{"id":307525,"date":"2022-07-23T08:02:07","date_gmt":"2022-07-23T12:02:07","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/%series%\/charmaine-porter-addressing-discontent-for-singles\/"},"modified":"2025-01-09T10:43:15","modified_gmt":"2025-01-09T15:43:15","slug":"charmaine-porter-addressing-discontent-for-singles","status":"publish","type":"podcast","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-this-week\/charmaine-porter-addressing-discontent-for-singles\/","title":{"rendered":"Charmaine Porter: Addressing Discontent for Singles"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Charmaine Porter shares candidly with Michelle Hill how she has processed her own discontent with being single, and how the church has&#8211;or has not&#8211;been helpful in her struggle.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Charmaine Porter shares candidly with Michelle Hill how she has processed her own discontent with being single, and how the church has&#8211;or has not&#8211;been helpful in her struggle.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":91,"featured_media":0,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"","_seopress_robots_index":"","inline_featured_image":false,"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","episode_type":"audio","audio_file":"https:\/\/d2c17sq0nj1f7e.cloudfront.net\/flw2022-07-23.mp3","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"00:","filesize":"25.63M","filesize_raw":"26874573","date_recorded":"2022-07-23 08:02:07","explicit":"","block":""},"categories":[2957,2093],"tags":[],"podcast_series":[],"cwp_profile":[9548],"series":[10388],"class_list":["post-307525","podcast","type-podcast","status-publish","hentry","category-singleness","category-women","cwp_profile-charmaine-porter","series-familylife-this-week"],"acf":[],"episode_featured_image":false,"episode_player_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2023\/10\/FLTW-Podcast-Cover-2-1400x1400-1-300x300-1.jpg","download_link":"https:\/\/dts.podtrac.com\/redirect.mp3\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-download\/307525\/charmaine-porter-addressing-discontent-for-singles","player_link":"https:\/\/dts.podtrac.com\/redirect.mp3\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-player\/307525\/charmaine-porter-addressing-discontent-for-singles","audio_player":null,"episode_data":{"playerMode":"light","subscribeUrls":{"apple_podcasts":{"key":"apple_podcasts","url":"","label":"Apple Podcasts","class":"apple_podcasts","icon":"apple-podcasts.png"},"google_podcasts":{"key":"google_podcasts","url":"","label":"Google Podcasts","class":"google_podcasts","icon":"google-podcasts.png"},"spotify":{"key":"spotify","url":"","label":"Spotify","class":"spotify","icon":"spotify.png"},"youtube":{"key":"youtube","url":"","label":"YouTube","class":"youtube","icon":"youtube.png"}},"rssFeedUrl":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/feed\/podcast\/familylife-this-week","embedCode":"<blockquote class=\"wp-embedded-content\" data-secret=\"uzFlJs2n4N\"><a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-this-week\/charmaine-porter-addressing-discontent-for-singles\/\">Charmaine Porter: Addressing Discontent for Singles<\/a><\/blockquote><iframe sandbox=\"allow-scripts\" security=\"restricted\" src=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-this-week\/charmaine-porter-addressing-discontent-for-singles\/embed\/#?secret=uzFlJs2n4N\" width=\"500\" height=\"350\" title=\"&#8220;Charmaine Porter: Addressing Discontent for Singles&#8221; &#8212; FamilyLife\u00ae - A Cru Ministry\" data-secret=\"uzFlJs2n4N\" frameborder=\"0\" marginwidth=\"0\" marginheight=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\" class=\"wp-embedded-content\"><\/iframe><script>\n\/*! This file is auto-generated *\/\n!function(d,l){\"use strict\";l.querySelector&&d.addEventListener&&\"undefined\"!=typeof URL&&(d.wp=d.wp||{},d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage||(d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage=function(e){var t=e.data;if((t||t.secret||t.message||t.value)&&!\/[^a-zA-Z0-9]\/.test(t.secret)){for(var s,r,n,a=l.querySelectorAll('iframe[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),o=l.querySelectorAll('blockquote[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),c=new RegExp(\"^https?:$\",\"i\"),i=0;i<o.length;i++)o[i].style.display=\"none\";for(i=0;i<a.length;i++)s=a[i],e.source===s.contentWindow&&(s.removeAttribute(\"style\"),\"height\"===t.message?(1e3<(r=parseInt(t.value,10))?r=1e3:~~r<200&&(r=200),s.height=r):\"link\"===t.message&&(r=new URL(s.getAttribute(\"src\")),n=new URL(t.value),c.test(n.protocol))&&n.host===r.host&&l.activeElement===s&&(d.top.location.href=t.value))}},d.addEventListener(\"message\",d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage,!1),l.addEventListener(\"DOMContentLoaded\",function(){for(var e,t,s=l.querySelectorAll(\"iframe.wp-embedded-content\"),r=0;r<s.length;r++)(t=(e=s[r]).getAttribute(\"data-secret\"))||(t=Math.random().toString(36).substring(2,12),e.src+=\"#?secret=\"+t,e.setAttribute(\"data-secret\",t)),e.contentWindow.postMessage({message:\"ready\",secret:t},\"*\")},!1)))}(window,document);\n\/\/# sourceURL=https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-includes\/js\/wp-embed.min.js\n<\/script>\n"},"spectra_custom_meta":{"_wp_page_template":["default"],"transcript_url":["https:\/\/transcript.familylife.com\/flw\/flw2022-07-23.pdf"],"audio_file":["https:\/\/d2c17sq0nj1f7e.cloudfront.net\/flw2022-07-23.mp3"],"transcript_content":["<p><strong>Michelle:<\/strong> Like many singles, Charmaine Porter has to overcome a certain perception from her well-meaning married friends and family.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Charmaine:<\/strong> I will come back home to my home church, and they\u2019ll ask me how I am doing. I\u2019ll share: \u201cThe Lord is doing this\u2026\u201d and \u201cI have had this opportunity\u2026\u201d \u201cThis is going on\u2026\u201d I end talking; and they say, \u201cWell, we\u2019re still praying for you to find a husband,\u201d\u2014like I\u2019m missing something\u2014\u201cYou\u2019re doing great. You would be doing <em>better<\/em> if you were married.\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Michelle:<\/strong> You know, sometimes, those well-meaning words or wishes can be received differently than they were intended and <em>can<\/em> contribute to discontentment in a single person\u2019s heart. Today, we\u2019re going to talk about <em>reversing<\/em> that discontentment on this edition on <em>FamilyLife This Week<\/em>.<\/p>\n<p>Welcome to <em>FamilyLife This Week<\/em>. I\u2019m Michelle Hill. A couple of months ago, I met a young lady through Dannah Gresh. You may be familiar with Dannah a little bit. She\u2019s a speaker, author; she\u2019s also a founder of Secret Keeper Girl, which is a ministry to young women. One of the young women who used to speak for Dannah was Charmaine Porter. Charmaine is full of life, and we became fast friends in just a couple of minutes. It was because of commonality that we share in our singleness but, also, the struggle we have to remain content in what God has for us.<\/p>\n<p>[Previous Conversation]<\/p>\n<p><strong>Charmaine:<\/strong> I first had to realize what was keeping me from being content. I think it was a misunderstanding of my singleness and of my relationship status. I <em>never<\/em>, from the Word of God\u2014I\u2019ve <em>never<\/em> felt disqualified, never felt belittled or less than as a single person when it\u2019s just me and Jesus\u2014<em>never ever<\/em> felt that. But in the church, I have.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Michelle:<\/strong> Yes.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Charmaine:<\/strong> In the church, I\u2019ve always felt like: \u201cThey think that something is <em>missing<\/em> because I\u2019m not married.\u201d I didn\u2019t start to look at: \u201cOh, well, the church is the problem; the church is the problem.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>I just started to get deeper into the root of: \u201cWell, what does God actually say about it?\u201d\u2014because <em>He\u2019s<\/em> not making me feel that. \u201cWhat\u2014<em>not<\/em> \u201cWhat are <em>they<\/em> misunderstanding?\u201d\u2014\u201cWhat am <em>I<\/em>, maybe, missing?\u201d I wanted to get deeper\u2014my roots to get deeper in the Word\u2014and not just deeper in what people thought about my singleness.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Michelle:<\/strong> \u2014which is a very mature reaction; because I think a lot of singles\u2014and I know I have fallen into this\u2014where you just sit there, and you think, \u201cBut these people <em>imply<\/em> that I\u2019m less than.\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Charmaine:<\/strong> Yes; so\u2014<\/p>\n<p><strong>Michelle:<\/strong> So all of the sudden, I <em>am<\/em> less than. I remember leaving church, many times, going, \u201cHuh!\u201d And even times, leaving work here, at FamilyLife, going, \u201cI\u2019ve missed the mark, God.\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Charmaine:<\/strong> Yes; don\u2019t get me wrong, Michelle. I\u2019ve <em>definitely<\/em> felt that\/<em>definitely<\/em> felt that. But I have a lot of friends, who would say: \u201cWell, I don\u2019t believe in Jesus anymore,\u201d or \u201cI don\u2019t go to church anymore, because\u2026\u201d\u2014insert the problem with the people.