{"id":310709,"date":"2024-11-26T03:18:19","date_gmt":"2024-11-26T08:18:19","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/%series%\/getting-my-kids-to-talk-to-me-becky-harling\/"},"modified":"2024-11-26T03:18:20","modified_gmt":"2024-11-26T08:18:20","slug":"getting-my-kids-to-talk-to-me-becky-harling","status":"publish","type":"podcast","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/getting-my-kids-to-talk-to-me-becky-harling\/","title":{"rendered":"Getting My Kids To Talk To Me: Becky Harling"},"content":{"rendered":"<p>Do you want your kids to open up more? Becky Harling shares what parents can do to help their children express themselves.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Do you want your kids to open up more? Becky Harling shares what parents can do to help their children express themselves.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":47000,"featured_media":280865,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"","_seopress_robots_index":"","inline_featured_image":false,"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","episode_type":"","audio_file":"https:\/\/traffic.omny.fm\/d\/clips\/cbd16f10-ac60-4f09-b4df-b15400ce35aa\/33aaac7e-3581-4e21-a3df-b154011ba58c\/e7017a71-973e-47c3-bec2-b22001626296\/audio.mp3","podmotor_file_id":"","podmotor_episode_id":"","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"00:28:07","filesize":"25.79M","filesize_raw":"","date_recorded":"","explicit":"","block":""},"categories":[2852,2095],"tags":[],"podcast_series":[10906],"cwp_profile":[9737],"series":[2101],"class_list":["post-310709","podcast","type-podcast","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-discipline","category-parenting","podcast_series-how-to-listen-so-your-kids-will-talk-becky-harling","cwp_profile-becky-harling","series-familylife-today"],"acf":[],"episode_featured_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/06\/image-scaled.jpg?w=1024","episode_player_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2023\/02\/image-scaled.jpg","download_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-download\/310709\/getting-my-kids-to-talk-to-me-becky-harling","player_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-player\/310709\/getting-my-kids-to-talk-to-me-becky-harling","audio_player":null,"episode_data":{"playerMode":"light","subscribeUrls":{"apple_podcasts":{"key":"apple_podcasts","url":"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303?mt=2&app=podcast","label":"Apple Podcasts","class":"apple_podcasts","icon":"apple-podcasts.png"},"google_podcasts":{"key":"google_podcasts","url":"","label":"Google Podcasts","class":"google_podcasts","icon":"google-podcasts.png"},"spotify":{"key":"spotify","url":"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm","label":"Spotify","class":"spotify","icon":"spotify.png"},"youtube":{"key":"youtube","url":"","label":"YouTube","class":"youtube","icon":"youtube.png"}},"rssFeedUrl":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/feed\/podcast\/familylife-today","embedCode":"<blockquote class=\"wp-embedded-content\" data-secret=\"tFeNzyGMUX\"><a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/getting-my-kids-to-talk-to-me-becky-harling\/\">Getting My Kids To Talk To Me: Becky Harling<\/a><\/blockquote><iframe sandbox=\"allow-scripts\" security=\"restricted\" src=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/getting-my-kids-to-talk-to-me-becky-harling\/embed\/#?secret=tFeNzyGMUX\" width=\"500\" height=\"350\" title=\"&#8220;Getting My Kids To Talk To Me: Becky Harling&#8221; &#8212; FamilyLife\u00ae - A Cru Ministry\" data-secret=\"tFeNzyGMUX\" frameborder=\"0\" marginwidth=\"0\" marginheight=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\" class=\"wp-embedded-content\"><\/iframe><script>\n\/*! This file is auto-generated *\/\n!function(d,l){\"use strict\";l.querySelector&&d.addEventListener&&\"undefined\"!=typeof URL&&(d.wp=d.wp||{},d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage||(d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage=function(e){var t=e.data;if((t||t.secret||t.message||t.value)&&!\/[^a-zA-Z0-9]\/.test(t.secret)){for(var s,r,n,a=l.querySelectorAll('iframe[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),o=l.querySelectorAll('blockquote[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),c=new RegExp(\"^https?:$\",\"i\"),i=0;i<o.length;i++)o[i].style.display=\"none\";for(i=0;i<a.length;i++)s=a[i],e.source===s.contentWindow&&(s.removeAttribute(\"style\"),\"height\"===t.message?