{"id":314622,"date":"2025-05-13T03:25:25","date_gmt":"2025-05-13T07:25:25","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/%series%\/speak-life-to-your-husband-ann-wilson\/"},"modified":"2025-06-17T10:56:34","modified_gmt":"2025-06-17T14:56:34","slug":"speak-life-to-your-husband-ann-wilson","status":"publish","type":"podcast","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/speak-life-to-your-husband-ann-wilson\/","title":{"rendered":"Speak Life to Your Husband &#8211; Ann Wilson"},"content":{"rendered":"<p>In this candid and emotionally powerful episode of FamilyLife Today, co-hosts Ann and Dave Wilson sit down to talk about their deeply personal journey of transformation within their marriage \u2014 a journey that led to the writing of their new book, How to Speak Life to Your Husband When All You Want to Do is Yell at Him.<\/p>\n<p>What begins as a lighthearted moment with Dave calling Ann his favorite guest quickly turns into a raw exploration of how words \u2014 especially those said (or not said) in marriage \u2014 can either give life or slowly crush someone&#8217;s spirit. Ann shares the heartbreaking realization that her constant critiques, though intended as help, came across as boos to Dave \u2014 a far cry from the encouragement he needed.<\/p>\n<p>The episode dives into a pivotal moment when Dave, during an impromptu speaking engagement at a women\u2019s group, publicly revealed that after their marriage, he no longer felt cheered on by Ann but instead heard \u201cboo, boo, boo\u201d when walking in the door. This blindsided Ann and led to a very tense ride home, followed by a powerful personal reckoning with God. Ann\u2019s honest prayer and God\u2019s gentle but firm response (\u201cYes\u201d) started a spiritual and emotional transformation that impacted their marriage and parenting deeply.<\/p>\n<p>They discuss how expectations, unmet hopes, and internal scripts shape how women view their husbands \u2014 and how the enemy (Satan) can fuel those disappointments with subtle whispers that deepen discontent. Brain science also comes into play, as Ann notes that 85% of our thoughts are negative and 95% are repetitive, illustrating how easily women can spiral into patterns of criticism.<\/p>\n<p>Throughout the episode, the Wilsons reflect on Scripture (especially Proverbs 18:21 and Matthew 7:3-5), the role of pride, and how important it is to take thoughts captive. They talk about how Ann began intentionally looking for and vocalizing the good in Dave. It started with thanking him for simple things \u2014 like working hard \u2014 and grew into genuine, spirit-building encouragement that transformed not just their marriage but their legacy.<\/p>\n<p>They emphasize that this message is not for abusive relationships, but for average, well-meaning marriages where miscommunication and unmet expectations erode intimacy. By inviting God into her mindset, Ann became a woman who spoke life, not just to her husband but to everyone around her. Dave affirms how this change brought vibrancy back into their home \u2014 and calls on women to reflect on their own \u201cway of being\u201d toward their husbands.<\/p>\n<p>The episode ends with a passionate call to action: support the FamilyLife Today ministry so more marriages can be transformed through God&#8217;s truth and grace.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>When tempers flare, destruction is just around the corner. Ann Wilson shares how the power of international encouragement can change a marriage.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":47000,"featured_media":312569,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"","_seopress_robots_index":"","inline_featured_image":false,"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","episode_type":"audio","audio_file":"https:\/\/traffic.omny.fm\/d\/clips\/cbd16f10-ac60-4f09-b4df-b15400ce35aa\/33aaac7e-3581-4e21-a3df-b154011ba58c\/0c759c2a-1406-4d6f-9bc1-b2d100ea9d37\/audio.mp3","podmotor_file_id":"","podmotor_episode_id":"","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"00:22:57","filesize":"21.05M","filesize_raw":"","date_recorded":"2025-05-13 