{"id":313607,"date":"2025-03-19T07:00:00","date_gmt":"2025-03-19T11:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/%series%\/intentional-parenting-in-a-culture-gone-sideways-kathy-koch\/"},"modified":"2025-03-27T12:32:58","modified_gmt":"2025-03-27T16:32:58","slug":"intentional-parenting-in-a-culture-gone-sideways-kathy-koch","status":"publish","type":"podcast","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/intentional-parenting-in-a-culture-gone-sideways-kathy-koch\/","title":{"rendered":"Intentional Parenting in a Culture Gone Sideways &#8211; Kathy Koch"},"content":{"rendered":"<p>Intentional parenting isn&#8217;t accidental. Author Kathy Koch shares how to consciously cultivate biblical character in your children, navigate tough topics like sleepovers and sex, and model the very traits you hope to instill.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Intentional parenting isn&#8217;t accidental. Author Kathy Koch shares how to consciously cultivate biblical character in your children.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":47000,"featured_media":313610,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"","_seopress_robots_index":"","inline_featured_image":false,"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","episode_type":"audio","audio_file":"https:\/\/traffic.omny.fm\/d\/clips\/cbd16f10-ac60-4f09-b4df-b15400ce35aa\/33aaac7e-3581-4e21-a3df-b154011ba58c\/a8fdf5da-ec84-471f-8f02-b292013d33e3\/audio.mp3","podmotor_file_id":"","podmotor_episode_id":"","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"00:27:52","filesize":"25.56M","filesize_raw":"","date_recorded":"2025-03-19 07:00:00","explicit":"","block":""},"categories":[2850],"tags":[],"podcast_series":[10962],"cwp_profile":[3534],"series":[2101],"class_list":["post-313607","podcast","type-podcast","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-character-development","podcast_series-kathy-koch-how-to-parent-differently","cwp_profile-kathy-koch","series-familylife-today"],"acf":[],"episode_featured_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2025\/03\/image_1e52f6.jpg?w=1024","episode_player_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2023\/02\/image-scaled.jpg","download_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-download\/313607\/intentional-parenting-in-a-culture-gone-sideways-kathy-koch","player_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-player\/313607\/intentional-parenting-in-a-culture-gone-sideways-kathy-koch","audio_player":null,"episode_data":{"playerMode":"light","subscribeUrls":{"apple_podcasts":{"key":"apple_podcasts","url":"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303?mt=2&app=podcast","label":"Apple Podcasts","class":"apple_podcasts","icon":"apple-podcasts.png"},"google_podcasts":{"key":"google_podcasts","url":"","label":"Google Podcasts","class":"google_podcasts","icon":"google-podcasts.png"},"spotify":{"key":"spotify","url":"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm","label":"Spotify","class":"spotify","icon":"spotify.png"},"youtube":{"key":"youtube","url":"","label":"YouTube","class":"youtube","icon":"youtube.png"}},"rssFeedUrl":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/feed\/podcast\/familylife-today","embedCode":"<blockquote class=\"wp-embedded-content\" data-secret=\"5iFO20MgBW\"><a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/intentional-parenting-in-a-culture-gone-sideways-kathy-koch\/\">Intentional Parenting in a Culture Gone Sideways &#8211; Kathy Koch<\/a><\/blockquote><iframe sandbox=\"allow-scripts\" security=\"restricted\" src=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/intentional-parenting-in-a-culture-gone-sideways-kathy-koch\/embed\/#?secret=5iFO20MgBW\" width=\"500\" height=\"350\" title=\"&#8220;Intentional Parenting in a Culture Gone Sideways &#8211; Kathy Koch&#8221; &#8212; FamilyLife\u00ae - A Cru Ministry\" data-secret=\"5iFO20MgBW\" frameborder=\"0\" marginwidth=\"0\" marginheight=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\" class=\"wp-embedded-content\"><\/iframe><script>\n\/*! This file is auto-generated *\/\n!function(d,l){\"use strict\";l.querySelector&&d.addEventListener&&\"undefined\"!=typeof URL&&(d.wp=d.wp||{},d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage||(d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage=function(e){var t=e.data;if((t||t.secret||t.message||t.value)&&!\/[^a-zA-Z0-9]\/.test(t.secret)){for(var s,r,n,a=l.querySelectorAll('iframe[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),o=l.querySelectorAll('blockquote[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),c=new RegExp(\"^https?:$\",\"i\"),i=0;i<o.length;i++)o[i].style.display=\"none\";for(i=0;i<a.length;i++)s=a[i],e.source===s.contentWindow&&(s.removeAttribute(\"style\"),\"height\"===t.message?(1e3<(r=parseInt(t.value,10))?r=1e3:~~r<200&&(r=200),s.height=r):\"link\"===t.message&&(r=new URL(s.getAttribute(\"src\")),n=new URL(t.value),c.test(n.protocol))&&n.host===r.host&&l.activeElement===s&&(d.top.location.href=t.value))}},d.addEventListener(\"message\",d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage,!1),l.addEventListener(\"DOMContentLoaded\",function(){for(var e,t,s=l.querySelectorAll(\"iframe.wp-embedded-content\"),r=0;r<s.length;r++)(t=(e=s[r]).getAttribute(\"data-secret\"))||(t=Math.random().toString(36).substring(2,12),e.src+=\"#?secret=\"+t,e.setAttribute(\"data-secret\",t)),e.contentWindow.postMessage({message:\"ready\",secret:t},\"*\")},!1)))}(window,document);\n\/\/# sourceURL=https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-includes\/js\/wp-embed.min.js\n<\/script>\n"},"uagb_featured_image_src":{"full":["https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2025\/03\/image_1e52f6.jpg",1024,1024,true]},"uagb_author_info":{"display_name":"Margaret","author_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/author\/margaret-coylefamilylife-com\/"},"uagb_comment_info":0,"uagb_excerpt":"Intentional parenting isn't accidental. Author Kathy Koch shares how to consciously cultivate biblical character in your children.","meta_box":{"show_notes":"<ul>\n<li>Learn more about Kathy Koch's ministry \"<a href=\"https:\/\/celebratekids.com\/\">Celebrate Kids<\/a>\" on her website.