{"id":317487,"date":"2026-01-12T08:00:00","date_gmt":"2026-01-12T13:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/%series%\/what-should-i-do-when-my-spouse-gets-emotional-ted-lowe-3\/"},"modified":"2026-01-13T02:35:30","modified_gmt":"2026-01-13T07:35:30","slug":"what-should-i-do-when-my-spouse-gets-emotional-ted-lowe-3","status":"publish","type":"podcast","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/what-should-i-do-when-my-spouse-gets-emotional-ted-lowe-3\/","title":{"rendered":"What Should I Do When My Spouse Gets Emotional? Ted Lowe"},"content":{"rendered":"<p>Your spouse is emotional. What should you do? What should you say? What if you don\u2019t agree? Author Ted Lowe knows changing how you think and respond in moments like this could change your marriage\u2014and he\u2019s got ways to do it.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Ted Lowe knows changing how you think and respond in moments like this could change your marriage<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":47000,"featured_media":312569,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"","_seopress_robots_index":"","inline_featured_image":false,"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","episode_type":"","audio_file":"https:\/\/traffic.omny.fm\/d\/clips\/cbd16f10-ac60-4f09-b4df-b15400ce35aa\/33aaac7e-3581-4e21-a3df-b154011ba58c\/fc3971ff-800f-48ae-b2e7-b3b801518074\/audio.mp3","podmotor_file_id":"","podmotor_episode_id":"","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"00:24:55","filesize":"22.85M","filesize_raw":"","date_recorded":"","explicit":"","block":""},"categories":[2082],"tags":[],"podcast_series":[11231],"cwp_profile":[9887],"series":[2101],"class_list":["post-317487","podcast","type-podcast","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-communication","podcast_series-us-in-mind","cwp_profile-ted-lowe","series-familylife-today"],"acf":[],"episode_featured_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2025\/02\/image_bbee74.jpg?w=1024","episode_player_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2023\/02\/image-scaled.jpg","download_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-download\/317487\/what-should-i-do-when-my-spouse-gets-emotional-ted-lowe-3","player_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-player\/317487\/what-should-i-do-when-my-spouse-gets-emotional-ted-lowe-3","audio_player":null,"episode_data":{"playerMode":"light","subscribeUrls":{"apple_podcasts":{"key":"apple_podcasts","url":"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303?mt=2&app=podcast","label":"Apple Podcasts","class":"apple_podcasts","icon":"apple-podcasts.png"},"google_podcasts":{"key":"google_podcasts","url":"","label":"Google Podcasts","class":"google_podcasts","icon":"google-podcasts.png"},"spotify":{"key":"spotify","url":"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm","label":"Spotify","class":"spotify","icon":"spotify.png"},"youtube":{"key":"youtube","url":"","label":"YouTube","class":"youtube","icon":"youtube.png"}},"rssFeedUrl":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/feed\/podcast\/familylife-today","embedCode":"<blockquote class=\"wp-embedded-content\" data-secret=\"hjWmLANVsM\"><a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/what-should-i-do-when-my-spouse-gets-emotional-ted-lowe-3\/\">What Should I Do When My Spouse Gets Emotional? Ted Lowe<\/a><\/blockquote><iframe sandbox=\"allow-scripts\" security=\"restricted\" src=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/what-should-i-do-when-my-spouse-gets-emotional-ted-lowe-3\/embed\/#?secret=hjWmLANVsM\" width=\"500\" height=\"350\" title=\"&#8220;What Should I Do When My Spouse Gets Emotional? Ted Lowe&#8221; &#8212; FamilyLife\u00ae - A Cru Ministry\" data-secret=\"hjWmLANVsM\" frameborder=\"0\" marginwidth=\"0\" marginheight=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\" class=\"wp-embedded-content\"><\/iframe><script>\n\/*! This file is auto-generated *\/\n!function(d,l){\"use strict\";l.querySelector&&d.addEventListener&&\"undefined\"!=typeof URL&&(d.wp=d.wp||{},d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage||(d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage=function(e){var t=e.data;if((t||t.secret||t.message||t.value)&&!\/[^a-zA-Z0-9]\/.test(t.secret)){for(var s,r,n,a=l.querySelectorAll('iframe[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),o=l.querySelectorAll('blockquote[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),c=new RegExp(\"^https?:$\",\"i\"),i=0;i<o.length;i++)o[i].style.display=\"none\";for(i=0;i<a.length;i++)s=a[i],e.source===s.contentWindow&&(s.removeAttribute(\"style\"),\"height\"===t.message?