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Michelle:<\/strong> Yes.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Charmaine:<\/strong> I <em>totally<\/em> get that\/<em>totally<\/em> get that, but I could have done the same thing; you know: \u201cWell, the problem is church. Now, I\u2019m mad at the church.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Well, let\u2019s just go back to: \u201cWhat does the One who made the church: what are we actually supposed to be living towards and living for?\u201d Even as I was mentioning earlier, I think that has also helped me, then, get to: \u201cThere just needs to be reeducation.\u201d It\u2019s, maybe, no one\u2019s fault; there\u2019s just been mis-teaching\/misleading. We\u2019ve got to get back to what the Bible is <em>actually<\/em> saying, because that\u2019s going to benefit <em>all<\/em> of us\u2014the singles and the married\u2014the church in general.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Michelle:<\/strong> Right; yes. So as you started digging, and listening to Christ Himself <em>alone<\/em>\u2014and not, as I said, the horizontal\/the people who are talking\u2014as you\u2019re listening to God and focusing on His Word, what did you find?<\/p>\n<p><strong>Charmaine:<\/strong> I first found that singleness <em>is<\/em> a gift.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Michelle:<\/strong> It is a gift <em>I<\/em> want returned.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Charmaine:<\/strong> <em>Right<\/em>. Okay; okay. [Laughter] You know what is funny? When I actually was able to do a talk\u2014Dannah Gresh, her ministry\u2014they do a sexual theology workshop master class. She asked me to talk about singleness, because singles are in the church. Even if you\u2019re married\u2014God forbid; but if your spouse dies before you do\u2014then you\u2019re going to be single <em>again<\/em>; you know?<\/p>\n<p><strong>Michelle:<\/strong> That\u2019s true.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Charmaine:<\/strong> That\u2019s true for my father. He had the gift of marriage for ten years with my mom; and now, for the last, twenty-plus years, he\u2019s had the gift of singleness; you know? So we need to be able to <em>talk<\/em> about this.<\/p>\n<p>I definitely dove into my research <em>then<\/em>. What I found was that <em>kharisma<\/em> is the Greek word for gift. Paul makes a distinction between spiritual gifts\u2014like prophesying, or teaching, or serving\u2014he makes a distinction between those and just, I would say, like objective gifts, which would be eternal life, or singleness, or marriage. On those objective gifts, it\u2019s either you <em>have<\/em> the gift or you don\u2019t. Either you have eternal life, or you don\u2019t have eternal life; either you have the gift of singleness, or you don\u2019t; either you have the gift of marriage, or you don\u2019t.<\/p>\n<p>What also got me is that the Holy Spirit\u2014because those gifts come <em>from<\/em> God\u2014the Holy Spirit is the One who is needed to like help us <em>understand<\/em> those gifts. He\u2019s the One who empowers those gifts. For that gift:<\/p>\n<ul>\n<li>If I just keep it as a gift\u2014like a birthday gift\u2014like if I just leave it on the table, or I say, \u201cI don\u2019t want it; I\u2019m not even going to open it. I don\u2019t even care what it is.\u201d<\/li>\n<li>Or I do open it, and I put it in the back of a closet.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p>Then that is just a very\u2014like a gift is also a passive\u2014it could almost be like a passive thing.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Michelle:<\/strong> Right.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Charmaine:<\/strong> But if we understand that the gift needs to be opened and, inside of it, is a <em>tool<\/em>\u2014it is a tool to be <em>used<\/em>; it is a tool to be discovered; it\u2019s a tool to understand\u2014and it\u2019s all for the purpose of giving God glory.<\/p>\n<p>I think that\u2019s the first thing that I started to really dig into\u2014and really started to say, like\u2014\u201cLord, I want to open up this gift; this is the gift that You\u2019ve given me. Sometimes, yes, Lord, I do want to return it; [Laughter] sometimes, I do just want to kick it to the curb, put it in the back of my closet; but I was <em>made<\/em> for Your glory; that\u2019s what I was made to do. If this is the gift that You\u2019ve given me, then help me to open this up and understand the <em>tool<\/em> that You\u2019ve given me to use as a single person.\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Michelle:<\/strong> Yes; and the tool that can be used so that others\u2014if we are glorifying God, but others are <em>watching<\/em> us; and others are saying, \u201cHey, if she\u2019s happy\/\u2014<\/p>\n<p><strong>Charmaine:<\/strong> Yes.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Michelle:<\/strong> \u2014\u201cshe\u2019s content,\u2014<\/p>\n<p><strong>Charmaine:<\/strong> Yes; yes.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Michelle:<\/strong> \u2014\u201chow do I get that?\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Charmaine:<\/strong> \u201cHow do I get that?\u201d\u2014yes.<\/p>\n<p>I work with students right now in between\u2014they are like 17 to 21 years old\u2014<em>all<\/em> of them, at this moment in time, have the gift of singleness; <em>all<\/em> of them because they are <em>not<\/em> married. That, even, has to be a reeducation of how we even talk about that. I think, when we say \u201cthe gift of singleness,\u201d sometimes, unintentionally, we can stamp people and be like :\u201cWell, you have the gift of singleness now, and you\u2019ll have it forever.\u201d It\u2019s not true; it\u2019s not true.<\/p>\n<p>If I am single, then I have the gift of singleness. If I\u2019m married, then I have the gift of marriage. Both of them are gifts; both of them are equal; both of them are needed. Right now, my students\/they all have the gift of singleness. I hope that they are able to look at me\u2014and my counterpart at my job\u2014he is married; he and his wife have a baby, actually\u2014and I hope that they are able to <em>see<\/em> the body of Christ needs <em>both<\/em>.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Michelle:<\/strong> Yes.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Charmaine:<\/strong> We need people, who are married; we need people, who have kids; we, also, need people, who are single\u2014we need <em>both<\/em> of them\u2014it works best when we\u2019ve got both of them. <em>I<\/em> didn\u2019t say that; the Bible says that. [Laughter]<\/p>\n<p><strong>Michelle:<\/strong> It does work better.<\/p>\n<p>I was reading an excerpt from Rosaria Butterfield\u2019s latest book. When she was talking about single women and singles, she was saying that small groups need to have everyone in them.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Charmaine:<\/strong> Yes.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Michelle:<\/strong> Single women don\u2019t need more single women, and married people don\u2019t need more married people.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Charmaine:<\/strong> Right.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Michelle:<\/strong> We need to have a <em>mixture<\/em>\u2014<\/p>\n<p><strong>Charmaine:<\/strong> Right.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Michelle:<\/strong> \u2014of everyone so that we can be learning, and we can be caring for the body in a better way.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Charmaine:<\/strong> Yes, yes.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Michelle:<\/strong> So what else should we be doing? I\u2019m not saying we need to be on this crusade, but just how else can we <em>softly<\/em> be influencing that singleness <em>is<\/em> good?<\/p>\n<p><strong>Charmaine:<\/strong> Yes; I think, honestly, Michelle, the first thing that is coming to mind right now is letting God define things for us\/letting Him define. He is teaching me this.<\/p>\n<p>It\u2019s not like God is like: \u201cI\u2019m not giving this to you, so how dare you continue to desire this?\u201d I don\u2019t think that He is like that because that would go against His character of being a good Father. I don\u2019t think that He is like that.<\/p>\n<p>I think He\u2019s definitely: \u201cTell Me about it; talk to Me about how hard it is. Tell Me how it\u2019s hard to be in a small group, or in a life group, with other married people when that\u2019s what you want. Tell Me about that. Invite Me into that. Invite Me into \u2018I have made you a human, and your hormones work.\u2019<\/p>\n<p><strong>Michelle:<\/strong> Right.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Charmaine:<\/strong> \u201cTell Me about those lonely nights; tell Me about that. Tell Me about those longings of wanting physical intimacy with a man or with a woman [if you\u2019re a single male]; tell Me about that. Invite Me into that. I\u2019m the God who sent My Son to die.