(1e3<(r=parseInt(t.value,10))?r=1e3:~~r<200&&(r=200),s.height=r):\"link\"===t.message&&(r=new URL(s.getAttribute(\"src\")),n=new URL(t.value),c.test(n.protocol))&&n.host===r.host&&l.activeElement===s&&(d.top.location.href=t.value))}},d.addEventListener(\"message\",d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage,!1),l.addEventListener(\"DOMContentLoaded\",function(){for(var e,t,s=l.querySelectorAll(\"iframe.wp-embedded-content\"),r=0;r<s.length;r++)(t=(e=s[r]).getAttribute(\"data-secret\"))||(t=Math.random().toString(36).substring(2,12),e.src+=\"#?secret=\"+t,e.setAttribute(\"data-secret\",t)),e.contentWindow.postMessage({message:\"ready\",secret:t},\"*\")},!1)))}(window,document);\n\/\/# sourceURL=https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-includes\/js\/wp-embed.min.js\n<\/script>\n"},"uagb_featured_image_src":{"full":["https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/06\/image-scaled.jpg",1024,1024,true]},"uagb_author_info":{"display_name":"Margaret","author_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/author\/margaret-coylefamilylife-com\/"},"uagb_comment_info":0,"uagb_excerpt":"Do you want your kids to open up more? Becky Harling shares what parents can do to help their children express themselves.","meta_box":{"show_notes":"\n<ul>\n<li>Black Friday; Don't miss out on FamilyLife's amazing sale: Don't miss out on FamilyLife's amazing sale: Weekend to Remember gift cards are half off and devotionals are discounted from Nov. 18 to Dec. 2 at <a href=\"http:\/\/shop.familylife.com\/\">shop.familylife.com<\/a>!<\/li>\n<li>FamilyLife has a free devotional for you from Amber Neese: \"Finding Common Ground.\" Sign up at <a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/content-offers\/finding-common-ground\/\">familylife.com\/findingcommonground<\/a>!<br \/>\n<hr>\n<\/li>\n<li>Find resources from this podcast at <a href=\"https:\/\/shop.familylife.com\/product-category\/radio-resources\/\">shop.familylife.com<\/a>.<\/li>\n<li><a href=\"https:\/\/shop.familylife.com\/product-category\/past-radio-resources\/\">See resources from our past podcasts.<\/a><\/li>\n<li>Find more content and resources on the <a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/flministries\/app\/\">FamilyLife's app<\/a>!<\/li>\n<li>Help others find FamilyLife. Leave a review on <a href=\"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303\">Apple Podcast<\/a> or <a href=\"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm?si=d6dfa8d2415f4750\">Spotify<\/a>.<\/li>\n<li>Check out all the FamilyLife's podcasts on the <a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/flministries\/familylife-podcast-network\/\">FamilyLife Podcast Network<\/a><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<ul><\/ul>\n\n","transcript_url":"https:\/\/transcript.familylife.com\/fl2024-11-26.pdf","transcript_content":"\nFamilyLife Today\u00ae National Radio Version (time edited) Transcript\r\n\r\nReferences to conferences, resources, or other special promotions may be obsolete.\r\n\r\nGetting My Kids to Talk to Me\r\n\r\nGuest:Becky Harling\r\n\r\nFrom the series:How to Listen So Your Kids Will Talk (Day 2 of 2)\r\n\r\nAir date:November 26, 2024\r\n\r\nAnn: As our kids have gotten older, it hasn\u2019t been easy at times; because they\u2019ve been letting us know some of the things we didn\u2019t do quite so right.\r\n\r\nDave: It\u2019s a wonderful thing when your child comes to you, as an adult, and says, \u201cDad, I need to tell you something you did that\u2026\u201d\r\n\r\nAnn: I\u2019m really grateful that they\u2019re coming, but it\u2019s\u2014\r\n\r\nDave: I\u2019m not! [Laughter] I\u2019d rather just not know.\r\n\r\nAnn: This is the difference in our personalities.\r\n\r\nDave: It\u2019s in the past; just let it go.\r\n\r\nShelby: Welcome to FamilyLife Today, where we want to help you pursue the relationships that matter most. I'm Shelby Abbott, and your hosts are Dave and Ann Wilson. You can find us at FamilyLifeToday.com. \r\n\r\nAnn: This is FamilyLife Today!\r\n\r\nAnn: One of our sons came to me\u2014this was recently\u2014and he said, \u201cMom, I wish that you would have cared more about my heart than my behavior.\u201d I was a little bit defensive, like, \u201cWhat do you mean? I cared about your heart.\u201d He said, \u201cBut when I would share my struggles of what I was going through\u2014maybe I did something that was wrong\u2014you instantly centered on what I had done rather than why I had done it.\u201d\r\n\r\nI thought about that; and I really prayed about that, like, \u201cLord, is that true?\u201d I felt like, \u201cYes, I did that.\u201d I cared more about\/I would listen to what he was saying\u2014and then I would have some objective reason why he shouldn\u2019t have done that or maybe a biblical response of why God says he shouldn\u2019t do it\u2014instead of saying: \u201cTell me more. Why do you think that\u2019s going on?\u201d or \u201cWhy do you think you\u2019re experiencing that? What\u2019s the pull?\u2014what\u2019s behind the action?