{"id":311832,"date":"2025-01-20T04:01:24","date_gmt":"2025-01-20T09:01:24","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/%series%\/becoming-the-boss-to-managing-your-feelings-bobby-rebecca-markham-christian-maddie-villafane\/"},"modified":"2025-01-20T04:01:26","modified_gmt":"2025-01-20T09:01:26","slug":"becoming-the-boss-to-managing-your-feelings-bobby-rebecca-markham-christian-maddie-villafane","status":"publish","type":"podcast","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/becoming-the-boss-to-managing-your-feelings-bobby-rebecca-markham-christian-maddie-villafane\/","title":{"rendered":"Becoming the Boss to Managing Your Feelings: Bobby &#038; Rebecca Markham, Christian &#038; Maddie Villafane"},"content":{"rendered":"<p>Managing your feelings is a key step in building a successful marriage. In this episode, several guests discuss personal stories and insights on managing emotions, the importance of intentionality, and the role of mentorship in building strong, lasting marriages.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Managing feelings, intentionality, and mentorship are all key to building strong marriages. Guests share personal stories and insights on these topics.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":47000,"featured_media":280865,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"","_seopress_robots_index":"","inline_featured_image":false,"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","episode_type":"","audio_file":"https:\/\/traffic.omny.fm\/d\/clips\/cbd16f10-ac60-4f09-b4df-b15400ce35aa\/33aaac7e-3581-4e21-a3df-b154011ba58c\/fb67021e-62d9-44af-b79c-b25d015894ed\/audio.mp3","podmotor_file_id":"","podmotor_episode_id":"","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"00:28:42","filesize":"26.32M","filesize_raw":"","date_recorded":"","explicit":"","block":""},"categories":[2082,2908],"tags":[],"podcast_series":[],"cwp_profile":[10934,10935],"series":[2101],"class_list":["post-311832","podcast","type-podcast","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-communication","category-forgiveness","cwp_profile-bobby-and-rebecca-markham","cwp_profile-christian-and-maddie-villafane","series-familylife-today"],"acf":[],"episode_featured_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/06\/image-scaled.jpg?w=1024","episode_player_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2023\/02\/image-scaled.jpg","download_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-download\/311832\/becoming-the-boss-to-managing-your-feelings-bobby-rebecca-markham-christian-maddie-villafane","player_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-player\/311832\/becoming-the-boss-to-managing-your-feelings-bobby-rebecca-markham-christian-maddie-villafane","audio_player":null,"episode_data":{"playerMode":"light","subscribeUrls":{"apple_podcasts":{"key":"apple_podcasts","url":"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303?mt=2&app=podcast","label":"Apple Podcasts","class":"apple_podcasts","icon":"apple-podcasts.png"},"google_podcasts":{"key":"google_podcasts","url":"","label":"Google Podcasts","class":"google_podcasts","icon":"google-podcasts.png"},"spotify":{"key":"spotify","url":"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm","label":"Spotify","class":"spotify","icon":"spotify.png"},"youtube":{"key":"youtube","url":"","label":"YouTube","class":"youtube","icon":"youtube.png"}},"rssFeedUrl":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/feed\/podcast\/familylife-today","embedCode":"<blockquote class=\"wp-embedded-content\" data-secret=\"c9YuEpoNPs\"><a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/becoming-the-boss-to-managing-your-feelings-bobby-rebecca-markham-christian-maddie-villafane\/\">Becoming the Boss to Managing Your Feelings: Bobby &#038; Rebecca Markham, Christian &#038; Maddie Villafane<\/a><\/blockquote><iframe sandbox=\"allow-scripts\" security=\"restricted\" src=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/becoming-the-boss-to-managing-your-feelings-bobby-rebecca-markham-christian-maddie-villafane\/embed\/#?secret=c9YuEpoNPs\" width=\"500\" height=\"350\" title=\"&#8220;Becoming the Boss to Managing Your Feelings: Bobby &#038; Rebecca Markham, Christian &#038; Maddie Villafane&#8221; &#8212; FamilyLife\u00ae - A Cru Ministry\" data-secret=\"c9YuEpoNPs\" frameborder=\"0\" marginwidth=\"0\" marginheight=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\" class=\"wp-embedded-content\"><\/iframe><script>\n\/*! This file is auto-generated *\/\n!function(d,l){\"use strict\";l.querySelector&&d.addEventListener&&\"undefined\"!=typeof URL&&(d.wp=d.wp||{},d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage||(d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage=function(e){var t=e.data;if((t||t.secret||t.message||t.value)&&!\/[^a-zA-Z0-9]\/.test(t.secret)){for(var s,r,n,a=l.querySelectorAll('iframe[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),o=l.querySelectorAll('blockquote[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),c=new RegExp(\"^https?:$\",\"i\"),i=0;i<o.length;i++)o[i].style.display=\"none\";for(i=0;i<a.length;i++)s=a[i],e.source===s.contentWindow&&(s.removeAttribute(\"style\"),\"height\"===t.message?(1e3<(r=parseInt(t.value,10))?r=1e3:~~r<200&&(r=200),s.height=r):\"link\"===t.message&&(r=new URL(s.getAttribute(\"src\")),n=new URL(t.value),c.test(n.protocol))&&n.host===r.host&&l.activeElement===s&&(d.top.location.href=t.value))}},d.addEventListener(\"message\",d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage,!1),l.addEventListener(\"DOMContentLoaded\",function(){for(var e,t,s=l.querySelectorAll(\"iframe.wp-embedded-content\"),r=0;r<s.length;r++)(t=(e=s[r]).getAttribute(\"data-secret\"))||(t=Math.random().toString(36).substring(2,12),e.src+=\"#?secret=\"+t,e.setAttribute(\"data-secret\",t)),e.contentWindow.postMessage({message:\"ready\",secret:t},\"*\")},!1)))}(window,document);\n\/\/# sourceURL=https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-includes\/js\/wp-embed.min.js\n<\/script>\n"},"spectra_custom_meta":{"secondline_imported_guid":["fb67021e-62d9-44af-b79c-b25d015894ed"],"audio_file":["https:\/\/traffic.omny.fm\/d\/clips\/cbd16f10-ac60-4f09-b4df-b15400ce35aa\/33aaac7e-3581-4e21-a3df-b154011ba58c\/fb67021e-62d9-44af-b79c-b25d015894ed\/audio.mp3"],"duration":["00:28:42"],"filesize":["26.32M"],"_thumbnail_id":["280865"],"show_notes":["\n<ul>\n<li><a href=\"https:\/\/www.youtube.com\/watch?v=0oZ4-i4eVKQ\">Watch the full \"Married with Benefits\" episode<\/a><\/li>\n<li>Purchase \"<a href=\"https:\/\/shop.familylife.com\/product\/the-surprising-secrets-of-highly-happy-marriages-the-little-things-that-make-a-big-difference\/\">The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages<\/a>\" at the FamilyLife store.<\/li>\n<li><a href=\"https:\/\/shop.familylife.com\/product\/art-of-marriage-kit\/\">Learn more about \"Art of Marriage\" online<\/a><\/li>\n<li>Learn more about the \"<a href=\"https:\/\/www.lovelikeyoumeanitcruise.com\/\">Love Like You Mean It<\/a>\" cruise online.<\/li>\n<li>Learn more about \"<a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/verticalmarriagestudy\/\">Vertical Marriage<\/a>\" online.<\/li>\n<li><a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/weekend-to-remember\/\">Register to Weekend to Remember<\/a>.<\/li>\n<li><a href=\"https:\/\/shop.familylife.com\/product-category\/spiritual-growth\/\">Find more spiritual growth resources online<\/a><\/li>\n<li><a href=\"https:\/\/donate.familylife.com\/help-families-come-home\/?cru_source=24EGPC&cru_medium=podcast&cru_campaign=YE2024\">Double your donation to FamilyLife<\/a><\/li>\n<li>Find resources from this podcast at <a href=\"https:\/\/shop.familylife.com\/product-category\/radio-resources\/\">shop.familylife.com<\/a>.<\/li>\n<li><a href=\"https:\/\/shop.familylife.com\/product-category\/past-radio-resources\/\">See resources from our past podcasts.<\/a><\/li>\n<li>Find more content and resources on the <a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/flministries\/app\/\">FamilyLife's app<\/a>!<\/li>\n<li>Help others find FamilyLife. Leave a review on <a href=\"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303\">Apple Podcast<\/a> or <a href=\"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm?si=d6dfa8d2415f4750\">Spotify<\/a>.<\/li>\n<li>Check out all the FamilyLife's podcasts on the <a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/flministries\/familylife-podcast-network\/\">FamilyLife Podcast Network<\/a><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n\n"],"transcript_url":["https:\/\/transcript.familylife.com\/fl2025-01-20.pdf"],"transcript_content":["\nFamilyLife Today\u00ae with Dave and Ann Wilson - Web Version Transcript\r\n\r\nThis content has been generated by an artificial intelligence language model. While we strive for accuracy and quality, please note that the information provided will most likely not be entirely error-free or up-to-date. We recommend independently verifying the content with the originally-released audio. This transcript is provided for your personal use and general information purposes only. References to conferences, resources, or other special promotions may be obsolete. We do not assume any responsibility or liability for the use or interpretation of this content.