<\/li>\n<li><a href=\"https:\/\/celebratekids.com\/podcasts\">Listen to the \"Celebrate Kids\" podcast<\/a><\/li>\n<li><a href=\"https:\/\/donate.familylife.com\/march-2025\/parent-differently\/?cru_source=D0002408AT&amp;cru_medium=podcast&amp;cru_campaign=March2025\">We will send you Kathy's book, \"Parent Differently\"<\/a> at no cost to you with a donation of any size this week, as our way of saying a huge \"Thank you!\" for partnering with us.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<hr \/>\n<ul>\n<li>Find resources from this podcast at <a href=\"https:\/\/shop.familylife.com\/product-category\/radio-resources\/\">shop.familylife.com<\/a>.<\/li>\n<li><a href=\"https:\/\/shop.familylife.com\/product-category\/past-radio-resources\/\">See resources from our past podcasts.<\/a><\/li>\n<li>Find more content and resources on the <a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/app\/\">FamilyLife's app<\/a>!<\/li>\n<li>Help others find FamilyLife. Leave a review on <a href=\"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303\">Apple Podcast<\/a> or <a href=\"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm?si=d6dfa8d2415f4750\">Spotify<\/a>.<\/li>\n<li>Check out all the FamilyLife's podcasts on the <a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/flministries\/familylife-podcast-network\/\">FamilyLife Podcast Network<\/a><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n","transcript_url":"https:\/\/transcript.familylife.com\/fl2025-03-19.pdf","transcript_content":"<p>FamilyLife Today\u00ae with Dave and Ann Wilson - Web Version Transcript<\/p>\n<p>This content has been generated by an artificial intelligence language model. While we strive for accuracy and quality, please note that the information provided will most likely not be entirely error-free or up-to-date. We recommend independently verifying the content with the originally-released audio. This transcript is provided for your personal use and general information purposes only. References to conferences, resources, or other special promotions may be obsolete. We do not assume any responsibility or liability for the use or interpretation of this content.<\/p>\n<p>Intentional Parenting in a Culture Gone Sideways<\/p>\n<p>Guest:Kathy Koch<\/p>\n<p>From the series:How to Parent Differently (Day 3 of 3)<\/p>\n<p>Air date:March 19, 2025<\/p>\n<p>Kathy:I believe caught and taught, both, are critically important. There are people who say more is caught than taught, meaning that the model is more important than the spoken word. I'm going to go bold here\u2014alright, you ready?\u2014I think a reason more is caught than taught is because we don't teach.<\/p>\n<p>Ann:Welcome to FamilyLife Today, where we want to help you pursue the relationships that matter most. I'm Ann Wilson.<\/p>\n<p>Dave:And I'm Dave Wilson. And you can find us at FamilyLifeToday.com. This is FamilyLife Today!<\/p>\n<p>Dave:Well, you know Ann, I was reading this book; and I found something nobody's ever seen before.<\/p>\n<p>Ann:Oh, okay.<\/p>\n<p>Dave:It's in the foreword of this book. The reason I'm being a little\u2014what's the word I'm looking for?<\/p>\n<p>Ann:Facetious?<\/p>\n<p>Dave:Yeah, that's what I'm thinking. Kathy, our author, in her book, Parent Differently.<\/p>\n<p>Ann:Dr. Kathy Koch.<\/p>\n<p>Dave:Yeah; Dr., you just read this to us.<\/p>\n<p>Kathy:Yes.<\/p>\n<p>Dave:I'm acting like I discovered this, but I had never seen this. But the Benhams\u2014whom we know; we've had on here\u2014as they wrote the forward, said\u2014notice this: \u201cWhen David kills Goliath, and King Saul comes to him, he asks David, \u2018Whose son are you, young man?\u2019\u201d Again, we're talking about parenting kids with character, biblical character.<\/p>\n<p>Kathy, you just read that. I was like, \u201cLook at this forward\u201d; I bet I've preached that passage, at least, 20 to 30 times in 30 years. It's a powerful story; there's so many different learnings. But I've never seen that\u2014that they didn't even want to know about him\u2014they want to know: \u201cWhose son are you? You were parented in a way that enabled this moment to happen.\u201d As you read that to us, talk to us about that.<\/p>\n<p>Ann:Well, wait. Read the one line, which is like a killer.<\/p>\n<p>Dave:The Benhams wrote: \u201cSaul saw something in David he hadn't seen in anyone in Israel, not even in himself. He saw courage. He saw strength. He saw a young man who stood unflinching in the face of certain death and boldly proclaimed God as King. Saul could have asked him a thousand different questions in that moment of awe, but he asked him one simple question: \u201cWho's your dad?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Kathy:The reason I read that to you is that we were talking, in the second episode, which we all hope people will go back and listen to; and the first one, of course.<\/p>\n<p>Dave:Hey, you should do radio; you're good at this.<\/p>\n<p>Ann:She does have a podcast.<\/p>\n<p>Dave:I know.