{"id":307756,"date":"2023-06-07T09:15:00","date_gmt":"2023-06-07T13:15:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/%series%\/youre-being-lied-to-about-sex-dean-inserra-2\/"},"modified":"2023-06-07T09:15:00","modified_gmt":"2023-06-07T13:15:00","slug":"youre-being-lied-to-about-sex-dean-inserra-2","status":"publish","type":"podcast","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/youre-being-lied-to-about-sex-dean-inserra-2\/","title":{"rendered":"You&#8217;re Being Lied to About Sex: Dean Inserra"},"content":{"rendered":"<p>Are you being lied to? Culture is spinning faith-altering views about sex to your kids. And our responses may determine whether kids sense Christianity&#8217;s relevance. Author Dean Inserra describes popular falsehoods, the resulting questions kids ask, and how to respond in ways pertinent, loving, and truthful.<br \/>\nShow Notes and Resources<\/p>\n<p> \tIf you found today&#8217;s episode intriguing, listen to other episodes with Dean Inserra<br \/>\n \tAnd grab his book, Pure: Why the Bible&#8217;s Plan for Sexuality Isn&#8217;t Outdated, Irrelevant, or Oppressive<br \/>\n \tFind resources from this podcast at shop.familylife.com.<br \/>\n \tFind more content and resources on the FamilyLife&#8217;s app!<br \/>\n \tHelp others find FamilyLife. Leave a review on Apple Podcast or Spotify.<br \/>\n \tCheck out all the FamilyLife podcasts on the FamilyLife Podcast Network<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Culture is lying to your kids in faith-altering ways about sex. Dean Inserra describes how to respond in ways pertinent, loving, and truthful.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":91,"featured_media":294104,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"","_seopress_robots_index":"","inline_featured_image":false,"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","episode_type":"","audio_file":"https:\/\/mp3.familylife.com\/fl2023-06-07.mp3","podmotor_file_id":"","podmotor_episode_id":"","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"00:27:05","filesize":"49.6M","filesize_raw":"52005076","date_recorded":"","explicit":"","block":""},"categories":[2088],"tags":[2319],"podcast_series":[8640],"cwp_profile":[9567],"series":[2101],"class_list":["post-307756","podcast","type-podcast","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-romance-and-sex","tag-youre-being-lied-to","podcast_series-sexual-purity-after-purity-culture-what-should-we-know","cwp_profile-dean-inserra","series-familylife-today"],"acf":[],"episode_featured_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg?w=508","episode_player_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2023\/02\/image-scaled.jpg","download_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-download\/307756\/youre-being-lied-to-about-sex-dean-inserra-2","player_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-player\/307756\/youre-being-lied-to-about-sex-dean-inserra-2","audio_player":null,"episode_data":{"playerMode":"light","subscribeUrls":{"apple_podcasts":{"key":"apple_podcasts","url":"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303?mt=2&app=podcast","label":"Apple Podcasts","class":"apple_podcasts","icon":"apple-podcasts.png"},"google_podcasts":{"key":"google_podcasts","url":"","label":"Google Podcasts","class":"google_podcasts","icon":"google-podcasts.png"},"spotify":{"key":"spotify","url":"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm","label":"Spotify","class":"spotify","icon":"spotify.png"},"youtube":{"key":"youtube","url":"","label":"YouTube","class":"youtube","icon":"youtube.png"}},"rssFeedUrl":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/feed\/podcast\/familylife-today","embedCode":"<blockquote class=\"wp-embedded-content\" data-secret=\"7auYwzbH2p\"><a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/youre-being-lied-to-about-sex-dean-inserra-2\/\">You&#8217;re Being Lied to About Sex: Dean Inserra<\/a><\/blockquote><iframe sandbox=\"allow-scripts\" security=\"restricted\" src=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/youre-being-lied-to-about-sex-dean-inserra-2\/embed\/#?secret=7auYwzbH2p\" width=\"500\" height=\"350\" title=\"&#8220;You&#8217;re Being Lied to About Sex: Dean Inserra&#8221; &#8212; FamilyLife\u00ae - A Cru Ministry\" data-secret=\"7auYwzbH2p\" frameborder=\"0\" marginwidth=\"0\" marginheight=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\" class=\"wp-embedded-content\"><\/iframe><script>\n\/*! This file is auto-generated *\/\n!function(d,l){\"use strict\";l.querySelector&&d.addEventListener&&\"undefined\"!=typeof URL&&(d.wp=d.wp||{},d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage||(d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage=function(e){var t=e.data;if((t||t.secret||t.message||t.value)&&!\/[^a-zA-Z0-9]\/.test(t.secret)){for(var s,r,n,a=l.querySelectorAll('iframe[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),o=l.querySelectorAll('blockquote[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),c=new RegExp(\"^https?:$\",\"i\"),i=0;i<o.length;i++)o[i].style.display=\"none\";for(i=0;i<a.length;i++)s=a[i],e.source===s.contentWindow&&(s.removeAttribute(\"style\"),\"height\"===t.message?