{"id":307500,"date":"2022-05-06T08:02:10","date_gmt":"2022-05-06T12:02:10","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/%series%\/heather-macfadyen-am-i-a-bad-mom-2\/"},"modified":"2025-05-16T13:37:03","modified_gmt":"2025-05-16T17:37:03","slug":"heather-macfadyen-am-i-a-bad-mom-2","status":"publish","type":"podcast","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/heather-macfadyen-am-i-a-bad-mom-2\/","title":{"rendered":"Heather MacFadyen: &#8220;Am I a Bad Mom?"},"content":{"rendered":"<p>Feeling like a bad mom? Author Heather MacFadyen explores motives &amp; emotions fueling your actions &amp; judgments so you can lean toward the mom you long to be.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Feeling like a bad mom? Author Heather MacFadyen explores motives &amp; emotions fueling your actions &amp; judgments so you can lean toward the mom you long to be.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":91,"featured_media":294104,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"","_seopress_robots_index":"","inline_featured_image":false,"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","episode_type":"audio","audio_file":"https:\/\/mp3.familylife.com\/fl2022-05-06.mp3","podmotor_file_id":"","podmotor_episode_id":"","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"00:19:20:47","filesize":"24.64M","filesize_raw":"25840485","date_recorded":"2022-05-06 08:02:10","explicit":"","block":""},"categories":[2850,2838],"tags":[2619],"podcast_series":[],"cwp_profile":[9774],"series":[2101],"class_list":["post-307500","podcast","type-podcast","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-character-development","category-mothers","tag-am-i-a-bad-mom","cwp_profile-heather-macfadyen","series-familylife-today"],"acf":[],"episode_featured_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg?w=508","episode_player_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2023\/02\/image-scaled.jpg","download_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-download\/307500\/heather-macfadyen-am-i-a-bad-mom-2","player_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-player\/307500\/heather-macfadyen-am-i-a-bad-mom-2","audio_player":null,"episode_data":{"playerMode":"light","subscribeUrls":{"apple_podcasts":{"key":"apple_podcasts","url":"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303?mt=2&app=podcast","label":"Apple Podcasts","class":"apple_podcasts","icon":"apple-podcasts.png"},"google_podcasts":{"key":"google_podcasts","url":"","label":"Google Podcasts","class":"google_podcasts","icon":"google-podcasts.png"},"spotify":{"key":"spotify","url":"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm","label":"Spotify","class":"spotify","icon":"spotify.png"},"youtube":{"key":"youtube","url":"","label":"YouTube","class":"youtube","icon":"youtube.png"}},"rssFeedUrl":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/feed\/podcast\/familylife-today","embedCode":"<blockquote class=\"wp-embedded-content\" data-secret=\"HF3l8GUdSI\"><a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/heather-macfadyen-am-i-a-bad-mom-2\/\">Heather MacFadyen: &#8220;Am I a Bad Mom?<\/a><\/blockquote><iframe sandbox=\"allow-scripts\" security=\"restricted\" src=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/heather-macfadyen-am-i-a-bad-mom-2\/embed\/#?secret=HF3l8GUdSI\" width=\"500\" height=\"350\" title=\"&#8220;Heather MacFadyen: &#8220;Am I a Bad Mom?&#8221; &#8212; FamilyLife\u00ae - A Cru Ministry\" data-secret=\"HF3l8GUdSI\" frameborder=\"0\" marginwidth=\"0\" marginheight=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\" class=\"wp-embedded-content\"><\/iframe><script>\n\/*! This file is auto-generated *\/\n!function(d,l){\"use strict\";l.querySelector&&d.addEventListener&&\"undefined\"!=typeof URL&&(d.wp=d.wp||{},d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage||(d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage=function(e){var t=e.data;if((t||t.secret||t.message||t.value)&&!\/[^a-zA-Z0-9]\/.test(t.secret)){for(var s,r,n,a=l.querySelectorAll('iframe[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),o=l.querySelectorAll('blockquote[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),c=new RegExp(\"^https?:$\",\"i\"),i=0;i<o.length;i++)o[i].style.display=\"none\";for(i=0;i<a.length;i++)s=a[i],e.source===s.contentWindow&&(s.removeAttribute(\"style\"),\"height\"===t.message?(1e3<(r=parseInt(t.value,10))?r=1e3:~~r<200&&(r=200),s.height=r):\"link\"===t.message&&(r=new URL(s.getAttribute(\"src\")),n=new URL(t.value),c.test(n.protocol))&&n.host===r.host&&l.activeElement===s&&(d.top.location.href=t.value))}},d.addEventListener(\"message\",d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage,!1),l.addEventListener(\"DOMContentLoaded\",function(){for(var e,t,s=l.querySelectorAll(\"iframe.wp-embedded-content\"),r=0;r<s.length;r++)(t=(e=s[r]).getAttribute(\"data-secret\"))||(t=Math.random().toString(36).substring(2,12),e.src+=\"#?secret=\"+t,e.setAttribute(\"data-secret\",t)),e.contentWindow.postMessage({message:\"ready\",secret:t},\"*\")},!1)))}(window,document);\n\/\/# sourceURL=https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-includes\/js\/wp-embed.min.js\n<\/script>\n"},"uagb_featured_image_src":{"full":["https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg",508,508,false]},"uagb_author_info":{"display_name":"kfairris@familylife.com","author_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/author\/kfairrisfamilylife-com\/"},"uagb_comment_info":0,"uagb_excerpt":"Feeling like a bad mom? Author Heather MacFadyen explores motives &amp; emotions fueling your actions &amp; judgments so you can lean toward the mom you long to be.","meta_box":{"show_notes":"<p>Find resources from this podcast at <a href=\"https:\/\/shop.familylife.com\/Products.aspx?categoryid=130\">shop.familylife.com<\/a>.