{"id":317206,"date":"2025-08-26T04:41:23","date_gmt":"2025-08-26T08:41:23","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/%series%\/how-to-find-gods-grace-when-youre-beyond-overwhelmed-abbie-halberstadt\/"},"modified":"2025-08-26T04:41:24","modified_gmt":"2025-08-26T08:41:24","slug":"how-to-find-gods-grace-when-youre-beyond-overwhelmed-abbie-halberstadt","status":"publish","type":"podcast","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/how-to-find-gods-grace-when-youre-beyond-overwhelmed-abbie-halberstadt\/","title":{"rendered":"How to Find God&#8217;s Grace When You&#8217;re Beyond Overwhelmed &#8211; Abbie Halberstadt"},"content":{"rendered":"<p>What if the hardest parts of parenting were actually opportunities for growth? On this inspiring episode of FamilyLife Today, Dave and Ann Wilson sit down with Abbie Halberstadt, author of Hard Is Not the Same Thing as Bad. Through candid stories &#8211; from the overwhelming joy and challenges of parenting twins with sensory issues to societal assumptions &#8211; Abby unpacks her powerful philosophy: difficulty in life isn&#8217;t negative, but an opportunity for growth and sanctification.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>What if the hardest parts of parenting were actually opportunities for growth? On this inspiring episode of FamilyLife Today, Dave and Ann Wilson sit down with Abbie Halberstadt to unpacks her powerful philosophy: difficulty in life isn&#8217;t negative, but an opportunity for growth and sanctification.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":47000,"featured_media":312569,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"","_seopress_robots_index":"","inline_featured_image":false,"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","episode_type":"","audio_file":"https:\/\/traffic.omny.fm\/d\/clips\/cbd16f10-ac60-4f09-b4df-b15400ce35aa\/33aaac7e-3581-4e21-a3df-b154011ba58c\/9c3bdff9-a695-4db1-9553-b32501553bbb\/audio.mp3","podmotor_file_id":"","podmotor_episode_id":"","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"01:29:09","filesize":"81.66M","filesize_raw":"","date_recorded":"","explicit":"","block":""},"categories":[2090],"tags":[],"podcast_series":[],"cwp_profile":[11205],"series":[2101],"class_list":["post-317206","podcast","type-podcast","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-special-needs-child","cwp_profile-abbie-halberstadt","series-familylife-today"],"acf":[],"episode_featured_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2025\/02\/image_bbee74.jpg?w=1024","episode_player_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2023\/02\/image-scaled.jpg","download_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-download\/317206\/how-to-find-gods-grace-when-youre-beyond-overwhelmed-abbie-halberstadt","player_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-player\/317206\/how-to-find-gods-grace-when-youre-beyond-overwhelmed-abbie-halberstadt","audio_player":null,"episode_data":{"playerMode":"light","subscribeUrls":{"apple_podcasts":{"key":"apple_podcasts","url":"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303?mt=2&app=podcast","label":"Apple Podcasts","class":"apple_podcasts","icon":"apple-podcasts.png"},"google_podcasts":{"key":"google_podcasts","url":"","label":"Google Podcasts","class":"google_podcasts","icon":"google-podcasts.png"},"spotify":{"key":"spotify","url":"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm","label":"Spotify","class":"spotify","icon":"spotify.png"},"youtube":{"key":"youtube","url":"","label":"YouTube","class":"youtube","icon":"youtube.png"}},"rssFeedUrl":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/feed\/podcast\/familylife-today","embedCode":"<blockquote class=\"wp-embedded-content\" data-secret=\"QP581fHUpJ\"><a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/how-to-find-gods-grace-when-youre-beyond-overwhelmed-abbie-halberstadt\/\">How to Find God&#8217;s Grace When You&#8217;re Beyond Overwhelmed &#8211; Abbie Halberstadt<\/a><\/blockquote><iframe sandbox=\"allow-scripts\" security=\"restricted\" src=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/how-to-find-gods-grace-when-youre-beyond-overwhelmed-abbie-halberstadt\/embed\/#?secret=QP581fHUpJ\" width=\"500\" height=\"350\" title=\"&#8220;How to Find God&#8217;s Grace When You&#8217;re Beyond Overwhelmed &#8211; Abbie Halberstadt&#8221; &#8212; FamilyLife\u00ae - A Cru Ministry\" data-secret=\"QP581fHUpJ\" frameborder=\"0\" marginwidth=\"0\" marginheight=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\" class=\"wp-embedded-content\"><\/iframe><script>\n\/*! This file is auto-generated *\/\n!function(d,l){\"use strict\";l.querySelector&&d.addEventListener&&\"undefined\"!=typeof URL&&(d.wp=d.wp||{},d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage||(d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage=function(e){var t=e.data;if((t||t.secret||t.message||t.value)&&!\/[^a-zA-Z0-9]\/.test(t.secret)){for(var s,r,n,a=l.querySelectorAll('iframe[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),o=l.querySelectorAll('blockquote[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),c=new RegExp(\"^https?:$\",\"i\"),i=0;i<o.length;i++)o[i].style.display=\"none\";for(i=0;i<a.length;i++)s=a[i],e.source===s.contentWindow&&(s.removeAttribute(\"style\"),\"height\"===t.message?(1e3<(r=parseInt(t.value,10))?r=1e3:~~r<200&&(r=200),s.height=r):\"link\"===t.message&&(r=new URL(s.getAttribute(\"src\")),n=new URL(t.value),c.test(n.protocol))&&n.host===r.host&&l.activeElement===s&&(d.top.location.href=t.value))}},d.addEventListener(\"message\",d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage,!1),l.addEventListener(\"DOMContentLoaded\",function(){for(var e,t,s=l.querySelectorAll(\"iframe.wp-embedded-content\"),r=0;r<s.length;r++)(t=(e=s[r]).getAttribute(\"data-secret\"))||(t=Math.random().toString(36).substring(2,12),e.src+=\"#?secret=\"+t,e.setAttribute(\"data-secret\",t)),e.contentWindow.postMessage({message:\"ready\",secret:t},\"*\")},!1)))}(window,document);\n\/\/# sourceURL=https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-includes\/js\/wp-embed.min.js\n<\/script>\n"},"spectra_custom_meta":{"secondline_imported_guid":["9c3bdff9-a695-4db1-9553-b32501553bbb"],"audio_file":["https:\/\/traffic.omny.fm\/d\/clips\/cbd16f10-ac60-4f09-b4df-b15400ce35aa\/33aaac7e-3581-4e21-a3df-b154011ba58c\/9c3bdff9-a695-4db1-9553-b32501553bbb\/audio.mp3"],"duration":["01:29:09"],"filesize":["81.66M"],"_thumbnail_id":["312569"],"show_notes":["\n<ul>\n<li><a href=\"https:\/\/misformama.net\/\">Learn more about Abbie on her website<\/a><\/li>\n<li><a href=\"https:\/\/misformama.net\/hard-is-not-the-same-thing-as-bad\">Read Abby\u2019s book, Hard Is Not the Same Thing as Bad, to dive into tools for sanctifying hardship<\/a><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<hr>\n<ul>\n<li>Find resources from this podcast at <a href=\"https:\/\/shop.familylife.com\/product-category\/radio-resources\/\">shop.familylife.com<\/a>.<\/li>\n<li><a href=\"https:\/\/shop.familylife.com\/product-category\/past-radio-resources\/\">See resources from our past podcasts.<\/a><\/li>\n<li>Find more content and resources on the <a href=\"https:\/\/www.familylife.com\/app\/\">FamilyLife's app<\/a>!<\/li>\n<li>Help others find FamilyLife. Leave a review on <a href=\"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303\">Apple Podcast<\/a> or <a href=\"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm?si=d6dfa8d2415f4750\">Spotify<\/a>.<\/li>\n<li>Check out all the FamilyLife's podcasts on the <a href=\"https:\/\/www.familylife.com\/familylife-podcast-network\/\">FamilyLife Podcast Network<\/a><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n\n"],"transcript_url":["https:\/\/transcript.familylife.com\/fl2025-08-26.pdf"],"transcript_content":["\nFamilyLife Today\u00ae with Dave and Ann Wilson; Podcast Transcript\r\n\r\nThis content has been generated by an artificial intelligence language model. While we strive for accuracy and quality, please note that the information provided will most likely not be entirely error-free or up-to-date. We recommend independently verifying the content with the originally-released audio. This transcript is provided for your personal use and general information purposes only. References to conferences, resources, or other special promotions may be obsolete. We do not assume any responsibility or liability for the use or interpretation of this content.\r\n\r\nHow to Find God\u2019s Grace When You\u2019re Beyond Overwhelmed\r\n\r\nGuest: Abbie Halberstadt\r\n\r\nRelease Date: August 26, 2025\r\n\r\nDave (00:00:00):\r\n\r\nHow do you make this shift?\u2014the perspective shift from this is hard, but it's not bad.\r\n\r\nAbbie (00:00:04):\r\n\r\nThere are people who don't have Jesus\u2014they have some self-discipline; they have systems in place; they can get outside help; they get organized\u2014and then, you can function. But the joy comes from the Holy Spirit; it is a fruit of the Spirit. You can't do it without God's Word and His Holy Spirit.\r\n\r\nAnn (00:00:25):\r\n\r\nI don't know whether to stand up and cheer or to bow down for our guest today. Let me just give you a little bit: \u201cCan you imagine having ten children, homeschooling, and two sets of twins?\u201d Right there, just that!\r\n\r\nDave (00:00:40):\r\n\r\nNo; no.\r\n\r\nAnn (00:00:41):\r\n\r\nAbbie, I've already put you on a pedestal: \u201cWhat in the world?\u201d You're writing books too; there's just so many things. \r\n\r\nDave (00:00:49):\r\n\r\nGo ahead: fitness instructor\u2014you didn't even finish that.\r\n\r\nAnn (00:00:51):\r\n\r\nYes, a fitness instructor.\r\n\r\nDave (00:00:52):\r\n\r\nAnd we just found out a pickleball\u20144.0\/4.5 maybe\u2014I don't know.\r\n\r\nAbbie (00:00:58):\r\n\r\nNot 4.5 yet; that's the goal. \r\n\r\nDave: That's the goal?\r\n\r\nAbbie: Yeah, 4.1. We're getting there.\r\n\r\nAnn (00:01:04):\r\n\r\nWe have Abbie Halberstadt with us today. She's written this great book: Hard Is Not the Same Thing as Bad. The title is intriguing. \r\n\r\nAbbie, Dave and I are just going to sit here; we're going to put you on this pedestal.\r\n\r\nAbbie (00:01:23):\r\n\r\nI always sweat when I'm on podcasts. What a great way to start, Abbie; let's tell people about your perspiration. My body just releases the hounds\u2014no matter how not-nervous I am; I'm not nervous right now\u2014but it's just like a physiological response. \r\n\r\nAnn: I do the same! \r\n\r\nAbbie: The thought of you putting me on a pedestal: \u201cThis is so uncomfortable!\u201d \r\n\r\nAnn (00:01:44):\r\n\r\nYes, I'm sure it was; I couldn't help myself\u2014anybody who has a set of twins\u2014but you have two sets of twins.\r\n\r\nAbbie (00:01:47):\r\n\r\nI do. And let me just tell you: I did not think I wanted them. Our history with fertility is that my mom, who is\u2014I mean, put her on a pedestal; she's the one; she\u2019s amazing\u2014she has two whole children. People always assume I come from a big family. I don\u2019t; I have one older brother, who's four years older than I am. My mom would've happily welcomed any children that the Lord had for her. His answer was two children and a lot of miscarriages. \r\n\r\nI think that that is a conversation that needs to be had; because people\u2014when they talk about openness to the Lord's sovereignty, especially in the area of fertility\u2014assume that they're probably going to have 20 kids. But what if the answer is the exact opposite?\r\n\r\nAnn: \u201cTwo.\u201d\r\n\r\nAbbie: You are happy to have as many as the Lord gives you and the Lord says, \u201cThe number is two.\u201d\r\n\r\nIt's interesting: when people make these assumptions\u2014because if you have ten kids, it must be because you were gunning for some sort of record, right?\u2014well, I didn't have any point of reference for this.\r\n\r\nAnn (00:02:50):\r\n\r\nYou didn't start your married life, thinking, \u201cI'm going to have ten kids.\u201d\r\n\r\nAbbie (00:02:54):\r\n\r\nNo, I don't think most people do. If anybody does, that's a pretty foreign concept. I will say that on my second date with my husband\u2014I had been engaged before; and one of the sore points was birth control, and fertility, and things like that. It's not why we broke up; but it was\u2014\r\n\r\nAnn: It was a thing, \r\n\r\nAbbie: \u2014a struggle. I remember, on my second date with my husband, I literally told him: \u201cI\u2019m not going to be using chemical birth control. It's not good for my body; I don't want to do it.\u201d\r\n\r\nI think that\u2014when Proverbs 3:5-6 talks about: \u201cSubmitting all your ways to the Lord; trust the Lord with all your heart and lean on your own understanding, and in all your ways acknowledge Him and He will [make] your path straight,\u201d\u2014I think that's even more important. \u201cHe will make your path straight,\u201d\u2014that includes fertility. A lot of people kind of section that out because it's so life-altering. You have so much commitment and responsibility when you have this little life come into your life.\r\n\r\nAnn (00:03:49):\r\n\r\nYour whole life changes.\r\n\r\nAbbie (00:03:49):\r\n\r\nIt changes everything; exactly. \r\n\r\nI dropped the bomb: \u201cI'm not the least bit interested in altering my hormones, and that could mean six whole kids.\u201d \r\n\r\nAnn: That what you were thinking.\r\n\r\nAbbie: When we talk about not expecting to have ten kids, that was the max my brain could even fathom. I think that was\u2014 \r\n\r\nDave (00:04:09):\r\n\r\n\u2014double digits.\r\n\r\nAbbie (00:04:09):\r\n\r\n\u2014about the largest family that I knew.\r\n\r\nDave (00:04:12):\r\n\r\nI'm still back: you did this on the second date?\r\n\r\nAbbie (00:04:14):\r\n\r\nYes. \r\n\r\nDave: What was happening?\r\n\r\nAnn: \u2014which was smart!\u2014super smart. \r\n\r\nDave: Did you think: \u201cWow; this could go somewhere. I better start\u2014\r\n\r\nAbbie: \u2014100 percent.\r\n\r\nDave: Really? \r\n\r\nAbbie: My husband was not a Christian when I first met him. If you had told me that I was going to even consider dating\u2014or much less, marry a man who had not been a believer for a significant amount of time, was steeped in God's Word\u2014because I distinctly remember the moment, at five years old, when I was listening to Bullfrogs and Butterflies with my best friend, Rhonda. There was a song that came on about heaven and accepting Jesus into your heart\u2014those colloquialisms we use, as children, declaring the Lord Jesus Lord of your life, and recognizing that you're a sinner\u2014I remember all these things. \r\n\r\nDave: \u2014at five?\r\n\r\nAbbie: Yes, very distinctly; it is probably the most distinct memory of my childhood.\r\n\r\nDave (00:05:02):\r\n\r\nReally?\r\n\r\nAbbie (00:05:02):\r\n\r\nThat is the moment that I gave my life to the Lord. To meet a man who wasn't even a Christian yet, and to even consider dating him, was not something I would've ever expected or thought was even possible. We knew each other\u2014we played sports together, both really athletic\u2014I beat him in ping pong a couple times. \r\n\r\nAnn: Oh, yeah, you did.\r\n\r\nAbbie (00:05:26):\r\n\r\nSo we had this rivalry going; but very friendly and flirty, of course. \r\n\r\nI was the coordinator for our 20-somethings group at church. I would send out these emails. Because I love words, they were never just like: \u201cWe're meeting at the Mexican restaurant on Friday night,\u201d\u2014it was like puns, and riddles, and goofy\u2014I was such a nerd. He loved it, because he is a software developer by trade. He's also built two houses, with his own hands, for us. He also won lit crit [literary criticism] in high school at UIL and was valedictorian at his school, which was 14 whole people. But still, he was the best of the 14 people, academically. He's just a Renaissance man; I was really drawn to that. \r\n\r\nYes, as of the second date, neither one of us were flitty types; we knew this could go somewhere. I needed him to be either scared or aware of what he was getting into.\r\n\r\nDave (00:06:19):\r\n\r\nSo how did he come to Christ? Did you lead him to Christ?\r\n\r\nAbbie (00:06:22):\r\n\r\nNo; although, I would love to think that just by having strong convictions, and his being attracted to that, that he was, at least, kind of geared more that direction. No, we all have some level of common grace; obviously, not all are saved, of course. And that is the tragic reality of the separation from Christ; that is, sin without repentance. \r\n\r\nI feel like some of us, in some ways, have more common grace than others. My husband was full of integrity; he was kind; he was hardworking.\r\n\r\nAnn (00:06:59):\r\n\r\nSounds like a good man.\r\n\r\nAbbie (00:07:00):\r\n\r\nYes; but, of course, \u201cThere is no one righteous, not even one.\u201d\r\n\r\nAnn: Exactly. \r\n\r\nAbbie: He wasn't righteous, but he was what the world would call \u201cgood,\u201d\u2014to the point that he had had girlfriends in college who had wanted to stay over. One did literally stay the night, because she had car trouble. He rolled up a comforter in the bed between them.\r\n\r\nAnn: \u2014which is so unusual\r\n\r\nAbbie: Right! Because he had this conviction that he would be cheating on his future spouse if he had sex with someone before marriage.\r\n\r\nAnn (00:07:27):\r\n\r\nFor an unbeliever, that's kind of crazy.\r\n\r\nAbbie (00:07:29):\r\n\r\nIt is kind of crazy. And so I feel like even though we are all depraved and the heart of man is desperately wicked, we know that very clearly from Scripture that the Lord was kind to give Shaun insight. His mom had taken him to church: he had some knowledge of Christianity; he had a little bit of biblical exposure. \r\n\r\nUltimately, how he described it was that he had all of the knowledge without the enlightening of the Holy Spirit.It wasn't this huge leap; it was like: \u201cHere's the reason.\u201d He was a deist: he believed that there was a God, who had designed everything; but then, He had just stepped back and wasn't interacting with mankind. When he came to the realization, because the Lord drew his heart to Him\u2014that: \u201cNo, I'm a deeply personal God who loves you and who chose you before the foundations of the world were laid.\u201d It's just like all of it clicked into place and made sense. The leaps that he made\u2014in terms of conviction, and maturity, and growth\u2014were just incredible from very, very quickly.\r\n\r\nAnn (00:08:31):\r\n\r\nThat's really cool.\r\n\r\nAbbie (00:08:32):\r\n\r\nYeah.\r\n\r\nAnn (00:08:33):\r\n\r\nI love that you stated: \u201cThis is what's important to me in a marriage\u201d; because I think that, when we're dating, we try to please the other person so much that we bend and we contour to whatever they want. We're so desperate for the relationship. It shows your desperateness for Jesus and to have a marriage that's reflective of that.\r\n\r\nAbbie (00:08:53):\r\n\r\nI feel like the Lord had already prepared my heart. Because I can be a people pleaser, I do not bend on things of conviction; the Lord has given me that; I just won't. That's no credit to me; I think He's gifted me the personality for that. But when it comes to those things, where you just want people to like you, and it's not necessarily a moral kind of thing, I will definitely change my personality or whatever; I can tend to do that. I think we all can. But because I had that previous relationship\u2014which: \u201cThe Lord works all things together for good, for those who love Him and are called according to His purpose,\u201d\u2014even though that was really hard at the time, and one of the hardest years of my life up to that point, I really felt like it had given me this rock solid: \u201cThis matters so much to me and I want this to be.\u201d \r\n\r\nI think that every Christian should go to the Lord with every aspect of their lives, including their fertility, instead of defaulting to some sort of cultural standard, where it's like our marriage counselors\u2014we were required to do marriage counseling with our church; they were very sweet people, and they gave us lots of good advice\u2014but one thing we found really interesting; we just smiled and tried not to look at each other\u2014this was that one of their biggest piece of advices was: \u201cDon't have children too soon.\u201d \r\n\r\nI don't know who gets to decide that, especially when we're talking about the Lord being the opener and closer of the womb and the One who gives and takes life. We got in the car; we just kind of looked at each other: \u201cWe are going to disappoint them, so hardcore, if the Lord wills,\u201d kind of thing. \r\n\r\nBack to the twin thing\u2014you said\u2014oh, just one sec\u2014\r\n\r\nAnn (00:10:34):\r\n\r\nWait, wait, wait. How soon did you have your first baby?\r\n\r\nAbbie (00:10:35):\r\n\r\nOne week before our first anniversary.\r\n\r\nAnn (00:10:38):\r\n\r\nOkay.\r\n\r\nAbbie (00:10:39):\r\n\r\nI will say that we thought God's timing was incredible; because we're doing nothing to prevent, and we don't get pregnant for three months. Turns out I'm Fertile Myrtle, so that was kind of a miracle. I was teaching high school Spanish\u2014I graduated at 19\u2014and started teaching high school Spanish at 19, teaching kids who were my age. I was teaching seniors.\r\n\r\nDave (00:11:01):\r\n\r\nWhat do you mean you graduated at 19?\r\n\r\nAbbie (00:11:02):\r\n\r\nI was homeschooled. My mom, when I was 14\/15 years old, said, basically\u2014because my older brother had also done this; my dad got an associate's degree at a community college\u2014my older brother was 14; and she was like, \u201cYou can go get a lot of your basics out of the way. Just go with your dad.\u201d As long as you have scores to get into the college, I think\u2014I don't remember the cutoff age, but it's something like 13 or 14\u2014my brother had done it. My mom has her master's degree in English\u2014she's very academic; she's taught at the collegiate level\u2014she knows all the things. She homeschooled my brother and me. \r\n\r\nShe told me, at 14 or 15: \u201cYou can either do your last two years of high school; and then, basically repeat them in college.\u201d There wasn't nearly as much dual credit or CLEP-ing options. I'm not going to say how many years ago\u2014I don't care if anybody knows; I'm like, \u201cWhat's the math on that?\u201d\u201425 years ago as there are now. She said, \u201cYou can redo it, or you can just jump into college.\u201d I was like, \u201cI'll do that. I'm not doing anything twice that I won't have to do.\u201d I started at 15; finished at 19 and started teaching high school Spanish. \r\n\r\nAt 22, I was in my third or fourth year of teaching; I think fourth year of teaching. I ended up announcing the pregnancy, way into it. I'm sure people were like, \u201cShe's looking a little thick\u201d; but I didn't say anything until 20 weeks. You can get away with that with your first baby. I remember the guidance counselor, who is a kind, godly woman who goes to our church now\u2014she probably has no memory of saying this whatsoever\u2014saying, when we announced the pregnancy: \u201cOops, accidents happen.\u201dShe assumed, because our culture tells us this is the right way to do it\u2014because we had marriage counselors, who said, \u201cDon't have kids too soon; it'll ruin your marriage,\u201d\u2014that we couldn't possibly have meant to or been open to having children so early in our marriage. I remember my mouth falling open\u2014the people-pleasing thing\u2014I didn't say anything back to her. I just laughed awkwardly, because I didn't know what to say. I think I was 23 by that point. \r\n\r\nSo here I am, thinking the Lord's timing is amazing; because I'm not due until the last week after finals. I'm like, \u201cLook at that: I'll have the whole summer if I want to come back.\u201d I did a couple more years, part-time, until I quit to stay home with my kiddos. So just the different perspective: \u201cYou worked that out; great!\u201d I didn't have to leave in the middle of the year; I didn't inconvenience anybody. And sure enough, I had him one week after my last final\u2014 \r\n\r\nAnn: That's amazing. \r\n\r\nAbbie: \u2014and one week before our first anniversary.\r\n\r\nDave (00:13:39):\r\n\r\nDid it ruin your marriage?\r\n\r\nAbbie (00:13:41):\r\n\r\nNo; it did not, in fact, ruin our marriage.\r\n\r\nAnn (00:13:41):\r\n\r\nI think the reason I could tease you when I first met you is because\u2014\r\n\r\nDave (00:13:48):\r\n\r\nShe does that to every guest; she just bows down.\r\n\r\nAbbie: I don\u2019t think this one has a reason.\r\n\r\nAnn (00:13:51):\r\n\r\nI don't think I've ever done that, actually.\r\n\r\nDave (00:13:53):\r\n\r\nI don't think she's ever done it.\r\n\r\nAnn (00:13:54):\r\n\r\nThe reason I could do it is because you're incredibly real and honest in your book. You can tell that by the title: Hard Is Not the Same Thing as Bad. You're saying it's: \u201cRaising kids can be hard.\u201d\r\n\r\nAbbie: Oh, 100 percent. \r\n\r\nAnn: You have ten of them; and you don't shy away from saying, \u201cYes, it's hard. Yeah, it is.\u201d That's the thing that I've appreciated that you haven't put yourself on the pedestal.\r\n\r\nAbbie (00:14:18):\r\n\r\nIf I ever put myself on a pedestal, I pray God knocks me off right away. \r\n\r\nAnn: Exactly. \r\n\r\nAbbie: I think the audacity to say, \u201cFollow me,\u201d\u2014rather than\u2014\u201cFollow Christ,\u201d\u2014\u201cPlease, never Lord.\u201d One of my best friends, and mentor, Jennifer Flanders has 12 children; that's not why we're best friends. We have completely different personalities. There isn\u2019t some large-family moms Unite Club. \r\n\r\nDave: You\u2019ve got a competition going on here.\r\n\r\nAbbie (00:14:45):\r\n\r\nNo.\r\n\r\nDave: You going for three more? \r\n\r\nAbbie: No, she is 17 years my senior; and her three youngest are the same age as my three oldest. She is just such a wonderful source of wisdom. She's the de facto editor of all my books; she gets first shot at all of them and is such a good sounding board. She says: \u201cI pray this prayer every day: \u2018Lord, take me home before You ever let me betray You or blaspheme Your name, even unintentionally, in any way.\u2019\u201d It's a scary prayer; literally, \u201cTake me out.\u201d\r\n\r\nAnn (00:15:19):\r\n\r\n\u2014\"rather than disgrace Your name.\u201d \r\n\r\nAbbie (00:15:21):\r\n\r\nYeah; or \u201c\u2026make it about me.\u201d\r\n\r\nAnn (00:15:22):\r\n\r\nYes. We're living in a culture that really easy to make it about us. You're not; you're putting all the glory and all the attention onto Jesus. \r\n\r\nDave: Well, there's definitely a\u2014\r\n\r\nAnn: You could, at least\u2014I'm thinking, \u201cTen kids: is she going to be frumpy?\u201d \r\n\r\nAbbie: Oh, come on; can we get rid of this stereotype? \r\n\r\nAnn: Well, every woman who\u2019s had five, you're like, \u201cWell, it does change things.\u201d You're gorgeous, but you're incredibly humble too; so it's really fun.\r\n\r\nDave (00:15:50):\r\n\r\nIn some ways\u2014you do, in some ways, think that could be happening\u2014you don't have time for yourself.\r\n\r\nAbbie (00:15:54):\r\n\r\nYeah; that can happen, for sure. I think that we make time for what's important to us. If you were to walk into my home at 8:00 am on a homeschool morning, you would think I was incredibly frumpy. I'm okay with that. Obviously, I'm going to put on some makeup, and a cute outfit to come to something like this. But on any given day, I am wearing workout clothes all day, with zero makeup; and frizzy hair.