{"id":312704,"date":"2025-02-18T04:25:20","date_gmt":"2025-02-18T09:25:20","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/%series%\/parenting-ahead-kristen-hatton\/"},"modified":"2025-02-18T04:25:22","modified_gmt":"2025-02-18T09:25:22","slug":"parenting-ahead-kristen-hatton","status":"publish","type":"podcast","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/parenting-ahead-kristen-hatton\/","title":{"rendered":"Parenting Ahead: Kristen Hatton"},"content":{"rendered":"<p>Are the teenage years truly something to dread? Author Kristen Hatton challenges the notion by exploring the surprising joys and undeniable challenges of parenting in this season of life.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Are the teenage years truly something to dread? Author Kristen Hatton challenges the notion by exploring the joys and challenges of parenting teens.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":47000,"featured_media":312705,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"","_seopress_robots_index":"","inline_featured_image":false,"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","episode_type":"","audio_file":"https:\/\/traffic.omny.fm\/d\/clips\/cbd16f10-ac60-4f09-b4df-b15400ce35aa\/33aaac7e-3581-4e21-a3df-b154011ba58c\/51301799-c34f-4f4b-8985-b27d01047317\/audio.mp3","podmotor_file_id":"","podmotor_episode_id":"","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"00:26:35","filesize":"24.38M","filesize_raw":"","date_recorded":"","explicit":"","block":""},"categories":[2853],"tags":[],"podcast_series":[10948],"cwp_profile":[10953],"series":[2101],"class_list":["post-312704","podcast","type-podcast","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-frazzled-family","podcast_series-kristen-hatton-parenting-ahead","cwp_profile-kristen-hatton","series-familylife-today"],"acf":[],"episode_featured_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2025\/02\/image_f08003.jpg?w=1024","episode_player_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2023\/02\/image-scaled.jpg","download_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-download\/312704\/parenting-ahead-kristen-hatton","player_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-player\/312704\/parenting-ahead-kristen-hatton","audio_player":null,"episode_data":{"playerMode":"light","subscribeUrls":{"apple_podcasts":{"key":"apple_podcasts","url":"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303?mt=2&app=podcast","label":"Apple Podcasts","class":"apple_podcasts","icon":"apple-podcasts.png"},"google_podcasts":{"key":"google_podcasts","url":"","label":"Google Podcasts","class":"google_podcasts","icon":"google-podcasts.png"},"spotify":{"key":"spotify","url":"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm","label":"Spotify","class":"spotify","icon":"spotify.png"},"youtube":{"key":"youtube","url":"","label":"YouTube","class":"youtube","icon":"youtube.png"}},"rssFeedUrl":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/feed\/podcast\/familylife-today","embedCode":"<blockquote class=\"wp-embedded-content\" data-secret=\"75MuBtV6I6\"><a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/parenting-ahead-kristen-hatton\/\">Parenting Ahead: Kristen Hatton<\/a><\/blockquote><iframe sandbox=\"allow-scripts\" security=\"restricted\" src=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/parenting-ahead-kristen-hatton\/embed\/#?secret=75MuBtV6I6\" width=\"500\" height=\"350\" title=\"&#8220;Parenting Ahead: Kristen Hatton&#8221; &#8212; FamilyLife\u00ae - A Cru Ministry\" data-secret=\"75MuBtV6I6\" frameborder=\"0\" marginwidth=\"0\" marginheight=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\" class=\"wp-embedded-content\"><\/iframe><script>\n\/*! This file is auto-generated *\/\n!function(d,l){\"use strict\";l.querySelector&&d.addEventListener&&\"undefined\"!=typeof URL&&(d.wp=d.wp||{},d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage||(d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage=function(e){var t=e.data;if((t||t.secret||t.message||t.value)&&!\/[^a-zA-Z0-9]\/.test(t.secret)){for(var s,r,n,a=l.querySelectorAll('iframe[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),o=l.querySelectorAll('blockquote[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),c=new RegExp(\"^https?:$\",\"i\"),i=0;i<o.length;i++)o[i].style.display=\"none\";for(i=0;i<a.length;i++)s=a[i],e.source===s.contentWindow&&(s.removeAttribute(\"style\"),\"height\"===t.message?