<br \/>\nFind more content and resources on the <a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/app\/\">FamilyLife's app<\/a>!<br \/>\nHelp others find Familylife.\u00a0 Leave a review on <a href=\"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303\">Apple Podcast<\/a> or <a href=\"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm?si=d6dfa8d2415f4750\">Spotify<\/a>.<br \/>\nCheck out all the Familylife's on the <a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/familylife-podcast-network\/\">FamilyLife Podcast Network<\/a><\/p>\n","transcript_url":"https:\/\/transcript.familylife.com\/fl2022-05-06.pdf","transcript_content":"<p><strong>Ann:<\/strong> So recently, we were talking about being in a van\/a minivan with our two grandchildren, who are three and one. Dave is up in the front with our son, and then my daughter[-in-law] and I are in the back, taking care of the kids. The one-year-old is <em>screaming<\/em> her head off\u2014<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes, she was <em>screaming<\/em>.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u2014for like an hour. The whole time\u2014<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dave:<\/strong> It might have been three hours.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann:<\/strong> The whole time\u2014<\/p>\n<p><strong>Heather:<\/strong> It probably felt longer. [Laughter]<\/p>\n<p><strong>\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann:<\/strong> Welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>, where we want to help you pursue the relationships that matter most. I\u2019m Ann Wilson.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dave:<\/strong> And I\u2019m Dave Wilson, and you can find us at FamilyLifeToday.com or on our FamilyLife<sup>\u00ae<\/sup> app.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann:<\/strong> This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>!<\/p>\n<p><strong>\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>My daughter-in-law is <em>amazing<\/em>: she\u2019s feeding her; we\u2019re making faces; we\u2019re singing songs. Later that day, we\u2019re walking. I could tell she was so frustrated; because she\u2019s thinking, \u201cWhy wasn\u2019t <em>he<\/em> back here?\u201d He even had offered, \u201cDo you want me to be in the back?\u201d But as moms,\u2014<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u2014you say, \u201cNo,\u201d every time.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u2014we feel <em>guilty<\/em>.<\/p>\n<p>I said to her, as we were walking, \u201cIt\u2019s the weirdest thing, because God has put it in us, as moms, we are connected to our children. And if we are all sitting in a room with the dads and the moms, the dads aren\u2019t thinking about: \u2018I better take care of the child.\u2019 You automatically, as a mom, zero in on it; and you know, \u2018I\u2019m going to take care of them.\u2019 But I found myself, when our kids were little, like, \u2018Why doesn\u2019t <em>Dave<\/em> take care of them?\u2019 It was just always on my radar to care for them\/to love them.\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes; and you can hear another guest in the studio\u2014Heather is over there\u2014[Laughter]\u2014Heather MacFadyen is over there laughing; because you two moms are like, \u201cYes; yes; yes.\u201d I mean, that\u2019s your life; right?<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Heather:<\/strong> I think about, even coming here, and <em>all<\/em> the effort and planning: I set a crockpot meal ready for the first night they are home; I\u2019m making sure everyone gets picked up at the right time; my husband texted me while I\u2019m here: \u201cWhat is our carpool number?\u201d [Laughter] It\u2019s been the same for ten years. [Laughter]<\/p>\n<p>But when he goes out of town, there is no prep on his end; he just goes out of town. I will say, I have friends in our life\u2014and <em>he<\/em> is the stay-at-home dad; and he does those details, and the mom travels, and the mom is involved in a lot of other things\u2014but that\u2019s the rarity.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann:<\/strong> It\u2019s interesting, too\u2014even this week\u2014we had our three-year-old grandson with us. He and I happened to be sitting out on this deck. He has this little camping chair\u2014you know it\u2019s\/he just turned three\u2014he says to me, \u201cNonie, didn\u2019t you have a meeting two days ago?