{"id":310631,"date":"2024-11-25T03:17:27","date_gmt":"2024-11-25T08:17:27","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/%series%\/i-want-my-kids-to-talk-to-me-becky-harling\/"},"modified":"2024-11-25T03:17:28","modified_gmt":"2024-11-25T08:17:28","slug":"i-want-my-kids-to-talk-to-me-becky-harling","status":"publish","type":"podcast","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/i-want-my-kids-to-talk-to-me-becky-harling\/","title":{"rendered":"I Want My Kids To Talk To Me: Becky Harling"},"content":{"rendered":"<p>Do you struggle with getting your kids to talk to you? Becky Harling explains how to give them a voice.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Do you struggle with getting your kids to talk to you?  Becky Harling explains how to give them a voice.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":47000,"featured_media":280865,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"","_seopress_robots_index":"","inline_featured_image":false,"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","episode_type":"","audio_file":"https:\/\/traffic.omny.fm\/d\/clips\/cbd16f10-ac60-4f09-b4df-b15400ce35aa\/33aaac7e-3581-4e21-a3df-b154011ba58c\/5ceeed72-bcfe-4c8f-9ef4-b220016262af\/audio.mp3","podmotor_file_id":"","podmotor_episode_id":"","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"00:27:55","filesize":"25.60M","filesize_raw":"","date_recorded":"","explicit":"","block":""},"categories":[2875],"tags":[],"podcast_series":[10906],"cwp_profile":[9737],"series":[2101],"class_list":["post-310631","podcast","type-podcast","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-essentials","podcast_series-how-to-listen-so-your-kids-will-talk-becky-harling","cwp_profile-becky-harling","series-familylife-today"],"acf":[],"episode_featured_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/06\/image-scaled.jpg?w=1024","episode_player_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2023\/02\/image-scaled.jpg","download_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-download\/310631\/i-want-my-kids-to-talk-to-me-becky-harling","player_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-player\/310631\/i-want-my-kids-to-talk-to-me-becky-harling","audio_player":null,"episode_data":{"playerMode":"light","subscribeUrls":{"apple_podcasts":{"key":"apple_podcasts","url":"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303?mt=2&app=podcast","label":"Apple Podcasts","class":"apple_podcasts","icon":"apple-podcasts.png"},"google_podcasts":{"key":"google_podcasts","url":"","label":"Google Podcasts","class":"google_podcasts","icon":"google-podcasts.png"},"spotify":{"key":"spotify","url":"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm","label":"Spotify","class":"spotify","icon":"spotify.png"},"youtube":{"key":"youtube","url":"","label":"YouTube","class":"youtube","icon":"youtube.png"}},"rssFeedUrl":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/feed\/podcast\/familylife-today","embedCode":"<blockquote class=\"wp-embedded-content\" data-secret=\"Ex2B8jR6sF\"><a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/i-want-my-kids-to-talk-to-me-becky-harling\/\">I Want My Kids To Talk To Me: Becky Harling<\/a><\/blockquote><iframe sandbox=\"allow-scripts\" security=\"restricted\" src=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/i-want-my-kids-to-talk-to-me-becky-harling\/embed\/#?secret=Ex2B8jR6sF\" width=\"500\" height=\"350\" title=\"&#8220;I Want My Kids To Talk To Me: Becky Harling&#8221; &#8212; FamilyLife\u00ae - A Cru Ministry\" data-secret=\"Ex2B8jR6sF\" frameborder=\"0\" marginwidth=\"0\" marginheight=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\" class=\"wp-embedded-content\"><\/iframe><script>\n\/*! This file is auto-generated *\/\n!function(d,l){\"use strict\";l.querySelector&&d.addEventListener&&\"undefined\"!=typeof URL&&(d.wp=d.wp||{},d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage||(d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage=function(e){var t=e.data;if((t||t.secret||t.message||t.value)&&!\/[^a-zA-Z0-9]\/.test(t.secret)){for(var s,r,n,a=l.querySelectorAll('iframe[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),o=l.querySelectorAll('blockquote[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),c=new RegExp(\"^https?:$\",\"i\"),i=0;i<o.length;i++)o[i].style.display=\"none\";for(i=0;i<a.length;i++)s=a[i],e.source===s.contentWindow&&(s.removeAttribute(\"style\"),\"height\"===t.message?