(1e3<(r=parseInt(t.value,10))?r=1e3:~~r<200&&(r=200),s.height=r):\"link\"===t.message&&(r=new URL(s.getAttribute(\"src\")),n=new URL(t.value),c.test(n.protocol))&&n.host===r.host&&l.activeElement===s&&(d.top.location.href=t.value))}},d.addEventListener(\"message\",d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage,!1),l.addEventListener(\"DOMContentLoaded\",function(){for(var e,t,s=l.querySelectorAll(\"iframe.wp-embedded-content\"),r=0;r<s.length;r++)(t=(e=s[r]).getAttribute(\"data-secret\"))||(t=Math.random().toString(36).substring(2,12),e.src+=\"#?secret=\"+t,e.setAttribute(\"data-secret\",t)),e.contentWindow.postMessage({message:\"ready\",secret:t},\"*\")},!1)))}(window,document);\n\/\/# sourceURL=https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-includes\/js\/wp-embed.min.js\n<\/script>\n"},"uagb_featured_image_src":{"full":["https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2025\/02\/image_f08003.jpg",1024,1024,true]},"uagb_author_info":{"display_name":"Margaret","author_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/author\/margaret-coylefamilylife-com\/"},"uagb_comment_info":0,"uagb_excerpt":"Are the teenage years truly something to dread? Author Kristen Hatton challenges the notion by exploring the joys and challenges of parenting teens.","meta_box":{"show_notes":"\n<ul>\n<li>Learn more about Kristen Hatton at <a href=\"https:\/\/www.kristenhatton.com\/\">kristenhatton.com<\/a><\/li>\n<li>Her book, \"Parenting Ahead: Preparing Now for the Teen Years.\" <a href=\"https:\/\/donate.familylife.com\/february-2025\/parenting-ahead\/?cru_source=D000FLTD25&cru_medium=Icare&cru_campaign=February2025\">We'll send it at no cost to you with a donation of any size this week, as our way of saying a huge \"Thank you!\" for partnering with us.<\/a><\/li>\n<li>Find resources from this podcast at <a href=\"https:\/\/shop.familylife.com\/product-category\/radio-resources\/\">shop.familylife.com<\/a>.<\/li>\n<li><a href=\"https:\/\/shop.familylife.com\/product-category\/past-radio-resources\/\">See resources from our past podcasts.<\/a><\/li>\n<li>Find more content and resources on the <a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/flministries\/app\/\">FamilyLife's app<\/a>!<\/li>\n<li>Help others find FamilyLife. Leave a review on <a href=\"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303\">Apple Podcast<\/a> or <a href=\"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm?si=d6dfa8d2415f4750\">Spotify<\/a>.<\/li>\n<li>Check out all the FamilyLife's podcasts on the <a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/flministries\/familylife-podcast-network\/\">FamilyLife Podcast Network<\/a><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n\n","transcript_url":"https:\/\/transcript.familylife.com\/fl2025-02-18.pdf","transcript_content":"\nFamilyLife Today\u00ae with Dave and Ann Wilson - Web Version Transcript\r\n\r\nThis content has been generated by an artificial intelligence language model. While we strive for accuracy and quality, please note that the information provided will most likely not be entirely error-free or up-to-date. We recommend independently verifying the content with the originally-released audio. This transcript is provided for your personal use and general information purposes only. References to conferences, resources, or other special promotions may be obsolete. We do not assume any responsibility or liability for the use or interpretation of this content.\r\n\r\nParenting Ahead\r\n\r\nGuest:Kristen Hatton\r\n\r\nFrom the series:Parenting Ahead (Day 2 of 2)\r\n\r\nAir date:February 18, 2025\r\n\r\nKristen:I was the worst nag to my daughter, especially when she was a senior. She called my cell phone to talk to me about something she was going through. I go into lecturing; and she said, \u201cHand the phone to Dad\u201d; and they talked. I could tell they're having a great conversation. And so then, when they hung up, he's like, \u201cShe just needs you to be with her; just listen to her.\u201d\r\n\r\nAnn:Welcome to FamilyLife Today, where we want to help you pursue the relationships that matter most. I'm Ann Wilson.\r\n\r\nDave:And I'm Dave Wilson. And you can find us at FamilyLifeToday.com. This is \r\n\r\nFamilyLife Today. \r\n\r\nDave:Do you remember?\u2014we had this couple in our lives, when we had our first baby, who said, \u201cOh, that's great; but wait until they hit two years old\u201d; it's the terrible twos.\r\n\r\nAnn:Yes, it would put this pit of fear; and then\u2014\r\n\r\nDave:\u2014we got to the twos; and we're like, \u201cThat's not so bad.\u201d And \u201cOh, wait until they're five and six; it's going to be the worst\u201d; then, we got to five and six\u2014and we had three boys\u2014and it was okay. And then, they were like, \u201cThe teenage years are going to do you in.\u201d Every\u2014\r\n\r\nAnn:Every single phase\u2014\r\n\r\nDave:\u2014they forecasted everything was going to be so horrible. And we got to those stages; and we're like, \u201cWe love them\u201d; we loved the teen years.\r\n\r\nAnn:There were difficulties in each of those stages, for sure; but I think my favorite was the teen years.