(1e3<(r=parseInt(t.value,10))?r=1e3:~~r<200&&(r=200),s.height=r):\"link\"===t.message&&(r=new URL(s.getAttribute(\"src\")),n=new URL(t.value),c.test(n.protocol))&&n.host===r.host&&l.activeElement===s&&(d.top.location.href=t.value))}},d.addEventListener(\"message\",d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage,!1),l.addEventListener(\"DOMContentLoaded\",function(){for(var e,t,s=l.querySelectorAll(\"iframe.wp-embedded-content\"),r=0;r<s.length;r++)(t=(e=s[r]).getAttribute(\"data-secret\"))||(t=Math.random().toString(36).substring(2,12),e.src+=\"#?secret=\"+t,e.setAttribute(\"data-secret\",t)),e.contentWindow.postMessage({message:\"ready\",secret:t},\"*\")},!1)))}(window,document);\n\/\/# sourceURL=https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-includes\/js\/wp-embed.min.js\n<\/script>\n"},"uagb_featured_image_src":{"full":["https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2025\/02\/image_bbee74.jpg",1024,1024,true]},"uagb_author_info":{"display_name":"Margaret","author_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/author\/margaret-coylefamilylife-com\/"},"uagb_comment_info":0,"uagb_excerpt":"Ted Lowe knows changing how you think and respond in moments like this could change your marriage","meta_box":{"show_notes":"\n<ul>\n<li>\n<p>Head to <a href=\"https:\/\/www.familylife.com\/weekend-to-remember\/\">weekendtoremember.com<\/a> to save 50% on all getaways through January 26, 2026.<\/p>\n<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<hr>\n<ul>\n<li>Find resources from this podcast at <a href=\"https:\/\/shop.familylife.com\/product-category\/radio-resources\/\">shop.familylife.com<\/a>.<\/li>\n<li><a href=\"https:\/\/shop.familylife.com\/product-category\/past-radio-resources\/\">See resources from our past podcasts.<\/a><\/li>\n<li>Find more content and resources on the <a href=\"https:\/\/www.familylife.com\/app\/\">FamilyLife's app<\/a>!<\/li>\n<li>Help others find FamilyLife. Leave a review on <a href=\"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303\">Apple Podcast<\/a> or <a href=\"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm?si=d6dfa8d2415f4750\">Spotify<\/a>.<\/li>\n<li>Check out all the FamilyLife's podcasts on the <a href=\"https:\/\/www.familylife.com\/familylife-podcast-network\/\">FamilyLife Podcast Network<\/a><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n\n","transcript_url":"https:\/\/transcript.familylife.com\/fl2026-01-12.pdf","transcript_content":"\nFamilyLife Today\u00ae with Dave and Ann Wilson - Web Version Transcript\r\n\r\nThis content has been generated by an artificial intelligence language model. While we strive for accuracy and quality, please note that the information provided will most likely not be entirely error-free or up-to-date. We recommend independently verifying the content with the originally-released audio. This transcript is provided for your personal use and general information purposes only. References to conferences, resources, or other special promotions may be obsolete. We do not assume any responsibility or liability for the use or interpretation of this content.\r\n\r\nWhat Should I Do When My Spouse Gets Emotional?\r\n\r\nGuest:Ted Lowe\r\n\r\nFrom the series:Us in Mind (Day 1 of 3)\r\n\r\nAir date:January 12, 2026\r\n\r\nTed (00:04):\r\n\r\nI thought that empathy was just about being with someone during the tough stuff, but it's also being there with them during the fun stuff. It's [paraphrase]: \u201cRejoice with those who rejoice and cry with those who cry.\u201d And one study said: \u201cHow you celebrate with your spouse is more predictive of a strong relationship than how you fight.\u201d\r\n\r\nAnn (00:29):\r\n\r\nWelcome to FamilyLife Today, where we want to help you pursue the relationships that matter most. I'm Ann Wilson.\r\n\r\nDave (00:35):\r\n\r\nAnd I'm Dave Wilson. And you can find us at FamilyLifeToday.com. This is FamilyLife Today.\r\n\r\nAnn (00:48):\r\n\r\nWe were speaking at a Weekend to Remember\u00ae  marriage getaway this one weekend. As I was speaking, I was talking about how, as women, we can help our husbands to be better. And then, I asked this question: \u201cLet me ask you this: \u2018Do you feel like your husband is happier since he married you?\u2019 And I said, \u2018Is your husband better since he married you?\u2019\u201d Because we can have a pull on our husband's lives that helps determine where he goes.\r\n\r\nDave (01:15):\r\n\r\nThis was Hershey, Pennsylvania, I think.\r\n\r\nAnn (01:17):\r\n\r\nYes!\r\n\r\nDave (01:18):\r\n\r\nAnd I'm sitting in the back when you're saying that; and I'm like, \u201cYeah, this is awesome. I hope every wife's hearing this.\u201d But then the next session\u2014is this the woman that came up?\r\n\r\nAnn (01:26):\r\n\r\nThis woman comes up to me; she's sobbing; she's crying on my shoulder, and I'm patting her. My whole shoulder is drenched. I'm like, \u201cWhat happened? What's wrong?\u201d And she goes, \u201cI\u2019ve realized something at this weekend.