(1e3<(r=parseInt(t.value,10))?r=1e3:~~r<200&&(r=200),s.height=r):\"link\"===t.message&&(r=new URL(s.getAttribute(\"src\")),n=new URL(t.value),c.test(n.protocol))&&n.host===r.host&&l.activeElement===s&&(d.top.location.href=t.value))}},d.addEventListener(\"message\",d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage,!1),l.addEventListener(\"DOMContentLoaded\",function(){for(var e,t,s=l.querySelectorAll(\"iframe.wp-embedded-content\"),r=0;r<s.length;r++)(t=(e=s[r]).getAttribute(\"data-secret\"))||(t=Math.random().toString(36).substring(2,12),e.src+=\"#?secret=\"+t,e.setAttribute(\"data-secret\",t)),e.contentWindow.postMessage({message:\"ready\",secret:t},\"*\")},!1)))}(window,document);\n\/\/# sourceURL=https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-includes\/js\/wp-embed.min.js\n<\/script>\n"},"uagb_featured_image_src":{"full":["https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/06\/image-scaled.jpg",1024,1024,true]},"uagb_author_info":{"display_name":"Margaret","author_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/author\/margaret-coylefamilylife-com\/"},"uagb_comment_info":0,"uagb_excerpt":"Do you struggle with getting your kids to talk to you? Becky Harling explains how to give them a voice.","meta_box":{"show_notes":"\n<ul>\n<li>Black Friday; Don't miss out on FamilyLife's amazing sale: Don't miss out on FamilyLife's amazing sale: Weekend to Remember gift cards are half off and devotionals are discounted from Nov. 18 to Dec. 2 at <a href=\"http:\/\/shop.familylife.com\/\">shop.familylife.com<\/a>!<\/li>\n<li>FamilyLife has a free devotional for you from Amber Neese: \"Finding Common Ground.\" Sign up at <a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/content-offers\/finding-common-ground\/\">familylife.com\/findingcommonground<\/a>!<br \/>\n<hr dir=\"rtl\"><\/li>\n<li>Find resources from this podcast at <a href=\"https:\/\/shop.familylife.com\/product-category\/radio-resources\/\">shop.familylife.com<\/a>.<\/li>\n<li><a href=\"https:\/\/shop.familylife.com\/product-category\/past-radio-resources\/\">See resources from our past podcasts.<\/a><\/li>\n<li>Find more content and resources on the <a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/flministries\/app\/\">FamilyLife's app<\/a>!<\/li>\n<li>Help others find FamilyLife. Leave a review on <a href=\"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303\">Apple Podcast<\/a> or <a href=\"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm?si=d6dfa8d2415f4750\">Spotify<\/a>.<\/li>\n<li>Check out all the FamilyLife's podcasts on the <a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/flministries\/familylife-podcast-network\/\">FamilyLife Podcast Network<\/a><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n\n","transcript_url":"https:\/\/transcript.familylife.com\/fl2024-11-25.pdf","transcript_content":"\nFamilyLife Today\u00ae National Radio Version (time edited) Transcript\r\n\r\nReferences to conferences, resources, or other special promotions may be obsolete.\r\n\r\nI Want My Kids to Talk to Me\r\n\r\nGuest:Becky Harling\r\n\r\nFrom the series:How to Listen So Your Kids Will Talk (Day 1 of 2)\r\n\r\nAir date:November 25, 2024\r\n\r\nBecky: We want kids who are going to grow up to be adults that have a strong voice in this world. Our children are separate from us; they\u2019re not always going to think like us. They\u2019re going to have different ideas and opinions. We want to create places\u2014maybe it\u2019s the dinner table\u2014where they can voice those opinions.\r\n\r\nShelby: Welcome to FamilyLife Today, where we want to help you pursue the relationships that matter most. I'm Shelby Abbott, and your hosts are Dave and Ann Wilson. You can find us at FamilyLifeToday.com. \r\n\r\nAnn: This is FamilyLife Today!\r\n\r\nAnn: I think this is going to be a really good conversation today.\r\n\r\nDave: Yes; because we\u2019ve got somebody with us that\u2019s going to help us learn how to listen, as parents, so our kids will talk. Sounds like a book title to me.\r\n\r\nAnn: This is Becky Harling with us today. She wrote the book, as you said, Dave, How to Listen So Your Kids Will Talk. You've spent more than 30 years teaching God's Word to people all around the world, so I\u2019m excited.\r\n\r\nDave: Yeah, we need help. Our kids are older; but we\u2019ve got grandkids now; and our listeners have kids of all different ages. I\u2019m going to ask you the question that\u2019s on the title of your book: \u201cHow do we listen so our kids will talk?\u201d\r\n\r\nBecky: We have to be intentional. Before we even start, I want to say, and I know you guys would agree with me, this is a no-guilt zone because\u2014\r\n\r\nAnn: Oh, I like this, Becky.\r\n\r\nBecky: \u2014we have all messed up in this area; and it\u2019s an area where God continues to grow us. \r\n\r\nFor me, God gave me a little negotiator; she was about three years old when I realized what a negotiator she was. She was \u201ctiny but mighty,\u201d as the pediatrician would say. [Laughter] I just remember thinking, \u201cOh, my word, how can you be three years old and have so many opinions?