<\/p>\n<p>Kathy:Thank you. We were talking about being intentional. You had shared your story, as parents, of the goals that you had for your kids. David and Jason, who I've known for years, are very intentional with their nine children. They have nine between them, with their wives; and so I think they read Scripture for knowing more about God.<\/p>\n<p>We should all read Scripture to get to know God better and also to get to know ourselves; and \u201cWhat are the lessons that He wants us to know for ourselves?\u201d It doesn't surprise me that that stood out to David and Jason; because they are very much in the parenting throes of ministry, and they want to build up dads. Much of their ministry, to entrepreneur men, is significant to them, but powerful. Dads and moms show up: we can tell by our children the way that they've been raised. We don't say that to be a threat to, but it's true.<\/p>\n<p>Dave:Dennis Rainey used to say, often, on this program\u2014founder and president of Family Life; we're sitting in his seat\u2014he used to say, \u201cIf you want to know what I believe, you'll know by my grandkids.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Kathy:Oh, man.<\/p>\n<p>Dave:It's going to be lived out through the generations. And he talked about raising kids with biblical character.<\/p>\n<p>I did a sermon, years ago\u2014sort of the opposite of what the Benhams pointed out\u2014so often, as you look to the kings in the Old Testament, it would say: \u201cAnd he turned out just like his father.\u201d The whole sermon was \u201c\u2026like his father,\u201d \u201c\u2026like his father.\u201d And it's all bad\u2014his dad was bad; kid turned out bad\u2014and again, that isn't always a guarantee.<\/p>\n<p>Ann:\u2014at least, the kings of Israel.<\/p>\n<p>Kathy:And what a neat reminder to our listeners that it doesn't have to be that way.<\/p>\n<p>Dave:Right.<\/p>\n<p>Kathy:A small change\u2014I was just saying before we started recording\u2014that it doesn't have to be all big major changes. It can be small things that we choose to do differently long enough so that it becomes a part of our regular vocabulary\/regular routine. We begin to look for the positives so that we see the change, which encourages us: \u201cWe can make differences here. We don't have to continue down the same path.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Ann:Well, this book about character, as a parent, you're going to go through and mark this thing up. You're going to apply things that I feel like we need to hear and need to be reminded of, because the culture's not telling us this stuff.<\/p>\n<p>Dave:By the way, I'm going to say it right now: \u201cYou want this book?\u201d You're like, \u201cWhat's in that book?\u201d If you haven't listened to the last two days, listen to the last two days; but send a donation to FamilyLifeToday.com. We need your donations; we'll send you this book.<\/p>\n<p>Ann:Dave and I were talking about: \u201cWhat are the questions we're hearing from parents today?\u201d Because you've been doing ministry in this field of parenting for how many years?<\/p>\n<p>Kathy:Thirty-three.<\/p>\n<p>Ann:I mean, you're a PhD; you're a teacher; you are a professor. Now, you've been writing so many books on this. You've been on so many different podcasts, radio shows. As parents, man, they are struggling and looking for answers and hope, but biblical answers and hope.<\/p>\n<p>Kathy:Yes, that\u2019s encouraging.<\/p>\n<p>Ann:I think that makes a big difference. One of the things we've been hearing a lot from parents is they're getting this pressure for sleepovers\u2014<\/p>\n<p>Kathy:Oh, yes.<\/p>\n<p>Ann:\u2014spending the night at a friend's house or\u2014<\/p>\n<p>Dave:Probably seven-\/eight-year-old, middle school age, somewhere in there.<\/p>\n<p>Ann:Any age. And so I have all these moms saying, \u201cWhat do I say? What do we say to our kids?\u201d Especially if they're teenagers, they're so angry. So we're going to shoot some questions.<\/p>\n<p>Dave:The kids are angry that Mom and Dad are saying, \u201cNo.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Kathy:\u2014that they can\u2019t go?<\/p>\n<p>Dave &amp;amp; Ann:Yeah.<\/p>\n<p>Kathy:So you\u2019re going to ask me some easy questions, like, \u201cWhat would I say?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Dave:Yeah; should Christian parents [allow] sleepovers?<\/p>\n<p>Ann:There's a PhD behind your name for something.<\/p>\n<p>Kathy:It just stands for \u201cPraising them daily\u201d; seriously.<\/p>\n<p>Ann:I like that.<\/p>\n<p>Kathy:No, really relevant. I love that you are aware of what the issues are out there. We have to stay current. I don't believe it's a good idea for children of any age to do sleepovers. I'm not a fan of even a church doing sleepovers. Now, something like a weekend, where all the 14-year-old girls are going to be in a particular home, I think that's a little bit different. That's a very structured setting, and there's been a vetting of the home that's hosting. They don't sleep much anyway from what I've heard. So those kinds of situations may be okay. However, way too much goes wrong. There's way too much embarrassment and shame, and there can be some really horrific things that happen. It's not necessary\u2014children can have really healthy and fun friendships and a healthy and fun childhood\u2014without the sleepover.<\/p>\n<p>Many of the children that I work with\u2014so we don't counsel\u2014but we talk to kids on a regular basis, because we do chapel and different programs for youth. Many of them don't want to go; and they want Mom and Dad to be strong enough to say, \u201cNo\u201d; so now, they can throw Mom and Dad under the bus\u2014and they can say to the host\/they can say\u2014\"Hey, Renee, I can't come. Mom won't let me; I really wish I could.