{"id":317755,"date":"2026-02-03T08:00:00","date_gmt":"2026-02-03T13:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/%series%\/feeling-lonely-in-marriage-heres-how-to-fight-the-drift-dave-ann-wilson\/"},"modified":"2026-02-04T02:53:28","modified_gmt":"2026-02-04T07:53:28","slug":"feeling-lonely-in-marriage-heres-how-to-fight-the-drift-dave-ann-wilson","status":"publish","type":"podcast","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/feeling-lonely-in-marriage-heres-how-to-fight-the-drift-dave-ann-wilson\/","title":{"rendered":"Feeling Lonely in Marriage? Here&#8217;s How to Fight the Drift &#8211; Dave &#038; Ann Wilson"},"content":{"rendered":"<p>Feeling lonely in marriage? Your relationship starts with fireworks, then reality hits: unmet expectations, silent scorekeeping, and that quiet pull toward isolation. Dave and Ann Wilson get it, because they&#8217;ve lived it.<\/p>\n<p>Discover the three biggest threats dragging couples apart and how to fight back with action, not just feelings. Stop drifting. Start building real oneness\u2014before it&#8217;s too late.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>On FamilyLife Today, Dave and Ann Wilson share from experience: the 3 biggest threats pulling couples apart\u2014and practical ways to fight back for real oneness.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":47000,"featured_media":295627,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"","_seopress_robots_index":"","inline_featured_image":false,"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","episode_type":"","audio_file":"https:\/\/traffic.omny.fm\/d\/clips\/cbd16f10-ac60-4f09-b4df-b15400ce35aa\/33aaac7e-3581-4e21-a3df-b154011ba58c\/f274594f-2143-40e7-8542-b3db011b5822\/audio.mp3","podmotor_file_id":"","podmotor_episode_id":"","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"00:24:55","filesize":"22.85M","filesize_raw":"","date_recorded":"","explicit":"","block":""},"categories":[2849],"tags":[],"podcast_series":[],"cwp_profile":[],"series":[2101],"class_list":["post-317755","podcast","type-podcast","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-drifting-apart","series-familylife-today"],"acf":[],"episode_featured_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Cover_1024x1024.jpg?w=1024","episode_player_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2023\/02\/image-scaled.jpg","download_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-download\/317755\/feeling-lonely-in-marriage-heres-how-to-fight-the-drift-dave-ann-wilson","player_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-player\/317755\/feeling-lonely-in-marriage-heres-how-to-fight-the-drift-dave-ann-wilson","audio_player":null,"episode_data":{"playerMode":"light","subscribeUrls":{"apple_podcasts":{"key":"apple_podcasts","url":"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303?mt=2&app=podcast","label":"Apple Podcasts","class":"apple_podcasts","icon":"apple-podcasts.png"},"google_podcasts":{"key":"google_podcasts","url":"","label":"Google Podcasts","class":"google_podcasts","icon":"google-podcasts.png"},"spotify":{"key":"spotify","url":"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm","label":"Spotify","class":"spotify","icon":"spotify.png"},"youtube":{"key":"youtube","url":"","label":"YouTube","class":"youtube","icon":"youtube.png"}},"rssFeedUrl":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/feed\/podcast\/familylife-today","embedCode":"<blockquote class=\"wp-embedded-content\" data-secret=\"9vWHdWkxVx\"><a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/feeling-lonely-in-marriage-heres-how-to-fight-the-drift-dave-ann-wilson\/\">Feeling Lonely in Marriage? Here&#8217;s How to Fight the Drift &#8211; Dave &#038; Ann Wilson<\/a><\/blockquote><iframe sandbox=\"allow-scripts\" security=\"restricted\" src=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/feeling-lonely-in-marriage-heres-how-to-fight-the-drift-dave-ann-wilson\/embed\/#?secret=9vWHdWkxVx\" width=\"500\" height=\"350\" title=\"&#8220;Feeling Lonely in Marriage? Here&#8217;s How to Fight the Drift &#8211; Dave &#038; Ann Wilson&#8221; &#8212; FamilyLife\u00ae - A Cru Ministry\" data-secret=\"9vWHdWkxVx\" frameborder=\"0\" marginwidth=\"0\" marginheight=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\" class=\"wp-embedded-content\"><\/iframe><script>\n\/*! This file is auto-generated *\/\n!function(d,l){\"use strict\";l.querySelector&&d.addEventListener&&\"undefined\"!=typeof URL&&(d.wp=d.wp||{},d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage||(d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage=function(e){var t=e.data;if((t||t.secret||t.message||t.value)&&!