\r\n\r\nDave:Yeah, we're going to talk about the teen years today.\r\n\r\nAnn:And man, there are some pitfalls in the teen years too.\r\n\r\nDave:Yeah, Kristen Hatton is back with us. You wrote the book, Parenting Ahead: Preparing Now for the Teen Years; so Kristen, you're our local resident expert. \r\n\r\nYou've got\u2014you've been through the teen years\u2014we've been through the teen years\u2014not our own\u2014but with our kids. We started a conversation with you yesterday about how tough it can be. \r\n\r\nNow, we never even asked you: \u201cWhen you look back on the teen years with your kids, did you love them? Did you hate them?\u201d\r\n\r\nKristen:I loved them; I loved them. I've loved every stage more than the next. \r\n\r\nAnn:Me, too. \r\n\r\nKristen:And I can even say that, with adult kids now\u2014and I thought that would be terrible to be an empty nester and be alone\u2014but I've loved every stage. But the teenage years, to me, was so fun. But like you said, it came with a lot of trials, too; so it was both\/and. Some of our hardest days were also in the teen years.\r\n\r\nAnn:I think what it does, in parenting\u2014and as a listener, maybe you'll relate to this\u2014I thought, \u201cI'm going to impact my kids, and they're going to love Jesus.\u201d Actually, what happened is parenting shaped me more than anything! \r\n\r\nDave:What do you mean?\r\n\r\nAnn:It shaped me; because when you go through trials, you have this choice of just gutting through it; or falling on your face before God, asking Him to reveal Himself, to give you wisdom. My walk with God became closer than it ever has. I think it's because, when you're desperate, you need God. You see it all over the Bible: when we're in desperation, we can either walk away from God or walk toward Him. Man, I needed Him for every ounce of wisdom I could find. \r\n\r\nDave:Is that what you found?\r\n\r\nKristen:I, 100 percent, agree. I am a totally different person than I was 26 years ago when my daughter was born\u2014I would say, even 10 or 5 years ago\u2014because of what's happened in these years. That everything we go through, I'm learning more and more what it looks like to depend on Jesus for everything.\r\n\r\nAnn:\u2014everything.\r\n\r\nDave:You mentioned earlier that your daughter went through an eating disorder, \r\n\r\nand your son had anxiety. How did you wrestle through that? Was it sleepless nights? Was it really hard?\r\n\r\nKristen:It was a lot of sleepless nights. There was times when I would think, \u201cOkay, finally, we're out of the woods\u201d; and then, something else would happen. It'd be this roller coaster. And now, though, I notice that, when things happen, I'm not as rocked as I was at one point. That's not to say I'm not rocked at all, because I still do like to control; but I realize, \u201cOh, God really was working in me, too.\u201d \r\n\r\nI really believe that it's true\u2014that even though that was happening to my daughter and my son\u2014God had all of us in mind; He had all of our family in mind. I think our whole family would say that\u2014that because of the struggles that those individuals went through\u2014it changed our family: the way we relate with each other, our ability to have compassion and understand one another, to sit in the hurt with one another. That was a big thing that I learned; because, early on, I would try to fix. \r\n\r\nI learned from my daughter that really what she needed me to do was just sit with her, and not try to fix it all the time; but just to comfort her, to come alongside her, remind her of God's truth\u2014but not in a platitude kind of way\u2014but just: \u201cThis is hard; and yet, we know that God is good. I'm going to be here with you in this for as long as it takes.\u201d\r\n\r\nDave:How did those times affect your marriage? Because often, in parenting struggles, man, it impacts our marriage.\r\n\r\nAnn:\u2014if your kids are struggling.\r\n\r\nKristen:Yeah; it does. I think my husband and I\u2014and this maybe is true of all married couples\u2014the way we deal with things is different. There have been times, in our struggles, where he's the one who\u2019s more frontline, dealing with things; and I'm feeling just depressed and unable; and then, it would switch. God is good in that way in that He's equipped one of us to do\u2014maybe be more the frontline\u2014but together: \u201cThese are our children; this is our family.\u201d And so what that looks like to come together, and grieve, and pray, and hope together is\u2014I would say the same thing that I say about the trials of my kids\u2014is true in marriage. The trials of our marriage, which includes things with our kids, has really strengthened our marriage; and we're coming up on 29 years.