\u201d He rose again so that we <em>could<\/em> have that kind of intimacy with each other, so letting Him define: our idea of good, our idea of family, our idea of even intimacy with Him, intimacy with the body of Christ.<\/p>\n<p>As a single person, I\u2019m learning how to have intimacy with the body of Christ. I\u2019m <em>learning<\/em> how to do that, and it\u2019s <em>hard<\/em>. As a single person, I\u2019m also realizing that: \u201cMan, what if I <em>was<\/em> married? We <em>would<\/em> have some problems in the intimacy department,\u201d\u2014not in the\/I mean, I don\u2019t know physically [Laughter]\u2014but I\u2019m talking more emotionally\u2014<\/p>\n<p><strong>Michelle:<\/strong> Right.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Charmaine:<\/strong> \u2014and mentally. I\u2019m <em>learning<\/em> how to let someone into my heart, and I\u2019m learning how to do that; you know? I didn\u2019t need to be married to learn how to do that.<\/p>\n<p>I think that\u2014when we say: \u201cThis will happen when I get married,\u201d or \u201cThat will happen when I get married,\u201d or \u201cI\u2019ll receive this when I get married,\u201d\u2014then we\u2019re like we are choosing to withhold; we\u2019re choosing to put our hands up against heaven and say, \u201cNo, no; the time is not now.\u201d When heaven is like: \u201cActually, it is. I don\u2019t need you to have this relationship status to have these things. They are here for you to have now.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>It\u2019s not <em>all<\/em> things; there are some things that I won\u2019t experience, because I am single\u2014it\u2019s not <em>all<\/em> things\u2014but I\u2019m going to let heaven\/I\u2019m going to let God define that, not me.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Michelle:<\/strong> I know, as a single, it has taken me a while, in my years\u2014I\u2019m a few years older than you; we\u2019ll just leave it at that\u2014[Laughter]\u2014I\u2019ve noticed how, as I get older and older, I\u2019m realizing I <em>need<\/em> that intimacy; I <em>need<\/em> those deep friends. God may not provide a husband for me\u2014<\/p>\n<p><strong>Charmaine:<\/strong> Right.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Michelle:<\/strong> \u2014and that\u2019s what I\u2019ve been waiting for to have some deep intimacy. There has been a feeling of: \u201cSomething\u2019s not full in my heart yet.\u201d Even though I\u2019ve asked God to fill my heart with <em>Him<\/em>, there is something that\u2019s kind of missing; but when we look in His Word, we realize that two are better than one\u2014that\u2019s <em>not<\/em> just in marriage\u2014that\u2019s in relationships, too; that\u2019s in friendships.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Charmaine:<\/strong> Yes.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Michelle:<\/strong> That\u2019s in others, who are looking around and going, \u201cI can help hold you up right now.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Charmaine:<\/strong> Right.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Michelle:<\/strong> \u201cI can help encourage you.\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Charmaine:<\/strong> Yes.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Michelle:<\/strong> Also, us, looking at others, going: \u201cI need to be encouraging that person,\u201d \u201cI need to be Christ to that person.\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Charmaine:<\/strong> Yes; that\u2019s getting back to letting the Bible define how the body of Christ works, and how spiritual family works, and how intimacy works. You\u2019re letting the Bible define it\u2014not our culture, not our even interpretation of Scripture\u2014but actually: \u201cWhat does the Bible actually say?\u201d \u201cWhat does it <em>actually<\/em> say?\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Michelle:<\/strong> You know, Charmaine, as we\u2019re talking, I\u2019m remembering a picture that I received from my mom just two weeks ago of all of my doll babies that I had received from the time I was a year\u2014when I first received Pink Baby\u2014that\u2019s the only <em>name<\/em> of those babies that remember.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Charmaine:<\/strong> Pink Baby. [Laughter]<\/p>\n<p><strong>Michelle:<\/strong> Pink Baby was very well-loved, and very well-dirtied, and very\/I remember her hair was matted.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Charmaine:<\/strong> Oh, yes.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Michelle:<\/strong> She went with me everywhere; she got drug through mud puddles.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Charmaine:<\/strong> Oh, man. [Laughter]<\/p>\n<p><strong>Michelle:<\/strong> She ended up in a horse yard with me; she ended up <em>everywhere<\/em> with me. My mom\u2014and I think it was just\u2014it\u2019s how <em>her<\/em> mom raised her\u2014<\/p>\n<p><strong>Charmaine:<\/strong> Yes.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Michelle:<\/strong> \u2014but my mom was always like: \u201cOne day, you will have your very own Pink Baby,\u201d\u2014I grew up, just thinking, \u201cOkay, God, that will be the next step.\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Charmaine:<\/strong> Yes.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Michelle:<\/strong> But as I look <em>back<\/em>, and as I\u2019m watching my friends raise <em>their<\/em> children,\u2014<\/p>\n<p><strong>Charmaine:<\/strong> Yes.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Michelle:<\/strong> \u2014and hearing those same promises: \u201cWell, one day, you\u2019ll be a mommy,\u201d\u2014<\/p>\n<p><strong>Charmaine:<\/strong> Right.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Michelle:<\/strong> \u2014or seeing on Facebook<sup>\u00ae<\/sup>: \u201cI\u2019m raising knights who are going to be <em>great<\/em> husbands,\u201d\u2014I just kind of cringe a little bit at that, because it\u2019s been very hard for <em>me<\/em> to not allow those promises to become idols.<\/p>\n<p>[Studio]<\/p>\n<p>That\u2019s Part One with my conversation with Charmaine Porter. We need to take a break; but in two minutes, when we come back, Charmaine and I continue to talk about idols, contentment, and discontentment. Stay tuned.<\/p>\n<p>[Radio Station Spot Break]<\/p>\n<p><strong>Michelle:<\/strong> Welcome back to <em>FamilyLife This Week<\/em>. I\u2019m Michelle Hill. Today, we are talking with Charmaine Porter about singleness and moving from discontentment to contentment. Here\u2019s Part Two of my conversation with Charmaine.<\/p>\n<p>[Previous Conversation]<\/p>\n<p><strong>Charmaine:<\/strong> We don\u2019t reach contentment in anything without Jesus. I can\u2019t reach that on my own: I can\u2019t bare knuckle it; I can\u2019t force myself to do that\u2014we miss that\u2014Philippians 4:13, in the Bible, is actually quoted: \u201cI can do all things through Christ,\u201d in the context of contentment. Paul\u2019s not talking about running a race; he\u2019s not talking about hitting a baseball harder, or faster, or further.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Michelle:<\/strong> Right.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Charmaine:<\/strong> He\u2019s talking about being content\u2014\u201cI can do all things\u201d\u2014I can be content <em>through<\/em> Christ. If we try to reach contentment, in and of ourselves, it <em>won\u2019t<\/em> happen. It\u2019s a gift; it\u2019s something that has to be empowered by the Spirit\/by the Lord.<\/p>\n<p>I\u2019ve experienced Him so very much wanting to help me do that. I\u2019ve experienced some really, really beautiful moments with Him, and Him helping me with that. If singleness is what I have to\u2014I say: \u201chave to endure\u201d or \u201chave to bear with\u201d or \u201ca gift that I have to discover and have a hold of\u201d\u2014in order to get that, I\u2019m okay with that; I really am. I\u2019ve told the Lord that\u2014\u201cLord, that desire is still there. I\u2019m totally okay if you give me that gift of marriage\u2014I really, really am\u2014but if it means exchanging this intimacy that I have with You, I think I would have a hard time with that.\u201d I think I really would.<\/p>\n<p>My mom even said that when she married my dad\u2014my dad says this story a lot\u2014they were <em>married<\/em>, she was like: \u201cYou\u2019ve gotten in between me and Jesus. I don\u2019t know how I feel about that\u201d; you know? [Laughter]<\/p>\n<p><strong>Michelle:<\/strong> Have you and your dad had good discussions around singleness, now that he has been single for quite a while?<\/p>\n<p><strong>Charmaine:<\/strong> Yes and no; yes and no. My mom, I believe, was my dad\u2019s soul mate; you know? I don\u2019t use that term lightly at all; but she was exactly what my dad needed\/what the Lord had for both of them. Unfortunately, they only had ten years of marriage.<\/p>\n<p>I do know that, when I was growing up\u2014remembering seeing how they were together, and then seeing my dad without her\u2014I remember telling my dad, I was like, \u201cI would just much rather <em>not<\/em> be married\u2014and not ever have that kind of love\/ever have that kind of experience\u2014and then have it taken away.