\u201d I\u2019m thinking, \u201cHow does he remember that?\u201d I said, \u201cI did.\u201d He said, \u201cOh, how did it go?\u201d I\u2019m like, \u201cWhat is happening right now? [Laughter] This is like the deepest conversation I\u2019ve <em>had<\/em>.\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dave:<\/strong> You were thinking, \u201cMy husband never asks me how it went.\u201d [Laughter]<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann:<\/strong> But there is this bond\u2014that was like this bonding moment for me\u2014and we long for that with our kids. That instant with that conversation that was maybe five minutes long, I felt so connected to him. Your book, <em>Don\u2019t Mom Alone: Growing the Relationships You Need to Be the Mom You Want to Be<\/em>\u2014we\u2019ve talked about we need that relationship with Jesus, how we need the relationship with other moms; but you also talk about that connection with our kids.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Heather:<\/strong> Yes; I wasn\u2019t going to have the last section be that: it was going to be advice for mentors\u2014thinking friends\/mentors\u2014but then I realized, \u201cOh my goodness! So often, we are looking to mentors; reading all the books; listening to all the things so we can be amazing moms, and we\u2019re <em>leaving<\/em> our kids behind. [Laughter]<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Heather:<\/strong> \u201cWe\u2019re trying so hard to be amazing parents that we forget to have the relationship: \u2018Rules without relationship equals rebellion.\u2019\u201d<\/p>\n<p>I think that concept, especially in the church, I think we wonder why so many older kids are leaving the church. I often think that it could be some of the parenting techniques that were handed down to that generation created a distance in relationship that prohibited them from wanting to have anything to do with the church. I don\u2019t know if it\u2019s true; I don\u2019t have any data.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u2014but you have four boys.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Heather:<\/strong> I do have four boys.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dave:<\/strong> And as a mom, you are trying to connect with them.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Heather:<\/strong> Right.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dave:<\/strong> What does that look like? [Laughter]<\/p>\n<p><strong>Heather:<\/strong> In the pandemic, they all want to do boy things; you know?\u2014watch Marvel movies.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann:<\/strong> Ooh, I like that.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Heather:<\/strong> I\u2019ve had my meltdown moments, where I\u2019m thinking, \u201cI\u2019m the <em>only<\/em> girl in this house!<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann:<\/strong> Me, too, Heather.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Heather:<\/strong> \u201cIt\u2019s like living in a frat house.\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Heather:<\/strong> It\u2019s hard; but I do think\u2014I\u2019m a speech\/language pathologist by trade\u2014so communication is really important to me. I\u2019ve always been able to talk with my boys about <em>any<\/em> topic; it\u2019s just one of our high values in our family. So even if it is possibly a topic I <em>don\u2019t<\/em> want to talk about\u2014<em>Minecraft<\/em> or <em>Fortnite<\/em> or whatever the latest game is\u2014[Laughter]\u2014if it\u2019s important to them, them coming to me, and me engaging in that\u2014or whatever topic\u2014I think is helpful.<\/p>\n<p>But I mean there are a lot of missteps along the way. I\u2019m <em>not<\/em> one of those moms, who is like: \u201cI\u2019ve got it all right,\u201d and \u201cFollow my plan.\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann:<\/strong> I don\u2019t think there are any moms like that.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Heather:<\/strong> I want to be like the Titanic, like, \u201cAvoid this iceberg ahead!\u201d [Laughter]<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann:<\/strong> I love that, at the beginning of each chapter, you have an isolating idea. Every single one of these\u2014I could read them all to a mom; and she would be like, \u201cYes, yes,\u201d\u2014this one is:<\/p>\n<ul>\n<li>\u201cI can\u2019t stop yelling at my kids\u201d; that\u2019s the isolating idea.<\/li>\n<li>The connecting truth is: \u201cI can identify anger triggers and use calming tools.\u201d<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p>Let\u2019s talk about anger. I\u2019m kind of excited about this, because I\u2019m hoping\u2014<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dave:<\/strong> That\u2019s a way to connect with your kids\u2014<\/p>\n<p><strong>Heather:<\/strong> Yes; anger is.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u2014through anger.