\r\n\r\nBecoming the Boss to Managing Your Feelings\r\n\r\nGuests:Bobby and Rebecca Markham and Christian and Maddie Villafane\r\n\r\nFrom the series:Becoming the Boss to Managing Your Feelings (Day 1 of 1)\r\n\r\nAir date:January 20, 2025\r\n\r\nJeff: Before I would end any entry, I would say, \u201cWe may have been at odds with each other today, but I just want you to know I'm so grateful for you about this\u2026\u201d I would begin to put a list down. The oddest thing happened: by the time I went upstairs from my office, all of that heat and emotion that I'd been feeling somehow left.\r\n\r\nAnn: Welcome to FamilyLife Today, where we want to help you pursue the relationships that matter most. I'm Ann Wilson.\r\n\r\nDave:And I'm Dave Wilson, and you can find us at FamilyLifeToday.com. This is FamilyLife Today. \r\n\r\nDave: I'm thinking today is going to be a great day\u2014\r\n\r\nAnn: I do, too.\r\n\r\nDave:\u2014for a couple of reasons. The couples we have sitting around the table\u2014we'll introduce them in a second\u2014but whenever you get to sit with the pros\u2014the best in the world at what they do\u2014and learn from them, that's a good day.\r\n\r\nAnn: Right; and we have the pros today.\r\n\r\nDave:We have the pros. The pros are sitting around a table, but we're going to watch a segment of Married with Benefits\u00ae, our podcast with FamilyLife, which is Brian Goins with Shaunti Feldhahn.\r\n\r\nAnn:But we also have joining them\u2014\r\n\r\nDave:\u2014Jeff.\r\n\r\nAnn: \u2014Jeff, her husband.\r\n\r\nDave:He's coming in remote, but they're talking about their book, The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Couples, which is\u2014it's a long story to try and understand this\u2014but they found the most happy marriages. They call them highly happy\u2014crazy term\u2014and they're very satisfied in their marriages. So it's like: \u201cWhat do they do? What are their habits?\u201d And she calls them secrets that they have. Today's secret\u2014this is a weird term, in my opinion: \"boss your feelings\u201d\u2014highly-happy couples boss their feelings. \r\n\r\n\u201cWhat in the world does that mean?\u201d We're going to find out right now; and then, we're going to interview these couples around the table and get your response to what they say. So you guys ready? \r\n\r\nChristian and Bobby: Ready.\r\n\r\nDave: Alright; you're ready. Let's watch Shaunti, Jeff, and Brian and find out what \u201cboss your feelings\u201d means.\r\n\r\n[Married with Benefits Podcast]\r\n\r\nBrian:The secret is that you can actually learn to boss your feelings around rather than just feel your feelings, like, \u201cOh, they're my feelings; I just feel them.\u201d But you guys were saying you discovered: \u201cNo, you can actually boss your feelings around.\u201d\r\n\r\nShaunti: We had a study group as part of this research project\u2014where Jeff and I were talking to, not just people who were the happiest couples; but within that group, there were people who had gone from being in a pretty desperate spot in their marriage; and now, they were part of this highly-happy group\u2014I wanted to talk to them in particular. I'm like, \u201cWhat changed?\u201d And this one woman said, \u201dI realized, for our whole marriage, I was letting my feelings boss me around; and I decided, \u2018No, I'm going to boss my feelings around.\u2019\u201d\r\n\r\nBrian:\u2014and specifically about her husband\r\n\r\nShaunti: \u2014about her husband. That was a great way of capturing it. When we tested it statistically, we kept seeing it in these happy couples. We kept seeing examples of doing something that literally changed their train of thought.\r\n\r\nBrian:Can't somebody just say, \u201cWell, that's probably because the reason why\u2014you were testing\/you were testing people, who naturally have a cup half-full life; or they're always either excited\u2014 \r\n\r\nShaunti: Tigger! \r\n\r\nBrian: Well, yeah; Tigger. Or they're just going to be: \u201cI'm going to will myself into a better place.\u201d Are you telling me that this is across the board\u2014regardless of personality type?\u2014\r\n\r\nShaunti: Regardless\u2014\r\n\r\nBrian:\u2014you can boss your feelings around.\r\n\r\nShaunti: \u2014regardless of temperament. One of the things that we had been nervous about, all the way through the research, was this question of temperament; and then, something happened. Remember, we had discovered we were in this highly-happy marriage, where it hadn't always been that way. Suddenly, we're like, \u201cWow, we really are in this highly-happy marriage.\u201d What got us there, we realized was something that Jeff had done, without realizing it would radically change the course of our marriage.\r\n\r\nJeff: I wish there was a strategy or a plan that I had to do this and accomplish this task; but really, what it came from was when Shaunti turned 39.\r\n\r\nShaunti: \u2014just a couple years ago.\r\n\r\nBrian:Exactly.\r\n\r\nJeff: I got into my head that her 40th birthday: \u201cThat's a pretty big milestone. She's the type of person who loves getting gifts. She loves thought and care put into that.\u201d So in my mind, \u201cI really need to step it up to make sure that her 40th birthday is going to be something special.\u201d I decided I would write her a book, essentially, which would be: \u201cA\r\n\r\nYear in the Life of Shaunti.\u201d I would diligently record every single day of her 39th year\u2014what transpired in our life; what transpired in her life with our kids; between us\u2014all of those things. I would then, the day before her birthday, go; get it bound and compiled into a book; and hand it to her.\r\n\r\nBrian:I'm really glad that my 40th and Jen's 40th has passed now; but now, I could imagine my wife going\u2014if she were here\u2014\"Okay, my next big birthday, you're going to write a book for me, right?\u201d Thanks, Jeff!\r\n\r\nJeff: Yeah, I can hear the men, on the other end of this, thinking, \u201cI hate this guy.\u201d Well, let me just disabuse you, and all of the men listening, about my ability to give good gifts to my wife.\r\n\r\nShaunti: This was a good gift. Just let's just say this was an amazing gift.\r\n\r\nBrian:Is this what he would naturally have done? \r\n\r\nShaunti: No.\r\n\r\nBrian:No; okay. So what did you learn in this process, Jeff? You write this book; and then, what happens?\r\n\r\nJeff: Yeah, so here's what happened: I would make little notes throughout the day; and then, at the end of the day, I would go down to my home office, and sit in front of my computer, and type it all out into a Word document.\r\n\r\nShaunti: I should say, I had no idea he was doing this.\r\n\r\nBrian:Yeah, totally clueless.\r\n\r\nShaunti: He would often run down to his home office anyway. I had no idea\u2014he'd be down there for five minutes; sometimes, ten minutes\u2014I didn't know that this was happening.\r\n\r\nJeff: I wanted to be very accurate of the particular day. And there were days when Shaunti and I weren\u2019t on, so to speak, the same page, and there were a lot of emotions flying around. I would get down to my home office in quite a mood\u2014feeling pretty chapped about something\u2014and I would just be sitting there, hammering away at the keys, and going, \u201cAnd then, you said this\u2026; and it made me feel this way\u2026\u201d; because I wanted to capture her in a day in her life.\r\n\r\nBrian:So you weren't just capturing the great sunny days?\r\n\r\nJeff: No, no; it wasn't the Instagram-version of her year. As I was doing this for a week or two, I got this thought that: \u201cMaybe, our kids will read this in 25 or 30 years; and they'll go, \u2018Dad, you were kind of a jerk at some of these moments.\u2019\u201d I wanted to kind of be honest about what had transpired; but I also wanted to, in each entry, say something positive. And so I began to, before I would end any entry, I would say, \u201cWe may have been at odds with each other today, but I just want you to know I'm so grateful for you about this\u2026\u201d I would begin to put a list down. The oddest thing happened: by the time I went upstairs from my office, all of that heat and emotion that I'd been feeling, on the way down, somehow left. I didn't really recognize it; all I knew is that I felt better. I didn't connect the dots.\r\n\r\nBrian:Yeah; so when did you connect those dots? I mean, that's a pretty big statement: that you went down the stairs, feeling one way about your wife; you came back up the stairs. The only thing that changed is that you wrote down a few words.\r\n\r\nShaunti: Yep.\r\n\r\nBrian:When did you connect the dots?\u2014\u201cThat\u2019s exactly what I was doing; I was telling my feelings where to go.\u201d \r\n\r\nJeff: When we were hearing other couples talk about their relationship in this research, it was like, \u201cThat's what it was, Shaunti.\u201d That's what we did\u2014I had me to do it\u2014I did.\r\n\r\nShaunti: Well, the thing that was astounding was this had been probably\u2014I'm trying to back it up\u2014but this had probably been five years.\r\n\r\nJeff: \u2014at least.\r\n\r\nShaunti: Because it had been quite a few years back, it just hadn't occurred to me; and yet, when we started hearing these other couples, we both went, \u201cThis is what we're hearing, and that is what you did.\u201d It was so powerful to realize that what he was basically doing was literally changing his mind. He was literally changing the course of his thoughts, and it changed the course of his feelings.