\u201d\r\n\r\nI wish I would have learned that in my earlier, younger years; because I wish I could have changed that.\r\n\r\nDave: You know, one of the things we need to learn, as parents, is: \u201cHow do we get our child\u2019s heart?\u2014not just their behavior\u2014but their heart.\u201d\r\n\r\nWe have somebody who\u2019s going to help us do that today. Becky Harling is a mom, a wife, four kids, and an author. Welcome to FamilyLife Today, Becky. Glad to have you here.\r\n\r\nBecky: Hey, it is amazing to be with you guys! I\u2019m having so much fun here with you, so thank you for inviting me.\r\n\r\nAnn: We\u2019re happy to have you back. You\u2019ve written a book called How to Listen So Your Kids Will Talk, which\u2014you sit in that title a little bit\u2014like: \u201cHmm, how to listen. It takes listening for my kids to talk. A lot of times, we think, \u2018I want my kids to talk more as teenagers.\u2019 Maybe it comes down to listening.\u201d \r\n\r\nYou really have some experience. You\u2019ve written some books\u2014but you also wrote another book about listening\u2014so this is a passion of yours; isn\u2019t it?\r\n\r\nBecky: Yes, because it\u2019s where God had to work in my heart! [Laughter] Oftentimes, you write books or you speak messages to the deepest need in your own heart. It\u2019s not that I\u2019m an expert listener; it\u2019s that God had to change me, and I had to learn how to listen.\r\n\r\nDave: Let\u2019s talk about that, because you mentioned earlier this week how you grew up in sort of an abusive home. Talk about that a little bit: \u201cIs that where you felt the need? Were you not heard? Did you have to learn? What was that like?\u201d\r\n\r\nBecky: I have a rather hard story. I grew up in a pastor home\u2014my father was a pastor\u2014he was also a president of a Bible college. He was also very abusive, very authoritative, and really sexually abused me while I was growing up. In addition to harsh behavior at home, a lot of hitting.\r\n\r\nAnn: Okay; wait, wait, wait\u2014just that alone\u2014but he\u2019s also your pastor.\r\n\r\nBecky: Yes.\r\n\r\nAnn: That\u2019s hard to get your head around that, as an authoritative person from God.\r\n\r\nBecky: Yes.\r\n\r\nAnn: That\u2019s not easy.\r\n\r\nBecky: No, it wasn\u2019t easy. You know, my mother had a lot of emotional issues. There were times, where I would try to bring up that I was being hurt; but I was silenced. It was like, \u201cDon\u2019t ever say that about your father again.\u201d I grew up with all these mixed messages. Unfortunately, when you grow up in a home like that\u2014where your voice has been silenced, silenced, silenced, silenced\u2014you definitely wrestle with things like anxiety and depression. But you can also come out like: \u201cI\u2019m going to raise my voice, and it\u2019s going to be heard!\u201d\r\n\r\nSexual abuse is such a big topic. To any of your listeners out there, if that\u2019s your story, I\u2019d really encourage you, number one, to find a good, godly therapist and work it through. Don\u2019t just shove it under the carpet; I did that. And then I would encourage you to find a godly mentor, who will pray over you while you\u2019re going through therapy; because that can be life-changing for you.\r\n\r\nBut as a parent, if you don\u2019t deal with all the emotional baggage from your own childhood, it\u2019s going to come out in unhealthy ways with your own kids. For me, it meant I talked too much because\u2014\r\n\r\nAnn: \u2014because you never had a voice before.\r\n\r\nBecky: No; I really wanted to raise godly kids. Somehow, in my thinking as a mother, it was all about: \u201cI just have to teach them this verse,\u201d or \u201cI have to tell them this\u2026\u201d and \u201cThis is what God wants for them...\u201d I was very hard on myself as a mother, I think, because I grew up in such a messed-up home, I really wanted to do it well. But sometimes, even that meant I was talking too much.\r\n\r\nI remember a day, where I was struggling with one of my teens. I remember the Lord speaking to me in a grocery store; He brought me back to that verse in Exodus, where it says, \u201cI will fight for you while you remain silent.\u201d Sometimes, as parents, we just have to get on our knees. Sometimes, we have to cry things out on our knees. There was a season where one of our kids\/I really felt like she was walking away from the Lord. I took an entire month and prayed through the book of Ephesians for her. Every morning, I prayed through that entire book, putting her name in. God brought her back, miraculously, which I\u2019m very thankful for. \r\n\r\nBut when you grow up in a home, where you don\u2019t have a voice, you\u2019ve got to deal with that; or you\u2019re going to talk too much in your own home.