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Heather:<\/strong> That\u2019s right. I think I\u2019ve learned a lot through counseling\u2014through Celebrate Recovery and a lot of Townsend training\u2014is to identify what I\u2019m feeling.<\/p>\n<p>I think, in the young-kid years, there is such a reactive time: everybody needs things; you are physically spent. I call it\/it\u2019s like a pinball machine, just bouncing from one need to another. So being aware of what I\u2019m actually feeling happened zero times in a day.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann:<\/strong> I just asked one of my daughters-in-law, \u201cHow are you feeling?\u201d She said, \u201cI have no idea; I never think about myself.\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Heather:<\/strong> No; total self-forgetfulness. What happens then is: we are feeling\u2014we are made in God\u2019s image with emotions\u2014we have them. You\u2019re not <em>being emotional<\/em> if you have emotions\u2014I <em>hate<\/em> that phrase\u2014<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Heather:<\/strong> \u2014\u201cOh, she is <em>so<\/em> emotional.\u201d No; we\u2019re all human beings, who are emotional; and God has emotions. We are human beings, made in the image of God, who has emotions, who expresses love, and joy, and anger.<\/p>\n<p>I was feeling so much guilt in those years with young boys. I did <em>not<\/em> want to be an angry mom\u2014again, I read all the books; I had the master\u2019s degree\u2014the <em>last<\/em> thing I wanted to do was be an angry mom. But you get to the third boy\/the fourth boy: no one does what I want when I want, and they are embarrassing me at every turn. So the only thing I can do is yell.<\/p>\n<p>Anger is an energizing emotion. I was believing a lie, from our last conversation, about what lies I believed. I had a lie of weakness; I really did not feel strong or able. So being an energizing emotion, I thought, \u201cThis is where I\u2019ll get my strength.\u201d But I\u2019m <em>harming<\/em> the relationships at every turn as I\u2019m getting angry and, then, feeling guilty every night. Then shame on top of the guilt that\u2014not only was it wrong that I yelled\u2014feeling angry wasn\u2019t wrong; yelling in anger was the problem\u2014I\u2019m feeling guilty for doing that; but then, I\u2019m now feeling shame\/mom shame that I am wrong.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann:<\/strong> Did you ever go in and apologize to your kids, even after they had gone\u2014<\/p>\n<p><strong>Heather:<\/strong> I did repair.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Heather:<\/strong> I would tell myself, \u201cThat is beyond what I experienced\u2014the repair, the apology\u2014but it\u2019s becoming a pattern.\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann:<\/strong> And you were saying, you not only did wrong; but now, you <em>said<\/em>, \u201cI am wrong.\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Heather:<\/strong> \u201cI am wrong. I\u2019m a bad mom, because I yell at my kids.\u201d So many moms are feeling this. I really want to help moms to really lean into what\u2019s behind the anger, because it is a secondary emotion to something else. Mine was the fear that I was dealing with and that lie of weakness. That was the inner healing that I did to kind of realign what was true.<\/p>\n<p>Instead of, in those moments of fear, feeling the anger and responding with anger, I could stop and pay attention and be like, \u201cOkay, I\u2019m feeling the energizing emotion; that\u2019s anger.\u201d Get curious: \u201cWhat am I angry about? Okay, this child keeps asking for a cookie. I\u2019ve already responded five times and told them we are about to have dinner, and he can\u2019t have cookie right now,\u201d\u2014that\u2019s a character flaw; that\u2019s badgering\u2014I don\u2019t want him to be a badger-er the rest of his life.<\/p>\n<p>Okay; I\u2019m taking that knowledge about what I\u2019m feeling and what\u2019s going on that is causing me to feel that way. Let me address the badgering, and we can train that.\u201d But all of that work\u2014<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann:<\/strong> So what did it look like?<\/p>\n<p><strong>Heather:<\/strong> In that situation, outside of the moment, I could bring up <em>Wild Kratts<\/em>; do you remember that show\/that old show? They had an episode on badgers\u2014the actual animal\u2014with them clawing in the dirt with their long claws; and I could say, \u201cWhen you ask a question, and I answer it; and then you ask the same question, and you ask the same question, that\u2019s badgering. It hurts our relationship.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Okay, he\u2019s three years old\u2014that\u2019s pretty young\u2014but I believe kids can learn a lot of stuff. So then, in the future, when I would notice him doing it, instead of reacting in anger and saying, \u201cStop it!\u201d\u2014which is what I wanted to do\u2014I could even just do a symbol with my hands, digging in the ground; or say, \u201cYou are badgering.\u201d It helped him. Now, he is one of my most persistent children still and is excelling in school because of that persistence.