\/[^a-zA-Z0-9]\/.test(t.secret)){for(var s,r,n,a=l.querySelectorAll('iframe[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),o=l.querySelectorAll('blockquote[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),c=new RegExp(\"^https?:$\",\"i\"),i=0;i<o.length;i++)o[i].style.display=\"none\";for(i=0;i<a.length;i++)s=a[i],e.source===s.contentWindow&&(s.removeAttribute(\"style\"),\"height\"===t.message?(1e3<(r=parseInt(t.value,10))?r=1e3:~~r<200&&(r=200),s.height=r):\"link\"===t.message&&(r=new URL(s.getAttribute(\"src\")),n=new URL(t.value),c.test(n.protocol))&&n.host===r.host&&l.activeElement===s&&(d.top.location.href=t.value))}},d.addEventListener(\"message\",d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage,!1),l.addEventListener(\"DOMContentLoaded\",function(){for(var e,t,s=l.querySelectorAll(\"iframe.wp-embedded-content\"),r=0;r<s.length;r++)(t=(e=s[r]).getAttribute(\"data-secret\"))||(t=Math.random().toString(36).substring(2,12),e.src+=\"#?secret=\"+t,e.setAttribute(\"data-secret\",t)),e.contentWindow.postMessage({message:\"ready\",secret:t},\"*\")},!1)))}(window,document);\n\/\/# sourceURL=https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-includes\/js\/wp-embed.min.js\n<\/script>\n"},"uagb_featured_image_src":{"full":["https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Cover_1024x1024.jpg",1024,1024,false]},"uagb_author_info":{"display_name":"Margaret","author_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/author\/margaret-coylefamilylife-com\/"},"uagb_comment_info":0,"uagb_excerpt":"On FamilyLife Today, Dave and Ann Wilson share from experience: the 3 biggest threats pulling couples apart\u2014and practical ways to fight back for real oneness.","meta_box":{"show_notes":"\n<ul>\n<li>\n<p>Visit <a href=\"https:\/\/www.familylife.com\/content-offers\/familylifes-best-of-marriage\/\">familylife.com\/marriagehelp<\/a> for free resources<\/p>\n<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<hr>\n<ul>\n<li>Find resources from this podcast at <a href=\"https:\/\/shop.familylife.com\/product-category\/radio-resources\/\">shop.familylife.com<\/a>.<\/li>\n<li><a href=\"https:\/\/shop.familylife.com\/product-category\/past-radio-resources\/\">See resources from our past podcasts.<\/a><\/li>\n<li>Find more content and resources on the <a href=\"https:\/\/www.familylife.com\/app\/\">FamilyLife's app<\/a>!<\/li>\n<li>Help others find FamilyLife. Leave a review on <a href=\"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303\">Apple Podcast<\/a> or <a href=\"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm?si=d6dfa8d2415f4750\">Spotify<\/a>.<\/li>\n<li>Check out all the FamilyLife's podcasts on the <a href=\"https:\/\/www.familylife.com\/familylife-podcast-network\/\">FamilyLife Podcast Network<\/a><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n\n","transcript_url":"https:\/\/transcript.familylife.com\/fl2026-02-03.pdf","transcript_content":"\nFamilyLife Today\u00ae with Dave and Ann Wilson - Web Version Transcript\r\n\r\nThis content has been generated by an artificial intelligence language model. While we strive for accuracy and quality, please note that the information provided will most likely not be entirely error-free or up-to-date. We recommend independently verifying the content with the originally-released audio. This transcript is provided for your personal use and general information purposes only. References to conferences, resources, or other special promotions may be obsolete. We do not assume any responsibility or liability for the use or interpretation of this content.\r\n\r\nFeeling Lonely in Marriage? Here\u2019s How to Fight the Drift\r\n\r\nGuests:Dave and Ann Wilson\r\n\r\nFrom the series:Feeling Lonely in Marriage? Here\u2019s How to Fight the Drift \r\n\r\n(Day 1 of 1)\r\n\r\nAir date:February 3, 2026\r\n\r\nDave (00:04):\r\n\r\nYou go into marriage, thinking, \u201cWe'll have a great marriage\u2014if she does her half; I do my half\u2014it'll work. And the person who says he'll meet you halfway is usually a poor judge of distance. The truth is: you overestimate what you're putting in and underestimate what they're putting in.\r\n\r\nAnn (00:29):\r\n\r\nWelcome to FamilyLife Today, where we want to help you pursue the relationships that matter most. I'm Ann Wilson.\r\n\r\nDave (00:35):\r\n\r\nAnd I'm Dave Wilson. And you can find us at FamilyLifeToday.com. This is FamilyLife Today. \r\n\r\nDave: Okay, I got a question for you. There's nobody else in the studio but us today; nobody's going to hear your answer except me. What were you surprised about when we got married; or maybe, even shocked? First thing comes to your mind; give me an answer: \u201cHow amazing your husband was.\u201d\r\n\r\nAnn (01:06):\r\n\r\nHow dysfunctional you were\u2014honestly, that was what I thought\u2014\u201cWow! He is so messed up.\u201d And it wasn't until a few years later that I thought, \u201cOh, I am really messed up, too.