\u201d My dad so lovingly, he was like, \u201cI get that Charmaine. I get how that looks and how\u2014I can imagine how you would think it would feel\u2014but I\u2019m actually praying the <em>opposite<\/em>.\u201d [Laughter] He\u2019s like, \u201cI\u2019m praying that, if it be the Lord\u2019s will, that you would be able to experience that kind of love and that kind of intimacy.\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Michelle:<\/strong> What is something, that people say to you, that you wish was reframed?<\/p>\n<p><strong>Charmaine:<\/strong> I think it\u2019s the comment that I get\u2014usually, I\u2019ll go home to my home church\u2014the church that I grew up in; and I mean, I\u2019ve been in church since I was a fetus. I\u2019ve been in church my <em>whole<\/em> life\/whole life. [Laughter] I grew up knowing Jesus just as well as I knew my parents, kind of thing. I got saved when I was six.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Michelle:<\/strong> He was your first word. [Laughter]<\/p>\n<p><strong>Charmaine:<\/strong> Exactly; exactly. So these people\u2014they <em>know<\/em> me; they <em>know<\/em> me\u2014they\u2019ll be like\u2014\u201cOh, baby,\u201d\u2014at me.<\/p>\n<p>I\u2019ll come back home to my home church, and they\u2019ll ask me how I\u2019m doing. I\u2019ll share\/I\u2019m like: \u201cThe Lord is doing this\u2026\u201d \u201cI\u2019ve had this opportunity\u2026\u201d \u201cThis is going on\u2026\u201d They\u2019ll listen; and it seems like\u2014maybe, it\u2019s just my experience of them\u2014but it seems like their eyes are really excited; and then, they kind of just glaze over. I end talking, and they say, \u201cWell, we\u2019re still praying for you to find a husband. We\u2019re still praying for that.\u201d [Laughter] I\u2019ve gotten <em>mad<\/em> about that; I\u2019ve gotten <em>sad<\/em> about that; I\u2019ve gotten <em>depressed<\/em> about that. I\u2019ve had <em>all<\/em> the emotions of it, because it happens <em>frequently<\/em>. [Laughter]<\/p>\n<p><strong>Michelle:<\/strong> I start questioning whether or not God\u2019s answering <em>their<\/em> prayers. [Laughter]<\/p>\n<p><strong>Charmaine:<\/strong> Right; right. It\u2019s like: \u201cWell, Lord, if they are praying, then what?\u2014that clock, Jesus; what\u2019s going on up there?\u201d; you know? I wish that they could know, on my end, what I experience when I hear that\/when I hear that response back after I\u2019ve shared <em>all<\/em> of what the Lord is doing and all of what I\u2019m enjoying in life. It seems like their question back is saying, \u201cYou\u2019re doing great. You would be doing <em>better<\/em> if you were married.\u201d Their comment back to me seems like I\u2019m <em>missing<\/em> something, that there is no way that I really could be content.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Michelle:<\/strong> That\u2019s good.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Charmaine:<\/strong> I would also encourage these conversations of: \u201cCould it be possible that the Lord\u2019s will isn\u2019t for everyone to get married?\u201d There are a lot of <em>assuming<\/em> that we put on comments, like: \u201c<em>When<\/em> you get married\u2026\u201d or \u201c<em>When<\/em> you have kids\u2026\u201d There is a lot of assumption that we put on that. So just change that word, \u201cwhen,\u201d to \u201cif\u201d\u2014just something as simple as if\u2014\u201c<em>If<\/em> you get married\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n<p>People tell me, too, all the time, like: \u201cYou\u2019re great with kids. That will come in handy when you get married.\u201d Or I could just be good with kids\u2014and: \u201cHey, that\u2019s awesome; because kids like you, I bet;\u2014<\/p>\n<p><strong>Michelle:<\/strong> Right.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Charmaine: <\/strong>\u201cthat\u2019s cool\u201d; you know? [Laughter]<\/p>\n<p><strong>Michelle:<\/strong> \u201cThat\u2019s one of your gifts,\u201d\u2014you know, pointing that out\u2014\u201cHey, God has given you this <em>great<\/em> gift of being able to work with kids.\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Charmaine:<\/strong> Yes, yes; \u201cI see God in that; that\u2019s wonderful\u201d\u2014period.<\/p>\n<p>Someone mentioned: \u201cWhoa, you do your own taxes? That\u2019s cool. Your husband is going to really appreciate that\u201d; or [realize] I\u2019m just a good citizen of the country that I live in, and I\u2019m able to take care of myself; you know? [Laughter] My sister\/she mentioned, she\u2019s like, \u201cIf I have kids, I\u2019m going to teach my <em>boys<\/em> how to cook. It\u2019s not because I want them to do anything for their wife; it\u2019s just: \u2018You\u2019re a human, and I want you to be able to take care of yourself when you get older.\u2019\u201d I was like, \u201cYes! Sarah, that\u2019s the way\u201d; you know? [Laughter]<\/p>\n<p><strong>Michelle:<\/strong> That\u2019s exactly it; yes.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Charmaine:<\/strong> Yes.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Michelle:<\/strong> What is another way\u2014or what are some ways\u2014that the church could really help singles?<\/p>\n<p><strong>Charmaine:<\/strong> I\u2019m a part of a life group, down in Southwest Georgia, where I live. I <em>love<\/em> my life group because there are married people; there are single people; there are older people; there are new believers; there are old believers, new and older in the faith. The diversity of it is <em>absolutely<\/em> amazing\u2014white people, black people\u2014it\u2019s just\/it\u2019s <em>beautiful<\/em>. You get a beautiful, beautiful picture of\u2014not just how heaven is going to be\u2014but how heaven can be brought down to earth <em>now<\/em>: \u201cYour will be done on earth as it is in heaven.\u201d That could happen <em>now<\/em>.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Michelle:<\/strong> Yes.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Charmaine:<\/strong> We see a picture of, I think, God\u2019s goal and idea of what His body\u2014what He wants His body to look like: when we have singles, when we have marrieds, when we have people with kids\/people without kids, when we have older\/younger, when we just have that diversity\u2014we see: \u201cMan, we need <em>all<\/em> of this to work and to do what the Lord is asking us to do here, on this earth, which is to bring His glory.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>You mentioned this earlier\u2014have single events\/events just for singles\u2014because there are certain things that, maybe, singles just understand. But don\u2019t just put them out on the pasture kind of thing. And then, when you have those meetings with just singles\u2014for all that is good and holy\u2014please try not to make it just a dating service. [Laughter] Oh, my goodness! There is just so much pressure that comes with that; it just ends up being <em>awkward<\/em>. It <em>doesn\u2019t<\/em> help with the\u2014\u201cMy brother, you are an image bearer; you are <em>not<\/em> here to affirm <em>me<\/em> of being enough,\u201d\u2014like\u2014\u201cI\u2019m woman enough with and without you.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Michelle:<\/strong> Right.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Charmaine:<\/strong> \u2014\u201cI am complete in Christ with and without you. I love you\u2014you\u2019re an image bearer\u2014you\u2019re <em>not<\/em> an ego booster.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>I think, unintentionally, we set people up for those kinds of things\u2014<\/p>\n<p><strong>Michelle:<\/strong> Right.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Charmaine:<\/strong> \u2014when we do that.<\/p>\n<p>And then, please do your due diligence to teach what the Bible <em>actually<\/em> says. I <em>hate<\/em> to think that we\u2019re setting people up to be discontented and even <em>angry<\/em> with God because we\u2019re teaching that God is promising things that He <em>never<\/em> promised. His promises are good, in and of, themselves. We don\u2019t have to twist them or stretch them to make them good\u2014they are\u2014they just are, so <em>teach<\/em> what they say.<\/p>\n<p>We don\u2019t want to disappoint people\u2014I get that\u2014<em>I<\/em> don\u2019t want to disappoint people. But the best way for me to believe that I\u2019m not disappointing people is to stand firm on the Word of God. It\u2019s hard; I\u2019m not saying that I\u2019m excellent and that I do it all the time. It\u2019s very, very hard.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Michelle:<\/strong> It is hard.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Charmaine:<\/strong> Someone who does this well, I believe, is Jackie Hill Perry. She just has this beautiful gift it seems like of just saying what the Word of God says. I follow her on Instagram<sup>\u00ae<\/sup>. I\u2019m like, \u201cShe said what?!\u201d She\u2019s like, \u201cThis is what the Word of God says, and I\u2019m not going to apologize for it.\u201d I think that\u2019s what we need\u2014is to get back to what the Word <em>actually<\/em> says\u2014because that\u2019s how we\u2019re going to help people; that\u2019s how we\u2019re going to reeducate; that\u2019s how we\u2019re going to get people, who are more about God\u2019s glory than about a relationship status.