nAnn (09:56):\r\n\r\nI know. That'd be fun.\r\n\r\nDave (09:57):\r\n\r\nI would literally love to hear their perspective on everything you're saying, because it'd be cool to hear from their side.\r\n\r\nAnn (10:05):\r\n\r\nWell, I'm still stuck on your kids come home and they vent because this is the safest place. Talk to the parents who that just was a light bulb. My kids come home. My teachers say they're incredible. They're so great at school. And then they come home and I'm like, who are these children? They're terrible. How could the teacher say that? You're saying maybe this is the safe place that they can let all the emotions out.\r\n\r\nPeter (10:27):\r\n\r\nAbsolutely. It's not even a maybe. It's the fact. \r\n\r\nAnn:\r\n\r\nIt's the fact. \r\n\r\nPeter:\r\n\r\nSo you two are married. Most time you vent properly when you had an attitude with someone over there once you come to him. \r\n\r\nAnn:\r\n\r\nFor sure. \r\n\r\nPeter:\r\n\r\nBecause he's your safest place and the person you can let out what you're feeling, but you wouldn't do it the other end. So why do we feel the children cannot do the same?\r\n\r\nAnn (10:48):\r\n\r\nBecause they're mean when they do it and they don't say, \"I had this terrible day and this teacher was mean.\"\r\n\r\nPeter (10:53):\r\n\r\nAbsolutely.\r\n\r\nDave (10:55):\r\n\r\nYou're supposed to be the mature one.\r\n\r\nPeter (10:56):\r\n\r\nExactly. You are supposed to be, remember, you're supposed to be the one calm down, meet your child where they at. It's not their responsibility to calm down. It is us parents and we get to help them. I've had teachers who will say, we get to have kids, and you call the parent and the parent shows up and you're like, \"Oh.\"\r\n\r\nAnn (11:16):\r\n\r\nNow I get it.\r\n\r\nPeter (11:17):\r\n\r\nAnd now I get that. And we don't want to be that parent. On the other side, we want to be the other parent where my child comes and says, \"It's at home where I can do that because I feel safe and I feel comfortable.\" And sometimes they're yelling for help. They're yelling for help.\r\n\r\nDave (11:31):\r\n\r\nI mean, you come across pretty calm and collected. You ever lose it?\r\n\r\nPeter (11:35):\r\n\r\nNo, I never lose it. I never lose it because I saw how my father\u2014 \r\n\r\nDave (11:39):\r\n\r\nYou really don't?\r\n\r\nPeter (11:40):\r\n\r\nNope. Sometimes it's even a problem, people are like, \"We can never tell where you are.\"\r\n\r\nAnn (11:44):\r\n\r\nBecause you're so calm.\r\n\r\nPeter (11:45):\r\n\r\nSo calm.\r\n\r\nDave (11:46):\r\n\r\nAnd that's because of your dad, you think?\r\n\r\nPeter (11:48):\r\n\r\nYes. I learned the behaviors to do not let the behaviors decide what you're going to do or say. Also, my mom would always say, \"10% happen to you. 90% is how you respond to that 10%.\" That really helped me. How I respond, that have control, but also that is my decision.\r\n\r\n(12:07):\r\n\r\nBut what happened to me was small in a way that has helped me to, I don't know, just be calm and listen. I never had opportunity to be hard as a kid. My one tool right now, my one tool in life is to listen to others, to let others tell you what they feel, to let others in whatever way it feels comes to really lead them to, because I could never say even, \u201cCan I have water?\u201d I could never say \u201cI'm tired.\u201d I could never say \u201cI don't know.\u201d If my dad said, \"Where's my socks?\" If I said, \"I don't know,\u201d I got beatings. If I said, \u201cI know, but I don't know,\u201d I'm going to get beatings. So there wasn't any way I could win in some way. And so for me, it became a tool to friends, to people I work with.\r\n\r\n(12:56):\r\n\r\nLet them be and listen. And there's a humbling sense when you listen to others, even when you don't like it, they're able to listen and hear to find the best way to.\r\n\r\nAnn (13:11):\r\n\r\nA lot of couples are giving marriage whatever time and energy is left after work, kids and everything else and it's starting to take a toll. I bet a lot of you can relate to that.\r\n\r\nDave (13:23):\r\n\r\nI can.\r\n\r\nAnn (13:23):\r\n\r\nAnd many are growing spiritually as individuals, but they're not connecting spiritually as a couple.\r\n\r\nDave (13:30):\r\n\r\nAs a pastor or leader, you see this tension and it can feel overwhelming trying to know what to do next. You don't have to figure it out alone. We build some simple tools to help you take that very first step.\r\n\r\nAnn (13:42):\r\n\r\nAnd if you've wanted to do something for couples but you really didn't want to build it from scratch, this is a super practical way to move forward. Purchase 10 or more workbooks and we'll include the full video study. All you have to do is use code StrongFamilies, that's one word, StrongFamilies through June 30th. Just go to FamilyLifeToday.com and click the link in the show notes and again, just enter the discount code StrongFamilies.\r\n\r\nDave (14:09):\r\n\r\nLet me tell you, strong families don't happen by accident. Sometimes all it takes is on intentional step to help couples reconnect again.\r\n\r\nAnn (14:21):\r\n\r\nYour dad pounded you with lies and things about your character and who you were constantly. How did you get that out of your head?