\r\n\r\nJeff: I wasn't changing my thoughts with wishful thinking about Shaunti. I was remembering the truth about Shaunti\u2014about the things that she does so well\u2014that I often just take for granted. We all have them; every marriage has them. Every husband has those thoughts about his wife; every wife has those thoughts about her husband. We forget to look at them; we need to remind ourselves.\r\n\r\n[Studio]\r\n\r\nDave:Wow! So let's talk about \u201cboss your feelings.\u201d We got the Markhams here\u2014Bobby and Rebecca Markam are sitting over here\u2014[married] 25 years; five kids; on staff of FamilyLife. You still in love with each other?\r\n\r\nBobby: Yes; even more now.\r\n\r\nRebecca: Oh, yes; very much.\r\n\r\nDave:\u201cEven more now than\u2026\u201d What do you mean? \u201c\u2026more\u201d than when?\r\n\r\nBobby: Just several years ago, God transformed our marriage. Since then, we've grown in our love for one another.\r\n\r\nDave:Alright; we got to come back to that in a second; I want to know if transforming your marriage had anything to do with bossing your feelings.\r\n\r\nOn the other side [of the table], we've got almost a newlywed couple; I mean, you've been married two years now?\r\n\r\nChristian and Maddie: Yes; two and a half.\r\n\r\nDave: Christian and Maddie Villafane. Two and a half years? You got to get that extra six months. Now, when you hear that, what do you think? Are you guys madly in love?\r\n\r\nMaddie: Yes; I mean, we're filled with so much admiration for Bobby and Rebecca. They happen to be our mentors, so we look up to them. That fills us with so much hope: as much as we're in love now, in 25 years, it'll be that much more.\r\n\r\nDave:Now what's that look like?\u2014mentors?\r\n\r\nMaddie: Well, they actually are small group leaders. \r\n\r\nDave: I\u2019m trying to grasp that concept\u2014what hit you?\u2014anything jump out? Do you agree with it? Do you do it? Is it hard; is it easy? What do you think?\r\n\r\nChristian: It\u2019s hard; it\u2019s very hard.\r\n\r\nAnn: Why do you think it's hard, Bobby?\r\n\r\nBobby: Every time we have situations, where you either boss your feelings or you don't, it's literally the Galatians 5: flesh and Spirit. I feel it inside; I really do. I heard John MacArthur, years ago, talk about \u201cour old man being put to death\u201d as a chicken with its head cut off. While it's dead, it's flapping around in this world. It's something I seriously feel inside of me in certain moments in our relationship. It doesn't have to be big explosive issues; it can be the small things; and then, all of a sudden, you feel this tension inside, waging war: \u201cAm I going to do this for the good of us or am I going to stand my ground?\u201d Oftentimes, I stand my ground; and I hurt her.\r\n\r\nAnn: We feel like, \u201cI am right!\u201d\r\n\r\nBobby: Yes, very much so.\r\n\r\nAnn: \u201cI am right!\u201d \r\n\r\nDave: Do you feel the passion when she said that? This has happened in our home many times.\r\n\r\nAnn: So to subdue that, it can only be done through the power of Christ!\r\n\r\nBobby: Yes.\r\n\r\nAnn: Because I want to win it!\r\n\r\nBobby: And it's everything that Ann just said, with that same kind of passion; I'm feeling that inside, oftentimes, too. I have this fight-to-win personality\u2014and I have a real strong sense of right and wrong\u2014and so I can be wrong; but if I think I'm right, then we're in trouble. \r\n\r\nAnn: Yes.\r\n\r\nDave:Let me read how Shaunti defined this surprising secret in her book; because when you read it, you're like, \u201cWho can do this?\u201d She says: \u201cHighly-happy couples quickly stop a negative train of thought or action, replacing unhappy or angry thoughts or actions with positive ones, in order to change their feelings.\u201d A couple words in there jump out\u2014\u201cquickly\u201d\u2014you don't go down this train very long; as soon as you start feeling those unhappy [thoughts]\u2014the best couples in the world who really are satisfied in their marriage\u2014it's almost like 2 Corinthians 10:5: \u201cTake every thought captive\u2026\u201d It's like, \u201cI got to grab that thought before it lands, and I got to get it now; or it's going to take us to a bad place.\u201d \r\n\r\nIs that what you do, Christian and Maddie? I mean, does this work for you guys?\r\n\r\nMaddie: I think this is something we really struggled with just because of our own backgrounds. Maybe, this is why Bobby and Rebecca have been so impactful. Neither of us really saw that in our own homes: parents taking their thoughts captive. It really was just: whatever you feel, you say; and whatever emotion you have, you don't temper it\u2014you just kind of yell or\u2014\r\n\r\nAnn: So you both had that in your families?\r\n\r\nChristian: Yeah; I definitely grew up in a house where everything was just an explosion at times whenever we had an emotion or feeling. I never really grew up learning how to control that and also channel it in the right way. If something's bothering you, you yell. If something is annoying, you could hit it. My brother and I had fights all the time, just to resolve our issues; and argued with my mom. That's how I grew up, and that's all I knew. And every time she had issues as well, we'd all argue it out. It's nothing to do on her [mom] or her fault; that's probably how she grew up as well. \r\n\r\nYeah, it was definitely a hard changing of the gears, when we\u2019re getting married, and starting to learn how\u2014\r\n\r\nAnn: \u2014to control your tongue.\r\n\r\nChristian: Exactly.\r\n\r\nMaddie: Well, I remember saying: \u201cI'm never going to do this when I get married; I'm never going to raise my voice. My kids are never going to see us fight.\u201d It was like, \r\n\r\nDay 1\u2014\r\n\r\nAnn: It's crazy, isn't it? \r\n\r\nMaddie: Yeah; I didn't realize how much work it really does take. It's not an easy thing.\r\n\r\nDave:Have you been able to boss your feelings? Have you been able to\u2014\r\n\r\nAnn: Are you learning to\u2014\r\n\r\nDave: \u2014change that?\r\n\r\nMaddie: Yeah, it took us a while to figure out. I don't think we had the language for that yet. It really was just [that] we gave into every feeling we had. And then, as we got mentors\u2014and even here, working at FamilyLife\u2014learned that your feelings aren't fact. And the Lord does actually want you to be \u201cslow to anger and slow to speak\u201d and to control how you speak to your spouse, speaking life into them instead of speaking death. That's been something we still really are struggling with. We're still learning, but it's becoming easier.\r\n\r\nAnn: Let ask you all this\u2014maybe, Rebecca: maybe, you've done this\u2014I didn't want to go to the Lord with all that I was feeling in my thoughts about Dave, because I thought He'd temper it. You guys, I just wanted to let Him fly; I wanted to let Him loose and just go there to build my case. \r\n\r\nBut I found that, whenever I would go to the Lord, and start complaining about Dave, I couldn't do it! I felt like He was always sticking up for him, or He'd allow me to see something\u2014\r\n\r\nDave: Thank You, Jesus. \r\n\r\nAnn: \u2014great. I remember, one time, I'm just folding clothes\u2014and I'm going through all the things\u2014I have my list, like: \u201cLord, can You believe that he did this?\u201d and \u201cHe does this,\u201d and \u201cCan You believe the way he\u2026\u201d I had this feeling that came through my mind, and the thought was, \u201cWhat would it be like if you prayed for him as much as you complained about him?\u201d It was like this dagger in me, just like, \u201cYou're no fun, Jesus! It's no fun!\u201d \r\n\r\nHave you found that Rebecca, that when you go before God, it kind of puts a halt to some of that?\r\n\r\nRebecca: Yeah, and I don't think I've been very quick to do that. Shaunti had put in the description. There were times where because I would consider myself, and we joke about this in our marriage group, that I'm like a mushy-gushy kind of person. I have a very tender heart.\r\n\r\nAnn: You do; it\u2019s beautiful\r\n\r\n.\r\n\r\nRebecca: So whenever I got married to Bobby, I was thinking, \u201cOh, well it's just going to be a mushy-gushy kind of thing.\u201d \r\n\r\nAnn: Beautiful.\r\n\r\nRebecca: Yeah, puppies and rainbows; and it's just going to be awesome all the time. I knew that he was a man of God: \u201cIt's going to be this fantastic, marvelous thing, where we just feel mushy-gushy together all the time.\u201d And it wasn't that way. God made us two very different people; and there was a time, where I didn't feel like he and I could communicate very well. I didn't feel like I could share all of my mushy-gushiness, and it be received; we couldn't communicate on that level as well. \r\n\r\nAnd one thing\u2014whenever I went to the Lord, and I would just pour out all of those multitudes of feelings\u2014God had led me to start writing notes for him every morning and putting them in his lunch. I could kind of put Scripture to certain things; and then, also share my feelings; but it wasn't like all mush-gush all in his face. It was just like being able to put something on a slip of paper; and then, including it in his lunch to try to encourage him through the day.\r\n\r\nAnn: Give us an example of one of those notes.