\u201d She had opinions on everything. From the time she was three, Stef would start conversations with: \u201cMom, don\u2019t say no yet,\u201d and then we would go into this long argument. \r\n\r\nDave: Is this your firstborn? \r\n\r\nBecky: No! This is my third. \r\n\r\nDave: Really.\r\n\r\nBecky: I treasure her\u2014because you know what?\u2014God had to change me. I grew up in a fairly abusive, authoritative home\/very abusive, actually. Growing up in a Christian home, and being a Bible teacher, we all heard that your kids are supposed to be well-behaved\/grow up to love Jesus. Unfortunately, that meant I talked a lot. I\u2019m a teacher; right?\u2014I had a lot to say\/a lot of instructions\u2014\u201cPick up your clothes,\u201d \u201cMake your bed,\u201d \u201cGet your homework ready.\u201d \r\n\r\nAnn: So this was you, as a mom.\r\n\r\nBecky: Yes! I had to learn how to listen and to really tune in to what was coming from my kids\u2019 hearts. \r\n\r\nDave: Was that something that you learned quickly? How did you learn it? \r\n\r\nBecky: I did not learn it quickly. [Laughter] In fact, when one of my other daughters was 17, I asked her, \u201cSo how do you think I'm doing as a listener?\u201d I really thought I was going to get kudos, the rave reviews. And she was like, \u201cWell, sometimes you listen; you talk a lot; you give me a lot of your opinions. I just want you to listen; you're distracted a lot.\u201d\r\n\r\nIt\u2019s a skill that we have to continue working on. In our home, my husband Steve and I realized we needed a key verse to shape our family; because we really didn\u2019t know what we were doing as parents. In fact, I have joked that really the book I've wanted to write on parenting is called \u201cBlackmail, Bribery, and a Whole Lot of Prayer\u201d because\u2014\r\n\r\nAnn: You need write that book.\r\n\r\nBecky: \u2014really, we didn\u2019t know what we were doing. We knew we wanted good kids; we knew we wanted a good relationship with them. Driving everything we did, we had two goals in mind: we wanted them to grow up to love Jesus; we knew: \u201cWe really can\u2019t control that; we can only model that.\u201d But we wanted them to grow up with a strong connection with us; that meant we had to learn how to listen. \r\n\r\nThe verse that we chose for our house is Proverbs 24:3 and 4: \u201cBy wisdom a house is built; through understanding it is established. Through knowledge its rooms are filled with rare and beautiful treasures [NIV].\u201d We loved that verse, so our whole family system was built on those verses from Proverbs.\r\n\r\nAnn: How did you break that down and think, \u201cOkay, this is what we want it to look like now in our family\u201d?\r\n\r\nBecky: Well, there\u2019s three couplets in that verse; so they became really goals for Steve, my husband, and I. The first one is \u201cwisdom.\u201d We knew, \u201cOh man, does it ever take wisdom.\u201d In fact\u2014funny story\u2014yesterday, we have a family text thread. My girls were all texting me, saying, \u201cOh my word, why didn\u2019t you tell us parenting was going to be so hard?!\u201d [Laughter]\r\n\r\nAnn: You have three daughters and a son.\r\n\r\nBecky: I have three daughters and a son, yes.\r\n\r\nAnyway, parenting is hard. There\u2019s lots of books out there on parenting\u2014we\u2019ve all written them\u2014but at the end of the day, parents have to go back to the Lord for wisdom; because each child is different. Our first-born was completely different than our second. And our second was different than our third, and our third was different than our fourth. And so you've got to go back to God for wisdom. So we exercise that principle every day, getting on our knees, asking God for wisdom. \r\n\r\nThe second one is: \u201c\u2026through understanding it is established.\u201d This couplet I love; it's one of my favorites because in our house, all our kids played soccer. So we had a million soccer balls flying through the house, and sometimes a lamp would get knocked over. The idea behind understanding here is re-setting up something that\u2019s been toppled over. For our kids, they go out in the world, and their emotions are toppled over: people say mean things to them or they get their feelings hurt. As a parent, when you listen to understand, you are helping to reestablish that child\u2019s heart. \r\n\r\nThen \u201cThrough knowledge, the rooms are filled with rare and beautiful treasures.\u201d You\u2019ve got to know your kids: \u201cWho are their friends?\u201d \u201cWhat are the things your kids love?\u201d \u201cWhat do they gravitate to?\u201d\u201d What are their strengths? What are their weaknesses?