\u201d She said, \u201cI married this man, and we divorced. And then, now I'm married to another man; and our marriage is disintegrating. I've always thought it was my husband's fault; but to be honest, they're worse since they married me.\u201d  \r\n\r\nShe said, \u201cI've seen them and all I do is criticize. I thought my criticizing would motivate them. My first husband ended up becoming an alcoholic; and now, my second husband is an alcoholic. I wondered, \u2018Does what I say?\u2014could I have an impact? Could that affect him and what he's thinking about himself?\u2019\u201d \r\n\r\nOf course, we all make our own decisions, and this woman is not to blame for some of the things necessarily; but the question is: \u201cCan we impact our spouse by what we say to them or think about them?\u201d \r\n\r\nDave (02:30):\r\n\r\nAnd the answer, obviously\u2014well, you know what?\u2014I don't know the answer; we've got an expert in the studio. Ted Lowe is with us, and he's going to answer that question for us; right, Ted? You're going to answer that question.\r\n\r\nTed (02:40):\r\n\r\nSure, let's go with that. We'll go with: \u201cYes, okay.\u201d\r\n\r\nDave (02:42):\r\n\r\nYou\u2019re over there, smiling. No, we read your book, Us in Mind. And I love the title because you talk a lot about the mind: How Changing Your Thoughts Can Change Your Marriage. Help us understand this: \u201cIs that true?\u201d \u201cIs that what happens?\u201d\r\n\r\nTed (02:55):\r\n\r\nDuring Covid, I started really pouring [over], like, \u201cThe couples who are happy: how do they think? Do they think differently than couples that aren't happy?\u201d It turns out they just think in a different way; they think in a way that unhappy couples don't. And then, I started seeing all the research on just the power of our thoughts and how that impacts how we think about ourselves and how we think about our spouse\u2014to answer your questions\u2014and how we think about their emotions and how we think about, you know, before we respond and even how we think about: \u201cWhat's the purpose of all this?\u201d Why aren't we even trying here when it comes to marriage?\u201d\r\n\r\nI found out that just our thoughts are so important; because they're not our actions and they're not our attitudes, but they lead to both. \r\n\r\nAnn (03:38):\r\n\r\nAnd we don't generally think about that; because our thoughts: \u201cThey're just in our heads; how harmful can that be?\u201d\r\n\r\nTed (03:44):\r\n\r\nRight! I didn't know not to believe every thought I had. I didn't know that this voice in my head\u2014that I call \u201dFred\u201d\/\u201dFred in my head\u201d\u2014I didn't know that Fred was a liar. I didn't know to not just believe everything that I was thinking and be driven by everything I was thinking. \r\n\r\nScripture is very clear\u2014to test and approve your thoughts\u2014\u201cTake captive\u2026\u201d and you test and approve: \u201cIs this God's good pleasing and perfect will here?\u201d I was just letting all my thoughts run on autopilot. I think most people\u2014I don't know if I can say that fairly\u2014but it feels like a lot of people, at least, think the same way. They never think to question their own thoughts, and they're just determining so much of our relationships.\r\n\r\nDave (04:28):\r\n\r\nYou've been in marriage ministry around couples for decades; so obviously, you already knew what makes a good marriage. As you studied that, how did you end up where you end up with the mind thing? \r\n\r\nAnn: Were you surprised?!\r\n\r\nTed (04:40):\r\n\r\nI was very surprised, actually. It took me back a little bit because there was one area specifically that I thought, \u201cOh, wow; how have I done this this long?\u201d I've been doing marriage ministry for 20-plus years. I thought, \u201cHow have I missed this?\u201d It was the power of empathy. I keep seeing all the research, especially with couples that were happy, that they were really good at being empathetic. And then, it hit me one day: \u201cWell, the reason you've missed it is because you're so bad at it.\u201d\r\n\r\nAnn (05:11):\r\n\r\nYes.\r\n\r\nTed (05:11):\r\n\r\n\u201cYou're so bad at this, actually.\u201d\r\n\r\nDave (05:13):\r\n\r\nHey, you're a minister; you're supposed to be good at it.\r\n\r\nTed (05:15):\r\n\r\nI was good at it with lots of people except, I think, with my bride.\r\n\r\nDave (05:20):\r\n\r\nOh, yes; that is me!\r\n\r\nTed (05:21):\r\n\r\nShe would say too, if she were here, she was the same way. When we first got married, our arguments would go a little bit like this: she would share something going on with her. I would immediately jump into: \u201cWell, here's what you could do\u2026\u201d; for instance, she came home; and she had mentioned this same coworker a couple of times. I say, \u201cHey, you know it feels like we've talked about this person several times. I know you don't like confrontation; but maybe, you should have a tough conversation with her. It's going to make things so much easier, long term,\u201d which sounds pretty logical. I get some kind of response like \u201cBlah, blah, blah.