\r\n\r\nRebecca: Oh, goodness.\r\n\r\nAnn: Bobby, you might.\r\n\r\nDave: Bobby, do you remember one? \r\n\r\nBobby: I still have all of them. \r\n\r\nDave: All of them?\r\n\r\nBobby: This was early in our marriage. \r\n\r\nAnn: He is mushy-gushy!\r\n\r\nBobby: Yeah, I just have a hard time receiving it at first. It's like it feels overwhelming, with my personality; but it was so special, because she was super disciplined to have a little note in my lunch every single day. I'd go on a mission trip; and in advance, she would have a letter for every day of my mission trip to open each day. It always warmed my heart, at the right time; and it gave me God's Word and just little thoughts of sweetness that she felt towards me\u2014that maybe, she didn't feel as confident saying to me; because of how I might react or not reciprocate her feelings back towards her in that time\u2014and that was early in our marriage too. \r\n\r\nI think a lot has changed since then in how we view each other and we'll speak towards each other. She still gets really mushy now; and I still have those deer-in-the-headlight moments, when she starts bringing it on. \r\n\r\nAnn: Do you feel like, \u201cI don't know what to do with this\u201d?\r\n\r\nBobby: Yeah; sometimes, I don't know what to do; I kind of lock up in the moment. I lock up in the moment, and she expresses her way in words a lot.\r\n\r\nDave:Rebecca, do you feel like doing that was a little bit like what Jeff said? Did it sort of change your feelings, because you're writing down positives?\r\n\r\nRebecca: Yes, because I needed to be able to get out what I was feeling inside just because I felt like I have all these feelings bubbling up inside and I wanted to share them, but I couldn't share them in the way that was more natural for me. So whenever I went to the Lord, and I would talk to Him about it, it was like He gave me more of an avenue to share what was inside of me. It not feel like it was just so strong,\u2014\r\n\r\nAnn: \u2014overwhelming,\r\n\r\nRebecca: \u2014overwhelming; I was bubbling over into his space so much.\r\n\r\nAnn: What a sweet gift of God to give you that idea.\r\n\r\nDave:Here's the thought I had. I'm guessing\u2014you tell me if I'm even right; I could be completely wrong\u2014there's a listener whose thought goes this way: \u201cIf my husband\u201d or \u201cIf my wife would do that, then I would love them. I would feel drawn to them, like, \u2018Wow! Rebecca, that's amazing. Bobby\u2014of course, he loves her\u2014look at what she does.\u2019\u201d I think, often, when we hear those kind of stories, instead of going, \u201cI should do that\u201d; we go, \u201cWhy doesn't my spouse?\u201d\r\n\r\nAnn: \u2014or \u201cIf you knew who I was married to, you wouldn't be writing those notes.\u201d\r\n\r\nDave:And I want to say to you: \u201cIf you're thinking that, that's a natural thought; I get it.\u201d But I would say: \u201cDo it\u2014you do it\u2014flip it on its head; say, \u2018Okay, they may never do that; but you know what? I'm going to start doing that.\u2019\u201d\r\n\r\nAnn: Yeah: \u201cBoss my feelings.\u201d\r\n\r\n \r\n\r\nDave:I think it would change the way you feel about them. Just say, \u201cI'm going to initiate. Whether I get any reciprocation, I am going to initiate, and show love, and respect, and honor,\u201d\u2014whether it's a note, or whatever it is, a text\u2014man, what a beautiful thing to do.\r\n\r\nAnn: We do it with other people. I was with our grandkids. This one little grandson\u2014he's the best; but man, he was a handful that day\u2014and I was so bothered by it. But when he went to bed, I said all the good things about him to him: \u201cThis is who you are\u2026\u201d \u201cThis is who you're going to be\u2026\u201d; I went totally contrary to my emotions. We can do it with people\u2014we do it at work; we do it on our jobs\u2014we might be really bugged or bothered by our boss; but we, generally, don't say those things.\r\n\r\nDave:What would you say\u2014and we're sort of toward the end here, so one of you can respond\u2014but if [someone\u2019s] thinking, \u201cOkay, I don't feel it, and I'm sort of stuck; and you're telling me to boss and change my feelings,\u201d What would you say to somebody who is asking you: \u201cHow do I do that? I want to, but I can't; I'm just stuck.\u201d What comes to your mind? What should they do?\r\n\r\nChristian: I think it first starts with little things\u2014very little things\u2014and start with what you're given at the moment; just take a step forward. I was talking with Maddie about this\u2014and we're always moving\u2014so if we're moving towards oneness, we're going in a direction that's going to be closer together in the long-run\u2014whether that's saying: \u201cI love you,\u201d \u201cI hope you have a great day,\u201d \u201cYou're very important to me; I just want you to know that,\u201d\u2014that alone can just make it one step closer to oneness with each other. And that alone, I feel creates a very strong marriage and just building that stronger foundation for when the tough times do come.\r\n\r\nMaddie: If my thought process is: \u201cMarriage is based on my feelings,\u201d then you're in the wrong spot; because marriage is very much a choice, and that is in your vows: \u201cI'm going to be with you for better or for worse,\u201d\u2014not: \u201cI'm going to be with you when we're in the good times,\u201d\u2014\"I'm going to be with you when it's hard, and when I don't feel it, or when I think you don't deserve my love; I'm going to do it anyway, because that's what the Lord does for us. He died for us when we were still in sin, and He knows we're going to mess up again; but He didn't let that temper His action or Him going to that cross. And in the same way, that's why marriage is the picture of the Lord's love for us. This is how you know the Lord deeper, and you love Him deeper, and you can honor Him in dying to yourself and dying to your feelings. Yeah, laying down your life for your spouse.\u201d\r\n\r\nAnn: That's wisdom from a woman in her 20s.\r\n\r\nChristian: Amen.\r\n\r\nMaddie: Only I have the best people around to learn from.\r\n\r\nAnn: That\u2019s really good.\r\n\r\nDave:How about from a couple in their 25th year marriage, five kids in the home, and parents; so you've got a house-full. \r\n\r\nAnn: Yes, a house-full; nine people living in your home. \r\n\r\nBobby: There\u2019s nine of us. \r\n\r\nDave: Nine in there. Any thoughts?\r\n\r\nRebecca: I've learned that my feelings cannot dictate reality; because no matter what I'm thinking or feeling\u2014whether it's a mushy-gushy, bubbly-feeling, or whether it's really hard\u2014if I'm facing something hard, Bobby and I are not getting along. Something is going on that's hard in our home, with the kids or whatever, being able to realize my feelings are not reality. The Lord can, whenever we're leaning on Him and asking Him to empty us and fill us with His Spirit, then He can guide us through what is really reality: what's really going on in front of us. \r\n\r\nBobby: I realized that, in our relationship\u2014and not just in the big moments that define shifting points in our marriage\u2014our marriage was in a rough place for many years; and then, it shifted into a sweet place. But even in the day to day\u2014the simple little things like, \u201cIs the toilet seat staying up or down?\u201d\u2014and we have an argument about it in Year 25; and we're having an argument about it\u2014and it's, literally, the little death and resurrection that has to take place in those little things in our relationship. I start moving forward. \r\n\r\nAs Christian was saying earlier, it's like a car can turn a whole lot easier if it's moving\u2014moving forward and starting to act out\u2014the very thing that I don't necessarily want to deal with, in the middle of the night all the time, and make sure it's down for her. If she happens to come in the middle of the night, but I start practicing it and doing it against my initial feelings of it, then it becomes a habit; and then, it becomes like, \u201cI'm happy to.\u201d\r\n\r\nAnn: You guys modeling what mentoring looks like is essential. \r\n\r\nAs you're listening, I'm going to ask you: \u201cAre you mentoring someone? If you've been married a while, you might not have a perfect marriage; but man, you've learned a lot.\u201d And also: \u201cDo you have a mentor couple?\u201d If you're married less than ten years, five years, two years, it's essential that you have some other people who have been there; done that. \r\n\r\nAnd I'm going to add this, too: \u201cIf you need prayer for your marriage, reach out to us. We, at FamilyLife, will pray for you. We will pray for your marriage.\r\n\r\nDave:We have a prayer team, and they will pray for you by name.\r\n\r\nAnn: Just go to FamilyLife.com\/PrayForMe.\r\n\r\nDave:Well, this is FamilyLife Today. We're Dave and Ann Wilson, and you've been listening to a show, where we had a reaction to another show. We had these couples come in; and we just talked about: \u201cWhat do you think about this show?\u201d That show was called Married with Benefits; it's on our Married with Benefits podcast. You can listen to the full episode of that show anywhere you listen to your podcasts; and it's also on YouTube\u2014FamilyLife YouTube\u2014as well. The book we were talking about is a great book by our friend, Shaunti Feldhahn; it's called The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages: The Little Things that Make a Big Difference.