\u201d Because when you can celebrate every child\u2019s unique personality, then your home is filled with rare and beautiful moments. \r\n\r\nAnn: Did you get to a point in parenting, where you thought, \u201cI can\u2019t do this apart from God\u201d? \r\n\r\nBecky: Oh, my word; oh, my word! I mean, we got to that point many times; right?! We had four kids; we didn\u2019t know what we were doing! I can\u2019t even tell you how many times I was at that point; like, \u201cLord, You\u2019ve got to help, because I\u2019m not doing this well.\u201d \r\n\r\nI remember one morning\u2014it had been a rough morning with my little negotiator; and it had actually been a rough week with my little negotiator\u2014I just remember getting up, really early, getting on my knees and sobbing before the Lord, and just saying, \u201cI can\u2019t do this. I\u2019m messing her up for life. She\u2019s going to need a lifetime of therapy. I just can\u2019t do this! You\u2019ve got to help me!\u201d And the Lord did; He showed me that I had to keep my mouth shut more. [Laughter]\r\n\r\nAnn: I\u2019ve done that. As our kids got older, I remember my older friend saying, \u201cAs your kids become teenagers, you just say less; and you pray more.\u201d \r\n\r\nBecky: Oh, yes.\r\n\r\nAnn: I remember thinking, \u201cReally? Is that really necessary?\u201d I realize, \u201cYes, that is really necessary to pray more.\u201d So I was praying, all through the day,\u2014\r\n\r\nBecky: Oh, yes.\r\n\r\nAnn: \u2014all the time\u2014\r\n\r\nBecky: Me too.\r\n\r\nAnn: \u2014even when I woke up in the morning: \u201cLord, help me because I know I could blow it. I know I will blow it, and I need Your wisdom. I need Your help.\u201d\r\n\r\nWere there specific times that you felt like, \u201cOh, God really gave me some wisdom in this\u201d? \r\n\r\nBecky: Yeah, absolutely. So there was a season when\u2014my husband was a pastor for most of our married life\u2014and so Sundays are crazy. I had been away at a speaking event. I came back, and my husband said\u2014our son, JJ\u2014he said, \u201cHe's really been sick today\u201d; he had the flu. And then, I got home and he was eating strawberry pie. So I thought, \u201cWell, he can't be that sick.\u201d I mean, right? And the next morning, Sunday morning, Steve's gone; and JJ comes into our bedroom, and he's like, \u201cMom, I'm dying of pain.\u201d \r\n\r\nAnd I just remember thinking, \u201cOkay, Lord, what do I do? Do I say, \u2018Well, you ate too much pie\u2019?\u201d I just had this check in my spirit; it's the only way I can say it. And I was like, \u201cLord, You got to show me what to do.\u201d I felt like the Lord said, \u201cCall the pediatrician, and go right now.\u201d So I did. Well, it turned out that JJ had appendicitis. By the time we got him to the hospital, it had burst. But again, as a mother, you're like, \u201cOkay, is this serious? Is this not serious? Is he joking around?\u201d\u2014or whatever. But there are so many times along the way.\r\n\r\nAnother time I got home from a speaking event, and my little negotiator, who was then 12, came bounding down the steps. She had an idea. I\u2019m like, \u201cHi, Stef!\u201d She\u2019s like, \u201cHi, Mom.\u201d She said, \u201cI really think I deserve a TV in my room.\u201d [Laughter] Now, that went against everything Steve and I believed in, as parents. I just remember thinking\/I could feel a response coming on, and I\/thankfully, I paused; I was like, \u201cLord, show me what to do.\u201d I said, \u201cYou know what Stef?\u201d I knew I didn\u2019t have the energy to argue this; so I said, \u201cGo up to the office, and I want you to write me a proposal. It\u2019s got to have good paragraph structure; it\u2019s got to have good sentences, capitals, periods\u2014the whole thing.\u201d\r\n\r\nShe was all excited. She went up and worked for two hours on this proposal. She brought it down to Steve and I, and she presented her proposal. We excused her, so we could talk. Steve said, \u201cBeck, I don\u2019t know what we\u2019re going to do; this is really good!\u201d [Laughter] So we gave in, and we let her have a black-and-white TV in her room that only worked on two channels. She felt like she won. [Laughter]\r\n\r\nAnn: What does she do now?\r\n\r\nBecky: She is amazing. She has a very strong voice for the Lord; she\u2019s on staff at her church. She\u2019s working on her master\u2019s degree in counselling. \r\n\r\nAnn: Wow! \r\n\r\nBecky: Yes, she\u2019s amazing\r\n\r\nAnn: That\u2019s really amazing though; because you thought, \u201cThe answer\u2019s going to be \u2018No\u2019; we\u2019re not going to let her have a TV in there.\u201d\r\n\r\nBecky: Right!\r\n\r\nAnn: But what she had done, and her argument was so compelling,\u2014\r\n\r\nBecky: Yes!\r\n\r\nAnn: \u2014that you just felt, \u201cWe have to.