(1e3<(r=parseInt(t.value,10))?r=1e3:~~r<200&&(r=200),s.height=r):\"link\"===t.message&&(r=new URL(s.getAttribute(\"src\")),n=new URL(t.value),c.test(n.protocol))&&n.host===r.host&&l.activeElement===s&&(d.top.location.href=t.value))}},d.addEventListener(\"message\",d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage,!1),l.addEventListener(\"DOMContentLoaded\",function(){for(var e,t,s=l.querySelectorAll(\"iframe.wp-embedded-content\"),r=0;r<s.length;r++)(t=(e=s[r]).getAttribute(\"data-secret\"))||(t=Math.random().toString(36).substring(2,12),e.src+=\"#?secret=\"+t,e.setAttribute(\"data-secret\",t)),e.contentWindow.postMessage({message:\"ready\",secret:t},\"*\")},!1)))}(window,document);\n\/\/# sourceURL=https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-includes\/js\/wp-embed.min.js\n<\/script>\n"},"uagb_featured_image_src":{"full":["https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg",508,508,false]},"uagb_author_info":{"display_name":"kfairris@familylife.com","author_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/author\/kfairrisfamilylife-com\/"},"uagb_comment_info":0,"uagb_excerpt":"Culture is lying to your kids in faith-altering ways about sex. Dean Inserra describes how to respond in ways pertinent, loving, and truthful.","meta_box":{"show_notes":"","transcript_url":"https:\/\/transcript.familylife.com\/fl2023-06-07.pdf","transcript_content":"<strong>Dean:<\/strong> One thing that has messed us up in the Christian culture is when we started telling people that all sins are equal. I don\u2019t know where we got that from. Yes, all sins are equal in the fact that they all require the forgiveness of Christ they all separate us equally from God, but they\u2019re not equal in the fact that they affect.\n\nThe Scriptures say Paul wrote, \u201cWhen you sin sexually you sin against your own body.\u201d [1 Corinthians 6:18, Paraphrased] He doesn\u2019t say, \u201cWhen you lie you lie against your own body,\u201d or \u201cWhen you steal you steal against your own body.\u201d He said, \u201cSexually it\u2019s our whole selves.\u201d\n\n<strong>Shelby: <\/strong>Welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>, where we want to help you pursue the relationships that matter most. I\u2019m Shelby Abbott, and your hosts are Dave and Ann Wilson. You can find us at FamilyLifeToday.com or on the FamilyLife<a id=\"_Hlk136439390\"><\/a><sup>\u00ae<\/sup> app.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>!\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I tell you what, if there\u2019s ever a time that I\u2019m glad I\u2019m not raising a teenager, it\u2019s right now. [Laughter] We did it; we\u2019ve done it; now we\u2019ve got grandkids.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> We talk about that quite a bit: \u201cCan you imagine raising kids with the access for\u2026\u201d Because our kids had cell phones, but they didn\u2019t have the internet on their cell phones. Social media is crazy.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> It\u2019s a crazy world. The world that was out there and your kids could come into your home and have a protection, and then you send them back. It\u2019s\u2014there\u2019s no barrier. It\u2019s all meshed together. The culture is right on our phone in front of us, especially as you talk about sexuality.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> We\u2019re going to help some parents today.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Parents are going to pull up and listen to this because we all need it.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Dean Inserra is back in the studio at <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. Welcome back.\n\n<strong>Dean:<\/strong> It\u2019s great to be here. I love being with you guys.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> We\u2019re going to talk about purity. You wrote a book called <em>Pure: Why the Bible\u2019s Plan for Sexuality isn\u2019t Outdated, Irrelevant or Oppressive<\/em>.\n\nPastor, dad, write, speaker\u2014you do it all.\n\nWhen you, and we talked about this last couple of days, but when you talk about the culture\u2019s views, teachings, beliefs, and you write in your book, \u201cseveral lies,\u201d how do you combat that as a parent?\n\n<strong>Dean:<\/strong> I think that we need to make sure that we\u2019re aware what they are. But first, what is being said out there, and to make sure that we have the answers to it.\n\nAgain, the world\u2019s system is broken. It is. Just look around. It\u2019s undeniable. I think the world even knows that. How many broken relationships, hurting people, people who are wounded by the sexual revolution, people who are confused. There\u2019s so much chaos with it that so many of the things we see right now are a result of people buying into the lies of the sexual revolution.