\r\n\r\nAnn (00:16:20):\r\n\r\n\u2014of course. But I love\u2014I think that we, as women\u2014when we're in this together; and we can hear somebody who\u2019s homeschooling, who\u2019s raising kids, who\u2019s writing books, you're like, \u201cMan, she's learned a few things. I want to hear what you have to say.\u201d\r\n\r\nAbbie (00:16:33):\r\n\r\nI think that that is true. I think that we need to keep all the glory and honor to Jesus, but not gatekeep some things that we have picked up, along the way, as a way of false humility. Like one of my least favorite things for seasons moms to say is: \u201cI know less than when I started.\u201d I understand the concept.\r\n\r\n(00:16:56)\r\n\r\nAnn: You know what they mean.\r\n\r\nAbbie: I do know what they mean, but I don't know that everybody else does. I hear from lots of young moms who are like, \u201cWould somebody please step up, and have the confidence and the courage to say, \u2018The Lord has grown me, and here are some really helpful things that are principles. You don't have to do them like I do them; you don't have to apply them the way that I apply them.\u2019\u201d Go with the interest, and the personality, and the strengths as well as addressing the weaknesses that the Lord has given you. Don't try to copy anybody else's particular application of the principles. But my goodness, don't shy away from saying, \u201cThe Lord has grown me in patience and self-discipline,\u201d because how depressing would it be to say, \u201cI've given 20 years of my life to parenting, and I'm worse off than when I started\u201d?\r\n\r\nAnn (00:17:48):\r\n\r\nWe should be different; we should be better\u2014not better in that we have it totally figured out\u2014but better in that: \u201cMan, we've grown; we've learned. God\u2019s changing us.\u201d\r\n\r\nAbbie (00:17:55):\r\n\r\nIt's called sanctification; it\u2019s a process.\r\n\r\nAnn (00:17:57):\r\n\r\nYeah.\r\n\r\nDave (00:17:58):\r\n\r\nYou guys are a lot alike.\r\n\r\nAnn (00:18:01):\r\n\r\nDo you think so?\r\n\r\nDave (00:18:02):\r\n\r\nI feel like I could go in the production booth to just let you two talk: \u201cWhat am I doing here?\u201d \r\n\r\nBut no; even on our first date\u2014her dad was my high school coach; I was a quarterback; her brother's my center\u2014so I knew the family really well. She was the younger sister, like you said earlier, not on the air.\r\n\r\nAnn: \u2014under the bleachers. \r\n\r\nDave: \u2014under the bleachers, catching foul balls. She was the better athlete than all her brothers. Brothers, if you're listening, you know that's true. \r\n\r\nAbbie: I love it. \r\n\r\nDave: You know that's true, and they are all college athletes. \r\n\r\nBut our first date, we\u2019re sitting by the Findlay Reservoir, Findlay, Ohio. We're three years\u2014I'm older, three years\u2014I say to her\u2014I'm going into my senior year in college; she's still a senior in high school\u2014I just said, \u201cSo what do you want to do with your life?\u201d She just looks at me, and she goes, \u201cI'm following Jesus. Whatever He calls me to do, I'm in. He's called me to something. If a guy's going to be a part of it, whatever; but I don't think it has anything to do with a guy. That's where I'm going.\u201d I'm like, \u201cI'm marrying this girl!\u201d It was like, \u201cNobody had ever said,\u201d\u2014like you did on your second date\u2014\u201c\u2019This is a conviction of mine; it's important to me. Whether you like it or not, this is who I am.\u2019\u201d That's appealing to men, and to your kids: that you are a woman who knows who you are, knows who God is, knows what God calls you to do, and you're going to live that out.\r\n\r\nAnn (00:19:26):\r\n\r\nAnd you're not perfect in it, but you have strong convictions because of the Word of God and our relationship with God.\r\n\r\nAbbie (00:19:31):\r\n\r\nYeah. He's the One who gives us this.\r\n\r\nAnn (00:19:33):\r\n\r\nLet me ask you\u2014because with this book, you're getting into all kinds of areas that you've grown in\u2014but let's start because we've already hit that young moms because it can be shocking for a lot of us, as young moms. I remember saying to my dad\u2014because I was in sports my whole life, too\u2014I remember I had a colicky baby, the first one. I remember saying to him, because he asked: \u201cSo how is this? How are you doing?\u201d \u201cDad, I could go out and run a marathon today with no training; and it would be easier than what I'm doing right now at home; I\u2019m so over my head. I do not know what I'm doing, and I'm not getting sleep. I'm not liking Dave, and I'm blaming Dave.\u201d\r\n\r\nWhat about that mom who\u2019s in that right now, where everything feels overwhelming? Because you've been there a lot.\r\n\r\nAbbie: Yeah, 100 percent.\r\n\r\nDave (00:20:25):\r\n\r\nShe thinks your title is: \u201cThis Is Hard, and It's Bad,\u201d\r\n\r\nAbbie (00:20:29):\r\n\r\nOkay, so part of that is human nature. I think we naturally equate something difficult that we're going through, especially when it's unpleasant\u2014\r\n\r\nAnn (00:20:40):\r\n\r\n\u2014as bad.\r\n\r\nAbbie (00:20:40):\r\n\r\nThere are difficult\u2014I love to lift weights\u2014lifting weights is difficult, especially when you get to that point where you're in progressive overload. Your muscles are just screaming at you. I liken it to being screamed at by a colicky baby\u2014nobody likes that\u2014you're not thinking about:\u2014\r\n\r\nAnn: There's no control.\r\n\r\nAbbie: There's no control; you cannot make it stop\u2014which one thing that I always say: \u201cAnd those who have ears to hear, do hear it,\u201d\u2014is if you say you want to be like Christ, and you are a mother, be grateful that you have been given a built-in opportunity to become more like Him instead of looking at it as: \u201cHow do I get through to the easier part of this?\u201d\r\n\r\nAnn (00:21:21):\r\n\r\nAnd that's what we do: \u201cCan't wait until this stage is over.\u201d\r\n\r\nAbbie (00:21:24):\r\n\r\nYes, exactly. There's so much you miss. People are like\u2014well, I guess most people aren't like\u2014\u201cWell, easy for you to say\u201d; because I have done it so many times, I must know, at least, a little bit whereof I speak. \r\n\r\nWhat I say to those women is that: \u201cThere is no Scriptural support for saying that the current struggle that you're in now gets to define anything for you in terms of your relationship to the Lord.\u201d We are called to suffer well; we are told by Jesus that we will experience hardship. Not that we will sort of be inconvenient sometimes; or certainly not that we will be able to manifest all good things for ourselves and end up with only rainbows and butterflies. But instead, He literally tells us: \u201cIn this world, you will have trouble.\u201d That would just be depressing to end there; and instead, He follows it up with, immediately\u2014not: \u201cWallow in it\u201d; \u201cConsider yourself a victim\u201d; or \u201cGrouse to your girlfriends constantly,\u201d\u2014but: \u201cBe of good cheer,\u201d\u2014which feels like such a slap in the face when you're suffering\u2014but it comes directly from our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. We have to, then, keep going; which is, \u201cfor I have overcome the world.\u201d You have to find the practical ways that actually means something to you.\r\n\r\nAnn (00:22:46):\r\n\r\nSomebody's saying right now, \u201cHow do I be of good cheer when I haven't slept? I have a\u2014\r\n\r\nDave (00:22:50):\r\n\r\nWell, your opening chapter\u2014you described it so well\u2014I don't know what her name was, crying in the car seat\u2014crawling out of the car seat.\r\n\r\nAnn (00:22:58):\r\n\r\nThat right there\u2014take us back to that day\u2014because I'm like, \u201cThat is being a mom.\u201d\r\n\r\nAbbie (00:23:03):\r\n\r\nSo to touch on the thing you said about twins\u2014way back, when you're like, \u201cOne set of twins; oh, my goodness, that's enough,\u201d\u2014and here I am, thinking I\u2019m open-handed; but not having a clue what the Lord's going to do. The one little caveat I was pulling aside was: \u201cDo not give me multiples, Lord.\u201d\r\n\r\nAnn: You said that? \r\n\r\nAbbie: Oh, yes; I was like, \u201cLord Jesus, I am 22 years old. Twins sound miserable. That just sounds like: \u2018How would you ever do anything but feed them, and change diapers, and never sleep?\u2019\u201d\u2014which did not\/ I mean, was somewhat my reality; but somewhat, not. Evie and Nola, my first set of twins\u2014because I have two.\r\n\r\nAnn: Two sets of twins; and this isn't because you had any hormones, any kind of artificial\u2014\r\n\r\nAbbie: No; in fact, the Lord has such a great sense of humor. Both of my sets of twins, as far as we know, are identical. That's more unusual than fraternal twins. They are a gift. They do not come from heredity. They do not come from, I mean, I guess something could happen with hormones, but we weren't taking any. It's where you have one baby splits into two. I think it's one in a thousand births or something like that. \r\n\r\nScience has never found any connection between a particular woman and having identical sets of twins, so to have one is pretty random. You're unusual to have two sets who are both identical. The way that\u2014we've never had them genetically tested\u2014but there's only one placenta both times, so your body only prepared for one baby. That's a pretty good scientific indication. It\u2019s very unusual. \r\n\r\nAnd then, we actually had another twin pregnancy right after our first twin pregnancy. We lost my son, Theo's identical twin brother\u2014because there was only one placenta\u2014to something called Vanishing Twin Syndrome, which we would've never known there was another baby. But after having a set of twins\u2014that we didn't find out until 19 weeks\u2014we were like, \u201cWe're having an early sonogram and seeing what's going on in there so we can just be mentally prepared.\u201d The sonographer was able to see a shadow where the baby had been\u2014even measured the shadow\u2014and know that the baby had died three weeks before. I've actually been pregnant with identical twins three separate times; two live births of both of them surviving. \r\n\r\nMy husband did some sort of crazy math, and it was like a one in twenty-seven million chance, according to science. I just really feel like it was the Lord's way of saying, \u201cIf you say I'm in control, you better mean it.\u201d My first set of twins were dream babies; they slept through the night by 11 weeks.\r\n\r\nAnn (00:25:45):\r\n\r\nHow many kids had you already had by that?\r\n\r\nAbbie (00:25:46):\r\n\r\nThey were my numbers four and five. And I distinctly remember lying on my husband's chest that night, in the dark, the day that we found out that it was twins and saying, \u201cFive kids is a lot of kids,\u201d\u2014the reality of that\u2014and my oldest was five.\r\n\r\nAnn (00:26:01):\r\n\r\nCome on! So the oldest kids were five\u2014what?\r\n\r\nAbbie: Five, three, and one.\r\n\r\nDave (00:26:09):\r\n\r\nYou didn't know that you were going to times that by two.\r\n\r\nAbbie (00:26:12):\r\n\r\n\u2014by two. Who knew? And my girls\u2014it was a lot of work\u2014there were a lot of kids and two babies at the same time. But we were making it work; and then, they hit toddlerhood. My one particular girl, who's the younger of them by eight whole minutes, Magnolia Claire\u2014we call her Nola, who is just a force to be reckoned with; she is such a precious girl.\r\n\r\nAnn: \u2014my mom\u2019s name. That\u2019s such a great name.\r\n\r\nAbbie (00:26:36):\r\n\r\nReally; which one?\r\n\r\nAnn (00:26:36):\r\n\r\nIt's Nola. \r\n\r\nAbbie: Oh, I love it; it's so unusual. It's very rare; I love that. \r\n\r\nShe just was\u2014and seeing how deeply she feels things and how she charges through life now in such a productive and cool way, you're like, \u201cOkay, this is where this was going.\u201d But at three\u2014two and three quarters\u2014is when they went off the deep end. My husband was on a wilderness trip with his dad, out of cell phone range. That just was the moment where they started screaming in the car. They had sensory issues\u2014everything just bothered them\u2014everything. I think the older one, Evie, just kind of went along with her sister; but they just tag-teamed it to such an exhausting degree.\r\n\r\nAnn (00:27:19):\r\n\r\nYou're in the car, and they're screaming.\r\n\r\nAbbie (00:27:21):\r\n\r\n\u2014every single time. I was a fitness instructor; and I taught four to five days a week, which was my outlet. \r\n\r\nAnn: Of course, I did that too. \r\n\r\nAbbie: You drive in; you get everybody. \r\n\r\nAnn: It's for your sanity. \r\n\r\nAbbie: It's for your sanity. But also, just getting five\u2014at this point, six kids; because I've had another baby; [the twins are] toddlers now\u2014out the door. Everybody has to have shoes; everybody needs to be clothed and sort of in the right mind enough to walk to the car and buckle the car seats. We would drive down\u2014we had kind of a long driveway\u2014I recruited\u2014I talk about this in the book\u2014I recruited the kids; we would help distract them. I would be almost to the end of the driveway, and I wouldn't hear any spitting noises behind me yet. I'd be like, \u201cLord, maybe today\/maybe today's the day that I don't get screamed at for the next 30 minutes\u201d; everybody else loses a little bit of their hearing. And then, you'd hear this\u2014[huffing sound]\u2014and it would get louder, and louder, and louder! They would both take off.\r\n\r\nAnn (00:28:19):\r\n\r\nOh, my word. What kind of vehicle did you have?\r\n\r\nAbbie (00:28:21):\r\n\r\nAt that time, I was in a Honda Odyssey with every single seat filled; it was so crammed. And then, somewhere in the midst of that, we switched to a 12-passenger van; but we were pretty on top of each other.\r\n\r\nAnn (00:28:34):\r\n\r\nSo who was trying to get out? Didn't you say that they could get out of their car seats?\r\n\r\nAbbie (00:28:37):\r\n\r\nThe situation that I described in the beginning of this book is Nola, on the way home. I had taken just her so that everybody could get a break. She was wonderful, but also just a lot. I'm like, \u201cYou're just coming with me to the gym.\u201d My husband was home; the rest of the kids were home. On the way home, she started getting upset about the buckles. It was a sensory thing to a very great extent, but you can't do anything about it because they have to be in a car seat. She contortions herself out of this seat; I don't even know how. I pulled over five times; re-buckled it.\r\n\r\nAnn (00:29:11):\r\n\r\nNo, you didn\u2019t.\r\n\r\nAbbie (00:29:12):\r\n\r\nCinched it down to where she ended up having marks on her neck; she was writhing around so hard. I had to get it tighter than norma.\r\n\r\nAnn: \u2014to be safe. \r\n\r\nAbbie: I was afraid she was going to be out and climbing over the front seat, and she will not calm down. I remember I would just knock my head against the window\u2014just bonk my head against the window\u2014it was almost like a sensory thing for me to be like, \u201cI can't throw things and scream.\u201d\r\n\r\nAnn (00:29:43):\r\n\r\nSo this is what you're talking about when it's hard. And some people would say, \u201cThat sounds bad.\u201d But you're saying, \u201cNo, I\u2019ve learned a lot!\u201d\r\n\r\nAbbie (00:29:51):\r\n\r\nOh, my word; if I had not gone through that with the twin girls, some of the things my future children did would have turned me inside out, just like they did. Instead, I'm like, \u201cWhat you got? There's not two of you,\u201d\u2014until there were again\u2014because my last two, my four year olds are also twins; twin boys.\r\n\r\nAnn (00:30:13):\r\n\r\nYeah. What are the ages?\u2014the age span\u2014your youngest is how old?\r\n\r\nAbbie (00:30:16):\r\n\r\nThey are four-year-old twin boys; and then, it's all the way up to nineteen. I had ten kids in fourteen years.\r\n\r\nDave (00:30:26):\r\n\r\nWow. So how does a mom and a dad\u2014a person\u2014shift? How do you make this shift?\u2014the perspective shift from: \u201cThis is hard, but it's not bad,\u201d or that \u201cI'm losing my mind; and I'm screaming and yelling, and I can't find any joy in this.\u201d\r\n\r\nAnn (00:30:44):\r\n\r\nI still have the head thing\u2014 \r\n\r\nDave: \u2014predicament.\r\n\r\nAnn: \u2014banging against the window [image in my mind]. \r\n\r\n \r\n\r\nAbbie (00:30:46):\r\n\r\nIt helped. I don't know why it helped, but it helped. \r\n\r\nYou can't do it without God's Word and His Holy Spirit.\r\n\r\nDave (00:30:53):\r\n\r\nI agree.\r\n\r\nAbbie (00:30:54):\r\n\r\nI do think that there are people, who don't have Jesus, who can have that common grace thing\u2014they have some self-discipline; they have systems in place; they get outside help; they get organized\u2014and then, you can function. But the joy comes from the Holy Spirit; it is a fruit of the Spirit. \r\n\r\nAnn (00:31:12):\r\n\r\nBut Abbie, how are you doing that? People are like, \u201cWait, you've got all these kids under five. How do you have God and the Holy Spirit? When do you have time for Jesus?\u201d\r\n\r\nDave (00:31:20):\r\n\r\nWhat? Do you think He left the room?\r\n\r\nAnn (00:31:22):\r\n\r\nNo, I know He didn't. But we feel like He's left the room sometimes.\r\n\r\nAbbie (00:31:25):\r\n\r\nWell, we are told to pray without ceasing. I have prayed so many\u2014just talking\u2014my kids walk in on me, just talking to myself. I'm really talking to the Lord while I am doing laundry, while I am wiping bottoms, while I am bathing children. Of course, there's the ongoing conversation.\r\n\r\nBut I also like to teach some of my younger children who have struggled with anger or sensory issues, something I call bullet prayers, where it is just a simple shot to heaven: \u201cJesus, I don't have any patience. Can You please give me some patience right now?\u201d He usually gives you more opportunities to practice when you ask things like that.\r\n\r\nAnn (00:31:59):\r\n\r\nAnd you'll pray that out loud?\r\n\r\nAbbie (00:32:00):\r\n\r\nYeah; it's really good for your kids to see you talking to the Lord, to see you desperate for the Lord rather than just desperate. I always tell moms that there is this misconception about reading our Bibles: that we need to get up at 5:00 am; we need to have color-coordinated pens; we need to have hot coffee; we need to have worship music playing in the background\u2014\r\n\r\nAnn: \u2014special chair\r\n\r\nAbbie: \u2014a special chair, and a special blinky. Listen, if we have to have all those things\u2014and we got to remember where they all are, because the kids scattered them around the house at some point in your special spot\u2014that they're like: \u201c\u2019Special\u2019; so I want to play with it.\u201d If you have to have all those things, you'll never do it; or the baby's not sleeping and 5:00 am is a ridiculous idea. Don't do that to yourself. Read God's Word aloud to your children. Put on songs that have pure Scripture in them in the kitchen while you make breakfast. \r\n\r\nAnn: What are some of those? \r\n\r\nAbbie: Seeds Family Worship is a great option.\r\n\r\nAnn: I was going to say, \u201cSo good.\u201d\r\n\r\nAbbie: Steve Green's\u2014hide God's Word in your heart\u2014or Hide \u2018Em in Your Heart is old school; but it's Scripture.\r\n\r\nAnn (00:33:04):\r\n\r\nEllie Holcomb has some too that are great: Scripture.\r\n\r\nAbbie (00:33:06):\r\n\r\nShane &amp;amp; Shane does a whole lot of Scripture. Find those good theologically-sound, Scripture-based resources that don't require more effort from you. Say, \u201cAlexa, play Shane &amp;amp; Shane,\u201d\u2014instead of\u2014\"Alexa, play Baby Shark,\u201d for the 456th time. It takes a little bit of intentionality or memorizing God's Word with your kids. I know people who do motions and songs, and that's amazing; and I love it. \r\n\r\nI don't\u2014\r\n\r\nI say, \u201cOkay, do everything without complaining or arguing,\u201d\u2014\u201cNow, you guys say, \u2018Do everything without complaining or arguing.\u2019\u201d \r\n\r\n[Adult voice] \u201cGive thanks in all circumstances,\u201d\u2014[Child\u2019s voice] \u201cGive thanks in all circumstances.\u201d \r\n\r\n[Adult voice] \u201cfor this is the will of God for you in Christ Jesus,\u201d\u2014[Child\u2019s voice] \u201cfor this is the will\u2026\u201d We just keep repeating it until we've got it. We've memorized whole chapters together that way. \r\n\r\nMy mom did the same for us. I think we overthink things, and we also think that certain things don't count.\r\n\r\nAnn (00:34:00):\r\n\r\n\u2014and they have to look a certain way.\r\n\r\nAbbie (00:34:01):\r\n\r\n\u2014and they have to look a certain way. \r\n\r\nBut our family Bible reading, which my husband leads now, looks a little bit like a circus sometimes. We have a very open-plan house on purpose; because we want to be able to be all in a big room together. There's a lot of us, so the kitchen bleeds into the living room. I'm in the kitchen, making eggs and making a bunch of noise; and \u201cHey, can you say that again? I didn't hear you!\u201d And then, the little boys are asking me questions; and I'm shushing them. The older kids are half-awake, because they don't want to get up at 7:30 and do Bible reading. They like Bible reading; they actually\/my older children all read their Bibles on their own in the evenings. And people always ask me how I \u201cgot them to do that.\u201d I didn\u2019t; actually, we don't require that of them. I'm so grateful that they have chosen that.\r\n\r\nAnn (00:34:47):\r\n\r\nAnd they're not on screens, and you don't have TV on in the evenings.\r\n\r\nAbbie (00:34:51):\r\n\r\nSometimes, if we watch movies together as a family or something. But this is like when they go to bed. They go get in bed\u2014\r\n\r\nAnn (00:34:58):\r\n\r\nOkay; they're in bed; they read the Bible.\r\n\r\nAbbie (00:34:59):\r\n\r\nAnd an older one will read it to her younger sisters, and that kind of thing. \r\n\r\nAnn: How sweet.\r\n\r\nAbbie: They're all in the same [room] because we actually have a boy wing and a girl ring in our house. I mentioned that my husband built houses. His dad owned a construction company, and he worked with him. They worked together to build two of our houses, completely from scratch\u2014everything:, electrical, plumbing, siding, framing, flooring\u2014everything. We built a boy's wing, which has four bunks in it; and then, a room in front that can be converted to a bedroom if we need to. And a girl's wing that has four bunks in it. \r\n\r\nThey'll sit in there and read the Bibles at night; and sometimes, they're way too late. I'll be like, \u201cWhat are y'all doing up?\u201d They're like: \u201cWe haven't read our Bibles yet.\u201d I'm sure they skip some nights\u2014it's not about legalism\u2014it's about the heart of thinking that God's Word is living and active. It never returns void, and it has everything we need for life and godliness. So of course, we prioritize it; and of course, we use it as our foundation for everything.\r\n\r\nAnn (00:35:59):\r\n\r\nLet me ask you\u2014because one of the things that stopped me, as I was reading it, that you said you don't even focus that much on all the stuff\u2014the little kids are like the hard part of it\u2014because it doesn't seem as hard anymore. Is that kind of what you said?\u2014something like: \u201cWhen I think about the younger kids, that's not even a thing now. I'm more focused on\u201d\u2014[I\u2019m hearing]: \u201cIt's nothing.\u201d Does it get easier now that you've had these kids?\u2014and the little ones, you\u2019re like you've learned so much about it?\r\n\r\nAbbie (00:36:32):\r\n\r\nYes and no. I would say that, interestingly enough, my last two have probably been my clingiest probably because they haven't had a baby to kick them out of the baby status. They have not been, I think that there is a hope that, when you have another child\u2014if you choose to have another child; the Lord gives you another child\u2014that \u201cThis will be the easy one\u201d; and that they'll just progressively get easier. But I haven't found that to be the case.\r\n\r\nAnn (00:37:02):\r\n\r\nYou haven't?\r\n\r\nAbbie (00:37:03):\r\n\r\nNo; I've had the three that have been just really easy toddlers\u2014just easy-going, cheerful\u2014\"We're going here,\u201d \u201cGreat; I'm good.\u201d \u201cWe're going here; we're doing this,\u201d \u201cI'm happy.\u201d \r\n\r\nI've had seven, who have been challenging for various reasons in various ways. My last two were challenging because they were obsessed with me. I nursed them until they were two years\/two years and nine months old\u2014longest I've ever nursed babies.\r\n\r\nAnn (00:37:32):\r\n\r\nProbably like Hannah with Samuel. She probably went longer, actually. Who knows.\r\n\r\nAbbie (00:37:35):\r\n\r\nYeah; probably did, honestly. \r\n\r\nWe took a huge family trip two years ago to Europe for 45 days; all of us went. \r\n\r\nAnn: What?!\r\n\r\nAbbie: Yes, it was wonderful. And things could not have gone better. Our weather was perfect; we were all safe. It was such an enjoyable experience. You can say it was such an enjoyable experience; and also, \u201cThat was really hard. There was a lot of moving\/there were a lot of moving pieces.\u201d Two of the moving pieces constantly were keeping two-year-olds, who were very out of their element with life.\r\n\r\nAnn (00:38:13):\r\n\r\nI can't even imagine.\r\n\r\nAbbie (00:38:14):\r\n\r\nIt was a constant family-working-together thing. But here's what I don't want: I don't want my older kids to get to parenting, and go, \u201cWhat, in the actual world? She never told us about any of this.\u201d They are never the parent. There's a whole conversation about parentification\u2014\u201cIf you ask your kids to be participants in your home, or ever play with their siblings, or watch them, or help them with something, you're making them the parent,\u201d\u2014that is absolute nonsense. We know the difference between helping someone do something for 30 minutes and being in charge of their entire lives.\r\n\r\nAnn (00:38:50):\r\n\r\nThat's good.\r\n\r\nAbbie (00:38:51):\r\n\r\nI do think that we rob our kids of an incredible opportunity to\u2014like it talks about in Philippians 2:4\u2014\u201cConsider others as more important than yourselves. Look not only to your own needs but to the needs of others.\u201d If we are called to love God and love our neighbors, we better start with the neighbors who live in our own home. Loving means giving of ourselves: not just prioritizing what we want to do; and never being inconvenienced by our siblings, or our parents, or the neighbors outside our doors. \r\n\r\nWhen you said, \u201cIs it just kind of like you just roll with it now?\u201d Yes, in some ways; but also, the Lord gave us two very clingy, needy little boys at the end. They are still some of our rascalliest in some ways\u2014just to come up with a word\u2014but it doesn't faze me like it used to.