<\/p>\n<p>[Studio]<\/p>\n<p><strong>Michelle:<\/strong> That was my conversation with Charmaine Porter. Just as Charmaine was saying, that\u2019s what life is all about\u2014it\u2019s getting back to the Word\u2014it\u2019s not about a status. It\u2019s not about a status on Facebook<sup>\u00ae<\/sup>, or Instagram, or wherever else we happen to think it lies; it\u2019s about getting back to the Word.<\/p>\n<p>You know, over the last several months, we\u2019ve been talking about discontentment. Today, we\u2019re talking about contentment in singleness; but we\u2019ve also talked about contentment in marriage and in parenting. We\u2019ll have a link to those broadcasts on our website; that\u2019s at FamilyLifeThisWeek.com. There is also a <em>great<\/em> article there to help married friends understand how to help the singles in their life. It\u2019s a <em>great<\/em> article by a young single writer, here, on staff; that\u2019s at FamilyLifeThisWeek.com.<\/p>\n<p>I have a question for you: \u201cHow often do you clear your conscience?\u201d and \u201cDo you really ever need to clear your conscience?\u201d We\u2019re going to explore the freedom of a clear conscience, before God and others, and hear from Erwin Lutzer and other great Bible thinkers. Hope you can join us for that; that\u2019s next week on <em>FamilyLife This Week<\/em>.<\/p>\n<p>Hey, thanks for listening! I appreciate you taking time out of your day to\u2014well, I won\u2019t say, \u201cListen to me ramble on\u201d; because Charmaine Porter had some really good points to make\u2014but I want to thank you for listening. I want to thank the president of FamilyLife<sup>\u00ae<\/sup>, David Robbins, along with our station partners around the country. A big \u201cThank you!\u201d to our engineer today, Bruce Goff. Thanks to our producers, Marques Holt and Bruce Goff. Justin Adams is our mastering engineer, and Megan Martin is our production coordinator, and Meredith Empie is our production intern.<\/p>\n<p>Our program is a production of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>, and our mission is to effectively develop godly families who change the world one home at a time.<\/p>\n<p>I'm Michelle Hill, inviting you to join us again next time for another edition of <em>FamilyLife This Week.<\/em><\/p>\n<p><strong>\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>We are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?<\/p>\n<p>Copyright <sup>\u00a9<\/sup> 2022 FamilyLife. 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Porter shares candidly with Michelle Hill how she has processed her own discontent with being single, and how the church has--or has not--been helpful in her struggle.","meta_box":{"show_notes":"","transcript_url":"https:\/\/transcript.familylife.com\/flw\/flw2022-07-23.pdf","transcript_content":"<p><strong>Michelle:<\/strong> Like many singles, Charmaine Porter has to overcome a certain perception from her well-meaning married friends and family.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Charmaine:<\/strong> I will come back home to my home church, and they\u2019ll ask me how I am doing. I\u2019ll share: \u201cThe Lord is doing this\u2026\u201d and \u201cI have had this opportunity\u2026\u201d \u201cThis is going on\u2026\u201d I end talking; and they say, \u201cWell, we\u2019re still praying for you to find a husband,\u201d\u2014like I\u2019m missing something\u2014\u201cYou\u2019re doing great. You would be doing <em>better<\/em> if you were married.\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Michelle:<\/strong> You know, sometimes, those well-meaning words or wishes can be received differently than they were intended and <em>can<\/em> contribute to discontentment in a single person\u2019s heart. Today, we\u2019re going to talk about <em>reversing<\/em> that discontentment on this edition on <em>FamilyLife This Week<\/em>.<\/p>\n<p>Welcome to <em>FamilyLife This Week<\/em>. I\u2019m Michelle Hill. A couple of months ago, I met a young lady through Dannah Gresh. You may be familiar with Dannah a little bit. She\u2019s a speaker, author; she\u2019s also a founder of Secret Keeper Girl, which is a ministry to young women. One of the young women who used to speak for Dannah was Charmaine Porter. Charmaine is full of life, and we became fast friends in just a couple of minutes. It was because of commonality that we share in our singleness but, also, the struggle we have to remain content in what God has for us.<\/p>\n<p>[Previous Conversation]<\/p>\n<p><strong>Charmaine:<\/strong> I first had to realize what was keeping me from being content. I think it was a misunderstanding of my singleness and of my relationship status. I <em>never<\/em>, from the Word of God\u2014I\u2019ve <em>never<\/em> felt disqualified, never felt belittled or less than as a single person when it\u2019s just me and Jesus\u2014<em>never ever<\/em> felt that. But in the church, I have.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Michelle:<\/strong> Yes.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Charmaine:<\/strong> In the church, I\u2019ve always felt like: \u201cThey think that something is <em>missing<\/em> because I\u2019m not married.\u201d I didn\u2019t start to look at: \u201cOh, well, the church is the problem; the church is the problem.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>I just started to get deeper into the root of: \u201cWell, what does God actually say about it?\u201d\u2014because <em>He\u2019s<\/em> not making me feel that. \u201cWhat\u2014<em>not<\/em> \u201cWhat are <em>they<\/em> misunderstanding?\u201d\u2014\u201cWhat am <em>I<\/em>, maybe, missing?\u201d I wanted to get deeper\u2014my roots to get deeper in the Word\u2014and not just deeper in what people thought about my singleness.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Michelle:<\/strong> \u2014which is a very mature reaction; because I think a lot of singles\u2014and I know I have fallen into this\u2014where you just sit there, and you think, \u201cBut these people <em>imply<\/em> that I\u2019m less than.\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Charmaine:<\/strong> Yes; so\u2014<\/p>\n<p><strong>Michelle:<\/strong> So all of the sudden, I <em>am<\/em> less than. I remember leaving church, many times, going, \u201cHuh!\u201d And even times, leaving work here, at FamilyLife, going, \u201cI\u2019ve missed the mark, God.\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Charmaine:<\/strong> Yes; don\u2019t get me wrong, Michelle. I\u2019ve <em>definitely<\/em> felt that\/<em>definitely<\/em> felt that. But I have a lot of friends, who would say: \u201cWell, I don\u2019t believe in Jesus anymore,\u201d or \u201cI don\u2019t go to church anymore, because\u2026\u201d\u2014insert the problem with the people.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Michelle:<\/strong> Yes.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Charmaine:<\/strong> I <em>totally<\/em> get that\/<em>totally<\/em> get that, but I could have done the same thing; you know: \u201cWell, the problem is church. Now, I\u2019m mad at the church.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Well, let\u2019s just go back to: \u201cWhat does the One who made the church: what are we actually supposed to be living towards and living for?\u201d Even as I was mentioning earlier, I think that has also helped me, then, get to: \u201cThere just needs to be reeducation.\u201d It\u2019s, maybe, no one\u2019s fault; there\u2019s just been mis-teaching\/misleading. We\u2019ve got to get back to what the Bible is <em>actually<\/em> saying, because that\u2019s going to benefit <em>all<\/em> of us\u2014the singles and the married\u2014the church in general.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Michelle:<\/strong> Right; yes. So as you started digging, and listening to Christ Himself <em>alone<\/em>\u2014and not, as I said, the horizontal\/the people who are talking\u2014as you\u2019re listening to God and focusing on His Word, what did you find?<\/p>\n<p><strong>Charmaine:<\/strong> I first found that singleness <em>is<\/em> a gift.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Michelle:<\/strong> It is a gift <em>I<\/em> want returned.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Charmaine:<\/strong> <em>Right<\/em>. Okay; okay. [Laughter] You know what is funny? When I actually was able to do a talk\u2014Dannah Gresh, her ministry\u2014they do a sexual theology workshop master class. She asked me to talk about singleness, because singles are in the church. Even if you\u2019re married\u2014God forbid; but if your spouse dies before you do\u2014then you\u2019re going to be single <em>again<\/em>; you know?<\/p>\n<p><strong>Michelle:<\/strong> That\u2019s true.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Charmaine:<\/strong> That\u2019s true for my father. He had the gift of marriage for ten years with my mom; and now, for the last, twenty-plus years, he\u2019s had the gift of singleness; you know? So we need to be able to <em>talk<\/em> about this.