\n\nWe have to be really clear with our children and with our churches and our friends and our small groups whatever areas you have that what God has is right and it is better and it is proven. Jesus is risen from the grave. I\u2019m not the smartest guy in Tallahassee by any means, but I\u2019m going to go with the one who was dead and came back to life three days later any day of the week. [Laughter]\n\nThe Bible is just as clear on sexual ethics as it is [on] things like \u201cLove your neighbor,\u201d\u00a0 \u201cHelp the poor.\u201d Just as clear, so we need to make sure that we are as clear.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Dean, how did you find out what the lies are when you say, \u201cParents need to know what their kids are hearing,\u201d how did you hear that?\n\n<strong>Dean:<\/strong> I started seeing it just witnessing it in my relationships with people. So many of the counseling sessions are \u201cCan you meet me for lunch. I need to talk to you.\u201d I almost know what\u2019s coming. I\u2019m hearing things like, \u201cWhat does the Bible really say about my girlfriend and I living together. Is that really wrong? Why? Why is that wrong? We are saving money and we\u2019re going to get married eventually.\u201d Those type of ideas.\n\nOr \u201cI\u2019m not getting married any time soon because first we need to save up a lot of money and get our degrees and go backpack Europe and go chase our dreams. Once we do all that then we\u2019ll get married.\u201d\n\nThere are all these things that they\u2019re saying. I heard it and then that caused me to start putting down my thoughts about it all. [Laughter] Then <em>Pure<\/em>, the book, came from that experience being around so many conversations like that.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> One of the first lies you mentioned is \u201cSex is expected.\u201d\n\n<strong>Dean:<\/strong> That is true.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I\u2019m going to throw the lies back at you and you tell us what\u2014\n\n<strong>Dean:<\/strong> Sex is expected. I tell people, \u201cWhat used to be the first kiss on a date is now basically agreeing to sleep with someone.\u201d It\u2019s part of going out on a date, not even dating, just going out on a date. It\u2019s expected.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> It\u2019s so funny because that\u2019s how they get to know each other. Sometimes that\u2019s the first thing that happens.\n\n<strong>Dean:<\/strong> I had lunch with somebody who wanted to talk to me about that one time. Single guy in town living the single life real successful business guy in town and he was \u201cYou\u2019ve got to make sure you\u2019re compatible first before you agree to date.\u201d By \u201ccompatible\u201d he meant sexually compatible.\n\nI don\u2019t even know what that means. That\u2019s the world\u2019s logic right now. You\u2019re telling me that\u2019s not going to lead to extreme brokenness?\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u2014and expectations - so many things. I\u2019m sitting here thinking \u201cMaybe that could happen but then you have a baby. Then you have another baby. Then you have stress in your life, and maybe you\u2019re not as compatible then.\u201d\n\n<strong>Dean:<\/strong> In God\u2019s design, you don\u2019t have to lay there at night thinking \u201cWhat if I\u2019m pregnant. What if he doesn\u2019t like me? What if there\u2019s somebody else tomorrow?\u201d In God\u2019s design, you don\u2019t have to think and fear those kinds of things because there\u2019s commitment there\u2019s relationship.\n\nWhat\u2019s happening right now is people want the benefits of marriage without the covenant of marriage. That\u2019s one of the biggest lies right now that our world is putting forward.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> What do you say to the couple that\u2019s living together: \u201cFinancially it\u2019s way better.\u201d They have a lot of different reasons.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> That\u2019s one of your lies. Lie number seven: \u201cCohabitation is just makes sense.\u201d\n\n<strong>Dean:<\/strong> \u201cJust makes sense.\u201d They\u2019re believers. I\u2019m talking to believers differently here. People who claim they\u2019re trying to follow Jesus. I will tell them \u201cYou are saying right now, if your reason for living together is \u2018It just makes sense; we save money; we\u2019re getting married anyway,\u2019 you\u2019re telling me that financial stability if more important than sexual immorality.\u201d\n\nOur culture always says, \u201cYes.\u201d Their parents even fuel that.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Oh, yes.\n\n<strong>Dean:<\/strong> Often times, I\u2019ll hear Christian parents say, \u201cWe don\u2019t want you to get married yet. You\u2019re too young.\u201d What\u2019s happening now is we have a generation that their parents empower them to live at twenty-two like their parents are living at fifty-two. The parents have forgotten when they were twenty-two, they weren\u2019t living like they were 50. You get there. You work to that. They don\u2019t want their lifestyles to change at all.