\r\n\r\nAnn: I love her stuff, and we love them as a couple. I think you, as a listener, are going to love reading this and appreciate all the wisdom they bring into marriage.\r\n\r\nDave:Yeah; you can get your copy, right now, at FamilyLifeToday.com; it's in the show notes. Or you can give us a call at 800-358-6329. That's 800-F as in Family, L as in Life, and then the word, TODAY. And I hope you give us a call; this book is really life-changing. \r\n\r\nAnother life-changing opportunity for you is to go to a marriage getaway, and ours is called the Weekend to Remember\u00ae. They're all around the country; and right now, they're half off.\r\n\r\nAnn: And this is the last day to get this conference at half off the registration price.\r\n\r\nDave:Yeah, I don't know what you're going to do in the next couple minutes; but I'm telling you what to do. Alright, you listening?\u2014I'm telling you what to do\u2014\u201cToday's it; this is your last chance to get 50 percent off. You can't think, \u2018Oh, I'm going to do it tomorrow\u2019; it'll be gone tomorrow. Today's your day. Go to FamilyLifeToday.com; sign up for the Weekend to Remember.\u201d And by the way, you can pick any Weekend to Remember anywhere in the country. Maybe, it's a chance to get out of your city and go away on a little destination weekend, with your spouse, and let God change your marriage. Again, FamilyLifeToday.com; sign up for the Weekend to Remember.\r\n\r\nAnn: And we'll see you back next time for another edition of FamilyLife Today.\r\n\r\nFamilyLife Today is a donor-supported production of FamilyLife\u00ae, a Cru\u00ae Ministry. \r\n\r\nHelping you pursue the relationships that matter most.\r\n\r\nIf you\u2019ve benefited from the FamilyLife Today transcripts, would you consider donating today to help defray the costs of producing them and making them available online?  \r\n\r\nCopyright \u00a9 2025 FamilyLife. All rights reserved.\r\n\r\nwww.FamilyLife.com                                 \r\n\r\n\n"],"_edit_lock":["1739216186:47000"],"_uag_css_file_name":["uag-css-311832.css"],"_uag_js_file_name":["uag-js-311832.js"],"_uag_page_assets":["a:9:{s:3:\"css\";s:82560:\".wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape-top svg{width: calc( 100% + 1.3px );}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape.uagb-container__shape-top .uagb-container__shape-fill{fill: rgba(51,51,51,1);}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape-bottom svg{width: calc( 100% + 1.3px );}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape.uagb-container__shape-bottom .uagb-container__shape-fill{fill: rgba(51,51,51,1);}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__video-wrap video{opacity: 1;}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-is-root-container .uagb-block-e11dbe9f{max-width: 100%;width: 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Coyle","author_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/author\/margaret-coyle-a9eb952f\/"},"uagb_comment_info":0,"uagb_excerpt":"Managing feelings, intentionality, and mentorship are all key to building strong marriages. Guests share personal stories and insights on these topics.","meta_box":{"show_notes":"\n<ul>\n<li><a href=\"https:\/\/www.youtube.com\/watch?v=0oZ4-i4eVKQ\">Watch the full \"Married with Benefits\" episode<\/a><\/li>\n<li>Purchase \"<a href=\"https:\/\/shop.familylife.com\/product\/the-surprising-secrets-of-highly-happy-marriages-the-little-things-that-make-a-big-difference\/\">The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages<\/a>\" at the FamilyLife store.<\/li>\n<li><a href=\"https:\/\/shop.familylife.com\/product\/art-of-marriage-kit\/\">Learn more about \"Art of Marriage\" online<\/a><\/li>\n<li>Learn more about the \"<a href=\"https:\/\/www.lovelikeyoumeanitcruise.com\/\">Love Like You Mean It<\/a>\" cruise online.<\/li>\n<li>Learn more about \"<a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/verticalmarriagestudy\/\">Vertical Marriage<\/a>\" online.<\/li>\n<li><a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/weekend-to-remember\/\">Register to Weekend to Remember<\/a>.<\/li>\n<li><a href=\"https:\/\/shop.familylife.com\/product-category\/spiritual-growth\/\">Find more spiritual growth resources online<\/a><\/li>\n<li><a href=\"https:\/\/donate.familylife.com\/help-families-come-home\/?cru_source=24EGPC&cru_medium=podcast&cru_campaign=YE2024\">Double your donation to FamilyLife<\/a><\/li>\n<li>Find resources from this podcast at <a href=\"https:\/\/shop.familylife.com\/product-category\/radio-resources\/\">shop.familylife.com<\/a>.<\/li>\n<li><a href=\"https:\/\/shop.familylife.com\/product-category\/past-radio-resources\/\">See resources from our past podcasts.<\/a><\/li>\n<li>Find more content and resources on the <a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/flministries\/app\/\">FamilyLife's app<\/a>!<\/li>\n<li>Help others find FamilyLife. Leave a review on <a href=\"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303\">Apple Podcast<\/a> or <a href=\"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm?si=d6dfa8d2415f4750\">Spotify<\/a>.<\/li>\n<li>Check out all the FamilyLife's podcasts on the <a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/flministries\/familylife-podcast-network\/\">FamilyLife Podcast Network<\/a><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n\n","transcript_url":"https:\/\/transcript.familylife.com\/fl2025-01-20.pdf","transcript_content":"\nFamilyLife Today\u00ae with Dave and Ann Wilson - Web Version Transcript\r\n\r\nThis content has been generated by an artificial intelligence language model. While we strive for accuracy and quality, please note that the information provided will most likely not be entirely error-free or up-to-date. We recommend independently verifying the content with the originally-released audio. This transcript is provided for your personal use and general information purposes only. References to conferences, resources, or other special promotions may be obsolete. We do not assume any responsibility or liability for the use or interpretation of this content.\r\n\r\nBecoming the Boss to Managing Your Feelings\r\n\r\nGuests:Bobby and Rebecca Markham and Christian and Maddie Villafane\r\n\r\nFrom the series:Becoming the Boss to Managing Your Feelings (Day 1 of 1)\r\n\r\nAir date:January 20, 2025\r\n\r\nJeff: Before I would end any entry, I would say, \u201cWe may have been at odds with each other today, but I just want you to know I'm so grateful for you about this\u2026\u201d I would begin to put a list down. The oddest thing happened: by the time I went upstairs from my office, all of that heat and emotion that I'd been feeling somehow left.\r\n\r\nAnn: Welcome to FamilyLife Today, where we want to help you pursue the relationships that matter most. I'm Ann Wilson.\r\n\r\nDave:And I'm Dave Wilson, and you can find us at FamilyLifeToday.com. This is FamilyLife Today. \r\n\r\nDave: I'm thinking today is going to be a great day\u2014\r\n\r\nAnn: I do, too.\r\n\r\nDave:\u2014for a couple of reasons. The couples we have sitting around the table\u2014we'll introduce them in a second\u2014but whenever you get to sit with the pros\u2014the best in the world at what they do\u2014and learn from them, that's a good day.\r\n\r\nAnn: Right; and we have the pros today.\r\n\r\nDave:We have the pros. The pros are sitting around a table, but we're going to watch a segment of Married with Benefits\u00ae, our podcast with FamilyLife, which is Brian Goins with Shaunti Feldhahn.\r\n\r\nAnn:But we also have joining them\u2014\r\n\r\nDave:\u2014Jeff.\r\n\r\nAnn: \u2014Jeff, her husband.\r\n\r\nDave:He's coming in remote, but they're talking about their book, The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Couples, which is\u2014it's a long story to try and understand this\u2014but they found the most happy marriages. They call them highly happy\u2014crazy term\u2014and they're very satisfied in their marriages. So it's like: \u201cWhat do they do? What are their habits?\u201d And she calls them secrets that they have. Today's secret\u2014this is a weird term, in my opinion: \"boss your feelings\u201d\u2014highly-happy couples boss their feelings. \r\n\r\n\u201cWhat in the world does that mean?\u201d We're going to find out right now; and then, we're going to interview these couples around the table and get your response to what they say. So you guys ready? \r\n\r\nChristian and Bobby: Ready.\r\n\r\nDave: Alright; you're ready. Let's watch Shaunti, Jeff, and Brian and find out what \u201cboss your feelings\u201d means.\r\n\r\n[Married with Benefits Podcast]\r\n\r\nBrian:The secret is that you can actually learn to boss your feelings around rather than just feel your feelings, like, \u201cOh, they're my feelings; I just feel them.\u201d But you guys were saying you discovered: \u201cNo, you can actually boss your feelings around.\u201d\r\n\r\nShaunti: We had a study group as part of this research project\u2014where Jeff and I were talking to, not just people who were the happiest couples; but within that group, there were people who had gone from being in a pretty desperate spot in their marriage; and now, they were part of this highly-happy group\u2014I wanted to talk to them in particular. I'm like, \u201cWhat changed?