\u201d What about you?\r\n\r\nDave (01:25):\r\n\r\nWe said this before: when we went to the Weekend to Remember\u00ae\u2014FamilyLife's marriage getaway\u2014our first exposure to FamilyLife two weeks before our wedding. I think I was shocked that we sat there, thinking, \u201cWe'll have no problems. Marriage will be awesome; it'll be easy; it'll be wonderful. We love Jesus; we love each other.\u201d I'm just shocked that we never even considered the baggage we both were bringing in\u2014especially me, with two alcoholic parents; divorce; my brother dying as a little boy\u2014none of that seemed relevant. It's like, \u201cAh, it's all in the past. It's done; it's over. We're going to get married. It's going to be easy; it's going to be wonderful.\u201d I was bringing a U-Haul semi-truck of junk into our marriage.\r\n\r\nAnn (02:11):\r\n\r\nAnd so was I.\r\n\r\nLet me ask you, as a viewer and as a listener: \u201cDo you remember a point in your marriage that reality set in, and you weren't looking at your spouse with rose-colored glasses?\u201d Because I think every one of us hits a point in marriage. Don't you think every person does?\r\n\r\nDave (02:31):\r\n\r\nEveryone. \r\n\r\nAnn: Everyone.\r\n\r\nDave: Hopefully, it's not on the honeymoon; but it could be.\r\n\r\nAnn (02:34):\r\n\r\nIt could be. For some, it does happen on the honeymoon. That's scary to have those thoughts; because you think, \u201cOh, I married the wrong person.\u201d\r\n\r\nDave (02:42):\r\n\r\nYeah, and you think they're the problem. I did anyway; I thought you were the problem.\r\n\r\nAnn (02:47):\r\n\r\nOh, I thought you were the problem.\r\n\r\nDave (02:48):\r\n\r\nYou told me.\r\n\r\nAnn (02:49):\r\n\r\nI did tell you, often. I thought that, if you would change, I could be happy. I think that's what most of us can think in marriage: \u201cIf he would just change this, this,\u201d or \u201c\u2026do this, or this, I could be happy\u201d; and that's not the truth. \r\n\r\nOr maybe, this happens\u2014because not everyone may be totally disappointed in their spouse, but life just happens\u2014disappointment in life, or sickness, or health issues, or trauma of some sort happens. We naturally\u2014and this is where we're going\u2014we naturally, when that happens, drift away from each other. Whether it's disappointment in each other or just hard, busy lives, we tend\u2014and we will\u2014drift apart.\r\n\r\nDave (03:33):\r\n\r\nOne of the things we say at the FamilyLife Weekend to Remember\u00ae is: \u201cEvery marriage is moving toward oneness, which is God's goal; or drifting toward isolation.\u201d \r\n\r\nSo let's talk, and you can do an evaluation of your marriage. Today, we're going to talk about what we would call \u201cThree Threats to Oneness\u201d or \u201cThree Things that Cause You to Drift.\u201d I think, as you watch us or listen, I would evaluate your marriage. \r\n\r\nAnn: Me too. \r\n\r\nDave: Maybe, you're sitting there with your spouse; and you guys can talk about it. If not, take notes; and then, talk about it tonight.\r\n\r\nAnn (04:06):\r\n\r\nOr send it to your spouse and listen. Or if you're engaged, this would be interesting to know before you get married.\r\n\r\nDave (04:12):\r\n\r\nOh, every engaged couple, seriously-dating couple, should be listening right now, and watching, and preparing. This will happen to you, even though I know you love each other so much. \u201cThis'll never happen,\u201d\u2014it's going to happen. And it's not a bad thing!\r\n\r\nAnn: No! It\u2019s life!\r\n\r\nDave: It's actually going to drive you closer together as you navigate through this. But if you don't see it coming, you're going to be derailed.\r\n\r\nAnn (04:35):\r\n\r\nAnd hopefully, it will make you realize your need for Jesus.\r\n\r\nDave (04:38):\r\n\r\nAlright. Here's the first threat to oneness: \u201cUnrealistic Expectations.\u201d I almost said, \u201cJust expectations\u201d; but most of the time, they're unrealistic. You don't even realize you have these expectations. You know what the gap is between reality and expectations?\u2014that gap is called \u201cdisappointment.\u201d We bring in these expectations. \r\n\r\nLet's talk about a couple of them: One would be: \u201cFeelings will stay hot after you're married.\u201d Is that true?\r\n\r\nAnn (05:09):\r\n\r\nI think they can stay hot for a while and kind of go up and down, but going up and down is very natural. I wish somebody would've said that; because when my feelings started to wane, and go down, or dissipate, I thought, \u201cOh, no; we're falling out of love. Does that mean we're ending? Does that mean we're bad?\u201d I think that's really normal for that to happen; don't you?