<\/p>\n<p>I definitely dove into my research <em>then<\/em>. What I found was that <em>kharisma<\/em> is the Greek word for gift. Paul makes a distinction between spiritual gifts\u2014like prophesying, or teaching, or serving\u2014he makes a distinction between those and just, I would say, like objective gifts, which would be eternal life, or singleness, or marriage. On those objective gifts, it\u2019s either you <em>have<\/em> the gift or you don\u2019t. Either you have eternal life, or you don\u2019t have eternal life; either you have the gift of singleness, or you don\u2019t; either you have the gift of marriage, or you don\u2019t.<\/p>\n<p>What also got me is that the Holy Spirit\u2014because those gifts come <em>from<\/em> God\u2014the Holy Spirit is the One who is needed to like help us <em>understand<\/em> those gifts. He\u2019s the One who empowers those gifts. For that gift:<\/p>\n<ul>\n<li>If I just keep it as a gift\u2014like a birthday gift\u2014like if I just leave it on the table, or I say, \u201cI don\u2019t want it; I\u2019m not even going to open it. I don\u2019t even care what it is.\u201d<\/li>\n<li>Or I do open it, and I put it in the back of a closet.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p>Then that is just a very\u2014like a gift is also a passive\u2014it could almost be like a passive thing.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Michelle:<\/strong> Right.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Charmaine:<\/strong> But if we understand that the gift needs to be opened and, inside of it, is a <em>tool<\/em>\u2014it is a tool to be <em>used<\/em>; it is a tool to be discovered; it\u2019s a tool to understand\u2014and it\u2019s all for the purpose of giving God glory.<\/p>\n<p>I think that\u2019s the first thing that I started to really dig into\u2014and really started to say, like\u2014\u201cLord, I want to open up this gift; this is the gift that You\u2019ve given me. Sometimes, yes, Lord, I do want to return it; [Laughter] sometimes, I do just want to kick it to the curb, put it in the back of my closet; but I was <em>made<\/em> for Your glory; that\u2019s what I was made to do. If this is the gift that You\u2019ve given me, then help me to open this up and understand the <em>tool<\/em> that You\u2019ve given me to use as a single person.\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Michelle:<\/strong> Yes; and the tool that can be used so that others\u2014if we are glorifying God, but others are <em>watching<\/em> us; and others are saying, \u201cHey, if she\u2019s happy\/\u2014<\/p>\n<p><strong>Charmaine:<\/strong> Yes.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Michelle:<\/strong> \u2014\u201cshe\u2019s content,\u2014<\/p>\n<p><strong>Charmaine:<\/strong> Yes; yes.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Michelle:<\/strong> \u2014\u201chow do I get that?\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Charmaine:<\/strong> \u201cHow do I get that?\u201d\u2014yes.<\/p>\n<p>I work with students right now in between\u2014they are like 17 to 21 years old\u2014<em>all<\/em> of them, at this moment in time, have the gift of singleness; <em>all<\/em> of them because they are <em>not<\/em> married. That, even, has to be a reeducation of how we even talk about that. I think, when we say \u201cthe gift of singleness,\u201d sometimes, unintentionally, we can stamp people and be like :\u201cWell, you have the gift of singleness now, and you\u2019ll have it forever.\u201d It\u2019s not true; it\u2019s not true.<\/p>\n<p>If I am single, then I have the gift of singleness. If I\u2019m married, then I have the gift of marriage. Both of them are gifts; both of them are equal; both of them are needed. Right now, my students\/they all have the gift of singleness. I hope that they are able to look at me\u2014and my counterpart at my job\u2014he is married; he and his wife have a baby, actually\u2014and I hope that they are able to <em>see<\/em> the body of Christ needs <em>both<\/em>.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Michelle:<\/strong> Yes.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Charmaine:<\/strong> We need people, who are married; we need people, who have kids; we, also, need people, who are single\u2014we need <em>both<\/em> of them\u2014it works best when we\u2019ve got both of them. <em>I<\/em> didn\u2019t say that; the Bible says that. [Laughter]<\/p>\n<p><strong>Michelle:<\/strong> It does work better.<\/p>\n<p>I was reading an excerpt from Rosaria Butterfield\u2019s latest book. When she was talking about single women and singles, she was saying that small groups need to have everyone in them.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Charmaine:<\/strong> Yes.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Michelle:<\/strong> Single women don\u2019t need more single women, and married people don\u2019t need more married people.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Charmaine:<\/strong> Right.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Michelle:<\/strong> We need to have a <em>mixture<\/em>\u2014<\/p>\n<p><strong>Charmaine:<\/strong> Right.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Michelle:<\/strong> \u2014of everyone so that we can be learning, and we can be caring for the body in a better way.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Charmaine:<\/strong> Yes, yes.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Michelle:<\/strong> So what else should we be doing? I\u2019m not saying we need to be on this crusade, but just how else can we <em>softly<\/em> be influencing that singleness <em>is<\/em> good?<\/p>\n<p><strong>Charmaine:<\/strong> Yes; I think, honestly, Michelle, the first thing that is coming to mind right now is letting God define things for us\/letting Him define. He is teaching me this.<\/p>\n<p>It\u2019s not like God is like: \u201cI\u2019m not giving this to you, so how dare you continue to desire this?\u201d I don\u2019t think that He is like that because that would go against His character of being a good Father. I don\u2019t think that He is like that.<\/p>\n<p>I think He\u2019s definitely: \u201cTell Me about it; talk to Me about how hard it is. Tell Me how it\u2019s hard to be in a small group, or in a life group, with other married people when that\u2019s what you want. Tell Me about that. Invite Me into that. Invite Me into \u2018I have made you a human, and your hormones work.\u2019<\/p>\n<p><strong>Michelle:<\/strong> Right.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Charmaine:<\/strong> \u201cTell Me about those lonely nights; tell Me about that. Tell Me about those longings of wanting physical intimacy with a man or with a woman [if you\u2019re a single male]; tell Me about that. Invite Me into that. I\u2019m the God who sent My Son to die.\u201d He rose again so that we <em>could<\/em> have that kind of intimacy with each other, so letting Him define: our idea of good, our idea of family, our idea of even intimacy with Him, intimacy with the body of Christ.<\/p>\n<p>As a single person, I\u2019m learning how to have intimacy with the body of Christ. I\u2019m <em>learning<\/em> how to do that, and it\u2019s <em>hard<\/em>. As a single person, I\u2019m also realizing that: \u201cMan, what if I <em>was<\/em> married? We <em>would<\/em> have some problems in the intimacy department,\u201d\u2014not in the\/I mean, I don\u2019t know physically [Laughter]\u2014but I\u2019m talking more emotionally\u2014<\/p>\n<p><strong>Michelle:<\/strong> Right.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Charmaine:<\/strong> \u2014and mentally. I\u2019m <em>learning<\/em> how to let someone into my heart, and I\u2019m learning how to do that; you know? I didn\u2019t need to be married to learn how to do that.<\/p>\n<p>I think that\u2014when we say: \u201cThis will happen when I get married,\u201d or \u201cThat will happen when I get married,\u201d or \u201cI\u2019ll receive this when I get married,\u201d\u2014then we\u2019re like we are choosing to withhold; we\u2019re choosing to put our hands up against heaven and say, \u201cNo, no; the time is not now.\u201d When heaven is like: \u201cActually, it is. I don\u2019t need you to have this relationship status to have these things. They are here for you to have now.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>It\u2019s not <em>all<\/em> things; there are some things that I won\u2019t experience, because I am single\u2014it\u2019s not <em>all<\/em> things\u2014but I\u2019m going to let heaven\/I\u2019m going to let God define that, not me.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Michelle:<\/strong> I know, as a single, it has taken me a while, in my years\u2014I\u2019m a few years older than you; we\u2019ll just leave it at that\u2014[Laughter]\u2014I\u2019ve noticed how, as I get older and older, I\u2019m realizing I <em>need<\/em> that intimacy; I <em>need<\/em> those deep friends. God may not provide a husband for me\u2014<\/p>\n<p><strong>Charmaine:<\/strong> Right.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Michelle:<\/strong> \u2014and that\u2019s what I\u2019ve been waiting for to have some deep intimacy. There has been a feeling of: \u201cSomething\u2019s not full in my heart yet.\u201d Even though I\u2019ve asked God to fill my heart with <em>Him<\/em>, there is something that\u2019s kind of missing; but when we look in His Word, we realize that two are better than one\u2014that\u2019s <em>not<\/em> just in marriage\u2014that\u2019s in relationships, too; that\u2019s in friendships.