\u201d And this one woman said, \u201dI realized, for our whole marriage, I was letting my feelings boss me around; and I decided, \u2018No, I'm going to boss my feelings around.\u2019\u201d\r\n\r\nBrian:\u2014and specifically about her husband\r\n\r\nShaunti: \u2014about her husband. That was a great way of capturing it. When we tested it statistically, we kept seeing it in these happy couples. We kept seeing examples of doing something that literally changed their train of thought.\r\n\r\nBrian:Can't somebody just say, \u201cWell, that's probably because the reason why\u2014you were testing\/you were testing people, who naturally have a cup half-full life; or they're always either excited\u2014 \r\n\r\nShaunti: Tigger! \r\n\r\nBrian: Well, yeah; Tigger. Or they're just going to be: \u201cI'm going to will myself into a better place.\u201d Are you telling me that this is across the board\u2014regardless of personality type?\u2014\r\n\r\nShaunti: Regardless\u2014\r\n\r\nBrian:\u2014you can boss your feelings around.\r\n\r\nShaunti: \u2014regardless of temperament. One of the things that we had been nervous about, all the way through the research, was this question of temperament; and then, something happened. Remember, we had discovered we were in this highly-happy marriage, where it hadn't always been that way. Suddenly, we're like, \u201cWow, we really are in this highly-happy marriage.\u201d What got us there, we realized was something that Jeff had done, without realizing it would radically change the course of our marriage.\r\n\r\nJeff: I wish there was a strategy or a plan that I had to do this and accomplish this task; but really, what it came from was when Shaunti turned 39.\r\n\r\nShaunti: \u2014just a couple years ago.\r\n\r\nBrian:Exactly.\r\n\r\nJeff: I got into my head that her 40th birthday: \u201cThat's a pretty big milestone. She's the type of person who loves getting gifts. She loves thought and care put into that.\u201d So in my mind, \u201cI really need to step it up to make sure that her 40th birthday is going to be something special.\u201d I decided I would write her a book, essentially, which would be: \u201cA\r\n\r\nYear in the Life of Shaunti.\u201d I would diligently record every single day of her 39th year\u2014what transpired in our life; what transpired in her life with our kids; between us\u2014all of those things. I would then, the day before her birthday, go; get it bound and compiled into a book; and hand it to her.\r\n\r\nBrian:I'm really glad that my 40th and Jen's 40th has passed now; but now, I could imagine my wife going\u2014if she were here\u2014\"Okay, my next big birthday, you're going to write a book for me, right?\u201d Thanks, Jeff!\r\n\r\nJeff: Yeah, I can hear the men, on the other end of this, thinking, \u201cI hate this guy.\u201d Well, let me just disabuse you, and all of the men listening, about my ability to give good gifts to my wife.\r\n\r\nShaunti: This was a good gift. Just let's just say this was an amazing gift.\r\n\r\nBrian:Is this what he would naturally have done? \r\n\r\nShaunti: No.\r\n\r\nBrian:No; okay. So what did you learn in this process, Jeff? You write this book; and then, what happens?\r\n\r\nJeff: Yeah, so here's what happened: I would make little notes throughout the day; and then, at the end of the day, I would go down to my home office, and sit in front of my computer, and type it all out into a Word document.\r\n\r\nShaunti: I should say, I had no idea he was doing this.\r\n\r\nBrian:Yeah, totally clueless.\r\n\r\nShaunti: He would often run down to his home office anyway. I had no idea\u2014he'd be down there for five minutes; sometimes, ten minutes\u2014I didn't know that this was happening.\r\n\r\nJeff: I wanted to be very accurate of the particular day. And there were days when Shaunti and I weren\u2019t on, so to speak, the same page, and there were a lot of emotions flying around. I would get down to my home office in quite a mood\u2014feeling pretty chapped about something\u2014and I would just be sitting there, hammering away at the keys, and going, \u201cAnd then, you said this\u2026; and it made me feel this way\u2026\u201d; because I wanted to capture her in a day in her life.\r\n\r\nBrian:So you weren't just capturing the great sunny days?\r\n\r\nJeff: No, no; it wasn't the Instagram-version of her year. As I was doing this for a week or two, I got this thought that: \u201cMaybe, our kids will read this in 25 or 30 years; and they'll go, \u2018Dad, you were kind of a jerk at some of these moments.\u2019\u201d I wanted to kind of be honest about what had transpired; but I also wanted to, in each entry, say something positive. And so I began to, before I would end any entry, I would say, \u201cWe may have been at odds with each other today, but I just want you to know I'm so grateful for you about this\u2026\u201d I would begin to put a list down. The oddest thing happened: by the time I went upstairs from my office, all of that heat and emotion that I'd been feeling, on the way down, somehow left. I didn't really recognize it; all I knew is that I felt better. I didn't connect the dots.\r\n\r\nBrian:Yeah; so when did you connect those dots? I mean, that's a pretty big statement: that you went down the stairs, feeling one way about your wife; you came back up the stairs. The only thing that changed is that you wrote down a few words.\r\n\r\nShaunti: Yep.\r\n\r\nBrian:When did you connect the dots?\u2014\u201cThat\u2019s exactly what I was doing; I was telling my feelings where to go.\u201d \r\n\r\nJeff: When we were hearing other couples talk about their relationship in this research, it was like, \u201cThat's what it was, Shaunti.\u201d That's what we did\u2014I had me to do it\u2014I did.\r\n\r\nShaunti: Well, the thing that was astounding was this had been probably\u2014I'm trying to back it up\u2014but this had probably been five years.\r\n\r\nJeff: \u2014at least.\r\n\r\nShaunti: Because it had been quite a few years back, it just hadn't occurred to me; and yet, when we started hearing these other couples, we both went, \u201cThis is what we're hearing, and that is what you did.\u201d It was so powerful to realize that what he was basically doing was literally changing his mind. He was literally changing the course of his thoughts, and it changed the course of his feelings.\r\n\r\nJeff: I wasn't changing my thoughts with wishful thinking about Shaunti. I was remembering the truth about Shaunti\u2014about the things that she does so well\u2014that I often just take for granted. We all have them; every marriage has them. Every husband has those thoughts about his wife; every wife has those thoughts about her husband. We forget to look at them; we need to remind ourselves.\r\n\r\n[Studio]\r\n\r\nDave:Wow! So let's talk about \u201cboss your feelings.\u201d We got the Markhams here\u2014Bobby and Rebecca Markam are sitting over here\u2014[married] 25 years; five kids; on staff of FamilyLife. You still in love with each other?\r\n\r\nBobby: Yes; even more now.\r\n\r\nRebecca: Oh, yes; very much.\r\n\r\nDave:\u201cEven more now than\u2026\u201d What do you mean? \u201c\u2026more\u201d than when?\r\n\r\nBobby: Just several years ago, God transformed our marriage. Since then, we've grown in our love for one another.\r\n\r\nDave:Alright; we got to come back to that in a second; I want to know if transforming your marriage had anything to do with bossing your feelings.\r\n\r\nOn the other side [of the table], we've got almost a newlywed couple; I mean, you've been married two years now?\r\n\r\nChristian and Maddie: Yes; two and a half.\r\n\r\nDave: Christian and Maddie Villafane. Two and a half years? You got to get that extra six months. Now, when you hear that, what do you think? Are you guys madly in love?\r\n\r\nMaddie: Yes; I mean, we're filled with so much admiration for Bobby and Rebecca. They happen to be our mentors, so we look up to them. That fills us with so much hope: as much as we're in love now, in 25 years, it'll be that much more.\r\n\r\nDave:Now what's that look like?\u2014mentors?\r\n\r\nMaddie: Well, they actually are small group leaders. \r\n\r\nDave: I\u2019m trying to grasp that concept\u2014what hit you?\u2014anything jump out? Do you agree with it? Do you do it? Is it hard; is it easy? What do you think?\r\n\r\nChristian: It\u2019s hard; it\u2019s very hard.\r\n\r\nAnn: Why do you think it's hard, Bobby?\r\n\r\nBobby: Every time we have situations, where you either boss your feelings or you don't, it's literally the Galatians 5: flesh and Spirit. I feel it inside; I really do. I heard John MacArthur, years ago, talk about \u201cour old man being put to death\u201d as a chicken with its head cut off. While it's dead, it's flapping around in this world. It's something I seriously feel inside of me in certain moments in our relationship. It doesn't have to be big explosive issues; it can be the small things; and then, all of a sudden, you feel this tension inside, waging war: \u201cAm I going to do this for the good of us or am I going to stand my ground?\u201d Oftentimes, I stand my ground; and I hurt her.\r\n\r\nAnn: We feel like, \u201cI am right!\u201d\r\n\r\nBobby: Yes, very much so.\r\n\r\nAnn: \u201cI am right!\u201d \r\n\r\nDave: Do you feel the passion when she said that? This has happened in our home many times.