\u201d I\u2019m like, \u201cOkay, that's not what she's wanting.\u201d \r\n\r\nAnd then, so it was the same type of conversation\u2014same cycle of conversation\u2014just change the topic. And then, one day, she says something to me; she says, \u201cI don't want you to fix this; I want you to feel this.\u201d Which as a fixer, I'm like, \u201cWhy are we talking about it if we're not wanting to fix it?\u201d But she's also a fixer, so I think we were both not great at this. When the other one was having an emotion that they were struggling with\u2014especially, if they're sad or frustrated\u2014we would try to fix each other. \r\n\r\nAnn (06:26):\r\n\r\nThis is us, totally us. And I do it to my kids; I did it last week to my daughter-in-law. She's telling me this sad thing. And then, I put Jesus in it, like, \u201cWell, here's what Jesus wants you to know\u2026\u201d That's not what she needed\u2014that's true\u2014but that empathy part\u2014\r\n\r\nTed (06:44):\r\n\r\nWhen someone's emotional, they're functioning out of the emotional part of their brain. The logical part of their brain has gone offline, so you're not knocking on a door; and it\u2019s closed. You're trying to resonate with them. A lot of times when people are emotional, they're not very logical. They talk in extremes, or they talk in: \u201cThis is never going to get better.\u201d What we want to do is we want to rescue them by helping them to see more logical. \r\n\r\nBut the craziest thing\u2014and this happened throughout the research, where I\u2019d just have these moments, where, \u201cYou've got to be kidding me,\u201d\u2014the thing that brings people to the logical part of their brain is not logic; it's empathy. When you're sitting across from someone, who's empathetic, they look at you; they just acknowledge, \u201cWell, I can tell you're really frustrated with the kids right now.\u201d That's what cools the emotional part of their brain and brings them to the logic part; it's empathy. \r\n\r\n(07:38) Jesus was so good at this; oh, He was so good at this. We all learned the verse: \u201cJesus wept.\u201d But when you think about Jesus making that decision\u2014if I'm Jesus, and I'm coming to a situation, where I'm about to raise the person from the dead, who all these people are crying about. I walk in four days late; they're all weeping, gnashing of teeth, going, \u201cWhere were You?\u201d\u2014I'd be like, \u201cHey, not another tear; I'm about to fix this in grand fashion.\u201d And what does He do? He cries with them; He weeps with them; it says: \u201cJesus wept.\u201d \r\n\r\nWhat a model in those moments\u2014\u201cJust be with me,\u201d \u201cJust be with me,\u201d\u2014that's all Nancy was wanting for me in those moments when she's talking about a coworker [problem]: \u201cThat\u2019s really frustrating.\u201d \r\n\r\nThis guy was taking me to the airport after I had talked about this whole thing of empathy. One of the things I'll say is: empathy is not about seeing things from our point of view. It's about seeing things from our spouse's point of view.\u201d\r\n\r\nAnn (08:32):\r\n\r\nThat's good.\r\n\r\nTed (08:33):\r\n\r\nOne of the phrases we tell couples, all the time, to use is: \u201cIf I were you, I'd feel the same way,\u201d \u201cIf I were you, I'd feel the same way.\u201d I'm sharing this on stage. This guy's taking me back to the airport after I'm done. He says, \u201cThat stuff really works!\u201d He said, \u201cEvery year my wife is [in charge] over a conference. She gets stressed out every time, but she does such a great job. I was like, \u2018Honey, there's no need to stress out because you're so good at this; you always crush it. Everybody tells you; they celebrate you afterwards. You need to learn that you are so good at this.\u2019\u201d He said it would frustrate her beyond belief. \r\n\r\nAnd he comes in; and he said, \u201cShe's sitting there in a little roller chair, up by the desk; and says\/he goes, \u2018How are you doing?\u2019 She said, \u2018I'm just so frustrated\u2026\u2019\u2014and goes off.\u201d He says, \u201cWow; you know what? If I were you, I'd feel the same way.\u201d He says, \u201cShe spins around in her little roller chair, and goes, \u2018Thank you so much!\u2019\u201d But just those moments of\u2014and it's so much easier\u2014empathy is so much easier. \r\n\r\nDave (09:28):\r\n\r\nIs empathy something you can develop?\r\n\r\nTed (09:30):\r\n\r\nOh, I was terrible at it!\r\n\r\nAnn (09:32):\r\n\r\nWe are terrible; both of us are terrible at it.\r\n\r\nDave (09:34):\r\n\r\nWell, thanks for sharing that with the world. You're supposed to say, \u201cIf I were you, I'd be terrible at it.\u201d\r\n\r\nTed (09:43):\r\n\r\nYes; \u201cWe were so terrible.