03:25:25","explicit":"","block":""},"categories":[2901,2831],"tags":[],"podcast_series":[10996],"cwp_profile":[],"series":[2101],"class_list":["post-314622","podcast","type-podcast","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-husbands","category-wives","podcast_series-speak-life-to-your-husband-when-you-want-to-yell-at-him-ann-wilson","series-familylife-today"],"acf":[],"episode_featured_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2025\/02\/image_bbee74.jpg?w=1024","episode_player_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2023\/02\/image-scaled.jpg","download_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-download\/314622\/speak-life-to-your-husband-ann-wilson","player_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-player\/314622\/speak-life-to-your-husband-ann-wilson","audio_player":null,"episode_data":{"playerMode":"light","subscribeUrls":{"apple_podcasts":{"key":"apple_podcasts","url":"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303?mt=2&app=podcast","label":"Apple Podcasts","class":"apple_podcasts","icon":"apple-podcasts.png"},"google_podcasts":{"key":"google_podcasts","url":"","label":"Google Podcasts","class":"google_podcasts","icon":"google-podcasts.png"},"spotify":{"key":"spotify","url":"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm","label":"Spotify","class":"spotify","icon":"spotify.png"},"youtube":{"key":"youtube","url":"","label":"YouTube","class":"youtube","icon":"youtube.png"}},"rssFeedUrl":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/feed\/podcast\/familylife-today","embedCode":"<blockquote class=\"wp-embedded-content\" data-secret=\"HFME9L8SIt\"><a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/speak-life-to-your-husband-ann-wilson\/\">Speak Life to Your Husband &#8211; Ann Wilson<\/a><\/blockquote><iframe sandbox=\"allow-scripts\" security=\"restricted\" src=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/speak-life-to-your-husband-ann-wilson\/embed\/#?secret=HFME9L8SIt\" width=\"500\" height=\"350\" title=\"&#8220;Speak Life to Your Husband &#8211; Ann Wilson&#8221; &#8212; FamilyLife\u00ae - A Cru Ministry\" data-secret=\"HFME9L8SIt\" frameborder=\"0\" marginwidth=\"0\" marginheight=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\" class=\"wp-embedded-content\"><\/iframe><script>\n\/*! This file is auto-generated *\/\n!function(d,l){\"use strict\";l.querySelector&&d.addEventListener&&\"undefined\"!=typeof URL&&(d.wp=d.wp||{},d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage||(d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage=function(e){var t=e.data;if((t||t.secret||t.message||t.value)&&!\/[^a-zA-Z0-9]\/.test(t.secret)){for(var s,r,n,a=l.querySelectorAll('iframe[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),o=l.querySelectorAll('blockquote[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),c=new RegExp(\"^https?:$\",\"i\"),i=0;i<o.length;i++)o[i].style.display=\"none\";for(i=0;i<a.length;i++)s=a[i],e.source===s.contentWindow&&(s.removeAttribute(\"style\"),\"height\"===t.message?(1e3<(r=parseInt(t.value,10))?r=1e3:~~r<200&&(r=200),s.height=r):\"link\"===t.message&&(r=new URL(s.getAttribute(\"src\")),n=new URL(t.value),c.test(n.protocol))&&n.host===r.host&&l.activeElement===s&&(d.top.location.href=t.value))}},d.addEventListener(\"message\",d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage,!1),l.addEventListener(\"DOMContentLoaded\",function(){for(var e,t,s=l.querySelectorAll(\"iframe.wp-embedded-content\"),r=0;r<s.length;r++)(t=(e=s[r]).getAttribute(\"data-secret\"))||(t=Math.random().toString(36).substring(2,12),e.src+=\"#?secret=\"+t,e.setAttribute(\"data-secret\",t)),e.contentWindow.postMessage({message:\"ready\",secret:t},\"*\")},!1)))}(window,document);\n\/\/# sourceURL=https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-includes\/js\/wp-embed.min.js\n<\/script>\n"},"uagb_featured_image_src":{"full":["https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2025\/02\/image_bbee74.jpg",1024,1024,true]},"uagb_author_info":{"display_name":"Margaret","author_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/author\/margaret-coylefamilylife-com\/"},"uagb_comment_info":0,"uagb_excerpt":"When tempers flare, destruction is just around the corner. Ann Wilson shares how the power of international encouragement can change a marriage.","meta_box":{"show_notes":"<ul>\n<li>Purchase \"<a href=\"https:\/\/shop.familylife.com\/product\/how-to-speak-life-to-your-husband-when-all-you-want-to-do-is-yell-at-him\">How to Speak Life to Your Husband<\/a>\" on our website.<\/li>\n<li>Every donation to FamilyLife in May will be matched. <a href=\"https:\/\/donate.familylife.com\/may-2025\/?cru_source=D0002408AT&amp;cru_medium=podcast&amp;cru_campaign=May2025\">Donate today on our website<\/a>.