{"id":307531,"date":"2022-08-03T08:02:07","date_gmt":"2022-08-03T12:02:07","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/%series%\/ron-deal-familylifes-online-blended-ministry-certificate-2\/"},"modified":"2022-08-03T08:02:07","modified_gmt":"2022-08-03T12:02:07","slug":"ron-deal-familylifes-online-blended-ministry-certificate-2","status":"publish","type":"podcast","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/ron-deal-familylifes-online-blended-ministry-certificate-2\/","title":{"rendered":"Ron Deal: FamilyLife&#8217;s Online Blended Ministry Certificate"},"content":{"rendered":"","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>FamilyLife&#8217;s self-driven, online ministry certificate course helps you create &amp; sustain thriving stepfamily ministry and lead transformative experiences.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":91,"featured_media":294104,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"","_seopress_robots_index":"","inline_featured_image":false,"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","episode_type":"","audio_file":"https:\/\/mp3.familylife.com\/fl2022-08-03.mp3","podmotor_file_id":"","podmotor_episode_id":"","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"00:","filesize":"23.34M","filesize_raw":"24476887","date_recorded":"","explicit":"","block":""},"categories":[10444,2937],"tags":[2543],"podcast_series":[8546],"cwp_profile":[3300],"series":[2101],"class_list":["post-307531","podcast","type-podcast","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-marriage-advice","category-staying-married","tag-ministry-certificate","podcast_series-ron-deal-familylifes-online-blended-ministry-certificate","cwp_profile-ron-deal","series-familylife-today"],"acf":[],"episode_featured_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg?w=508","episode_player_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2023\/02\/image-scaled.jpg","download_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-download\/307531\/ron-deal-familylifes-online-blended-ministry-certificate-2","player_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-player\/307531\/ron-deal-familylifes-online-blended-ministry-certificate-2","audio_player":null,"episode_data":{"playerMode":"light","subscribeUrls":{"apple_podcasts":{"key":"apple_podcasts","url":"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303?mt=2&app=podcast","label":"Apple Podcasts","class":"apple_podcasts","icon":"apple-podcasts.png"},"google_podcasts":{"key":"google_podcasts","url":"","label":"Google Podcasts","class":"google_podcasts","icon":"google-podcasts.png"},"spotify":{"key":"spotify","url":"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm","label":"Spotify","class":"spotify","icon":"spotify.png"},"youtube":{"key":"youtube","url":"","label":"YouTube","class":"youtube","icon":"youtube.png"}},"rssFeedUrl":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/feed\/podcast\/familylife-today","embedCode":"<blockquote class=\"wp-embedded-content\" data-secret=\"AfcOxfOhRv\"><a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/ron-deal-familylifes-online-blended-ministry-certificate-2\/\">Ron Deal: FamilyLife&#8217;s Online Blended Ministry Certificate<\/a><\/blockquote><iframe sandbox=\"allow-scripts\" security=\"restricted\" src=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/ron-deal-familylifes-online-blended-ministry-certificate-2\/embed\/#?secret=AfcOxfOhRv\" width=\"500\" height=\"350\" title=\"&#8220;Ron Deal: FamilyLife&#8217;s Online Blended Ministry Certificate&#8221; &#8212; FamilyLife\u00ae - A Cru Ministry\" data-secret=\"AfcOxfOhRv\" frameborder=\"0\" marginwidth=\"0\" marginheight=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\" class=\"wp-embedded-content\"><\/iframe><script>\n\/*! This file is auto-generated *\/\n!function(d,l){\"use strict\";l.querySelector&&d.addEventListener&&\"undefined\"!=typeof URL&&(d.wp=d.wp||{},d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage||(d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage=function(e){var t=e.data;if((t||t.secret||t.message||t.value)&&!\/[^a-zA-Z0-9]\/.test(t.secret)){for(var s,r,n,a=l.querySelectorAll('iframe[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),o=l.querySelectorAll('blockquote[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),c=new RegExp(\"^https?:$\",\"i\"),i=0;i<o.length;i++)o[i].style.display=\"none\";for(i=0;i<a.length;i++)s=a[i],e.source===s.contentWindow&&(s.removeAttribute(\"style\"),\"height\"===t.message?(1e3<(r=parseInt(t.value,10))?r=1e3:~~r<200&&(r=200),s.height=r):\"link\"===t.message&&(r=new URL(s.getAttribute(\"src\")),n=new URL(t.value),c.test(n.protocol))&&n.host===r.host&&l.activeElement===s&&(d.top.location.href=t.value))}},d.addEventListener(\"message\",d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage,!1),l.addEventListener(\"DOMContentLoaded\",function(){for(var e,t,s=l.querySelectorAll(\"iframe.wp-embedded-content\"),r=0;r<s.length;r++)(t=(e=s[r]).getAttribute(\"data-secret\"))||(t=Math.random().toString(36).substring(2,12),e.src+=\"#?secret=\"+t,e.setAttribute(\"data-secret\",t)),e.contentWindow.postMessage({message:\"ready\",secret:t},\"*\")},!1)))}(window,document);\n\/\/# sourceURL=https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-includes\/js\/wp-embed.min.js\n<\/script>\n"},"uagb_featured_image_src":{"full":["https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg",508,508,false]},"uagb_author_info":{"display_name":"kfairris@familylife.com","author_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/author\/kfairrisfamilylife-com\/"},"uagb_comment_info":0,"uagb_excerpt":"FamilyLife's self-driven, online ministry certificate course helps you create &amp; sustain thriving stepfamily ministry and lead transformative experiences.","meta_box":{"show_notes":"","transcript_url":"https:\/\/transcript.familylife.com\/fl2022-08-03.pdf","transcript_content":"<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Have you ever done an online course? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes, I have. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Oh, really? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> It was called P90X. [Laughter] \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Do you consider that a course?\u2014kind of; I guess. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> It was; it was years ago. I\u2019m sort of kidding, but I\u2019m not. I remember I became an advocate\/an evangelist for P90X because it was a new way to do workouts; you know? You put it on your screen; you work out with this guy, and it\u2019s a great workout. You have 90 days to see the before and after. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> You\u2019re right. That was kind of new then, but now\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> But I don\u2019t think that is what you are talking about. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> No; I think, now with Covid hitting, that is really pretty common for many people to do an online course. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWelcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>, where we want to help you pursue the relationships that matter most. I\u2019m Ann Wilson.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> And I\u2019m Dave Wilson, and you can find us at FamilyLifeToday.com or on our FamilyLife<sup>\u00ae<\/sup> app.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> If Covid taught us anything: there is a whole different, and new, and great way to do ministry. Online courses became something that people didn\u2019t go: \u201cOh, that\u2019s not as good as a live thing\u201d; they actually went: \u201cWow, it is as good.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u2014and it\u2019s so convenient. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes; we have Ron Deal in the studio, on <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>, talking about some online courses that you are a part of, Ron, who directs our blended ministry with FamilyLife. Ron, welcome back to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Thank you. It\u2019s always good to be with you guys. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> So here is a question for you: \u201cHave you done an online course?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> I have; I\u2019ve done a bunch of them. You know, as a therapist, you need continuing education; and more and more of that is available online these days, so that\u2019s pretty frequent for me. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I just want to know if you can do ten pull ups. [Laughter] \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Um, <em>no<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> So obviously, we\u2019re talking about more like blended courses. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Back to the topic. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> We want to help people get in shape in their relationships. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Exactly! \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes! \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I was setting you up for that. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> That\u2019s what we want to do. FamilyLife has created a number of online courses. Guys, you know how this works: people can log on and, from the convenience of their own home, go through these online courses on-demand. What that means is you can go through it at your pace. You can work a little while at it, and pause, and come back a week later\u2014and you know, you\u2019ve chased kids and done all sorts of things in between\u2014and just pick up where you left off. We\u2019ve [FamilyLife\u2019s] got courses about money; courses about marriage; courses about manhood and what it is to be a husband, leading your family. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe\u2019ve got two courses now specifically on the topic of blended families. One of them is designed for couples; it is called <em>Well-Blended<\/em>, and that is going to help you build your marriage and your family. But the one we are talking about today is called <em>Our Certificate in Blended Family Ministry<\/em>. It is an online course pulled from the best of the best presentations from our annual <em>Summit on Stepfamily Ministry<\/em>\u2014you know, that in-person two-day event we do every fall\u2014where people can come and meet other folks doing stepfamily ministry and learn all about it. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnd we\u2019ve pulled out some of those key\u2014call them the 101 courses, if you will\u2014and bundled them together and created this blended family ministry course. It\u2019s going to help somebody understand the <em>basics<\/em> of ministering to stepfamilies in a local church. We\u2019re going to try to help you think through how you get your ministry started. We\u2019re really excited about this, because not everybody can come to our annual <em>Summit<\/em>. We still want you to do that\u2014because there are things you are going to learn every year; there is new material every fall\u2014but this is really a great place to start. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I remember\u2014I don\u2019t know if you remember, Ron\u2014speaking at that, I think in D.C.\/I think it was near Washington when I spoke. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> That\u2019s right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> And I remember, as I sat in front of those couples in the room, I thought, \u201cMan, they are committed, not just to their blended family, but to training and helping other blended,\u201d\u2014it was a room of people, saying, \u201cI don\u2019t just want to do our family well; I want to help others, and I want to be trained in how to do that.\u201d It was really an equipping thing. So now, you can do this online\u2014perfect! \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Well, and I\u2019ll say, too, we have a woman at church that took the course online with her new husband; and they were blending a family. She was on our staff, and she started this incredible ministry at our church for blended families; it was brand-new. So many people started attending. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tRon, are you saying this course would be for someone like her\u2014like she\u2019s a leader, and she wants to have this ministry\u2014or is this for everyone? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> You\u2019ve got it; it\u2019s really for everyone:\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<ul><li>\n\t\t\t\t\tLay leaders, like this couple that you are talking about: it\u2019s <em>perfect<\/em> for them.\n\t\t\t\t<\/li>\n\t\t\t\t<li>\n\t\t\t\t\tAs well as, I\u2019ve just got to say, all the way up to senior pastors, who are trying to get a vision for the audience they are speaking to every weekend: \u201cWho am I talking to? What are their lives? What are they living, day in and day out? I need to understand that better.\u201d \n\t\t\t\t<\/li>\n\t\t\t\t<li>\n\t\t\t\t\tYouth ministry leaders, children ministry leaders\u2014who are working with kids all the time who are, maybe, in your children\u2019s program once a month because they are moving back and forth between two households\u2014like, \u201cHow can you be sensitive toward that?\u201d \n\t\t\t\t<\/li>\n\t\t\t<\/ul><p>\n\t\t\t\tThat\u2019s the kind of stuff and those are the people who this would be appropriate for. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<ul><li>\n\t\t\t\t\tPremarital counselors: people who are just trying to get a sense of ministering to couples, and families, and individuals in this day and age. \n\t\t\t\t<\/li>\n\t\t\t<\/ul><p>\n\t\t\t\tYou know, it occurs to me, we have to start this series with a theology of stepfamily ministry. That\u2019s important; because we always need to go to the Scriptures and say: \u201cAlright, what do we find here that are principles that will help us move forward in how we minister to people?\u201d One of the messages that we really want to bring to people\u2014we\u2019re going to start with a clip from this message from Pastor Rob Bugh who, at the time, was senior pastor of Wheaton Bible Church in West Chicago. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tA little background before we roll into this clip: his first wife died of cancer. He later married Rhonda, who\u2019s first husband had also died. Then they blended a family of seven kids; so Rob and Rhonda blended a family with seven kids. Now, in the first part of Rob\u2019s presentation, he shares that they had a rough process integrating their family in their home. Like many stepfamilies, they found it harder than they anticipated. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThen he shared some of the stats that we know about stepfamilies: \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<ul><li>\n\t\t\t\t\t40 percent of parents raising kids are blended families; \n\t\t\t\t<\/li>\n\t\t\t\t<li>\n\t\t\t\t\t62 percent of couples in the US, under age 55, have a step relationship with either a stepparent or a stepchild connected to their relationship; \n\t\t\t\t<\/li>\n\t\t\t\t<li>\n\t\t\t\t\tand about a third of all weddings in the US today\u2014at least a third; I think that\u2019s a low estimate\u2014of weddings in the US form blended families. \n\t\t\t\t<\/li>\n\t\t\t<\/ul><p>\n\t\t\t\tHe shared all of that to kind of set up what you are about to hear. Then he begins to make a case for stepfamily ministry. Let\u2019s listen. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t[Excerpt from <em>Our Certificate in Blended Family Ministry<\/em>] \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Rob:<\/strong> So why stepfamily ministry? First, stepfamily life can be hard. Second, it\u2019s a pervasive cultural reality. Now, third, it\u2019s a river of mercy that flows from the fountain of God\u2019s mercy to a world that increasingly wonders if there is any mercy. The God of the Bible is not a single-person God, who like a great uncle, is distant and indifferent. No, the God of the Bible\u2014we know, from the beginning of the Bible through the end of the Bible\u2014is a Triune God: Father, Son, Holy Spirit, who has eternally existed in perfection and majesty as well as compassion and love. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe ask the question: \u201cWhy did this Triune God create the world?\u201d Was it not so the Father could share His love for the Son with others, through the Spirit, so that we, as His people, might share in loving the Father, as the Son loves the Father, by the power of the Holy Spirit that indwells us. This infinite, this unstoppable, this unfailing love\u2014directed toward sinful, fallen human beings\u2014is what the Bible calls mercy. The third reason we give ourselves to stepfamily ministry\u2014the reason we are intentional; we\u2019re sacrificial in stepfamily ministry [because] it\u2019s often tough sledding\/hard going\u2014the reason we give ourselves to this ministry is because it\u2019s a tangible expression of God\u2019s mercy. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t[Studio] \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> There is a truth that you rarely think about. I mean Rob hit it; it\u2019s like: \u201cYes, this is what\/when you minister to families like that, you are a tangible expression of God\u2019s mercy.\u201d That\u2019s a beautiful point. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> I was so struck by his statement: \u201cIt\u2019s a river of mercy to a world that doubts if there is any mercy leftover for anybody.\u201d When we act with God\u2019s love and favor toward other people, we are communicating God\u2019s mercy that He has given to us. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt\u2019s a little odd to me\u2014but on rare occasions, I\u2019ve had somebody say something to me\/something like\u2014\u201cAren\u2019t people in blended families there because of their own sinfulness?\u201d As if to say: \u201cWell, you made your bed. You\u2019re just kind of stuck in it all by yourself; too bad for you.\u201d I don\u2019t really get that; because that\u2019s a person who, on some level, has received God\u2019s mercy; and then is sort of refusing to pass it on to anybody else. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIf we have been touched by His mercy, shouldn\u2019t we want to pay it forward\/to give it others? Micah, Chapter 6, verse 8: \u201cAct justly, love mercy, and walk humbly with your God.\u201d You\u2019re not supposed to just kind of be merciful or tolerate mercy. You\u2019re supposed to <em>love<\/em> mercy, <em>love<\/em> other people, [giving] the same gift that you have received. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tTo me, that is what stepfamily ministry is. We do this in a lot of ways in church work and local church ministry: ministering to people, who are down on their luck financially, or living in hard situations, or got kicked out by a spouse and left destitute, or all kinds of circumstances people find themselves in. We say: \u201cCome. You are welcome here. This is the church; this is the body of Christ. This is where you belong. Imperfect people are welcome here.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWell, that\u2019s what stepfamily ministry is. That\u2019s the theological foundation for it\u2014that we start this certificate course in blended family ministry with just that foundation\u2014that\u2019s what we stand on. That\u2019s what we\u2019re trying to do in a local church, and we go from there. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I remember, Ron, we had this conversation, decades ago, standing on the stage at my church, and apologizing to the blended families; because I had sort of missed that. I was often ministering, in my mind to the married families\u2014to the one-husband\/one-wife, to even singles\u2014and forgetting there is a whole\u2014it\u2019s amazing, because I was in a blended family as a young boy\u2014a good part of our church is a blended family; and often, I\u2019m not speaking to their situation. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou and I talked about that\u2014then, as I sat there at the <em>Summit<\/em> as you are training people how to minister to them\u2014I\u2019m like I put my hand up, like: \u201cTrain me,\u201d because I could be easily one\u2014I didn\u2019t feel like I didn\u2019t want to give them mercy\u2014but I just looked past. I felt like I needed to apologize and say: \u201cI see you, because God sees you. God\u2019s mercy is extended to you.\u201d The way you are going to feel that is when <em>we<\/em>, the people of God, extend that mercy. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhat a beautiful way to start\u2014with the foundational theology\u2014but I\u2019m guessing you get real practical as well. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> We do. The course gets real practical from there. One of the things that we talk about is understanding the basic underlying dynamics of stepfamily living\/of being a blended family. Here is a little clip from a presentation that I often do at our <em>Summits<\/em> called <em>Understanding Stepfamilies 101<\/em>. It basically gives leaders the basics in understanding stepfamily living and how it is different than biological families. It helps people check their assumptions at the door and learn what they need to understand about working with blended families. Let\u2019s listen.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t[Excerpt from <em>Our Certificate in Blended Family Ministry<\/em>] \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Now, what I want to do is I want to spend a little time talking about how stepfamily living is different. Again, I\u2019m trying to show you different points of view about complexity\u2014that\u2019s the whole point of this\u2014is understanding complexity. Let\u2019s talk a little bit about biological families\/traditional families that you\u2019re probably more familiar with, and how stepfamilies can be different from that, just to give you another snapshot. We\u2019ll do a number of these. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDripolator and percolator: \u201cWhat\u2019s that all about?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHave you heard that phrase: \u201cAs goes the marriage, so goes the family\u201d; right?\u2014that makes a lot of sense\u2014that\u2019s a dripolator observation; right? As goes the marriage, it drips down onto the kids\u2014and the parenting, and the process of being a family and doing family life\u2014because you, as the couple, are the leaders\/the guides to the family. If your marriage is struggling, and you\u2019re fighting, and you are at odds with one another\u2014not cooperating\u2014then it drips down onto everybody. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIn stepfamilies, that is true; but it is also true\u2014the percolator\u2014\u201cAs goes the kids and the children, and the parenting, so goes the marriage\u201d; it can go <em>up<\/em>. I wish I had a nickel for every time a couple has said to me, \u201cRon, we get along <em>great<\/em> in our marriage; but when the kids come back from the other home, we fall apart.\u201d That\u2019s percolator, because the kids bring stress\/the kids bring something: if they are feeling\u2014whatever it is\u2014\u201cMom in the other home said so and so\u2026\u201d\u2014now, this kid is coming back; and now, they are being mean to the stepmom. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<ul><li>\n\t\t\t\t\tThe stepmom goes to the husband and says, \u201cWhat do I do?\u201d\n\t\t\t\t<\/li>\n\t\t\t\t<li>\n\t\t\t\t\tThe husband says, \u201cI don\u2019t know; why are you bothering me with this?\u201d \n\t\t\t\t<\/li>\n\t\t\t\t<li>\n\t\t\t\t\t\u201cWell, you are my husband. Why are you not on my side? Could you talk to your daughter?\u201d \n\t\t\t\t<\/li>\n\t\t\t\t<li>\n\t\t\t\t\t\u201cNo, I\u2019m not going to talk to my daughter. That\u2019s an issue between her mother [and her].\u201d \n\t\t\t\t<\/li>\n\t\t\t\t<li>\n\t\t\t\t\t\u201cWell, now, it is an issue between you and me!\u201d \n\t\t\t\t<\/li>\n\t\t\t<\/ul><p>\n\t\t\t\tIt can just go like that. It starts in the other home, ripples through a kid, into the stepparent relationship. The next thing you know: it\u2019s the marriage. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI would even say there is another dynamic: it can go side to side\u2014so top down; bottom up; and between homes\u2014stress can just ripple in a lot of different directions. It <em>always<\/em> ends up in the couple\u2019s marriage, because they are the ones who carry the responsibility to figure things out. That\u2019s <em>hard<\/em> on them; it\u2019s just <em>hard<\/em> on them. Anything we do to come along and help make sense of that\u2014to support them, encourage them, embolden their relationship\/keep them secure with one another\u2014even if they can\u2019t fix anything going on in the other home; but at least, that marriage is holding on\u2014then there is a stabilizing force in the midst of all of that stress. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHere is another assumption that we often have about family life; and that is, that putting the marriage first provides stability and security for the kids. The way we like to say this\u2014have you ever heard: \u201cThe best thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother\u201d? That is based in a systemic understanding of relationships: very true; very insightful. When the father loves the kids\u2019 mother, their marriage sets a climate\/an environment for him to love his children and for the children to grow up in a healthy environment, where they feel safe and secure because mom and dad are together; and they are safe in their relationship; and they are the leaders and backbone of our home. Everything flows very nicely. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut let me ask you this question: \u201cWould it be also true to say that the best thing a stepfather can do for his stepchildren is to love their mother?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t[Studio] \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> That\u2019s a really good question, and I want to know the answer. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Me too! [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shelby:<\/strong> That\u2019s Dave and Ann Wilson with Ron Deal on <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. We\u2019ll hear Ron\u2019s answer in just a minute; but if this conversation about blended families is resonating with you, or it\u2019s something that is personal for you, coming up on \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOctober 13-14, we will be having this year\u2019s <em>Summit on Stepfamily Ministry<\/em>. This year, the focus is on helping ministry leaders better understand loss and grief in blended families. If you want to learn how to come alongside blended families in your church and community, you can find out more at FamilyLifeToday.com. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAlright; now, back to Dave and Ann\u2019s conversation with Ron Deal and whether the best way a stepdad to love his stepchildren is by loving their mother. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> The answer would be: \u201cEventually, yes; the best thing a stepfather can do for his stepchildren is to love their mother\u2014eventually.\u201d That\u2019s a long-term outcome. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIn the beginning, his love for her is potentially a threat to children: \u201cWait a minute! Wait a minute! That\u2019s my mom. I now have to share my mom with <em>you<\/em>. I really don\u2019t mind sharing Mom with my dad, because that is all as it should be\u2014there is a unison there in us being a family\u2014but because Mom and Dad are now divorced, I\u2019m now having to share my mom with somebody, whom I like, but I don\u2019t necessarily love. I don\u2019t really know where you fit in my heart; I don\u2019t understand our new family; so it\u2019s a threat for you to love my mom.\u201d What a totally different dynamic. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThat\u2019s a foundational difference between blended families and first families. This is why, guys\u2014those of us in marriage ministry, like FamilyLife is all about\u2014we\u2019ve got to be careful about the advice that we give and to whom we give it. That standard: \u201cGo date your spouse\u201d thing\u2014\u201cYour kids will be thrilled when you come home happy,\u201d works in biological families, and it <em>can<\/em> work in blended families; but in some blended families\u2014especially new ones, where relationships are fresh and fragile\u2014a happy couple is a threat to me as kid. It has a completely different impact on children. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThat\u2019s why we talk about these unique differences in blended families. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> And I\u2019m so glad you are. As I listened to that\u2014Dave, did you feel this?\u2014man, as leaders at our church, we missed it <em>often<\/em> by not being able to address these issues and, as leaders, knowing <em>how<\/em> to address them. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Yes; makes all the difference, whether it\u2019s taught from the pulpit, or in a marriage class, or a parenting class. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes; so as you are training through this online course, how do you help\u2014[Laughter] I\u2019m laughing because couples like Ann and I that <em>missed<\/em> it\u2014how do you help them see the blended families that they are around every day, and maybe haven\u2019t seen\u2014and now, that maybe they get to see and have a heart for\u2014they need to know: \u201cOkay, how do I minister to them?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> So we\u2019re going to end this course: \u201cTurn the corner.\u201d We are going to start with theology, like we talked about; we\u2019re going to talk a little about the unique dynamics of blended families; and then we are going to say, \u201cPractically, what can you do?\u201d We\u2019re going to turn that corner and say: \u201cAlright; in this case about saying: \u2018Date your spouse and come home happy,\u2019 we\u2019re going to say, \u2018<em>And<\/em> if you\u2019re in a blended family, recognize that that might actually bring a different response from children. Don\u2019t be surprised, when you come home happy, if one of them is feeling a little envious, or a little jealous, or a little put out; and they act up a little bit. Don\u2019t be surprised by that. You didn\u2019t do the wrong thing by going out on a date.\u2019\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhen you just add that little part, all of a sudden, this couple is going: \u201cOh, okay; yes, it\u2019s still the right thing to do. We <em>might<\/em> see a different response from our children: it shouldn\u2019t keep us from dating; it shouldn\u2019t keep us from loving each other. And the kids being aware of that; but we do have to step into that space with children and help them process their emotions.\u201d It\u2019s advice-<em>plus<\/em>, if I could say it that way, to help people. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOne of the big things we want to help church leaders do is just <em>see<\/em> blended families in their church\/recognize that they are there. For years, I have suggested that churches on Mother\u2019s Day use the word, \u201cstepmom,\u201d: \u201cHey, if you are a mom, or a stepmom, or a grandmother, or a foster mom\u2014if you are just volunteering and helping in our children\u2019s ministry program, and you are loving on somebody else\u2019s kid\u2014we want to thank you for the stuff that you do.