\r\n\r\nDave (05:32):\r\n\r\nYeah; I think couples that experience disappointment, what they're experiencing is: \u201cI used to feel this about her\u2026I don't feel that anymore. I married the wrong person,\u201d or \u201cWe made a mistake.\u201d What they need to know is that's normal! That's reality; that's life! You're not going to feel the same things that you once felt, and your love's not based on a feeling. It's based on a covenant: \u201cI made a promise. And whether I feel like it or not, I'm going to stay. I'm going to love her, and I'm going to serve her, even when I don't want to.\u201d\r\n\r\nAnn (06:04):\r\n\r\nWell, when we were going to college, I was at the University of Kentucky. You were at Ball State in Indiana. You would finish a football game in the fall, as you're a player. You would call me, and say, \u201cI have to see you this weekend. I have to see you.\u201d It's Saturday evening, because you've already had the game. You've already been in the locker room, so it's like four o'clock; maybe, five o'clock. And you'd say, \u201cI'm driving to see you,\u201d which is\u2014how far was it?\r\n\r\nDave (06:31):\r\n\r\nThree and a half hours. \r\n\r\nAnn (06:32):\r\n\r\n\u2014three and a half\u2014you would get in your car, and you would drive to Lexington, Kentucky. I was like, \u201cHe's so amazing. Look at this guy: he goes all out in his love for me. He shows me all the time.\u201d You did that during the whole football season for home games.\r\n\r\nDave (06:48):\r\n\r\nSeven-\/eight-hour round trip\u2014\r\n\r\nAnn (06:50):\r\n\r\n\u2014because you'd go back that night. \r\n\r\nDave (06:52):\r\n\r\n\u2014for an hour-and-a-half moment to look in your eyes, and say, \u201cI love you.\u201d\r\n\r\nAnn (06:57):\r\n\r\nBut what happened to me was\u2014I'll never forget; I think we had kids; and maybe, a baby\u2014you were coming home from work. I called you, and said, \u201cHey, could you pick up some milk at the grocery store?\u201d And you're like, \u201cAhhh!\u201d\r\n\r\nAnn (07:16):\r\n\r\nI said, \u201cForget it.\u201d\r\n\r\nDave: \u201cI\u2019ll do it myself.\u201d \r\n\r\nAnn: \u201cI'll just do it myself.\u201d He goes [sounding bothered], \u201cNo, I'll do it. What do you want?\u201d And I wouldn't even tell you: \u201cIt's too late.\u201d I can remember thinking, \u201cMan, before we were married, he would drive three-and-a-half hours just to be with me for an hour and a half. And now, he can't even get to the grocery store for some milk!\u201d I thought, \u201cHe's so selfish.\u201d That's where we can go when we have unrealistic expectations. \r\n\r\nNow, maybe, some of you are thinking that shouldn't be unrealistic that he stops and gets some milk; but it's just disappointment.\r\n\r\nDave (07:51):\r\n\r\nAnd I always say, \u201cGuys, stop and get the stuff at the store. Don't go, \u2018Ahhh!\u2019\u201d Seriously, it is so disappointing to make a little thing\u2014seven\/eight minutes out of my life\u2014again, the feelings weren't what they used to be.\r\n\r\nAnn (08:13):\r\n\r\nSo you're saying you are going to have the feelings of you don't want to do it.\r\n\r\nDave: Yeah.\r\n\r\nAnn: But as a covenant\u2014and love is action\u2014\r\n\r\nDave: \u2014you do it. \r\n\r\nAnn: If love is action, you love each other regardless of how you feel.\r\n\r\nDave (08:23):\r\n\r\nI wish I would've known\u2014and I'm sure we were told this\u2014probably, even at the Weekend to Remember: \u201cYour feelings aren't going to stay like they are.\u201d I'm sure they said that. \r\n\r\nAnn (08:33):\r\n\r\nThey go up and down.\r\n\r\nDave (08:34):\r\n\r\nAnd when they went away, you feel like something's wrong. It's like, \u201cNo, it's normal.\u201d A Paul David Tripp famous quote is: \u201cIf you're disappointed in your marriage, it's not because you have a bad marriage; it\u2019s because you're married.\u201d In other words, disappointment's a part of every marriage, at times. Now, hopefully, it doesn't linger for months at a time; but it's going to be a part of daily or weekly expectations. \r\n\r\nYou step through those, and realize, \u201cMy expectations were unrealistic.\u201d You can't sustain an infatuated, romantic feeling\u2014feeling ooey, ooey, ooey love\u2014all the time. We're in year 45; there are moments that you have a high feeling of love; but most of the time, it's day to day: \u201cI know I'm in love, because I'm not going anywhere. I made a covenant and a promise, and I'm going to honor that. I'm going to stop at the pharmacy, again, and get your stuff.\u201d\r\n\r\nAnn (09:31):\r\n\r\nI think of Jesus, knowing that He would die on the cross when He was in the garden. He was saying to the Father, \u201cLet this cup pass from Me.\u201d His feelings were like, \u201cOh, this is going to be hard; I'd rather not.