{"id":313269,"date":"2025-03-10T07:00:00","date_gmt":"2025-03-10T11:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/%series%\/unpacking-your-marriage-baggage-love-like-you-mean-it-2025\/"},"modified":"2025-03-10T08:41:16","modified_gmt":"2025-03-10T12:41:16","slug":"unpacking-your-marriage-baggage-love-like-you-mean-it-2025","status":"publish","type":"podcast","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/unpacking-your-marriage-baggage-love-like-you-mean-it-2025\/","title":{"rendered":"Unpacking Your Marriage Baggage &#8211; Love Like You Mean It 2025"},"content":{"rendered":"<p>We all bring baggage into our relationships, but some baggage is heavier than others. Ron and Nan Deal explore the often unspoken burdens couples carry, including pride, the scars of abuse, and even the profound grief of losing a child. We&#8217;ll examine common but ineffective approaches to dealing with this baggage, such as expecting your partner to fix you or trying to eliminate their issues. Discover the power of humility, the importance of submitting to God, and how trusting Him with our pain can lead to guidance, direction, and healing within your marriage.<\/p><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>We all bring baggage into our relationships, but some baggage is heavier than others. Today, we explore the often unspoken burdens many couples carry.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":47000,"featured_media":312569,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"","_seopress_robots_index":"","inline_featured_image":false,"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","episode_type":"","audio_file":"https:\/\/traffic.omny.fm\/d\/clips\/cbd16f10-ac60-4f09-b4df-b15400ce35aa\/33aaac7e-3581-4e21-a3df-b154011ba58c\/9c019db3-2916-473d-b349-b292013d33dd\/audio.mp3","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"00:25:25","filesize":"23.30M","filesize_raw":"","date_recorded":"","explicit":"","block":""},"categories":[2863],"tags":[],"podcast_series":[10961],"cwp_profile":[3629,3300],"series":[2101],"class_list":["post-313269","podcast","type-podcast","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-saving-a-marriage","podcast_series-love-like-you-mean-it-2025","cwp_profile-nan-deal","cwp_profile-ron-deal","series-familylife-today"],"acf":[],"episode_featured_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2025\/02\/image_bbee74.jpg?w=1024","episode_player_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2023\/02\/image-scaled.jpg","download_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-download\/313269\/unpacking-your-marriage-baggage-love-like-you-mean-it-2025","player_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-player\/313269\/unpacking-your-marriage-baggage-love-like-you-mean-it-2025","audio_player":null,"episode_data":{"playerMode":"light","subscribeUrls":{"apple_podcasts":{"key":"apple_podcasts","url":"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303?mt=2&app=podcast","label":"Apple Podcasts","class":"apple_podcasts","icon":"apple-podcasts.png"},"google_podcasts":{"key":"google_podcasts","url":"","label":"Google Podcasts","class":"google_podcasts","icon":"google-podcasts.png"},"spotify":{"key":"spotify","url":"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm","label":"Spotify","class":"spotify","icon":"spotify.png"},"youtube":{"key":"youtube","url":"","label":"YouTube","class":"youtube","icon":"youtube.png"}},"rssFeedUrl":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/feed\/podcast\/familylife-today","embedCode":"<blockquote class=\"wp-embedded-content\" data-secret=\"2n3tWprxMJ\"><a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/unpacking-your-marriage-baggage-love-like-you-mean-it-2025\/\">Unpacking Your Marriage Baggage &#8211; Love Like You Mean It 2025<\/a><\/blockquote><iframe sandbox=\"allow-scripts\" security=\"restricted\" src=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/unpacking-your-marriage-baggage-love-like-you-mean-it-2025\/embed\/#?secret=2n3tWprxMJ\" width=\"500\" height=\"350\" title=\"&#8220;Unpacking Your Marriage Baggage &#8211; Love Like You Mean It 2025&#8221; &#8212; FamilyLife\u00ae - A Cru Ministry\" data-secret=\"2n3tWprxMJ\" frameborder=\"0\" marginwidth=\"0\" marginheight=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\" class=\"wp-embedded-content\"><\/iframe><script>\n\/*! This file is auto-generated *\/\n!function(d,l){\"use strict\";l.querySelector&&d.addEventListener&&\"undefined\"!=typeof URL&&(d.wp=d.wp||{},d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage||(d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage=function(e){var t=e.data;if((t||t.secret||t.message||t.value)&&!\/[^a-zA-Z0-9]\/.test(t.secret)){for(var s,r,n,a=l.querySelectorAll('iframe[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),o=l.querySelectorAll('blockquote[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),c=new RegExp(\"^https?:$\",\"i\"),i=0;i<o.length;i++)o[i].style.display=\"none\";for(i=0;i<a.length;i++)s=a[i],e.source===s.contentWindow&&(s.removeAttribute(\"style\"),\"height\"===t.message?(1e3<(r=parseInt(t.value,10))?r=1e3:~~r<200&&(r=200),s.height=r):\"link\"===t.message&&(r=new URL(s.getAttribute(\"src\")),n=new URL(t.value),c.test(n.protocol))&&n.host===r.host&&l.activeElement===s&&(d.top.location.href=t.value))}},d.addEventListener(\"message\",d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage,!1),l.addEventListener(\"DOMContentLoaded\",function(){for(var e,t,s=l.querySelectorAll(\"iframe.wp-embedded-content\"),r=0;r<s.length;r++)(t=(e=s[r]).getAttribute(\"data-secret\"))||(t=Math.random().toString(36).substring(2,12),e.src+=\"#?secret=\"+t,e.setAttribute(\"data-secret\",t)),e.contentWindow.postMessage({message:\"ready\",secret:t},\"*\")},!1)))}(window,document);\n\/\/# sourceURL=https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-includes\/js\/wp-embed.min.js\n<\/script>\n"},"spectra_custom_meta":{"secondline_imported_guid":["9c019db3-2916-473d-b349-b292013d33dd"],"audio_file":["https:\/\/traffic.omny.fm\/d\/clips\/cbd16f10-ac60-4f09-b4df-b15400ce35aa\/33aaac7e-3581-4e21-a3df-b154011ba58c\/9c019db3-2916-473d-b349-b292013d33dd\/audio.mp3"],"duration":["00:25:25"],"filesize":["23.30M"],"_thumbnail_id":["312569"],"show_notes":["\n<ul>\n<li><a href=\"https:\/\/www.marriagecruise.com\/\">Reserve your spot for the 2026 Love Like You Mean It Cruise<\/a><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<hr>\n<ul>\n<li>Find resources from this podcast at <a href=\"https:\/\/shop.familylife.com\/product-category\/radio-resources\/\">shop.familylife.com<\/a>.<\/li>\n<li><a href=\"https:\/\/shop.familylife.com\/product-category\/past-radio-resources\/\">See resources from our past podcasts.<\/a><\/li>\n<li>Find more content and resources on the <a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/flministries\/app\/\">FamilyLife's app<\/a>!<\/li>\n<li>Help others find FamilyLife. Leave a review on <a href=\"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303\">Apple Podcast<\/a> or <a href=\"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm?si=d6dfa8d2415f4750\">Spotify<\/a>.<\/li>\n<li>Check out all the FamilyLife's podcasts on the <a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/flministries\/familylife-podcast-network\/\">FamilyLife Podcast Network<\/a><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n\n"],"transcript_url":["https:\/\/transcript.familylife.com\/fl2025-03-10.pdf"],"transcript_content":["\nFamilyLife Today\u00ae with Dave and Ann Wilson - Web Version Transcript\r\n\r\nThis content has been generated by an artificial intelligence language model. While we strive for accuracy and quality, please note that the information provided will most likely not be entirely error-free or up-to-date. We recommend independently verifying the content with the originally-released audio. This transcript is provided for your personal use and general information purposes only. References to conferences, resources, or other special promotions may be obsolete. We do not assume any responsibility or liability for the use or interpretation of this content.