\r\n\r\nPeter (14:33):\r\n\r\nWell, so even become street, even became wise because even that's how the other people treated you. So you had it from both ends. And I believed it. I believed every word, that I was stupid, would never amount to anything at all. It's until this stranger, this guy, I don't know why, but his unconditional love, he never shared with me in the gospel. He always showed up. He always showed up. Always by him showing up all the time and for me to come from living in the garbage in the sewer, being abused every night, for someone to see the best in me and put him in a school, I felt like there was nothing in me, nothing good at all, that I deserved to be where I was put. And that's really what really helped me that I was worthy. I never had words of affirmation until I moved with this family like, \"Peter, you matter.\" And sometimes I'll say, \"What does that mean?\" And they say, \"You're special as my kids are.\u201d\r\n\r\n(15:32):\r\n\r\nOr sometimes he'll say, \"Your gift to us.\" And I'll say, \"But how can I be a gift? I'm a burden to you.\" And they'll say, \"Peter, you show me how God loves me by you allowing to be in our lives.\" And those are the things that truly began to change my life, like helped me understand that I was worthy. I don't know if I shared with you last time I was here. There's one thing he did to this day that I still remember. So in Africa, most people didn't have cars during my time and now there's lots of them, but usually the man drives and the wife sits on the other seat and the kids in the middle and then everyone else in the back. So this day the wife was not there. And so he looked at me and said, \"Peter, you can sit in Cecelia\u2019s seat.\" I said, \"No, I can't sit there.\r\n\r\n(16:17):\r\n\r\nI'm not worthy sitting there.\" And then he looked at me and said, \"Peter, you're worth. You matter. You can sit there.\" And that's all it took. That's all it took that I could sit in the seat of his wife. To him, it was just a seat for sure. But for me, I never thought I was worthy sitting in places where he put me. And that really helped me to build myself to know that really, truly God loves me no matter what. And that is what has helped me to excel, to really remove the sound. And they come sometimes, those sounds of, you'll never mount anything, but rather they became the power to me. So for me, you say you can't, it's like a do it, to really challenge myself, but also tell whatever I hear in my head to say, \"No, that's not true. I can do it.\u201d\r\n\r\nDave (17:12):\r\n\r\nI mean, it's amazing to watch you tell that story and just sense the power of the words of value on a young boy that you tear up decades later.\r\n\r\n(17:26):\r\n\r\nAnd you think even as a parent, when we miss those moments to reach into our son or daughter's life and say a word like that, don't miss that moment, grab it. Whether it's put them in the front seat or just say, \"You matter.\" We don't think they may talk about that, 30 years from now because it's that powerful that God has given us his voice to say, \"I can say to my son or daughter or to a boy off the street something God is saying to him every day and he doesn't know it. I get to be the voice of God to them.\" That's powerful.\r\n\r\nAnn (18:00):\r\n\r\nWell, and I can't stop crying. Because I look at you and I talk to so many parents that have lost hope for their kids because their kids are struggling so much because they feel like as a parent, they have failed their child, or they've yelled or they've said mean things. I look at you and I think, look how God always had his hand on you. He was always calling your name. He used another person to show himself to you, but we get to do that. And I think as parents, it's never too late, never too late to stop praying for your kids, to apologize to our kids for the things that we have maybe lacked or done or not done. And also the other thing I'm thinking if all these kids that are in foster care that have been abused, that have been forgotten, that have so much trauma in their lives and we as a church and a people can step into some of these roles that are really hard but now there's a book that can help them. Talk to those people of just maybe somebody's on the fence like, \"Should we do foster care?\r\n\r\n(19:10):\r\n\r\nShould we enter into that? It sounds like it's rough.\"\r\n\r\nPeter (19:14):\r\n\r\nI mean, honestly, it is rough, but he's where I find the pasture. My Jesus didn't come on earth and lived a comfortable life, pursued the comfortable life, that he lived a life that was exemplary, but also too that he's taught us that we suffer for him, we love him. And that's what it takes to be a foster parent or an adoptive parent. It's not easy, but it's worth it. Why? Because we are doing it for Jesus, not for our kids or ourselves and for me as an American now. In my work as an American, they always tell me convenience. Are you saving money so you retire well? The happy, easy life is kind of what I'm pounded all the time, but looking at the Bible, that's not the life, the journey that God is coming. Sacrifice means uncomfortness. Sacrifice means things you don't like. Sacrifice means loving the people that don't look like you, don't act like you, have zero background like you.