\r\n\r\nAnn: Maybe, that's the difference. \r\n\r\nAbbie: It still requires a great deal of effort and focus. In fact, I would say they were my biggest focus in the last four years\u2014while also, not ignoring my older children, of course\u2014but they took the most mental, emotional, and physical energy.\r\n\r\nAnn (00:39:57):\r\n\r\n\u2014your time and energy.\r\n\r\nAbbie (00:39:58):\r\n\r\nYeah, they were with me all the time. If I was going somewhere, they were with me. Whereas, the older kids can stay home. I get them started on math, and they can do math while I take the little babies\u2014who are going to distract the tar out of them\u2014to the gym with me, teach a class, pick up some groceries, come back; and then, we just roll with our day. The babies go down for naps. We literally still call them \u201cthe babies\u201d; because they are the babies of our family, even though they're four-and-a-half. \r\n\r\nIt is still like we are going to be giving of ourselves and pouring ourselves, like \r\n\r\nRomans 12:1 says: \u201cOffer yourselves\/offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God for this is your spiritual act of worship.\u201d Again, whereas the culture tells us: \u201cYou should kind of try to skate through motherhood as much as possible without letting it faze you too much. Because if you don't\u2026\u201d\u2014I literally just came across an account the other day that was doing some fitness stuff. The fitness stuff had a spinoff account, and it was called something about \u201cSelfish Motherhood.\u201d It was the idea that you put yourself first or you won't be able to prioritize anyone else, which is the opposite of what Philippians 2:4 says.\r\n\r\nAnn: Wow.\r\n\r\n(00:41:07)\r\n\r\nAnd this wasn't a Christian.\r\n\r\nAnn: It's kind of that the twisted self-care thing. \r\n\r\nAbbie: Exactly; in my first book, M Is for Mama, I have a whole chapter called \u201cSelf-care Versus Soul Care,\u201d where it's like\u2014my nails are done right now; I'm wearing jewelry; my makeup is done\u2014I'm not at home with my children currently. Clearly, it's not just this absolute slog\u2014that you never, ever come up for breath from; and help is always wanted and accepted\u2014but when you make it about you first\u2014rather than saying, \u201cLord, what do You have for me?\u201d\u2014a lot of times you just create this void. No amount of treats and drinks out with girlfriends, or whatever\u2014all the world tells us that we need to survive\u2014or Starbucks or Target runs or just kind of the things that are the social media memes; they don't fill it.\r\n\r\nAnn (00:41:58):\r\n\r\nI think, too\u2014because we're in that area\u2014it's so easy to be on social media. We get into the comparison mode. Man, it's really easy to fall down that valley\u2014when you're a parent, when you're a mom\u2014and you're looking at other lives; or you're looking at other moms, who seem like they've got it all together; or they are having their me-time\u2014you're like, \u201cI haven't gone to the bathroom by myself in five years.\u201d\r\n\r\nDave (00:42:23):\r\n\r\nHonestly, I'm listening to this conversation. I'm thinking you're the one they're comparing themselves to.\r\n\r\nAnn (00:42:27):\r\n\r\nYeah!\r\n\r\nDave (00:42:28):\r\n\r\nYou are remarkable in terms of what you do\u2014 \r\n\r\nAnn (00:42:32):\r\n\r\n\u2014the capacity that Gods given you. \r\n\r\nDave (00:42:33):\r\n\r\n\u2014and accomplish. I\u2019m thinking the average mom is like: \u201cShe writes books; she homeschools; she teaches fitness; she has ten kids,\u201d\u2014blah, blah, blah\u2014\"builds homes.\u201d It's awesome; but the average mom is probably like, \u201cIt's unattainable.\u201d And you're saying, \u201cNo, it isn't unattainable.\u201d\r\n\r\nAbbie (00:42:49):\r\n\r\nRight; because your version\u2014no matter what it is\u2014is not less than; it's only different. If you're saying, \u201cI bake bread in my home and have people over,\u201d\u2014\u201cGlory be to God; that is what He has called you to do; be faithful in that.\u201d \r\n\r\nAlso, you've probably heard somewhere this idea of: \u201cNever compare your beginning or middle to someone else who's farther down the line.\u201d I did some of these things like the fitness instructing\u2014which again, it's only hard and bad in our brains when it's something hard that we don't enjoy\u2014like I was giving you. I like exercising.\r\n\r\nAnn: It's fun. \r\n\r\nAbbie: If someone doesn't like exercising, they can't relate. \r\n\r\nI don't like gardening\u2014I want to like gardening\u2014but I don't like gardening. I'm terrible about outdoor plant stuff. Someone who\u2019s just out there\u2014my sister-in-law\u2014planted this gorgeous garden. You know what my first impulse, when I walked into this gorgeous garden, was? One, to praise her; two, to be like, \u201cOh, no; I'm failing. I got to get on this.\u201d And then, I stepped back. Because I'm 42 now\u2014and I have more sense than I did when I was 20 and was trying to do all the things at the same time\u2014I go, \u201cExactly in what time would you do this, Abbie?\u2014it's taken\u2014the Lord hasn\u2019t put that in your path, so keep going down that path that you have. Let her be amazing in this, and cheer for her; because the Lord has gifted her in this. And then, grow in it when you get an opportunity, a little space of time.\u201d\r\n\r\nAnn (00:44:30):\r\n\r\nIt's a lot like the Proverbs 31 woman. I used to read that and be overwhelmed with all the things that she did. [Rather]: \u201cNo, that's her lifespan.\u201d\r\n\r\nAbbie (00:44:37):\r\n\r\nShe's a prototype, too.\r\n\r\nAnn (00:44:38):\r\n\r\nYes, exactly. They're not describing this one particular woman.\r\n\r\nAbbie (00:44:43):\r\n\r\nYeah. They're describing things that you can do to rise up and be called blessed for doing, like taking care of your family well: looking well to the ways of your household, economically, and being frugal and wise; and making good choices; and honoring your husband. You see her doing all of those things. \r\n\r\nBut I'm never playing pickleball, being a fitness instructor, writing a book, and teaching math at the same time.\r\n\r\nAnn (00:45:08):\r\n\r\n\u2014the same time; exactly.\r\n\r\nAbbie (00:45:09):\r\n\r\nI didn't publish a book until I was 39. I always say, \u201cI'm just a highly pragmatic person. I don't do \u2018dreams.\u2019 I don't set goals. I'm not someone who\u2019s like, \u2018In five years, I will have sold this many books.\u2019\u201d The Bible tells us you don't know where you're going to be tomorrow, and the Lord is the One who counts the hairs on your head and gives you the next breath in your body. It talks about in James that you say, \u201cIf the Lord wills, we will do this or that, and go.\u201d How presumptuous of me to say, \u201cIn five years, I know I'm going to be killing it in this.\u201d One, I don't care; I actually don't care. Sure, numbers are nice; but if I'm killing it, and I have made that happen outside of the Lord's will for my life, shame on me.\r\n\r\nAnn (00:45:55):\r\n\r\nAnd your kids are miserable\u2014\r\n\r\nAbbie: \u2014and my kids are miserable.\r\n\r\nAnn: \u2014because you spent so much time away that you're not around them.\r\n\r\nDave (00:46:00):\r\n\r\nNow, do you do the same thing with your kids, not set goals?\u2014\u201cThey're going to be doing this in two years.\u201d\r\n\r\nAbbie (00:46:06):\r\n\r\nOh, gosh; no!\r\n\r\nDave (00:46:06):\r\n\r\nBecause a lot of moms live under this guilt\u2014even the sports thing\u2014what do you guys do with that?\r\n\r\nAbbie (00:46:11):\r\n\r\nWe did not do a lot of sports with our younger children; because we didn't want to spend every evening away from our home, running around. We are both very sports-minded and grew up doing a ton of sports, but we also come from much smaller families. We would do soccer in the spring. Whoever wanted to play soccer, we would all do soccer. We would run around in the yard\u2014we have a big front yard\u2014just things like that. \r\n\r\nAs our kids have gotten older\u2014particularly, my second son, Simon, who's 17 now, loves sports\u2014and we homeschool. There is a homeschool league in our area. We have a very active homeschooling community in East Texas, and there's a homeschool league that's quite competitive. He played\u2014I'm trying to remember\u2014how many players does a normal football\u2014you know this!\u2014how many players does a normal football team have that they play?\r\n\r\nDave (00:47:02):\r\n\r\nWell, you play 11 at a time.\r\n\r\nAbbie (00:47:03):\r\n\r\nOkay; so this was six-man football, I think.\r\n\r\nDave (00:47:05):\r\n\r\nOkay.\r\n\r\nAbbie (00:47:06):\r\n\r\nSo smaller. \r\n\r\nDave (00:47:06):\r\n\r\nProbably 7 man; they have 7 man.\r\n\r\nAbbie (00:47:07):\r\n\r\nOkay, that sounds good; I didn't ever count. I just needed to know who mine was out there. Two of my boys played that for a couple of years. And then, Simon has gotten really into basketball. He practices and practices and absolutely loves it. \r\n\r\nYou were talking about: \u201cDo I plan for my kids?\u201d I graduated early, and so I assumed all my kids would\u2014because who wants to [makes a noise]\u2014and would go to college. My son was on track to graduate a year early. My oldest son did graduate a year early\u2014and really was kind of unmoored for a year\u2014was like, \u201cNow, what?\u201d Because he's choosing to do computer programming. The world is changing with college, and I have no idea if any of my kids are going to college. My age\u2014back at college age\u2014it was like, \u201cOf course, you're going.\u201d And now, it's trades, and learning skills, and jumping right into earning money, which I think is really wise.\r\n\r\nDave (00:47:57):\r\n\r\n\u2014and no student debt.\r\n\r\nAbbie (00:47:58):\r\n\r\nNo student debt, exactly. My oldest is learning computer programming like his dad. But for that year after high school, where everybody else was still in school at his homeschool co-op, he was like, \u201cWhat do I do with myself?\u201d \r\n\r\nMy second-born is obsessed with sports. He wants to be an athletic trainer and wants to work with athletes. He's going to be really good at it too\u2014he's personable; he loves the burn\u2014he\u2019s very motivated and disciplined and gets after that. Here I am, thinking, \u201cHe's going to want to graduate a year early.\u201d He said, \u201cMama, please tell them I'm not a senior this year; because I want to play basketball for another year.\u201d Of course, I did that. Even the plans that I did have\u2014they changed\u2014that's what happens. \r\n\r\nAnn (00:48:38):\r\n\r\nWith ten kids\u2014I remember I'm trying to see who God made our kids to be\u2014you probably do that. It's so fun\u2014 \r\n\r\nAbbie (00:48:47):\r\n\r\nYes, it is fun. \r\n\r\nAnn (00:48:48):\r\n\r\n\u2014to discover. \r\n\r\nAbbie: It\u2019s one of my favorite things about being a mom.\r\n\r\nAnn: Me too! And that's what you've done\u2014you haven't made your kids become something\u2014you're watching who God created them to be. \r\n\r\nAbbie (00:48:56):\r\n\r\n\u2014100 percent.\r\n\r\nAnn (00:48:56):\r\n\r\nHow did you learn that?\r\n\r\nAbbie (00:48:58):\r\n\r\nI think my parents did a good job of exemplifying that for me. Because I went to college so early, of course, she had some input on my class choices and stuff. I had no idea what I was doing. She was thinking very pragmatically. She was thinking I might be a physical therapist or a physical therapist assistant, because you have flexibility of schedule. If you become a mom, you have a good degree that you can keep and a certification, whatever all the right terms are. I was like, \u201cOkay, Mom,\u201d\u2014not so very reluctantly\u2014but just like, \u201cOkay, I'll try that.\u201d I would've been a terrible physical therapist assistant. I'm very physical\u2014but I'm not science-minded; I'm not medically-minded\u2014I don't care about that stuff. \r\n\r\nI love words and I love languages. I ended up getting a double BA in Spanish and English. Interestingly enough, the Lord has used both of those things. I have an English degree that I, 100 percent, use to write books now. And I taught high school Spanish between public, private, and homeschool co-op for a combined total of ten years. \r\n\r\nThat wasn't her plan for me; but she rolled with it when she saw the interest developing, and saw me working hard and making the grades, and getting the academic scholarships. We didn't have any money for college. I went to college for free, because we needed all the scholarships. I was grateful not to come out with student debt. But yeah, she set the example of being somewhat interest-led while having those guidelines there so you don't just completely go off the rails. \r\n\r\nAnn (00:50:37):\r\n\r\nYeah, that\u2019s good. \r\n\r\nDave: Now, how were they \u201cthe chain-breakers\u201d? You say that the first page.\r\n\r\nAbbie (00:50:42):\r\n\r\nYes, yes. The dedication to Hard Is Not the Same Thing as Bad is to my parents, who both grew up with genuinely abusive parents in some way, shape, or form. My mom grew up with physically-abusive dad and a mom\u2014who, as a result of being married to that kind of man\u2014was kind and loving in some ways; but also, just emotionally unavailable; and sometimes, didn't get out of bed. My mom literally got her hardship license at 13 years old and was driving at 14, driving everybody everywhere; working; doing all the things. She has been someone who has coped since she was very, very young; someone who has had many, many negative words spoken over her throughout her life. \r\n\r\nMy dad came from an extremely godless\u2014\r\n\r\nAnd my mom lived in the south, lived in East Texas\u2014they're going to church. I think my grandmother was a Christian. My grandfather, whom my mom chose to love instead of\u2014I think she struggled with bitterness at a certain point\u2014but this was the one who was verbally and physically abusive to her. She just felt convicted that: if the Bible says that we are to forgive because Christ has first forgiven us, that she had to do that; she had to find a way to do that. She started bringing him treats and writing him letters. He actually came to Christ on his deathbed, I'm sure, as a result of her faithfulness to show him what the love and care of Christ looks like. That was when he was in his 70s. \r\n\r\nMy dad's parents were just completely outside of God and did really damaging things\u2014all around drugs, alcohol, pornography\u2014all kinds of things. [They] divorced when he was in his teens. My dad really struggled with various things, particularly drugs in high school and college, set by this example of his parents, and no guidance and no guardrails. He is a believer, but he struggles with bipolarism. My mom has shown me what it looks like to truly, for better or for worse, walk beside someone who genuinely struggles. To see their commitment\u2014to truly following Christ when it would make so much more sense, in the world's perspective, to tap out\u2014has been so inspiring to me, despite the obvious limitations of having a dad who has been hurtful at times. I've hurt my kids sometimes; maybe, not in the same way.\r\n\r\nAnn (00:53:20):\r\n\r\nYour mom could have written the same book title, probably.\r\n\r\nAbbie (00:53:23):\r\n\r\n\u2014100 percent. She is the one who taught me that. Growing up, if something didn't go my way, my mother was never going to coddle me. She's one of my best friends in the entire world. She's so full of wisdom and grace, and she is the most servant-hearted person that I know. She comes to our house; we hire her to come to our house two days a week. People will be like, \u201cMy mom would never accept money\u201d; or things like that. I'm like, \u201cNo, we don't want her working for anyone else. She does not have the luxury of not working at 73 years old, so we will make sure that she is taken care of. We'll make sure that our children have the luxury that I didn't have.\u201d My husband had grandparents he was close to, and that was wonderful. But I didn't have either set of grandparents that I was close to because they died when I was young or because they weren't the least bit interested in me.\r\n\r\n(00:54:08)\r\n\r\nAnd they have\u2014we call her \u201cSofta,\u201d\u2014that's the Hebrew word for \u201cGrandma.\u201d They have Softa, who does anything for them; she will. She's there: that incredible luxury is just so precious. I think I say in the book that one of the most impactful things that my dad did was be willing\u2014because my mom's the one with a degree\u2014the kind of work that my dad could get was mostly blue-collar physical labor, that didn't pay a ton. There's this narrative that: \u201cYou can't possibly stay home on a really small income.\u201d \r\n\r\nBut my parents wanted to homeschool; they wanted to do something different than they had experienced. They felt that they were called to be the primary educators of their children\u2014that what God talks about in Deuteronomy 6:6-8, that we are to teach the ways of God to our children as we walk, sit down, stand\u2014they couldn't make the math work to do that the way that they wanted to do\u2014with their children at home with them. When I say, \u201cthem,\u201d I mean my mom. My dad would drive an hour one way to a job; he worked for 12 hours; and then, drive an hour home.\r\n\r\nAnn (00:55:13):\r\n\r\nWow.\r\n\r\nAbbie (00:55:13):\r\n\r\nWe didn't see him most weekdays for very long at all. That, in and of itself, is maybe a little bit of a mercy; because his personality wasn't as naturally loving and nurturing as my mom's. But he showed up at\u2014he would come home from a shift and show up at my soccer game and cheer\u2014and that's what he could do. I think that there is great mercy from the Lord when we show up with what He's given us and give it to Him the best way we know how, even if it's very, very imperfect here on this earth. My upbringing\u2014while not smooth sailing\u2014was so different than theirs. They absolutely chose to break generational curses\u2014\r\n\r\nAnn (00:55:58):\r\n\r\nSo sweet.\r\n\r\nAbbie (00:55:58):\r\n\r\n\u2014of neglect and abuse. We get to benefit from that and continue passing that down to our children.\r\n\r\nAnn (00:56:03):\r\n\r\nSo you've had to forgive your dad.\r\n\r\nAbbie (00:56:07):\r\n\r\nYeah.\r\n\r\nAnn (00:56:08):\r\n\r\nWhat did that look like, in the midst of\u2014and how old were you?\r\n\r\nAbbie (00:56:13):\r\n\r\nI can't tell you the exact moment when I realized that I didn't hate him any longer because\u2014\r\n\r\nAnn (00:56:20):\r\n\r\nSo you did hate him, though.\r\n\r\nAbbie (00:56:21):\r\n\r\nI really feel like that's probably, regrettably, the best word for how I felt toward him sometimes: strong bitterness and resentment. \r\n\r\nAnn (00:56:31):\r\n\r\nBecause you just described him like: \u201cHe's a good man. He was faithful in terms of working\u201d; but there was a \u201cbut\u201d in there.\r\n\r\nAbbie (00:56:39):\r\n\r\nYeah; he was not enjoyable to be around, and he was not kind to my mom. Here I am, raised by this woman whom I idolize. A person [Abbie\u2019s dad], who is having a manic episode, is not in complete control of themselves. Being able to see that happen has given me great compassion for other people who struggle; it's not something I would wish on anybody. He just has a tendency toward: \u201cWe're doing it this way,\u201d and \u201cIt has to be this way.\u201d \r\n\r\nI am very careful not to just pass out details, willy nilly\u2014because I have no business doing so\u2014that's not honoring to my father. You don't need to know the details to know that it was a struggle. Someone, who\u2019s just like, \u201cOh, so your dad had hard lines; and you just had to stick to them. Well, poor you.\u201d No, it was more than that; and I don't feel called to share specifics.\r\n\r\nAnn (00:57:45):\r\n\r\n\u2014because he's living, and because you're trying to honor your mom and dad.\r\n\r\nAbbie (00:57:48):\r\n\r\nYeah, we are called to do that as the first commandment with a promise that it may go well with you and that you may live long on the earth. I don't want to violate what they deserve, biblically, as my parents in terms of honor; nor do I want to endanger myself, biblically. But just know that there were times of deep hurt\u2014words said, actions done\u2014that I found myself very, very angry that he was \u201cgetting away with it.\u201d It's very hard to hold someone\u2014who, to some extent, doesn't even remember some of the things that they did in the same way that you do; or in the same way that's actually factual\u2014accountable. \r\n\r\nAgain, they're hurting someone I love; they're being a source of stress to someone that I adore. You take up that cause, which we are actually called, Scripturally, not to do. We are told to fight injustice and to stand up for those who are helpless. But my mom's not helpless; she has Christ as her guide, and she knows what she's committed to. I had to really wrestle with a reckoning of which things were my burdens to bear, my offenses to forgive; and which things I was taking on that were not mine, just because I felt like I had a right to be angry because this was wrong. I would say early 30s, somewhere in that range.\r\n\r\nAnn (00:59:24):\r\n\r\nWell, even your chapter title about this\u2014\u201cThe Hard Work of Forgiveness\u201d\u2014has the power to change the way we mother. You're saying: \u201cBecause I forgave my dad and, if I hadn't forgiven my dad, it would affect the way you parent.\u201d\r\n\r\nAbbie (00:59:41):\r\n\r\n\u2014100 percent. I don't think there's any way to live in constant bitterness, especially if you're justifying it. I will say this\u2014not really in defense, but I was struggling with it\u2014I knew that my anger towards my dad, my resentment toward him, was not right. There are journals full, and so many tears and prayers prayed: \u201cLord, take this away, please. I don't want to feel this way.\u201d He ultimately did; but I think it was\u2014I say the hard work of forgiveness is ongoing; it's a process\u2014he's still capable of doing things that get my back up; but I'm able to stand outside it, and say, \u201cThis really doesn't have anything to do with you.\u201d\r\n\r\nAnn (01:00:26):\r\n\r\nThat's so good.\r\n\r\nAbbie (01:00:27):\r\n\r\nIt's not about me; he doesn't hate me. He's not trying to hurt me, specifically. Even if he is, that's between him and the Lord. I have just seen\u2014I talk about this in the chapter\u2014my mom tells me how he prays for us every single day.\r\n\r\nAnn (01:00:44):\r\n\r\nReally?\r\n\r\nAbbie (01:00:44):\r\n\r\nYeah; he's a genuine believer. He knows God's Word better than almost anyone I know; and yet, he still struggles. We see that with Paul: \u201cThe things I want to do are not the things that I do. The things that I don't want to do, I keep doing those. Who can save me? What a wretched man am I. Praise God that the answer is Jesus.\u201d\r\n\r\nAnn: That\u2019s so good.\r\n\r\nDave (01:01:02):\r\n\r\nYeah. Our listeners have heard my story, but it's very similar. I didn't realize\u2014I was mid-30s\u2014I had anger; I had bitterness that was coming out toward my boys and Ann that was really directed toward my dad. And when I went through that forgiveness journey\u2014which didn't take a day; it took years\u2014I think it set me free to be the dad\u2014\r\n\r\nAnn (01:01:24):\r\n\r\nIt did set you free.\r\n\r\nDave (01:01:24):\r\n\r\n\u2014and husband that they deserved. \r\n\r\nAnn: Totally.\r\n\r\nDave: I was locked up. Lewis Smedes says in a book, generations ago, Forgive and Forget: \u201cWhen you forgive someone, you set a prisoner free, only to realize you're the prisoner.\u201d\r\n\r\nAbbie (01:01:38):\r\n\r\nYeah, absolutely.\r\n\r\nDave (01:01:39):\r\n\r\nThat was me; sounds like you had a similar thing. \r\n\r\nSo now, as a mom with that sort of freedom, how has it made you different as a mother?\r\n\r\nAbbie (01:01:51):\r\n\r\nWell, there are times that I wonder if my children's childhood is too ideal; because their daddy is naturally patient and kind. I am certainly fallible and have had to learn patience and less harshness, which I inherit from my dad; I don't inherit that from my mom. I inherit common sense and no-nonsense pragmatism\u2014all that\u2014from probably both of them; but particularly, from my mom. I've had to learn to soften things\u2014and to recognize when it's a strength and when it's a weakness\u2014I don't want to perpetuate and hand down. \r\n\r\nSomeone can be like, \u201cWow; [I] think [I\u2019m] a really good parent, that [my] kids' lives are ideal.\u201d I think a little struggle is good for our kids to grow up with some sort of adversity in their lives.\r\n\r\nAnn (01:02:40):\r\n\r\nIt's your title of your book: Hard Is Not the Same Thing as Bad. Sometimes, when our kids struggle,\u2014\r\n\r\nDave (01:02:46):\r\n\r\nCharacter is developed in adversity.\r\n\r\nAnn: Yes.\r\n\r\nAbbie (01:02:48):\r\n\r\nI know that was true for me even when, obviously, I was still struggling with a lot of character growth. We talk about things in our household\u2014not delve into all the details\u2014but even now, they'll see my dad in an episode and tell me something he said or whatever. I'm able to say, \u201cOkay, I understand Saba is struggling, but what was your response? How can we be gracious to that?\u201d\r\n\r\nAnn (01:03:15):\r\n\r\nYes, that\u2019s good; instead of just judging. I think what, in the world, we can do is we stick up for our kids\u2014we become protective, which we need to protect\u2014but we can so judge the other person, without thinking, \u201cWhat could my response be?\u201d\r\n\r\nAbbie (01:03:31):\r\n\r\nRight. I started to say that earlier: that my mom refused to coddle me. I think she was probably thinking, \u201cIf your life goes similar to mine, and it will not have served you well to be coddled.\u201d But she would always say\u2014silly example: homeschool play\u2014the mom picked her daughter\u2014nepotism\u2014it happens. Of course, I wanted the part. She didn't go: \u201cYou should have gotten that part,\u201d \u201cYou deserved it; you were better,\u201d \u201cThat was not fair.\u201d She said, \u201cI'm sorry that happened, but dig deep into Jesus.\u201d That was always the response. \r\n\r\nAnn (01:04:11):\r\n\r\nOh, my goodness; I would've been like that: \u201cThe teacher's so wrong!\u201d\r\n\r\nAbbie: She refused.\r\n\r\nAnn: Wow! \r\n\r\n \r\n\r\nAbbie (01:04:12):\r\n\r\nI never grew up with this concept that I was owed something; my mom held that way out of the way.\r\n\r\nAnn (01:04:18):\r\n\r\n\u2014the entitlement piece.\r\n\r\nAbbie (01:04:19):\r\n\r\nNever. Giving our kids the opportunity to look at the heart of what's happening\u2014especially, their own hearts\u2014and being honest about our own hearts. I talk about things that I learned in M Is for Mama. I have this chapter called \u201cThe Gentleness Challenge.\u201d After baby number eight, I think my hormones were pretty out of whack. I was dealing with something called postpartum rage, without even knowing there was a name for it. \r\n\r\nAnn (01:04:46):\r\n\r\nI haven\u2019t heard that before\r\n\r\nAbbie (01:04:47):\r\n\r\nWell, I think they just name everything now. It's, basically\u2014\r\n\r\nAnn: We all know what it means.