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann:<\/strong> Right; it is a gift from God\u2014<\/p>\n<p><strong>Heather:<\/strong> It is a gift.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u2014in terms of we can see it as he is <em>so<\/em> annoying.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Heather:<\/strong> Raising leaders is <em>exhausting<\/em>.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes, I have one, too; it\u2019s <em>exhausting<\/em>.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Heather:<\/strong> I\u2019m thankful that I\u2019d read the book, <em>Good and Angry<\/em>. It gave me the\/it freed me from believing anger was wrong. I stopped fighting the anger and saying, \u201cI\u2019ve got to stop being angry,\u201d\u2014that only lasts like five minutes: to try to stop the emotion only lasts five minutes\u2014but if you get curious about it, it moves you from an reactive part of your brain to a thinking part of your brain; and you can figure it out a little bit better.<\/p>\n<p>I think\/I\u2019d love to encourage moms, if they have a pattern of anger, to start getting curious about what is going on at the moment. You will not be able to solve it in that moment, because anger happens so fast; but if you start to see patterns, you can start to look at: \u201cWhat is behind it?\u201d and do some work with God or with your kids.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dave:<\/strong> I\u2019ve always said\u2014like with what you are saying: curious\u2014when you find yourself triggered to anger, I call it back track: \u201cBack track to the first emotion, because you skipped an emotion.\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Heather:<\/strong> Yes.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dave:<\/strong> When you said that \u201csecondary emotion,\u201d I had <em>never<\/em> heard that until decades ago. That was a revelation, like\u2014because Ann had told me, \u201cYou\u2019re angry man,\u201d\u2014I\u2019m like, \u201cNo, I\u2019m not!\u201d\u2014which is a great reaction\u2014\u201cWhat are you talking about?\u201d\u2014like Exhibit A.<\/p>\n<p>But when I started to understand what you are saying\u2014I guess calling it being curious\u2014no, no, no; it\u2019s kind of like an extension cord; it\u2019s plugged into an emotion. I remember one time I was going to pick up our kids at a gymnastics\/little practice. CJ, my oldest, was six\u2014maybe, very young kids\u2014maybe, eight. When I came in, CJ said, \u201cOh, I thought Mom was coming.\u201d I\u2019m like, \u201cNo, you\u2019ve got Dad.\u201d There was a lady there from our church\u2014I\u2019ll never forget\u2014I\u2019m the pastor of the church. We started\u2014her kids were there\u2014we were talking. CJ starts badgering me.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Heather:<\/strong> \u2014and interrupting.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dave:<\/strong> He says, \u201cCan I get something out of the van?\u201d\u00a0 I\u2019m literally talking to this lady; and I remember saying, \u201cJust hold on a second.\u201d He kept doing it; so I turn, and I grab his arms, to go, \u201cCJ, hold on a second.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Well, I didn\u2019t realize I squeezed so hard he started screaming. I mean, it was so bad he like jumps out of my arms. I remember this mom looks at me, like, \u201cDude, what was that about?!\u201d Of course, I\u2019m thinking I didn\u2019t squeeze that hard; but I did. As we\u2019re walking to the car\u2014I literally, in my head, I went through what I always told people at our church\u2014\u201cYou need to ABC your anger: Acknowledge it, Backtrack, Confess it.\u201d<\/p>\n<ul>\n<li>So A was: \u201cWas I angry?\u201d\u2014oh, yes.<\/li>\n<li>B: \u201cWhat was the emotion I skipped?\u201d Do you know what it was?<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p><strong>Ann:<\/strong> Rejection.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes; I was hurt. He wanted <em>mom<\/em> instead of dad. Of course, he is five, seven, eight years old; so of course, he does.<\/p>\n<p>As we\u2019re driving home\u2014I\u2019ll never forget this\u2014I\u2019ve got all three boys. My youngest is in a car seat; CJ was up in the front seat, and the other two\u2014we\u2019re in this little Honda Accord. I go, \u201cHey, guys, do you think Dad was angry back there?\u201d Oh! Your kids see it like crazy; they are like, \u201cYes.\u201d I go, \u201cDo you know why?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>CJ goes, \u201cBecause I interrupted you; I kept pulling on your thing.\u201d I go, \u201cYes, that was part of it.\u201d I go, \u201cYou know the truth was? You wanted Mom; you didn\u2019t want me. You know what? That\u2019s totally normal. But I sorted of wanted you to want me.\u201d<\/p>\n<ul>\n<li>Then, C was: Confess appropriately. I said, \u201cYou know what, guys? I am sorry. I shouldn\u2019t have been angry. That\u2019s <em>great<\/em> that you wanted Mom. Are we okay? Would you guys forgive me?\u201d\u2014immediate forgiveness.