\r\n\r\nAnn:That's cool. \r\n\r\nDave:You mentioned control; and you talk in the book about different parenting styles\u2014like some over-control; some under-\u2014I don't know if that's your default control.\r\n\r\nAnn:Yes, what are the different styles?\r\n\r\nKristen:Well, yes, control is my default. Over-parenting and under-parenting I talk about in the book; and then, get to the root of: \u201cWhat is driving those types of parenting [styles]?\u201d\r\n\r\nAnn:Okay, do it with Dave and me. I would over-parent, for sure.\r\n\r\nKristen:Okay.\r\n\r\nDave:I would probably under-.\r\n\r\nKristen:Okay, so you were the helicopter mom; and you were the permissive dad.\r\n\r\nAnn:Yes.\r\n\r\nDave:Yeah, to a point.\r\n\r\nAnn:I'm the bad cop; he's the good cop, and we\u2019d get in fights about that. \r\n\r\nDave:I want to see them fail\u2014I don't want them to\u2014but I'm like, \u201cIt's okay if they fail, because they're going to grow.\u201d\r\n\r\nAnn:\u201cI don't care if they\u2026\u201d\u2014yeah, I did care if they failed\u2014because I didn't want them to be sad. I hated when they were sad.\r\n\r\nDave:It's like: \u201cIf you didn't study for that test, well, guess what? Good luck!\u201d\r\n\r\nAnn:I\u2019d be like, \u201cI\u2019ll help you study.\u201d\r\n\r\nDave:She'd be like, \u201cLet's sit down right now, and we're going to study for that test. Come in here.\u201d And I'll be like, \u201cIf they're not going to do it on their own, they're going to reap the consequences; and that's a good thing.\u201d\r\n\r\nKristen:\u201cThat is a good thing\u201d; so that doesn't sound like the under-parenting parent. That sounds like a very\u2014\r\n\r\nAnn:Whatever!\r\n\r\nDave:What do you think I do? This is why it affects your marriage; because she's like, \u201cThat isn't what you did.\u201d\r\n\r\nAnn:You just didn't want to know the bad things. Part of it is our style of conflict.\r\n\r\nDave:Yes.\r\n\r\nAnn:He would avoid conflict, so he didn't want to talk about it. And I would want to overtalk everything, because I'm more controlling. Here's the bad part that I would do, as an over-controlling parent, I would start thinking ahead of what could happen.\r\n\r\nKristen:Yes.\r\n\r\nAnn:I think a lot of parents can do that: \u201cWell, if this happens, it could lead to this; which could lead to this; which could lead to this.\u201d\r\n\r\nKristen:Absolutely; the \u201cWhat ifs.\u201d That's what drives our fear and anxiety. Because now, we've played something out\u2014that they didn't get invited to this one thing in kindergarten\u2014and now, they're never going to have friends. \r\n\r\nYes; \u201c\u2026never going to get married.\u201d \r\n\r\nDave:\u201cThey\u2019re not going to make the Olympic team because they didn't play soccer at age three.\u201d\r\n\r\nAnn:That\u2019s me, right there; I'm going to admit it. Dave's parenting style was much healthier than mine. He would sleep like a baby, because his children weren't his idol.\r\n\r\nDave:Well, it's because I didn't realize how bad it was. I just thought, \u201cOh, they're great. They're not going to parties; they're not drinking.\u201d I guess I was pretty na\u00efve.\r\n\r\nAnn:And they were great, but every teenager goes through some difficult patches; we all do.\r\n\r\nKristen:That's right. And sometimes, parents want to stay na\u00efve; they would rather not know. But that can be an idol, too; is that they just want to keep the peace. \r\n\r\nDave:So you're saying I worshiped an idol. Okay, I got it. \r\n\r\nAnn:We both did.\r\n\r\nKristen:Perhaps. \r\n\r\nDave:Okay; what's better?\u2014over; under\u2014or is it the same?\r\n\r\nKristen:Well, there's another way; there's a third way. So both of those styles are driven by: \u201cWhat is our idol underneath that?\u201d They could actually even be the same idol, but for different reasons. An over-parenting parent may want their child to be happy and so does an under-parenting parent, but how that manifests is very different. An under-parenting parent who wants their child to be happy is probably going to abdicate their responsibility in disciplining, or setting boundaries\u2014\r\n\r\nAnn:\u2014or rules.\r\n\r\nKristen:\u2014or rules at all\u2014not saying, \u201cNo,\u201d\u2014just give them what they want; because then, they'll be happy; and that'll be easy. And now, I get peace\u2014and they're happy\u2014and we have a good relationship. \r\n\r\nAn over-parenting parent also wants their child to be happy, and so they want to ensure that they can clear the path so that they can get what they want. That may be the parent who goes to the teacher, or the coach, or tries to coordinate all the details to make their kid get what they want them to have so that they're happy. Underneath it was the same idol; it just looks different. \r\n\r\nAnd let me say this: \u201cBoth types of parents love their children very much. It's just that, if we know our hearts, our hearts are deceitful; something can crop up, and it's ruling us.