\u201d But I like the idea that it had two channels and was black and white. [Laughter]\r\n\r\nBecky: I know; I know. [Laughter] \r\n\r\nNow, I tell parents: \u201cHey, if you have a negotiator\u2014if they\u2019re grammar-school age, or junior high, or even teenagers\u2014learn to use the power of a proposal, because it gives you time to pray while they\u2019re working on that proposal.\u201d \r\n\r\nAnn: That\u2019s really wise.\r\n\r\nBecky: And it gives them a voice!\r\n\r\nDave: Yes, I was just going to say: \u201cIt gives them a voice.\u201d Your first chapter is \u201cGive Them a Voice.\u201d\r\n\r\nBecky: Yes.\r\n\r\nDave: A lot of us would have just said, \u201cNo, they don\u2019t have a voice. They\u2019re not even\u2014they\u2019re going to ask\u2014and it\u2019s over.\u201d But I mean, that\u2019s wisdom.\r\n\r\nAnn: Yes.\r\n\r\nDave: You just modeled wisdom, understanding, knowledge. [Laughter] Seriously, I don\u2019t know if I would have ever done that.\r\n\r\nAnn: I think that is\/I mean, that was from God.\r\n\r\nBecky: That was from God; absolutely. Because I would not have thought of that by myself.\r\n\r\nDave:Let me just pause, and say, \u201cIf you need help as a parent,\u2014\r\n\r\nAnn: I do! \r\n\r\nDave: I'm like, \u201cWho does not need help, as a parent?\u201d We have help for you at FamilyLife.com\/ParentingHelp. It's free! It's some of our best stuff; we put it together for you. You need help; I need help; we all need help. Go to FamilyLife.com\/ParentingHelp and get help.\r\n\r\nAnn: I had a situation that I\u2019ve shared before. It was when our son was 13. He was in a bad mood before school, which then made me mad. We get in this argument, and I tell him his privileges are gone for the weekend. I get in the car to drive him to school. Now, I feel bad; because I had over-reacted, which I can do that quite often.\r\n\r\nBecky: We all can. [Laughter]\r\n\r\nDave: Oh, every once in a while.\r\n\r\nAnn: I tell him, \u201cCJ, I\u2019m really sorry. I overreacted. Let\u2019s just talk about this before we get to school.\u201d He will not talk. That\u2019s the thing that drives me most crazy of anything when you can\u2019t have a conversation, because I want to have that conversation. We\u2019re driving; I say, \u201cHey, don\u2019t just shut down. Let\u2019s really talk about what happened. What were you feeling? What were you thinking?\u201d I\u2019m trying to listen.\r\n\r\nBecky: Yes. [Laughter]\r\n\r\nAnn: But there\u2019s nothing; he says nothing. We get to the school. I stop the car; I said, \u201cHey, don\u2019t get out of the car until we, at least, make a little head way of saying, \u2018Tell me what you\u2019re feeling.\u2019\u201d He looks at me; he opens the car door, and he goes into the school. [Laughter]\r\n\r\nNow, I\u2019m like, \u201cAhhh!\u201d Now, I\u2019m mad; and I\u2019m trying to think what I should do: \u201cShould I go back in and get him?\u201d I\u2019m driving, and this is exactly what comes to mind: \u201cFirst, I'm trying to plan the whole thing: \u2018What should I do?\u2019 \u2018What's the best plan?\u2019; but then, I'm reminded, \u201cPray\u201d; and I think of James 1: \u201cIf any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God who gives generously without reproach.\u201d And so I said that: \u201cLord, I have no idea what I'm doing. I don't know what to do; I don't know what to say. But I don't want this to be an ongoing thing where we have conflict; and then, he shuts down. So give me wisdom.\u201d\r\n\r\nIn my mind, popped this thought\u2014went home, grabbed a piece of paper\u2014put a stick figure of a girl, stick figure of a guy; and I put a brick in the middle of us. He came home later that day. Because I had put that note right on his desk, where he studies, he came in the house, goes upstairs [for his] studies, and then he comes immediately downstairs with this paper. He goes, \u201cMom, what is this?\u2014like your attempt at art? What is this that you put on my desk?\u201d [Laughter] \r\n\r\nI said, \u201cOh, that\u2019s what happened to us today. That\u2019s me, the woman; that\u2019s you, the guy. That thing in between\u2014that block\/that brick\u2014is the fight that we had. It\u2019s in our relationship now; it\u2019s unresolved.\u201d \r\n\r\nHe said, \u201cMom, it\u2019s not there; I\u2019m not even mad about it.\u201d I said, \u201cI\u2019m not either, but that doesn\u2019t mean the brick has disappeared and the conflict is resolved. We\u2019re just not mad that it\u2019s there anymore.\u201d So we had this great discussion about how, if you have one fight and you don\u2019t resolve it, and I took a pencil and I made all these bricks. I said, \u201cI see families, all the time, that can\u2019t even talk; because they\u2019ve had so many arguments, and they haven\u2019t resolved them. And we\u2019ve seen marriages\/that happened to them as well.