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<hr \/>\n<ul>\n<li>Find resources from this podcast at <a href=\"https:\/\/shop.familylife.com\/product-category\/radio-resources\/\">shop.familylife.com<\/a>.<\/li>\n<li><a href=\"https:\/\/shop.familylife.com\/product-category\/past-radio-resources\/\">See resources from our past podcasts.<\/a><\/li>\n<li>Find more content and resources on the <a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/app\/\">FamilyLife's app<\/a>!<\/li>\n<li>Help others find FamilyLife. Leave a review on <a href=\"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303\">Apple Podcast<\/a> or <a href=\"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm?si=d6dfa8d2415f4750\">Spotify<\/a>.<\/li>\n<li>Check out all the FamilyLife's podcasts on the <a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/familylife-podcast-network\/\">FamilyLife Podcast Network<\/a><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n","transcript_url":"https:\/\/transcript.familylife.com\/fl2025-05-13.pdf","transcript_content":"<p>FamilyLife Today\u00ae with Dave and Ann Wilson - Web Version Transcript<\/p>\n<p>This content has been generated by an artificial intelligence language model. While we strive for accuracy and quality, please note that the information provided will most likely not be entirely error-free or up-to-date. We recommend independently verifying the content with the originally-released audio. This transcript is provided for your personal use and general information purposes only. References to conferences, resources, or other special promotions may be obsolete. We do not assume any responsibility or liability for the use or interpretation of this content.<\/p>\n<p>Speak Life to Your Husband<\/p>\n<p>Guest:Ann Wilson<\/p>\n<p>From the series:Speak Life into Your Husband When All You Want to Do Is Yell at Him (Day 1 of 2)<\/p>\n<p>Air date:May 13, 2025<\/p>\n<p>Ann:I think the reason I didn't cheer you or compliment you, or point out the things you were doing well or right is because I thought, \u201cIf he thinks I'm satisfied\u2014if I compliment him\u2014he'll think, \u2018I'm good\u2019; and so then, he'll become lazier or be worse. I'll enable you to stay at the point where you were, and I wasn't satisfied with where you were. Gosh, just saying that\u2014it just sounds so wrong\u2014doesn't it?<\/p>\n<p>Ann:Welcome to FamilyLife Today, where we want to help you pursue the relationships that matter most. I'm Ann Wilson.<\/p>\n<p>Dave:And I'm Dave Wilson. And you can find us at FamilyLifeToday.com. This is FamilyLife Today!<\/p>\n<p>Dave:Alright; pretty exciting day here at FamilyLife Today.<\/p>\n<p>Ann:Are you excited?<\/p>\n<p>Dave:I've got the best guest I've ever interviewed in my entire career with FamilyLife Today.<\/p>\n<p>Ann:Do you think you're biased?<\/p>\n<p>Dave:Well, I think our listeners are like, \u201cWho are you interviewing today?\u201d They don't know it's you\u2014<\/p>\n<p>Ann:It's me!<\/p>\n<p>Dave:\u2014Ann Wilson.<\/p>\n<p>Ann:And I'm interviewing you, too, kind of.<\/p>\n<p>Dave:Yeah, a little bit. We're going to talk about your new book\u2014it's our book, but it's really your book\u2014How to Speak Life to Your Husband: When All You Want to Do is Yell at Him. Let's go there. There's like two titles\u2014there's the How to Speak Life\u2014but we didn't understand how to speak life for a long time, because it was a lot of\u2014<\/p>\n<p>Ann:You can just say it; I didn't.<\/p>\n<p>Dave:I didn't either! It isn't like this is a book just for women toward men; it goes both ways.<\/p>\n<p>Ann:Yeah, it always does; yeah.<\/p>\n<p>Dave:So where did this whole idea start? Go ahead; tell them how I told everybody in the world instead of you.<\/p>\n<p>Ann:If anybody knows our story\u2014and every marriage goes up and down, has the hills and valleys\u2014and we had gone through a ten-year anniversary that we wrote Vertical Marriage about\u2014which was really hard. We got out of that valley, and we started thriving; but I was still struggling, in my head, about you.<\/p>\n<p>I was asked to speak to a mom's group at our church. I was stressed about doing this speaking, because I didn't have any time to work on it. So what do I do when I'm stressed?\u2014I go to you. I'm like, \u201cHey, hon; what do you think about speaking with me?\u201d And you are all about it: \u201cYeah, I'd love to do that.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Dave:\u201cYeah, why not?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Ann:On the way there, I said, \u201cHave you thought about what you want to say?