\u201d If we don't stop, like we talked about before, to really identify\u2014\u201cWhat is that?\u201d \u201cWhat is driving my parenting?\u201d\u2014then, we just continue on that path; and the repercussions can be not good; I'll say it that way. \r\n\r\nThat is another reason why I wrote this book; because I thought, \u201cGoodness, if parents, before the teen years, can see this play out,\u201d\u2014so that's where the title comes from: Parenting Ahead\u2014\"If I can play it forward for you to see how your child may be whining for a snack too close to dinnertime; and you give in, that feels real benign; and it probably is on one day. But let's say\u2014over, and over, and over\u2014your child learns: \u2018If I whine, and nag, and beg, I know how to get my mom to give in and give me what I want.\u2019 Well, what does that look like when, all of a sudden, she's 16, 17, 18, when that has become the habit?\u201d What was underneath that, for the parent, is: \u201cI just want peace. I just want her to go away and stop whining,\u201d \u201cI'm just going to give her the snack,\u201d or \u201cI'm going to just give her this,\u201d or \u201c\u2026let her do that\u201d; and then, all of a sudden, she's a teenager. And it's real hard to say, \u201cNo,\u201d to some of those things, if we haven't been doing that all along; and it was our ruling idol that led to that.\r\n\r\nDave:Is there a way that you help parents identify that it's an idol?\r\n\r\nKristen:Well, there's a couple ways we can identify idols. We've talked before about: \u201cWhat do we worry about?\u201d I would say our emotions are very telling of: \u201cWhy did I respond so strongly?\u201d\u2014might be telling what we think about how we spend our money. \r\n\r\nI also\u2014I don't know if y'all are familiar with Paul Tripp\u2014but I love his analogy of the clenched fist or the open palm. If you can envision an idol in the palm of your hands\u2014and if you have to have it, you're going to close your fist around that and demand\u2014and you are going to do everything in your control to try to get it. But if I can just let it be there\u2014whether I get it or not, I can be okay\u2014that would be a case where it's not ruling me. My marriage or children\u2014if I have to demand to get something\u2014then, all of a sudden, I've put them on this pedestal; and it made them my functional savior.\r\n\r\nDave:I remember Tim Keller, often, would say in sermons: \u201cIt's an idol when it becomes the ultimate.\u201d In other words, \u201cIf my child doesn't make this team,\u201d or \u201c\u2026doesn't get this grade,\u201d or \u201c\u2026doesn't get asked to the prom,\u201d\u2014whatever it could be\u2014the ultimate would be: \u201cOh, my world's over. I can't function anymore; this didn't happen.\u201d \r\n\r\nBut if it's: \u201cThat's disappointing. I really wanted this for my child; it didn't happen,\u201d\u2014because that's not an idol; that's disappointing\u2014you live in the disappointment. It's hurtful; it's something you walk into. But when it's the ultimate: my world can't go on, because she didn't get the date\u2014that's a different deal\u2014that's like an idol. It's the grabbing, closing-your-fist type deal. \r\n\r\nWell, one of the things we mentioned\u2014even Ann did at the beginning\u2014was \u201cParenting Pitfalls\u201d; you write about that. What are the pitfalls we should look out for, as parents? Obviously, the idol thing is a big deal.\r\n\r\nKristen:Yes. And I will just say that we hear today about college students\/young adults, who are struggling in all sorts of ways with mental health, and entitlement, and just not feeling equipped. That is a consequence of our over-parenting and under-parenting. That is a huge pitfall that we really need to take serious and evaluate our own hearts. \r\n\r\nAnn:Did you ever ask your kids if they felt like you were over-parenting? I guess you wouldn't use the term over-parenting.\r\n\r\nKristen:Yeah, it would be like helicopter parenting.\r\n\r\nAnn:Yeah; \u201cDo you feel like I'm too involved in your life?\u201d\u2014maybe? Would that be a good question to ask?\r\n\r\nKristen:I think that would be an excellent question to ask: \u201cWhat would you like from me, differently?\u201d or \u201cHow can I show up for you?\u201d or \u201cWhat am I doing that is maybe overbearing to you?\u201d\r\n\r\nAnn:I remember asking our teens that, maybe every six months: \u201cAm I doing anything that really bugs you?\u201d And they always had an answer.\r\n\r\nDave:They always had an answer.