\u201d But love pays the price, and He paid the ultimate price with His blood and with His life. And for me, that's a good example of I'm going to be obedient; and I'm going to love, sacrificially, no matter how I feel. \r\n\r\nOkay, what about roles: expectations.\r\n\r\nDave (10:01):\r\n\r\nUnrealistic expectations in our roles\u2014He's going to do this,\u201d \u201cShe's going to do that,\u201d\u2014the one that really caused us problems was you thought I'd be this amazing John the Baptist spiritual leader for you and for the kids.\r\n\r\nAnn (10:17):\r\n\r\nNo, I didn't need John the Baptist; I wanted you to be Dennis Rainey,\u2014\r\n\r\nDave (10:21):\r\n\r\nOh, great.\r\n\r\nAnn (10:22):\r\n\r\n\u2014who was the founder and president of FamilyLife. I had an image, and I'm sure if I talked to his wife, Barbara\u2014and Dennis would've said this too\u2014\u201cDon't compare Dave to me, because I\u2019m not that great.\u201d \r\n\r\nBut we all\u2014especially, now, with social media\u2014we can compare our spouse to so many people. Just yesterday, I showed Dave this clip that I watched; it was on Instagram. It's this wife, in her car. She says, \u201cWatch this.\u201d She's videoing her husband, and she's coming in her car. She said, \u201cHe's been doing this for 30 years, every single day.\u201d She pulls up, and he comes out of the garage. He says, \u201cBaby, what can I get you? Do I need to get your things for you? I've got dinner already on the table.\u201d\r\n\r\nDave (11:07):\r\n\r\nWhy did you even show me that?\r\n\r\nAnn (11:09):\r\n\r\nExactly!\r\n\r\nDave (11:10):\r\n\r\nI don't believe it. I do not believe this guy's been doing this every day she comes home from work. Let me get a third-party perspective: Bruce, do you think this husband really does that every day? Is this a made up thing on TikTok or Instagram? \r\n\r\nBruce [audio engineer]: It's made up. \r\n\r\nDave: That's what I said. \r\n\r\nBruce: No, it's real. No, it was an AI video, actually. It was generated; those people don't exist. \r\n\r\nDave: There you go. There are not husbands like that. You heard it from another husband.\r\n\r\nAnn (11:34):\r\n\r\nBut see! What that does is it\u2014\r\n\r\nDave (11:35):\r\n\r\nEvery wife thinks that's going to be her husband.\r\n\r\nAnn (11:37):\r\n\r\nYes! It plants a seed of disappointment, like: \u201cWow! My husband doesn't even acknowledge me,\u201d or \u201cMy wife doesn't acknowledge me when I walk in the door.\u201d\r\n\r\nDave (11:45):\r\n\r\nI know.\r\n\r\nAnn (11:45):\r\n\r\nI think those unrealistic expectations create disappointment; which then, again, causes us to drift to isolation.\r\n\r\nDave (11:53):\r\n\r\nHey, one other, which I missed.\r\n\r\nAnn (11:57):\r\n\r\nWhat?\r\n\r\nDave (11:57):\r\n\r\nIt's about romance: it's about gentleness; it's about kind words; it's about non-sexual touch.\r\n\r\nAnn (12:04):\r\n\r\nIt's about vacuuming the family room.\r\n\r\nDave (12:07):\r\n\r\nYeah, it's about serving: \u201cShe needs to be seen and loved,\u201d \u201cHe needs to be affirmed.\u201d I always like to say, \u201cMake love a verb.\u201d\r\n\r\nAnn (12:16):\r\n\r\nYeah; love is action.\r\n\r\nDave (12:17):\r\n\r\nYeah; it's a verb: it's like, \u201cStep into it.\u201d \r\n\r\nAgain, you come in with these expectations: \u201cIt's just the bedroom.\u201d It's like, \u201cNo, there's a lot more going on there. Intimacy is so beautiful and deep, beyond the bedroom. It makes the bedroom better if you understand that. But if you don't, you're going to drift; and you're going to have this gap between expectations and reality, and you'll be disappointed.\u201d\r\n\r\nAnn (12:40):\r\n\r\nOkay, so rate yourself on that one: \u201cHow are you doing with your expectations?\u201d Unrealistic expectations?\u2014how should we do it?\u2014 \u201cI'm right on,\u201d should be what? You could just say that: \u201cYeah, I don't have unrealistic expectations.\u201d\r\n\r\nDave (12:55):\r\n\r\n\u2014or \u201cIs there a big gap?\u201d Give a number to that gap.\r\n\r\nAnn (12:57):\r\n\r\nYeah.\r\n\r\nDave (12:58):\r\n\r\n\u201410 being it's a huge gap; 1 being hardly; 0 is nothing. \u201cAre you a 3, a 5, a 7?\u201d\r\n\r\nBasically, the way to adjust that is you need to lower your expectations. At the other side, I look at the guys again, and say, \u201cStep up; be the man she thought she married.\u201d\r\n\r\nAnn (13:18):\r\n\r\nWell, when you say \u201clower your expectations,\u201d some people might be thinking, \u201cOh, well, now, I'm just going to enable them to be a slob,\u201d or \u201c\u2026to be lazy,\u201d or \u201c\u2026to not do anything.\u201d What would you say to that?\r\n\r\nDave (13:29):\r\n\r\nI'd say, \u201cHave realistic expectations. You don't want to enable someone to be a slob,\u2014\r\n\r\nAnn (13:36):\r\n\r\nAnd you're going to speak truth at times.