\u201d And you said, \u201cNo, let's just wing it.\u201d I'm like, \u201cOh, okay; what does that mean?\u201d When we got there, you were into it\u2014you are super passionate, really energized\u2014and I was excited about that, like, \u201cOh, this is going to be great; women are loving this.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>But you start sharing this thing that I had never heard you share before; you say, \u201cWomen, I don't know if you get what it's like for us to be men. Usually, somewhere in our childhood, we have a mom, or a dad, or someone that speaks\u2014they're just cheering for us\u2014telling us, \u2018Hey, look at you; you're so good at that!\u2019\u201d And you said, \u201cAnd then, I got older. I found out: \u2018Oh, I'm really good at sports,\u2019 and \u2018I love sports.\u2019 I had coaches who are telling me: \u2018Hey Wilson, you are really good at this\u2019; and they're cheering for me. And then, I meet Ann. Ann basically says, \u2018Of all the men in the world, I choose you, Dave Wilson. You are the man!\u2019 And you're cheering, Ann; and Ann's clapping.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Now, I'm sitting back on this stool, thinking, \u201cWow, this is so interesting. I've never even thought about Dave's processing of \u2018You're the man.\u2019\u201d And then, I was really proud when you said, \u201cI chose you,\u201d and I said, \u201cYou're the man.\u201d I'm cheering for you; and you're really excited, and your voice is loud. And suddenly, your whole demeanor changes; and then, your voice goes low. You go, \u201cAnd then, we get married. After we've been married for a while, and I walk in the door at the end of the day, all I hear is \u2018Boo!\u2019 \u2018Boo!\u2019 \u2018Boo!\u2019\u201d\u2014three times!\u2014\"\u2018Boo!\u2019 \u2018Boo!\u2019 \u2018Boo!\u2019\u201d And you also said, \u201cAnd that's what it feels like, as a man, when we walk in the door, at the end of the day.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>I'm sitting on the stool: \u201cWhat just happened?\u201d I am shocked out of my mind: \u201cWhat are you talking about?! You have never said anything like this in our entire marriage that I boo you or I do anything like that,\u201d or \u201cYou come in the door, at the end of the day\u2026\u201d So what happened that day? Now, that you're here: \u201cWhat\u2014<\/p>\n<p>Dave:You're going to ask me 30 years later?<\/p>\n<p>Ann:Yes.<\/p>\n<p>Dave:Honestly, like you said, I didn't prepare. And when I was up there, when I was saying that, I felt like, \u201cWow, this is what it feels like. I have never said this out loud.\u201d I don't think I've ever articulated it so clearly.<\/p>\n<p>I remember, when I stood there and said that to all these women\u2014you're right\u2014the women sort of got quiet. I'm thinking, \u201cThis isn't very affirming to them, because they\u2019re you.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Ann:You said: \u201cIn general, this is how most men feel.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Dave:Yes; \u201cThis is how husbands feel.\u201d So then, I looked over at you. You're sitting on a stool behind me. Your look was like, \u201cYou are a dead man. What are you saying right now?\u201d I don't even remember the rest of the talk.<\/p>\n<p>Ann:I have no idea how we ended. All I know is we got into the car; and I was so mad, and embarrassed, humiliated, full of shame. I said, \u201cWhat was that?! You think I am booing you?! I am helping you.\u201d I honestly thought I was\u2014because I'm pointing out the things that you could do better\u2014the way you could be a better dad, a better husband. Everybody in the entire church is like: \u201cHey, Wilson's amazing,\u201d \u201cHe's spectacular.\u201d So I think, \u201cOh, he has the best self-esteem ever. He doesn't need me to be alongside them, saying, \u201cOh, Dave, you're amazing.\u201d I thought I was motivating you by pointing out the things that you could be better at.<\/p>\n<p>Dave:And so\u2014<\/p>\n<p>Ann:When I said, \u201cI am helping you,\u201d\u2014and you said, \u201cIs it working?\u201d\u2014I said, \u201cNo! That's why it feels like you're not even listening to me; so I say it more often, and I say it louder.\u201d I think the reason I didn't cheer you, or compliment you, or point out the things you were doing well or right is because I thought: \u201cIf he thinks I'm satisfied, if I compliment him, he'll think, \u2018I'm good\u2019; and then, he'll become lazier or be worse.