\r\n\r\nKristen:But isn't that great that you could ask them and receive that? \r\n\r\nAnn:Because I wanted to know. As a parent, you can tell when you're bugging your teenagers, they let you know by their facial expression\u2014or whatever\u2014rolling their eyes. But I wanted to know if there's things that I'm doing that are overbearing. \r\n\r\nI remember, one time, our son said, \u201cYou bug me all the time about going to bed.\u201d He's in high school: \u201cWhy do I have to have a bedtime?\u201d And I'm like, \u201cBecause then, you need to learn\u2014you're going to take this test in the morning\u2014and you need good sleep.\u201d And he said, \u201cAnd I'm not old enough to figure that out?\u201d And I thought, \u201cYeah, you are old enough. And if you go to bed at 2:00 am, because you're playing video games, I guess you'll bear the consequences of that.\u201d Sometimes, it's really good to hear from our kids what they're thinking.\r\n\r\nKristen:It is; I agree. And it's hard for us to let them figure out those consequences themselves; but they need to, because they're going to go to college; and they're going to be faced with it. It's better, if all along the way, we are letting them experience some of those natural consequences. \r\n\r\nOne of them that I was thinking about is: I was the worst nag to my daughter, especially when she was a senior. I would walk by her bedroom; and I would see her on her bed, watching Netflix. I would know all the applications that she was supposed to be doing, or the homework that\/the tests that she needed to study for. It would just undo me: \u201cHow can she be laying there, watching Netflix?\u201d And so I was always like, \u201cWhen are you going to do this?\u201d And then, I would circle back by, 30 more minutes, to see if she'd made any progress.\r\n\r\nAnn:Can you imagine if somebody did that to us?\u2014how irritated we would be.\r\n\r\nKristen:Of course, she was irritated with me; of course. Really\u2014I didn't realize it at the time\u2014but she was withdrawing from me. \r\n\r\nAnd then, there was a time\u2014kind of in that same era\u2014where she called my cell phone to talk to me about something she was going through. I go into lecturing or something.\r\n\r\nAnn:\u2014some sort of teaching.\r\n\r\nKristen:\u2014some sort of teaching. And she said, \u201cHand the phone to Dad.\u201d And I was like, \u201cYou called my cell phone; and now, you want me to hand the phone to my husband?\u201d But I did. And they talked, and I could tell they're having a great conversation. I'm just like\u2014I'm hearing his end of the conversation\u2014thinking, \u201cWhat in the world?!\u201d And so then, when they hung up, he's like, \u201cShe just needs you to be with her. Stop trying to fix her, lecture her, teach her; just listen to her.\u201d\r\n\r\nAnn:I can remember having those same feelings. One of our sons\u2014it's what happened to each of them\u2014we would bug each other, because I'm thinking all the words coming out of my mouth are: \u201cYou need to\u2026\u201d \u201cYou should\u2026\u201d \u201cWhen are you going to\u2026\u201d Because there's this litany of things that need to be done or that he's not doing. I realized everything I'm saying to him is negative. \r\n\r\nWe would do this on a regular basis\u2014I would take him out for a meal and just sit with him\u2014\u201cWhat's going on?\u201d It was so good for me to do that; because I could tell I was bugging him, and he was bugging me. It's like, with teenagers, sometimes you bug each other; and you don't necessarily like who they are right now or how they're treating you. I can remember, at the end of those little dinners, I remember always thinking, \u201cThere you are\u201d; and he probably thought the same, \u201cOh, there's my mom. She's not telling me constantly what I should and shouldn't be doing. She wants to know how I'm doing and what's going on: \u2018What's hard in your life right now?\u2019 \u2018What's great in your life right now?\u2019\u201d I think that's a big deal, and that helps. We can start doing that before they're teenagers too.\r\n\r\nKristen:That's right; and we should, intentionality. Because we are\u2014so often, if we think about what our conversations are\u2014they're exactly what you just said: \u201cHave you done this?\u201d \u201cDid you take your trash out?\u201d \u201cHave you done your homework?\u201d We need to pull back, and let's just be with them. Let's get to talk about other things. Show an interest in what they're interested in, even if it's not something you're interested in. Playing with them\u2014I think, sometime, between the toddler years and the teen years\u2014we forget these kind of things. \r\n\r\nBut our kids\u2014we just need to have fun\u2014when my boys were growing up, as football players, I was out in the front yard throwing a football all the time. Now, they come home from college; and we'll go play pool; or we're playing a game at home; pickleball. They feel connected that way. And then, it's amazing how, when you have that time of connection, then they often do open up more about other things that are going on that they don't want to tell you when all you're doing is relating to them as just a drill sergeant.