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Be the parent who knows what's best for your children\u2014if they're sensitive or easily hurt, or if you know that your kid can't handle no sleep\u2014they don't get to go to the sleepover: \u201cIt's not a wise thing for you.\u201d Now, you could drop them off for game night; and at 10:00 pm, you pick them up. You could drop them back off at 8:00 am for pancakes if you wanted to. You could ask your child, \u201cWould that be something you would want to do?\u201d Some kids won't even want to do that.<\/p>\n<p>Another thing I would say is you could host two or three kids in your home if you believe that a sleepover would be an environment that would help your child bond with some kids\u2014maybe, there is some loneliness; maybe, there's some fear\u2014you could host, because you know your home will be safe. But again, you don't know what three little girls are going to do in a bedroom in the middle of the night; so you got to be really careful there; and we don't say that lightly. The answer is \u201cNo.\u201d The answer is just \u201cNo.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Ann:And when the kids say, \u201cWhy?! Everybody else is doing it; why can't I?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Kathy:\u201cNot everybody else is doing it, because you're not doing it\u201d; the clever comeback, right? \u201cWe've been asked by the Lord to parent you. We're not parenting anybody else. We're parenting you, and we've sought the Lord on this.\u201d That would be an assumption here that you\u2019ve prayed. If you have goals, as parents, of how you're going to parent, then there should be an easy \u201cNo.\u201d If you have goals, this is an easy \u201cNo.\u201d You say to your kids: \u201cWe have prayed and sought the Lord. It is unwise, for reasons we don't need to go into. We need you to trust us.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>And then, potentially, depending upon everything, Ann\u2014about ages and stages\u2014you could say to your kids: \u201cHave we let you down often?\u201d or \u201cWould you agree that the decisions we've made have kept you pure, and healthy, and wise? Have you benefited from our care? Can you name two or three kids in your class who aren't cared for well, and you can tell by their attitude that they have no one they can run to when they're in trouble?\u201d You could potentially remind them that you are doing a good job as parents.<\/p>\n<p>Dave:That\u2019s good.<\/p>\n<p>Ann:Would you get into any specifics\u2014like any stats or anything like that of what\u2019s happening?<\/p>\n<p>Kathy:\u2014depending on the age and the stage. There are statistics, sadly, of sexual abuse that goes on at places like that; seances, and witchcraft, and horrific stories. If you don't let your kids watch horror flicks, you don't want them going to a sleepover that potentially is going to have either something shown or something talked about; and it could be a five-minute YouTube clip.<\/p>\n<p>If you have a child who's prone to a disagreeable spirit, or prone to fear easily, that would be a reason I could share. But it's hard. And you don't want to say, \u201cIn too many cases, there's abuse.\u201d Then, they're going to run down their head: \u201cWell, James will be there,\u201d and \u201cFred will be there,\u201d and \u201cKevin will be there. Are you telling me that those are bad boys?\u201d So you got to be really, really careful what you say here.<\/p>\n<p>Ann:That's wise.<\/p>\n<p>Kathy:I think the answer to \u201cWhy not?\u201d is: \u201cBecause we've been told by the Lord it's unwise, and we don't question His authority. We believe that we need to say, \u2018No.\u2019 We're so sorry that, right now, you're hurt.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Here's another idea, too: if you don't want to host something on that particular night; or you don't want to take them over for the board game before the sleepover starts, you could go to a movie with your daughter. You could go out with your son to a ball game. You could go roam the aisles of your son's favorite store the night that he thought he would be able to be at a sleepover, and give him a good time. Invest in your son in some way so that he sees it as good.<\/p>\n<p>Ann:That's one of the things we did, too. We would say to our kids, \u201cWe'll say, \u2018No,\u2019 to things that we feel like we are trying to protect you, and we're guarding you, but we're going to say, \u2018Yes,\u2019 to a lot of other things.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Kathy:Oh, I love that you said that. Everyone needs to have their \u201cYes,\u201d things. It's really hard for kids to handle \u201cNo,\u201d when all they ever hear is \u201cNo.\u201d As parents and grandparents, choose your \u201cYeses.\u201d You could, even in that moment, you could let them know, \u201cHey, the sleepovers: we can't do the sleepover now. We could do a movie and popcorn night until 1 in the morning. Is that something that'd be worth us hosting for a half a dozen of your friends?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Dave:Yeah. That's great.<\/p>\n<p>Obviously, every parent wants to know: \u201cHow do I talk about sex?\u201d \u201cWhen do I talk about sex?\u201d \u201cWhat do I say about sex?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Ann:Kathy's like,\u2014<\/p>\n<p>Kathy:\u2014\u201cDon\u2019t ask me.