\r\n\r\n(20:19):\r\n\r\nThat is what sacrifice is. And if we are willing to follow that and love on our kids, one day we get to meet Jesus and say, \"You gave me an extra bedroom. It's what I use it for. You gave me a good job. I got to make money. This is what I use for. You raised me in a good family. Now I get to be the opposite to the child who never had a family. Good faithful. I had a difficult childhood God, but look, you changed me and I get to be the vest of all those who have gone through because I understand it, good and faithful servant.\"\r\n\r\n(20:54):\r\n\r\nHere's what is asking us. Not simple things, no easy things, no things that will inconvenience. Yes. It's things that will inconvenience our lives that we go to sacrifice for and that's parenting and that's loving and that's being there for our kids. And that's what foster care is. Truly, it's a temporary journey saying, \"God, these parents are struggling, but I'm willing to step in for those who love the most to be there for them as their mom and dad figure their lives. And if that doesn't come to the end, I want to be their dad, their mom, as much as I can go.\" And if there's some ladies and men who are not married yet, but they're waiting for that special one. For me, yes, I want to get married, but also, I've chosen to say, \"While I'm waiting, I'm going to be there for these kids.\" I've had my kids, they've never said, \"I wish we had a mom.\" They never had dad that sometimes God will use us where we are.\r\n\r\n(21:49):\r\n\r\nThe tradition says, \"Get married.\" But I think there's also an opportunity to be a mom, a dad while you're waiting for that opportunity. \r\n\r\nDave:\r\n\r\nYeah, that's beautiful. \r\n\r\nAnn:\r\n\r\nIt's a good word.\r\n\r\nPeter (21:57):\r\n\r\nIt can be also temporarily. You could be just foster parenting for short time and then down the road, God will bring someone who has a passion and loving that will come alongside what we would like to do in life.\r\n\r\nAnn (22:10):\r\n\r\nI feel like this bok is unusual and we've needed a book like this. Again, the book is called Love Does Not Conquer All: And Other Surprising Lessons I Learned as a Foster Dad to More Than 40 Kids by Peter Mutabazi.\r\n\r\nDave (22:24):\r\n\r\nWell, I know for Ann and I, probably two of the most significant moments in our entire life were when our son adopted his two foster boys that he fostered that were brothers at two different times because the second boy came after they told him the birth mother will never have another child. And then they get a call a couple years later and say, \"She had one and you've got a couple hours to decide if you want. \"\r\n\r\nAnn (22:48):\r\n\r\nNo, it was like 15 minutes to decide.\r\n\r\nPeter (22:50):\r\n\r\nThat's why I have three of their siblings. Yeah.\r\n\r\nDave (22:54):\r\n\r\nBoom. Yeah. And so I mean, sitting in that courtroom when the judge said they're a Wilson, it's just so powerful because we know the little boys don't know what their life would have been. We know what they would have been and to see that they have a totally different life, that's us. We are adopted to a brand-new life in Jesus.\r\n\r\nPeter (23:18):\r\n\r\nAnd think about even your family, just like 10 years ago, that wasn't even somewhere close. When we all beat in a winning on how far the Lord will take us, not always easy with the joy that we get to step up for the most vulnerable.\r\n\r\nAnn (23:33):\r\n\r\nAnd they've made our family so much better and richer.\r\n\r\nPeter (23:36):\r\n\r\nI'm sure. I saw that picture.\r\n\r\nDave (23:39):\r\n\r\nYeah, you saw it. They don't look like us, but they are us. Thank you.\r\n\r\nPeter (23:43):\r\n\r\nThey\u2019re Wilsons.\r\n\r\nDave (23:43):\r\n\r\nHey, you can come back anytime. Next time, bring some kids. \r\n\r\nPeter (23:46):\r\n\r\nOh, please. I will. Maybe my teenagers. \r\n\r\nDave:\r\n\r\nThat'd be fun.\r\n\r\nAnn (23:48):\r\n\r\nDo that. Thanks, Peter.\r\n\r\nDave (23:50):\r\n\r\nAnd again, the book is called Love Does Not Conquer All. That's a good title.\r\n\r\nAnn (23:53):\r\n\r\nIt is.\r\n\r\nDave (23:54):\r\n\r\nIt's against everything we've heard. It does not conquer all. And you can get it at FamilyLifeToday.com. Click the link in the show notes.\r\n\r\nAnn (24:01):\r\n\r\nI just want to remind our listeners that our vision at FamilyLife is every home a godly home and we need your help to get there. And when you become a FamilyLife Partner, your monthly support makes that vision actually possible.\r\n\r\nDave (24:16):\r\n\r\nYeah, you'll get access to exclusive updates and events and the chance to join our partner's only online community. But more than that, you're helping change the future of families. So the question is, will you come alongside us and alongside families in need?\r\n\r\nAnn (24:32):\r\n\r\nAnd you can go to FamilyLifeToday.com and read more about it and become a partner. Just click the donate button at the top and again, you can go to FamilyLifeToday.com. \r\n\r\nFamilyLife Today is a donor-supported production of FamilyLife\u00ae, a Cru\u00ae Ministry; 50 years of helping you pursue the relationships that matter most.\r\n\r\nIf you\u2019ve benefited from the FamilyLife Today transcripts, would you consider donating today to help defray the costs of producing them and making them available online?\r\n\r\nCopyright \u00a9 2026 FamilyLife. 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