\r\n\r\nDave (13:37):\r\n\r\n\u2014\"or lazy, or not committed; because you want to raise the bar, and say, \u2018Let's be the best we can be\u2014especially, for myself\u2014but for us.\u2019 Some of these expectations are just unrealistic; your feelings are not always going to be hot.\u201d\r\n\r\nAnn (13:53):\r\n\r\nAnd I'll say this, too, as one who wrote about this, and who lived it: \u201cWhen I constantly pointed out to you all of your shortcomings,\u2014\r\n\r\nDave (14:02):\r\n\r\nThat was always fun.\r\n\r\nAnn (14:03):\r\n\r\n\u2014\u201cit made you worse.\u201d To point out the things that they're doing well, that's motivating. I hope you hear that as we say, \u201cLower your expectations.\u201d\r\n\r\nDave (14:13):\r\n\r\nBut I just heard a wife say, \u201cHe's doing nothing well.\u201d\r\n\r\nAnn (14:15):\r\n\r\nI would say,\u2014\r\n\r\nDave (14:16):\r\n\r\nWhat do you say to her?\u2014\r\n\r\nAnn (14:17):\r\n\r\nI\u2019d say,\u2014\r\n\r\nDave (14:18):\r\n\r\n\u2014or to him?\u2014husband's thinking the same thing.\r\n\r\nAnn (14:20):\r\n\r\n\u201cAsk God to give you eyes to see the things that he's doing right; because there\u2019s something you used to see, so point that out.\u201d\r\n\r\nDave (14:27):\r\n\r\nAnd if you're saying, \u201cThere is nothing,\u201d that's a lie; there's something. \r\n\r\nAgain, if you're living with an abusive man, who's hurting you; or she's hurting you, physically or verbally, we would say, \u201cFirst of all, get safe; get help.\u201d\r\n\r\nAnn (14:43):\r\n\r\n\u201cGet out.\u201d\r\n\r\nDave (14:44):\r\n\r\nYeah, we're talking about a good-willed guy,\u2014\r\n\r\nAnn (14:46):\r\n\r\n\u2014and a good-willed woman.\r\n\r\nDave (14:47):\r\n\r\n\u2014who's trying to do a good job. \u201cHe\u2019s like Dave\u2014he's just not very good at it\u2014and he's pretty selfish.\u201d\r\n\r\nAnn (14:54):\r\n\r\nYou're really good at it.\r\n\r\nDave (14:55):\r\n\r\nNo, I was very, very selfish; I'm not now. I'm the most unselfish person I've ever met every second of every day. But there was a time\u2014by the way, if anybody thinks I'm serious, don't be sending emails\u2014I'm not serious! The selfishness is still part of our DNA; we have to let Christ crucify it every single day: \u201cIt's not I who live, but Christ who lives in me,\u201d Galatians 2:20.\r\n\r\nAnn (15:20):\r\n\r\nAnd also, if you want more help; and you think, \u201cOh, man, I wish I could hear more, read more about this,\u201d you can go to FamilyLife.com\/MarriageHelp. We'll have some free resources for you.\r\n\r\nDave (15:33):\r\n\r\nAlright, we got two more threats; and we don't have a lot of time.\r\n\r\nAnn (15:35):\r\n\r\nAlright, let's do it.\r\n\r\nDave (15:36):\r\n\r\nSecond one\u2014we talk about this at the Weekend to Remember\u2014it's the \u201c50\/50 Performance Marriage.\u201d The threat is you go into marriage, thinking, \u201cWe'll have a great marriage\u2014if she does her half; I do my half\u2014it'll work. And the person who says he'll meet you halfway is usually a poor judge of distance. The truth is: you overestimate what you're putting in and underestimate what they're putting in. \r\n\r\nAnn (16:01):\r\n\r\nYeah; you're totally evaluating your spouse's performance, continually. You can notice this by: if you're comparing whose day was the hardest. If you think, \u201cI've been doing this all day,\u201d\u2014you always imagine your life is way harder than what your spouse's life has been like that day\u2014you don't even know what their day was, but you imagine [yours as] being harder.\r\n\r\nDave (16:24):\r\n\r\nI spent a couple days at home with three little boys, and I realized your life is a lot harder than my life. I would've never known that until it actually happened.\r\n\r\nAnn (16:36):\r\n\r\nI know the things that you do every day, and I wouldn't have wanted to walk in that part of life either. You're putting out fires in relationships at work all the time; you're writing all these messages; you have a lot on your plate, too. I never thought about that.\r\n\r\nDave (16:50):\r\n\r\nAll you need to know is marriage is a 100\/100; there's no 50\/50. That is a myth; it doesn't work.\r\n\r\nAnn (16:58):\r\n\r\nA lot of times, what we do is we feel like our spouse isn't performing: \u201cWhat do we think they should be doing?\u201d We pull back; so instead of giving 50\u2014as you said before\u2014now, we're giving 30; and you're thinking, \u201cThey're doing nothing. Why should I put this effort in?\u201d And I'll tell you why: because God is honored by the way that you love people, even when they don't deserve it.\r\n\r\nDave (17:21):\r\n\r\nAnd when your eyes are constantly on your spouse, as well, you know what you do is\u2014all you see is their weaknesses\u2014and you focus on that.