\u201d And the other phrase we use now is: \u201cThat's understandable.\u201d\r\n\r\nAnn (09:49):\r\n\r\nThat's a good one.\r\n\r\nTed (09:50):\r\n\r\nBecause a lot of times, I think we'll withhold empathy; because we think we're signing off on an emotion we don't agree with.\r\n\r\nAnn (09:55):\r\n\r\nSee, that's what it is. I was thinking, \u201cWhy don't we?!\u201d \r\n\r\nAnn: We know life is full of challenges, and families today need biblical truth more than ever. Isn't that true?\r\n\r\nDave (10:09):\r\n\r\nThat is true.\r\n\r\nAnn (10:11):\r\n\r\nAs a FamilyLife Partner, your monthly gift helps bring the truth into homes every single day through podcasts, events, and resources.\r\n\r\nDave (10:20):\r\n\r\nSo let's make a lasting difference together. Become a Partner today; just go to FamilyLifeToday.com and click the \u201cDonate\u201d button. \r\n\r\nDave: I spoke at a men's breakfast at this church, locally here in Orlando, and there's 400 to 600 men show up every Wednesday at 6:00 AM. I was asked to come and speak. I'm driving up there, I'm seeing this line of cars. I'm like, \u201cWhat in the world?! Who has all these men show up?\u201d\u2014I asked several of the guys there in tables. It was this powerful meeting. I go, \u201cHow did this ministry develop? Why are so many men here?\u201d And they all go, \u201cThat dude over there,\u201d\u2014who's the leader of the men's ministry of this church\u2014\"he is the most empathetic guy I've ever met. This whole ministry is built on that value: empathy.\u201d I go, \u201cEmpathy?\u2014a men's ministry?\u201d And he's like, \u201cThat guy walks around his place, and you feel loved; you feel seen; you feel heard.\u201d It's just what you said. Can you imagine bringing that into a marriage?\r\n\r\nTed (11:21):\r\n\r\nOh, it just changed our relationship more than anything has in years and years. \u201cThat's understandable\u201d; we just so withhold it. I'd been traveling way too much, and I come in; and the next day, I'm just out of gas. Nancy walks in; she goes, \u201cHow you doing?\u201d I go, \u201cYou know what? I'm really tired. And to be honest, I'm a little depressed.\u201d She goes, \u201cThat's understandable.\u201d \r\n\r\n(11:44) I was like, \u201cThat's all I need to hear.\u201d Because, in that moment, I was so tired; I didn't want to have to do anything. \r\n\r\nWhen we give somebody advice, they feel like: \u201cThis emotion I'm having, not only is it not okay with them, I need to change what I'm doing in this moment.\u201d What do I do in that moment?\u2014had she said, \u201cWell, you should be very excited that you've been traveling, and that you're providing for our family, and you're serving the Lord. You're serving the Lord, Ted. How could you be tired?\u201d But instead, it was just this moment of going, \u201cOh, I don't have to change anything; I don't have to do anything.\u201d \r\n\r\nBut it is the toughest thing in the world for me to do, because I am not wired like that; I am wired to fix: \u201cAll I do is study marriage; I can fix this situation.\u201d There's a great book\u2014it's a few years old\u2014but I'll never forget one of the studies in it. It's called How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It. One of the things he talks about in the book\u2014it's actually co-authors we're talking about\u2014is that when a woman, and sometimes men, are standing in an emotional puddle, what men want to do is yank them out of the puddle with advice. What they want us to do is step in the puddle. \r\n\r\nNow, here's the thing for that, for me, at least: \u201cWhy four wet feet is the answer to two wet feet makes no sense to my brain parts; none.\u201d But it makes sense to my heart; because when I do this, it just blends us. Again, it is just so much more simple than the opposite. You think of the opposite: when someone's needing empathy, and you give them the opposite of that\u2014you\u2019re giving them logic\u2014they\u2019re getting frustrated. Then, that leaks: it leaks onto the rest of today; sometimes, longer. Just say, \u201cI\u2019m so sorry.\u201d\r\n\r\n(13:13) It's true with our kids too. My 17-year-old daughter, when I think about the times that she and I have had interaction that I wasn't proud of myself about, it's just because I lacked empathy. She has so many emotions; I'd be like, \u201cWell, you're running late because you haven't organized. Maybe, that calendar-thing I did this week.\u201d Hey, she's stressed out, because she's forgotten\u2026 \u201cWell, we've talked about the calendar.\u201d Yeah, that's just what she's wanting right now is a calendar talk in the middle of emotion. You guys, I'm on the journey here, friends. It's the constant thing, but it's so fun when you do it right.\r\n\r\nAnn (13:58):\r\n\r\nThis is so convicting to me, because I'm a woman.\r\n\r\nDave (14:01):\r\n\r\nI'm glad it\u2019s convicting to you; not to me at all.