\u201d \r\n\r\nIt\u2019s so fun because he said, \u201cSo how do you get rid of the brick?\u201d; you know? [Laughter]\r\n\r\nBecky: I love that!\r\n\r\nAnn: We talked about it; we prayed about it; and I erased it. \r\n\r\nAs you were talking, I thought, \u201cThat\u2019s what God does.\u201d I would have never come up with this thought in my mind to draw that picture, and I\u2019m not an artist. I think God is so beautifully merciful to us when we go to Him and ask. He gives generously.\r\n\r\nBecky: He does.\r\n\r\nAnn: But we have to ask. We have to, then: \u201cWhat kind of thoughts does He put in my mind?\u201d or \u201cWhat are people saying to me?\u201d or \u201cWhat is the Word saying to me in order to hear?\u201d\r\n\r\nBecky: Yes, absolutely.\r\n\r\nDave: Talk about this: \u201cHow do we give our kids a voice?\u201d Because often, we are the voice, as a parent; and we want to be authoritative, and we want to lead them in a right way. Yet, there are times we need to give them a voice. And there are other times we don\u2019t, so there\u2019s got to be wisdom there. How do we give them a voice?\r\n\r\nBecky: I think we need to really be intentional about giving them a voice, because we want kids who are going to grow up to be adults that have a strong voice in this world. If we\u2019re focused on silencing them\u2014I think it begins with a mind change on our part\u2014our children are separate from us; they\u2019re not always going to think like us. They\u2019re going to have different ideas and opinions. We want to create places\u2014maybe it\u2019s the dinner table\u2014where they can voice those opinions. We want to really affirm their creativity in how they express their voice. \r\n\r\nMy husband was the pastor of this large church, and we had Wednesday night programs. Back in the day, you probably had Wednesday night programs, too.\r\n\r\nAnn: We did, yes.\r\n\r\nBecky: Our kids would go to these Wednesday night programs. My oldest was in third grade, so she was part of Pioneer Girls at the time. But Bethany was very athletic; and at Pioneer Girls, they wanted them to sew. She couldn\u2019t stand sewing. [Laughter] The boys were getting more gym time; so Bethany and her friend, Robin\u2014I\u2019ll never forget this\u2014created a petition. They took it around to all the fourth-grade girls, the third-grade girls, and the second-grade girls. Then, they went very respectfully to the children\u2019s ministry director and presented their petition for why the girls needed more gym time. \r\n\r\nAt first, Steve and I were like, \u201cGreat, what does this do to our reputation?\u201d\u2014my husband's the lead pastor. But then, we realized, \u201cNo, this is awesome because they did it in a respectful way.\u201d \r\n\r\nAnn: I think all your kids are negotiators.\r\n\r\nBecky: Oh, yes; probably. [Laughter] They brought a proposal to the children\u2019s ministry director. \r\n\r\nI think family dinners are a great place to encourage your kids\u2019 voice: talk about faith issues\/let them express their doubts. Because they need to wrestle out their faith in order for it to be strong later.\r\n\r\nI think there are some guiding principles throughout the book: \u201cAsk questions,\u201d \u201cGive them opportunities to make choices. Don\u2019t make every choice for them. They need to make choices, and they need to own their choices for better or for worse.\u201d \r\n\r\nDave: I know the quote early in your book\u2014I\u2019d never seen this quote\u2014and I was like, \u201cWow!\u201d \r\n\r\nAnn: I love this quote, too; because it really stuck out to me last night when I was reading your book: \u201cBeing heard is so close to being loved that, for the average person, they are almost indistinguishable,\u201d by David Augsburger. \r\n\r\nBecky: Yes, I love it.\r\n\r\nAnn: That\u2019s a heavy, heavy quote. That combination of being heard, they feel loved by that.\r\n\r\nBecky: Yes\u2014\r\n\r\nDave: I mean, we all do.\r\n\r\nBecky: Yes, we do. The same principle applies to marriage, and it applies to your kids. Unfortunately, in our day and age, we all didn\u2019t have to deal with this as much\u2014the whole technology piece\u2014but that is shaping families right now; because you have parents who are continually on their cell phone. We\u2019ve all been guilty of it; again, this a guilt-free zone. We live in a very distracted society; but if your child\u2019s really going to feel loved and connected to you, they have to feel heard. We have to make sure we\u2019re being intentional about opening those doors of communication.\r\n\r\nAnn: You even talk about looking them in the eye,\u2014\r\n\r\nBecky: Yes.