\r\n\r\nDave:What are some of the negative consequences of under-parenting? You both talked about over-\u2014it sounds like you both are similar that way\u2014you got the guy, over here, who's like, \u201cOh, I probably should have stepped in at more times\u201d; so I under-parented.\r\n\r\nKristen:It's interesting: the consequences for the child are actually the same with both types of parenting, which I think is so fascinating. When I was getting my master's in counseling, I made this my research topic; I was like, \u201cHow is it possible that you can have over-parenting parents and under-parenting parents; and then, we all end up with these young adult kids who are struggling in the exact same ways with anxiety, and depression, and low self-efficacy, and suicidal ideation, and entitlement fear?\u201d\r\n\r\nGoing back to fear, I think that was the connecting point between these two type of parents. Both parents were afraid but for different reasons\u2014and so, it fleshed out differently\u2014but the consequences for our kids\/our adult kids is the same. So pulling back the reigns\u2014again, back to our own hearts\u2014that's where we start with this kind of pitfall that we fall into.\r\n\r\nI would say too\u2014when we are not proactive, when we are not thinking ahead of time\u2014because, so often in parenting, we are just being constantly bombarded with decision-making and issues coming at us. If we haven't given it any forethought, we're just kind of going along; and we get caught up in the culture. So I would say\u2014again, as early as possible with our spouse\u2014to sit down and really think about: \u201cWhat are these things that we want for our children? By the end of 18, when they're ready to launch, what is it that we hope to instill?\u201d \r\n\r\nAnd again, there are no formulas; but these kind of provide guardrails of: \u201cWhat it is that we want our family to be about,\u201d \u201cWhat are our values, and how are we go about doing that?\u201d For us, church was a value; family time was a value. And so that meant that, sometimes, we said, \u201cNo.\u201d They didn't get to do say, \u201cYes,\u201d to every invitation that they were given. They didn't do\u2014and my kids were all athletes\u2014but we didn't do all the competitive sports. There was things that became\u2014they set limits for what we were going to be about\u2014because we were thinking, proactively, about what we wanted most.\r\n\r\nDave:Now, you work with parents; you counsel parents. How many parents don't do what you just said? We wrote a book about that; and we said, \u201cThe secret is Jesus. But also, you got to have a target, as a parent. Sit down and say, \u2018I've got a two-year-old; what do I hope they'll be when they're thirty?\u201d We found most parents never have that conversation. Is that what you found?\r\n\r\nKristen:Yeah, I really do. And again, that is really what's motivating me now to talk as much as I can to parents, before the teen years; because I see what a difference it could make if they catch this early on before teenagers are in the counseling office; or before it feels too late, even though I believe that there's always hope in Jesus.\r\n\r\nAnn:We've all heard that saying: \u201cIf you aim at nothing, you'll hit it.\u201d\r\n\r\nKristen:Yeah, that's right.\r\n\r\nAnn: But we do that with our kids. It's so easy for it to happen to any of us; because with babies, you're in this survival mode; and then, you have another baby; and you're in another survival mode. But I think taking that time, as a couple, if you're married\u2014and if you're single, to have a godly friend you can talk to\u2014and think: \u201cWhat is my plan?\u201d \u201cWhat are my goals?\u201d \u201cWhat do I desire for my kids?\u201d And then, \u201cWhat's my plan to reach that?\u201d I think that's just a really good conversation. \r\n\r\nAnd you're right; we somehow find the time to watch our shows. I do; we all do. We're watching something on Netflix; I'm on the fifth season of Downton Abbey right now.\r\n\r\nDave:She is; I'm over there, watching football. She\u2019s watching Downton.\r\n\r\nAnn:It\u2019s taking hours; I\u2019m like, \u201cWhat could I be doing?\u201d\r\n\r\nBut as a parent, I know you're exhausted\u2014the first thing you want to do is veg out after a long day\u2014but to come up with your plan of what you're hoping\u2014that is so significant\u2014and it has great benefits.\r\n\r\nKristen:And it really saves time and worry if you've already set out, ahead of time: \u201cThis is what this is going to be our guidelines for how we filter through our decision-making.