\r\n\r\nAnn (14:04):\r\n\r\nI\u2019m a woman, so you'd think I'd be more empathetic. I can be to other people; but generally, especially with our kids, I want to fix them because I hate for them to be in pain. For some reason, I think this little antidote I'm about to share is going to fix everything. They don't need to be fixed. I'm still trying to figure out how to do this. Where did you start?\r\n\r\nTed (14:26):\r\n\r\nWell, I think for us, just having a couple of phrases: \u201cThat's understandable,\u201d and \u201cIf I were you, I'd feel the same way,\u201d\u2014\r\n\r\nAnn: Those are good.\r\n\r\nTed: \u2014or \u201cThat seems really hard.\u201d\r\n\r\nDave (14:34):\r\n\r\nYou got to make sure you tell me what you mean by that. \u201cIf I were you,\u201d could feel condescending; \u201cBecause \u201cI'm me, I wouldn't feel that way. But because you're so\u2014 \r\n\r\nAnn: \u2014\"weak.\u201d \r\n\r\nDave: \u2014\"weak, you're going to feel that way.\u201d You're saying it in a way, where: \u201cIf I was in your shoes\/if I was dealing with what you're dealing with\u2026\u201d\u2014that's what you mean, right?\r\n\r\nTed (14:51):\r\n\r\nAbsolutely. \u201cIf I were having to deal with this, too, I would feel the same way.\u201d\r\n\r\nAnn (14:55):\r\n\r\nI have a friend\u2014we walk all the time\u2014and I'll tell her, \u201cThis is my schedule, and this is what's going on\u2026\u201d Here's all she said, \u201cI would be dead if I were you right now! I don't even know how you're doing this!\u201d I cry when she says that: \u201cThank you for understanding what I feel!\u201d\r\n\r\nDave (15:11):\r\n\r\nAnd I'm over here, saying, \u201cPack another bag. We're going; let's go.\u201d She needs me to be crying with her and adjusting the schedule.\r\n\r\nTed (15:18):\r\n\r\nI think we all understand empathy when we've lost a loved one. The people that walk in and give us the platitudes, like, \u201cGod's got a plan,\u201d and \u201cGod needed an angel,\u201d and \u201cHe always knows what's going on,\u201d \u201cThey wouldn't want you to do \u2018x,\u2019 \u2018y,\u2019 and \u2018z.\u2019\u201d That doesn't work. What we do love in those moments is somebody comes in, and goes, \u201cI am so sorry; I'm hurting with you. I don't know what to do, but I'm going to pray with you.\u201d Those are the people we're drawn to. Just bring that down from that dramatic level. It's still the emotional need that we're needing. \r\n\r\nYou go, \u201cWhen do you start?\u201d I think a lot of people say, \u201cWell, wait a minute; we have wisdom with each other.\u201d No one knows me like Nancy; no one has more wisdom for me than Nancy, and I think she would say the same thing about me for her. It's not that you don't give them advice; it's all about a time and a place. When they're emotional, it's not the time; and it's not the place. It's like a kid who's had a tough baseball game. You pick them up and you start talking; you start giving them coaching tips and tricks\u2014\r\n\r\n(16:18)\u2014and they're heartbroken\u2014what you do is you bring it on the backend. They're about to step out of the car, and you go, \u201cHey bud, listen; here's something I think you could work on today. I think, if you would\u2026\u201d Instead, after every game\u2014someone told us six years ago\u2014\u201cMan, I love watching you play\u201d; that never goes wrong. \r\n\r\nI think it's the same thing\u2014it's like it's okay for us to give our spouses advice and wisdom when they're ready\u2014and even, ask permission. One of the things we'll say is: \u201cIf I had some thoughts about \u2018x,\u2019 \u2018y,\u2019 \u2018z,\u2019 would you want to hear them?\u201d You're asking for permission.\r\n\r\nI think, again, the thing that brings them back to the cooler place, into more logical, is empathy. It's even looking at them and mimicking\u2014not mocking\u2014but mimicking the look on their face. Studies show that that's real soothing to them. We use this little phrase where we'll say: \u201cI see you,\u201d \u201cI get you,\u201d and \u201cI got you..\u201d Our heads are down so much with our phones. There's something so powerful\u2014just when your spouse is talking, especially if their emotional\u2014just put your phone down and look at them. Just look at; and sometimes, that's all empathy requires is: \u201cYou are right here with me,\u201d and \u201cYou are hearing this\u201d: \u201cI see you.\u201d \r\n\r\n\u201cI get you,\u201d is\u2014 it's like you tell them: \u201cHere's your emotion,\u201d and \u201cHere's the topic,\u201d\u2014\"I can tell you're so frustrated about work,\u201d \u201cI can tell that you are so excited about the kids making better grades,\u201d \u201c I can tell you're still grieving the loss of your mom, and you're hurting so bad.\u201d It's just that acknowledgement; again, it's cleaner and it's simpler. Isn't that God's way?