\r\n\r\nUnpacking Your Marriage Baggage\r\n\r\nGuests:Ron and Nan Deal\r\n\r\nFrom the series:Love Like You Mean It 2025 (Day 1 of 1)\r\n\r\nAir date:March 10, 2025\r\n\r\nRon:God, in His kindness, will just sort of shave off little parts of you at a time as you can take it, as you can receive it. I think, this side of heaven, we continue to unpack and try to get more and more like Jesus; but it starts with that humble heart.\r\n\r\nAnn:Welcome to FamilyLife Today, where we want to help you pursue the relationships that matter most. I'm Ann Wilson.\r\n\r\nDave:And I'm Dave Wilson. And you can find us at FamilyLifeToday.com. This is FamilyLife Today. \r\n\r\nDave:Hey, we're Dave and Ann Wilson. We just got off the FamilyLife Love Like You Mean It cruise. It was absolutely\u2014and I'm not exaggerating\u2014fantastic.\r\n\r\nAnn:You have got to go on this cruise; and now, is the time to sign up. The cruise will be next year, 2026, February 14 through the 21st.\r\n\r\nDave:\u2014which by the way, is our 15th annual cruise and our 50th year of FamilyLife. So it's going to be an epic, epic\u2014 \r\n\r\nAnn:\u2014anniversary.\r\n\r\nDave:Can I say it again?\u2014epic cruise. You don't want to miss this one. You can sign up, right now in March, because you get the lowest price of the year if you sign up during March.\r\n\r\nAnn:And listen to this: we're currently closing in on being 60 percent full, so get your tickets now.\r\n\r\nDave:Yeah, so you can sign up right now at FamilyLifeToday.com; or give us a call at 800-358-6329. That's 800-F as in Family, L as in Life, and the word, TODAY.\r\n\r\nAnn:And this is the great part about today: you're going to get to hear a message from the cruise by Ron and Nan Deal, which to me was one of my favorites. They're all so good, but this one really hit home for us.\r\n\r\nDave:It hit home for everybody on the boat. It was powerful; it was life-changing. And the good thing is you're going to be sitting in the auditorium with us on the boat as you listen to this, so sit back. Let God speak to you through Ron and Nan. This is a powerful life-changing message.\r\n\r\n[Love Like You Mean It Message]\r\n\r\nRon:Well, what started that whole mess was the two of us deciding that we were going to get married 39 years ago. We came together; we just grabbed a bag like, \u201cGoing on\u2014\r\n\r\nNan:\u2014\u201cby the grace of God,\u201d \u201c\u2026by the grace of God.\u201d\r\n\r\nRon:That\u2019s right; we're just going to go on our honeymoon. We got one bag; that's all that we needed. We came together: \u201cI do,\u201d \u201cI do,\u201d\u2014\u201cYou do?\u201d \r\n\r\nNan:\u201cI do,\u201d\u2014\r\n\r\nRon:\u2014that means \u201cWe do.\u201d \r\n\r\nNan:\u201cWe do.\u201d [Kissing]\r\n\r\nRon:And we were so stupid. [Laughter]\r\n\r\nNan:Well, you were stupid; I wasn't stupid. You were 19; what were you thinking?\r\n\r\nRon:Yeah, I was stupid.\r\n\r\nNan:But little did we know that on that day when we said, \u201cI do,\u201d we had a lot\u2014\r\n\r\nRon &amp;amp; Nan: \u2014a lot of baggage. \r\n\r\nNan:I don't know if we tucked it away in the closet, or we put it in the trunk of your big LeSabre, but we brought into the marriage a lot of baggage.\r\n\r\nRon:It fit into the LeSabre for sure; that was a giant car.\r\n\r\nNan:It would've fit.\r\n\r\nRon:But unfortunately, all this stuff is actually fitting into your heart; you walked through life with it. But we didn't have any earthly idea.\r\n\r\nNan:We didn't have a clue.\r\n\r\nRon:I'm wondering about you: \u201cYou got baggage?\u201d\r\n\r\nNan:[Audience response] I heard a \u201cNo.\u201d [Laughter] Sarcastically, \u201cYes.\u201d Hey, I've got a definition. Would you like to hear it?\r\n\r\nRon:\u2014a definition of baggage?\r\n\r\nRon:Yes; yes, please.\r\n\r\nNan:Emotional baggage, if you will, is often used to describe those negative feelings and emotions that we carry in from past experiences. It's a collection of hurts, anger, sadness\u2014those negative emotions that we've experienced\u2014some you brought some in, but some you're handed.\r\n\r\nRon:That's right; we get it on the fly.\r\n\r\nNan:Yeah, we were going through marriage, going through life\u2014everything was wonderful\u2014three kids. And then, we were handed a bag.\r\n\r\nRon:\u2014a bag.\r\n\r\nNan:You may have experienced that, where you've gone through a divorce\u2014someone left you\u2014you've lost a job; you've gone through anything that's tragic in this world. \r\n\r\nHere's the one that we were handed\u2014\r\n\r\nRon:It's grief.\r\n\r\nNan:\u2014grief, yes.\r\n\r\nRon:For us, in 2009, our middle son, Connor, died when he was 12. He got a mercer staph infection; and in 10 days, he was gone. Unfortunately, that's the bag that just sort of crumpled up on top of all the other bags that we brought in with us. It's the bag that you don't know how to unpack. You just carry it for life, this side of heaven. And we just have it, but it complicates the stuff that we already had. \r\n\r\nFor me, I came in with this big pride: Deal family pride.\r\n\r\nNan:Ooh, that's a big one right there; that's a big bag. Oh, I\u2019m sorry.\r\n\r\nRon:We sort of had this Deal family pride around: doing the right things for the right reason in the right way. I mean, there is a way to load the dishwasher, if you didn't know.\r\n\r\nNan:Please, please!\r\n\r\nRon:I can tell people in here can relate to that. But we also had the right theology behind it to justify everything that we were doing and why you should believe certain things. If you're going to be right, then you're going to be right! \u201cLet's make sure you're right, Ron.\u201d \r\n\r\nThat became a little control mechanism in our home. It was sort of on me to get it right, if you know what I mean. That was definitely there. And what was at stake was disapproval and a lost us-ness\u2014disapproval of my parents\u2014looking at me like I had disappointed them; and that just killed me. I didn't want to feel that way, ever. And then, it sort of threatened the us-ness of that relationship. You know what I mean?\u2014that sense that you're good and safe in those relationships. \r\n\r\nI had very loving Christian, amazing parents and family; I never thought I was unloved. But I did sort of feel like it was fragile to lose their approval. And because of that, I took this control thing, and I internalized it; I was controlling about myself. I excelled at everything; I tried to push hard and get it right so I could keep the Deal family pride; because if I didn't, then I might just feel like I'm not good enough, like I'm inadequate. \r\n\r\nLittle did I know that I was carrying all of this baggage right into my wedding day. \r\n\r\nNan:\u201cI'm exhausted!\u201d\r\n\r\nRon:\u201cI'm sorry.\u201d\r\n\r\nNan:\u201cHoney,\u201d\u2014\r\n\r\nRon:\u201cI know it's a lot!\u201d\r\n\r\nNan:\u201cIt's a lot.\u201d\r\n\r\nRon:How about you?\r\n\r\nNan:Well, let me tell you about mine. And he did have an amazing Christian home\u2014polar opposite\u2014I did not come from a Christian home. I came from toxic soup. My parents were hurt people. They had been hurt in their lives. Hurt people hurt people, and they really didn't ever do their work. \r\n\r\nI'm the youngest of three girls. I can tell you on one hand how many times I heard the words, \u201cI love you,\u201d \u201cI'm proud of you.\u201d There was not a lot of love in my home. There was lots of yelling; there was lots of cussing; there was lots of anger; there was lots of words being flung at one another; violence and a lot of anger. It was a very unloving environment for all of us. \r\n\r\nThat unloving environment made all of us girls very insecure. All three of us suffered with eating disorders. My oldest sister, Joanne, at the age of 45, lost her battle with anorexia. I believe it was because of that toxic soup that we were swimming in. My dad would go one way; my mom would go one way; my sisters would go their ways. There was no one safe in the home to even process anything. It was rupture after rupture after rupture, and no repair. There are six attachment styles that a child needs from their parents, and we got none of them. \r\n\r\nNow, my dad tried to redeem that at the end of his life; and he tried to do one. But it was a very insecure environment. Lots of shaming messages from that unloving, insecure\u2014I'll do the \u201cG\u201d version\u2014\u201cWhat in the heck were you thinking when you did that?