\r\n\r\nAnn (17:29):\r\n\r\nOh, I was good at that.\r\n\r\nDave (17:32):\r\n\r\nI was good at it, too; it's so easy to do. It comes from the third threat. The third threat, I think, is the biggest one\u2014it's the root of them all\u2014it's selfishness. \u201cSelfishness destroys a marriage: it destroys romance; it is the reason we drift apart.\u201d To be one requires unselfish serving, and laying down your life, to say, \u201cIt's not about me. It really isn't even about my happiness. It's about serving my spouse and making her\u2014or his\u2014life better.\u201d\r\n\r\nAnn (18:05):\r\n\r\nAnd I would say I had this martyr complex, that I would be like, \u201cI am so much less selfish than Dave is. I have to do everything around here,\u201d\u2014not realizing that even that thought, right there, is a self-centered arrogant thought. I constantly had that going on in my head, and that's bad on me. That required repentance, honestly, of: \u201cLord, I can do nothing apart from You. My eyes are so fixed on me that I can't even see straight.\u201d\r\n\r\nDave (18:37):\r\n\r\nSelfishness is basically sin; it's what the Bible calls sin: \u201cI'm thinking about me; me first.\u201d Marriage is thinking about her first\/him first. \r\n\r\nI remember talking to this pre-married guy; I was mentoring him. I said, \u201cHey, you know what? You're signing up for marriage.\u201d And he's like, \u201cYeah, it's going to be awesome.\u201d I go, \u201cWhat's going to be awesome?\u201d \u201cWe're going to love each other; we're going to serve Jesus together.\u201d \r\n\r\n\u201cYeah, that's not what you're signing up for.\u201d He goes, \u201cNo, really; we've been honoring God with our life and our body. We're just\u2026\u201d I go, \u201cLet me tell you what you're signing up for.\u201d He goes, \u201cWhat's that?\u201d I go, \u201cYou're signing up to die.\u201d \u201cYeah, that\u2019s real funny.\u201d I go, \u201cNo, you're signing up to die.\u201d He goes, \u201cWhat are you talking about?\u201d I go, \u201cIt's no longer about you, dude. Your whole life's been about you. You've thought about what you're going to eat, and when you're going to sleep, when you're going to\u2026\u201d I go, \u201cThose days are over. Now, it is about her: \u2018How do I lay down my life?\u2019 Paul wrote, in Ephesians 5: \u2018Husbands love your wives as Christ loved the church.\u2019 And he didn't stop there; he's like, \u2018Okay, how did Christ love the church?\u2014He gave Himself up for her. He died to forgive our sins.\u2019 He said, \u2018You got to love your wife like that. You got to lay down your life; it's not about you anymore.\u2019\u201d\r\n\r\nAnn (19:50):\r\n\r\nWell, what did he say?\r\n\r\nDave (19:51):\r\n\r\nIt's like, \u201cYou got to deny yourself and become selfless.\u201d \r\n\r\nAnn: This is so good. \r\n\r\nDave: He was just like, \u201cThat's not going to be that hard.\u201d I go, \u201cDude, you have no idea. That's what you're signing up for. And when you embrace that, you'll have a great marriage.\u201d If you're going to embrace: \u2018She's going to serve me, life's going to be better and easier,\u201d\u2014and by the way, all that is true, as well\u2014but when you walk into a marriage with: \u201cI am choosing to, now, give my life away to honor Christ by serving my spouse and putting her needs\u201d\u2014Philippian 2: it's not about me\u2014\u201cplace her needs before my needs in the bedroom, in the kitchen, in the backyard; everywhere I wake up every day.\u201d \r\n\r\nI remember a preacher once said, \u201cDo for your spouse what Christ did for you.\u201d I remember, literally, that afternoon, after I heard that preacher say that, I was laying on the couch. You're like, \u201cI'm going to go out and mow the yard.\u201d And I'm like, \u201cOh, no.\u201d You said, \u201cHey, you want to come help me trim the bushes?\u201d You always try to get me to do that. I'm lying on the couch, watching a football game; and you walk out, like, \u201cOkay, I'll do it by myself.\u201d You walk out, and I'm lying there, going [sarcastically], \u201cDo for your spouse what Christ did for you.\u201d I got off the couch, and I went out there. Again, it was just one of those moments, to say,\u2014\r\n\r\nAnn (21:08):\r\n\r\nI can still remember you coming out; \u201cYou're out here, helping me!\u201d It was like the biggest gift to me.\r\n\r\nDave (21:14):\r\n\r\nThat's killing selfishness. Again, I wish I could say I do that every single day. But if you don't kill selfishness, if you don't ratchet down to the death, you will drift toward isolation.