\n\nIt's really bizarre what has resulted from those type of shifts in culture. But I almost think\u2014this may sound cynical, but I don\u2019t mean it to be this way\u2014it\u2019s not my spirit about this\u2014but I almost expect couples to live together now. It\u2019s so common.\n\nSome will ask me to do their wedding or get together\u2014I almost expect it. We have to have this conversation. We push hard. We\u2019ll say, \u201cYou are not living in God\u2019s design. You can call it whatever you want, but you\u2019re not.\u201d\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> One of the reasons\u2014you said this yesterday\u2014is you\u2019re not living God\u2019s design because He\u2019s put some boundaries around this because you said, \u201cIt isn\u2019t just sex.\u201d\n\n<strong>Dean:<\/strong> It\u2019s never just sex.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> There\u2019s a lot of more going in. It\u2019s now just physical. It\u2019s emotional. It\u2019s mental. It\u2019s <em>soul<\/em>.\n\n<strong>Dean:<\/strong> It\u2019s a oneness that God has designed. It\u2019s a one-flesh union. I say regularly that sex is not for in love people or engaged people or mature people or ready people. It\u2019s for married people.\n\nGod has clearly defined sex as between a man and a woman. The one-flesh union is what has been designed from the very beginning. There\u2019s a oneness to sex.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Talk about dating. I know you wrote about that in your book. You don\u2019t like the idea of courtship.\n\n<strong>Dean:<\/strong> Yes, dating is complicated right now, because the Bible doesn\u2019t talk about dating. That doesn\u2019t make it bad. It just makes it neutral. There\u2019s no such thing as a boyfriend or a girlfriend in the Bible. That category is not there. You\u2019re married, unmarried or a widow. Those are the three categories in the Bible.\n\nBut in our culture the way you meet someone is through dating. So, Christians have to participate in this neutral setting called dating. It\u2019s not in itself bad, but it\u2019s almost like a pretend kind of marriage, where you act like you\u2019re married but you\u2019re not. It\u2019s just really an area of temptation where people are giving so much of their emotional life to someone.\n\nI had a college student one time. He was engaged and getting married. He was talking about [how] he tries to make sure that he and his fianc\u00e9 aren\u2019t too emotionally connected. I said, \u201cWhat do you mean by that,\u201d because on the surface that sounds terrible, right? \u201cWhat you\u2019re not emotionally connected and you\u2019re getting married?\u201d\n\nHe said, \u201cNo, no, no.\u201d A twenty-one year-old telling me this. This lesson for me. He said, \u201cIf the only thing that changes when we get married is sex, that\u2019s a problem. It means that our dating was not what it was supposed to be; that we\u2019re acting like we are married while we were dating.\u201d\n\nYou see when couples date, all of a sudden, they don\u2019t have their same friends anymore. They\u2019re only together. They\u2019re at each other\u2019s houses until forever. They got tired. They spent the night. The famous \u201cI don\u2019t want to drive back excuse.\u201d I see all of it. But what\u2019s happening is dating can really set us up for a lot of failure a lot of sin a lot of heart break unrealistic expectations, because it\u2019s not a biblical category, but we\u2019re inventing it. We\u2019re trying to live for Christ in this dating institution.\n\nI want to warn people in their dating relationships to be really careful and to make expectations known. If it is the person that you think that you want to spend the rest of your life with and the other person reciprocates that, then move towards marriage. Dating for the sake of dating, for a Christian, just doesn\u2019t make very much sense to me if you\u2019ve trying to live a life that honors God.\n\nBut again, dating is how we meet people, so I\u2019m not anti-dating.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Right.\n\n<strong>Dean:<\/strong> I\u2019m saying, \u201cDating for the sake of dating.\u201d\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> What are you going to do with your kids?\n\n<strong>Dean:<\/strong> My son had a homecoming date so far, that type of thing. They, when that time comes and they want to take a girl out on a date, I think that\u2019s great. I\u2019m going to be really careful with them on what all this means now. \u201cYou don\u2019t need to be over at her house every single day. You\u2019re not going to be inseparable. You\u2019re not a package deal. You\u2019re 16. If you want to go have dinner together, go to a movie or go to Chick Fila, that\u2019s a different story. It\u2019s your girlfriend; that\u2019s great. But in terms of your not going to be this inseparable where you\u2019re always at the hip, we\u2019re not going to do it that way.\u201d\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Will it be different with your daughter? Will there be \u201cthe talk\u201d?