\u201d \u201cWhat in the heck were you doing to do that?\u201d and \u201cDo you really have a brain?\u201d and \u201cYou will never amount to anything,\u201d and \u201cWhy did we have that third child in the first place?\u201d Lots of shame, which sent me into this abandonment. \r\n\r\nI\u2019ll tell you y'all: I remember, at the age of six, thinking, \u201cI really want to escape. I want to get on my bike and never return.\u201d I was always trying to escape in a book; I was always trying to escape with friends. I never felt like I was worthy of love, so I felt a sense of abandonment.\r\n\r\nRon:So that's the baggage we came into marriage with. We thought we only had one little one, but it turns out we had a lot of really big ones. You guys remember getting on the boat the other day? Can you imagine carrying all that onto the ship? And then, you throw what life throws at you, that you didn't expect, to the stuff you brought. And then, there's the natural disaster, or the grief, or the loss, or the divorce, or the whatever that just adds on top of that. \r\n\r\nIt's sort of like we're carrying all of this into our us-ness. And we just innocently came together\u2014\"I do.\u201d \r\n\r\nNan:\u201cI do.\u201d\r\n\r\nRon &amp;amp; Nan:\"We do\u201d; so sweet and stupid. I was 20 years into our marriage before I even had a glimpse of the magnitude of what this stuff was, let alone be able to open up and unpack the different bags. \r\n\r\n\u201cWhat did we do with that?\u201d and \u201cHow does that impact us?\u201d A matter of fact, let's talk about ineffective ways of managing our baggage. We're going to talk about the book of James, [which] is going to help us have a heart posture that's going to help us deal with the baggage in a healthy way. But what are the ineffective things that we do with one another? \r\n\r\nLet me tell you: the first one is looking at the other person's bags and trying to eliminate it. So this is specks: \u201cWhat are you doing?!\u201d\r\n\r\nNan:\u201cNothing; nothing.\u201d\r\n\r\nRon:I'm over here, talking about specks and logs; and \u201cWhat are you doing?!\u201d\r\n\r\nNan: \u201cNothing.\u201d \r\n\r\nRon:\u201cWas that my bag?\u201d\r\n\r\nNan:Yeah, it's your pride bag; and I've been waiting for you to take care of it. I thought, \u201cI\u2019ll just move it out of the way; it's ginormous!\u201d \r\n\r\nRon:\u201cOkay, you've said that twice.\u201d\r\n\r\nNan:\u201cIt's caused me a lot of grief and pain; and I just thought I'd just move it on out of there.\u2019\u201d\r\n\r\nRon:\u201cWell, excuse me.\u201d\r\n\r\nNan:\u201cI really don't think you need it.\u201d\r\n\r\nRon:\u201cAnd by the way, I think this is the pot calling the kettle black. Thank you very much.\u201d\r\n\r\n \r\n\r\nNan:\u201cWhat do you mean the pot calling the kettle black?\u201d\r\n\r\nRon:\u201cRight over there; you've got some pride yourself.\u201d\r\n\r\nNan:\u201cI do not!\u201d\r\n\r\nRon:\u201cRight there. Go look; staring you in the face.\u201d\r\n\r\nNan:\u201cWell, it's not as big as yours!\u201d\r\n\r\nRon:\u201cLet me get this straight: first, you're proud that you don't have any pride. Now, you're proud that you're pride is less than my pride.\u201d\r\n\r\nNan:\u201cYes!\u201d\r\n\r\nRon:\u201cThat is sick right there.\u201d\r\n\r\nNan:\u201cLook how tiny it is.\u201d\r\n\r\nRon:\u201cThat is sick right there; manipulative and sick!\u201d \r\n\r\nWhat's happening right now? What's happening is the strategy of eliminating the other person's bags\u2014looking at the speck in their eye, and being so focused on the speck, and making it our responsibility to get rid of those things in their life only erupts negativity, more conflict, more disruption to our us-ness\u2014it actually just ignites different things within us. We'll talk about what those are in just a minute.\r\n\r\nBut let me tell you about number two: \u201cIneffective way of getting rid of baggage.\u201d And this one is, I think, even more insidious. You got to stay with me for a minute: imagine that I've got these bags, which I do, but I make it her job to eliminate my bags. What she needs to do is love me well enough, or be sweet and kind enough\u2014or whatever it is that I have in that little list in my mind\u2014and that somehow: \u201cHello; what are we doing?\u201d\r\n\r\nNan:\u201cI don't like this bag.\u201d\r\n\r\nRon:\u2014abandonment\u2014\u201cI know you don't.\u201d\r\n\r\nNan:\u201cLet's not talk about it.\u201d\r\n\r\nRon:\u201cOkay.\u201d\r\n\r\nNan:\u201cI really struggled with this for a long time, and I\u2014\r\n\r\nRon:\u201cI'm sorry.\u201d\r\n\r\nNan:\u2014\u201cdo you love me?\u201d\r\n\r\nRon:\u201cI love you so much.\u201d\r\n\r\nNan:\u201cHow much?\u201d\r\n\r\nRon:\u201cMore than anything.\u201d\r\n\r\nNan:\u201cWell, I would like for you to take this for me and handle this.\u201d\r\n\r\nRon:\u201cI'd be happy to; I've seen how hard it is.\u201d\r\n\r\nNan:\u201cI don't do it really well; but hey, you have three degrees, right?\u201d\r\n\r\nRon:\u201cFour, but only my pride is keeping track.\u201d\r\n\r\nNan:\u201cSo you should be well-equipped to handle this bag for me.\u201d\r\n\r\nRon:\u201cI'd be happy to.\u201d\r\n\r\nNan:\u201cAnd you love me so much, right?\u201d\r\n\r\nRon:\u201cWe do.\u201d\r\n\r\nNan:\u201cWe do.\u201d [Kissing]\r\n\r\nRon:\u201cI'll take it.\u201d \r\n\r\nNan:\u201cThank you.\u201d\r\n\r\nRon:\u201cI got it; it's all good.\u201d\r\n\r\nNan:\u201cAppreciate that so much.\u201d \r\n\r\nRon:\u201cWhoa, whoa, whoa.\u201d\r\n\r\nNan:\u201cI said, \u2018Take the bag.\u2019\u201d\r\n\r\nRon:\u201cI'm trying; let it go.\u201d\r\n\r\nNan:\u201cTake the bag.\u201d\r\n\r\nRon:\u201cI'm trying.\u201d\r\n\r\nNan:\u201cWork your magic. Take the bag!\u201d\r\n\r\nRon:\u201cWell, obviously, it's tethered to you; so I don't know what to do about that.\u201d\r\n\r\nNan:\u201cOkay, you said you loved me!\u201d\r\n\r\nRon:\u201cI do, but I can't eliminate this.\u201d \r\n\r\nNan:\u201cI don't think you're trying hard enough!\u201d\r\n\r\nRon:\u201cNow, I'm feeling inadequate. Hello! Why don't you fix my inadequacy?!\u201d\r\n\r\nNan:\u201cNo! No, no, no, no.\u201d\r\n\r\nRon:\u201cWhy don\u2019t you just take that?!\u201d\r\n\r\nNan:\u201cNo, no, no, no, no, no. Take your own bag.\u201d \r\n\r\nRon:\u201cWhere are you going?\u201d \r\n\r\nNan:\u201cOkay, fine, fine, fine, fine; I'll deal with this myself! Thank you for nothing now.\u201d\r\n\r\n \r\n\r\nRon:Okay, so what's happening? The strategy: trying to eliminate; to eliminate our bags by getting the other\u2014\r\n\r\nNan:What's happening is we just gave you a glimpse into our 39-year marriage!\r\n\r\nRon:This is real life!\r\n\r\nNan:Sorry, that just came up. \r\n\r\nRon:And here's what I know: everybody in this room can relate to something you just saw.\r\n\r\n[Studio]\r\n\r\nAnn:We're Ann and Dave Wilson, and you're listening to FamilyLife Today. We're actually listening to a talk that was given on the Love Like You Mean It cruise by Ron and Nan Deal.\r\n\r\nDave:Yeah, we were sitting right there in the audience, like you're sitting now, listening. It, as you can tell: man, they are getting into some stuff that nobody talks about. And you're only halfway through.\r\n\r\nAnn:I think this next part is so good; because they talk about how pain is inevitable, but God can be trusted with it.\r\n\r\n[Message]\r\n\r\nNan:But He gives us more grace. That's what the Scripture says in James 4:6: \u201cGod opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.\u201d\r\n\r\nRon:\u201cGod opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.