\r\n\r\nDave: When did you figure that out? I mean, when you were a young mom, were you\u2014looking back now\u2014were you talking too much, and there was a day or a time, where you were like, \u201cOh, my goodness. I need to just be quiet and listen\u201d?\r\n\r\nBecky: You know, it was a gradual journey for me, really. It began one morning on my knees before the Lord, when I had had a really rough morning with one of the kids. I thought, \u201cI don\u2019t know what I\u2019m doing. I totally don\u2019t know what I\u2019m doing.\u201d The Lord really spoke to me that morning, and said, \u201cI want to teach you how to listen.\u201d But it continued along the way.\r\n\r\nI kind of had this relationship with the Lord, where I talked with Him all day long. I wasn\u2019t like, \u201cOkay, I\u2019m just going to do a few minutes with the Lord in the morning and say a goodnight prayer,\u201d\u2014I needed God all day long\u2014because seriously, I didn\u2019t know what I was doing. I\u2019d be helping with homework, but underneath, I\u2019d be having this conversation with the Lord: \u201cLord, I need You to you help me to listen right now.\u201d\r\n\r\nAnn: Paul said, \u201cPray without ceasing.\u201d I think, as a young mom, I did the same thing; because I didn\u2019t have these long periods of time by myself. I learned to just\u2014\r\n\r\nDave: You had no time by yourself!\r\n\r\nBecky: Yes! That\u2019s where you go to the bathroom\u2014right?\u2014\r\n\r\nAnn: Exactly!\r\n\r\nBecky: \u2014lock the door.\r\n\r\nDave: And they come in with you. [Laughter]\r\n\r\nAnn: I think that\u2019s one of the sweet parts of God training us; He always uses every stage of our lives. That was the stage I learned to talk to God all day about everything.\r\n\r\nBecky: Yes, yes! \r\n\r\nTo go back to your question about: \u201cWhen did I learn this?\u201d\u2014I think what I want to stress here is it wasn\u2019t a one-time learning: \r\n\r\nIt was when I was sobbing on my knees before the Lord, because my little negotiator had negotiated all week; and I didn\u2019t feel like I handled it well. \r\n\r\nIt was going before the Lord when our son\/I realized that he had cheated on a test, and really didn\u2019t need to cheat on any test, because he was really smart. \r\n\r\nIt was dealing with a teenager, who was telling me I wasn\u2019t listening to her.\r\n\r\nEven now, with our adult kids\u2014you mentioned at the beginning of the show how your kids came to you\u2014Steve and I sat down last year with our kids, and said, \u201cOkay, you\u2019re all here; let\u2019s talk about it. What did we do right, but what do you wish we had done different?\u201d We want them to feel heard as adults; right?\r\n\r\nAnn: Yes, yes.\r\n\r\nBecky: Our kids are very verbal, so they are very honest with us, you know, that: \u201cThese are some of the things you did wrong\u2026\u201d; you know?\r\n\r\nDave: What did they say? What did you hear?\r\n\r\nBecky: Well, one of the things that we did wrong is they said: \u201cYou know, Mom, you got too defensive about things when we would confront you.\u201d I know that about myself. When somebody confronts you, it\u2019s easy to just kind of pull in and get defensive, and try to defend yourself. And talking too much, for me. For Steve it was, \u201cDad, you were so wrapped up in ministry that you didn\u2019t always show us what it looks like to be friends with unbelievers and have them in our home. We wish you had done that differently.\u201d\r\n\r\nI mention this in the book: we wanted to raise emotionally- and spiritually-healthy kids, who could deal with their emotions; but neither Steve nor I grew up knowing how to deal with emotions in a healthy way.\r\n\r\nAnn: This is Dave and I, exactly! [Laughter]\r\n\r\nBecky: Yes.\r\n\r\nAnn: Part of it is our baggage that we carried in, because emotions and feelings were never important.\r\n\r\nBecky: Yes!\r\n\r\nAnn: So they were never acknowledged. If anything, you get beyond that, like, \u201cHey, let\u2019s not sit there!\u201d I did that as a mom, too.\r\n\r\nI\u2019m watching my kids now, as adults, with their kids: if their son or their daughter is upset and crying\u2014I felt uncomfortable when my kids did that; so I would say, \u201cIt\u2019s okay.\u201d I would try to change the subject; I\u2019m like, \u201cYou\u2019re going to be fine!\u201d or I would be very analytical of why it will be fine instead of letting them feel\u2014I didn\u2019t like them to be sad, so I\u2019m always rushing them out of that.\r\n\r\nBecky: I know; yes.\r\n\r\nAnn: In your book, you talk about: \u201cHelp them find their feelings.\u201d\r\n\r\nBecky: Yes; I had to grow [in] this as a mother too. One of the ways you do this is giving them permission. I grew up with messages all the time: \u201cStop crying,\u201d \u201cWhy are you crying?\u201d; you know?\r\n\r\nAnn: Me, too.