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p>Here is the best part of the story. I get home; 20 minutes later, I walk in the house. Guess what? I\u2019m not yelling at my wife,\u2014<\/p>\n<p><strong>Heather:<\/strong> Yes.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u2014because I had dealt with the <em>anger<\/em>.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Heather:<\/strong> Yes.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dave:<\/strong> That\u2019s what you are saying: you\u2019ve got to be <em>curious<\/em> to go back and say, \u201cWhere is that coming from?\u201d I\u2019m guessing: \u201cMoms, that is 50 times a <em>day<\/em>.\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann:<\/strong> Well, one of the things I\u2019ve learned to do\u2014I think bedtime, when we put our heads on the pillows\u2014that\u2019s when the battle begins.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Heather:<\/strong> Yes; 100 percent.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann:<\/strong> I start thinking: \u201cI failed here,\u201d \u201cI should not have said this,\u201d \u201cWhy did I say <em>that<\/em>?\u201d\u2014even with adult children\u2014because I have no control now; whereas, I did a little bit then. I\u2019ve started this practice of visualizing myself\u2014I just did this two nights ago\u2014visualizing myself with Jesus.<\/p>\n<p>I tell Jesus the things that I\u2019m carrying; I\u2019m like, \u201cLord, here is what I\u2019m carrying today,\u201d\u2014this is confession; it\u2019s telling Him the truth\u2014\u201cI\u2019m carrying that I shouldn\u2019t have yelled,\u201d \u201cI\u2019m carrying that I am worried my kids,\u201d \u201cI\u2019m worried about this.\u201d As I\u2019m telling Him this, I see myself taking off baggage\u2014I just visualize it\u2014and I hand it to Jesus. I hand Him another one. It\u2019s this time of purging, almost: \u201cThese are all the things that are <em>weighing<\/em> me down, Lord.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Then I picture Jesus doing something with them. Every time, it is different. One time, I see Him throw it off a cliff. One time, just in my head, He is digging a hole and burying it. Then I\u2019ll ask this question: \u201cLord, is there anything else that I need to give You that I\u2019m carrying and that You want to carry for me?\u201d That has been the most freeing\u2014<\/p>\n<p><strong>Heather:<\/strong> Yes.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u2014practice of just going to bed, letting Him have. Sometimes, there is an application of: \u201cYou need to apologize,\u201d or \u201cGo back to this son\u2026\u201d Even that part, of like, \u201cLord, I feel like I\u2019m not\u2026I\u2019m failing this son,\u201d\u2014maybe, He\u2019ll just\/the Holy Spirit will whisper, \u201cHe needs you right now. You need to spend a little more time with him.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Have you had any of those times?<\/p>\n<p><strong>Heather:<\/strong> No, I just think that is <em>so<\/em> great. I think what I\u2019m hearing from both of you is: \u201cEmotions are just these great tools to let us know that something else is going on that we can bring to Jesus. It\u2019s not too much for Him.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>The rejection was behind the anger.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Heather:<\/strong> The beliefs and the weight that you were carrying was not yours to carry\u2014that you could give to Him\u2014for me, it was the fear that was behind the anger.<\/p>\n<p>I think the gift\u2014if we lean into it instead of feeling guilt and shame, which is where the enemy wants to keep us\u2014that\u2019s why moms reach out by the <em>hundreds<\/em> whenever someone, on Instagram<sup>\u00ae<\/sup> or Facebook<sup>\u00ae<\/sup>, says, \u201cOh, yes; I yelled at my kids today,\u201d because it makes them feel like, \u201cOh, I\u2019m not the only one!\u201d<\/p>\n<p>You are <em>not<\/em> the only one\u2014the enemy wants you to believe that\u2014but don\u2019t use that as an excuse to just keep doing it. Do get curious; do dig into it because\u2014yes; for me, I over and over again, kept bringing that fear: \u201cLord, what am I afraid of right now?\u201d for the Holy Spirit to prompt me: \u201cOh, okay; help me to hand that over to You. Help me to believe truth\u2014that\u2019s not true\u201d [what I\u2019m believing]\u2014whatever it is. Don\u2019t sit in that anger, feeling guilty, and feeling shame, and isolating even further; bring it to God\/bring it to your safe people we talked about.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann:<\/strong> What are other ways that you\u2019ve connected to your kids\/to your boys?<\/p>\n<p><strong>Shelby:<\/strong> You\u2019re listening to Dave and Ann Wilson with Heather MacFadyen on <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. We\u2019re going to hear Heather\u2019s response in just a minute; but first, if you want more people to experience great conversations like the one you are hearing today, you\u2019re going to want to listen to this.