\n\n<strong>Dean:<\/strong> I hope not. Just emotionally in my flesh, [I want to say], \u201cIf any boy comes near my daughter\u2026.\u201d\n\nJen Wilkin, who\u2019s a friend, she\u2019s a great writer. She wrote a post one time talking about how that whole \u201cI\u2019m going to have my shotgun at the door to scare the guy\u201d\u2014she said, \u201cWithout realizing it, that kind of macho move can objectify your daughter and make her feel like she\u2019s this sexual object that needs to be treated differently than her brothers.\n\nNow we do think men and women are different and I do think there is a vulnerability difference, but I would hope that I had the same expectations with my boys that I have with my daughter in that.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> That\u2019s good.\n\n<strong>Dean:<\/strong> I\u2019m not there yet. She\u2019s only eight. [Laughter] That\u2019s my hope is that. I think my wife will keep me very stable and level headed I hope - during that time.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> I\u2019m thinking about back when our kids were in high school, I\u2019m not sure they were even that old yet. They might have been fourteen to sixteen. But I can remember being in the kitchen hearing them talk about <em>I Kissed Dating Goodbye<\/em>.\n\nOne son said, \u201cI\u2019m doing this. I\u2019m not going to kiss my wife until I know I\u2019m going to marry her. I\u2019m not going to kiss my girl until we\u2019re going to get married.\u201d\n\nI heard the other son say, \u201cThat\u2019s the dumbest thing I\u2019ve ever heard in my life.\u201d [Laughter]\n\n<strong>Dave<\/strong>: Both of them are Wilson boys.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes, so I was loving that they were having the dialogue. When your son is going on his homecoming date, do you guys have that talk: \u201cIs it okay to kiss her, Dad? What\u2019s okay?\u201d\n\n<strong>Dean:<\/strong> We have a saying. My dad used to say it with me. Every time\u2014it\u2019s funny\u2014all my friends learned it\u2014so we\u2019d all be leaving the house together and my dad would yell\u2014not yell\u2014he would just say it. On the way out the door, he\u2019d say, \u201cBoys don\u2019t do anything\u2014\u201d\n\nAnd we\u2019d all say, \u201cStupid.\u201d That was our rule: \u201cDon\u2019t do anything stupid.\u201d [Laughter]\n\nI think that\u2019s one of the conversations that I would have. I\u2019d also say, \u201cMan, just know that I\u2019m not going to tell you not to kiss your girlfriend, but I am going to tell you that it rarely just stays there. If you\u2019re going to try to live your life\u2014\u201d He\u2019s a believer, serious about the Lord. He\u2019s a Christian leader in his school. He\u2019s president of his FCA in his public school. I\u2019m really proud of him\u2014this is not just going to damage your fellowship with the Lord. It\u2019s going to be a bad witness to your school that you\u2019ve worked hard to have a witness at. Also, how she\u2019s going to view the faith of you, as a man can really be altered if you\u2019re not taking care of her in those ways.\n\nNow you don\u2019t have responsibilities a husband has. It\u2019s not your job to spiritually lead her. She\u2019s your girlfriend, not your wife. Boyfriends are not spiritual leaders. But you\u2019re also preparing to be a Christian man, so there are qualities you need to possess in that and one of them is loving your neighbor your sister in Christ, protecting, not just your purity, but hers.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> That\u2019s good.\n\n<strong>Dean:<\/strong> Now that\u2019s just real mind the future date or whoever, but you have a responsibility as a man to do that. That\u2019s the approach that I\u2019ll take.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> It is easy, as a young man, teenager [in] high school, college to think, \u201cIt\u2019s just a kiss. It won\u2019t go any farther.\u201d That\u2019s great wisdom to [say], \u201cYes, when you\u2019re in that moment you\u2019re going to be so tempted to keep going.\u201d\n\n<strong>Dean:<\/strong> Or the cycles. Let\u2019s say there\u2019s always that\u2014think back to your teenaged days. For our listeners, think back to your teenaged days\u2014that first kiss, you\u2019re nervous. Then what happens the next time you\u2019re together? You\u2019ve already done that.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Dean:<\/strong> So, you kiss immediately. That\u2019s a danger zone because from there guess what happens. There\u2019s a ladder you climb a figurative ladder, and it keeps going. With Christians, we need to be really on guard towards these things.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes, you\u2019ve got to be careful.\n\nAlright, lie number two: \u201cMarriage is a capstone, not a cornerstone.\u201d\n\n<strong>Dean:<\/strong> I\u2019m passionate about this.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Good; let\u2019s hear it.