\r\n\r\nAbbie: Right. I had gone through periods of irritability; but this was intense, and it wasn't abating. I was just annoyed all the time: harsh words, blame, noticing\/faulting; because I felt so justified in it\u2014that\u2019s the thing\u2014in that moment, it feels like the truth, which is why we can never relay on our emotions to speak truth.\r\n\r\nAnn (01:05:15):\r\n\r\nThat's true in marriage too\/parenting: \u201cThey [emotions] are wrong; that is the truth.\u201d \r\n\r\nAbbie (01:05:20):\r\n\r\n\u2014[emotions] that\u2019s in your head, yeah. \r\n\r\nIt kind of came to a head one day, where we were having people over for small group from church that night. I was lying down for a nap. I had a baby and seven other children. I had given them their list of things to do; we do this stuff all the time. I came down, and the first thing I saw on the stair was the thing that I had asked them to move. That was it: \u201cI asked you to do this. You didn't do it well. This is disrespectful.\u201d I'm ranting at them. \r\n\r\nMy husband, who has been through the postpartum with me at a time or two at this point, is recognizing, \u201cShe's struggling.\u201d So, so kindly, he sat me down; and he said, \u201cI know that that was hard. You have people coming over, and you're stressed. You're not getting a lot of sleep, and you have a lot in your life. But they didn't do that on purpose; they're just kids. We can practice again later.\u201d It was all stuff that I was like: \u201cHe's right; he's right; he's right; he's right.\u201d I already knew that\u2014that's what the Holy Spirit is telling me\u2014while my flesh is saying, \u201cYou are justified to lose it on your kids.\u201d Of course, the shame that immediately follows when you know you've overreacted just crushes you; but you get in a cycle that you feel like you cannot get out of. \r\n\r\nHe said, \u201cI'm praying for you. We need to pray together, but we need to work on this,\u201d\u2014which was so kind of him to say, because he wasn't the one struggling with this. He was willing to be in it with me, and not condemn me, which is so kind and so needed in marriage. I think it was that day or the next day, this idea just uploaded into my brain\u2014it wasn't from me; it was, literally, from the Lord\u2014\u201cYou're going to do a challenge with your family for 30 days. You're going to tell them you're doing it, where you will speak only kind words or you'll keep your mouth shut. You will memorize Scripture on the topic together, as a family; and you'll ask for the Lord's help and their help to keep you accountable. When you mess up, you'll apologize immediately and repent.\u201d \r\n\r\nFor 30 days, with my kids' help\u2014and my oldest son, who is critical by nature, because his parents are critical by nature; and he's the firstborn, and he's the rule-follower and the responsible one\u2014he was noticing everything. I could tell he was keeping his mouth shut, but he was starting to resent me; because I was consistently not reacting to adversity with kindness or equilibrium.\r\n\r\nAnn: You\u2019re just hard on everybody. \r\n\r\nAbbie: Sometimes, it was as simple as\u2014\u201cGet a snack, Abbie. Come on; your glycemic index is not good at the moment. Get some calories in you,\u201d\u2014combat the physiological aspects. For 30 days, I worked on this.\r\n\r\nAnn (01:08:06):\r\n\r\nOkay, wait; so you bring the whole family in. \r\n\r\nAbbie: Yeah. \r\n\r\nAnn: You say, \u201cHey, guys, here's what's happening\u2026\u201d\r\n\r\nAbbie (01:08:13):\r\n\r\nYes; acknowledge that I was doing wrong.\r\n\r\nAnn (01:08:13):\r\n\r\nSo you're admitting; you're kind of confessing:\u2014\r\n\r\nAbbie (01:08:16):\r\n\r\nYes; not kind of; definitely.\r\n\r\nAnn (01:08:17):\r\n\r\n\u2014\u201cI have struggled with this; you've probably noticed\u2014absolutely noticed\u2014so here's what I'm doing.\u201d And what was their response when you said that?\r\n\r\nAbbie (01:08:25):\r\n\r\nThey were so kind; a lot of them were. My oldest son was 12\u2014you could tell he was like, \u201cOkay, I'm holding you to it,\u201d not in a mean way\u2014but \u201cYou told me to. I'm going to do it.\u201d And he did. And there were times I literally was [inhaling] huge breath to be like, \u201cWhat in the world guys? You know not to do this. What are you doing?!\u201d\u2014which, okay; I don't think that that is actually uncalled for, but not in an unkind way.\r\n\r\nAnn (01:08:51):\r\n\r\nAnd it can just be the tone.\r\n\r\nAbbie (01:08:52):\r\n\r\nYes, cutting tone,\u2014\r\n\r\nAnn (01:08:53):\r\n\r\nIf you say,\u2014 \r\n\r\nAbbie: \u2014sarcasm.\r\n\r\nAnn: \u2014[asking a question] \u201cWhat are you guys doing?\u201d Instead of \u201cWhat are you doing?!\u201d\r\n\r\nAbbie (01:08:57):\r\n\r\n[Calm voice] \u201cWhy are you doing that? Come on; you know better,\u201d\u2014that kind of thing. \r\n\r\nI would take a deep breath\u2014and my son would look at me from across the room\u2014I would close my mouth and walk outside. All I had\u2014I didn't have anything kind to say\u2014I just had to walk up and down our porch, and go: \u201cLord, help,\u201d \u201cLord, help,\u201d \u201cLord, help. I am not any good at this.\u201d \r\n\r\nThe fascinating thing that happened was that, in the process of training myself to delay speech\u2014so that I had time to choose better words\u2014my hormones got better.\r\n\r\nAnn (01:09:35):\r\n\r\nWow.\r\n\r\nAbbie (01:09:36):\r\n\r\nI kid you not. I didn't get them tested, but\u2014\r\n\r\nAnn (01:09:39):\r\n\r\nYou could tell; you could feel it.\r\n\r\nAbbie (01:09:40):\r\n\r\nYes. The buzzing in my brain, the pressure in my chest, the brain fog and unable to find words except for the mean words, the immediate quicksilver anger\u2014all those things\u2014started to subside; I'm saying, \u201cquickly.\u201d\r\n\r\nAnn: It's almost like\u2014\r\n\r\nDave (01:09:59):\r\n\r\n\u2014a neuro\u2014\r\n\r\nAnn (01:10:00):\r\n\r\n\u2014a neuro pathway change; but also, even that changed all your chemistry in your body.\r\n\r\nAbbie (01:10:07):\r\n\r\nRight; We are getting basically a negative dopamine hit\u2014we're getting a dopamine hit of negativity\u2014anger becomes very addictive. You shoot up; and then, you regret it afterwards. But in the moment, it feels almost good.\r\n\r\nAnn (01:10:19):\r\n\r\nIt's a cycle.\r\n\r\nAbbie (01:10:20):\r\n\r\nYes. My kids and I memorized the Lord's Word\u2014we memorized Ephesians 4\u2014that was one of the chapters we memorized together: \u201cBe completely humble and gentle, bearing with one another in love,\u201d \u201cLet no unwholesome talk come out of your mouth,\u201d \u201cDon't go to bed angry; don't give the devil a foothold.\u201d It's so full. \r\n\r\nAnn (01:10:36):\r\n\r\nWhoa! You did a lot of that chapter.\r\n\r\nAbbie (01:10:37):\r\n\r\n\u2014of Scripture.\r\n\r\nDave (01:10:38):\r\n\r\n\u201cSpeak the truth in love.\u201d\r\n\r\nAbbie (01:10:39):\r\n\r\n\u201cSpeak the truth in love\u201d; yes. And \u201cOnly speak what's edifying to those that hear it.\u201d It was so convicting, and it was convicting my kids too. What am I doing?\u2014I'm setting an example for them to treat others this way.\r\n\r\nAnn (01:10:51):\r\n\r\nThey won't forget that\u2014especially, your 12-year-old\u2014he'll remember that as a father, with his words.\r\n\r\nAbbie (01:10:56):\r\n\r\nYeah. I remember, years later, he said something. He's very respectful in the way that he says it, but he was upset at me about something. I can't remember what it was, but I think I had said something just really quickly\/sharply. I was like, \u201cI'm sorry about that, Bud.\u201d I could tell he was kind of still frustrated with me. At a certain point, I just kind of looked at him, and I said, \u201cBud, I have confessed and repented; it is your job to forgive. At this point, I'm not going to do it perfectly in every instance; but you're going to have to have some grace, because you're going to want some grace. Be careful about holding\u2026\u201d I was speaking from personal experience, and I\u2019ve told him that I was. So when I talk about forgiving my dad\u2014my kids read this book someday\u2014they've already heard it from me.\r\n\r\nAnn: Yes, it's not a surprise. \r\n\r\nAbbie: They know that it was a struggle.\r\n\r\nAnn (01:11:45):\r\n\r\nI think, as moms\u2014because I think with the book that we just had come out\u2014about: \u201cHow to Speak\u201d\u2014what\u2019s it called again?\r\n\r\nDave: Are you kidding me?! \r\n\r\nAnn: I was going to say, \u201cHow to Speak the Truth in Love.\u201d\r\n\r\nDave (01:11:57):\r\n\r\nHow to Speak Life to Your Husband When All You Want to Do Is Yell at Him. There you go.\r\n\r\nAnn (01:12:01):\r\n\r\nYou guys, edit that out! I know they're not going to.\r\n\r\nDave (01:12:04):\r\n\r\nWe're going to keep that one in, for sure: \u201cShe doesn\u2019t know the title of her own book.\u201d\r\n\r\nAnn: Obviously.\r\n\r\nAbbie (01:12:09):\r\n\r\nYou do, though. \r\n\r\nDave: I do.\r\n\r\nAbbie: That's an important title.\r\n\r\nAnn (01:12:11):\r\n\r\nBut I think, when God stopped me, because, as moms, we're so quick\u2014we respond; we react\u2014\r\n\r\nAbbie: We have to.\r\n\r\nAnn: \u2014that's just part of being a mom, to protect them. But we're also training them continually\u2014our kids\u2014and that can bleed into our husbands, and how we talk to our husbands, and to anybody. \r\n\r\nAbbie (01:12:28):\r\n\r\nThere is a cultural trend to treat husbands as another child. It is so wrong.\r\n\r\nAnn (01:12:33):\r\n\r\n\u2014so disrespectful. \r\n\r\nAbbie (01:12:34):\r\n\r\nYes.\r\n\r\nDave (01:12:36):\r\n\r\nAnd we feel it.\r\n\r\nAnn (01:12:37):\r\n\r\nYeah, I know you do; I think that's why I wrote about it. \r\n\r\nBut when I felt like\u2014and I'm such a verbal processor\u2014I think it; I say it. For God to say to me\u2014here is what I had to ask: \u201cShould I say it?\u201d\u2014instead of saying it immediately\u2014\u201cShould I say it?\u201d I wanted to say it; I wanted it, and thought it would be so helpful. And it\u2019s not a lot of times.\r\n\r\nAbbie (01:12:57):\r\n\r\n\u2014or a zinger, like\u2014\r\n\r\nAnn (01:12:58):\r\n\r\nThat's what you did: you walked out the door; you just prayed: \u201cLord, help me,\u201d \u201cLord, help me,\u201d because you want to say it.\r\n\r\nAbbie (01:13:03):\r\n\r\nYeah. If there's anybody listening, who\u2019s like, \u201cCan I do that too?\u201d\u2014I actually did it as a Instagram challenge\u2014immediately, thousands of women showed up. What does that tell you?\r\n\r\nAnn: We all struggle.\r\n\r\nAnn (01:13:14):\r\n\r\nThis is not an isolated thing at all. Moms have a lot of pressure on them every single day. One of the areas that it leaks out is anger. \r\n\r\nAnd then, people wanted a resource. I was just overwhelmed at the time; I was like, \u201cI don't have time to do this\u201d; but we decided to include it as a resource that you could access in my first book. And then, people were like, \u201cThat's not enough; I don't want just a chapter.\u201d\r\n\r\nSo there's actually an e-book on my site, MIsForMama.net, that you can walk through 30 days. There's a focus each day; there's a Scripture; there's a reminder\u2014it's very short\u2014you could do it in five minutes. You could get your kids and husband to do it with you. \r\n\r\nAnn: So good. \r\n\r\nAbbie: But if you don't know where to start\u2014and feel like: \u201cThat's not my personality; naturally, I wouldn't; my head would\u2026\u201d\u2014there's a resource.\r\n\r\nDave (01:13:58):\r\n\r\nNow, where do they find that?\r\n\r\nAbbie (01:13:59):\r\n\r\nMIsForMama.net, under my \u201cShop\u201d tab at the top.\r\n\r\nDave (01:14:03):\r\n\r\nAlright, we'll put that in the show notes, and a link to this book in the show notes as well: FamilyLifeToday.com. \r\n\r\nLet me ask you this: you didn't use the word, \u201cguilt\u201d; but \u201cDo all moms carry mom guilt?\u201d\r\n\r\nAbbie (01:14:17):\r\n\r\nI think so. Actually, my first book, M Is for Mama, I wrote, basically, as a response to the FAQs that I get on a weekly Q&amp;amp;A called \u201cWhaddya Wanna Know Wednesday\u201d\u201d that I do on my social media. I realized as I was\u2014I started to say this a while back\u2014I\u2019m not a dreamer; I'm a pragmatist. The one thing that I always wanted to do was write books. But at a certain point on social media, I kind of resigned myself to the fact that I have too many kids and too much going on to actually ever get a book out. And then, Harvest House, my publisher, approached me and offered me this book deal. \r\n\r\nAt that point, I realized something amazing. One of my biggest intimidating things was: \u201cHow do you do research for a book when all your time is taken?\u201d\u2014I realized I was doing this \u201cWhaddya Wanna Know Wednesday\u201d market research every single week\u2014I knew exactly what moms needed to hear. I knew exactly what the culture was telling them, and what they were struggling with; and I knew exactly where I needed to go to find the truth in God's Word.\r\n\r\n(01:15:16):\r\n\r\nOne of the big things is questions about mom guilt\u2014the self-care thing was another one, which is why I wrote a chapter on that\u2014\u201cBirds and the Bees\u201d is another one. It's just the ones that I get asked every single week. I get 500 questions a week; and sometimes, there's just a theme: ten people ask the same thing. One of them was mom guilt, and so I wrote a chapter called \u201cMom Guilt; and Then, Overcoming It\u201d when you're recognizing the difference between it and Holy Spirit conviction.\r\n\r\nAnn (01:15:45):\r\n\r\nYeah, talk about that. What's that mean?\r\n\r\nAbbie (01:15:46):\r\n\r\nOur culture basically tells us any guilt that we experience is a result of some sort of external force\u2014the patriarchy, your mother's expectations, the society that requires too much of you\u2014and you shouldn't even try to perform to their standards, which is true; God is our standard. But sometimes, God calls us to something, higher than society, that's even harder. I'm not saying that's an easy pass by any stretch. \r\n\r\nThere are times when we find ourselves\u2014especially, with the comparison trap, which was another one that people I get asked about constantly\u2014looking over here and feeling guilty that I haven't had this garden done. The Lord hasn't actually specifically called me to work on a garden right now. That's not\u2014in fact, my sister-in-law would say\u2014\u201cI'm building the garden, so you don't have to; because you can have what I have.\u201d\r\n\r\nAnn: That\u2019s sweet. \r\n\r\nAbbie (01:16:39):\r\n\r\nIsn\u2019t that amazing? \r\n\r\nAnd then, I'm right now called to do things that take my time\u2014coming to see you guys while my husband is home, and my kids all work together to hold the fort\u2014my sister-in-law's like, \u201cI'm not going to go fly to Florida; I'm not doing that.\u201d So don't take on guilt from something that you \u201care supposed to be doing\u201d that you just decided by looking at someone else; or someone else told you that you were supposed to be doing; but it wasn't from the Lord. So there's that. \r\n\r\nBut then, there's that still small voice that is poking your ribs about being bitter, or losing your temper, or the fact that\u2014I'll give this example from someone I follow on social media\u2014a young mom with four children talked about the fact that she got convicted that she was [having] her kids [watch] a show to cook dinner every night; because it gave her freedom to get things done in peace, and to get them done efficiently and more quickly. And then, she realized, \u201cShoot; I just projected this ten years down the road. The message I'm sending my kids is: \u2018Mom does things while you're entertained\u2019 but that's not actually the family culture that I want.\u201d The conviction was: \u201cBring your kids in, even when it's hard\u201d; and I am fully behind this; this is what we do. \r\n\r\nI have my twin girls, my first set\u2014this is the coolest full-circle moment\u2014\r\n\r\nAnn (01:17:56):\r\n\r\nHow old are they now?\r\n\r\nAbbie (01:17:57):\r\n\r\nThey're only 12; so it's one of many, I'm sure, I'll experience. The hardest toddlers\u2014the most pull-your-hair-out, like nonsensical emotional histrionics ever\u2014they are actually releasing a baking book in 2026. Because four years ago, when their twin brothers\u2014which by the way, they're all born on the same calendar day\u2014did you know that? \r\n\r\nDave: No.\r\n\r\nAnn (01:18:20):\r\n\r\nWhat?!\r\n\r\nDave: Really?\r\n\r\nAbbie (01:18:22):\r\n\r\nBoth of my sets of twins were born on September 24, eight years apart. \r\n\r\nAnn: Come on. This is such a God-thing. \r\n\r\nAbbie: Yeah, it really is. When the babies were little bitty, they wanted to start baking on Saturday mornings. I was like, \u201cYou've got to be kidding me. You're eight, and you're no good; you can't bake.\u201d \r\n\r\nAnn: It's so hard to bake at those ages. \r\n\r\nAbbie: They wanted to do it every Saturday morning, which was one of the few days when I could go to back to bed for a couple of hours after being up, sometimes, ten times a night. I was like, \u201cLord, I don't want to say, \u2018No.\u2019\u201d But there was this conviction that I was supposed to [say, \u201cYes.\u201d] Little did I know they would get offered an actual legit publishing deal, because they've been baking for four years. My publisher was like, \u201cThere's a hole in the tween baking market; do you girls want to do it?\u201d I was like, \u201cYes, we do.\u201d \r\n\r\nYou just don't know\u2014you can't guarantee that outcome, of course\u2014but you just don't know what your faithfulness to do those things the Holy Spirit is actually convicting you to do to change the culture and to be a chain-breaker can reap benefits later. It's Galatians 6:9: \u201cDon\u2019t grow weary in doing good; for in the proper time you'll reap a harvest\u201d\u2014the clincher of it all is\u2014\u201cif you do not give up.\u201d\r\n\r\nAnn (01:19:34):\r\n\r\nThat's good. \r\n\r\nSo that guilt-piece; did you ever go to bed at night\u2014put your head on the pillow and just recant\u2014\r\n\r\nDave (01:19:42):\r\n\r\n\u2014because she did.\r\n\r\nAnn (01:19:43):\r\n\r\n\u2014some of the negative things you said?\r\n\r\nAbbie (01:19:45):\r\n\r\nYeah, 100 percent.\r\n\r\nAnn (01:19:45):\r\n\r\nAs you're talking to all these women, having that mom guilt, what were your tips?\r\n\r\nAbbie (01:19:52):\r\n\r\nSo one, God's mercies are new every morning. If we don't live like that, we are literally shoveling away God's goodness with both hands, while He's pouring it into our laps. Why would we ever do that? So rather than making that trite; wake up, and say, \u201cWhat do I need to actually repent my kids of verbally today?\u201d\r\n\r\nAnn (01:20:10):\r\n\r\nYes.\r\n\r\nAbbie (01:20:11):\r\n\r\nMaybe not an 18-month-old; they may not understand: \u201cMom is so sorry that...\u201d They're like, \u201cJust feed me please.\u201d But you can repent to the Lord\u2014and as much as you need to\u2014the face-to-face people. And then, make it your goal to work on that specific thing as opposed to just simply wallowing in guilt. \u201cThe Lord has not given us a spirit of fear; but of love, power, and a sound mind.\u201d That means that we are given bright and logical minds, as parents, to say, \u201cOkay, here's the problem. I'm going to solve this in the Lord's strength. We are more than\u2014overcomers\u2014we are not victims.\u201d\r\n\r\nAnn (01:20:49):\r\n\r\nI think that's really good. And also, take your thoughts captive [to obedience to Christ]. If you already confessed it\/repented, it's done.\r\n\r\nAbbie (01:20:56):\r\n\r\nYes; Satan at that point\u2014Satan's the one\u2014\r\n\r\nAnn: He\u2019s the accuser.\r\n\r\nAbbie: I tell my kids, all the time: \u201cCondemnation is from Satan; conviction is from the Holy Spirit. You will recognize the difference when one keeps you stuck in self-loathing; and the other gives you the motivation to ask the Lord how to change.\u201d\r\n\r\nAnn (01:21:12):\r\n\r\nAs moms, it can feel justified, like, \u201cI deserve to wallow.\u201d No you don't; Jesus died for that. We don\u2019t have to wallow if we\u2019ve already done the business: we've apologized to our kids; we've confessed; we have [said], \u201cOkay, here's what I'm going to do different.\u201d That's it; it's done. I think Satan steals our joy when we wallow in it. \r\n\r\nAnn: Yeah, 100 percent.\r\n\r\nDave (01:21:34):\r\n\r\nOkay; I got to ask you\u2014in one section in our book about parenting\u2014we said: \u201cWe love the teenage years.\u201d We loved them. So many parents are like, \u201cUgh.\u201d \r\n\r\nAnn (01:21:45):\r\n\r\nHow many teens do you have right now?\r\n\r\nAbbie (01:21:46):\r\n\r\nI have three. We'll have five\u2014when this comes out\u2014\r\n\r\nAnn: \u2014airs.\r\n\r\nAbbie: \u2014I'll have five; yes\u2014 \r\n\r\nAnn: Wow! \r\n\r\nAbbie: \u2014which is the most\u2014I've done the math\u2014it's the most I'll ever have. It's spaced so that I will have five, multiple times; but I will never have six teenagers.\r\n\r\nAnn (01:22:03):\r\n\r\nOkay, so what do you think of it? \r\n\r\nDave: Do you love it? Why?\r\n\r\nAbbie (01:22:05):\r\n\r\nI love it! I think that they are the coolest human beings. \r\n\r\nAnn: They're fascinating.\r\n\r\nAbbie: \u2014genuinely. They are so much fun! Are they knuckleheads?\u2014sometimes, yes; but so am I! To classify an entire stage as \u201cuntenable\u201d; or to pass over it because \u201cWe're just going to get through the fog\u201d; or to make these dire predictions\u2014people will ask: \u201cWell, what are you going to do when your child does this?\u201d I say to them, \u201cI'm not going to assume,\u201d\u2014I'm not saying it won't happen; I'm not going to say it can't happen. \r\n\r\nAnn: But you're not going to think the worst. \r\n\r\nAbbie: No; I will prepare my mind in such a way that I can take things captive to the Lordship of Jesus Christ\u2014that I can be prepared to speak words of life\u2014rather than screaming, and yelling, and losing it. That I can know God's ways so that I can put those guardrails up, and know when that's needed; and when that needs to loosen up some. \r\n\r\nAbsolutely, don't be willy nilly as you go through parenting; but not to put one hand over your eyes, and look through your fingers, and dread of what's surely coming. It may not ever come in the way they tell you it will; you'll have wasted so much time. The Bible is really clear that we are called not to be anxious about tomorrow. And that would include the stages in tomorrow that we haven't gotten to yet.\r\n\r\nAnn (01:23:23):\r\n\r\nWhat about the parents, who are just like, \u201cOh, it's so hard; they're so rebellious. They speak without any kind of honor or respect. I don't know what to do.\u201d I think, sometimes, it feels like teens are pushing away; and parents just let them instead of pursuing them.\r\n\r\nAbbie (01:23:42):\r\n\r\nYes. I think you answered your own question. You are the father and the prodigal son. You do not ever stop loving them while also holding them accountable for right and wrong. The ability to physically do that wanes as they get bigger than you. As they get to be a legal adult\u2014our legal-adult son still lives at home and is very honoring of our house rules\u2014but literally, still comes home at a curfew, even though he could stay until 2:00 in the morning; and we wouldn't legally be able to do anything about it. But he has no interest in doing so; still enjoys being around his siblings. Part of it's his personality; part of it's the family culture; part of it is the grace of God. \r\n\r\nBut for those who are already\u2014let's say I get messages from people who are talking about their 17-year-old son screaming curse words at them\u2014you don't have the same recourses that you do when they were 3; you just don't. Part of that may be because you didn't take advantage of those or weren't able to. Maybe, you're a single parent; or you had to share custody; or just didn't\u2014\r\n\r\nAnn (01:24:51):\r\n\r\nYou've been working all day. \r\n\r\nAbbie (01:24:53):\r\n\r\n\u2014you didn\u2019t know what you know now\u2014you hadn't grown in the Lord\u2014things like that. \r\n\r\nBut it is never too late to turn a corner, to turn over a new leaf. I'm going to use all the cliches to say, \u201cI will be faithful now to teach you God's Word as you lie, walk, and stand; as I lie, walk, and stand with you. I can't make you accept it; I can't change your behavior.\u201d \r\n\r\nWe can change some behavior and make there be some acceptance when they're two, five, seven; they are under our authority\u2014and we can say: \u201cYou will not go to this,\u201d \u201cWe are not going to participate in that; we're going to turn that off,\u201d\u2014we have that ability. I think that's part of our job, as parents, to exercise that wisely. \r\n\r\nAnd with a teen\u2014especially, an older teen\u2014you're losing some of that ability. But if you can maintain that connection\u2014that they never doubt that you love them; that you want the best for them; that you love God first, and then, you love them\u2014there's no outcome guarantee; but I guarantee you that you will be changed as a result of being faithful in that.\r\n\r\nAnn (01:25:57):\r\n\r\nYeah, that's really good. \r\n\r\nI love this book, Abbie. It's beautifully written\u2014the cover is beautiful\u2014even the setup of it: at the end of each chapter, you have the narrative\/the Word\u2019s response to \u201chard.\u201d\r\n\r\nDave (01:26:10):\r\n\r\nI like \u201cThe Dad Thought\u201d; that's what I like.\r\n\r\nAnn (01:26:11):\r\n\r\nI do too. We did that in ours, too; I think it's good to get the man's perspective.\r\n\r\nAbbie (01:26:17):\r\n\r\nYeah; after I wrote M Is for Mama, everybody asked me where \u201cD Is for Daddy\u201d was. I was talking to you, off air, before we started about how I don't think there's too many men who would appreciate a book called \u201cD Is for Daddy.\u201d My husband's like, \u201cEw! I don't feel \u2018Ew!\u2019 about M Is for Mama; I feel \u2018Ew!\u2019 about \u2018D Is for Daddy.\u2019\u201d\r\n\r\nDave (01:26:31):\r\n\r\nHe Is right.\r\n\r\nAnn: You think so?\r\n\r\nDave: Oh, yeah.\r\n\r\nAbbie (01:26:33):\r\n\r\nOh, yeah, 100 percent. You get handed that; and the dude's like, \u201cThis is no, just no,\u201d kind of thing. But I had been asked so many times; I was like, \u201cShaun, you really need to contribute to the end of this.\u201d He's got so much wisdom; he's good with words. He's just someone I want everybody to meet and love as much as I do. I was so glad he got to do that.\r\n\r\nAnn (01:26:56):\r\n\r\nThat's cool. \r\n\r\nI love that you have \u201cA Christian Response to Hard\u201d; and then, you have \u201cAction Steps,\u201d \u201cQuestions,\u201d and \u201cA Prayer.\u201d\r\n\r\nAbbie (01:27:02):\r\n\r\nAs moms, one of the things\u2014that's really hard to do with as many distractions that we have\u2014even with short chapters like these is to be like, \u201cWhat did I just read?\u201d\r\n\r\nAnn (01:27:10):\r\n\r\n\u201cNow, what do I do?\u201d\r\n\r\nAbbie (01:27:11):\r\n\r\nYeah; \u201cNow, what do I do?\u201d Exactly. We need that clear direction and the condensing it down to its essentials. \r\n\r\nAnn: I love it.