\r\n\r\nBecky: I was like, \u201cOkay, I don\u2019t want to give that to my kids\u201d; so when they would cry, I would cry, too. Then Steve would say, \u201cDon\u2019t you cry, too; you\u2019re going to make it worse!\u201d But actually, I think that was my way of offering empathy.\r\n\r\nAnn: I like that.\r\n\r\nBecky: I think the emotion where Steve and I struggled a lot was anger. There are so many messed-up messages about anger. In my home, I wasn\u2019t allowed to express any anger\u2014it was wrong\/flat-out wrong\u2014unless you were a parent.\r\n\r\nAnn: Ungodly, probably.\r\n\r\nBecky: Right; yes. In Steve\u2019s home\u2014he was raised on the mission field\u2014he went to boarding school and had another whole layer there. But he was taught, too, like: \u201cWell, we don\u2019t want to be angry,\u201d \u201cWe don\u2019t want to be angry.\u201d So we have these kids, and they get angry sometimes. It\u2019s like, \u201cOkay, do you correct them for being angry?\u201d Then you find yourself, as a mom or a dad, getting angry. \r\n\r\nWhat I learned about anger\u2014again, this was gradual, along the way\u2014is anger is usually a secondary emotion; there\u2019s usually something else going on. What I like to tell parents is: \u201cWhen your kid is throwing a fit on the floor\u2014toddlers\u2014\u2018Are they hungry?\u2019 \u2018Are they tired?\u2019 \u2018Are they feeling left out?\u2019 \u2018What\u2019s driving that anger?\u2019 But then, give them language to express their emotions.\u201d Because the bottom line is: \u201cJesus experienced and emoted: He expressed anger; He wept at Lazarus\u2019 tomb; He flipped tables in the temple.\u201d We might have sent Him to anger management classes, right? We\u2019ve got to give our kids the tools to handle their emotions; and we have to learn how to handle our own emotions, like, \u201cWhat\u2019s driving this feeling in me?\u201d\r\n\r\nDave: Hey, before we keep going, let me ask you: \u201cIs this hitting home with you?\u201d I'll tell you: man, we get it.\r\n\r\nAnn: Yeah, because raising kids can be hard; and sometimes, we have more questions than answers. So we pulled together some of our most helpful parenting pieces into one spot.\r\n\r\nDave:Yes, you can get your free copy right now. Let me tell you how: go to FamilyLife.com\/ParentingHelp. Again: go to FamilyLlife.com\/ParentingHelp. You can get some of the best stuff we have on parenting; and I can promise you: \u201cIt's going to help.\u201d\r\n\r\nBecky: Our little grandson, Noah, when he was three, his sister scribbled all over his art project. Noah was so frustrated, so he flipped the chair over. He told Kindley\u2014he pushed her away\u2014and his mom went off to deal with Kindley. And I was talking to Noah; and I was like, \u201cNoah, are you frustrated? Frustrated means that you're really upset that somebody wrecked your project.\u201d And he says, \u201cYeah, Mimi; I am.\u201d And I said, \u201cCan you say, \u2018frustrated\u2019?\u201d And he said it, and I wasn't sure he got it. \r\n\r\nLater in the day, he had a friend over; and the little sisters wrecked their car track that they were building. Both little boys\u2014three and a half at the time\u2014came running out into the family rooms; and they were dancing, all over the floor, saying, \u201cI'm frustrated!\u201d \u201cI'm frustrated!\u201d \r\n\r\nAnn: So you're teaching them how to feel, and you're giving them words to express it.\r\n\r\nBecky: Yes; right! \r\n\r\nAnn: That's really good. \r\n\r\nBecky: Exactly. We have to because your kids are going to grow up\u2014and they are going to feel anger; they are going to feel hurt; they are going to feel sad; they are going to feel lonely\u2014and they need those words. \r\n\r\nAnn: That's really good.\r\n\r\nDave:I feel like Ann did that really well. You taught our boys how to feel. I mean, I know you're sitting there, thinking you didn't; but I remember walking into the kitchen many times, and thinking, \u201cI wouldn't be doing what you're doing right now.\u201d When they were frustrated or angry, you'd just stop and go, \u201cOkay, let's talk. What is it?\u201d\r\n\r\nAnn: Well, I would say, \u201cWhat are you feeling?\u201d\r\n\r\nDave: Yes.\r\n\r\nBecky: And that's a good question. And a lot of times, kids can't tell you what they're feeling. But as they get used to that word, and they grow up, then they can tell you what they're feeling.\r\n\r\nAnn: We actually talked about that before they would go to bed. We had a time where we would talk about: \u201cTell us the best thing that happened today,\u201d\u2014\r\n\r\nBecky: Yeah, we did that, too. We would do it at the dinner time.\r\n\r\nAnn: \u2014\u201cWhat\u2019s the hardest thing that happened today?\u201d And then, I said, \u201cWhen you tell me the best thing, I want you to put a feeling with it,\u201d\u2014\r\n\r\nBecky: Oh, that\u2019s good; I love that.