\r\n\r\nAnn: So to subdue that, it can only be done through the power of Christ!\r\n\r\nBobby: Yes.\r\n\r\nAnn: Because I want to win it!\r\n\r\nBobby: And it's everything that Ann just said, with that same kind of passion; I'm feeling that inside, oftentimes, too. I have this fight-to-win personality\u2014and I have a real strong sense of right and wrong\u2014and so I can be wrong; but if I think I'm right, then we're in trouble. \r\n\r\nAnn: Yes.\r\n\r\nDave:Let me read how Shaunti defined this surprising secret in her book; because when you read it, you're like, \u201cWho can do this?\u201d She says: \u201cHighly-happy couples quickly stop a negative train of thought or action, replacing unhappy or angry thoughts or actions with positive ones, in order to change their feelings.\u201d A couple words in there jump out\u2014\u201cquickly\u201d\u2014you don't go down this train very long; as soon as you start feeling those unhappy [thoughts]\u2014the best couples in the world who really are satisfied in their marriage\u2014it's almost like 2 Corinthians 10:5: \u201cTake every thought captive\u2026\u201d It's like, \u201cI got to grab that thought before it lands, and I got to get it now; or it's going to take us to a bad place.\u201d \r\n\r\nIs that what you do, Christian and Maddie? I mean, does this work for you guys?\r\n\r\nMaddie: I think this is something we really struggled with just because of our own backgrounds. Maybe, this is why Bobby and Rebecca have been so impactful. Neither of us really saw that in our own homes: parents taking their thoughts captive. It really was just: whatever you feel, you say; and whatever emotion you have, you don't temper it\u2014you just kind of yell or\u2014\r\n\r\nAnn: So you both had that in your families?\r\n\r\nChristian: Yeah; I definitely grew up in a house where everything was just an explosion at times whenever we had an emotion or feeling. I never really grew up learning how to control that and also channel it in the right way. If something's bothering you, you yell. If something is annoying, you could hit it. My brother and I had fights all the time, just to resolve our issues; and argued with my mom. That's how I grew up, and that's all I knew. And every time she had issues as well, we'd all argue it out. It's nothing to do on her [mom] or her fault; that's probably how she grew up as well. \r\n\r\nYeah, it was definitely a hard changing of the gears, when we\u2019re getting married, and starting to learn how\u2014\r\n\r\nAnn: \u2014to control your tongue.\r\n\r\nChristian: Exactly.\r\n\r\nMaddie: Well, I remember saying: \u201cI'm never going to do this when I get married; I'm never going to raise my voice. My kids are never going to see us fight.\u201d It was like, \r\n\r\nDay 1\u2014\r\n\r\nAnn: It's crazy, isn't it? \r\n\r\nMaddie: Yeah; I didn't realize how much work it really does take. It's not an easy thing.\r\n\r\nDave:Have you been able to boss your feelings? Have you been able to\u2014\r\n\r\nAnn: Are you learning to\u2014\r\n\r\nDave: \u2014change that?\r\n\r\nMaddie: Yeah, it took us a while to figure out. I don't think we had the language for that yet. It really was just [that] we gave into every feeling we had. And then, as we got mentors\u2014and even here, working at FamilyLife\u2014learned that your feelings aren't fact. And the Lord does actually want you to be \u201cslow to anger and slow to speak\u201d and to control how you speak to your spouse, speaking life into them instead of speaking death. That's been something we still really are struggling with. We're still learning, but it's becoming easier.\r\n\r\nAnn: Let ask you all this\u2014maybe, Rebecca: maybe, you've done this\u2014I didn't want to go to the Lord with all that I was feeling in my thoughts about Dave, because I thought He'd temper it. You guys, I just wanted to let Him fly; I wanted to let Him loose and just go there to build my case. \r\n\r\nBut I found that, whenever I would go to the Lord, and start complaining about Dave, I couldn't do it! I felt like He was always sticking up for him, or He'd allow me to see something\u2014\r\n\r\nDave: Thank You, Jesus. \r\n\r\nAnn: \u2014great. I remember, one time, I'm just folding clothes\u2014and I'm going through all the things\u2014I have my list, like: \u201cLord, can You believe that he did this?\u201d and \u201cHe does this,\u201d and \u201cCan You believe the way he\u2026\u201d I had this feeling that came through my mind, and the thought was, \u201cWhat would it be like if you prayed for him as much as you complained about him?\u201d It was like this dagger in me, just like, \u201cYou're no fun, Jesus! It's no fun!\u201d \r\n\r\nHave you found that Rebecca, that when you go before God, it kind of puts a halt to some of that?\r\n\r\nRebecca: Yeah, and I don't think I've been very quick to do that. Shaunti had put in the description. There were times where because I would consider myself, and we joke about this in our marriage group, that I'm like a mushy-gushy kind of person. I have a very tender heart.\r\n\r\nAnn: You do; it\u2019s beautiful\r\n\r\n.\r\n\r\nRebecca: So whenever I got married to Bobby, I was thinking, \u201cOh, well it's just going to be a mushy-gushy kind of thing.\u201d \r\n\r\nAnn: Beautiful.\r\n\r\nRebecca: Yeah, puppies and rainbows; and it's just going to be awesome all the time. I knew that he was a man of God: \u201cIt's going to be this fantastic, marvelous thing, where we just feel mushy-gushy together all the time.\u201d And it wasn't that way. God made us two very different people; and there was a time, where I didn't feel like he and I could communicate very well. I didn't feel like I could share all of my mushy-gushiness, and it be received; we couldn't communicate on that level as well. \r\n\r\nAnd one thing\u2014whenever I went to the Lord, and I would just pour out all of those multitudes of feelings\u2014God had led me to start writing notes for him every morning and putting them in his lunch. I could kind of put Scripture to certain things; and then, also share my feelings; but it wasn't like all mush-gush all in his face. It was just like being able to put something on a slip of paper; and then, including it in his lunch to try to encourage him through the day.\r\n\r\nAnn: Give us an example of one of those notes.\r\n\r\nRebecca: Oh, goodness.\r\n\r\nAnn: Bobby, you might.\r\n\r\nDave: Bobby, do you remember one? \r\n\r\nBobby: I still have all of them. \r\n\r\nDave: All of them?\r\n\r\nBobby: This was early in our marriage. \r\n\r\nAnn: He is mushy-gushy!\r\n\r\nBobby: Yeah, I just have a hard time receiving it at first. It's like it feels overwhelming, with my personality; but it was so special, because she was super disciplined to have a little note in my lunch every single day. I'd go on a mission trip; and in advance, she would have a letter for every day of my mission trip to open each day. It always warmed my heart, at the right time; and it gave me God's Word and just little thoughts of sweetness that she felt towards me\u2014that maybe, she didn't feel as confident saying to me; because of how I might react or not reciprocate her feelings back towards her in that time\u2014and that was early in our marriage too. \r\n\r\nI think a lot has changed since then in how we view each other and we'll speak towards each other. She still gets really mushy now; and I still have those deer-in-the-headlight moments, when she starts bringing it on. \r\n\r\nAnn: Do you feel like, \u201cI don't know what to do with this\u201d?\r\n\r\nBobby: Yeah; sometimes, I don't know what to do; I kind of lock up in the moment. I lock up in the moment, and she expresses her way in words a lot.\r\n\r\nDave:Rebecca, do you feel like doing that was a little bit like what Jeff said? Did it sort of change your feelings, because you're writing down positives?\r\n\r\nRebecca: Yes, because I needed to be able to get out what I was feeling inside just because I felt like I have all these feelings bubbling up inside and I wanted to share them, but I couldn't share them in the way that was more natural for me. So whenever I went to the Lord, and I would talk to Him about it, it was like He gave me more of an avenue to share what was inside of me. It not feel like it was just so strong,\u2014\r\n\r\nAnn: \u2014overwhelming,\r\n\r\nRebecca: \u2014overwhelming; I was bubbling over into his space so much.\r\n\r\nAnn: What a sweet gift of God to give you that idea.\r\n\r\nDave:Here's the thought I had. I'm guessing\u2014you tell me if I'm even right; I could be completely wrong\u2014there's a listener whose thought goes this way: \u201cIf my husband\u201d or \u201cIf my wife would do that, then I would love them. I would feel drawn to them, like, \u2018Wow! Rebecca, that's amazing. Bobby\u2014of course, he loves her\u2014look at what she does.\u2019\u201d I think, often, when we hear those kind of stories, instead of going, \u201cI should do that\u201d; we go, \u201cWhy doesn't my spouse?\u201d\r\n\r\nAnn: \u2014or \u201cIf you knew who I was married to, you wouldn't be writing those notes.\u201d\r\n\r\nDave:And I want to say to you: \u201cIf you're thinking that, that's a natural thought; I get it.\u201d But I would say: \u201cDo it\u2014you do it\u2014flip it on its head; say, \u2018Okay, they may never do that; but you know what? I'm going to start doing that.