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Dave:Go for it!<\/p>\n<p>Kathy:Something I think I've said before on the show is: \u201cBe ready for the question, because it will come.\u201d I believe that you share age-appropriate information and nothing more than that. As an example: if a four-year-old says, \u201cWhere do babies come from?\u201d They don't want an OB GYN lesson. They just had a chance to hold a newborn baby for the first time ever, and they're curious; and so you answer their question in a very lighthearted manner.<\/p>\n<p>If a 14-year-old or a 10-year-old\u2014\u201cTells me about sex,\u201d\u2014\u201cWhy do you want to know?\u201d is maybe something I would come back with. Maybe, they saw a movie; maybe, they heard something behind closed doors last night; maybe they want to know something; and then, you talk. You have a biblical answer for the question\u2014that they're shocked the Bible has something to say about it\u2014but it does have something to say about it.<\/p>\n<p>So I would be ready.<\/p>\n<p>I would do age-appropriate. I would do one-on-one unless your children or grandchildren are close in age. I would do\u2014first conversation: girls separate from boys; and then, maybe boys and girls together\u2014there's a lot. Again, I don't have an expertise on this. I do know, in the teaching we do about conversations, many of my books have chapters about: \u201cHow to have conversations\u201d and \u201cHow do you help kids talk more?\u201d Again, when they ask a question, ask why they want to know: \u201cWhy do you want to know?\u201d Because that'll help you determine how much detail to go into.<\/p>\n<p>I would speak and watch their eyes because their eyes and their eye contact\u2014what I call \u2018the eyebrow lift\u201d\u2014will give away when you just hit on something that was their kind of curiosity thing. Now, you're going to know to dig into that maybe a little bit more.<\/p>\n<p>Ann:Oh, really?\u2014just by watching their eyebrows.<\/p>\n<p>Kathy:Yeah, it's the eyebrow lift.<\/p>\n<p>Have a parent face\u2014so when your kid comes to you, and \u201cI want to know about sex,\u201d\u2014ideally, don't overreact. Ideally, have a stone reaction\u2014and normally, we don't want to do that\u2014normally, when our kids come to us, we're all in; and we're like, \u201cTell me more.\u201d Ideally, you don't have much of a reaction. Here's the thing: if you look fearful, they'll stop the conversation. If you overreact facially, they'll either stop talking about that; or they'll change what it is that they were going to say. They don't like your fear; they don't like your anger; they don't like your judgment.<\/p>\n<p>Ideally, we try to be really\u2014\u201cWhoa; okay, sex wasn't on the agenda for today,\u201d\u2014so say something that gets your heart to stop fluttering. And then: \u201cWhy today?\u201d \u201cSomething must have happened; why today?\u201d Why are they asking today?\u2014something happened. Something happened at school; something was said in a biology class; something was said in a health class; they overheard something in the locker room; or again, they heard something behind your bedroom doors. \u201cSo why today?\u201d And then, ask what they want to know. Much more I would say, but that's what I would start with.<\/p>\n<p>Dave:The next one would be porn. How do you deal with that?<\/p>\n<p>Kathy:Carefully, with sadness: \"I am so sad.\u201d I really believe that we should often say, \u201cI'm so sorry.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Ann:You mean, if they're caught in it?<\/p>\n<p>Kathy:No, if they want to know about it: \u201cI am so sorry that you already know about that. That is not something God ever wanted to be created, and He sure didn't want you to know about it at your age.\u201d Let them know that their little heart wasn't supposed to be fractured by this; so \u201cI am so sorry,\u201d is a really important phrase. Again, I believe in the phrase: \u201cI'm sorry that you're confused, because confusion hurts the heart,\u201d and \u201cIt doesn't resonate with believers; we are not supposed to be confused.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Then, again, I might say: \u201cWhy do you want to know?\u201d \u201cWhat makes you curious?\u201d \u201cI'm assuming you've seen something; talk to us.\u201d Many of them are stumbling on it. You know that many of them didn't know what they saw, even when they just saw it. This is why we have to be really careful about phones and devices. I wrote a whole book on that, because it's just a mess.<\/p>\n<p>And then, I would be very truthful, Dave. I would look it up in a dictionary; I would be very concrete and very truthful that porn is\u2014I don't even know what I would say\u2014it's not sexual intimacy; it's not what God designed for marriage, that's for sure true.<\/p>\n<p>I would probably contrast it with what it is and what it isn't. I would tell them what it is supposed to be\u2014if they're nine or they're nineteen\u2014and they've accidentally discovered it; or they come to you, and they're addicted. Addiction's easy, because the body does what the body does. They're not guilty, by the way; they're not guilty for that. Their body is responding the way that God designed the body to respond. Again, I'm not an expert; but I know that that's true. And then, I would want them to know what the better is. And what's better is a marriage between a man and a woman, who commit to stay married forever, and intimacy and love expressed in an honoring way.