\n\n<strong>Dean:<\/strong> Right now, marriage, I believe is the cornerstone, that God has given us to build our lives <em>from<\/em>. What has happened is it has become a capstone, as in \u201cI\u2019m going to build my life, and after I do all those things, then and only if I\u2019m really ready, then I\u2019m going to get married.\u201d\n\nYou\u2019re just asking for sexual immorality. That\u2019s individualism in a way God never intended. \u201cIt\u2019s not good for man to be alone.\u201d [Genesis 2:18, Living Bible]\n\nThere are people who God has given the call or the gift, sometimes it\u2019s a gift sometimes, for some, maybe they feel like it\u2019s a weight to carry of singleness. I\u2019m not saying they\u2019re out of God\u2019s will. But for people that are ready to date that want to date, you\u2019re ready to get married. Don\u2019t date unless you have marriage in mind.\n\nI would say, \u201cIf you don\u2019t want to get married anytime soon [and] that is you [and] you\u2019re saying, \u201cI don\u2019t want to get married until I\u2019m 35. I want to go do these things.\u201d That\u2019s okay. You have every right to do that. Then don\u2019t date.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Dean:<\/strong> Don\u2019t date until that time because marriage is not something that we build our lives to. It\u2019s something we build our lives <em>from<\/em>.\n\nI\u2019m a huge proponent of getting married young, not carelessly, not recklessly or flippantly, but getting married young and building your life together from that.\n\nI asked a professor [when] I was in college\u2014I took a marriage and family class and it was taught by a husband and a wife\u2014they actually remind me of you all\u2014you\u2019d be great\u2014I\u2019m sure you do some of that\u2014you\u2019d be great at that\u2014I went up to Mrs. Dr. Anderson afterwards, because I was dating Christie pretty seriously at the time, and I was in college and she was in college\u2014she was at Florida State and I was at Liberty University\u2014I went up to her and I said, \u201cDr. Anderson, I have a question.\u201d\n\nShe said, \u201cSure, what\u2019s going on?\u201d\n\nI said, \"How much money do you have to have in order to get married?\u201d [Laughter] I really wanted to know: \u201cDo I need go save up my money?\u201d\n\nShe said, \u201cThat\u2019s a good question.\u201d I see her thinking for a minute, and she said, \u201cCan you pay for your rent now?\u201d\n\nI said, \u201cYes, ma\u2019am.\u201d\n\nShe said, \"Can your wife pay for her rent?\u201d\n\nI said, \"Yes.\u201d\n\nShe said, \"You can pay for your rent?\u201d\n\nI said, \"Yes.\u201d\n\nShe said, \"Well,\u201d and she shrugged her shoulders and said, \u201cMaybe one months living expenses.\u201d [Laughter]\n\nI said, \u201cOkay.\u201d That was really helpful for me. We can have one month\u2019s living expenses in our early days of being married. Now if we only had one month\u2019s living expenses I\u2019d be in panic mode because I have kids and a mortgage and those kinds of things. But we\u2019re <a id=\"_Hlk136443616\"><\/a>twenty-one, twenty-two years old and we could pay for our rent and have groceries [and] we were okay.\n\nI want to encourage people out there to see marriage as something you build your life <em>from<\/em>, not something you build your life <em>to<\/em>. For Christian parents that have adult children who are twenty-one, twenty-two years old, don\u2019t be the hurdle. Don\u2019t be the hurdle towards that because, again, what you might be saying without realizing it is that fulfilling your dreams, or a graduate degree or financial stability is more important than God\u2019s design and sexual morality. I know you don\u2019t believe that but that\u2019s how you are figuratively acting when you do those things.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> That\u2019s really the culture we\u2019re living in.\n\n<strong>Dean:<\/strong> It is.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Couples are getting married much later. They do want fifty to one hundred grand in the bank\u2014\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u2014and a down payment for a house.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Again, there\u2019s nothing wrong with having some of those dreams, but you\u2019re right.\n\n<strong>Dean:<\/strong> We\u2019re the first culture in the history of civilization to think that way.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes. I was nineteen when we got married. Dave was twenty-two. We grew; we learned. We didn\u2019t know anything.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u2014and had no money.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u2014nothing.\n\n<strong>Dean:<\/strong> We graduated from college and got married. I had just turned twenty-three the month before and she had just turned twenty-two.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Here\u2019s another lie, and we don\u2019t have a lot of time. Let\u2019s see how much time we can spend on this: \u201cPorn is the norm.\u201d\n\n<strong>Dean:<\/strong> It is. It used to be where you\u2019d have to go to a Seven Eleven or a gas station and shamefully walk up there. They would have them in the packages behind the register and whisper \u201cCan I have one of those magazines.