\u201d Here's the equation of how to deal with the bad equation: if you come before God in pride, He's going to oppose you. By the way, that little phrase is repeated multiple times throughout the Old and New Testaments. I've kind of given up keeping track; but I've found over 30 examples of where that phrase is repeated, almost exactly word for word. And in many other occasions, it's worded a little differently, but the meaning is carried forward. \r\n\r\nHere's the bottom line: if you come to God; and you go, \u201cMan, I so don't really need You, Lord. I'm smart enough to figure out how to do life. I got my own rules; I got my own way. I'm going to do it my way; thank You very much. I don't need You; I got this,\u201d\u2014that's a posture of pride. And God's going to say, \u201cOh little man, I need to show you yourself; and I'm going to oppose you.\u201d \r\n\r\nThis is the story of the Bible: God opposed Satan and kicked him out of heaven. God opposed Adam and Eve and kicked them out. And God's been opposing prideful people ever since, story after story, after story. We get to the New Testament. One of the prime examples is this guy named Saul, who is opposing the Christians. In that pride, God opposes him and blinds him on the road to Damascus\u2014gets his attention; humbles his heart\u2014and all of a sudden, he's now in a different posture before God, saying in humility, \u201cI come before You. Who are You? Teach me.\u201d And now, God has got a hold of him. And what does He give him?\u2014grace, grace; grace to the point where he writes most of the New Testament. This is the process of us following Him and turning ourselves over to Him. But as long as we're blinded by our pride, we just get opposition. \r\n\r\nWe think that principle works, not only vertically, but it works horizontally in earthly relationships. If it works there\u2014and we're made in His image\u2014it's going to work here. God opposes the proud, and so does your spouse. When you take charge of how she's supposed to do life\u2014how to deal with her bags and how she's supposed to load the dishwasher\u2014you're going to invite her to oppose you; you're going to have natural tension. \r\n\r\nBut if I, in humility, say\u2014\u201cI don't got this, God. I need You, and I'm coming before You, humbly owning who I've been, and what I've done, and how I've been, and I want to change that,\u201d\u2014and I put on a posture of humility before her, we think that invites a grace from her. It invites a softening from her\u2014and invites a more apt to forgive\u2014more apt to partner alongside. Maybe, just maybe, she might be encouraged indirectly to do her own humility work: to do her own examination of what she needs to do and how she needs to be different. \r\n\r\nNow, you have two people coming together, who are owning their stuff, and trying to bring a better self to this us-ness. We may have started stupid, but we're getting better at it.\r\n\r\nNan:We are.\r\n\r\nRon:\u201cI do.\u201d\r\n\r\nNan:\u201cI do.\u201d\r\n\r\nRon:\u201cWe do.\u201d \r\n\r\nNan:\u201cWe do.\u201d\r\n\r\nI'm going to tell you all a story that I didn't tell the other group, so you're special! I\u2019ll tell a story on me. Long, long ago, we were living in Jonesboro. [Ron] just started ministry, and Ron wanted me to speak with him. I did\u2014during that stupid phase\u2014we spoke; and then, afterwards, he critiqued me.\r\n\r\nRon:Control!\r\n\r\nNan:And not knowing that I had a big bag of this, I said, \u201cIt'll be a cold day in hell when I speak with you again.\u201d \r\n\r\nRon:Is it cold outside? \r\n\r\nNan:Is it cold outside?!\r\n\r\nRon:I don't think so; here we are.\r\n\r\nNan:Let me just tell you: 2020 was very good for me; it's when I hit bottom. It's when I humbled myself before the Lord; and I surrendered, after decades of this\u2014over my family of origin: \u201cWhy that family?\u201d; over Ron and all of his wonderful ministry stuff; I didn't like him very much\u2014y'all were fans\u2014but I was not a fan; over the loss of my son: until I get to heaven, I still don't understand that one. It is not good to bury a 12-year-old boy, but God is good. \r\n\r\nUntil I surrendered\u2014and I started trusting Him, and I humbled myself before Him\u2014I couldn't unpack any of this. But He is good; and He is gentle; and He is gracious and merciful; and He can help you unpack it. He can help you look at it. He can help you say: \u201cYou know what?\u2014you are loved. You know what?\u2014you have security in Me. You know what?\u2014you don't need to be Ron's Holy Spirit anymore; I got that job.\u201d And He says, \u201cYou are My daughter\u201d; and He's never left me nor forsaken me, not even on my darkest, darkest 16 years of losing my son. He is a good, good Father; but I had to surrender to Him. [Applause]\r\n\r\nRon:We unpack\u2014we join the Holy Spirit\u2014and this is how this stuff gets redeemed.\r\n\r\nNan:It does; thank God.\r\n\r\nRon:It is work.\r\n\r\nNan:Thank God.\r\n\r\nRon:It is hard; it is a journey. It is not overnight. God, in His kindness, will just sort of shave off little parts of you at a time as you can take it, as you can receive it. I think, this side of heaven, we continue to unpack and try to get more and more like Jesus; but it starts with that humble heart. \r\n\r\nLet's go back to James, because he continues about what to do about the unmet desires:\u2014\r\n\r\nNan:Yeah, our firm foundation.\r\n\r\nRon:\u2014verse 7. \r\n\r\nNan:Verse 7: \u201cSubmit yourselves then to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Draw near to God, and He will draw near to you. Wash your hands, you sinners; purify your hearts you double-minded. Grieve, and mourn, and wail over your sinfulness. Change your laughter to mourning; your joy to gloom. Humble yourselves before the Lord, and He will lift you up.\u201d\r\n\r\nRon:Listen to the verbs: submit; resist the devil; draw near to God; grieve all this sin\u2014and the stuff that goes with it, and the reactivity that comes out of it\u2014grieve over that. Recognize it for what it is, and humble yourself. He's the One who lifts.\r\n\r\nNan:Pain is inevitable; we live in a fallen world this side of heaven. We live in a broken, fallen world with disease and sin. We walk amongst broken people\u2014me being one of the chief sinners\u2014and God is going to be faithful to you and your journey with your baggage, with anything that comes your way. \r\n\r\nI want to share with you just a little sweet nugget that He gave me, not long after Connor passed away, and we had laid him to rest. I was spending some time in his bedroom one day, and I found his Bible. In his Bible\u2014we had been doing devotionals earlier that year in the book of Proverbs\u2014he had highlighted just a few verses in Proverbs in 3:5,6. I feel like that was a little gift from my son, but it was definitely a gift from God; because I say those verses every single day now: \u201cTrust in the Lord,\u201d\u2014Nan\u2014\"with all your heart; and don't lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Me,\u201d\u2014sweet girl\u2014\"and I will direct your paths.\u201d \r\n\r\nThat family picture that we put up there\u2014that's painful to show you that\u2014because Connor's not in that picture the way I want him. Pain is inevitable,\r\n\r\nbut you can trust God with your pain. I want my son up in that picture. Now, our family carries him the way we know how and the way that God has helped us to carry him. But I'd love for you to see him in that picture with all of us, present day. But he is in that picture\u2014he's in our family\u2014he'll never not be in our family. \r\n\r\nI want to tell you something sweet. He's in that grandson's name. Connor's name is Connor Lee Deal. And Austin's name is Austin Lee Humphrey Deal. We have a mighty God\u2014Who saves; He redeems; Who is merciful; Who is loving\u2014He will never leave you; He will never forsake you. Trust Him with all your baggage; trust Him with your blinders; trust Him with everything that comes your way. He will direct your paths\u2014it might not be easy\u2014but He is worthy of following and trusting.\r\n\r\nRon:So realignment\u2014refreshing this us-ness\u2014\r\n\r\nNan:Thank You, Lord.\r\n\r\nRon:\u2014starts with me\u2014\r\n\r\nNan:\u2014with me.