<\/p>\n<p>Ann:Is there a conversation\u2014I know that you're going to say, \u201cYes,\u201d\u2014that we prepare our kids before they've seen it?\u2014<\/p>\n<p>Kathy:Oh, yes.<\/p>\n<p>Ann:\u2014how to guard against that. How old should they be when we have that conversation?<\/p>\n<p>Kathy:The age\u2014younger and younger\u2014because of how young they stumble upon it. Or even if they see it just silly cartoons, and silly movies, and shows. So if you don't have kids with phones; and you don't have the devices in the room, you can delay it probably a little bit. Although, they could go to a friend's house and see any number of things.<\/p>\n<p>My gut would be that we would want to prepare them and say, \u201cA reason we have delayed the use of devices for you is that it's really easy to see things that you did not want to see. You might search for a word and be shocked at what comes up,\u201d\u2014et cetera, et cetera\u2014\u201cAs an example, maybe you've heard of porn\/pornography. It's dangerous to the heart; it destroys men and women in marriages,\u201d\u2014 yada, yada\u2014as much as you think is developmentally age-appropriate.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cAnd because of that, we are concerned; because we don't want your eyes to stumble upon that, because it's going to hurt your heart and confuse you. We want you to know that, if you stumble upon it, we're here for you. Don't keep that to yourself, because that's going to hurt you more. We're your parents, and we need to know; and we're not going to be mad first.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cIf you found it\u2014you were looking\u2014we'll have that conversation.\u201d We're going to find out: \u201cWhat was the need that you have?\u201d\u2014because it's something we teach at Celebrate Kids: \u201cEverybody has a need they're trying to meet,\u201d\u2014so you ask, \u201cWhat's the need that you thought you had that you thought this would meet?\u201d We might have those conversations. \u201cBut if you stumble upon it\u2014just come and run, and be honest; and let me hug you and go, \u2018Okay; it's okay.\u2019 And then, we can pray that God will erase the image from your mind. And then, we're going to go back to the policy where there are no devices in your room.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Dave:How about parents struggling with\u2014maybe middle school, high school, maybe even older kids\u2014walking away.<\/p>\n<p>Kathy:Oh, Dave.<\/p>\n<p>Dave:They've raised them in the church; they've led them to Christ\u2014maybe, even baptized them. They've seen fruit; they've seen character; they've seen good things; and now,\u2014<\/p>\n<p>Ann:\u2014at least at the beginning.<\/p>\n<p>Dave:Now, they're starting to see\u2026; \u201cOh, no!\u201d Or maybe they are strongly saying, \u201cI don't believe any of this Mom and Dad\u201d; or they're drifting\u2014either way.<\/p>\n<p>Kathy:Either way. And in some cases, as you know, they're angry at their parents for having raised them in the church. Now, they think this was just nonsense.<\/p>\n<p>I want to say to all the parents or grandparents: \u201cKnow who you are, and know what you've done. Don't let them rob you of what you know you did well. You raised them in the faith because you believe God is good, and God is real.\u201d The goodness of God is what we ought to share. You remember the tears, and you remember the joy of the baptism. Don't let the devil take that away from you; that is real. And you did good things by raising your kids for that.<\/p>\n<p>Now, the culture is what it is; and they're listening to other voices. \u201cSo how do we make our voice loud?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Ann:That's a good question. Every parent's like, \u201cYes, yes! Tell me!\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Kathy:Yes; \u201cHow do we do that?\u201d And this is hard.<\/p>\n<p>Dave:Do we scream? Is that what you're saying?<\/p>\n<p>Kathy:No, no, no; I believe someone has a book coming out about screaming not being effective.<\/p>\n<p>Dave:She's sitting right beside me.<\/p>\n<p>Kathy:So no, we communicate on a regular basis in writing with little notes, and not a Scripture in every envelope. We love them with their malted milk pies and their favorite cups of coffee. And we talk about everything but this.<\/p>\n<p>One of the problems is that we get so fearful and angry. But you know what? Your kid, who's walking away, is still a soccer player. And your daughter, who's walking away, still has a fabulous heart for the lost people. You've seen it; she still stops at every corner with the hungry, homeless people and passes a bottle of water. Compliment her for that. Your daughter\u2019s still kept a job for five years in the competitive field, and she's been honored again by her boss\u2014know who they are in addition to the fallenness of their heart\u2014and talk about all those things. Don't let them think that the only billboard that you see, when you see them, is: \u201cI'm lost\u201d; because that's not going to be endearing to them at all. So keep talking about the whole of life and the whole of who they are. That's part of identity formation.<\/p>\n<p>And then, we ask them\u2014we have a right to say\u2014\"I'm so sad for you.\u201d \u201cWell, Mom, I'm happy; I'm not sad.\u201d \u201cWell, I know; but I'm just telling you I'm sad for you. Could you just walk me through what's one of the voices you heard that convinced you that it was all a lie?\u201d See if you can find out. And then, you go Google research those people; because your heart's protected\u2014you prayed it up before you ever go to that\u2014but find out who they're following: which pastor, which musician, or which poet, or whatever. And keep being Jesus in front of them; keep being Jesus.