\u201d Now you just go to your phone. Even if you have filters on your phone there are still ways people can find it.\n\nPeople need to realize how poisonous this is; how demonic porn is; how the enemy is using it to destroy people; destroy your marriages; destroy your mind. Sadly, it\u2019s far too normal and far too accepted now. But there is no stigma on it anymore. I think it was a good thing there was a stigma. I\u2019m not saying\u2014I don\u2019t mean the guilt and shame way, but if you\u2019re an unbeliever we need you to have guilt.\n\nWe see in the book of Acts when the gospel was preached it pierced their hearts. That\u2019s what actually happened. For the Christian, there should be conviction. By the guilt and shame is we don\u2019t remain in that is what I mean. We go towards Christ for redemption and forgiveness. There\u2019s no stigma whatsoever with pornography anymore.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> What do you do with your kids in terms of phones and boundaries and\u2014\n\n<strong>Dean:<\/strong> The first rule is: It\u2019s my phone and your mom\u2019s phone. It\u2019s not your phone even though you have it it\u2019s your phone number it\u2019s your contacts your friends, we own the phone. That means we can ask for it at any time whatsoever.\n\nThen also for TV and things like that, I\u2019ve developed some trust with them, not in a na\u00efve way but they know where we stand on this stuff and how serious it is to the point where if we\u2019re watching a movie together and there\u2019s a moment where it looks like it can get a little dicey, they see me fast forward right through it. I tell them it\u2019s not just because they\u2019re there. In general, I don\u2019t need to see that. There\u2019s only one person that I should ever see with their clothes off or in that kind of setting and that\u2019s your mother.\n\nGod said that\u2019s a good thing. It\u2019s not the sex that\u2019s bad. It\u2019s the location of it and that our eyes and our minds are not meant for that to be played out anywhere else but in the institution of marriage.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes.\n\n<strong>Dean:<\/strong> Think of couples I know that the husband or the wife are heart broken over they find out about a pornography addiction. They feel like they were physically cheated on. It feels like adultery. I\u2019ve talked to people before. That\u2019s how they truly felt. It feels like betrayal. There\u2019s so much shame. \u201cAm I not enough for you? Why do you need this?\u201d\n\nIt is a serious problem in our culture and Christians have to be a strong voice about what we think of it.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I would just add I think pastoring for thirty years, I can\u2019t talk about women, but men that really wanted to honor God and go for it and you can feel it in their soul: \u201cI want to surrender everything,\u201d and yet they had this porn, whether it\u2019s an addiction or even a struggle, I don\u2019t think they understood <em>that one issue<\/em> because it\u2019s deeper than \u201cI\u2019m looking at some sex\u201d [and] it\u2019s soul it\u2019s body; it\u2019s <em>the thing<\/em> that\u2019s keeping them from running after God. They\u2019re running, but they\u2019re not. They\u2019re \u201cIt\u2019s just one part of my life.\u201d\n\nNope. That one encompasses every part of you.\n\n<strong>Dean:<\/strong> One thing that has messed us up in the Christian culture is when we started telling people that all sins are equal. I don\u2019t know where we got that from. Yes, all sins are equal in the fact that they all require the forgiveness of Christ they all separate us equally from God. But they\u2019re not equal in the fact that they affect.\n\nThe Scriptures say Paul wrote, \u201cWhen you sin sexually you sin against your own body.\u201d [1 Corinthians 6:18] He doesn\u2019t say, \u201cWhen you lie you lie against your own body,\u201d or \u201cWhen you steal you steal against your own body.\u201d Those two things are still\u2026the wages of sin is death. [Romans 6:23] They\u2019re still very important. That\u2019s why Jesus had to die. But when you sin sexually it\u2019s our whole selves. That\u2019s a big deal.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> It really does, especially you have that baggage, you bring it into your marriage and now it affects your marriage relationship it affects your parenting\u2014\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u2014your legacy.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u2014it affects everything, everything.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u2014everything.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> We\u2019re not judging it. There are deeper issues. I think there are some ways to get help, therapy, help counseling, the Bible - to be in God\u2019s Word to be in fellowship, all of that makes a difference.