\u201d I'll enable you to stay at the point where you were, and I wasn't satisfied with where you were. Gosh, just saying that\u2014it just sounds so wrong\u2014doesn't it?<\/p>\n<p>Dave:What do you think is going on with women toward their man, are they really that disappointed? I don't think men do it as much to women, although we do it\u2014it goes both ways\u2014no question.<\/p>\n<p>Ann:Oh, of course.<\/p>\n<p>Dave:But it feels like a lot of wives are pretty disappointed and feel like they got to make their man better. The way to do that is to not speak words of life, but words of death and critique.<\/p>\n<p>Ann:I think a lot of it has to do with our expectations. When we go into marriage\u2014we may not say it\u2014we have hopes of what our husband will be like, what our marriage will be like. Our hopes are based on what we've known our husband to be in our dating process. And you were pretty spectacular\u2014you're pursuing me; you're talking\u2014it's incredible. And then, it felt like, when we got married\u2014and things were stressed and busy\u2014all that energy that you had when we were dating, now all that energy is going somewhere else.<\/p>\n<p>And then, you have a child or two; and I\u2019m like, \u201cWhy aren't you helping?\u201d We have expectations of what you should be like, as a father, as a husband, as a man. Don\u2019t forget: there's an enemy of our marriage and our soul, Satan\u2014and he's the accuser\u2014all he has to do is put a little whisper:<\/p>\n<p>\u201cInteresting: you have to do that yourself, again, tonight.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cInteresting: how many times has he done anything?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cHow many nights has he been gone this week?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>You know what I mean? And so you start coming up with this list of things they're doing wrong.<\/p>\n<p>As they're doing brain studies now, the more you get into that neurological pathway of going down into the negative route, that's just the pattern that you get into. And now, you've shaped your core thinking around all these negative attributes. I was surprised, as we were studying this and even preparing for the book, I was surprised to find that 85 percent of our thoughts are negative; and then, 95 percent of our thoughts are repetitive. And so about it\u2014when [Apostle] Paul says to \u201ctake our thoughts captive,\u201d I wonder if that's why he says that? Because if you don't, you're always going to go into the darker tunnel rather than the lighter path.<\/p>\n<p>Dave:So how did you dig out? Take us back to the story. We're driving home. I get out of the car\u2014we sort of separated\u2014you had to be alone. It wasn't a good drive home.<\/p>\n<p>Ann:It was terrible. I went home, and I ended up getting on my knees. I just vented to God all of my frustration and my anger toward you. I got on my knees, actually; I said, \u201cLord, can You believe it?! I'm working so hard! I am doing all these things for Dave, and the kids, and the family. And then, he says all this.\u201d I'm venting, telling Him everything I feel, which is good. God can take that\u2014share with Him all of that\u2014that's called \u201cconfession.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>And then, I stopped; and I said, \u201cGod, do You think I boo Dave?\u201d because I wanted Him to get on my side. I thought He'd say, \u201cAnn, you're amazing.\u201d And I just felt one word, \u201cYes,\u201d \u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Dave:I was over there, praying that you'd hear from God.<\/p>\n<p>Ann:It took me on this journey. I felt like God was prompting me, through His Spirit, to 1: \u201cStart paying attention to what I think about you.\u201d That was my first little step: \u201cWhat do I think about Dave?\u201d \u201cWhat do I think about our kids?\u201d Because honestly, as moms, we're training; we're disciplining; we're teaching our kids, and we can start getting into that mode with them too, that we're constantly training them. Our words aren't even that positive toward them, especially teenagers; and so my thoughts were generally negative.<\/p>\n<p>And then, I felt like, as I was working through this, I felt God kind of prompt me: \u201cWhat would happen if\u2014instead of complaining about Dave, in your mind\u2014you started praying for him?\u201d It was so convicting of just even: \u201cWhat are my prayers?