<\/p>\n<p>All month long, any gift that you give to FamilyLife will be matched, dollar for dollar. Here is the exciting part: if you become a FamilyLife Partner, which means you give each month to FamilyLife, your monthly donation will be matched, dollar for dollar, for the next 12 months. Imagine the families who need to hear God\u2019s plan for marriage and family through our radio broadcasts, through our podcasts, through events like <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em><sup>\u00ae<\/sup>, small group Bible studies, and our website. I mean, where do you want people going when they Google<sup>\u00ae<\/sup> for help when their marriage is in trouble? You can help more families learn about the life-changing truth of God\u2019s Word\u2014not to sound overly dramatic\u2014but that will change the world.<\/p>\n<p>Now is the time to become a monthly Partner and have your monthly donations doubled for a <em>year<\/em>. You can give today at FamilyLifeToday.com or by calling 1-800-358-6329; that\u2019s 1-800-\u201cF\u201d as in family, \u201cL\u201d as in life, and then the word, \u201cTODAY.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Alright; now, back to Dave and Ann Wilson with Heather MacFadyen.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Heather:<\/strong> A little trick I learned from some mommy expert\u2014and again, no formula; but this is a trick\u2014if I talk to a mom with young kids, I tell her about it. To me, it really works, especially if you have <em>several<\/em> young children. It\u2019s called Mommy Time. We would do it twice a day. I would do it mid-morning before lunch\/before naps; and then after nap time before I would start cooking dinner, when I stayed home full-time. I would put their names in a hat, and we\u2019d draw who would go first, second, third. They would get to pick what we did in our ten minutes.<\/p>\n<p>I mean, moms will feel guilty, like, \u201cTen minutes; that\u2019s not very much\u201d; but really, when you have that many young children, and they all need you at once, the amount of one-on-one time they get with you is <em>never<\/em>. They knew they were going to get their Mommy Time; I would say, \u201cI can\u2019t wait until Mommy Time. What are we going to do at Mommy Time?\u201d They would plan it out, whether it was chase around downstairs, playing Uno<sup>\u00ae<\/sup>.<\/p>\n<p>The rules were you couldn\u2019t interrupt another brother\u2019s Mommy Time; or the time would start over for him. I mean, there were boundaries.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann:<\/strong> That is <em>genius<\/em>.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Heather:<\/strong> So in that time, they felt connected to me; they felt belonging. They knew they were going to get it; so they weren\u2019t, in negative ways, trying to get my attention. It prepped us for a little bit smoother lunch and naptime. They weren\u2019t begging to hang out with me. They would go down for nap, because we had had our Mommy Time. I would say, \u201cI can\u2019t wait for Mommy Time after your nap. Be thinking about what you want to do for Mommy Time.\u201d Then the Mommy Time would happen, and I could cook dinner without all of the interruptions.<\/p>\n<p>Now, is it seamless and perfect?\u2014<em>no<\/em>; but was it better? Then I could go to bed, knowing that I had spent a couple times that day, one on one, with each of the boys. One summer, when I was feeling disconnected from my boys\u2014and they were in their teens and middle school years\u2014and we would play Uno or something\u2014you would think: \u201cWhy would they still need Mommy Time?\u201d But they really did.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann:<\/strong> They did.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Heather:<\/strong> Yes.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann:<\/strong> I saw that with teenagers, too; they couldn\u2019t even verbalize it.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Heather:<\/strong> No.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann:<\/strong> They <em>wouldn\u2019t<\/em> verbalize it actually; but I can remember saying to one our sons\u2014I think he was 16\u2014and he was really pulling away from me, which I realize was normal; but I said, \u201cHey, you know what I\u2019m realizing? You are short and snappy because, probably, I\u2019m short and snappy.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Heather:<\/strong> Yes.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u201cI would love to just hang out with you for a little bit. So let\u2019s schedule it; maybe, every couple of weeks or whatever, because I just want to know how you are doing and what\u2019s going on in your life.\u201d We did that all the time. I did that with all the boys. There was something about just saying, \u201cHow are you doing?\u201d It was pretty incredible. My heart felt\u2014here is what I felt like\u2014\u201cNow, I see you again.\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Heather:<\/strong> Yes.