<\/p>\n<p>Ann:In other words, live out your faith.<\/p>\n<p>Kathy:Live out your faith without apology\u2014be generous, and be kind, and be outspoken\u2014still wear the T-shirt, and the cross around your neck; but do more than that; pray them into the family.<\/p>\n<p>Dave:How important is, in your opinion, raising kids with biblical character? How important is it for mom and dad, or mom or dad, or blended family of all situations to actually live that as much as say that? Is one more important, or are they the same?<\/p>\n<p>Kathy:I believe caught and taught, both, are critically important. There are people who say, \u201cMore is caught than taught\u201d; meaning that the model is more important than the spoken word. I'm going to go bold here\u2014alright; you ready?\u2014I think a reason more is caught than taught is because we don't teach.<\/p>\n<p>Dave:Wow!<\/p>\n<p>Kathy:We tell; we don't teach. Teaching and training is different. I write in this book about\u2014\u201cTeach like a reporter writes: \u2018What is it?\u2019 \u2018How is it?\u2019 \u2018When is it?\u2019 \u2018Where is it?\u2019 \u2018Who is it?\u2019\u2014you got to teach the details of it all.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>It is caught and taught. If you have no integrity, they won't listen to you. If you talk about joy\u2014\u201cThe second most important quality is joy,\u201d\u2014but you don't live joy, they're going to laugh behind your back; and you're not going to have a way of getting through to their hard heart. So you have to do both the caught and the taught. I think sometimes we're better at one than the other, and it'll be peaks and valleys; and that's okay.<\/p>\n<p>When you realize that you weren't living out the joy\u2014if you just had a conversation with your son\u2014\u201cRemember, joy is really important; it's not circumstantial happiness, but it's joy in Jesus. And we can have this\u201d; you just talked about it; and then, five minutes later, you threw a fit; and there was no joy. Don't walk away like that didn't happen; turn around, and go, \u201cKevin, I'm so sorry. I'm an example of real life. And man, I was distracted. But I'm so grateful that I heard it, and saw it, and I owe you an apology. I don't want to confuse you.<\/p>\n<p>Dave:That's good.<\/p>\n<p>Kathy:\u201cI believe joy really matters.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Ann:Well, I thought it was really good just to go through these character qualities; because joy isn't one that we normally think of as a character quality, but it is!<\/p>\n<p>Dave:It's a fruit of the Spirit.<\/p>\n<p>Kathy:A reason I chose joy is that technology has taught kids that they can be happy all the time. That's a lie from the devil; because happiness is circumstantial, and you can't control it. Because they value happiness, I want them to seek joy; because joy is real; and joy is everywhere; and joy is in them; and joy is forever if you know Jesus.<\/p>\n<p>Ann:I will say this is probably a value that we have is joy.<\/p>\n<p>Dave:It was a whole chapter in our parenting book.<\/p>\n<p>Ann:It's a magnet to kids.<\/p>\n<p>Kathy:Love it; love it. Yes!<\/p>\n<p>Dave:It's a magnet; your home's a haven.<\/p>\n<p>Ann:It's a magnet that they want to come home to. In my family, even though we didn't go to church, they were moral good people. I always, when I was at a party in middle school or high school, I remember always thinking, \u201cI bet it's way more fun at home than it is here.\u201d We would play games, and we would have so much fun together. There's something about that: \u201cWhat's the atmosphere of your home?\u201d Is it some of these?\u2014is it joyful? \u2014is it humble?\u2014is it resilient?\u2014is it discerning?\u2014even brave. These are just such good words to think about: \u201cWhat am I communicating to my kids?\u201d and \u201cWhat am I teaching them?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Kathy:\u201cWhat do I want them to be for today's times? They were created for such a time as this.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>The book includes 48 qualities; and then, I list some of the negative qualities so that we can discern and find it. But then, there's that baker's dozen 13; and that's what you're reading, because I don't want anyone overwhelmed.<\/p>\n<p>Gratitude's first; because the culture's entitled, because of tech. Gratitude's first, because it's evidence of spiritual maturity; because if you know Jesus, there should be gratitude in you and from you consistently. Gratitude's also first, because it's a parent virtue; the research says it gives rise to other qualities.<\/p>\n<p>And then, joy is important\u2014because it's not happiness\u2014that should be the goal. I don't want people to be unhappy, but I don't want them to prioritize that because the research says they'll actually be unhappy if they strive for happiness.<\/p>\n<p>And then the third one is interesting: and that\u2019s self-efficacy. It's a phrase you might not know\u2014which is okay\u2014self-efficacy is believing \u201cI can be effective.\u201d So we're talking here about character that changes culture. If I have self-efficacy, I believe I can make a difference. People who are\u2014they have self-effectiveness\u2014believe they can do what they've been told.<\/p>\n<p>My favorite example is: \u201cGo fill the dishwasher.