\r\n\r\nAnn: \u2014\u201cAnd it can\u2019t be \u2018Fine.\u2019 And if it is anger,\u201d\u2014and we would teach that anger is a second emotion\u2014\u201cwhat was behind the anger?\u201d Especially for boys, being able to communicate\u2014and girls\u2014this is what I feel like: to take that, and put a word with it, is important. \r\n\r\nAnd just to take the time. And I know, when you're putting your kids to bed at night, you're thinking, \u201cI just want them to go to sleep. I want to have a few minutes to myself\u201d; but to take that time. At the dinner table\u2014I think that's a great time\u2014bedtime's great, because they don't always want to go to sleep; and they're willing to talk then. I wish I would've done that more. But I think it's really good because those are tools they'll take into their marriage and into their adulthood with friends.\r\n\r\nBecky: Yeah, absolutely. And with the things that we wish we had done better, I think we all have those feelings. There are so many times, where I\u2019ll be like, \u201cOh, I wish I had done this different or better...\u201d Apologizing to our adult kids has been hugely pivotal for us\u2014apologizing for: \u201cLook, I\u2019m sorry, I didn\u2019t handle that well,\u201d\u2014and apologizing to your kids as you\u2019re raising them in the home.\r\n\r\nAnn: Yes.\r\n\r\nBecky: I remember there was a night where our teenaged daughter was really struggling. She was walking through an eating disorder at the time. I got down on my knees, next to her bed, and I said, \u201cI\u2019m sorry; I feel like I modeled this for you\u201d; because I was always on the next diet. I was always talking about fat labels, and calories, and whatnot. \r\n\r\nBut the power of an apology\u2014the night that we gathered our adult kids around and said: \u201cWhat did we do wrong?\u201d \u201cWhat did we do right?\u201d\u2014 the thing that they said we did right was\u2014\u201cYou apologized a lot when you were wrong.\u201d That apparently stuck with them. The power of an apology is huge.\r\n\r\nI want to talk for just a second to the listener out there, who maybe doesn\u2019t have a great relationship right now with their teen, or their young adult, or their adult [child]. I want you to know that an apology goes a long way, so you take the first step\u2014be on your knees in prayer first\u2014but then, go to that child, or that adult, and say, \u201cHey, I want to apologize for\u201d\u2014and be very, very specific\u2014\u201c\u2019 X,\u2019 \u2018Y,\u2019 or \u2018Z.\u2019\u201d And then say, \u201cWill you forgive me?\u201d That's the pivotal question that often opens the bridge to that child's heart.\r\n\r\nDave:And at the same time, they may not be able to, initially\u2014it might take a while\u2014it may take years. You can't expect it, if it's a deeper wound, \u201cWill you forgive me? It doesn't mean you have to right now,\u2014\r\n\r\nBecky: Right, exactly.\r\n\r\nDave:\u2014\u201cbut are you willing to go on that journey?\u201d\r\n\r\nAnn: I don\u2019t think it ever ends either. One of our sons was saying, \u201cMom, when I\u2019m talking about what I\u2019m feeling, I don\u2019t want you just to say, \u2018Well\u2026\u2019\u2014and have an answer to it\u2014\u2018Well, this is happening...\u2019\u201d If he was expressing such sorrow, I would say, \u201cWell, there are good things that are happening, too\u2026\u201d\r\n\r\nBecky: Yes! You want to try to fix it; right? As a mom, I get it!\r\n\r\nAnn: \u2014totally fixing him.\r\n\r\nBecky: I do, too.\r\n\r\nAnn: As I read your book, I thought, \u201cOh, I\u2019m getting it now. I just need to sit in it. I need to sit in it with him, and say, \u2018I\u2019m sorry that you\u2019re feeling like that.\u2019\u201d Sometimes, he\u2019ll say, \u201cMom, you\u2019ve apologized so many times; you just need to start listening!\r\n\r\nBecky: I get that, too. [Laughter]\r\n\r\nAnn: \u201cJust listen to me.\u201d I feel like we\u2019re always learning, and God is taking layers off and continuing to instruct us.\r\n\r\nI feel like I was good at asking good questions. One of the things you talked about in the book is you\u2019re saying: \u201cAsk great questions, but don\u2019t interrogate.\u201d\r\n\r\nBecky: Yes; you have to make questions fun, because we\u2019ve all been there; right? Your kid comes home from school, and what\u2019s the first question out of your mouth?\u2014\u201cDo you have homework tonight?\u201d\u2014they don\u2019t want to answer that question; you know! So we have to make question-asking fun, and it needs to be part of the life of the family.\r\n\r\nMaybe at the dinner table you\u2019re saying to your six-year-old son\u2014\u201cWhen did you feel like a superhero today?