\r\n\r\nAnn (17:45):\r\n\r\nYes.\r\n\r\nTed (17:45):\r\n\r\nIt's always easier; and sometimes, it doesn't make sense to us; it's just the way to go. \r\n\r\nThe other thing I got so excited about empathy was: I thought that empathy was just about being with someone during the tough stuff, but it's also being there with them during the fun stuff. It's: \u201cRejoice with those who rejoice; and cry with those who cry.\u201d One study said, \u201cHow you celebrate with your spouse is more predictive of a strong relationship than how you fight.\u201d\r\n\r\nAnn (18:12):\r\n\r\nI thought that was fascinating. \r\n\r\nDave: How great is that?!\r\n\r\nTed (18:15):\r\n\r\nHow many times do we catch ourselves because their emotions don't make sense to us? We don't understand when they get so excited that college football season is starting; and you're like\u2014and while we want is roll our eyes\u2014and instead, going, \u201cLook at them; they're like a little boy; they get so excited about this.\u201d When they smile, smile back. People go, \u201cMarriage is so complicated.\u201d No; when they smile, you smile back. You don't roll your eyes at things that are important to them.\r\n\r\nAnn (18:39):\r\n\r\nOkay, so Ted, here's this mom listening, who has four kids at home that are under ten. Her husband says, \u201cHey, it's football season!\u201d\u2014or it's hunting season or it's golf time\u2014and this mom is thinking, \u201cAnd you're going to be gone all the time.\u201d How do we smile in the midst of that?!\r\n\r\nDave (18:56):\r\n\r\nThis might be personal, Ted; I don\u2019t know.\r\n\r\nTed (18:58):\r\n\r\nYes; well, as someone who married, and has a family of four, I remember those days. \r\n\r\nI think it's when they're in that emotional part of the announcement of: \u201cGuess what season it's in?\u201d\u2014that those are the moments that you celebrate, going, \u201cAnd you love it so much. I love watching your face; you turn into a little kid. You are adorable, doing this.\u201d And then, a little bit later\u2014you're not responding off it\u2014because what you're saying at that point: \u201cThis is an inappropriate celebration,\u201d \u201cThis happy emotion that you have is not okay with me.\u201d \r\n\r\nThe thing about, when we rejoice what somebody's rejoicing, studies show that it amplifies what's going on in their brain, chemically. It amplifies already feel-good emotions. We want our spouse, when they're excited about something, to tell us first.\r\n\r\nAnn (19:47):\r\n\r\nOh, that's good.\r\n\r\nTed (19:48):\r\n\r\nNow, to that mom: I will say it is all about approach\u2014whether that's a husband to his wife\u2014wife, it's just saying: \u201cBaby, I love this,\u201d and \u201cI love that you love this. Can we talk, through, a little bit how we can make this manageable for our family? I like you around and I need you around. Can we talk through that to make it balance?\u201d \r\n\r\nPeople only talk about things when they're frustrated about things; you only talk about the credit card when someone's made a charge that they shouldn't. You only talk about parenting when you think the other one's done it wrong. Couples can talk about\u2014and you guys know this at retreats, right?\u2014they can talk about some really deep things, because they\u2019re not in the middle of a conflict, [when] your brain's in totally the wrong spot. \r\n\r\nSo when they're in that cool spot, talk to them like that. But I think you want to be the one [to] whom your spouse looks. When they get good news, you don't want them to think of anybody else [than] you, going, \u201cOh, they're going to get excited with me,\u201d especially if they don't like it\u201d\r\n\r\n(20:44) My wife is so great with finances. She doesn't shop a lot; but when she does, she takes down the global economy. She walks in the other day with six bags from Old Navy, just stuffed. She goes, \u201cCome with me to the bedroom.\u201d She does what I call \u201csale abrasions,\u201d where she will take each item out, one by one, to reveal.\r\n\r\nHere's what I used to do. Because she would reveal all items and then she would go, \u201cGuess how much!\u201d And I used to go, \u201cI don't know; just tell me.\u201d I finally have learned she wants me to act like I am playing a game show with her. She wants me to celebrate this moment with her. So I lock in, and I guess that number: \u201cI'm thinking $147.\u201d She goes, \u201cNope!\u201d She gets all excited. It's crazy; but I thought, \u201cWhy would I not celebrate that with her?\u201d\r\n\r\nAnn (21:32):\r\n\r\nBecause she's excited!\r\n\r\nTed (21:33):\r\n\r\nShe's excited: \u201cWhy would I take that from her? Why would I be a literal killjoy? Why not just take two minutes and get excited?\u201d She manages our finances so brilliantly. It's just a two-minute thing; and we need to celebrate those things, right? \r\n\r\nI've been mowing the same lawn\u2014I've been mowing since 2006\u2014and I'll go, \u201cCome with me outside!