\r\n\r\nAnn (21:29):\r\n\r\nAnd what I think I've done in the past is I've had this attitude of: \u201cI have to: \u2018I'm the one who has to make dinner,\u2019 and \u2018I'm the one who\u2019s having to do\u2026\u2019\u201d\u2014instead of that attitude of gratitude of \u201cI get to\u201d\u2014\"I get to serve my family,\u201d \u201cI get to raise these kids, and really shape them, and disciple them.\u201d Our whole perspective is different in how we're thinking about it in our minds. \r\n\r\nOkay, so how are you guys doing with those two?\r\n\r\nThe 50\/50 Performance Marriage.\r\n\r\nAnd then, the selfishness.\r\n\r\nHow are you doing in that? Because if you're not getting a handle on it, again, we'll drift to isolation.\r\n\r\nDave (22:04):\r\n\r\nI would say we're out of time. Here's my reading for you today for the husband and for the wife\u2014it's just what I was quoting;  Philippians 2:3\u2014\u201cDo nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit; rather, in humility, value others above yourselves,\u201d\u2014and specifically, in the area of marriage, value your spouse above yourselves\u2014\"not looking to your own interests, but each of you to the interests of your spouse.\u201d\r\n\r\nAnd by the way, it goes on to: \u201cHave the same mindset as Christ Jesus, who being in the very nature of God did not consider equality with God something to be used to His advantage; rather, He made himself nothing,\u201d\u2014that's the hardest thing to do: made Himself nothing\u2014\u201cby taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness. Being found in appearance, as a man, He humbled Himself by becoming obedient to death, even death on a cross.\u201d \r\n\r\nThat's our example. I'm telling you this: you do that\u2014and again, this isn't you seeing if your spouse does that; this isn't thinking about her\u2014this without thinking about you. You do that; you will grow toward oneness. You'll have the marriage you want. It's like: to get what you're hoping for, you got to empty yourself. Actually, in the Greek, it\u2019s called kenosis: He emptied himself; made Himself nothing. Lay down your life for your spouse, and watch what happens.\r\n\r\nAnn (23:35):\r\n\r\nI think this is a really good reminder that love is action, that we lay down our lives first\u2014not just to each other, but first you lay your life down to Jesus and surrender\u2014because He will give us the power to live in a way that\u2019s others-centered rather than self-centered.\r\n\r\nDave (23:50):\r\n\r\nYeah; I would just end this way: this is not possible in your own strength.\r\n\r\nAnn (23:54):\r\n\r\nYeah.\r\n\r\nDave (23:54):\r\n\r\nOneness is not possible in your own strength; it requires a surrender to Jesus. And then, He gives you the power to literally say, \u201cIt's not about me anymore\u2014it's about her,\u201d \u201c\u2026it's about him,\u201d\u2014\"I'm going to serve them, and we're going to become one.\u201d Good days are ahead; just give your life away and die. \r\n\r\nWe'll see you next time!\r\n\r\nAnn (24:15):\r\n\r\nHey, leave some comments to let us know: \u201cIs this hard for you?\u201d \u201c\u2026easy for you?\u201d; and even ideas about how to get closer.\r\n\r\nDave (24:23):\r\n\r\nWe meet a ton of couples, who say FamilyLife helped them when they needed it the most. That's what being a FamilyLife Partner is all about: helping others find that same encouragement and tools that you found right here.\r\n\r\nAnn (24:35):\r\n\r\nAnd we'd love for you to join us. Click the \u201cDonate\u201d button at FamilyLifeToday.com and become a Partner today.\r\n\r\nDave (24:46):\r\n\r\nFamilyLife Today is a donor-supported production of FamilyLife\u00ae, a Cru\u00ae Ministry. \r\n\r\nHelping you pursue the relationships that matter most.\r\n\r\nIf you\u2019ve benefited from the FamilyLife Today transcripts, would you consider donating today to help defray the costs of producing them and making them available online?\r\n\r\nCopyright \u00a9 2026 FamilyLife. All rights reserved.\r\n\r\nwww.FamilyLife.com\n","theme_header_position":"","post_header_is_sticky":"","is_header_overlay":""},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast\/317755","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/podcast"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/47000"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=317755"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/295627"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=317755"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=317755"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=317755"},{"taxonomy":"podcast_series","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast_series?post=317755"},{"taxonomy":"cwp_profile","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/cwp_profile?post=317755"},{"taxonomy":"series","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/series?post=317755"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}