\u201d or \u201cWhen were you kind to somebody in your class today?\u201d or \u201cWhat do you love most about your friends?\u201d \u201cWhat do you think makes a good friend?\u201d\u2014really learning to ask them questions.\r\n\r\nI think that this is so important for two reasons: \r\n\r\nnumber one, it gives you a window into your child\u2019s heart. One of the games that we like to play is \u201cWould You Rather?\u201d: \u201cWould you rather climb a tree or go on a hike?\u201d \u201cWould you rather ride an ATV or go swimming?\u201d\r\n\r\nDave: \u201cYes, yes; hike; ATV.\u201d\r\n\r\nBecky: Yes, yes! You sound like my husband! [Laughter]\r\n\r\nBut \u201cWould You Rather?\u201d helps you understand your child\u2019s heart more. \r\n\r\nI remember we were playing this with some of our grandkids. We were like, \u201cWould you rather be smart or pretty?\u201d Our little granddaughter jumped up and said, \u201cPretty!\u201d Our daughter said, \u201cWell, there you have it.\u201d [Laughter] But it gives you a window into their heart and their soul, so question-asking is really an important part of family life.\r\n\r\nAnn: I\u2019m thinking about, when one of our sons was in high school, and sometimes I would ask questions to interrogate what was happening.\r\n\r\nBecky: Yes. [Laughter]\r\n\r\nAnn: It was out of my own\u2014\r\n\r\nDave: \u2014like a spy.\r\n\r\nAnn: Yes!\u2014like a spy, out of my own fear. \r\n\r\nHe was talking at the dinner table, and he said, \u201cI did this thing with this one guy\u2026\u201d Here\u2019s what I say: \u201cOh, isn\u2019t he that bad kid, who\u2019s always in trouble, that smokes pot?\u201d That\u2019s what I say! [Laughter] Why do I say that?\u2014because I\u2019m fearful\u2014\u201cOh, no; are you becoming friends with that kid?\u201d \u201cNow, I want you [son] to know how I\u2019m judging him,\u201d and \u201cHe\u2019s a bad kid,\u201d and \u201cStay far away.\u201d \r\n\r\nAnd it was so funny; I think CJ was maybe 16 at the time.\r\n\r\nDave:This was our oldest\u2014 first born\u2014and he\u2014I'll never forget this. \r\n\r\nAnn:He says, \u201cSo Mom, he smokes pot once in a while. Does that make him a bad kid? Is he bad, because he smokes pot?\u201d And I was just like, \u201cI'm so busted right now!\u201d; because he caught what I was doing. I was interrogating; I was judging; and it was all out of my own fear.\r\n\r\nBecky: Yes.\r\n\r\nAnn: I think the words we speak\u2014as we listen to our kids, and they\u2019re sharing\u2014I was manipulating the whole thing; do you know what I mean?\r\n\r\nBecky: I do! When we ask questions, we can\u2019t ask with an ulterior motive, like, \u201cI\u2019m really trying to figure out what in the world you were doing at that party last night.\u201d\r\n\r\nOur kids would say: \u201cMom, do you really want to know the answer, or are you trying to fish for some other thing here? Let\u2019s get that out in the open.\u201d Aren\u2019t we lucky that we have kids that will confront us?\r\n\r\nAnn: Yes! What about kids that don\u2019t, that hold it inside?\r\n\r\nBecky: Okay, this is a big topic; because there are some kids that you really have difficulty getting them to talk. There\u2019s actually something called selective mutism\u2014where kids are very, very shy\u2014and where they won\u2019t talk very much. There are some ideas in the book for that. One of them is: \u201cGive your child enough time to respond.\u201d If you\u2019re an extrovert like me, you want to dive in and help them with the answer. Your child gets in the back seat of the car after school, and you\u2019re saying, \u201cHow was your day?\u201d Count to ten or fifteen and give them the space to answer that; don\u2019t dive in and say, \u201cOh, well\u2026\u201d [Laughter]\r\n\r\nAnn: That\u2019s what I would do.\r\n\r\nBecky: Yes; me, too; so we have to learn to give these kids the time to respond. They don\u2019t do well with gunfire questions: \u201cOkay, what happened in gym?\u201d \u201cOh, what happened in math?\u201d It\u2019s like, \u201cWait, you\u2019re confusing me; you\u2019re giving me too many questions at one time.\u201d So slow it down.\r\n\r\nOne of the things\u2014this is going to seem unrelated to listening, but it\u2019s so not\u2014in my life, that the Holy Spirit really had to do and change in me, was I realized that I lived my life with a continual sense of inner hurry. I was always in a hurry.\r\n\r\nAnn: I\u2019m still like that.\r\n\r\nBecky: Me, too; God is still working on me. I remember this profound moment, where I was reading my Bible one morning. I realized Jesus never turned to the disciples and said, \u201cWould you guys hurry up and get your sandals on? We\u2019re running late!\u201d I mean, really, that was profound to me!