\r\n\r\nRon:\u2014humbly dealing with me. Everything in me wants to deal with her\u2014wants to get her to be something for me that I need her to do so, somehow, I feel better\u2014but that doesn't work. That's just cotton candy; it's here, and it's gone. What works is me submitting to God. In fact, listen to the verbs again: submit; resist the devil; draw near to God; grieve over who and how you've been; and humble yourself.\r\n\r\n[Studio]\r\n\r\nDave:I mean, it's such a powerful message from Ron and Nan Deal from the Love Like You Mean It cruise. \r\n\r\nWe're Dave and Ann Wilson. I'm telling you: we would love to see you on the cruise with us next year. Right now, you can get the best deal anybody's ever going to get to sign up for the cruise. It's going to be February 14 through the 21st in 2026.\r\n\r\nAnn:And don't wait too long, because the ship is already 60 percent full. You're going to want to be able to pick that room that you want and join us on the Love Like You Mean It  marriage cruise.\r\n\r\nDave:Yeah, so you can sign up at FamilyLifeToday.com. Or if you'd like, give us a call at 800-358-6329. That's 800-F as in Family, L as in Life, and the word, TODAY.\r\n\r\nFamilyLife Today is a donor-supported production of FamilyLife\u00ae, a Cru\u00ae Ministry. \r\n\r\nHelping you pursue the relationships that matter most.\r\n\r\nIf you\u2019ve benefited from the FamilyLife Today transcripts, would you consider donating today to help defray the costs of producing them and making them available online?  \r\n\r\nCopyright \u00a9 2025 FamilyLife. All rights reserved.\r\n\r\nwww.FamilyLife.com                                 \r\n\r\n\n"],"_uag_css_file_name":["uag-css-313269.css"],"_uag_js_file_name":["uag-js-313269.js"],"_uag_page_assets":["a:9:{s:3:\"css\";s:82560:\".wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape-top svg{width: calc( 100% + 1.3px );}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape.uagb-container__shape-top .uagb-container__shape-fill{fill: rgba(51,51,51,1);}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape-bottom svg{width: calc( 100% + 1.3px );}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape.uagb-container__shape-bottom .uagb-container__shape-fill{fill: rgba(51,51,51,1);}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__video-wrap video{opacity: 1;}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-is-root-container .uagb-block-e11dbe9f{max-width: 100%;width: 100%;}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-is-root-container.alignfull.uagb-block-e11dbe9f 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});\";s:18:\"current_block_list\";a:17:{i:0;s:14:\"uagb\/container\";i:1;s:12:\"core\/heading\";i:2;s:9:\"core\/html\";i:3;s:10:\"core\/group\";i:6;s:21:\"uagb\/advanced-heading\";i:7;s:14:\"uagb\/separator\";i:8;s:14:\"uagb\/icon-list\";i:9;s:20:\"uagb\/icon-list-child\";i:10;s:11:\"core\/search\";i:13;s:18:\"core\/legacy-widget\";i:16;s:10:\"uagb\/image\";i:17;s:17:\"core\/social-links\";i:18;s:16:\"core\/social-link\";i:19;s:14:\"core\/paragraph\";i:20;s:30:\"meta-box\/fl-conditional-blocks\";i:21;s:12:\"uagb\/buttons\";i:22;s:18:\"uagb\/buttons-child\";}s:8:\"uag_flag\";b:1;s:11:\"uag_version\";i:1776492196;s:6:\"gfonts\";a:1:{s:7:\"Default\";a:2:{s:10:\"fontfamily\";s:7:\"Default\";s:12:\"fontvariants\";a:0:{}}}s:10:\"gfonts_url\";s:71:\"\/\/fonts.googleapis.com\/css?family=Default&subset=latin&display=fallback\";s:12:\"gfonts_files\";a:0:{}s:14:\"uag_faq_layout\";b:0;}"]},"uagb_featured_image_src":{"full":["https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2025\/02\/image_bbee74.jpg",1024,1024,true]},"uagb_author_info":{"display_name":"Margaret","author_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/author\/margaret-coylefamilylife-com\/"},"uagb_comment_info":0,"uagb_excerpt":"We all bring baggage into our relationships, but some baggage is heavier than others. Today, we explore the often unspoken burdens many couples carry.","meta_box":{"show_notes":"\n<ul>\n<li><a href=\"https:\/\/www.marriagecruise.com\/\">Reserve your spot for the 2026 Love Like You Mean It Cruise<\/a><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<hr>\n<ul>\n<li>Find resources from this podcast at <a href=\"https:\/\/shop.familylife.com\/product-category\/radio-resources\/\">shop.familylife.com<\/a>.<\/li>\n<li><a href=\"https:\/\/shop.familylife.com\/product-category\/past-radio-resources\/\">See resources from our past podcasts.<\/a><\/li>\n<li>Find more content and resources on the <a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/flministries\/app\/\">FamilyLife's app<\/a>!<\/li>\n<li>Help others find FamilyLife. Leave a review on <a href=\"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303\">Apple Podcast<\/a> or <a href=\"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm?si=d6dfa8d2415f4750\">Spotify<\/a>.<\/li>\n<li>Check out all the FamilyLife's podcasts on the <a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/flministries\/familylife-podcast-network\/\">FamilyLife Podcast Network<\/a><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n\n","transcript_url":"https:\/\/transcript.familylife.com\/fl2025-03-10.pdf","transcript_content":"\nFamilyLife Today\u00ae with Dave and Ann Wilson - Web Version Transcript\r\n\r\nThis content has been generated by an artificial intelligence language model. While we strive for accuracy and quality, please note that the information provided will most likely not be entirely error-free or up-to-date. We recommend independently verifying the content with the originally-released audio. This transcript is provided for your personal use and general information purposes only. References to conferences, resources, or other special promotions may be obsolete. We do not assume any responsibility or liability for the use or interpretation of this content.\r\n\r\nUnpacking Your Marriage Baggage\r\n\r\nGuests:Ron and Nan Deal\r\n\r\nFrom the series:Love Like You Mean It 2025 (Day 1 of 1)\r\n\r\nAir date:March 10, 2025\r\n\r\nRon:God, in His kindness, will just sort of shave off little parts of you at a time as you can take it, as you can receive it. I think, this side of heaven, we continue to unpack and try to get more and more like Jesus; but it starts with that humble heart.\r\n\r\nAnn:Welcome to FamilyLife Today, where we want to help you pursue the relationships that matter most. I'm Ann Wilson.\r\n\r\nDave:And I'm Dave Wilson. And you can find us at FamilyLifeToday.com. This is FamilyLife Today. \r\n\r\nDave:Hey, we're Dave and Ann Wilson. We just got off the FamilyLife Love Like You Mean It cruise. It was absolutely\u2014and I'm not exaggerating\u2014fantastic.\r\n\r\nAnn:You have got to go on this cruise; and now, is the time to sign up. The cruise will be next year, 2026, February 14 through the 21st.\r\n\r\nDave:\u2014which by the way, is our 15th annual cruise and our 50th year of FamilyLife. So it's going to be an epic, epic\u2014 \r\n\r\nAnn:\u2014anniversary.\r\n\r\nDave:Can I say it again?\u2014epic cruise. You don't want to miss this one. You can sign up, right now in March, because you get the lowest price of the year if you sign up during March.\r\n\r\nAnn:And listen to this: we're currently closing in on being 60 percent full, so get your tickets now.\r\n\r\nDave:Yeah, so you can sign up right now at FamilyLifeToday.com; or give us a call at 800-358-6329. That's 800-F as in Family, L as in Life, and the word, TODAY.\r\n\r\nAnn:And this is the great part about today: you're going to get to hear a message from the cruise by Ron and Nan Deal, which to me was one of my favorites. They're all so good, but this one really hit home for us.\r\n\r\nDave:It hit home for everybody on the boat. It was powerful; it was life-changing. And the good thing is you're going to be sitting in the auditorium with us on the boat as you listen to this, so sit back. Let God speak to you through Ron and Nan. This is a powerful life-changing message.\r\n\r\n[Love Like You Mean It Message]\r\n\r\nRon:Well, what started that whole mess was the two of us deciding that we were going to get married 39 years ago. We came together; we just grabbed a bag like, \u201cGoing on\u2014\r\n\r\nNan:\u2014\u201cby the grace of God,\u201d \u201c\u2026by the grace of God.