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Charmaine:<\/strong> Yes.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Michelle:<\/strong> That\u2019s in others, who are looking around and going, \u201cI can help hold you up right now.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Charmaine:<\/strong> Right.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Michelle:<\/strong> \u201cI can help encourage you.\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Charmaine:<\/strong> Yes.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Michelle:<\/strong> Also, us, looking at others, going: \u201cI need to be encouraging that person,\u201d \u201cI need to be Christ to that person.\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Charmaine:<\/strong> Yes; that\u2019s getting back to letting the Bible define how the body of Christ works, and how spiritual family works, and how intimacy works. You\u2019re letting the Bible define it\u2014not our culture, not our even interpretation of Scripture\u2014but actually: \u201cWhat does the Bible actually say?\u201d \u201cWhat does it <em>actually<\/em> say?\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Michelle:<\/strong> You know, Charmaine, as we\u2019re talking, I\u2019m remembering a picture that I received from my mom just two weeks ago of all of my doll babies that I had received from the time I was a year\u2014when I first received Pink Baby\u2014that\u2019s the only <em>name<\/em> of those babies that remember.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Charmaine:<\/strong> Pink Baby. [Laughter]<\/p>\n<p><strong>Michelle:<\/strong> Pink Baby was very well-loved, and very well-dirtied, and very\/I remember her hair was matted.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Charmaine:<\/strong> Oh, yes.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Michelle:<\/strong> She went with me everywhere; she got drug through mud puddles.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Charmaine:<\/strong> Oh, man. [Laughter]<\/p>\n<p><strong>Michelle:<\/strong> She ended up in a horse yard with me; she ended up <em>everywhere<\/em> with me. My mom\u2014and I think it was just\u2014it\u2019s how <em>her<\/em> mom raised her\u2014<\/p>\n<p><strong>Charmaine:<\/strong> Yes.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Michelle:<\/strong> \u2014but my mom was always like: \u201cOne day, you will have your very own Pink Baby,\u201d\u2014I grew up, just thinking, \u201cOkay, God, that will be the next step.\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Charmaine:<\/strong> Yes.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Michelle:<\/strong> But as I look <em>back<\/em>, and as I\u2019m watching my friends raise <em>their<\/em> children,\u2014<\/p>\n<p><strong>Charmaine:<\/strong> Yes.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Michelle:<\/strong> \u2014and hearing those same promises: \u201cWell, one day, you\u2019ll be a mommy,\u201d\u2014<\/p>\n<p><strong>Charmaine:<\/strong> Right.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Michelle:<\/strong> \u2014or seeing on Facebook<sup>\u00ae<\/sup>: \u201cI\u2019m raising knights who are going to be <em>great<\/em> husbands,\u201d\u2014I just kind of cringe a little bit at that, because it\u2019s been very hard for <em>me<\/em> to not allow those promises to become idols.<\/p>\n<p>[Studio]<\/p>\n<p>That\u2019s Part One with my conversation with Charmaine Porter. We need to take a break; but in two minutes, when we come back, Charmaine and I continue to talk about idols, contentment, and discontentment. Stay tuned.<\/p>\n<p>[Radio Station Spot Break]<\/p>\n<p><strong>Michelle:<\/strong> Welcome back to <em>FamilyLife This Week<\/em>. I\u2019m Michelle Hill. Today, we are talking with Charmaine Porter about singleness and moving from discontentment to contentment. Here\u2019s Part Two of my conversation with Charmaine.<\/p>\n<p>[Previous Conversation]<\/p>\n<p><strong>Charmaine:<\/strong> We don\u2019t reach contentment in anything without Jesus. I can\u2019t reach that on my own: I can\u2019t bare knuckle it; I can\u2019t force myself to do that\u2014we miss that\u2014Philippians 4:13, in the Bible, is actually quoted: \u201cI can do all things through Christ,\u201d in the context of contentment. Paul\u2019s not talking about running a race; he\u2019s not talking about hitting a baseball harder, or faster, or further.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Michelle:<\/strong> Right.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Charmaine:<\/strong> He\u2019s talking about being content\u2014\u201cI can do all things\u201d\u2014I can be content <em>through<\/em> Christ. If we try to reach contentment, in and of ourselves, it <em>won\u2019t<\/em> happen. It\u2019s a gift; it\u2019s something that has to be empowered by the Spirit\/by the Lord.<\/p>\n<p>I\u2019ve experienced Him so very much wanting to help me do that. I\u2019ve experienced some really, really beautiful moments with Him, and Him helping me with that. If singleness is what I have to\u2014I say: \u201chave to endure\u201d or \u201chave to bear with\u201d or \u201ca gift that I have to discover and have a hold of\u201d\u2014in order to get that, I\u2019m okay with that; I really am. I\u2019ve told the Lord that\u2014\u201cLord, that desire is still there. I\u2019m totally okay if you give me that gift of marriage\u2014I really, really am\u2014but if it means exchanging this intimacy that I have with You, I think I would have a hard time with that.\u201d I think I really would.<\/p>\n<p>My mom even said that when she married my dad\u2014my dad says this story a lot\u2014they were <em>married<\/em>, she was like: \u201cYou\u2019ve gotten in between me and Jesus. I don\u2019t know how I feel about that\u201d; you know? [Laughter]<\/p>\n<p><strong>Michelle:<\/strong> Have you and your dad had good discussions around singleness, now that he has been single for quite a while?<\/p>\n<p><strong>Charmaine:<\/strong> Yes and no; yes and no. My mom, I believe, was my dad\u2019s soul mate; you know? I don\u2019t use that term lightly at all; but she was exactly what my dad needed\/what the Lord had for both of them. Unfortunately, they only had ten years of marriage.<\/p>\n<p>I do know that, when I was growing up\u2014remembering seeing how they were together, and then seeing my dad without her\u2014I remember telling my dad, I was like, \u201cI would just much rather <em>not<\/em> be married\u2014and not ever have that kind of love\/ever have that kind of experience\u2014and then have it taken away.\u201d My dad so lovingly, he was like, \u201cI get that Charmaine. I get how that looks and how\u2014I can imagine how you would think it would feel\u2014but I\u2019m actually praying the <em>opposite<\/em>.\u201d [Laughter] He\u2019s like, \u201cI\u2019m praying that, if it be the Lord\u2019s will, that you would be able to experience that kind of love and that kind of intimacy.\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Michelle:<\/strong> What is something, that people say to you, that you wish was reframed?<\/p>\n<p><strong>Charmaine:<\/strong> I think it\u2019s the comment that I get\u2014usually, I\u2019ll go home to my home church\u2014the church that I grew up in; and I mean, I\u2019ve been in church since I was a fetus. I\u2019ve been in church my <em>whole<\/em> life\/whole life. [Laughter] I grew up knowing Jesus just as well as I knew my parents, kind of thing. I got saved when I was six.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Michelle:<\/strong> He was your first word. [Laughter]<\/p>\n<p><strong>Charmaine:<\/strong> Exactly; exactly. So these people\u2014they <em>know<\/em> me; they <em>know<\/em> me\u2014they\u2019ll be like\u2014\u201cOh, baby,\u201d\u2014at me.<\/p>\n<p>I\u2019ll come back home to my home church, and they\u2019ll ask me how I\u2019m doing. I\u2019ll share\/I\u2019m like: \u201cThe Lord is doing this\u2026\u201d \u201cI\u2019ve had this opportunity\u2026\u201d \u201cThis is going on\u2026\u201d They\u2019ll listen; and it seems like\u2014maybe, it\u2019s just my experience of them\u2014but it seems like their eyes are really excited; and then, they kind of just glaze over. I end talking, and they say, \u201cWell, we\u2019re still praying for you to find a husband. We\u2019re still praying for that.\u201d [Laughter] I\u2019ve gotten <em>mad<\/em> about that; I\u2019ve gotten <em>sad<\/em> about that; I\u2019ve gotten <em>depressed<\/em> about that. I\u2019ve had <em>all<\/em> the emotions of it, because it happens <em>frequently<\/em>. [Laughter]<\/p>\n<p><strong>Michelle:<\/strong> I start questioning whether or not God\u2019s answering <em>their<\/em> prayers. [Laughter]<\/p>\n<p><strong>Charmaine:<\/strong> Right; right. It\u2019s like: \u201cWell, Lord, if they are praying, then what?\u2014that clock, Jesus; what\u2019s going on up there?\u201d; you know? I wish that they could know, on my end, what I experience when I hear that\/when I hear that response back after I\u2019ve shared <em>all<\/em> of what the Lord is doing and all of what I\u2019m enjoying in life. It seems like their question back is saying, \u201cYou\u2019re doing great. You would be doing <em>better<\/em> if you were married.