\r\n\r\nDave (01:27:18):\r\n\r\nWe're going to have you back to talk about a book that's coming out right around now: You Bet Your Stretch Marks. I just wanted to say it again. \r\n\r\nAbbie (01:27:28):\r\n\r\nDid you feel uncomfortable saying that? \r\n\r\nAnn: Every woman is like, \u201cOh, yeah; I know what that is. \r\n\r\nAbbie: Yeah; \u201cI know what that is.\u201d All the dudes look at me, like\u2014\r\n\r\nAnn: \u2014\u201cWhat?\u201d\r\n\r\nAbbie: \u2014\u201cWhat did she just say?\u201d\r\n\r\nDave (01:27:35):\r\n\r\nI was just going to ask, \u201cWhat's that about?\u201d I guess you guys already know.\r\n\r\nAbbie (01:27:38):\r\n\r\nPhysically speaking\u2014interestingly enough: I've had ten children, and I don't have any physical stretch marks from having children\u2014I think it's just a genetic thing.\r\n\r\nAnn (01:27:48):\r\n\r\n\u2014even with those two sets of twins.\r\n\r\nAbbie (01:27:51):\r\n\r\nYes; so strange. I'm as surprised as anybody. But I will tell you where I do have stretch marks\u2014on my soul, on my character, on my personality, on my ability to be patient through hard things\u2014You Bet Your Stretch Marks is essentially the culmination of the trilogy that started with M Is for Mama; continued with Hard Is Not the Same Thing as Bad; and ends with this encouragement that is a resounding exclamation-point answer to: \u201cOkay, I did all this; is it worth it?\u201d \u201cYou bet your stretch marks.\u201d\r\n\r\nIt comes back around to: \u201cWhy?\u201d Not because of what it produces in them\u2014although, I do think that there will be effects with faithful parenting; I do think the Lord will bring a harvest and produce fruit in them; and He is faithful to do that\u2014it's what it makes in you because it is worth it if we are faithfully following God, no matter what the results are on anybody else. \r\n\r\nAnn: Yes.\r\n\r\nAnn (01:28:44):\r\n\r\nThanks for watching. If you like this episode,\u2014\r\n\r\nDave (01:28:47):\r\n\r\nYou better like it.\r\n\r\nAnn (01:28:48):\r\n\r\n\u2014just hit that \u201cLike\u201d button.\r\n\r\nDave (01:28:49):\r\n\r\nAnd we'd like you to subscribe. All you got to do is go down and hit the \u201cSubscribe\u201d\u2014\r\n\r\ncan't say the word, \u201csubscribe\u201d\u2014hit the \u201cSubscribe\u201d button. I don't think I can say this \r\n\r\nword! \r\n\r\nAnn: I can subscribe. \r\n\r\nDave: Look at that! You say it so easily. \u201cSubscribe\u201d; there he goes!\r\n\r\nFamilyLife Today is a donor-supported production of FamilyLife\u00ae, a Cru\u00ae Ministry. \r\n\r\nHelping you pursue the relationships that matter most.\r\n\r\nIf you\u2019ve benefited from the FamilyLife Today transcripts, would you consider donating today to help defray the costs of producing them and making them available online?  \r\n\r\nCopyright \u00a9 2025 FamilyLife. All rights reserved.\r\n\r\nwww.FamilyLife.com                                 \r\n\r\n\n"],"ssp_guid":["https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/%series%\/how-to-find-gods-grace-when-youre-beyond-overwhelmed-abbie-halberstadt\/"],"_uag_css_file_name":["uag-css-317206.css"],"_uag_js_file_name":["uag-js-317206.js"]},"uagb_featured_image_src":{"full":["https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2025\/02\/image_bbee74.jpg",1024,1024,true]},"uagb_author_info":{"display_name":"Margaret Coyle","author_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/author\/margaret-coyle-a9eb952f\/"},"uagb_comment_info":0,"uagb_excerpt":"What if the hardest parts of parenting were actually opportunities for growth? On this inspiring episode of FamilyLife Today, Dave and Ann Wilson sit down with Abbie Halberstadt to unpacks her powerful philosophy: difficulty in life isn't negative, but an opportunity for growth and sanctification.","meta_box":{"show_notes":"\n<ul>\n<li><a href=\"https:\/\/misformama.net\/\">Learn more about Abbie on her website<\/a><\/li>\n<li><a href=\"https:\/\/misformama.net\/hard-is-not-the-same-thing-as-bad\">Read Abby\u2019s book, Hard Is Not the Same Thing as Bad, to dive into tools for sanctifying hardship<\/a><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<hr>\n<ul>\n<li>Find resources from this podcast at <a href=\"https:\/\/shop.familylife.com\/product-category\/radio-resources\/\">shop.familylife.com<\/a>.<\/li>\n<li><a href=\"https:\/\/shop.familylife.com\/product-category\/past-radio-resources\/\">See resources from our past podcasts.<\/a><\/li>\n<li>Find more content and resources on the <a href=\"https:\/\/www.familylife.com\/app\/\">FamilyLife's app<\/a>!<\/li>\n<li>Help others find FamilyLife. Leave a review on <a href=\"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303\">Apple Podcast<\/a> or <a href=\"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm?si=d6dfa8d2415f4750\">Spotify<\/a>.<\/li>\n<li>Check out all the FamilyLife's podcasts on the <a href=\"https:\/\/www.familylife.com\/familylife-podcast-network\/\">FamilyLife Podcast Network<\/a><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n\n","transcript_url":"https:\/\/transcript.familylife.com\/fl2025-08-26.pdf","transcript_content":"\nFamilyLife Today\u00ae with Dave and Ann Wilson; Podcast Transcript\r\n\r\nThis content has been generated by an artificial intelligence language model. While we strive for accuracy and quality, please note that the information provided will most likely not be entirely error-free or up-to-date. We recommend independently verifying the content with the originally-released audio. This transcript is provided for your personal use and general information purposes only. References to conferences, resources, or other special promotions may be obsolete. We do not assume any responsibility or liability for the use or interpretation of this content.\r\n\r\nHow to Find God\u2019s Grace When You\u2019re Beyond Overwhelmed\r\n\r\nGuest: Abbie Halberstadt\r\n\r\nRelease Date: August 26, 2025\r\n\r\nDave (00:00:00):\r\n\r\nHow do you make this shift?\u2014the perspective shift from this is hard, but it's not bad.\r\n\r\nAbbie (00:00:04):\r\n\r\nThere are people who don't have Jesus\u2014they have some self-discipline; they have systems in place; they can get outside help; they get organized\u2014and then, you can function. But the joy comes from the Holy Spirit; it is a fruit of the Spirit. You can't do it without God's Word and His Holy Spirit.\r\n\r\nAnn (00:00:25):\r\n\r\nI don't know whether to stand up and cheer or to bow down for our guest today. Let me just give you a little bit: \u201cCan you imagine having ten children, homeschooling, and two sets of twins?\u201d Right there, just that!\r\n\r\nDave (00:00:40):\r\n\r\nNo; no.\r\n\r\nAnn (00:00:41):\r\n\r\nAbbie, I've already put you on a pedestal: \u201cWhat in the world?\u201d You're writing books too; there's just so many things. \r\n\r\nDave (00:00:49):\r\n\r\nGo ahead: fitness instructor\u2014you didn't even finish that.\r\n\r\nAnn (00:00:51):\r\n\r\nYes, a fitness instructor.\r\n\r\nDave (00:00:52):\r\n\r\nAnd we just found out a pickleball\u20144.0\/4.5 maybe\u2014I don't know.\r\n\r\nAbbie (00:00:58):\r\n\r\nNot 4.5 yet; that's the goal. \r\n\r\nDave: That's the goal?\r\n\r\nAbbie: Yeah, 4.1. We're getting there.\r\n\r\nAnn (00:01:04):\r\n\r\nWe have Abbie Halberstadt with us today. She's written this great book: Hard Is Not the Same Thing as Bad. The title is intriguing. \r\n\r\nAbbie, Dave and I are just going to sit here; we're going to put you on this pedestal.\r\n\r\nAbbie (00:01:23):\r\n\r\nI always sweat when I'm on podcasts. What a great way to start, Abbie; let's tell people about your perspiration. My body just releases the hounds\u2014no matter how not-nervous I am; I'm not nervous right now\u2014but it's just like a physiological response. \r\n\r\nAnn: I do the same! \r\n\r\nAbbie: The thought of you putting me on a pedestal: \u201cThis is so uncomfortable!\u201d \r\n\r\nAnn (00:01:44):\r\n\r\nYes, I'm sure it was; I couldn't help myself\u2014anybody who has a set of twins\u2014but you have two sets of twins.\r\n\r\nAbbie (00:01:47):\r\n\r\nI do. And let me just tell you: I did not think I wanted them. Our history with fertility is that my mom, who is\u2014I mean, put her on a pedestal; she's the one; she\u2019s amazing\u2014she has two whole children. People always assume I come from a big family. I don\u2019t; I have one older brother, who's four years older than I am. My mom would've happily welcomed any children that the Lord had for her. His answer was two children and a lot of miscarriages. \r\n\r\nI think that that is a conversation that needs to be had; because people\u2014when they talk about openness to the Lord's sovereignty, especially in the area of fertility\u2014assume that they're probably going to have 20 kids. But what if the answer is the exact opposite?\r\n\r\nAnn: \u201cTwo.\u201d\r\n\r\nAbbie: You are happy to have as many as the Lord gives you and the Lord says, \u201cThe number is two.\u201d\r\n\r\nIt's interesting: when people make these assumptions\u2014because if you have ten kids, it must be because you were gunning for some sort of record, right?\u2014well, I didn't have any point of reference for this.\r\n\r\nAnn (00:02:50):\r\n\r\nYou didn't start your married life, thinking, \u201cI'm going to have ten kids.\u201d\r\n\r\nAbbie (00:02:54):\r\n\r\nNo, I don't think most people do. If anybody does, that's a pretty foreign concept. I will say that on my second date with my husband\u2014I had been engaged before; and one of the sore points was birth control, and fertility, and things like that. It's not why we broke up; but it was\u2014\r\n\r\nAnn: It was a thing, \r\n\r\nAbbie: \u2014a struggle. I remember, on my second date with my husband, I literally told him: \u201cI\u2019m not going to be using chemical birth control. It's not good for my body; I don't want to do it.\u201d\r\n\r\nI think that\u2014when Proverbs 3:5-6 talks about: \u201cSubmitting all your ways to the Lord; trust the Lord with all your heart and lean on your own understanding, and in all your ways acknowledge Him and He will [make] your path straight,\u201d\u2014I think that's even more important. \u201cHe will make your path straight,\u201d\u2014that includes fertility. A lot of people kind of section that out because it's so life-altering. You have so much commitment and responsibility when you have this little life come into your life.\r\n\r\nAnn (00:03:49):\r\n\r\nYour whole life changes.\r\n\r\nAbbie (00:03:49):\r\n\r\nIt changes everything; exactly. \r\n\r\nI dropped the bomb: \u201cI'm not the least bit interested in altering my hormones, and that could mean six whole kids.\u201d \r\n\r\nAnn: That what you were thinking.\r\n\r\nAbbie: When we talk about not expecting to have ten kids, that was the max my brain could even fathom. I think that was\u2014 \r\n\r\nDave (00:04:09):\r\n\r\n\u2014double digits.\r\n\r\nAbbie (00:04:09):\r\n\r\n\u2014about the largest family that I knew.\r\n\r\nDave (00:04:12):\r\n\r\nI'm still back: you did this on the second date?\r\n\r\nAbbie (00:04:14):\r\n\r\nYes. \r\n\r\nDave: What was happening?\r\n\r\nAnn: \u2014which was smart!\u2014super smart. \r\n\r\nDave: Did you think: \u201cWow; this could go somewhere. I better start\u2014\r\n\r\nAbbie: \u2014100 percent.\r\n\r\nDave: Really? \r\n\r\nAbbie: My husband was not a Christian when I first met him. If you had told me that I was going to even consider dating\u2014or much less, marry a man who had not been a believer for a significant amount of time, was steeped in God's Word\u2014because I distinctly remember the moment, at five years old, when I was listening to Bullfrogs and Butterflies with my best friend, Rhonda. There was a song that came on about heaven and accepting Jesus into your heart\u2014those colloquialisms we use, as children, declaring the Lord Jesus Lord of your life, and recognizing that you're a sinner\u2014I remember all these things. \r\n\r\nDave: \u2014at five?\r\n\r\nAbbie: Yes, very distinctly; it is probably the most distinct memory of my childhood.\r\n\r\nDave (00:05:02):\r\n\r\nReally?\r\n\r\nAbbie (00:05:02):\r\n\r\nThat is the moment that I gave my life to the Lord. To meet a man who wasn't even a Christian yet, and to even consider dating him, was not something I would've ever expected or thought was even possible. We knew each other\u2014we played sports together, both really athletic\u2014I beat him in ping pong a couple times. \r\n\r\nAnn: Oh, yeah, you did.\r\n\r\nAbbie (00:05:26):\r\n\r\nSo we had this rivalry going; but very friendly and flirty, of course. \r\n\r\nI was the coordinator for our 20-somethings group at church. I would send out these emails. Because I love words, they were never just like: \u201cWe're meeting at the Mexican restaurant on Friday night,\u201d\u2014it was like puns, and riddles, and goofy\u2014I was such a nerd. He loved it, because he is a software developer by trade. He's also built two houses, with his own hands, for us. He also won lit crit [literary criticism] in high school at UIL and was valedictorian at his school, which was 14 whole people. But still, he was the best of the 14 people, academically. He's just a Renaissance man; I was really drawn to that. \r\n\r\nYes, as of the second date, neither one of us were flitty types; we knew this could go somewhere. I needed him to be either scared or aware of what he was getting into.\r\n\r\nDave (00:06:19):\r\n\r\nSo how did he come to Christ? Did you lead him to Christ?\r\n\r\nAbbie (00:06:22):\r\n\r\nNo; although, I would love to think that just by having strong convictions, and his being attracted to that, that he was, at least, kind of geared more that direction. No, we all have some level of common grace; obviously, not all are saved, of course. And that is the tragic reality of the separation from Christ; that is, sin without repentance. \r\n\r\nI feel like some of us, in some ways, have more common grace than others. My husband was full of integrity; he was kind; he was hardworking.\r\n\r\nAnn (00:06:59):\r\n\r\nSounds like a good man.\r\n\r\nAbbie (00:07:00):\r\n\r\nYes; but, of course, \u201cThere is no one righteous, not even one.\u201d\r\n\r\nAnn: Exactly. \r\n\r\nAbbie: He wasn't righteous, but he was what the world would call \u201cgood,\u201d\u2014to the point that he had had girlfriends in college who had wanted to stay over. One did literally stay the night, because she had car trouble. He rolled up a comforter in the bed between them.\r\n\r\nAnn: \u2014which is so unusual\r\n\r\nAbbie: Right! Because he had this conviction that he would be cheating on his future spouse if he had sex with someone before marriage.\r\n\r\nAnn (00:07:27):\r\n\r\nFor an unbeliever, that's kind of crazy.\r\n\r\nAbbie (00:07:29):\r\n\r\nIt is kind of crazy. And so I feel like even though we are all depraved and the heart of man is desperately wicked, we know that very clearly from Scripture that the Lord was kind to give Shaun insight. His mom had taken him to church: he had some knowledge of Christianity; he had a little bit of biblical exposure. \r\n\r\nUltimately, how he described it was that he had all of the knowledge without the enlightening of the Holy Spirit.It wasn't this huge leap; it was like: \u201cHere's the reason.\u201d He was a deist: he believed that there was a God, who had designed everything; but then, He had just stepped back and wasn't interacting with mankind. When he came to the realization, because the Lord drew his heart to Him\u2014that: \u201cNo, I'm a deeply personal God who loves you and who chose you before the foundations of the world were laid.\u201d It's just like all of it clicked into place and made sense. The leaps that he made\u2014in terms of conviction, and maturity, and growth\u2014were just incredible from very, very quickly.\r\n\r\nAnn (00:08:31):\r\n\r\nThat's really cool.\r\n\r\nAbbie (00:08:32):\r\n\r\nYeah.\r\n\r\nAnn (00:08:33):\r\n\r\nI love that you stated: \u201cThis is what's important to me in a marriage\u201d; because I think that, when we're dating, we try to please the other person so much that we bend and we contour to whatever they want. We're so desperate for the relationship. It shows your desperateness for Jesus and to have a marriage that's reflective of that.\r\n\r\nAbbie (00:08:53):\r\n\r\nI feel like the Lord had already prepared my heart. Because I can be a people pleaser, I do not bend on things of conviction; the Lord has given me that; I just won't. That's no credit to me; I think He's gifted me the personality for that. But when it comes to those things, where you just want people to like you, and it's not necessarily a moral kind of thing, I will definitely change my personality or whatever; I can tend to do that. I think we all can. But because I had that previous relationship\u2014which: \u201cThe Lord works all things together for good, for those who love Him and are called according to His purpose,\u201d\u2014even though that was really hard at the time, and one of the hardest years of my life up to that point, I really felt like it had given me this rock solid: \u201cThis matters so much to me and I want this to be.\u201d \r\n\r\nI think that every Christian should go to the Lord with every aspect of their lives, including their fertility, instead of defaulting to some sort of cultural standard, where it's like our marriage counselors\u2014we were required to do marriage counseling with our church; they were very sweet people, and they gave us lots of good advice\u2014but one thing we found really interesting; we just smiled and tried not to look at each other\u2014this was that one of their biggest piece of advices was: \u201cDon't have children too soon.\u201d \r\n\r\nI don't know who gets to decide that, especially when we're talking about the Lord being the opener and closer of the womb and the One who gives and takes life. We got in the car; we just kind of looked at each other: \u201cWe are going to disappoint them, so hardcore, if the Lord wills,\u201d kind of thing. \r\n\r\nBack to the twin thing\u2014you said\u2014oh, just one sec\u2014\r\n\r\nAnn (00:10:34):\r\n\r\nWait, wait, wait. How soon did you have your first baby?\r\n\r\nAbbie (00:10:35):\r\n\r\nOne week before our first anniversary.\r\n\r\nAnn (00:10:38):\r\n\r\nOkay.\r\n\r\nAbbie (00:10:39):\r\n\r\nI will say that we thought God's timing was incredible; because we're doing nothing to prevent, and we don't get pregnant for three months. Turns out I'm Fertile Myrtle, so that was kind of a miracle. I was teaching high school Spanish\u2014I graduated at 19\u2014and started teaching high school Spanish at 19, teaching kids who were my age. I was teaching seniors.\r\n\r\nDave (00:11:01):\r\n\r\nWhat do you mean you graduated at 19?\r\n\r\nAbbie (00:11:02):\r\n\r\nI was homeschooled. My mom, when I was 14\/15 years old, said, basically\u2014because my older brother had also done this; my dad got an associate's degree at a community college\u2014my older brother was 14; and she was like, \u201cYou can go get a lot of your basics out of the way. Just go with your dad.\u201d As long as you have scores to get into the college, I think\u2014I don't remember the cutoff age, but it's something like 13 or 14\u2014my brother had done it. My mom has her master's degree in English\u2014she's very academic; she's taught at the collegiate level\u2014she knows all the things. She homeschooled my brother and me. \r\n\r\nShe told me, at 14 or 15: \u201cYou can either do your last two years of high school; and then, basically repeat them in college.\u201d There wasn't nearly as much dual credit or CLEP-ing options. I'm not going to say how many years ago\u2014I don't care if anybody knows; I'm like, \u201cWhat's the math on that?\u201d\u201425 years ago as there are now. She said, \u201cYou can redo it, or you can just jump into college.\u201d I was like, \u201cI'll do that. I'm not doing anything twice that I won't have to do.\u201d I started at 15; finished at 19 and started teaching high school Spanish. \r\n\r\nAt 22, I was in my third or fourth year of teaching; I think fourth year of teaching. I ended up announcing the pregnancy, way into it. I'm sure people were like, \u201cShe's looking a little thick\u201d; but I didn't say anything until 20 weeks. You can get away with that with your first baby. I remember the guidance counselor, who is a kind, godly woman who goes to our church now\u2014she probably has no memory of saying this whatsoever\u2014saying, when we announced the pregnancy: \u201cOops, accidents happen.\u201dShe assumed, because our culture tells us this is the right way to do it\u2014because we had marriage counselors, who said, \u201cDon't have kids too soon; it'll ruin your marriage,\u201d\u2014that we couldn't possibly have meant to or been open to having children so early in our marriage. I remember my mouth falling open\u2014the people-pleasing thing\u2014I didn't say anything back to her. I just laughed awkwardly, because I didn't know what to say. I think I was 23 by that point. \r\n\r\nSo here I am, thinking the Lord's timing is amazing; because I'm not due until the last week after finals. I'm like, \u201cLook at that: I'll have the whole summer if I want to come back.\u201d I did a couple more years, part-time, until I quit to stay home with my kiddos. So just the different perspective: \u201cYou worked that out; great!\u201d I didn't have to leave in the middle of the year; I didn't inconvenience anybody. And sure enough, I had him one week after my last final\u2014 \r\n\r\nAnn: That's amazing. \r\n\r\nAbbie: \u2014and one week before our first anniversary.\r\n\r\nDave (00:13:39):\r\n\r\nDid it ruin your marriage?\r\n\r\nAbbie (00:13:41):\r\n\r\nNo; it did not, in fact, ruin our marriage.\r\n\r\nAnn (00:13:41):\r\n\r\nI think the reason I could tease you when I first met you is because\u2014\r\n\r\nDave (00:13:48):\r\n\r\nShe does that to every guest; she just bows down.\r\n\r\nAbbie: I don\u2019t think this one has a reason.\r\n\r\nAnn (00:13:51):\r\n\r\nI don't think I've ever done that, actually.\r\n\r\nDave (00:13:53):\r\n\r\nI don't think she's ever done it.\r\n\r\nAnn (00:13:54):\r\n\r\nThe reason I could do it is because you're incredibly real and honest in your book. You can tell that by the title: Hard Is Not the Same Thing as Bad. You're saying it's: \u201cRaising kids can be hard.\u201d\r\n\r\nAbbie: Oh, 100 percent. \r\n\r\nAnn: You have ten of them; and you don't shy away from saying, \u201cYes, it's hard. Yeah, it is.\u201d That's the thing that I've appreciated that you haven't put yourself on the pedestal.\r\n\r\nAbbie (00:14:18):\r\n\r\nIf I ever put myself on a pedestal, I pray God knocks me off right away. \r\n\r\nAnn: Exactly. \r\n\r\nAbbie: I think the audacity to say, \u201cFollow me,\u201d\u2014rather than\u2014\u201cFollow Christ,\u201d\u2014\u201cPlease, never Lord.\u201d One of my best friends, and mentor, Jennifer Flanders has 12 children; that's not why we're best friends. We have completely different personalities. There isn\u2019t some large-family moms Unite Club. \r\n\r\nDave: You\u2019ve got a competition going on here.\r\n\r\nAbbie (00:14:45):\r\n\r\nNo.\r\n\r\nDave: You going for three more? \r\n\r\nAbbie: No, she is 17 years my senior; and her three youngest are the same age as my three oldest. She is just such a wonderful source of wisdom. She's the de facto editor of all my books; she gets first shot at all of them and is such a good sounding board. She says: \u201cI pray this prayer every day: \u2018Lord, take me home before You ever let me betray You or blaspheme Your name, even unintentionally, in any way.\u2019\u201d It's a scary prayer; literally, \u201cTake me out.\u201d\r\n\r\nAnn (00:15:19):\r\n\r\n\u2014\"rather than disgrace Your name.\u201d \r\n\r\nAbbie (00:15:21):\r\n\r\nYeah; or \u201c\u2026make it about me.\u201d\r\n\r\nAnn (00:15:22):\r\n\r\nYes. We're living in a culture that really easy to make it about us. You're not; you're putting all the glory and all the attention onto Jesus. \r\n\r\nDave: Well, there's definitely a\u2014\r\n\r\nAnn: You could, at least\u2014I'm thinking, \u201cTen kids: is she going to be frumpy?\u201d \r\n\r\nAbbie: Oh, come on; can we get rid of this stereotype? \r\n\r\nAnn: Well, every woman who\u2019s had five, you're like, \u201cWell, it does change things.\u201d You're gorgeous, but you're incredibly humble too; so it's really fun.\r\n\r\nDave (00:15:50):\r\n\r\nIn some ways\u2014you do, in some ways, think that could be happening\u2014you don't have time for yourself.\r\n\r\nAbbie (00:15:54):\r\n\r\nYeah; that can happen, for sure. I think that we make time for what's important to us. If you were to walk into my home at 8:00 am on a homeschool morning, you would think I was incredibly frumpy. I'm okay with that. Obviously, I'm going to put on some makeup, and a cute outfit to come to something like this. But on any given day, I am wearing workout clothes all day, with zero makeup; and frizzy hair.\r\n\r\nAnn (00:16:20):\r\n\r\n\u2014of course. But I love\u2014I think that we, as women\u2014when we're in this together; and we can hear somebody who\u2019s homeschooling, who\u2019s raising kids, who\u2019s writing books, you're like, \u201cMan, she's learned a few things. I want to hear what you have to say.\u201d\r\n\r\nAbbie (00:16:33):\r\n\r\nI think that that is true. I think that we need to keep all the glory and honor to Jesus, but not gatekeep some things that we have picked up, along the way, as a way of false humility. Like one of my least favorite things for seasons moms to say is: \u201cI know less than when I started.\u201d I understand the concept.\r\n\r\n(00:16:56)\r\n\r\nAnn: You know what they mean.\r\n\r\nAbbie: I do know what they mean, but I don't know that everybody else does. I hear from lots of young moms who are like, \u201cWould somebody please step up, and have the confidence and the courage to say, \u2018The Lord has grown me, and here are some really helpful things that are principles. You don't have to do them like I do them; you don't have to apply them the way that I apply them.\u2019\u201d Go with the interest, and the personality, and the strengths as well as addressing the weaknesses that the Lord has given you. Don't try to copy anybody else's particular application of the principles. But my goodness, don't shy away from saying, \u201cThe Lord has grown me in patience and self-discipline,\u201d because how depressing would it be to say, \u201cI've given 20 years of my life to parenting, and I'm worse off than when I started\u201d?\r\n\r\nAnn (00:17:48):\r\n\r\nWe should be different; we should be better\u2014not better in that we have it totally figured out\u2014but better in that: \u201cMan, we've grown; we've learned. God\u2019s changing us.\u201d\r\n\r\nAbbie (00:17:55):\r\n\r\nIt's called sanctification; it\u2019s a process.\r\n\r\nAnn (00:17:57):\r\n\r\nYeah.\r\n\r\nDave (00:17:58):\r\n\r\nYou guys are a lot alike.\r\n\r\nAnn (00:18:01):\r\n\r\nDo you think so?\r\n\r\nDave (00:18:02):\r\n\r\nI feel like I could go in the production booth to just let you two talk: \u201cWhat am I doing here?\u201d \r\n\r\nBut no; even on our first date\u2014her dad was my high school coach; I was a quarterback; her brother's my center\u2014so I knew the family really well. She was the younger sister, like you said earlier, not on the air.