\u201d\r\n\r\nRon:That\u2019s right; we're just going to go on our honeymoon. We got one bag; that's all that we needed. We came together: \u201cI do,\u201d \u201cI do,\u201d\u2014\u201cYou do?\u201d \r\n\r\nNan:\u201cI do,\u201d\u2014\r\n\r\nRon:\u2014that means \u201cWe do.\u201d \r\n\r\nNan:\u201cWe do.\u201d [Kissing]\r\n\r\nRon:And we were so stupid. [Laughter]\r\n\r\nNan:Well, you were stupid; I wasn't stupid. You were 19; what were you thinking?\r\n\r\nRon:Yeah, I was stupid.\r\n\r\nNan:But little did we know that on that day when we said, \u201cI do,\u201d we had a lot\u2014\r\n\r\nRon &amp;amp; Nan: \u2014a lot of baggage. \r\n\r\nNan:I don't know if we tucked it away in the closet, or we put it in the trunk of your big LeSabre, but we brought into the marriage a lot of baggage.\r\n\r\nRon:It fit into the LeSabre for sure; that was a giant car.\r\n\r\nNan:It would've fit.\r\n\r\nRon:But unfortunately, all this stuff is actually fitting into your heart; you walked through life with it. But we didn't have any earthly idea.\r\n\r\nNan:We didn't have a clue.\r\n\r\nRon:I'm wondering about you: \u201cYou got baggage?\u201d\r\n\r\nNan:[Audience response] I heard a \u201cNo.\u201d [Laughter] Sarcastically, \u201cYes.\u201d Hey, I've got a definition. Would you like to hear it?\r\n\r\nRon:\u2014a definition of baggage?\r\n\r\nRon:Yes; yes, please.\r\n\r\nNan:Emotional baggage, if you will, is often used to describe those negative feelings and emotions that we carry in from past experiences. It's a collection of hurts, anger, sadness\u2014those negative emotions that we've experienced\u2014some you brought some in, but some you're handed.\r\n\r\nRon:That's right; we get it on the fly.\r\n\r\nNan:Yeah, we were going through marriage, going through life\u2014everything was wonderful\u2014three kids. And then, we were handed a bag.\r\n\r\nRon:\u2014a bag.\r\n\r\nNan:You may have experienced that, where you've gone through a divorce\u2014someone left you\u2014you've lost a job; you've gone through anything that's tragic in this world. \r\n\r\nHere's the one that we were handed\u2014\r\n\r\nRon:It's grief.\r\n\r\nNan:\u2014grief, yes.\r\n\r\nRon:For us, in 2009, our middle son, Connor, died when he was 12. He got a mercer staph infection; and in 10 days, he was gone. Unfortunately, that's the bag that just sort of crumpled up on top of all the other bags that we brought in with us. It's the bag that you don't know how to unpack. You just carry it for life, this side of heaven. And we just have it, but it complicates the stuff that we already had. \r\n\r\nFor me, I came in with this big pride: Deal family pride.\r\n\r\nNan:Ooh, that's a big one right there; that's a big bag. Oh, I\u2019m sorry.\r\n\r\nRon:We sort of had this Deal family pride around: doing the right things for the right reason in the right way. I mean, there is a way to load the dishwasher, if you didn't know.\r\n\r\nNan:Please, please!\r\n\r\nRon:I can tell people in here can relate to that. But we also had the right theology behind it to justify everything that we were doing and why you should believe certain things. If you're going to be right, then you're going to be right! \u201cLet's make sure you're right, Ron.\u201d \r\n\r\nThat became a little control mechanism in our home. It was sort of on me to get it right, if you know what I mean. That was definitely there. And what was at stake was disapproval and a lost us-ness\u2014disapproval of my parents\u2014looking at me like I had disappointed them; and that just killed me. I didn't want to feel that way, ever. And then, it sort of threatened the us-ness of that relationship. You know what I mean?\u2014that sense that you're good and safe in those relationships. \r\n\r\nI had very loving Christian, amazing parents and family; I never thought I was unloved. But I did sort of feel like it was fragile to lose their approval. And because of that, I took this control thing, and I internalized it; I was controlling about myself. I excelled at everything; I tried to push hard and get it right so I could keep the Deal family pride; because if I didn't, then I might just feel like I'm not good enough, like I'm inadequate. \r\n\r\nLittle did I know that I was carrying all of this baggage right into my wedding day. \r\n\r\nNan:\u201cI'm exhausted!\u201d\r\n\r\nRon:\u201cI'm sorry.\u201d\r\n\r\nNan:\u201cHoney,\u201d\u2014\r\n\r\nRon:\u201cI know it's a lot!\u201d\r\n\r\nNan:\u201cIt's a lot.\u201d\r\n\r\nRon:How about you?\r\n\r\nNan:Well, let me tell you about mine. And he did have an amazing Christian home\u2014polar opposite\u2014I did not come from a Christian home. I came from toxic soup. My parents were hurt people. They had been hurt in their lives. Hurt people hurt people, and they really didn't ever do their work. \r\n\r\nI'm the youngest of three girls. I can tell you on one hand how many times I heard the words, \u201cI love you,\u201d \u201cI'm proud of you.\u201d There was not a lot of love in my home. There was lots of yelling; there was lots of cussing; there was lots of anger; there was lots of words being flung at one another; violence and a lot of anger. It was a very unloving environment for all of us. \r\n\r\nThat unloving environment made all of us girls very insecure. All three of us suffered with eating disorders. My oldest sister, Joanne, at the age of 45, lost her battle with anorexia. I believe it was because of that toxic soup that we were swimming in. My dad would go one way; my mom would go one way; my sisters would go their ways. There was no one safe in the home to even process anything. It was rupture after rupture after rupture, and no repair. There are six attachment styles that a child needs from their parents, and we got none of them. \r\n\r\nNow, my dad tried to redeem that at the end of his life; and he tried to do one. But it was a very insecure environment. Lots of shaming messages from that unloving, insecure\u2014I'll do the \u201cG\u201d version\u2014\u201cWhat in the heck were you thinking when you did that?\u201d \u201cWhat in the heck were you doing to do that?\u201d and \u201cDo you really have a brain?\u201d and \u201cYou will never amount to anything,\u201d and \u201cWhy did we have that third child in the first place?\u201d Lots of shame, which sent me into this abandonment. \r\n\r\nI\u2019ll tell you y'all: I remember, at the age of six, thinking, \u201cI really want to escape. I want to get on my bike and never return.\u201d I was always trying to escape in a book; I was always trying to escape with friends. I never felt like I was worthy of love, so I felt a sense of abandonment.\r\n\r\nRon:So that's the baggage we came into marriage with. We thought we only had one little one, but it turns out we had a lot of really big ones. You guys remember getting on the boat the other day? Can you imagine carrying all that onto the ship? And then, you throw what life throws at you, that you didn't expect, to the stuff you brought. And then, there's the natural disaster, or the grief, or the loss, or the divorce, or the whatever that just adds on top of that. \r\n\r\nIt's sort of like we're carrying all of this into our us-ness. And we just innocently came together\u2014\"I do.\u201d \r\n\r\nNan:\u201cI do.\u201d\r\n\r\nRon &amp;amp; Nan:\"We do\u201d; so sweet and stupid. I was 20 years into our marriage before I even had a glimpse of the magnitude of what this stuff was, let alone be able to open up and unpack the different bags. \r\n\r\n\u201cWhat did we do with that?\u201d and \u201cHow does that impact us?\u201d A matter of fact, let's talk about ineffective ways of managing our baggage. We're going to talk about the book of James, [which] is going to help us have a heart posture that's going to help us deal with the baggage in a healthy way. But what are the ineffective things that we do with one another? \r\n\r\nLet me tell you: the first one is looking at the other person's bags and trying to eliminate it. So this is specks: \u201cWhat are you doing?!\u201d\r\n\r\nNan:\u201cNothing; nothing.\u201d\r\n\r\nRon:I'm over here, talking about specks and logs; and \u201cWhat are you doing?!\u201d\r\n\r\nNan: \u201cNothing.\u201d \r\n\r\nRon:\u201cWas that my bag?