\u201d My prayers aren't negative about you; but I start praying for you, like, \u201cLord, I pray that You would really show Dave who he is in You, and how much You love him, and help him to be the man that You've created him to be; that would change everything.\u201d And so that was interesting.<\/p>\n<p>And then, I felt like God was saying to me, \u201cStart paying attention to your words.\u201d I think this is huge; because Proverbs 18:21 says, \u201cDeath and life are in the power of the tongue.\u201d Even as a listener\u2014as a woman\u2014\u201cYour words to your family: are they more positive or are they death words?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Let me ask you\u2014because one of the things I love that you did in this book is you wrote at the end of every chapter\u2014and that's my favorite part.<\/p>\n<p>Dave:Whatever; I had a page or two.<\/p>\n<p>Ann:No, but could you see me struggling with that and trying to change?<\/p>\n<p>Dave:Yeah, I started to watch you wrestle with critiquing me, and booing me, and death words; I could tell you were really grappling with: \u201cI think what Dave said is what he feels.\u201d I think wives have to deal with that. It's like, I mean, you talk about if you're a wife listening\u2014or even a woman to men in your life: your brothers, your dad, your people you work with\u2014ask them: \u201cDo you feel like I affirm you and build you up? Or do you feel like I critique you and tear you down?\u201d Again, we are not saying\u2014when a man needs to be critiqued and told the truth\u2014you [don\u2019t] need to do that.<\/p>\n<p>Ann:Oh, right. And we're also not saying, if you're in an abusive situation of any kind, you're not like, \u201cOh, honey, you're amazing.\u201d You need to get out and get help. We're talking about the average good-willed person, who wants to have a great marriage; but they're struggling.<\/p>\n<p>Dave:I watched you start to change. How did that happen?<\/p>\n<p>Ann:Well, I think there are a lot of things that we could get into. But one would be: I had to look in the mirror. I mean, don\u2019t you love Matthew 7:3-5 that says having a log in your eye is a pretty big deal? It's when Jesus is talking, and says, \u201cDon't try to get the splinter out of someone else's eye when you have a log in your own eye.\u201d I thought, \u201cI need to start paying attention to myself. Instead of critiquing you, I need to get out a mirror and start looking at what I'm doing, what I'm saying. How is my mind being shaped by the Holy Spirit and by God; am I in the Word enough?\u201d\u2014because that changes a lot of the way I think.<\/p>\n<p>I think I was crushing your spirit; and I was doing that to the kids too, which is super sad. I would watch you go out, around other people\u2014and you are vibrant; you're full of life and joyful\u2014and when you got home, you were quiet; it's just awful. But I thought, \u201cOh, he's passive; he's passive.\u201d I think that I probably critiqued you\u2014I never said: \u201cYou're dumb,\u201d \u201cYou're terrible,\u201d\u2014I never said anything mean with my words. But my words were like: \u201cWhy can't you\u2026\u201d \u201cWhy don\u2019t you\u2026\u201d \u201cYou should\u2026\u201d I think, for you, that was an incessant, constant draining thought: \u201cShe doesn't think I'm good enough,\u201d \u201cShe's not satisfied.\u201d That would be draining, as a husband.<\/p>\n<p>I was blaming your passivity on you just being a weak-willed man: \u201cCome on, man! Step up; be the man!\u201d And then, I would think of\/hear stories\u2014and now, you can get on Instagram of what men should be like or what they should do\u2014it doesn't help to compare your man to any of those guys.<\/p>\n<p>Dave:Yeah, so how did it change? Because you changed.<\/p>\n<p>Ann:My prayer was: \u201cGod, show me the greatness of Dave. Show me the good things. Show me who You see him to be.\u201d God started doing that one. I became accountable to some friends\u2014kind of in that journey\u2014I had a couple of friends who knew what I was going through. I started\u2014I had to be in the Word constantly\u2014because that's what starts changing our thought life is being in the Word.