\u201d Their comment back to me seems like I\u2019m <em>missing<\/em> something, that there is no way that I really could be content.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Michelle:<\/strong> That\u2019s good.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Charmaine:<\/strong> I would also encourage these conversations of: \u201cCould it be possible that the Lord\u2019s will isn\u2019t for everyone to get married?\u201d There are a lot of <em>assuming<\/em> that we put on comments, like: \u201c<em>When<\/em> you get married\u2026\u201d or \u201c<em>When<\/em> you have kids\u2026\u201d There is a lot of assumption that we put on that. So just change that word, \u201cwhen,\u201d to \u201cif\u201d\u2014just something as simple as if\u2014\u201c<em>If<\/em> you get married\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n<p>People tell me, too, all the time, like: \u201cYou\u2019re great with kids. That will come in handy when you get married.\u201d Or I could just be good with kids\u2014and: \u201cHey, that\u2019s awesome; because kids like you, I bet;\u2014<\/p>\n<p><strong>Michelle:<\/strong> Right.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Charmaine: <\/strong>\u201cthat\u2019s cool\u201d; you know? [Laughter]<\/p>\n<p><strong>Michelle:<\/strong> \u201cThat\u2019s one of your gifts,\u201d\u2014you know, pointing that out\u2014\u201cHey, God has given you this <em>great<\/em> gift of being able to work with kids.\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Charmaine:<\/strong> Yes, yes; \u201cI see God in that; that\u2019s wonderful\u201d\u2014period.<\/p>\n<p>Someone mentioned: \u201cWhoa, you do your own taxes? That\u2019s cool. Your husband is going to really appreciate that\u201d; or [realize] I\u2019m just a good citizen of the country that I live in, and I\u2019m able to take care of myself; you know? [Laughter] My sister\/she mentioned, she\u2019s like, \u201cIf I have kids, I\u2019m going to teach my <em>boys<\/em> how to cook. It\u2019s not because I want them to do anything for their wife; it\u2019s just: \u2018You\u2019re a human, and I want you to be able to take care of yourself when you get older.\u2019\u201d I was like, \u201cYes! Sarah, that\u2019s the way\u201d; you know? [Laughter]<\/p>\n<p><strong>Michelle:<\/strong> That\u2019s exactly it; yes.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Charmaine:<\/strong> Yes.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Michelle:<\/strong> What is another way\u2014or what are some ways\u2014that the church could really help singles?<\/p>\n<p><strong>Charmaine:<\/strong> I\u2019m a part of a life group, down in Southwest Georgia, where I live. I <em>love<\/em> my life group because there are married people; there are single people; there are older people; there are new believers; there are old believers, new and older in the faith. The diversity of it is <em>absolutely<\/em> amazing\u2014white people, black people\u2014it\u2019s just\/it\u2019s <em>beautiful<\/em>. You get a beautiful, beautiful picture of\u2014not just how heaven is going to be\u2014but how heaven can be brought down to earth <em>now<\/em>: \u201cYour will be done on earth as it is in heaven.\u201d That could happen <em>now<\/em>.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Michelle:<\/strong> Yes.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Charmaine:<\/strong> We see a picture of, I think, God\u2019s goal and idea of what His body\u2014what He wants His body to look like: when we have singles, when we have marrieds, when we have people with kids\/people without kids, when we have older\/younger, when we just have that diversity\u2014we see: \u201cMan, we need <em>all<\/em> of this to work and to do what the Lord is asking us to do here, on this earth, which is to bring His glory.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>You mentioned this earlier\u2014have single events\/events just for singles\u2014because there are certain things that, maybe, singles just understand. But don\u2019t just put them out on the pasture kind of thing. And then, when you have those meetings with just singles\u2014for all that is good and holy\u2014please try not to make it just a dating service. [Laughter] Oh, my goodness! There is just so much pressure that comes with that; it just ends up being <em>awkward<\/em>. It <em>doesn\u2019t<\/em> help with the\u2014\u201cMy brother, you are an image bearer; you are <em>not<\/em> here to affirm <em>me<\/em> of being enough,\u201d\u2014like\u2014\u201cI\u2019m woman enough with and without you.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Michelle:<\/strong> Right.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Charmaine:<\/strong> \u2014\u201cI am complete in Christ with and without you. I love you\u2014you\u2019re an image bearer\u2014you\u2019re <em>not<\/em> an ego booster.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>I think, unintentionally, we set people up for those kinds of things\u2014<\/p>\n<p><strong>Michelle:<\/strong> Right.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Charmaine:<\/strong> \u2014when we do that.<\/p>\n<p>And then, please do your due diligence to teach what the Bible <em>actually<\/em> says. I <em>hate<\/em> to think that we\u2019re setting people up to be discontented and even <em>angry<\/em> with God because we\u2019re teaching that God is promising things that He <em>never<\/em> promised. His promises are good, in and of, themselves. We don\u2019t have to twist them or stretch them to make them good\u2014they are\u2014they just are, so <em>teach<\/em> what they say.<\/p>\n<p>We don\u2019t want to disappoint people\u2014I get that\u2014<em>I<\/em> don\u2019t want to disappoint people. But the best way for me to believe that I\u2019m not disappointing people is to stand firm on the Word of God. It\u2019s hard; I\u2019m not saying that I\u2019m excellent and that I do it all the time. It\u2019s very, very hard.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Michelle:<\/strong> It is hard.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Charmaine:<\/strong> Someone who does this well, I believe, is Jackie Hill Perry. She just has this beautiful gift it seems like of just saying what the Word of God says. I follow her on Instagram<sup>\u00ae<\/sup>. I\u2019m like, \u201cShe said what?!\u201d She\u2019s like, \u201cThis is what the Word of God says, and I\u2019m not going to apologize for it.\u201d I think that\u2019s what we need\u2014is to get back to what the Word <em>actually<\/em> says\u2014because that\u2019s how we\u2019re going to help people; that\u2019s how we\u2019re going to reeducate; that\u2019s how we\u2019re going to get people, who are more about God\u2019s glory than about a relationship status.<\/p>\n<p>[Studio]<\/p>\n<p><strong>Michelle:<\/strong> That was my conversation with Charmaine Porter. Just as Charmaine was saying, that\u2019s what life is all about\u2014it\u2019s getting back to the Word\u2014it\u2019s not about a status. It\u2019s not about a status on Facebook<sup>\u00ae<\/sup>, or Instagram, or wherever else we happen to think it lies; it\u2019s about getting back to the Word.<\/p>\n<p>You know, over the last several months, we\u2019ve been talking about discontentment. Today, we\u2019re talking about contentment in singleness; but we\u2019ve also talked about contentment in marriage and in parenting. We\u2019ll have a link to those broadcasts on our website; that\u2019s at FamilyLifeThisWeek.com. There is also a <em>great<\/em> article there to help married friends understand how to help the singles in their life. It\u2019s a <em>great<\/em> article by a young single writer, here, on staff; that\u2019s at FamilyLifeThisWeek.com.<\/p>\n<p>I have a question for you: \u201cHow often do you clear your conscience?\u201d and \u201cDo you really ever need to clear your conscience?\u201d We\u2019re going to explore the freedom of a clear conscience, before God and others, and hear from Erwin Lutzer and other great Bible thinkers. Hope you can join us for that; that\u2019s next week on <em>FamilyLife This Week<\/em>.<\/p>\n<p>Hey, thanks for listening! I appreciate you taking time out of your day to\u2014well, I won\u2019t say, \u201cListen to me ramble on\u201d; because Charmaine Porter had some really good points to make\u2014but I want to thank you for listening. I want to thank the president of FamilyLife<sup>\u00ae<\/sup>, David Robbins, along with our station partners around the country. A big \u201cThank you!\u201d to our engineer today, Bruce Goff. Thanks to our producers, Marques Holt and Bruce Goff. Justin Adams is our mastering engineer, and Megan Martin is our production coordinator, and Meredith Empie is our production intern.<\/p>\n<p>Our program is a production of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>, and our mission is to effectively develop godly families who change the world one home at a time.<\/p>\n<p>I'm Michelle Hill, inviting you to join us again next time for another edition of <em>FamilyLife This Week.<\/em><\/p>\n<p><strong>\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>We are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?<\/p>\n<p>Copyright <sup>\u00a9<\/sup> 2022 FamilyLife. 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