\u201d\r\n\r\nNan:Yeah, it's your pride bag; and I've been waiting for you to take care of it. I thought, \u201cI\u2019ll just move it out of the way; it's ginormous!\u201d \r\n\r\nRon:\u201cOkay, you've said that twice.\u201d\r\n\r\nNan:\u201cIt's caused me a lot of grief and pain; and I just thought I'd just move it on out of there.\u2019\u201d\r\n\r\nRon:\u201cWell, excuse me.\u201d\r\n\r\nNan:\u201cI really don't think you need it.\u201d\r\n\r\nRon:\u201cAnd by the way, I think this is the pot calling the kettle black. Thank you very much.\u201d\r\n\r\n \r\n\r\nNan:\u201cWhat do you mean the pot calling the kettle black?\u201d\r\n\r\nRon:\u201cRight over there; you've got some pride yourself.\u201d\r\n\r\nNan:\u201cI do not!\u201d\r\n\r\nRon:\u201cRight there. Go look; staring you in the face.\u201d\r\n\r\nNan:\u201cWell, it's not as big as yours!\u201d\r\n\r\nRon:\u201cLet me get this straight: first, you're proud that you don't have any pride. Now, you're proud that you're pride is less than my pride.\u201d\r\n\r\nNan:\u201cYes!\u201d\r\n\r\nRon:\u201cThat is sick right there.\u201d\r\n\r\nNan:\u201cLook how tiny it is.\u201d\r\n\r\nRon:\u201cThat is sick right there; manipulative and sick!\u201d \r\n\r\nWhat's happening right now? What's happening is the strategy of eliminating the other person's bags\u2014looking at the speck in their eye, and being so focused on the speck, and making it our responsibility to get rid of those things in their life only erupts negativity, more conflict, more disruption to our us-ness\u2014it actually just ignites different things within us. We'll talk about what those are in just a minute.\r\n\r\nBut let me tell you about number two: \u201cIneffective way of getting rid of baggage.\u201d And this one is, I think, even more insidious. You got to stay with me for a minute: imagine that I've got these bags, which I do, but I make it her job to eliminate my bags. What she needs to do is love me well enough, or be sweet and kind enough\u2014or whatever it is that I have in that little list in my mind\u2014and that somehow: \u201cHello; what are we doing?\u201d\r\n\r\nNan:\u201cI don't like this bag.\u201d\r\n\r\nRon:\u2014abandonment\u2014\u201cI know you don't.\u201d\r\n\r\nNan:\u201cLet's not talk about it.\u201d\r\n\r\nRon:\u201cOkay.\u201d\r\n\r\nNan:\u201cI really struggled with this for a long time, and I\u2014\r\n\r\nRon:\u201cI'm sorry.\u201d\r\n\r\nNan:\u2014\u201cdo you love me?\u201d\r\n\r\nRon:\u201cI love you so much.\u201d\r\n\r\nNan:\u201cHow much?\u201d\r\n\r\nRon:\u201cMore than anything.\u201d\r\n\r\nNan:\u201cWell, I would like for you to take this for me and handle this.\u201d\r\n\r\nRon:\u201cI'd be happy to; I've seen how hard it is.\u201d\r\n\r\nNan:\u201cI don't do it really well; but hey, you have three degrees, right?\u201d\r\n\r\nRon:\u201cFour, but only my pride is keeping track.\u201d\r\n\r\nNan:\u201cSo you should be well-equipped to handle this bag for me.\u201d\r\n\r\nRon:\u201cI'd be happy to.\u201d\r\n\r\nNan:\u201cAnd you love me so much, right?\u201d\r\n\r\nRon:\u201cWe do.\u201d\r\n\r\nNan:\u201cWe do.\u201d [Kissing]\r\n\r\nRon:\u201cI'll take it.\u201d \r\n\r\nNan:\u201cThank you.\u201d\r\n\r\nRon:\u201cI got it; it's all good.\u201d\r\n\r\nNan:\u201cAppreciate that so much.\u201d \r\n\r\nRon:\u201cWhoa, whoa, whoa.\u201d\r\n\r\nNan:\u201cI said, \u2018Take the bag.\u2019\u201d\r\n\r\nRon:\u201cI'm trying; let it go.\u201d\r\n\r\nNan:\u201cTake the bag.\u201d\r\n\r\nRon:\u201cI'm trying.\u201d\r\n\r\nNan:\u201cWork your magic. Take the bag!\u201d\r\n\r\nRon:\u201cWell, obviously, it's tethered to you; so I don't know what to do about that.\u201d\r\n\r\nNan:\u201cOkay, you said you loved me!\u201d\r\n\r\nRon:\u201cI do, but I can't eliminate this.\u201d \r\n\r\nNan:\u201cI don't think you're trying hard enough!\u201d\r\n\r\nRon:\u201cNow, I'm feeling inadequate. Hello! Why don't you fix my inadequacy?!\u201d\r\n\r\nNan:\u201cNo! No, no, no, no.\u201d\r\n\r\nRon:\u201cWhy don\u2019t you just take that?!\u201d\r\n\r\nNan:\u201cNo, no, no, no, no, no. Take your own bag.\u201d \r\n\r\nRon:\u201cWhere are you going?\u201d \r\n\r\nNan:\u201cOkay, fine, fine, fine, fine; I'll deal with this myself! Thank you for nothing now.\u201d\r\n\r\n \r\n\r\nRon:Okay, so what's happening? The strategy: trying to eliminate; to eliminate our bags by getting the other\u2014\r\n\r\nNan:What's happening is we just gave you a glimpse into our 39-year marriage!\r\n\r\nRon:This is real life!\r\n\r\nNan:Sorry, that just came up. \r\n\r\nRon:And here's what I know: everybody in this room can relate to something you just saw.\r\n\r\n[Studio]\r\n\r\nAnn:We're Ann and Dave Wilson, and you're listening to FamilyLife Today. We're actually listening to a talk that was given on the Love Like You Mean It cruise by Ron and Nan Deal.\r\n\r\nDave:Yeah, we were sitting right there in the audience, like you're sitting now, listening. It, as you can tell: man, they are getting into some stuff that nobody talks about. And you're only halfway through.\r\n\r\nAnn:I think this next part is so good; because they talk about how pain is inevitable, but God can be trusted with it.\r\n\r\n[Message]\r\n\r\nNan:But He gives us more grace. That's what the Scripture says in James 4:6: \u201cGod opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.\u201d\r\n\r\nRon:\u201cGod opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.\u201d Here's the equation of how to deal with the bad equation: if you come before God in pride, He's going to oppose you. By the way, that little phrase is repeated multiple times throughout the Old and New Testaments. I've kind of given up keeping track; but I've found over 30 examples of where that phrase is repeated, almost exactly word for word. And in many other occasions, it's worded a little differently, but the meaning is carried forward. \r\n\r\nHere's the bottom line: if you come to God; and you go, \u201cMan, I so don't really need You, Lord. I'm smart enough to figure out how to do life. I got my own rules; I got my own way. I'm going to do it my way; thank You very much. I don't need You; I got this,\u201d\u2014that's a posture of pride. And God's going to say, \u201cOh little man, I need to show you yourself; and I'm going to oppose you.\u201d \r\n\r\nThis is the story of the Bible: God opposed Satan and kicked him out of heaven. God opposed Adam and Eve and kicked them out. And God's been opposing prideful people ever since, story after story, after story. We get to the New Testament. One of the prime examples is this guy named Saul, who is opposing the Christians. In that pride, God opposes him and blinds him on the road to Damascus\u2014gets his attention; humbles his heart\u2014and all of a sudden, he's now in a different posture before God, saying in humility, \u201cI come before You. Who are You? Teach me.\u201d And now, God has got a hold of him. And what does He give him?\u2014grace, grace; grace to the point where he writes most of the New Testament. This is the process of us following Him and turning ourselves over to Him. But as long as we're blinded by our pride, we just get opposition. \r\n\r\nWe think that principle works, not only vertically, but it works horizontally in earthly relationships. If it works there\u2014and we're made in His image\u2014it's going to work here. God opposes the proud, and so does your spouse. When you take charge of how she's supposed to do life\u2014how to deal with her bags and how she's supposed to load the dishwasher\u2014you're going to invite her to oppose you; you're going to have natural tension. \r\n\r\nBut if I, in humility, say\u2014\u201cI don't got this, God. I need You, and I'm coming before You, humbly owning who I've been, and what I've done, and how I've been, and I want to change that,\u201d\u2014and I put on a posture of humility before her, we think that invites a grace from her. It invites a softening from her\u2014and invites a more apt to forgive\u2014more apt to partner alongside. Maybe, just maybe, she might be encouraged indirectly to do her own humility work: to do her own examination of what she needs to do and how she needs to be different. \r\n\r\nNow, you have two people coming together, who are owning their stuff, and trying to bring a better self to this us-ness. We may have started stupid, but we're getting better at it.