<\/p>\n<p>I asked God to show me that. I started seeing great things in you; things that I hadn't seen in years. We share this\u2014I bet a lot of people have watched Vertical Marriage and seen the chopping plants\u2014but man, think about this: when you have a plant\u2014and the [cutter] is you; the plant is the man\u2014and if we take our\/you can almost take a weed whacker and just chop that thing down, or hedge clippers, or whatever\u2014and you're chopping all the negative things. But if we start fertilizing, and we start noticing the plant's leaves, and we start pouring into you words of affirmation, do you think that matters to you?<\/p>\n<p>Dave:It matters to everybody! Nobody wants to be around negative, critiquing people; you run away from them. If that's in your marriage, you're running away from your marriage\u2014you're running into your job; you're running to other activities\u2014you're doing whatever you can to stay out of the house. And you know what? I was out of the house a lot\u2014not just my job, my ministry\u2014I was playing ball games; because \u201cGee whiz, I can throw a softball or football; and people go, \u2018Wow, you got an arm.\u2019\u201d<\/p>\n<p>I didn't know that\u2014I mean, guys don't realize: \u201cI'm doing these things because I'm getting cheered in a sense,\u201d\u2014and we're going to go have a Coke afterwards. They're going to talk about the plays I made and the plays you made. And then, you come home; and you're like: \u201cWhere were you?\u201d \u201cWhy aren't you here? The boys need you,\u201d \u201cYou didn't mow the yard,\u201d \u201cYou didn't take the trash.\u201d Again, those are things that have to happen in a marriage and in a home; but it felt like I come home\u2014and you didn\u2019t say, \u201cHey, how was the game? Did you play well?\u201d It's like\u2014<\/p>\n<p>Ann:That's because I hated the game; I hated that you were gone. I was mad that that took you away.<\/p>\n<p>Dave:I wanted you to come to the game.<\/p>\n<p>Ann:I did for a while. When of the boys started eating the top of bottle caps, and putting them in their mouth as two year olds, I was like, \u201cI'm out; I'm out.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>I think not every woman, and not every wife says it verbally\u2014but they've done studies\u2014you can tell in your way of being.<\/p>\n<p>Dave:Yeah. You wrote about that in the book: \u201cway of being.\u201d It was in your demeanor; it was in your attitude; it was in the rolling of the eyes; it was in little comments, body posture.<\/p>\n<p>Ann:It goes both ways.<\/p>\n<p>Dave:Oh, of course; I do it all the time: I'm harsh; I roll my eyes and make you feel stupid. We've talked about that many times: it's a way of being.<\/p>\n<p>Ann:That would be a great question to ask your spouse: \u201cWhat do you feel like is my way of being toward you?\u201d I think, in those days, what would you have said to me if I would have asked you that?<\/p>\n<p>Dave:\u201cYou're disappointed.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Ann:I think if I would say\u2014because this goes back and forth\u2014I'd say, \u201cYou think I'm stupid.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Dave:And you told me that: \u201cYou think I'm stupid.\u201d And I'm like, \u201cNo, I don't! What are you talking about?!\u201d I was harsh, and my words were not words of life; they were words of death. So were yours.<\/p>\n<p>Ann:Yeah, totally.<\/p>\n<p>Dave:So how did God change your mind to get you to\u2014because you are the greatest speaker of life to me of anybody in my life\u2014you cheer me; you believe in me; you say these things to me. It didn't change in a week or a month; but over time, and probably over a couple years\u2014I'm not kidding; you speak life\u2014what you wrote: How to Speak Life to Your Husband; it's like a memoir, but it's true. You are a great life-speaker\u2014not just to me\u2014to our boys, to our grandkids, to strangers in an airport. I mean, it drives me crazy sometimes: you walk up to people\u2014and you can see, too\u2014when you speak life, life enters their soul. You can see vibrancy comes to their soul, because somebody sees greatness in them and speaks it out. How did you become that woman?<\/p>\n<p>Ann:I mean, it makes me get teary that you say that, just because I was so opposite; and it makes me so sad that I was so opposite of that. I think God had to do surgery. I think my first thing I had to confess was pride. I was thinking, all the time: \u201cThe problem of our marriage is you,\u201d\u2014all the time\u2014\u201cIf he would be better, I would be happier,\u201d \u201cIf he would be a better dad, the kids would be better kids.\u201d I blamed everything on you.<\/p>\n<p>Dave:I didn't think you'd be crying about your own book.