\r\n\r\nAnn: \u2014making sure that they\u2019re seeing that you are looking at them.\r\n\r\nBecky: Yes, I love the story, in Luke 15, of the prodigal. That story for me, personally, is my all-time favorite story that Jesus ever told; because I grew up with a very abusive father. To see the actions of the father in that story with his son, who has really blown it and wasted the family inheritance\/ran off. He\u2019s like the typical college freshman; right?\u2014he\u2019s partying; and all of a sudden, it dawns on this kid, \u201cHey, maybe I should get a job,\u201d\u2014there\u2019s a profound thought. The kid gets a job slopping pigs. And then, he finally thinks, \u201cI should go home and work for my dad.\u201d \r\n\r\nBut what\u2019s amazing about the story is the kid starts home; and the father is outside, scanning the horizon. I can hardly ever teach this story without crying, because it impacts me so much. But that father lifts his robe, and runs to that kid, and throws his arms around that kid. This is the kid who has made his life miserable. But he throws his arms around that kid\u2014he\u2019s loving him; he\u2019s hugging him; he looks him in the eye\u2014and he says, \u201cYou\u2019re going to come home, as my son, not my servant.\u201d \r\n\r\nIt\u2019s such a powerful example of what God wants for us, even in our parenting. When we look at our kids, and our eyes light up to see them, there\u2019s all this science that\u2019s been done that you are actually building your child\u2019s joy center; what an amazing capacity that God\u2019s given us! I have little grandbabies. When you look at that little grandbaby, and you\u2019re looking at them eye to eye, and your eyes light up to see them, you\u2019re building their capacity to be able to return to joy later in life. How crazy is that?!\r\n\r\nAnn: It\u2019s amazing. \r\n\r\nBecky: It is!\r\n\r\nAnn: I\u2019m thinking about that with each of our kids, or our grandkids, to really look them in the eye. As a mom, with little kids, this feels like: \u201cAre you kidding me? I\u2019m making dinner. I\u2019ve just come home from my job; I\u2019m exhausted. They\u2019re all running around; it\u2019s crazy. There\u2019s homework to be done. There\u2019s dishes to be done.\u201d\r\n\r\nBecky: Yes, all of the things.\r\n\r\nAnn: But to stop for a minute to look in your kid\u2019s eyes to tell them, \u201cI see you, and I love you who you are.\u201d \r\n\r\nBecky: Yes.\r\n\r\nAnn: That is one of the greatest gifts that you will ever give to your kids\u2014and I will add\u2014\u2026and to your spouse. Because I\u2019m worse with Dave than I am with my kids. My kids can come in and I\u2019m [cheerfully], \u201cHey, what\u2019s up?!\u201d \r\n\r\nBecky: Yes. \r\n\r\nAnn: But Dave can come in, and I can be like [frustrated], \u201cWhere have you been?!\u201d [Laughter]\r\n\r\nBecky: We\u2019ve all done that! You brought up a good point, too; because when your kids are coming home and into the house, looking excited to see them. That\u2019s not the time to be on your phone; look them in the eye, \u201cHow was your day?!\u201d You\u2019re going to have the kids, who are going to be like, \u201cFine,\u201d or whatever, but\u2014\r\n\r\nAnn: And they\u2019ll go through phases that they\u2019ll do that for a while, actually,\u2014\r\n\r\nBecky: Yes.\r\n\r\nAnn: \u2014like [annoyed], \u201cIt\u2019s no big deal, Mom. Why are you making such a big deal out of it?\u201d But they remember it. \r\n\r\nBecky: They remember it. When you look excited to see them\u2014I mean, you and I know\u2014we all have grandkids; right?\u2014when they come to my house, and they run in that open door, and they\u2019re like, \u201cMimi!\u201d\u2014and I\u2019m hugging them, and picking them up, and looking them in the eye\u2014there\u2019s a whole wealth of nonverbal language that happens that we can show our kids we love them, without really even using our words\u2014not that it\u2019s not important to say, \u201cI love you,\u201d\u2014but hugging them, and looking them in the eye, and smiling.\r\n\r\nI remember, in our home, some of my girls\u2014it seems like the girls confront a little more than our son did at this age\u2014[Laughter] it seems all of my stories are about them. Anyway, they said, \u201cYou know, Mom, you look angry.\u201d I\u2019m like, \u201cI\u2019m not angry\u201d; I was probably focused on some project. I literally went before the mirror\u2014this is\/I\u2019m being very vulnerable here\u2014I literally went before the mirror the next day at school, and I practiced smiling, like: \u201cWhat does my face look like? What messages am I sending these kids with my face?\u201d\r\n\r\nAnn: That\u2019s so funny. [Laughter] But it\u2019s a great thought: \u201cAm I constantly\/do I have my mind on something else? Am I distracted?