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes, Dean. What would you say to the person, and I felt this way for a long time, [who] feels sexually broken: \u201cI\u2019ve made mistakes; I\u2019m scarred; it\u2019s irreparable. How do I dig out?\u201d\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Or maybe you love Jesus, you\u2019re walking with Him, but you keep falling back into that sin.\n\n<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\n<strong>Dean:<\/strong> I am so thankful for Romans 8 that tells us at the very beginning of the chapter \u201c\u2026there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ\u2026,\u201d [verse 1] and the end of the chapter tells us that \u201cNothing can separate us from the love of God.\u201d [verse 39, Paraphrased]\n\nDon\u2019t see yourself differently than God actually sees you. How does God see us? He doesn\u2019t see us as a broken person. He sees you as someone He has restored that Jesus\u2019s life was given for. That\u2019s how much it took to restore you.\n\nAlso, it\u2019s supposed to be broken when we depart from God\u2019s design. You don\u2019t stay in that guilt. Now you go recover and pursue that. Not only is God restoring us; He also calls us as His colaborers to go recover; not only go live in God\u2019s design [but] go pursue God\u2019s design for you regarding this.\n\nMy biggest encouragement to everyone is please see yourself the way God sees you. He sees you as someone He loves someone who is a new creation. He does not see you as someone who committed these sins back ten years ago or ten minutes ago. He sees you as His child who He has adopted into His family through Christ. There is more grace in God than there is sin in us even though there\u2019s a ton of sin in us, it means God\u2019s grace is that big. That\u2019s why we call the gospel \u201cgood news.\u201d\n\nPlease believe the good news for yourself. Because often times, we can find ourselves believing the good news for other people. We will tell them that God forgives you and He loves\u2026. That\u2019s not Christian clich\u00e9. We really actually believe these things. It\u2019s true for you, as well. So please believe that for you, what you also believe for other people: \u201cThere is no condemnation for those who are in Christ, and absolutely nothing can separate you from the love of God.\u201d\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes, and I would end with \u201cThanks, Dean.\u201d This has been really helpful, this conversation.\n\n<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Thanks for answering the hard questions, too.\n\n<strong>Dean:<\/strong> Definitely, I think it\u2019s so important.\n\n<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I would say to any person, \u201cGet the book,\u201d and parents, especially, this is a great tool to help talk to your kids about this because this is big deal.\n\n<strong>Shelby: <\/strong>Please see yourself the way God sees you. This is so hard when shame and regret is just incredibly powerful. But if the gospel is true, and it is, then we know that His grace is more powerful than our regret and shame. What if we just defaulted to that when it is so difficult to believe? What if we leaned on that by faith when our temptation is to spiral down into shame?\n\nOur lives would really be an accurate reflection of the grace of God and the goodness of the gospel.\n\nI\u2019m Shelby Abbott, and you\u2019ve been listening to Dave and Ann Wilson with Dean Inserra on <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>.\n\nDean has written an incredible book called <em>Pure<\/em>. The subtitle is <em>Why the Bible\u2019s Plan for Sexuality isn\u2019t Outdated, Irrelevant or Oppressive<\/em>. This book is going to be our gift to you when you partner financially with us today in order to make more conversations like the one you heard today actually possible.\n\nIf you want to partner with us, you can online to FamilyLifeToday.com or you can give us a call with your donation at 800-358-6329. Again, the number is 800- \u201cF\u201d as in family, \u201cL\u201d as in life and then the word, \u201cTODAY.\u201d\n\nFeel free to drop us something in the mail. Our address is FamilyLife, 100 Lake Hart Drive, Orlando, Florida 32832.\n\nIs having kids in Sunday school and Christian school going to be enough for them? Ultimately, we need to understand that salvation belongs to the Lord. Tomorrow on <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>, Dave and Ann Wilson are joined by Jared Kennedy who will be talking with us about how to keep your children\u2019s ministry on mission. That\u2019s tomorrow. We hope you\u2019ll join us.\n\nOn behalf of Dave and Ann Wilson, I\u2019m Shelby Abbott. We will see you back next time for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>.\n\n<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife<sup>\u00ae<\/sup>, a Cru<sup>\u00ae <\/sup>Ministry.\n\nHelping you pursue the relationships that matter most.\n\n<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\nWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\n\nCopyright \u00a9 2023 FamilyLife<sup>\u00ae<\/sup>. 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