\r\n\r\nAnn: \u2014under the bleachers. \r\n\r\nDave: \u2014under the bleachers, catching foul balls. She was the better athlete than all her brothers. Brothers, if you're listening, you know that's true. \r\n\r\nAbbie: I love it. \r\n\r\nDave: You know that's true, and they are all college athletes. \r\n\r\nBut our first date, we\u2019re sitting by the Findlay Reservoir, Findlay, Ohio. We're three years\u2014I'm older, three years\u2014I say to her\u2014I'm going into my senior year in college; she's still a senior in high school\u2014I just said, \u201cSo what do you want to do with your life?\u201d She just looks at me, and she goes, \u201cI'm following Jesus. Whatever He calls me to do, I'm in. He's called me to something. If a guy's going to be a part of it, whatever; but I don't think it has anything to do with a guy. That's where I'm going.\u201d I'm like, \u201cI'm marrying this girl!\u201d It was like, \u201cNobody had ever said,\u201d\u2014like you did on your second date\u2014\u201c\u2019This is a conviction of mine; it's important to me. Whether you like it or not, this is who I am.\u2019\u201d That's appealing to men, and to your kids: that you are a woman who knows who you are, knows who God is, knows what God calls you to do, and you're going to live that out.\r\n\r\nAnn (00:19:26):\r\n\r\nAnd you're not perfect in it, but you have strong convictions because of the Word of God and our relationship with God.\r\n\r\nAbbie (00:19:31):\r\n\r\nYeah. He's the One who gives us this.\r\n\r\nAnn (00:19:33):\r\n\r\nLet me ask you\u2014because with this book, you're getting into all kinds of areas that you've grown in\u2014but let's start because we've already hit that young moms because it can be shocking for a lot of us, as young moms. I remember saying to my dad\u2014because I was in sports my whole life, too\u2014I remember I had a colicky baby, the first one. I remember saying to him, because he asked: \u201cSo how is this? How are you doing?\u201d \u201cDad, I could go out and run a marathon today with no training; and it would be easier than what I'm doing right now at home; I\u2019m so over my head. I do not know what I'm doing, and I'm not getting sleep. I'm not liking Dave, and I'm blaming Dave.\u201d\r\n\r\nWhat about that mom who\u2019s in that right now, where everything feels overwhelming? Because you've been there a lot.\r\n\r\nAbbie: Yeah, 100 percent.\r\n\r\nDave (00:20:25):\r\n\r\nShe thinks your title is: \u201cThis Is Hard, and It's Bad,\u201d\r\n\r\nAbbie (00:20:29):\r\n\r\nOkay, so part of that is human nature. I think we naturally equate something difficult that we're going through, especially when it's unpleasant\u2014\r\n\r\nAnn (00:20:40):\r\n\r\n\u2014as bad.\r\n\r\nAbbie (00:20:40):\r\n\r\nThere are difficult\u2014I love to lift weights\u2014lifting weights is difficult, especially when you get to that point where you're in progressive overload. Your muscles are just screaming at you. I liken it to being screamed at by a colicky baby\u2014nobody likes that\u2014you're not thinking about:\u2014\r\n\r\nAnn: There's no control.\r\n\r\nAbbie: There's no control; you cannot make it stop\u2014which one thing that I always say: \u201cAnd those who have ears to hear, do hear it,\u201d\u2014is if you say you want to be like Christ, and you are a mother, be grateful that you have been given a built-in opportunity to become more like Him instead of looking at it as: \u201cHow do I get through to the easier part of this?\u201d\r\n\r\nAnn (00:21:21):\r\n\r\nAnd that's what we do: \u201cCan't wait until this stage is over.\u201d\r\n\r\nAbbie (00:21:24):\r\n\r\nYes, exactly. There's so much you miss. People are like\u2014well, I guess most people aren't like\u2014\u201cWell, easy for you to say\u201d; because I have done it so many times, I must know, at least, a little bit whereof I speak. \r\n\r\nWhat I say to those women is that: \u201cThere is no Scriptural support for saying that the current struggle that you're in now gets to define anything for you in terms of your relationship to the Lord.\u201d We are called to suffer well; we are told by Jesus that we will experience hardship. Not that we will sort of be inconvenient sometimes; or certainly not that we will be able to manifest all good things for ourselves and end up with only rainbows and butterflies. But instead, He literally tells us: \u201cIn this world, you will have trouble.\u201d That would just be depressing to end there; and instead, He follows it up with, immediately\u2014not: \u201cWallow in it\u201d; \u201cConsider yourself a victim\u201d; or \u201cGrouse to your girlfriends constantly,\u201d\u2014but: \u201cBe of good cheer,\u201d\u2014which feels like such a slap in the face when you're suffering\u2014but it comes directly from our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. We have to, then, keep going; which is, \u201cfor I have overcome the world.\u201d You have to find the practical ways that actually means something to you.\r\n\r\nAnn (00:22:46):\r\n\r\nSomebody's saying right now, \u201cHow do I be of good cheer when I haven't slept? I have a\u2014\r\n\r\nDave (00:22:50):\r\n\r\nWell, your opening chapter\u2014you described it so well\u2014I don't know what her name was, crying in the car seat\u2014crawling out of the car seat.\r\n\r\nAnn (00:22:58):\r\n\r\nThat right there\u2014take us back to that day\u2014because I'm like, \u201cThat is being a mom.\u201d\r\n\r\nAbbie (00:23:03):\r\n\r\nSo to touch on the thing you said about twins\u2014way back, when you're like, \u201cOne set of twins; oh, my goodness, that's enough,\u201d\u2014and here I am, thinking I\u2019m open-handed; but not having a clue what the Lord's going to do. The one little caveat I was pulling aside was: \u201cDo not give me multiples, Lord.\u201d\r\n\r\nAnn: You said that? \r\n\r\nAbbie: Oh, yes; I was like, \u201cLord Jesus, I am 22 years old. Twins sound miserable. That just sounds like: \u2018How would you ever do anything but feed them, and change diapers, and never sleep?\u2019\u201d\u2014which did not\/ I mean, was somewhat my reality; but somewhat, not. Evie and Nola, my first set of twins\u2014because I have two.\r\n\r\nAnn: Two sets of twins; and this isn't because you had any hormones, any kind of artificial\u2014\r\n\r\nAbbie: No; in fact, the Lord has such a great sense of humor. Both of my sets of twins, as far as we know, are identical. That's more unusual than fraternal twins. They are a gift. They do not come from heredity. They do not come from, I mean, I guess something could happen with hormones, but we weren't taking any. It's where you have one baby splits into two. I think it's one in a thousand births or something like that. \r\n\r\nScience has never found any connection between a particular woman and having identical sets of twins, so to have one is pretty random. You're unusual to have two sets who are both identical. The way that\u2014we've never had them genetically tested\u2014but there's only one placenta both times, so your body only prepared for one baby. That's a pretty good scientific indication. It\u2019s very unusual. \r\n\r\nAnd then, we actually had another twin pregnancy right after our first twin pregnancy. We lost my son, Theo's identical twin brother\u2014because there was only one placenta\u2014to something called Vanishing Twin Syndrome, which we would've never known there was another baby. But after having a set of twins\u2014that we didn't find out until 19 weeks\u2014we were like, \u201cWe're having an early sonogram and seeing what's going on in there so we can just be mentally prepared.\u201d The sonographer was able to see a shadow where the baby had been\u2014even measured the shadow\u2014and know that the baby had died three weeks before. I've actually been pregnant with identical twins three separate times; two live births of both of them surviving. \r\n\r\nMy husband did some sort of crazy math, and it was like a one in twenty-seven million chance, according to science. I just really feel like it was the Lord's way of saying, \u201cIf you say I'm in control, you better mean it.\u201d My first set of twins were dream babies; they slept through the night by 11 weeks.\r\n\r\nAnn (00:25:45):\r\n\r\nHow many kids had you already had by that?\r\n\r\nAbbie (00:25:46):\r\n\r\nThey were my numbers four and five. And I distinctly remember lying on my husband's chest that night, in the dark, the day that we found out that it was twins and saying, \u201cFive kids is a lot of kids,\u201d\u2014the reality of that\u2014and my oldest was five.\r\n\r\nAnn (00:26:01):\r\n\r\nCome on! So the oldest kids were five\u2014what?\r\n\r\nAbbie: Five, three, and one.\r\n\r\nDave (00:26:09):\r\n\r\nYou didn't know that you were going to times that by two.\r\n\r\nAbbie (00:26:12):\r\n\r\n\u2014by two. Who knew? And my girls\u2014it was a lot of work\u2014there were a lot of kids and two babies at the same time. But we were making it work; and then, they hit toddlerhood. My one particular girl, who's the younger of them by eight whole minutes, Magnolia Claire\u2014we call her Nola, who is just a force to be reckoned with; she is such a precious girl.\r\n\r\nAnn: \u2014my mom\u2019s name. That\u2019s such a great name.\r\n\r\nAbbie (00:26:36):\r\n\r\nReally; which one?\r\n\r\nAnn (00:26:36):\r\n\r\nIt's Nola. \r\n\r\nAbbie: Oh, I love it; it's so unusual. It's very rare; I love that. \r\n\r\nShe just was\u2014and seeing how deeply she feels things and how she charges through life now in such a productive and cool way, you're like, \u201cOkay, this is where this was going.\u201d But at three\u2014two and three quarters\u2014is when they went off the deep end. My husband was on a wilderness trip with his dad, out of cell phone range. That just was the moment where they started screaming in the car. They had sensory issues\u2014everything just bothered them\u2014everything. I think the older one, Evie, just kind of went along with her sister; but they just tag-teamed it to such an exhausting degree.\r\n\r\nAnn (00:27:19):\r\n\r\nYou're in the car, and they're screaming.\r\n\r\nAbbie (00:27:21):\r\n\r\n\u2014every single time. I was a fitness instructor; and I taught four to five days a week, which was my outlet. \r\n\r\nAnn: Of course, I did that too. \r\n\r\nAbbie: You drive in; you get everybody. \r\n\r\nAnn: It's for your sanity. \r\n\r\nAbbie: It's for your sanity. But also, just getting five\u2014at this point, six kids; because I've had another baby; [the twins are] toddlers now\u2014out the door. Everybody has to have shoes; everybody needs to be clothed and sort of in the right mind enough to walk to the car and buckle the car seats. We would drive down\u2014we had kind of a long driveway\u2014I recruited\u2014I talk about this in the book\u2014I recruited the kids; we would help distract them. I would be almost to the end of the driveway, and I wouldn't hear any spitting noises behind me yet. I'd be like, \u201cLord, maybe today\/maybe today's the day that I don't get screamed at for the next 30 minutes\u201d; everybody else loses a little bit of their hearing. And then, you'd hear this\u2014[huffing sound]\u2014and it would get louder, and louder, and louder! They would both take off.\r\n\r\nAnn (00:28:19):\r\n\r\nOh, my word. What kind of vehicle did you have?\r\n\r\nAbbie (00:28:21):\r\n\r\nAt that time, I was in a Honda Odyssey with every single seat filled; it was so crammed. And then, somewhere in the midst of that, we switched to a 12-passenger van; but we were pretty on top of each other.\r\n\r\nAnn (00:28:34):\r\n\r\nSo who was trying to get out? Didn't you say that they could get out of their car seats?\r\n\r\nAbbie (00:28:37):\r\n\r\nThe situation that I described in the beginning of this book is Nola, on the way home. I had taken just her so that everybody could get a break. She was wonderful, but also just a lot. I'm like, \u201cYou're just coming with me to the gym.\u201d My husband was home; the rest of the kids were home. On the way home, she started getting upset about the buckles. It was a sensory thing to a very great extent, but you can't do anything about it because they have to be in a car seat. She contortions herself out of this seat; I don't even know how. I pulled over five times; re-buckled it.\r\n\r\nAnn (00:29:11):\r\n\r\nNo, you didn\u2019t.\r\n\r\nAbbie (00:29:12):\r\n\r\nCinched it down to where she ended up having marks on her neck; she was writhing around so hard. I had to get it tighter than norma.\r\n\r\nAnn: \u2014to be safe. \r\n\r\nAbbie: I was afraid she was going to be out and climbing over the front seat, and she will not calm down. I remember I would just knock my head against the window\u2014just bonk my head against the window\u2014it was almost like a sensory thing for me to be like, \u201cI can't throw things and scream.\u201d\r\n\r\nAnn (00:29:43):\r\n\r\nSo this is what you're talking about when it's hard. And some people would say, \u201cThat sounds bad.\u201d But you're saying, \u201cNo, I\u2019ve learned a lot!\u201d\r\n\r\nAbbie (00:29:51):\r\n\r\nOh, my word; if I had not gone through that with the twin girls, some of the things my future children did would have turned me inside out, just like they did. Instead, I'm like, \u201cWhat you got? There's not two of you,\u201d\u2014until there were again\u2014because my last two, my four year olds are also twins; twin boys.\r\n\r\nAnn (00:30:13):\r\n\r\nYeah. What are the ages?\u2014the age span\u2014your youngest is how old?\r\n\r\nAbbie (00:30:16):\r\n\r\nThey are four-year-old twin boys; and then, it's all the way up to nineteen. I had ten kids in fourteen years.\r\n\r\nDave (00:30:26):\r\n\r\nWow. So how does a mom and a dad\u2014a person\u2014shift? How do you make this shift?\u2014the perspective shift from: \u201cThis is hard, but it's not bad,\u201d or that \u201cI'm losing my mind; and I'm screaming and yelling, and I can't find any joy in this.\u201d\r\n\r\nAnn (00:30:44):\r\n\r\nI still have the head thing\u2014 \r\n\r\nDave: \u2014predicament.\r\n\r\nAnn: \u2014banging against the window [image in my mind]. \r\n\r\n \r\n\r\nAbbie (00:30:46):\r\n\r\nIt helped. I don't know why it helped, but it helped. \r\n\r\nYou can't do it without God's Word and His Holy Spirit.\r\n\r\nDave (00:30:53):\r\n\r\nI agree.\r\n\r\nAbbie (00:30:54):\r\n\r\nI do think that there are people, who don't have Jesus, who can have that common grace thing\u2014they have some self-discipline; they have systems in place; they get outside help; they get organized\u2014and then, you can function. But the joy comes from the Holy Spirit; it is a fruit of the Spirit. \r\n\r\nAnn (00:31:12):\r\n\r\nBut Abbie, how are you doing that? People are like, \u201cWait, you've got all these kids under five. How do you have God and the Holy Spirit? When do you have time for Jesus?\u201d\r\n\r\nDave (00:31:20):\r\n\r\nWhat? Do you think He left the room?\r\n\r\nAnn (00:31:22):\r\n\r\nNo, I know He didn't. But we feel like He's left the room sometimes.\r\n\r\nAbbie (00:31:25):\r\n\r\nWell, we are told to pray without ceasing. I have prayed so many\u2014just talking\u2014my kids walk in on me, just talking to myself. I'm really talking to the Lord while I am doing laundry, while I am wiping bottoms, while I am bathing children. Of course, there's the ongoing conversation.\r\n\r\nBut I also like to teach some of my younger children who have struggled with anger or sensory issues, something I call bullet prayers, where it is just a simple shot to heaven: \u201cJesus, I don't have any patience. Can You please give me some patience right now?\u201d He usually gives you more opportunities to practice when you ask things like that.\r\n\r\nAnn (00:31:59):\r\n\r\nAnd you'll pray that out loud?\r\n\r\nAbbie (00:32:00):\r\n\r\nYeah; it's really good for your kids to see you talking to the Lord, to see you desperate for the Lord rather than just desperate. I always tell moms that there is this misconception about reading our Bibles: that we need to get up at 5:00 am; we need to have color-coordinated pens; we need to have hot coffee; we need to have worship music playing in the background\u2014\r\n\r\nAnn: \u2014special chair\r\n\r\nAbbie: \u2014a special chair, and a special blinky. Listen, if we have to have all those things\u2014and we got to remember where they all are, because the kids scattered them around the house at some point in your special spot\u2014that they're like: \u201c\u2019Special\u2019; so I want to play with it.\u201d If you have to have all those things, you'll never do it; or the baby's not sleeping and 5:00 am is a ridiculous idea. Don't do that to yourself. Read God's Word aloud to your children. Put on songs that have pure Scripture in them in the kitchen while you make breakfast. \r\n\r\nAnn: What are some of those? \r\n\r\nAbbie: Seeds Family Worship is a great option.\r\n\r\nAnn: I was going to say, \u201cSo good.\u201d\r\n\r\nAbbie: Steve Green's\u2014hide God's Word in your heart\u2014or Hide \u2018Em in Your Heart is old school; but it's Scripture.\r\n\r\nAnn (00:33:04):\r\n\r\nEllie Holcomb has some too that are great: Scripture.\r\n\r\nAbbie (00:33:06):\r\n\r\nShane &amp;amp; Shane does a whole lot of Scripture. Find those good theologically-sound, Scripture-based resources that don't require more effort from you. Say, \u201cAlexa, play Shane &amp;amp; Shane,\u201d\u2014instead of\u2014\"Alexa, play Baby Shark,\u201d for the 456th time. It takes a little bit of intentionality or memorizing God's Word with your kids. I know people who do motions and songs, and that's amazing; and I love it. \r\n\r\nI don't\u2014\r\n\r\nI say, \u201cOkay, do everything without complaining or arguing,\u201d\u2014\u201cNow, you guys say, \u2018Do everything without complaining or arguing.\u2019\u201d \r\n\r\n[Adult voice] \u201cGive thanks in all circumstances,\u201d\u2014[Child\u2019s voice] \u201cGive thanks in all circumstances.\u201d \r\n\r\n[Adult voice] \u201cfor this is the will of God for you in Christ Jesus,\u201d\u2014[Child\u2019s voice] \u201cfor this is the will\u2026\u201d We just keep repeating it until we've got it. We've memorized whole chapters together that way. \r\n\r\nMy mom did the same for us. I think we overthink things, and we also think that certain things don't count.\r\n\r\nAnn (00:34:00):\r\n\r\n\u2014and they have to look a certain way.\r\n\r\nAbbie (00:34:01):\r\n\r\n\u2014and they have to look a certain way. \r\n\r\nBut our family Bible reading, which my husband leads now, looks a little bit like a circus sometimes. We have a very open-plan house on purpose; because we want to be able to be all in a big room together. There's a lot of us, so the kitchen bleeds into the living room. I'm in the kitchen, making eggs and making a bunch of noise; and \u201cHey, can you say that again? I didn't hear you!\u201d And then, the little boys are asking me questions; and I'm shushing them. The older kids are half-awake, because they don't want to get up at 7:30 and do Bible reading. They like Bible reading; they actually\/my older children all read their Bibles on their own in the evenings. And people always ask me how I \u201cgot them to do that.\u201d I didn\u2019t; actually, we don't require that of them. I'm so grateful that they have chosen that.\r\n\r\nAnn (00:34:47):\r\n\r\nAnd they're not on screens, and you don't have TV on in the evenings.\r\n\r\nAbbie (00:34:51):\r\n\r\nSometimes, if we watch movies together as a family or something. But this is like when they go to bed. They go get in bed\u2014\r\n\r\nAnn (00:34:58):\r\n\r\nOkay; they're in bed; they read the Bible.\r\n\r\nAbbie (00:34:59):\r\n\r\nAnd an older one will read it to her younger sisters, and that kind of thing. \r\n\r\nAnn: How sweet.\r\n\r\nAbbie: They're all in the same [room] because we actually have a boy wing and a girl ring in our house. I mentioned that my husband built houses. His dad owned a construction company, and he worked with him. They worked together to build two of our houses, completely from scratch\u2014everything:, electrical, plumbing, siding, framing, flooring\u2014everything. We built a boy's wing, which has four bunks in it; and then, a room in front that can be converted to a bedroom if we need to. And a girl's wing that has four bunks in it. \r\n\r\nThey'll sit in there and read the Bibles at night; and sometimes, they're way too late. I'll be like, \u201cWhat are y'all doing up?\u201d They're like: \u201cWe haven't read our Bibles yet.\u201d I'm sure they skip some nights\u2014it's not about legalism\u2014it's about the heart of thinking that God's Word is living and active. It never returns void, and it has everything we need for life and godliness. So of course, we prioritize it; and of course, we use it as our foundation for everything.\r\n\r\nAnn (00:35:59):\r\n\r\nLet me ask you\u2014because one of the things that stopped me, as I was reading it, that you said you don't even focus that much on all the stuff\u2014the little kids are like the hard part of it\u2014because it doesn't seem as hard anymore. Is that kind of what you said?\u2014something like: \u201cWhen I think about the younger kids, that's not even a thing now. I'm more focused on\u201d\u2014[I\u2019m hearing]: \u201cIt's nothing.\u201d Does it get easier now that you've had these kids?\u2014and the little ones, you\u2019re like you've learned so much about it?\r\n\r\nAbbie (00:36:32):\r\n\r\nYes and no. I would say that, interestingly enough, my last two have probably been my clingiest probably because they haven't had a baby to kick them out of the baby status. They have not been, I think that there is a hope that, when you have another child\u2014if you choose to have another child; the Lord gives you another child\u2014that \u201cThis will be the easy one\u201d; and that they'll just progressively get easier. But I haven't found that to be the case.\r\n\r\nAnn (00:37:02):\r\n\r\nYou haven't?\r\n\r\nAbbie (00:37:03):\r\n\r\nNo; I've had the three that have been just really easy toddlers\u2014just easy-going, cheerful\u2014\"We're going here,\u201d \u201cGreat; I'm good.\u201d \u201cWe're going here; we're doing this,\u201d \u201cI'm happy.\u201d \r\n\r\nI've had seven, who have been challenging for various reasons in various ways. My last two were challenging because they were obsessed with me. I nursed them until they were two years\/two years and nine months old\u2014longest I've ever nursed babies.\r\n\r\nAnn (00:37:32):\r\n\r\nProbably like Hannah with Samuel. She probably went longer, actually. Who knows.\r\n\r\nAbbie (00:37:35):\r\n\r\nYeah; probably did, honestly. \r\n\r\nWe took a huge family trip two years ago to Europe for 45 days; all of us went. \r\n\r\nAnn: What?!\r\n\r\nAbbie: Yes, it was wonderful. And things could not have gone better. Our weather was perfect; we were all safe. It was such an enjoyable experience. You can say it was such an enjoyable experience; and also, \u201cThat was really hard. There was a lot of moving\/there were a lot of moving pieces.\u201d Two of the moving pieces constantly were keeping two-year-olds, who were very out of their element with life.\r\n\r\nAnn (00:38:13):\r\n\r\nI can't even imagine.\r\n\r\nAbbie (00:38:14):\r\n\r\nIt was a constant family-working-together thing. But here's what I don't want: I don't want my older kids to get to parenting, and go, \u201cWhat, in the actual world? She never told us about any of this.\u201d They are never the parent. There's a whole conversation about parentification\u2014\u201cIf you ask your kids to be participants in your home, or ever play with their siblings, or watch them, or help them with something, you're making them the parent,\u201d\u2014that is absolute nonsense. We know the difference between helping someone do something for 30 minutes and being in charge of their entire lives.\r\n\r\nAnn (00:38:50):\r\n\r\nThat's good.\r\n\r\nAbbie (00:38:51):\r\n\r\nI do think that we rob our kids of an incredible opportunity to\u2014like it talks about in Philippians 2:4\u2014\u201cConsider others as more important than yourselves. Look not only to your own needs but to the needs of others.\u201d If we are called to love God and love our neighbors, we better start with the neighbors who live in our own home. Loving means giving of ourselves: not just prioritizing what we want to do; and never being inconvenienced by our siblings, or our parents, or the neighbors outside our doors. \r\n\r\nWhen you said, \u201cIs it just kind of like you just roll with it now?\u201d Yes, in some ways; but also, the Lord gave us two very clingy, needy little boys at the end. They are still some of our rascalliest in some ways\u2014just to come up with a word\u2014but it doesn't faze me like it used to.\r\n\r\nAnn: Maybe, that's the difference. \r\n\r\nAbbie: It still requires a great deal of effort and focus. In fact, I would say they were my biggest focus in the last four years\u2014while also, not ignoring my older children, of course\u2014but they took the most mental, emotional, and physical energy.\r\n\r\nAnn (00:39:57):\r\n\r\n\u2014your time and energy.\r\n\r\nAbbie (00:39:58):\r\n\r\nYeah, they were with me all the time. If I was going somewhere, they were with me. Whereas, the older kids can stay home. I get them started on math, and they can do math while I take the little babies\u2014who are going to distract the tar out of them\u2014to the gym with me, teach a class, pick up some groceries, come back; and then, we just roll with our day. The babies go down for naps. We literally still call them \u201cthe babies\u201d; because they are the babies of our family, even though they're four-and-a-half. \r\n\r\nIt is still like we are going to be giving of ourselves and pouring ourselves, like \r\n\r\nRomans 12:1 says: \u201cOffer yourselves\/offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God for this is your spiritual act of worship.\u201d Again, whereas the culture tells us: \u201cYou should kind of try to skate through motherhood as much as possible without letting it faze you too much. Because if you don't\u2026\u201d\u2014I literally just came across an account the other day that was doing some fitness stuff. The fitness stuff had a spinoff account, and it was called something about \u201cSelfish Motherhood.\u201d It was the idea that you put yourself first or you won't be able to prioritize anyone else, which is the opposite of what Philippians 2:4 says.\r\n\r\nAnn: Wow.\r\n\r\n(00:41:07)\r\n\r\nAnd this wasn't a Christian.\r\n\r\nAnn: It's kind of that the twisted self-care thing. \r\n\r\nAbbie: Exactly; in my first book, M Is for Mama, I have a whole chapter called \u201cSelf-care Versus Soul Care,\u201d where it's like\u2014my nails are done right now; I'm wearing jewelry; my makeup is done\u2014I'm not at home with my children currently. Clearly, it's not just this absolute slog\u2014that you never, ever come up for breath from; and help is always wanted and accepted\u2014but when you make it about you first\u2014rather than saying, \u201cLord, what do You have for me?\u201d\u2014a lot of times you just create this void. No amount of treats and drinks out with girlfriends, or whatever\u2014all the world tells us that we need to survive\u2014or Starbucks or Target runs or just kind of the things that are the social media memes; they don't fill it.\r\n\r\nAnn (00:41:58):\r\n\r\nI think, too\u2014because we're in that area\u2014it's so easy to be on social media. We get into the comparison mode. Man, it's really easy to fall down that valley\u2014when you're a parent, when you're a mom\u2014and you're looking at other lives; or you're looking at other moms, who seem like they've got it all together; or they are having their me-time\u2014you're like, \u201cI haven't gone to the bathroom by myself in five years.