\u201d The kid\u2019s terrified; because the last time he filled the dishwasher, he put a bowl in there that didn't belong in there; and he put a cup in there in the wrong place. And when it was emptied, his mom threw a fit. I hear this all from the husbands, too; \u201cI'm never ever again going to fill the dishwasher.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>But if you train your children to fill the dishwasher: \u201cWhy you don't put a bowl there\u2026\u201d and \u201cIf you look at any cup that was painted by hand by Grandma, it doesn't go in the dishwasher because the speed of the water and the heat of the water can wash off the paint.\u201d If you teach them respectfully\u2014caught and taught\u2014teach them, then they're able to fill the dishwasher; they have efficacy. Now, when you say, \u201cIt's your turn to fill the dishwasher,\u201d they don't throw a fit. They say, \u201cOkay.\u201d Why?\u2014because you taught them they can do it. Very, very powerful.<\/p>\n<p>Gratitude, joy and self-efficacy are the foundation of first-time obedience. Isn\u2019t that interesting?<\/p>\n<p>Ann:Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. What do you mean?<\/p>\n<p>Kathy:People who are grateful, and joyful, and can be effective\u2014that's the foundation of first-time obedience\u2014where you say: \u201cGo to bed,\u201d \u201cRemember to call your grandma,\u201d \u201cStop gaming,\u201d\u2014they're more likely to say, \u201cOkay\u201d; because they're grateful for what they have more than angry that they don't have. And then, they're joyful; and they want to keep that joyful spirit and that countenance; and then, they have self-efficacy: \u2018I am capable of stopping the game. I am not addicted. Daddy taught me that.\u201d Powerful.<\/p>\n<p>Ann:Doesn't this make you want to get the book?\u2014every listener.<\/p>\n<p>Kathy:I think people should buy ten and give them away.<\/p>\n<p>Dave:You know what?<\/p>\n<p>Kathy:The children's pastor in every church should have a copy of it.<\/p>\n<p>Dave:I agree; they should buy ten. Or we'll give it to you for free if you just send us a donation\u2014FamilyLifeToday.com\u2014we'll send this to you. And Ann's going to tell you the phone number, because she knows it so well: 800-<\/p>\n<p>Ann:\u2014F as in Family,\u2014<\/p>\n<p>Dave:Oh, you\u2019re going to go the easy way.<\/p>\n<p>Ann:\u2014L as in Life; TODAY.<\/p>\n<p>Dave:That's that way, or you can call 800-358-6329.<\/p>\n<p>Did today's episode hit home with you? I'll tell you what: we get it.<\/p>\n<p>Ann:Because raising kids can be hard; and sometimes, we have more questions than answers. So listen to what we did: we've pulled together some of our most helpful parenting pieces into one spot.<\/p>\n<p>Dave:Go to FamilyLife.com\/ParentingHelp. Again, let me say that: FamilyLife.com\/ParentingHelp. You'll get some of the best stuff we have on parenting.<\/p>\n<p>Last question: you've mentioned, our listeners are probably thinking, \u201cWhat is your ministry called?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Kathy:Celebrate Kids.<\/p>\n<p>Dave:Celebrate Kids. What's that mean? And what is it?<\/p>\n<p>Kathy:We want people to celebrate kids the way Jesus did and still does; meaning, that children are paid attention to, and noticed, and welcomed into community. We do that by the spoken word. I do a lot of speaking in churches, and conventions, schools, and pro-life organizations, Christian colleges, all kinds of ministry opportunities that we look for.<\/p>\n<p>And then, like you\u2014a published author\u2014hoping to change lives through the written word, trying to be helpful. We have online courses; we have our own podcasts, just really trying to get the message out to people that small changes pay great dividends; and children are worth the effort because they matter.<\/p>\n<p>CelebrateKids.com is our website\u2014CelebrateKids.com\u2014and that's our handle at Facebook. Instagram would be Celebrate Kids Inc. We would love to have them check us out.<\/p>\n<p>Dave:That'd be great. And we'll put it in the show notes as well.<\/p>\n<p>Kathy:Great; thank you so much. I loved being with you.<\/p>\n<p>Dave:You can come back anytime.<\/p>\n<p>Kathy:I'll come!<\/p>\n<p>Dave:\u2014anytime.<\/p>\n<p>Kathy:I would love that.<\/p>\n<p>Dave:Oh, we'll do it.<\/p>\n<p>FamilyLife Today is a donor-supported production of FamilyLife\u00ae, a Cru\u00ae Ministry.<\/p>\n<p>Helping you pursue the relationships that matter most.<\/p>\n<p>If you\u2019ve benefited from the FamilyLife Today transcripts, would you consider donating today to help defray the costs of producing them and making them available online?<\/p>\n<p>Copyright \u00a9 2025 FamilyLife. All rights reserved.<\/p>\n<p>www.FamilyLife.com<\/p>\n","theme_header_position":"Sticky","post_header_is_sticky":"default","is_header_overlay":"0"},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast\/313607","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/podcast"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/47000"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=313607"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/313610"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=313607"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=313607"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=313607"},{"taxonomy":"podcast_series","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast_series?post=313607"},{"taxonomy":"cwp_profile","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/cwp_profile?post=313607"},{"taxonomy":"series","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/series?post=313607"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}