\u201d It doesn't mean that it's easy. We're still going to get pushback, at times, from our kids; but we can then tell them: \u201cThis is what Mommy and Daddy have decided, and this is why.\u201d It's always an opportunity; I always love to think of parenting as an opportunity.\r\n\r\nDave:What would you say to the parent of a teenager who is really struggling?\u2014their teen is really struggling. They've prayed\u2014maybe with their spouse, have said, \u201cThis is our dream\/our goal; this is what we're hoping for. We've done all the right things, we think: they've been in church; we've had family devotions,\u201d\u2014whatever it is\u2014\u201cWe've had a strategy; and yet, my teenager is struggling,\u201d\u2014maybe walking away from the faith; maybe struggling with their sexuality; or whatever one of those things be\u2014\r\n\r\nAnn:\u2014or depression.\r\n\r\nDave:\u2014but they're right there, as a parent. They've got a 15-year-old or 16-year-old or 17-year-old still in the home; they're like, \u201cWe don't know what to do.\u201d\r\n\r\nKristen:I hear that all the time, and I'm so sorry if this is your experience right now. In the church, I hear this a lot because our kids are struggling; and it's hard. I would say: \u201cMove toward them.\u201d Just keep loving them; because there's so much that we can't control\u2014the timing\u2014we can't control their struggle. \r\n\r\nI think that we still, depending on what the issue is, we still hold fast to our boundaries and our beliefs; but we love and embrace them, and have them know that we are there for them. We are going to sit here with them in it for as long as it takes; that there's nothing that could change our view of them. Ultimately, that points back to God: that He loves His children. Even when we continuously sin, He smiles upon us; because of Jesus's work and worth, not ours. We are the embodiment of Christ to our children, so we just keep moving near.\r\n\r\nAnn:I love that. And I think, too, as we do that\u2014pray as a couple if you're married\u2014pray; God hears those prayers. It may feel like nothing's changing, and He's not there; but He is. And I love that He's always moving toward us, too, as we move toward our kids to love them, and encourage them, and speak life to them.\r\n\r\nDave:And never give up hope.\r\n\r\nKristen:That's right.\r\n\r\nDave:God has a plan. We know\u2014we've seen it in our own kids; we've seen it in other friends\u2019 kids\u2014God's at work. You may not even feel it at this moment\u2014He's at work\u2014trust Him. Get on your knees; God's got a good plan for them.\r\n\r\nAnn:And we would love to pray for you. We even have a team at FamilyLife who can pray for you. Just go to FamilyLife.com\/PrayForMe.\r\n\r\nDave:We would love to lift you up by name. So again, go to FamilyLife.com\/PrayForMe. We will pray for you, and our team will pray for you.\r\n\r\nAnn:And we would love for you to get Kristen's book called Parenting Ahead if you send any donation\/any amount.\r\n\r\nDave:Yeah, any amount; just go to FamilyLifeToday.com. You can make your gift there, and we will send you Parenting Ahead: Preparing Now for the Teen Years. Again, if you're not an internet guy, and you want to make a phone call, you can call us at 800-358-6329. You're going to memorize that one of these days.\r\n\r\nFamilyLife Today is a donor-supported production of FamilyLife\u00ae, a Cru\u00ae Ministry. \r\n\r\nHelping you pursue the relationships that matter most.\r\n\r\nIf you\u2019ve benefited from the FamilyLife Today transcripts, would you consider donating today to help defray the costs of producing them and making them available online?  \r\n\r\nCopyright \u00a9 2025 FamilyLife. All rights reserved.\r\n\r\nwww.FamilyLife.com                                 \r\n\r\n\n","theme_header_position":"","post_header_is_sticky":"","is_header_overlay":""},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast\/312704","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/podcast"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/47000"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=312704"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/312705"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=312704"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=312704"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=312704"},{"taxonomy":"podcast_series","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast_series?post=312704"},{"taxonomy":"cwp_profile","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/cwp_profile?post=312704"},{"taxonomy":"series","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/series?post=312704"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}