\u201d\r\n\r\nDave (00:42:23):\r\n\r\nHonestly, I'm listening to this conversation. I'm thinking you're the one they're comparing themselves to.\r\n\r\nAnn (00:42:27):\r\n\r\nYeah!\r\n\r\nDave (00:42:28):\r\n\r\nYou are remarkable in terms of what you do\u2014 \r\n\r\nAnn (00:42:32):\r\n\r\n\u2014the capacity that Gods given you. \r\n\r\nDave (00:42:33):\r\n\r\n\u2014and accomplish. I\u2019m thinking the average mom is like: \u201cShe writes books; she homeschools; she teaches fitness; she has ten kids,\u201d\u2014blah, blah, blah\u2014\"builds homes.\u201d It's awesome; but the average mom is probably like, \u201cIt's unattainable.\u201d And you're saying, \u201cNo, it isn't unattainable.\u201d\r\n\r\nAbbie (00:42:49):\r\n\r\nRight; because your version\u2014no matter what it is\u2014is not less than; it's only different. If you're saying, \u201cI bake bread in my home and have people over,\u201d\u2014\u201cGlory be to God; that is what He has called you to do; be faithful in that.\u201d \r\n\r\nAlso, you've probably heard somewhere this idea of: \u201cNever compare your beginning or middle to someone else who's farther down the line.\u201d I did some of these things like the fitness instructing\u2014which again, it's only hard and bad in our brains when it's something hard that we don't enjoy\u2014like I was giving you. I like exercising.\r\n\r\nAnn: It's fun. \r\n\r\nAbbie: If someone doesn't like exercising, they can't relate. \r\n\r\nI don't like gardening\u2014I want to like gardening\u2014but I don't like gardening. I'm terrible about outdoor plant stuff. Someone who\u2019s just out there\u2014my sister-in-law\u2014planted this gorgeous garden. You know what my first impulse, when I walked into this gorgeous garden, was? One, to praise her; two, to be like, \u201cOh, no; I'm failing. I got to get on this.\u201d And then, I stepped back. Because I'm 42 now\u2014and I have more sense than I did when I was 20 and was trying to do all the things at the same time\u2014I go, \u201cExactly in what time would you do this, Abbie?\u2014it's taken\u2014the Lord hasn\u2019t put that in your path, so keep going down that path that you have. Let her be amazing in this, and cheer for her; because the Lord has gifted her in this. And then, grow in it when you get an opportunity, a little space of time.\u201d\r\n\r\nAnn (00:44:30):\r\n\r\nIt's a lot like the Proverbs 31 woman. I used to read that and be overwhelmed with all the things that she did. [Rather]: \u201cNo, that's her lifespan.\u201d\r\n\r\nAbbie (00:44:37):\r\n\r\nShe's a prototype, too.\r\n\r\nAnn (00:44:38):\r\n\r\nYes, exactly. They're not describing this one particular woman.\r\n\r\nAbbie (00:44:43):\r\n\r\nYeah. They're describing things that you can do to rise up and be called blessed for doing, like taking care of your family well: looking well to the ways of your household, economically, and being frugal and wise; and making good choices; and honoring your husband. You see her doing all of those things. \r\n\r\nBut I'm never playing pickleball, being a fitness instructor, writing a book, and teaching math at the same time.\r\n\r\nAnn (00:45:08):\r\n\r\n\u2014the same time; exactly.\r\n\r\nAbbie (00:45:09):\r\n\r\nI didn't publish a book until I was 39. I always say, \u201cI'm just a highly pragmatic person. I don't do \u2018dreams.\u2019 I don't set goals. I'm not someone who\u2019s like, \u2018In five years, I will have sold this many books.\u2019\u201d The Bible tells us you don't know where you're going to be tomorrow, and the Lord is the One who counts the hairs on your head and gives you the next breath in your body. It talks about in James that you say, \u201cIf the Lord wills, we will do this or that, and go.\u201d How presumptuous of me to say, \u201cIn five years, I know I'm going to be killing it in this.\u201d One, I don't care; I actually don't care. Sure, numbers are nice; but if I'm killing it, and I have made that happen outside of the Lord's will for my life, shame on me.\r\n\r\nAnn (00:45:55):\r\n\r\nAnd your kids are miserable\u2014\r\n\r\nAbbie: \u2014and my kids are miserable.\r\n\r\nAnn: \u2014because you spent so much time away that you're not around them.\r\n\r\nDave (00:46:00):\r\n\r\nNow, do you do the same thing with your kids, not set goals?\u2014\u201cThey're going to be doing this in two years.\u201d\r\n\r\nAbbie (00:46:06):\r\n\r\nOh, gosh; no!\r\n\r\nDave (00:46:06):\r\n\r\nBecause a lot of moms live under this guilt\u2014even the sports thing\u2014what do you guys do with that?\r\n\r\nAbbie (00:46:11):\r\n\r\nWe did not do a lot of sports with our younger children; because we didn't want to spend every evening away from our home, running around. We are both very sports-minded and grew up doing a ton of sports, but we also come from much smaller families. We would do soccer in the spring. Whoever wanted to play soccer, we would all do soccer. We would run around in the yard\u2014we have a big front yard\u2014just things like that. \r\n\r\nAs our kids have gotten older\u2014particularly, my second son, Simon, who's 17 now, loves sports\u2014and we homeschool. There is a homeschool league in our area. We have a very active homeschooling community in East Texas, and there's a homeschool league that's quite competitive. He played\u2014I'm trying to remember\u2014how many players does a normal football\u2014you know this!\u2014how many players does a normal football team have that they play?\r\n\r\nDave (00:47:02):\r\n\r\nWell, you play 11 at a time.\r\n\r\nAbbie (00:47:03):\r\n\r\nOkay; so this was six-man football, I think.\r\n\r\nDave (00:47:05):\r\n\r\nOkay.\r\n\r\nAbbie (00:47:06):\r\n\r\nSo smaller. \r\n\r\nDave (00:47:06):\r\n\r\nProbably 7 man; they have 7 man.\r\n\r\nAbbie (00:47:07):\r\n\r\nOkay, that sounds good; I didn't ever count. I just needed to know who mine was out there. Two of my boys played that for a couple of years. And then, Simon has gotten really into basketball. He practices and practices and absolutely loves it. \r\n\r\nYou were talking about: \u201cDo I plan for my kids?\u201d I graduated early, and so I assumed all my kids would\u2014because who wants to [makes a noise]\u2014and would go to college. My son was on track to graduate a year early. My oldest son did graduate a year early\u2014and really was kind of unmoored for a year\u2014was like, \u201cNow, what?\u201d Because he's choosing to do computer programming. The world is changing with college, and I have no idea if any of my kids are going to college. My age\u2014back at college age\u2014it was like, \u201cOf course, you're going.\u201d And now, it's trades, and learning skills, and jumping right into earning money, which I think is really wise.\r\n\r\nDave (00:47:57):\r\n\r\n\u2014and no student debt.\r\n\r\nAbbie (00:47:58):\r\n\r\nNo student debt, exactly. My oldest is learning computer programming like his dad. But for that year after high school, where everybody else was still in school at his homeschool co-op, he was like, \u201cWhat do I do with myself?\u201d \r\n\r\nMy second-born is obsessed with sports. He wants to be an athletic trainer and wants to work with athletes. He's going to be really good at it too\u2014he's personable; he loves the burn\u2014he\u2019s very motivated and disciplined and gets after that. Here I am, thinking, \u201cHe's going to want to graduate a year early.\u201d He said, \u201cMama, please tell them I'm not a senior this year; because I want to play basketball for another year.\u201d Of course, I did that. Even the plans that I did have\u2014they changed\u2014that's what happens. \r\n\r\nAnn (00:48:38):\r\n\r\nWith ten kids\u2014I remember I'm trying to see who God made our kids to be\u2014you probably do that. It's so fun\u2014 \r\n\r\nAbbie (00:48:47):\r\n\r\nYes, it is fun. \r\n\r\nAnn (00:48:48):\r\n\r\n\u2014to discover. \r\n\r\nAbbie: It\u2019s one of my favorite things about being a mom.\r\n\r\nAnn: Me too! And that's what you've done\u2014you haven't made your kids become something\u2014you're watching who God created them to be. \r\n\r\nAbbie (00:48:56):\r\n\r\n\u2014100 percent.\r\n\r\nAnn (00:48:56):\r\n\r\nHow did you learn that?\r\n\r\nAbbie (00:48:58):\r\n\r\nI think my parents did a good job of exemplifying that for me. Because I went to college so early, of course, she had some input on my class choices and stuff. I had no idea what I was doing. She was thinking very pragmatically. She was thinking I might be a physical therapist or a physical therapist assistant, because you have flexibility of schedule. If you become a mom, you have a good degree that you can keep and a certification, whatever all the right terms are. I was like, \u201cOkay, Mom,\u201d\u2014not so very reluctantly\u2014but just like, \u201cOkay, I'll try that.\u201d I would've been a terrible physical therapist assistant. I'm very physical\u2014but I'm not science-minded; I'm not medically-minded\u2014I don't care about that stuff. \r\n\r\nI love words and I love languages. I ended up getting a double BA in Spanish and English. Interestingly enough, the Lord has used both of those things. I have an English degree that I, 100 percent, use to write books now. And I taught high school Spanish between public, private, and homeschool co-op for a combined total of ten years. \r\n\r\nThat wasn't her plan for me; but she rolled with it when she saw the interest developing, and saw me working hard and making the grades, and getting the academic scholarships. We didn't have any money for college. I went to college for free, because we needed all the scholarships. I was grateful not to come out with student debt. But yeah, she set the example of being somewhat interest-led while having those guidelines there so you don't just completely go off the rails. \r\n\r\nAnn (00:50:37):\r\n\r\nYeah, that\u2019s good. \r\n\r\nDave: Now, how were they \u201cthe chain-breakers\u201d? You say that the first page.\r\n\r\nAbbie (00:50:42):\r\n\r\nYes, yes. The dedication to Hard Is Not the Same Thing as Bad is to my parents, who both grew up with genuinely abusive parents in some way, shape, or form. My mom grew up with physically-abusive dad and a mom\u2014who, as a result of being married to that kind of man\u2014was kind and loving in some ways; but also, just emotionally unavailable; and sometimes, didn't get out of bed. My mom literally got her hardship license at 13 years old and was driving at 14, driving everybody everywhere; working; doing all the things. She has been someone who has coped since she was very, very young; someone who has had many, many negative words spoken over her throughout her life. \r\n\r\nMy dad came from an extremely godless\u2014\r\n\r\nAnd my mom lived in the south, lived in East Texas\u2014they're going to church. I think my grandmother was a Christian. My grandfather, whom my mom chose to love instead of\u2014I think she struggled with bitterness at a certain point\u2014but this was the one who was verbally and physically abusive to her. She just felt convicted that: if the Bible says that we are to forgive because Christ has first forgiven us, that she had to do that; she had to find a way to do that. She started bringing him treats and writing him letters. He actually came to Christ on his deathbed, I'm sure, as a result of her faithfulness to show him what the love and care of Christ looks like. That was when he was in his 70s. \r\n\r\nMy dad's parents were just completely outside of God and did really damaging things\u2014all around drugs, alcohol, pornography\u2014all kinds of things. [They] divorced when he was in his teens. My dad really struggled with various things, particularly drugs in high school and college, set by this example of his parents, and no guidance and no guardrails. He is a believer, but he struggles with bipolarism. My mom has shown me what it looks like to truly, for better or for worse, walk beside someone who genuinely struggles. To see their commitment\u2014to truly following Christ when it would make so much more sense, in the world's perspective, to tap out\u2014has been so inspiring to me, despite the obvious limitations of having a dad who has been hurtful at times. I've hurt my kids sometimes; maybe, not in the same way.\r\n\r\nAnn (00:53:20):\r\n\r\nYour mom could have written the same book title, probably.\r\n\r\nAbbie (00:53:23):\r\n\r\n\u2014100 percent. She is the one who taught me that. Growing up, if something didn't go my way, my mother was never going to coddle me. She's one of my best friends in the entire world. She's so full of wisdom and grace, and she is the most servant-hearted person that I know. She comes to our house; we hire her to come to our house two days a week. People will be like, \u201cMy mom would never accept money\u201d; or things like that. I'm like, \u201cNo, we don't want her working for anyone else. She does not have the luxury of not working at 73 years old, so we will make sure that she is taken care of. We'll make sure that our children have the luxury that I didn't have.\u201d My husband had grandparents he was close to, and that was wonderful. But I didn't have either set of grandparents that I was close to because they died when I was young or because they weren't the least bit interested in me.\r\n\r\n(00:54:08)\r\n\r\nAnd they have\u2014we call her \u201cSofta,\u201d\u2014that's the Hebrew word for \u201cGrandma.\u201d They have Softa, who does anything for them; she will. She's there: that incredible luxury is just so precious. I think I say in the book that one of the most impactful things that my dad did was be willing\u2014because my mom's the one with a degree\u2014the kind of work that my dad could get was mostly blue-collar physical labor, that didn't pay a ton. There's this narrative that: \u201cYou can't possibly stay home on a really small income.\u201d \r\n\r\nBut my parents wanted to homeschool; they wanted to do something different than they had experienced. They felt that they were called to be the primary educators of their children\u2014that what God talks about in Deuteronomy 6:6-8, that we are to teach the ways of God to our children as we walk, sit down, stand\u2014they couldn't make the math work to do that the way that they wanted to do\u2014with their children at home with them. When I say, \u201cthem,\u201d I mean my mom. My dad would drive an hour one way to a job; he worked for 12 hours; and then, drive an hour home.\r\n\r\nAnn (00:55:13):\r\n\r\nWow.\r\n\r\nAbbie (00:55:13):\r\n\r\nWe didn't see him most weekdays for very long at all. That, in and of itself, is maybe a little bit of a mercy; because his personality wasn't as naturally loving and nurturing as my mom's. But he showed up at\u2014he would come home from a shift and show up at my soccer game and cheer\u2014and that's what he could do. I think that there is great mercy from the Lord when we show up with what He's given us and give it to Him the best way we know how, even if it's very, very imperfect here on this earth. My upbringing\u2014while not smooth sailing\u2014was so different than theirs. They absolutely chose to break generational curses\u2014\r\n\r\nAnn (00:55:58):\r\n\r\nSo sweet.\r\n\r\nAbbie (00:55:58):\r\n\r\n\u2014of neglect and abuse. We get to benefit from that and continue passing that down to our children.\r\n\r\nAnn (00:56:03):\r\n\r\nSo you've had to forgive your dad.\r\n\r\nAbbie (00:56:07):\r\n\r\nYeah.\r\n\r\nAnn (00:56:08):\r\n\r\nWhat did that look like, in the midst of\u2014and how old were you?\r\n\r\nAbbie (00:56:13):\r\n\r\nI can't tell you the exact moment when I realized that I didn't hate him any longer because\u2014\r\n\r\nAnn (00:56:20):\r\n\r\nSo you did hate him, though.\r\n\r\nAbbie (00:56:21):\r\n\r\nI really feel like that's probably, regrettably, the best word for how I felt toward him sometimes: strong bitterness and resentment. \r\n\r\nAnn (00:56:31):\r\n\r\nBecause you just described him like: \u201cHe's a good man. He was faithful in terms of working\u201d; but there was a \u201cbut\u201d in there.\r\n\r\nAbbie (00:56:39):\r\n\r\nYeah; he was not enjoyable to be around, and he was not kind to my mom. Here I am, raised by this woman whom I idolize. A person [Abbie\u2019s dad], who is having a manic episode, is not in complete control of themselves. Being able to see that happen has given me great compassion for other people who struggle; it's not something I would wish on anybody. He just has a tendency toward: \u201cWe're doing it this way,\u201d and \u201cIt has to be this way.\u201d \r\n\r\nI am very careful not to just pass out details, willy nilly\u2014because I have no business doing so\u2014that's not honoring to my father. You don't need to know the details to know that it was a struggle. Someone, who\u2019s just like, \u201cOh, so your dad had hard lines; and you just had to stick to them. Well, poor you.\u201d No, it was more than that; and I don't feel called to share specifics.\r\n\r\nAnn (00:57:45):\r\n\r\n\u2014because he's living, and because you're trying to honor your mom and dad.\r\n\r\nAbbie (00:57:48):\r\n\r\nYeah, we are called to do that as the first commandment with a promise that it may go well with you and that you may live long on the earth. I don't want to violate what they deserve, biblically, as my parents in terms of honor; nor do I want to endanger myself, biblically. But just know that there were times of deep hurt\u2014words said, actions done\u2014that I found myself very, very angry that he was \u201cgetting away with it.\u201d It's very hard to hold someone\u2014who, to some extent, doesn't even remember some of the things that they did in the same way that you do; or in the same way that's actually factual\u2014accountable. \r\n\r\nAgain, they're hurting someone I love; they're being a source of stress to someone that I adore. You take up that cause, which we are actually called, Scripturally, not to do. We are told to fight injustice and to stand up for those who are helpless. But my mom's not helpless; she has Christ as her guide, and she knows what she's committed to. I had to really wrestle with a reckoning of which things were my burdens to bear, my offenses to forgive; and which things I was taking on that were not mine, just because I felt like I had a right to be angry because this was wrong. I would say early 30s, somewhere in that range.\r\n\r\nAnn (00:59:24):\r\n\r\nWell, even your chapter title about this\u2014\u201cThe Hard Work of Forgiveness\u201d\u2014has the power to change the way we mother. You're saying: \u201cBecause I forgave my dad and, if I hadn't forgiven my dad, it would affect the way you parent.\u201d\r\n\r\nAbbie (00:59:41):\r\n\r\n\u2014100 percent. I don't think there's any way to live in constant bitterness, especially if you're justifying it. I will say this\u2014not really in defense, but I was struggling with it\u2014I knew that my anger towards my dad, my resentment toward him, was not right. There are journals full, and so many tears and prayers prayed: \u201cLord, take this away, please. I don't want to feel this way.\u201d He ultimately did; but I think it was\u2014I say the hard work of forgiveness is ongoing; it's a process\u2014he's still capable of doing things that get my back up; but I'm able to stand outside it, and say, \u201cThis really doesn't have anything to do with you.\u201d\r\n\r\nAnn (01:00:26):\r\n\r\nThat's so good.\r\n\r\nAbbie (01:00:27):\r\n\r\nIt's not about me; he doesn't hate me. He's not trying to hurt me, specifically. Even if he is, that's between him and the Lord. I have just seen\u2014I talk about this in the chapter\u2014my mom tells me how he prays for us every single day.\r\n\r\nAnn (01:00:44):\r\n\r\nReally?\r\n\r\nAbbie (01:00:44):\r\n\r\nYeah; he's a genuine believer. He knows God's Word better than almost anyone I know; and yet, he still struggles. We see that with Paul: \u201cThe things I want to do are not the things that I do. The things that I don't want to do, I keep doing those. Who can save me? What a wretched man am I. Praise God that the answer is Jesus.\u201d\r\n\r\nAnn: That\u2019s so good.\r\n\r\nDave (01:01:02):\r\n\r\nYeah. Our listeners have heard my story, but it's very similar. I didn't realize\u2014I was mid-30s\u2014I had anger; I had bitterness that was coming out toward my boys and Ann that was really directed toward my dad. And when I went through that forgiveness journey\u2014which didn't take a day; it took years\u2014I think it set me free to be the dad\u2014\r\n\r\nAnn (01:01:24):\r\n\r\nIt did set you free.\r\n\r\nDave (01:01:24):\r\n\r\n\u2014and husband that they deserved. \r\n\r\nAnn: Totally.\r\n\r\nDave: I was locked up. Lewis Smedes says in a book, generations ago, Forgive and Forget: \u201cWhen you forgive someone, you set a prisoner free, only to realize you're the prisoner.\u201d\r\n\r\nAbbie (01:01:38):\r\n\r\nYeah, absolutely.\r\n\r\nDave (01:01:39):\r\n\r\nThat was me; sounds like you had a similar thing. \r\n\r\nSo now, as a mom with that sort of freedom, how has it made you different as a mother?\r\n\r\nAbbie (01:01:51):\r\n\r\nWell, there are times that I wonder if my children's childhood is too ideal; because their daddy is naturally patient and kind. I am certainly fallible and have had to learn patience and less harshness, which I inherit from my dad; I don't inherit that from my mom. I inherit common sense and no-nonsense pragmatism\u2014all that\u2014from probably both of them; but particularly, from my mom. I've had to learn to soften things\u2014and to recognize when it's a strength and when it's a weakness\u2014I don't want to perpetuate and hand down. \r\n\r\nSomeone can be like, \u201cWow; [I] think [I\u2019m] a really good parent, that [my] kids' lives are ideal.\u201d I think a little struggle is good for our kids to grow up with some sort of adversity in their lives.\r\n\r\nAnn (01:02:40):\r\n\r\nIt's your title of your book: Hard Is Not the Same Thing as Bad. Sometimes, when our kids struggle,\u2014\r\n\r\nDave (01:02:46):\r\n\r\nCharacter is developed in adversity.\r\n\r\nAnn: Yes.\r\n\r\nAbbie (01:02:48):\r\n\r\nI know that was true for me even when, obviously, I was still struggling with a lot of character growth. We talk about things in our household\u2014not delve into all the details\u2014but even now, they'll see my dad in an episode and tell me something he said or whatever. I'm able to say, \u201cOkay, I understand Saba is struggling, but what was your response? How can we be gracious to that?\u201d\r\n\r\nAnn (01:03:15):\r\n\r\nYes, that\u2019s good; instead of just judging. I think what, in the world, we can do is we stick up for our kids\u2014we become protective, which we need to protect\u2014but we can so judge the other person, without thinking, \u201cWhat could my response be?\u201d\r\n\r\nAbbie (01:03:31):\r\n\r\nRight. I started to say that earlier: that my mom refused to coddle me. I think she was probably thinking, \u201cIf your life goes similar to mine, and it will not have served you well to be coddled.\u201d But she would always say\u2014silly example: homeschool play\u2014the mom picked her daughter\u2014nepotism\u2014it happens. Of course, I wanted the part. She didn't go: \u201cYou should have gotten that part,\u201d \u201cYou deserved it; you were better,\u201d \u201cThat was not fair.\u201d She said, \u201cI'm sorry that happened, but dig deep into Jesus.\u201d That was always the response. \r\n\r\nAnn (01:04:11):\r\n\r\nOh, my goodness; I would've been like that: \u201cThe teacher's so wrong!\u201d\r\n\r\nAbbie: She refused.\r\n\r\nAnn: Wow! \r\n\r\n \r\n\r\nAbbie (01:04:12):\r\n\r\nI never grew up with this concept that I was owed something; my mom held that way out of the way.\r\n\r\nAnn (01:04:18):\r\n\r\n\u2014the entitlement piece.\r\n\r\nAbbie (01:04:19):\r\n\r\nNever. Giving our kids the opportunity to look at the heart of what's happening\u2014especially, their own hearts\u2014and being honest about our own hearts. I talk about things that I learned in M Is for Mama. I have this chapter called \u201cThe Gentleness Challenge.\u201d After baby number eight, I think my hormones were pretty out of whack. I was dealing with something called postpartum rage, without even knowing there was a name for it. \r\n\r\nAnn (01:04:46):\r\n\r\nI haven\u2019t heard that before\r\n\r\nAbbie (01:04:47):\r\n\r\nWell, I think they just name everything now. It's, basically\u2014\r\n\r\nAnn: We all know what it means.\r\n\r\nAbbie: Right. I had gone through periods of irritability; but this was intense, and it wasn't abating. I was just annoyed all the time: harsh words, blame, noticing\/faulting; because I felt so justified in it\u2014that\u2019s the thing\u2014in that moment, it feels like the truth, which is why we can never relay on our emotions to speak truth.\r\n\r\nAnn (01:05:15):\r\n\r\nThat's true in marriage too\/parenting: \u201cThey [emotions] are wrong; that is the truth.\u201d \r\n\r\nAbbie (01:05:20):\r\n\r\n\u2014[emotions] that\u2019s in your head, yeah. \r\n\r\nIt kind of came to a head one day, where we were having people over for small group from church that night. I was lying down for a nap. I had a baby and seven other children. I had given them their list of things to do; we do this stuff all the time. I came down, and the first thing I saw on the stair was the thing that I had asked them to move. That was it: \u201cI asked you to do this. You didn't do it well. This is disrespectful.\u201d I'm ranting at them. \r\n\r\nMy husband, who has been through the postpartum with me at a time or two at this point, is recognizing, \u201cShe's struggling.\u201d So, so kindly, he sat me down; and he said, \u201cI know that that was hard. You have people coming over, and you're stressed. You're not getting a lot of sleep, and you have a lot in your life. But they didn't do that on purpose; they're just kids. We can practice again later.\u201d It was all stuff that I was like: \u201cHe's right; he's right; he's right; he's right.\u201d I already knew that\u2014that's what the Holy Spirit is telling me\u2014while my flesh is saying, \u201cYou are justified to lose it on your kids.\u201d Of course, the shame that immediately follows when you know you've overreacted just crushes you; but you get in a cycle that you feel like you cannot get out of. \r\n\r\nHe said, \u201cI'm praying for you. We need to pray together, but we need to work on this,\u201d\u2014which was so kind of him to say, because he wasn't the one struggling with this. He was willing to be in it with me, and not condemn me, which is so kind and so needed in marriage. I think it was that day or the next day, this idea just uploaded into my brain\u2014it wasn't from me; it was, literally, from the Lord\u2014\u201cYou're going to do a challenge with your family for 30 days. You're going to tell them you're doing it, where you will speak only kind words or you'll keep your mouth shut. You will memorize Scripture on the topic together, as a family; and you'll ask for the Lord's help and their help to keep you accountable. When you mess up, you'll apologize immediately and repent.\u201d \r\n\r\nFor 30 days, with my kids' help\u2014and my oldest son, who is critical by nature, because his parents are critical by nature; and he's the firstborn, and he's the rule-follower and the responsible one\u2014he was noticing everything. I could tell he was keeping his mouth shut, but he was starting to resent me; because I was consistently not reacting to adversity with kindness or equilibrium.