\u2019\u201d\r\n\r\nAnn: Yeah: \u201cBoss my feelings.\u201d\r\n\r\n \r\n\r\nDave:I think it would change the way you feel about them. Just say, \u201cI'm going to initiate. Whether I get any reciprocation, I am going to initiate, and show love, and respect, and honor,\u201d\u2014whether it's a note, or whatever it is, a text\u2014man, what a beautiful thing to do.\r\n\r\nAnn: We do it with other people. I was with our grandkids. This one little grandson\u2014he's the best; but man, he was a handful that day\u2014and I was so bothered by it. But when he went to bed, I said all the good things about him to him: \u201cThis is who you are\u2026\u201d \u201cThis is who you're going to be\u2026\u201d; I went totally contrary to my emotions. We can do it with people\u2014we do it at work; we do it on our jobs\u2014we might be really bugged or bothered by our boss; but we, generally, don't say those things.\r\n\r\nDave:What would you say\u2014and we're sort of toward the end here, so one of you can respond\u2014but if [someone\u2019s] thinking, \u201cOkay, I don't feel it, and I'm sort of stuck; and you're telling me to boss and change my feelings,\u201d What would you say to somebody who is asking you: \u201cHow do I do that? I want to, but I can't; I'm just stuck.\u201d What comes to your mind? What should they do?\r\n\r\nChristian: I think it first starts with little things\u2014very little things\u2014and start with what you're given at the moment; just take a step forward. I was talking with Maddie about this\u2014and we're always moving\u2014so if we're moving towards oneness, we're going in a direction that's going to be closer together in the long-run\u2014whether that's saying: \u201cI love you,\u201d \u201cI hope you have a great day,\u201d \u201cYou're very important to me; I just want you to know that,\u201d\u2014that alone can just make it one step closer to oneness with each other. And that alone, I feel creates a very strong marriage and just building that stronger foundation for when the tough times do come.\r\n\r\nMaddie: If my thought process is: \u201cMarriage is based on my feelings,\u201d then you're in the wrong spot; because marriage is very much a choice, and that is in your vows: \u201cI'm going to be with you for better or for worse,\u201d\u2014not: \u201cI'm going to be with you when we're in the good times,\u201d\u2014\"I'm going to be with you when it's hard, and when I don't feel it, or when I think you don't deserve my love; I'm going to do it anyway, because that's what the Lord does for us. He died for us when we were still in sin, and He knows we're going to mess up again; but He didn't let that temper His action or Him going to that cross. And in the same way, that's why marriage is the picture of the Lord's love for us. This is how you know the Lord deeper, and you love Him deeper, and you can honor Him in dying to yourself and dying to your feelings. Yeah, laying down your life for your spouse.\u201d\r\n\r\nAnn: That's wisdom from a woman in her 20s.\r\n\r\nChristian: Amen.\r\n\r\nMaddie: Only I have the best people around to learn from.\r\n\r\nAnn: That\u2019s really good.\r\n\r\nDave:How about from a couple in their 25th year marriage, five kids in the home, and parents; so you've got a house-full. \r\n\r\nAnn: Yes, a house-full; nine people living in your home. \r\n\r\nBobby: There\u2019s nine of us. \r\n\r\nDave: Nine in there. Any thoughts?\r\n\r\nRebecca: I've learned that my feelings cannot dictate reality; because no matter what I'm thinking or feeling\u2014whether it's a mushy-gushy, bubbly-feeling, or whether it's really hard\u2014if I'm facing something hard, Bobby and I are not getting along. Something is going on that's hard in our home, with the kids or whatever, being able to realize my feelings are not reality. The Lord can, whenever we're leaning on Him and asking Him to empty us and fill us with His Spirit, then He can guide us through what is really reality: what's really going on in front of us. \r\n\r\nBobby: I realized that, in our relationship\u2014and not just in the big moments that define shifting points in our marriage\u2014our marriage was in a rough place for many years; and then, it shifted into a sweet place. But even in the day to day\u2014the simple little things like, \u201cIs the toilet seat staying up or down?\u201d\u2014and we have an argument about it in Year 25; and we're having an argument about it\u2014and it's, literally, the little death and resurrection that has to take place in those little things in our relationship. I start moving forward. \r\n\r\nAs Christian was saying earlier, it's like a car can turn a whole lot easier if it's moving\u2014moving forward and starting to act out\u2014the very thing that I don't necessarily want to deal with, in the middle of the night all the time, and make sure it's down for her. If she happens to come in the middle of the night, but I start practicing it and doing it against my initial feelings of it, then it becomes a habit; and then, it becomes like, \u201cI'm happy to.\u201d\r\n\r\nAnn: You guys modeling what mentoring looks like is essential. \r\n\r\nAs you're listening, I'm going to ask you: \u201cAre you mentoring someone? If you've been married a while, you might not have a perfect marriage; but man, you've learned a lot.\u201d And also: \u201cDo you have a mentor couple?\u201d If you're married less than ten years, five years, two years, it's essential that you have some other people who have been there; done that. \r\n\r\nAnd I'm going to add this, too: \u201cIf you need prayer for your marriage, reach out to us. We, at FamilyLife, will pray for you. We will pray for your marriage.\r\n\r\nDave:We have a prayer team, and they will pray for you by name.\r\n\r\nAnn: Just go to FamilyLife.com\/PrayForMe.\r\n\r\nDave:Well, this is FamilyLife Today. We're Dave and Ann Wilson, and you've been listening to a show, where we had a reaction to another show. We had these couples come in; and we just talked about: \u201cWhat do you think about this show?\u201d That show was called Married with Benefits; it's on our Married with Benefits podcast. You can listen to the full episode of that show anywhere you listen to your podcasts; and it's also on YouTube\u2014FamilyLife YouTube\u2014as well. The book we were talking about is a great book by our friend, Shaunti Feldhahn; it's called The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages: The Little Things that Make a Big Difference.\r\n\r\nAnn: I love her stuff, and we love them as a couple. I think you, as a listener, are going to love reading this and appreciate all the wisdom they bring into marriage.\r\n\r\nDave:Yeah; you can get your copy, right now, at FamilyLifeToday.com; it's in the show notes. Or you can give us a call at 800-358-6329. That's 800-F as in Family, L as in Life, and then the word, TODAY. And I hope you give us a call; this book is really life-changing. \r\n\r\nAnother life-changing opportunity for you is to go to a marriage getaway, and ours is called the Weekend to Remember\u00ae. They're all around the country; and right now, they're half off.\r\n\r\nAnn: And this is the last day to get this conference at half off the registration price.\r\n\r\nDave:Yeah, I don't know what you're going to do in the next couple minutes; but I'm telling you what to do. Alright, you listening?\u2014I'm telling you what to do\u2014\u201cToday's it; this is your last chance to get 50 percent off. You can't think, \u2018Oh, I'm going to do it tomorrow\u2019; it'll be gone tomorrow. Today's your day. Go to FamilyLifeToday.com; sign up for the Weekend to Remember.\u201d And by the way, you can pick any Weekend to Remember anywhere in the country. Maybe, it's a chance to get out of your city and go away on a little destination weekend, with your spouse, and let God change your marriage. Again, FamilyLifeToday.com; sign up for the Weekend to Remember.\r\n\r\nAnn: And we'll see you back next time for another edition of FamilyLife Today.\r\n\r\nFamilyLife Today is a donor-supported production of FamilyLife\u00ae, a Cru\u00ae Ministry. \r\n\r\nHelping you pursue the relationships that matter most.\r\n\r\nIf you\u2019ve benefited from the FamilyLife Today transcripts, would you consider donating today to help defray the costs of producing them and making them available online?  \r\n\r\nCopyright \u00a9 2025 FamilyLife. All rights reserved.\r\n\r\nwww.FamilyLife.com                                 \r\n\r\n\n","theme_header_position":"","post_header_is_sticky":"","is_header_overlay":""},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast\/311832","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/podcast"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/47000"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=311832"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/280865"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=311832"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=311832"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=311832"},{"taxonomy":"podcast_series","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast_series?post=311832"},{"taxonomy":"cwp_profile","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/cwp_profile?post=311832"},{"taxonomy":"series","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/series?post=311832"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}