\r\n\r\nNan:We are.\r\n\r\nRon:\u201cI do.\u201d\r\n\r\nNan:\u201cI do.\u201d\r\n\r\nRon:\u201cWe do.\u201d \r\n\r\nNan:\u201cWe do.\u201d\r\n\r\nI'm going to tell you all a story that I didn't tell the other group, so you're special! I\u2019ll tell a story on me. Long, long ago, we were living in Jonesboro. [Ron] just started ministry, and Ron wanted me to speak with him. I did\u2014during that stupid phase\u2014we spoke; and then, afterwards, he critiqued me.\r\n\r\nRon:Control!\r\n\r\nNan:And not knowing that I had a big bag of this, I said, \u201cIt'll be a cold day in hell when I speak with you again.\u201d \r\n\r\nRon:Is it cold outside? \r\n\r\nNan:Is it cold outside?!\r\n\r\nRon:I don't think so; here we are.\r\n\r\nNan:Let me just tell you: 2020 was very good for me; it's when I hit bottom. It's when I humbled myself before the Lord; and I surrendered, after decades of this\u2014over my family of origin: \u201cWhy that family?\u201d; over Ron and all of his wonderful ministry stuff; I didn't like him very much\u2014y'all were fans\u2014but I was not a fan; over the loss of my son: until I get to heaven, I still don't understand that one. It is not good to bury a 12-year-old boy, but God is good. \r\n\r\nUntil I surrendered\u2014and I started trusting Him, and I humbled myself before Him\u2014I couldn't unpack any of this. But He is good; and He is gentle; and He is gracious and merciful; and He can help you unpack it. He can help you look at it. He can help you say: \u201cYou know what?\u2014you are loved. You know what?\u2014you have security in Me. You know what?\u2014you don't need to be Ron's Holy Spirit anymore; I got that job.\u201d And He says, \u201cYou are My daughter\u201d; and He's never left me nor forsaken me, not even on my darkest, darkest 16 years of losing my son. He is a good, good Father; but I had to surrender to Him. [Applause]\r\n\r\nRon:We unpack\u2014we join the Holy Spirit\u2014and this is how this stuff gets redeemed.\r\n\r\nNan:It does; thank God.\r\n\r\nRon:It is work.\r\n\r\nNan:Thank God.\r\n\r\nRon:It is hard; it is a journey. It is not overnight. God, in His kindness, will just sort of shave off little parts of you at a time as you can take it, as you can receive it. I think, this side of heaven, we continue to unpack and try to get more and more like Jesus; but it starts with that humble heart. \r\n\r\nLet's go back to James, because he continues about what to do about the unmet desires:\u2014\r\n\r\nNan:Yeah, our firm foundation.\r\n\r\nRon:\u2014verse 7. \r\n\r\nNan:Verse 7: \u201cSubmit yourselves then to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Draw near to God, and He will draw near to you. Wash your hands, you sinners; purify your hearts you double-minded. Grieve, and mourn, and wail over your sinfulness. Change your laughter to mourning; your joy to gloom. Humble yourselves before the Lord, and He will lift you up.\u201d\r\n\r\nRon:Listen to the verbs: submit; resist the devil; draw near to God; grieve all this sin\u2014and the stuff that goes with it, and the reactivity that comes out of it\u2014grieve over that. Recognize it for what it is, and humble yourself. He's the One who lifts.\r\n\r\nNan:Pain is inevitable; we live in a fallen world this side of heaven. We live in a broken, fallen world with disease and sin. We walk amongst broken people\u2014me being one of the chief sinners\u2014and God is going to be faithful to you and your journey with your baggage, with anything that comes your way. \r\n\r\nI want to share with you just a little sweet nugget that He gave me, not long after Connor passed away, and we had laid him to rest. I was spending some time in his bedroom one day, and I found his Bible. In his Bible\u2014we had been doing devotionals earlier that year in the book of Proverbs\u2014he had highlighted just a few verses in Proverbs in 3:5,6. I feel like that was a little gift from my son, but it was definitely a gift from God; because I say those verses every single day now: \u201cTrust in the Lord,\u201d\u2014Nan\u2014\"with all your heart; and don't lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Me,\u201d\u2014sweet girl\u2014\"and I will direct your paths.\u201d \r\n\r\nThat family picture that we put up there\u2014that's painful to show you that\u2014because Connor's not in that picture the way I want him. Pain is inevitable,\r\n\r\nbut you can trust God with your pain. I want my son up in that picture. Now, our family carries him the way we know how and the way that God has helped us to carry him. But I'd love for you to see him in that picture with all of us, present day. But he is in that picture\u2014he's in our family\u2014he'll never not be in our family. \r\n\r\nI want to tell you something sweet. He's in that grandson's name. Connor's name is Connor Lee Deal. And Austin's name is Austin Lee Humphrey Deal. We have a mighty God\u2014Who saves; He redeems; Who is merciful; Who is loving\u2014He will never leave you; He will never forsake you. Trust Him with all your baggage; trust Him with your blinders; trust Him with everything that comes your way. He will direct your paths\u2014it might not be easy\u2014but He is worthy of following and trusting.\r\n\r\nRon:So realignment\u2014refreshing this us-ness\u2014\r\n\r\nNan:Thank You, Lord.\r\n\r\nRon:\u2014starts with me\u2014\r\n\r\nNan:\u2014with me.\r\n\r\nRon:\u2014humbly dealing with me. Everything in me wants to deal with her\u2014wants to get her to be something for me that I need her to do so, somehow, I feel better\u2014but that doesn't work. That's just cotton candy; it's here, and it's gone. What works is me submitting to God. In fact, listen to the verbs again: submit; resist the devil; draw near to God; grieve over who and how you've been; and humble yourself.\r\n\r\n[Studio]\r\n\r\nDave:I mean, it's such a powerful message from Ron and Nan Deal from the Love Like You Mean It cruise. \r\n\r\nWe're Dave and Ann Wilson. I'm telling you: we would love to see you on the cruise with us next year. Right now, you can get the best deal anybody's ever going to get to sign up for the cruise. It's going to be February 14 through the 21st in 2026.\r\n\r\nAnn:And don't wait too long, because the ship is already 60 percent full. You're going to want to be able to pick that room that you want and join us on the Love Like You Mean It  marriage cruise.\r\n\r\nDave:Yeah, so you can sign up at FamilyLifeToday.com. Or if you'd like, give us a call at 800-358-6329. That's 800-F as in Family, L as in Life, and the word, TODAY.\r\n\r\nFamilyLife Today is a donor-supported production of FamilyLife\u00ae, a Cru\u00ae Ministry. \r\n\r\nHelping you pursue the relationships that matter most.\r\n\r\nIf you\u2019ve benefited from the FamilyLife Today transcripts, would you consider donating today to help defray the costs of producing them and making them available online?  \r\n\r\nCopyright \u00a9 2025 FamilyLife. All rights reserved.\r\n\r\nwww.FamilyLife.com                                 \r\n\r\n\n","theme_header_position":"","post_header_is_sticky":"","is_header_overlay":""},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast\/313269","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/podcast"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/47000"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=313269"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/312569"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=313269"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=313269"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=313269"},{"taxonomy":"podcast_series","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast_series?post=313269"},{"taxonomy":"cwp_profile","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/cwp_profile?post=313269"},{"taxonomy":"series","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/series?post=313269"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}