\u201d We go outside; and she will be, \u201cIt looks so amazing!\u201d It's the same lawn, but it's just\u2014people say, \u201cWhat's the big deal? In life, you're talking about Old Navy sales and a freshly-cut lawn,\u201d\u2014but life gets really, really hard. Everybody listening knows that. But when we make these little deposits of celebration, it's so powerful. We need that with each other.\r\n\r\nAnn (22:15):\r\n\r\nI can\u2014now, that our kids are older\u2014I feel like I can celebrate more easily. But I'm thinking of the young mom, who can be resentful of her husband being excited about hunting season. I wish I would've done that when I [could have been] like, \u201cIt's football season!\u201d I wish I would've put on the jersey, and said to the kids, \u201cIt's football season!\u201d Because then, Dave wouldn't have felt like, \u201cOh, I can't celebrate it here; because they're all mad about it.\u201d \r\n\r\nDave (22:39):\r\n\r\nIn many ways, I feel like you did. You were a football mom, a football wife, a chaplain's wife; that's a whole other thing. \r\n\r\nBut what you're saying, Ted, I think it's the gospel: \u201cThe two shall become one.\u201d When you said earlier about the mud puddle\u2014or being in a puddle\u2014I think whenever you're in a puddle, or whenever you're on a mountain, the DNA of the human soul is: \u201cWe don't want to be there alone.\u201d Whether it's the valley, and we're struggling; or when we're celebrating, even if you celebrate alone, it's empty. You want to know: \u201cAre we one?\u201d And when my husband or wife shows up\u2014and like you said, doesn't throw the towel and say, \u201cHey, if you grab, I'll pull you out,\u201d\u2014but walks in the mud puddle; that\u2019s with; that's  two becoming one. I love what you said:\u2014\r\n\r\nAnn (23:24):\r\n\r\nMe, too.\r\n\r\nDave (23:24):\r\n\r\n\u2014\"I see you,\u201d \u201cI get you,\u201d \u201cI got you.\u201d When you said that\u2014even when I read it\u2014I thought, \u201cThat's what Jesus does. That's the gospel: \u2018I see you,\u2019\u2014\r\n\r\nAnn (23:33):\r\n\r\n\u2014coming to earth.\r\n\r\nDave (23:34):\r\n\r\n\u201c\u2019I get you,\u2019 and \u2018I got you; I went to the cross; I've got it.\u2019\u201d\r\n\r\nThat's what we can live out in our marriage. I don't know\u2014when you said that\u2014I was inspired to think, \u201cMan, if my wife, my sons, my daughters-in-law, my grandkids felt like I'm a person that sees them, gets them, got them\u201d; that's Us in Mind.\r\n\r\nAnn (23:54):\r\n\r\nI'm going to call our kids and apologize tonight. \r\n\r\nDave (24:02):\r\n\r\nOkay; you just love having Ted Lowe on here; don\u2019t you?\r\n\r\nAnn (24:05):\r\n\r\nI totally do. I think what he's talking about is fascinating; and I think people will really like his book, too.\r\n\r\nDave (24:11):\r\n\r\nYeah, we're going to have him back tomorrow as well; so come back tomorrow with us. But if you want to get his book, it's called Us in Mind: How Changing Your Thoughts Can Change Your Marriage. You can find it at FamilyLifeToday.com; just click the link in the show notes.\r\n\r\nAnn (24:24):\r\n\r\nAs we're talking about this, you may be wondering if we have anything else or any other ways we can help you. You can go to FamilyLife.com\/MarriageHelp, and we have some of our best resources there for you; and it's free that you can get some answers.\r\n\r\nDave (24:47):\r\n\r\nFamilyLife Today is a donor-supported production of FamilyLife\u00ae, a Cru\u00ae Ministry. \r\n\r\nHelping you pursue the relationships that matter most.\r\n\r\nIf you\u2019ve benefited from the FamilyLife Today transcripts, would you consider donating today to help defray the costs of producing them and making them available online?\r\n\r\nCopyright \u00a9 2026 FamilyLife. All rights reserved.\r\n\r\nwww.FamilyLife.com\n","theme_header_position":"","post_header_is_sticky":"","is_header_overlay":""},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast\/317487","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/podcast"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/47000"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=317487"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/312569"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=317487"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=317487"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=317487"},{"taxonomy":"podcast_series","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast_series?post=317487"},{"taxonomy":"cwp_profile","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/cwp_profile?post=317487"},{"taxonomy":"series","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/series?post=317487"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}