\r\n\r\nI thought, I\u2019m always telling these kids\u2014\u201cHurry up and get in the van,\u201d \u201cHurry up; we\u2019re running late for church,\u201d \u201cHurry up; we have to go to school,\u201d or \u201c\u2026clubs,\u201d\u2014or whatever. That sense of hurry does not encourage conversation; so I had to\u2014and I have to\u2014slow that down in my soul.\r\n\r\nAnn: I remember reading a book, years ago, by Jean Lush. She was talking about her nine-year-old daughter. She could tell her daughter was feeling some real angst, so she was just trying to probe it out. She thought: \u201cI have things to do. Come on; tell me what\u2019s going on. What\u2019s happening?\u201d She\u2019s interrogating, and her nine-year-old was quiet. Then, after a while, she said, \u201cMom, I need you to lie down in your soul\u2014\r\n\r\nBecky: Oh, I love that!\r\n\r\nAnn: \u2014\"before I can talk to you.\u201d Jean, in the book, says, \u201cI realized I\u2019m always in a rush. I\u2019m always onto the next thing. That daughter felt it, and I needed to just rest and sit with her before she would open up her soul to me.\u201d Isn\u2019t that good?\r\n\r\nBecky: That\u2019s so good! You know, even in this season of life, there are several times a day, where I feel that similar inner angst, like, \u201cOh, I\u2019m in a hurry; I\u2019m in a hurry.\u201d I literally will pause, and say, \u201cOkay, why am I feeling rushed right now?\u201d Then, I invite Jesus into that moment and say, \u201cLord Jesus, calm my soul. Calm the inner angst I feel right now. Help me to slow down and to be able to listen and be present in this moment.\u201d\r\n\r\nAnn: That\u2019s good.\r\n\r\nDave: I would say, for me\u2014I don\u2019t know if I represent most men\u2014but I think it\u2019s easier to be in a hurry.\r\n\r\nBecky: Yes.\r\n\r\nDave: It\u2019s easier to be rushed than to be intimate with my son.\r\n\r\nBecky: Yes.\r\n\r\nDave: I want to listen; I want to hear his heart\u2014but I really don\u2019t\u2014because if I do, it\u2019s going to be intimate; and it\u2019s scary. I\u2019m just being honest: it\u2019s like I\u2019ll run to the next task; I\u2019ll go to my office, and I\u2019ll pick up my phone; and do whatever\u2014listening so your child will talk?\u2014part of me is like: \u201cNo; I\u2019d rather not, because I don\u2019t know where that\u2019s going to go.\u201d \r\n\r\nYet, I would also say to the parent listening, \u201cThis is the most important thing you\u2019ll do today: is listen in such a way that your child will open up.\u201d It may be intimate, and it may be scary, and it may not go the way you want; but it is the best thing you\u2019ll do today. All those other things, as important as they are, they\u2019re probably not as important as being the dad or mom that your son or daughter is really longing for you to be. It has a lot to do with saying, \u201cThis son\/this daughter matters so much that I\u2019m going to listen.\u201d\r\n\r\nBecky: Yes.\r\n\r\nDave: And they\u2019re probably going to talk.\r\n\r\nShelby: Listening to our kids is really giving them a gift\u2014it's generosity toward our children in ways that, not only blesses them, but blesses us, too\u2014connections happen; deeper bonds are made; and relationships flourish, all when we close our mouths and attentively open our ears. I love, love, love this; and I can't wait to implement it more with my kids. \r\n\r\nI'm Shelby Abbott; and you've been listening to Dave and Ann Wilson, with Becky Harling, on FamilyLife Today. Becky has written a book called How to Listen So Your Kids Will Talk: Deepen Your Connection and Strengthen Their Confidence. You can get your copy, right now, by going online to FamilyLifeToday.com or clicking on the link in the show notes. Or feel free to give us a call at 800-358-6329. Again, the number is 800-F as in family, L as in life, and then the word, TODAY.\r\n\r\nDo you follow us on social media? Well, head over to Instagram and look us up at FamilyLife Insta. Or find us on Facebook; just search for FamilyLife for more regular encouragement about marriage and parenting. \r\n\r\nNow, coming up tomorrow: \u201cAre you finding yourself in a recurring conflict with your spouse?\u201d Well, Debra Fileta is going to be here to offer valuable insight into the underlying issues that keep resurfacing in your marriage. That's tomorrow; we hope you'll join us. On behalf of Dave and Ann Wilson, I'm Shelby Abbott. We'll see you back next time for another edition of FamilyLife Today.\r\n\r\nFamilyLife Today is a donor-supported production of FamilyLife\u00ae, a Cru\u00ae Ministry. \r\n\r\nHelping you pursue the relationships that matter most.\r\n\r\nWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider donating today to help defray the costs?  \r\n\r\nCopyright \u00a9 2024 FamilyLife. 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