\r\n\r\nAnn: You\u2019re just hard on everybody. \r\n\r\nAbbie: Sometimes, it was as simple as\u2014\u201cGet a snack, Abbie. Come on; your glycemic index is not good at the moment. Get some calories in you,\u201d\u2014combat the physiological aspects. For 30 days, I worked on this.\r\n\r\nAnn (01:08:06):\r\n\r\nOkay, wait; so you bring the whole family in. \r\n\r\nAbbie: Yeah. \r\n\r\nAnn: You say, \u201cHey, guys, here's what's happening\u2026\u201d\r\n\r\nAbbie (01:08:13):\r\n\r\nYes; acknowledge that I was doing wrong.\r\n\r\nAnn (01:08:13):\r\n\r\nSo you're admitting; you're kind of confessing:\u2014\r\n\r\nAbbie (01:08:16):\r\n\r\nYes; not kind of; definitely.\r\n\r\nAnn (01:08:17):\r\n\r\n\u2014\u201cI have struggled with this; you've probably noticed\u2014absolutely noticed\u2014so here's what I'm doing.\u201d And what was their response when you said that?\r\n\r\nAbbie (01:08:25):\r\n\r\nThey were so kind; a lot of them were. My oldest son was 12\u2014you could tell he was like, \u201cOkay, I'm holding you to it,\u201d not in a mean way\u2014but \u201cYou told me to. I'm going to do it.\u201d And he did. And there were times I literally was [inhaling] huge breath to be like, \u201cWhat in the world guys? You know not to do this. What are you doing?!\u201d\u2014which, okay; I don't think that that is actually uncalled for, but not in an unkind way.\r\n\r\nAnn (01:08:51):\r\n\r\nAnd it can just be the tone.\r\n\r\nAbbie (01:08:52):\r\n\r\nYes, cutting tone,\u2014\r\n\r\nAnn (01:08:53):\r\n\r\nIf you say,\u2014 \r\n\r\nAbbie: \u2014sarcasm.\r\n\r\nAnn: \u2014[asking a question] \u201cWhat are you guys doing?\u201d Instead of \u201cWhat are you doing?!\u201d\r\n\r\nAbbie (01:08:57):\r\n\r\n[Calm voice] \u201cWhy are you doing that? Come on; you know better,\u201d\u2014that kind of thing. \r\n\r\nI would take a deep breath\u2014and my son would look at me from across the room\u2014I would close my mouth and walk outside. All I had\u2014I didn't have anything kind to say\u2014I just had to walk up and down our porch, and go: \u201cLord, help,\u201d \u201cLord, help,\u201d \u201cLord, help. I am not any good at this.\u201d \r\n\r\nThe fascinating thing that happened was that, in the process of training myself to delay speech\u2014so that I had time to choose better words\u2014my hormones got better.\r\n\r\nAnn (01:09:35):\r\n\r\nWow.\r\n\r\nAbbie (01:09:36):\r\n\r\nI kid you not. I didn't get them tested, but\u2014\r\n\r\nAnn (01:09:39):\r\n\r\nYou could tell; you could feel it.\r\n\r\nAbbie (01:09:40):\r\n\r\nYes. The buzzing in my brain, the pressure in my chest, the brain fog and unable to find words except for the mean words, the immediate quicksilver anger\u2014all those things\u2014started to subside; I'm saying, \u201cquickly.\u201d\r\n\r\nAnn: It's almost like\u2014\r\n\r\nDave (01:09:59):\r\n\r\n\u2014a neuro\u2014\r\n\r\nAnn (01:10:00):\r\n\r\n\u2014a neuro pathway change; but also, even that changed all your chemistry in your body.\r\n\r\nAbbie (01:10:07):\r\n\r\nRight; We are getting basically a negative dopamine hit\u2014we're getting a dopamine hit of negativity\u2014anger becomes very addictive. You shoot up; and then, you regret it afterwards. But in the moment, it feels almost good.\r\n\r\nAnn (01:10:19):\r\n\r\nIt's a cycle.\r\n\r\nAbbie (01:10:20):\r\n\r\nYes. My kids and I memorized the Lord's Word\u2014we memorized Ephesians 4\u2014that was one of the chapters we memorized together: \u201cBe completely humble and gentle, bearing with one another in love,\u201d \u201cLet no unwholesome talk come out of your mouth,\u201d \u201cDon't go to bed angry; don't give the devil a foothold.\u201d It's so full. \r\n\r\nAnn (01:10:36):\r\n\r\nWhoa! You did a lot of that chapter.\r\n\r\nAbbie (01:10:37):\r\n\r\n\u2014of Scripture.\r\n\r\nDave (01:10:38):\r\n\r\n\u201cSpeak the truth in love.\u201d\r\n\r\nAbbie (01:10:39):\r\n\r\n\u201cSpeak the truth in love\u201d; yes. And \u201cOnly speak what's edifying to those that hear it.\u201d It was so convicting, and it was convicting my kids too. What am I doing?\u2014I'm setting an example for them to treat others this way.\r\n\r\nAnn (01:10:51):\r\n\r\nThey won't forget that\u2014especially, your 12-year-old\u2014he'll remember that as a father, with his words.\r\n\r\nAbbie (01:10:56):\r\n\r\nYeah. I remember, years later, he said something. He's very respectful in the way that he says it, but he was upset at me about something. I can't remember what it was, but I think I had said something just really quickly\/sharply. I was like, \u201cI'm sorry about that, Bud.\u201d I could tell he was kind of still frustrated with me. At a certain point, I just kind of looked at him, and I said, \u201cBud, I have confessed and repented; it is your job to forgive. At this point, I'm not going to do it perfectly in every instance; but you're going to have to have some grace, because you're going to want some grace. Be careful about holding\u2026\u201d I was speaking from personal experience, and I\u2019ve told him that I was. So when I talk about forgiving my dad\u2014my kids read this book someday\u2014they've already heard it from me.\r\n\r\nAnn: Yes, it's not a surprise. \r\n\r\nAbbie: They know that it was a struggle.\r\n\r\nAnn (01:11:45):\r\n\r\nI think, as moms\u2014because I think with the book that we just had come out\u2014about: \u201cHow to Speak\u201d\u2014what\u2019s it called again?\r\n\r\nDave: Are you kidding me?! \r\n\r\nAnn: I was going to say, \u201cHow to Speak the Truth in Love.\u201d\r\n\r\nDave (01:11:57):\r\n\r\nHow to Speak Life to Your Husband When All You Want to Do Is Yell at Him. There you go.\r\n\r\nAnn (01:12:01):\r\n\r\nYou guys, edit that out! I know they're not going to.\r\n\r\nDave (01:12:04):\r\n\r\nWe're going to keep that one in, for sure: \u201cShe doesn\u2019t know the title of her own book.\u201d\r\n\r\nAnn: Obviously.\r\n\r\nAbbie (01:12:09):\r\n\r\nYou do, though. \r\n\r\nDave: I do.\r\n\r\nAbbie: That's an important title.\r\n\r\nAnn (01:12:11):\r\n\r\nBut I think, when God stopped me, because, as moms, we're so quick\u2014we respond; we react\u2014\r\n\r\nAbbie: We have to.\r\n\r\nAnn: \u2014that's just part of being a mom, to protect them. But we're also training them continually\u2014our kids\u2014and that can bleed into our husbands, and how we talk to our husbands, and to anybody. \r\n\r\nAbbie (01:12:28):\r\n\r\nThere is a cultural trend to treat husbands as another child. It is so wrong.\r\n\r\nAnn (01:12:33):\r\n\r\n\u2014so disrespectful. \r\n\r\nAbbie (01:12:34):\r\n\r\nYes.\r\n\r\nDave (01:12:36):\r\n\r\nAnd we feel it.\r\n\r\nAnn (01:12:37):\r\n\r\nYeah, I know you do; I think that's why I wrote about it. \r\n\r\nBut when I felt like\u2014and I'm such a verbal processor\u2014I think it; I say it. For God to say to me\u2014here is what I had to ask: \u201cShould I say it?\u201d\u2014instead of saying it immediately\u2014\u201cShould I say it?\u201d I wanted to say it; I wanted it, and thought it would be so helpful. And it\u2019s not a lot of times.\r\n\r\nAbbie (01:12:57):\r\n\r\n\u2014or a zinger, like\u2014\r\n\r\nAnn (01:12:58):\r\n\r\nThat's what you did: you walked out the door; you just prayed: \u201cLord, help me,\u201d \u201cLord, help me,\u201d because you want to say it.\r\n\r\nAbbie (01:13:03):\r\n\r\nYeah. If there's anybody listening, who\u2019s like, \u201cCan I do that too?\u201d\u2014I actually did it as a Instagram challenge\u2014immediately, thousands of women showed up. What does that tell you?\r\n\r\nAnn: We all struggle.\r\n\r\nAnn (01:13:14):\r\n\r\nThis is not an isolated thing at all. Moms have a lot of pressure on them every single day. One of the areas that it leaks out is anger. \r\n\r\nAnd then, people wanted a resource. I was just overwhelmed at the time; I was like, \u201cI don't have time to do this\u201d; but we decided to include it as a resource that you could access in my first book. And then, people were like, \u201cThat's not enough; I don't want just a chapter.\u201d\r\n\r\nSo there's actually an e-book on my site, MIsForMama.net, that you can walk through 30 days. There's a focus each day; there's a Scripture; there's a reminder\u2014it's very short\u2014you could do it in five minutes. You could get your kids and husband to do it with you. \r\n\r\nAnn: So good. \r\n\r\nAbbie: But if you don't know where to start\u2014and feel like: \u201cThat's not my personality; naturally, I wouldn't; my head would\u2026\u201d\u2014there's a resource.\r\n\r\nDave (01:13:58):\r\n\r\nNow, where do they find that?\r\n\r\nAbbie (01:13:59):\r\n\r\nMIsForMama.net, under my \u201cShop\u201d tab at the top.\r\n\r\nDave (01:14:03):\r\n\r\nAlright, we'll put that in the show notes, and a link to this book in the show notes as well: FamilyLifeToday.com. \r\n\r\nLet me ask you this: you didn't use the word, \u201cguilt\u201d; but \u201cDo all moms carry mom guilt?\u201d\r\n\r\nAbbie (01:14:17):\r\n\r\nI think so. Actually, my first book, M Is for Mama, I wrote, basically, as a response to the FAQs that I get on a weekly Q&amp;amp;A called \u201cWhaddya Wanna Know Wednesday\u201d\u201d that I do on my social media. I realized as I was\u2014I started to say this a while back\u2014I\u2019m not a dreamer; I'm a pragmatist. The one thing that I always wanted to do was write books. But at a certain point on social media, I kind of resigned myself to the fact that I have too many kids and too much going on to actually ever get a book out. And then, Harvest House, my publisher, approached me and offered me this book deal. \r\n\r\nAt that point, I realized something amazing. One of my biggest intimidating things was: \u201cHow do you do research for a book when all your time is taken?\u201d\u2014I realized I was doing this \u201cWhaddya Wanna Know Wednesday\u201d market research every single week\u2014I knew exactly what moms needed to hear. I knew exactly what the culture was telling them, and what they were struggling with; and I knew exactly where I needed to go to find the truth in God's Word.\r\n\r\n(01:15:16):\r\n\r\nOne of the big things is questions about mom guilt\u2014the self-care thing was another one, which is why I wrote a chapter on that\u2014\u201cBirds and the Bees\u201d is another one. It's just the ones that I get asked every single week. I get 500 questions a week; and sometimes, there's just a theme: ten people ask the same thing. One of them was mom guilt, and so I wrote a chapter called \u201cMom Guilt; and Then, Overcoming It\u201d when you're recognizing the difference between it and Holy Spirit conviction.\r\n\r\nAnn (01:15:45):\r\n\r\nYeah, talk about that. What's that mean?\r\n\r\nAbbie (01:15:46):\r\n\r\nOur culture basically tells us any guilt that we experience is a result of some sort of external force\u2014the patriarchy, your mother's expectations, the society that requires too much of you\u2014and you shouldn't even try to perform to their standards, which is true; God is our standard. But sometimes, God calls us to something, higher than society, that's even harder. I'm not saying that's an easy pass by any stretch. \r\n\r\nThere are times when we find ourselves\u2014especially, with the comparison trap, which was another one that people I get asked about constantly\u2014looking over here and feeling guilty that I haven't had this garden done. The Lord hasn't actually specifically called me to work on a garden right now. That's not\u2014in fact, my sister-in-law would say\u2014\u201cI'm building the garden, so you don't have to; because you can have what I have.\u201d\r\n\r\nAnn: That\u2019s sweet. \r\n\r\nAbbie (01:16:39):\r\n\r\nIsn\u2019t that amazing? \r\n\r\nAnd then, I'm right now called to do things that take my time\u2014coming to see you guys while my husband is home, and my kids all work together to hold the fort\u2014my sister-in-law's like, \u201cI'm not going to go fly to Florida; I'm not doing that.\u201d So don't take on guilt from something that you \u201care supposed to be doing\u201d that you just decided by looking at someone else; or someone else told you that you were supposed to be doing; but it wasn't from the Lord. So there's that. \r\n\r\nBut then, there's that still small voice that is poking your ribs about being bitter, or losing your temper, or the fact that\u2014I'll give this example from someone I follow on social media\u2014a young mom with four children talked about the fact that she got convicted that she was [having] her kids [watch] a show to cook dinner every night; because it gave her freedom to get things done in peace, and to get them done efficiently and more quickly. And then, she realized, \u201cShoot; I just projected this ten years down the road. The message I'm sending my kids is: \u2018Mom does things while you're entertained\u2019 but that's not actually the family culture that I want.\u201d The conviction was: \u201cBring your kids in, even when it's hard\u201d; and I am fully behind this; this is what we do. \r\n\r\nI have my twin girls, my first set\u2014this is the coolest full-circle moment\u2014\r\n\r\nAnn (01:17:56):\r\n\r\nHow old are they now?\r\n\r\nAbbie (01:17:57):\r\n\r\nThey're only 12; so it's one of many, I'm sure, I'll experience. The hardest toddlers\u2014the most pull-your-hair-out, like nonsensical emotional histrionics ever\u2014they are actually releasing a baking book in 2026. Because four years ago, when their twin brothers\u2014which by the way, they're all born on the same calendar day\u2014did you know that? \r\n\r\nDave: No.\r\n\r\nAnn (01:18:20):\r\n\r\nWhat?!\r\n\r\nDave: Really?\r\n\r\nAbbie (01:18:22):\r\n\r\nBoth of my sets of twins were born on September 24, eight years apart. \r\n\r\nAnn: Come on. This is such a God-thing. \r\n\r\nAbbie: Yeah, it really is. When the babies were little bitty, they wanted to start baking on Saturday mornings. I was like, \u201cYou've got to be kidding me. You're eight, and you're no good; you can't bake.\u201d \r\n\r\nAnn: It's so hard to bake at those ages. \r\n\r\nAbbie: They wanted to do it every Saturday morning, which was one of the few days when I could go to back to bed for a couple of hours after being up, sometimes, ten times a night. I was like, \u201cLord, I don't want to say, \u2018No.\u2019\u201d But there was this conviction that I was supposed to [say, \u201cYes.\u201d] Little did I know they would get offered an actual legit publishing deal, because they've been baking for four years. My publisher was like, \u201cThere's a hole in the tween baking market; do you girls want to do it?\u201d I was like, \u201cYes, we do.\u201d \r\n\r\nYou just don't know\u2014you can't guarantee that outcome, of course\u2014but you just don't know what your faithfulness to do those things the Holy Spirit is actually convicting you to do to change the culture and to be a chain-breaker can reap benefits later. It's Galatians 6:9: \u201cDon\u2019t grow weary in doing good; for in the proper time you'll reap a harvest\u201d\u2014the clincher of it all is\u2014\u201cif you do not give up.\u201d\r\n\r\nAnn (01:19:34):\r\n\r\nThat's good. \r\n\r\nSo that guilt-piece; did you ever go to bed at night\u2014put your head on the pillow and just recant\u2014\r\n\r\nDave (01:19:42):\r\n\r\n\u2014because she did.\r\n\r\nAnn (01:19:43):\r\n\r\n\u2014some of the negative things you said?\r\n\r\nAbbie (01:19:45):\r\n\r\nYeah, 100 percent.\r\n\r\nAnn (01:19:45):\r\n\r\nAs you're talking to all these women, having that mom guilt, what were your tips?\r\n\r\nAbbie (01:19:52):\r\n\r\nSo one, God's mercies are new every morning. If we don't live like that, we are literally shoveling away God's goodness with both hands, while He's pouring it into our laps. Why would we ever do that? So rather than making that trite; wake up, and say, \u201cWhat do I need to actually repent my kids of verbally today?\u201d\r\n\r\nAnn (01:20:10):\r\n\r\nYes.\r\n\r\nAbbie (01:20:11):\r\n\r\nMaybe not an 18-month-old; they may not understand: \u201cMom is so sorry that...\u201d They're like, \u201cJust feed me please.\u201d But you can repent to the Lord\u2014and as much as you need to\u2014the face-to-face people. And then, make it your goal to work on that specific thing as opposed to just simply wallowing in guilt. \u201cThe Lord has not given us a spirit of fear; but of love, power, and a sound mind.\u201d That means that we are given bright and logical minds, as parents, to say, \u201cOkay, here's the problem. I'm going to solve this in the Lord's strength. We are more than\u2014overcomers\u2014we are not victims.\u201d\r\n\r\nAnn (01:20:49):\r\n\r\nI think that's really good. And also, take your thoughts captive [to obedience to Christ]. If you already confessed it\/repented, it's done.\r\n\r\nAbbie (01:20:56):\r\n\r\nYes; Satan at that point\u2014Satan's the one\u2014\r\n\r\nAnn: He\u2019s the accuser.\r\n\r\nAbbie: I tell my kids, all the time: \u201cCondemnation is from Satan; conviction is from the Holy Spirit. You will recognize the difference when one keeps you stuck in self-loathing; and the other gives you the motivation to ask the Lord how to change.\u201d\r\n\r\nAnn (01:21:12):\r\n\r\nAs moms, it can feel justified, like, \u201cI deserve to wallow.\u201d No you don't; Jesus died for that. We don\u2019t have to wallow if we\u2019ve already done the business: we've apologized to our kids; we've confessed; we have [said], \u201cOkay, here's what I'm going to do different.\u201d That's it; it's done. I think Satan steals our joy when we wallow in it. \r\n\r\nAnn: Yeah, 100 percent.\r\n\r\nDave (01:21:34):\r\n\r\nOkay; I got to ask you\u2014in one section in our book about parenting\u2014we said: \u201cWe love the teenage years.\u201d We loved them. So many parents are like, \u201cUgh.\u201d \r\n\r\nAnn (01:21:45):\r\n\r\nHow many teens do you have right now?\r\n\r\nAbbie (01:21:46):\r\n\r\nI have three. We'll have five\u2014when this comes out\u2014\r\n\r\nAnn: \u2014airs.\r\n\r\nAbbie: \u2014I'll have five; yes\u2014 \r\n\r\nAnn: Wow! \r\n\r\nAbbie: \u2014which is the most\u2014I've done the math\u2014it's the most I'll ever have. It's spaced so that I will have five, multiple times; but I will never have six teenagers.\r\n\r\nAnn (01:22:03):\r\n\r\nOkay, so what do you think of it? \r\n\r\nDave: Do you love it? Why?\r\n\r\nAbbie (01:22:05):\r\n\r\nI love it! I think that they are the coolest human beings. \r\n\r\nAnn: They're fascinating.\r\n\r\nAbbie: \u2014genuinely. They are so much fun! Are they knuckleheads?\u2014sometimes, yes; but so am I! To classify an entire stage as \u201cuntenable\u201d; or to pass over it because \u201cWe're just going to get through the fog\u201d; or to make these dire predictions\u2014people will ask: \u201cWell, what are you going to do when your child does this?\u201d I say to them, \u201cI'm not going to assume,\u201d\u2014I'm not saying it won't happen; I'm not going to say it can't happen. \r\n\r\nAnn: But you're not going to think the worst. \r\n\r\nAbbie: No; I will prepare my mind in such a way that I can take things captive to the Lordship of Jesus Christ\u2014that I can be prepared to speak words of life\u2014rather than screaming, and yelling, and losing it. That I can know God's ways so that I can put those guardrails up, and know when that's needed; and when that needs to loosen up some. \r\n\r\nAbsolutely, don't be willy nilly as you go through parenting; but not to put one hand over your eyes, and look through your fingers, and dread of what's surely coming. It may not ever come in the way they tell you it will; you'll have wasted so much time. The Bible is really clear that we are called not to be anxious about tomorrow. And that would include the stages in tomorrow that we haven't gotten to yet.\r\n\r\nAnn (01:23:23):\r\n\r\nWhat about the parents, who are just like, \u201cOh, it's so hard; they're so rebellious. They speak without any kind of honor or respect. I don't know what to do.\u201d I think, sometimes, it feels like teens are pushing away; and parents just let them instead of pursuing them.\r\n\r\nAbbie (01:23:42):\r\n\r\nYes. I think you answered your own question. You are the father and the prodigal son. You do not ever stop loving them while also holding them accountable for right and wrong. The ability to physically do that wanes as they get bigger than you. As they get to be a legal adult\u2014our legal-adult son still lives at home and is very honoring of our house rules\u2014but literally, still comes home at a curfew, even though he could stay until 2:00 in the morning; and we wouldn't legally be able to do anything about it. But he has no interest in doing so; still enjoys being around his siblings. Part of it's his personality; part of it's the family culture; part of it is the grace of God. \r\n\r\nBut for those who are already\u2014let's say I get messages from people who are talking about their 17-year-old son screaming curse words at them\u2014you don't have the same recourses that you do when they were 3; you just don't. Part of that may be because you didn't take advantage of those or weren't able to. Maybe, you're a single parent; or you had to share custody; or just didn't\u2014\r\n\r\nAnn (01:24:51):\r\n\r\nYou've been working all day. \r\n\r\nAbbie (01:24:53):\r\n\r\n\u2014you didn\u2019t know what you know now\u2014you hadn't grown in the Lord\u2014things like that. \r\n\r\nBut it is never too late to turn a corner, to turn over a new leaf. I'm going to use all the cliches to say, \u201cI will be faithful now to teach you God's Word as you lie, walk, and stand; as I lie, walk, and stand with you. I can't make you accept it; I can't change your behavior.\u201d \r\n\r\nWe can change some behavior and make there be some acceptance when they're two, five, seven; they are under our authority\u2014and we can say: \u201cYou will not go to this,\u201d \u201cWe are not going to participate in that; we're going to turn that off,\u201d\u2014we have that ability. I think that's part of our job, as parents, to exercise that wisely. \r\n\r\nAnd with a teen\u2014especially, an older teen\u2014you're losing some of that ability. But if you can maintain that connection\u2014that they never doubt that you love them; that you want the best for them; that you love God first, and then, you love them\u2014there's no outcome guarantee; but I guarantee you that you will be changed as a result of being faithful in that.\r\n\r\nAnn (01:25:57):\r\n\r\nYeah, that's really good. \r\n\r\nI love this book, Abbie. It's beautifully written\u2014the cover is beautiful\u2014even the setup of it: at the end of each chapter, you have the narrative\/the Word\u2019s response to \u201chard.\u201d\r\n\r\nDave (01:26:10):\r\n\r\nI like \u201cThe Dad Thought\u201d; that's what I like.\r\n\r\nAnn (01:26:11):\r\n\r\nI do too. We did that in ours, too; I think it's good to get the man's perspective.\r\n\r\nAbbie (01:26:17):\r\n\r\nYeah; after I wrote M Is for Mama, everybody asked me where \u201cD Is for Daddy\u201d was. I was talking to you, off air, before we started about how I don't think there's too many men who would appreciate a book called \u201cD Is for Daddy.\u201d My husband's like, \u201cEw! I don't feel \u2018Ew!\u2019 about M Is for Mama; I feel \u2018Ew!\u2019 about \u2018D Is for Daddy.\u2019\u201d\r\n\r\nDave (01:26:31):\r\n\r\nHe Is right.\r\n\r\nAnn: You think so?\r\n\r\nDave: Oh, yeah.\r\n\r\nAbbie (01:26:33):\r\n\r\nOh, yeah, 100 percent. You get handed that; and the dude's like, \u201cThis is no, just no,\u201d kind of thing. But I had been asked so many times; I was like, \u201cShaun, you really need to contribute to the end of this.\u201d He's got so much wisdom; he's good with words. He's just someone I want everybody to meet and love as much as I do. I was so glad he got to do that.\r\n\r\nAnn (01:26:56):\r\n\r\nThat's cool. \r\n\r\nI love that you have \u201cA Christian Response to Hard\u201d; and then, you have \u201cAction Steps,\u201d \u201cQuestions,\u201d and \u201cA Prayer.\u201d\r\n\r\nAbbie (01:27:02):\r\n\r\nAs moms, one of the things\u2014that's really hard to do with as many distractions that we have\u2014even with short chapters like these is to be like, \u201cWhat did I just read?\u201d\r\n\r\nAnn (01:27:10):\r\n\r\n\u201cNow, what do I do?\u201d\r\n\r\nAbbie (01:27:11):\r\n\r\nYeah; \u201cNow, what do I do?\u201d Exactly. We need that clear direction and the condensing it down to its essentials. \r\n\r\nAnn: I love it.\r\n\r\nDave (01:27:18):\r\n\r\nWe're going to have you back to talk about a book that's coming out right around now: You Bet Your Stretch Marks. I just wanted to say it again. \r\n\r\nAbbie (01:27:28):\r\n\r\nDid you feel uncomfortable saying that? \r\n\r\nAnn: Every woman is like, \u201cOh, yeah; I know what that is. \r\n\r\nAbbie: Yeah; \u201cI know what that is.\u201d All the dudes look at me, like\u2014\r\n\r\nAnn: \u2014\u201cWhat?\u201d\r\n\r\nAbbie: \u2014\u201cWhat did she just say?\u201d\r\n\r\nDave (01:27:35):\r\n\r\nI was just going to ask, \u201cWhat's that about?\u201d I guess you guys already know.\r\n\r\nAbbie (01:27:38):\r\n\r\nPhysically speaking\u2014interestingly enough: I've had ten children, and I don't have any physical stretch marks from having children\u2014I think it's just a genetic thing.\r\n\r\nAnn (01:27:48):\r\n\r\n\u2014even with those two sets of twins.\r\n\r\nAbbie (01:27:51):\r\n\r\nYes; so strange. I'm as surprised as anybody. But I will tell you where I do have stretch marks\u2014on my soul, on my character, on my personality, on my ability to be patient through hard things\u2014You Bet Your Stretch Marks is essentially the culmination of the trilogy that started with M Is for Mama; continued with Hard Is Not the Same Thing as Bad; and ends with this encouragement that is a resounding exclamation-point answer to: \u201cOkay, I did all this; is it worth it?\u201d \u201cYou bet your stretch marks.\u201d\r\n\r\nIt comes back around to: \u201cWhy?\u201d Not because of what it produces in them\u2014although, I do think that there will be effects with faithful parenting; I do think the Lord will bring a harvest and produce fruit in them; and He is faithful to do that\u2014it's what it makes in you because it is worth it if we are faithfully following God, no matter what the results are on anybody else. \r\n\r\nAnn: Yes.\r\n\r\nAnn (01:28:44):\r\n\r\nThanks for watching. If you like this episode,\u2014\r\n\r\nDave (01:28:47):\r\n\r\nYou better like it.\r\n\r\nAnn (01:28:48):\r\n\r\n\u2014just hit that \u201cLike\u201d button.\r\n\r\nDave (01:28:49):\r\n\r\nAnd we'd like you to subscribe. All you got to do is go down and hit the \u201cSubscribe\u201d\u2014\r\n\r\ncan't say the word, \u201csubscribe\u201d\u2014hit the \u201cSubscribe\u201d button. I don't think I can say this \r\n\r\nword! \r\n\r\nAnn: I can subscribe. \r\n\r\nDave: Look at that! You say it so easily. \u201cSubscribe\u201d; there he goes!\r\n\r\nFamilyLife Today is a donor-supported production of FamilyLife\u00ae, a Cru\u00ae Ministry. \r\n\r\nHelping you pursue the relationships that matter most.\r\n\r\nIf you\u2019ve benefited from the FamilyLife Today transcripts, would you consider donating today to help defray the costs of producing them and making them available online?  \r\n\r\nCopyright \u00a9 2025 FamilyLife. 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