<\/p>\n<p>Ann:It makes me sad the way that I was. I was so blinded to it, because I had a log in my eye. I felt like God was really convicting me. But when He did that, it wasn't a shame kind of thing; it was an encouragement, like, \u201cAnn, start seeing the greatness in Dave.\u201d It was like God was cheering me on. I started out by just asking God: \u201cShow me the great things.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>And then, I would\u2014this is so terrible; I couldn't even say it at first\u2014the only thing I could start doing was to thank you. I asked God, \u201cShow me the things he's doing well.\u201d I started thanking you for little things. We shared that before\u2014that you were shocked by it\u2014and we've shared the dinner table story before. When we were about to eat\u2014I was working through all this\u2014I felt like\/I just looked at you, and I said, \u201cHey, before we pray, before we eat, I just want to say, \u2018Thank you, Dave, for working so hard. Your work ethic is incredible. This food on the table is here because you work so hard to provide. So thanks for that.\u2019\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Dave:Hey, by the way, you can get this book at FamilyLifeToday.com; a link to Ann's book is in the show notes. Go get it. Go buy\u2014you know what?\u2014we've never said this about any other author's books: \u201cGo buy a hundred of them. You\u2019ve got a hundred people you want to give this book to.\u201d No, I'm kidding.<\/p>\n<p>I really do think it'll be\u2014we\u2019ve praying, on our knees, that God would use this to transform marriages. And here's the thing\u2014it doesn't just transform a marriage\u2014it transforms a legacy; because your kids are watching, and they're going to copy what they see. And then, it's going to be lived out in your kids, and your grandkids, and their kids. What a powerful thing to think that God gave us a message that, hopefully, can be used to point people to Jesus. And then, as we follow Jesus, we start to live and say and do what He does.<\/p>\n<p>Ann:The power of a woman that God can use.<\/p>\n<p>Dave:And let me add\u2014if you have found today's conversation helpful, here's what you may not know\u2014this doesn't happen without listener support. We are a listener-supported ministry, people become partners with us. What's a partner, a financial partner? Someone who says, \u201cI'm going to pray for you, but I'm also going to jump in and donate monthly to be a partner with FamilyLife to help this message get, not just to my family and my kids, but to my neighborhood, and my city, and the world.\u201d Because hundreds of thousands, even millions of people can hear this message. But it's not possible unless you jump in and become a monthly partner with us. We're inviting you to become a partner.<\/p>\n<p>Ann:Yeah, we need you. We need you to become a monthly partner; become a part of our family to reach marriages with the gospel for Jesus.<\/p>\n<p>Dave:And if you'd like to do that, you can go to FamilyLifeToday.com. There's a donate button there; click on that and join our team.<\/p>\n<p>FamilyLife Today is a donor-supported production of FamilyLife\u00ae, a Cru\u00ae Ministry.<\/p>\n<p>Helping you pursue the relationships that matter most.<\/p>\n<p>If you\u2019ve benefited from the FamilyLife Today transcripts, would you consider donating today to help defray the costs of producing them and making them available online?<\/p>\n<p>Copyright \u00a9 2025 FamilyLife. All rights reserved.<\/p>\n<p>www.FamilyLife.com<\/p>\n","theme_header_position":"Sticky","post_header_is_sticky":"default","is_header_overlay":"0"},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast\/314622","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/podcast"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/47000"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=314622"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/312569"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=314622"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=314622"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=314622"},{"taxonomy":"podcast_series","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast_series?post=314622"},{"taxonomy":"cwp_profile","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/cwp_profile?post=314622"},{"taxonomy":"series","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/series?post=314622"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}