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tJust use a word like that in a public setting at church goes a long way to <em>affirming<\/em> the stepmothers in the room. All of a sudden, they feel like: \u201cWow; it\u2019s okay to be me and to be here. I\u2019m feeling weird about the day, because my stepchildren\u2014I\u2019m not their mother; they wish they were with their mother\u2014they are here with me. They asked all the moms to stand, and I don\u2019t know if I should stand. Do I earn that position on this day?\u201d It\u2019s an awkward day for a lot of people. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhen you say something from the pulpit, it helps adults; it helps kids. It\u2019s <em>affirming<\/em>; it says to them: \u201cYou belong here.\u201d <em>Little<\/em> things like that are a part of the big picture of doing stepfamily ministry. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes; and it is great, even as you say that, I\u2019m thinking of, at least, 30 years of Mother\u2019s Days that I did as a pastor. I always had on my mind, obviously, the moms\u2014but I always made sure and told all our other teaching pastors: \u201cHey, make sure\/for some people, this is a hard day; their mom has died, so mention that,\u201d\u2014I don\u2019t know if I ever said, \u201cAnd mention stepmoms.\u201d That little thing that you just said is such a little thing, but it is <em>huge<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> I can tell you stories about people who cried, sitting in their church, just hearing that from the pulpit for the very first time, just a passing remark. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> But it affirms: \u201cAlright; we are in the right place. God is with us, and our church is for us.\u201d That is a great, great feeling. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThat\u2019s just the beginning of the practical things that we unpack in this course to help people think about ministry. Of course, people can have classes, or small groups, or an annual weekend retreat for couples. We do <em>Blended &amp; Blessed<\/em><sup>\u00ae<\/sup>, here at FamilyLife, which is a live-stream event, every spring that gives your church a weekend thing to do for your couples, where you don\u2019t have to put it all together; we put the content together. You just get to borrow it, if you will, and use it as an opportunity to minister to couples. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt\u2019s very much a partnership\u2014we, at FamilyLife, want to help to empower you and equip you\u2014we have coaches who can come alongside you for free. As I mentioned earlier, our annual fall <em>Summit on Stepfamily Ministry<\/em> is all about helping you get networked and find the latest resources\u2014what\u2019s new in research\u2014and just connecting with other people, who are also in this space, doing ministry. We\u2019re all about supporting the local church as you love and support families. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I would just add: \u201cWay to go!\u201d Like you said at the beginning, I don\u2019t know if there is anything in the world like this. You would often have to get on a plane or in a car and get to a <em>Summit<\/em>, which is awesome\u2014and still something I would encourage people to do\u2014but if you <em>can\u2019t<\/em>, you can do the next best thing, which is almost the best thing. Do it right in the family room of your home. You could even bring some people over to your house and be trained together through this online course. Way to go; I think it\u2019s great. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Thanks. If you are listening today, and it\u2019s not you\u2014but it\u2019s someone you know and love\u2014tell your pastor, tell your children\u2019s ministry leader about this online course. Get them interested in it. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Thanks, Ron. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shelby:<\/strong> You\u2019ve been listening to Dave and Ann Wilson with Ron Deal on <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. You can learn to better minister to blended families and get the <em>Certificate in Blended Family Ministry<\/em> at FamilyLifeToday.com. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWhile you are there, don\u2019t forget we\u2019ve got a great discount on all small group kits, including <em>The Smart Stepfamily<\/em>. Again, that\u2019s at FamilyLifeToday.com. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, tomorrow, Dave and Ann Wilson meet with Rob Singleton to chat about why social media is a culprit to a loss of our own authenticity. That\u2019s tomorrow. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOn behalf of Dave and Ann Wilson, I\u2019m Shelby Abbott. We will see you back next time for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife, a Cru<sup>\u00ae <\/sup>Ministry. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHelping you pursue the relationships that matter most.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCopyright <sup>\u00a9<\/sup> 2022 FamilyLife. 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