\u201d\r\n\r\nBecky: Yes.\r\n\r\nAnn: But as you were saying that, the thing that hit me was, as you talked about the prodigal, our Father is always so happy to be with us\u2014our heavenly Father. \r\n\r\nBecky: Yes!\r\n\r\nAnn: When we come to Him, He\u2019s smiling. It doesn\u2019t matter what you\u2019ve done; He\u2019s always so glad that we\u2019ve come into His presence.\r\n\r\nBecky: Yes.\r\n\r\nAnn: And He\u2019s always welcoming us; that\u2019s a good reminder.\r\n\r\nDave: As you were talking, I\u2019m remembering walking in my house every day\/every day after school\u2014Dad left; my little brother died\u2014\r\n\r\nBecky: I\u2019m so sorry.\r\n\r\nDave: I\u2019m really feeling unloved. I can remember walking in the back door from the driveway every single day\u2014and it didn\u2019t hit me until I was listening to you two moms talk\u2014that my mom stopped everything, hugged me, kissed me, looked me in the eye, sat down for dinner, and asked me about my day, every single day. I ran home; because I felt seen, and loved, and heard.\r\n\r\nShe probably didn\u2019t know that Bible verse; but she had wisdom, understanding and knowledge. I thought, \u201cMan, I want to be home\u201d; because I was loved. I was loved, because I was heard. It\u2019s a perfect example of what the Father looks like. In my case, it was a single mom. \r\n\r\nBut to the parent listening, I\u2019d say: \u201cToday\u2019s your day. No matter what yesterday was, or how you have been parenting, I hope God spoke in such a way, saying, \u2018Today I need to make sure my son or daughter feels heard. I need to look them in the eye, turn off my phone,\u2014\r\n\r\nAnn: \u2014smile.\r\n\r\nDave: \u2014\u201cand let them talk, and see where God takes us.\u2019 It will be a beautiful day.\u201d\r\n\r\nShelby: So the question is: \u201cHow are we doing?\u201d Me: I could use some work in this area. We think listening is easy, but it's really not. It's difficult to do, especially when all we've done with our kids, in their younger years, is teach and instruct them. But like anything worth pursuing, it's going to take intentionality and effort. I'm challenged by this, and I'm ready to put it into action. \r\n\r\nI'm Shelby Abbott; and you've been listening to Dave and Ann Wilson, with Becky Harling, on FamilyLife Today. Becky's written a book called How to Listen So Your Kids Will Talk. It provides practical strategies for listening, and affirming your kids' feelings, and helping to build trust and connection with them: super, super valuable. And you can get your copy, right now, by going online to FamilyLifeToday.com or clicking on the link in the show notes. Or feel free to give us a call at 800-358-6329. Again, that number is 800-F as in family, L as in life, and then the word, TODAY.\r\n\r\nDo you follow us on social media? Well, if you're on Instagram, head over to FamilyLife Insta; or find us on Facebook by searching FamilyLife for more regular encouragement from the ministry that helps you with your parenting and marriage. \r\n\r\nNow, coming up tomorrow: \u201cDo you want your kids to open up more?\u201d I'd say, \u201cWho doesn't?\u201d Well, Becky Harling is back to share what parents can do to help their children express themselves. That's coming up tomorrow; we hope you'll join us. On behalf of Dave and Ann Wilson, I'm Shelby Abbott. We'll see you back next time for another edition of FamilyLife Today. \r\n\r\nFamilyLife Today is a donor-supported production of FamilyLife\u00ae, a Cru\u00ae Ministry. \r\n\r\nHelping you pursue the relationships that matter most.\r\n\r\nWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider donating today to help defray the costs?  \r\n\r\nCopyright \u00a92024 FamilyLife. All rights reserved.\r\n\r\nwww.FamilyLife.com  \r\n\r\n\n","theme_header_position":"","post_header_is_sticky":"","is_header_overlay":""},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast\/310631","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/podcast"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/47000"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=310631"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/280865"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=310631"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=310631"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=310631"},{"taxonomy":"podcast_series","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast_series?post=310631"},{"taxonomy":"cwp_profile","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/cwp_profile?post=310631"},{"taxonomy":"series","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/series?post=310631"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}