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann:<\/strong> I would even end that time with: \u201cYou know what? This is why you need to do this when you get married\u201d\u2014<\/p>\n<p><strong>Heather:<\/strong> That\u2019s good.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u2014\u201cbecause your wife is going to need that time for you to look at her, and her to look at you, and to say, \u2018How are you doing?\u2019\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes; I\u2019m listening to you two moms. I\u2019m appreciating what you needed with your kids and what they want to connect with you; but I was listening, as a husband, going, \u201cI think you need Wife-y Time, too,\u201d which is go out with your husband and do the same thing.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Heather:<\/strong> I mention that in one of the chapters.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u201cI can give you ten minutes.\u201d [Laughter]<\/p>\n<p><strong>Heather:<\/strong> These connection points that we\u2014after we had a \u201cCome-to-Jesus\u201d [moment]\u2014because you have the little kids; and you start playing man-to-man defense. It\u2019s all about the kids, and you\u2019re not getting time together.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dave:<\/strong> Right.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Heather:<\/strong> We realized, after we get the kids to bed, we need to meet on the couch. Then, before they go off to school and he goes off to work, we meet in the kitchen. We pray over each other still, just so the boys can see we are making this a priority. We pray for one another. Sometimes, they will join in in the huddle. It\u2019s not this lengthy prayer; I mean it\u2019s, maybe, a couple minutes.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Heather:<\/strong> The biggest marriage gain we\u2019ve seen is, when on Saturday mornings, we started walking the neighborhood. My mom was living with us for a time, so she would be home with the boys. By the time she moved out, the boys were old enough, really, to stay home. If your kids are a certain age, you can just walk right around in the back yard a few times; but that shoulder-to-shoulder walking the neighborhood\u2014not spending any money; it\u2019s not a date night that\u2019s costly or babysitters\u2014our marriage has grown, leaps and bounds, in that time.<\/p>\n<p>I think it helps my husband to know he\u2019s going to get that time; he knows what we\u2019re going to talk about. I feel connected; I feel like he makes it a priority.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann:<\/strong> That\u2019s really good.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Heather:<\/strong> Yes.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann:<\/strong> I would say, too, to our listeners\u2014<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dave:<\/strong> Oh, you\u2019ve got to add another one. [Laughter]<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann:<\/strong> No, I was piggybacking on that; because that\u2019s <em>easy<\/em> to do. Before you leave in the morning\u2014and maybe, you leave at separate times\/maybe, you are both working at home\u2014but for your kids just to <em>see<\/em> you connect a little bit and even kiss. I think it\u2019s good for our kids to see that.<\/p>\n<p>Heather, you have been a gift to us\u2014<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dave:<\/strong> Oh, yes.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u2014such a gift, so thank you. I hope that our listeners will both buy your book and listen to your podcast.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Heather:<\/strong> I would love to connect with them. I like connection. [Laughter] Thanks for having me.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Shelby:<\/strong> That\u2019s Dave and Ann Wilson talking with Heather MacFadyen on <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. You can get a copy of Heather\u2019s book, <em>Don\u2019t Mom Alone<\/em>, at FamilyLifeToday.com; or you can give us a call at 1-800-358-6329; that\u2019s 1-800-\u201cF\u201d as in family, \u201cL\u201d as in life, and then the word, \u201cTODAY.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>If you know of anyone who needs to hear today\u2019s conversation, you can share it from wherever you get your podcasts. While you are there, it would really help us out if you would rate and review us.<\/p>\n<p>Next week, we\u2019re going to be talking about parenting. Do you feel like you could use some direction when it comes to how to parent your kids? No?\u2014just me? Well, at least, I\u2019ll be listening next week; and I hope you can too.<\/p>\n<p>Hope you get the opportunity to worship at your local church and experience the astounding grace of God this weekend. Isn\u2019t Jesus just the <em>best<\/em>?<\/p>\n<p>On behalf of Dave and Ann Wilson, I\u2019m Shelby Abbott. We will see you back next time for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>.<\/p>\n<p><em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife, a Cru<sup>\u00ae <\/sup>Ministry.<\/p>\n<p>Helping you pursue the relationships that matter most.<\/p>\n<p><strong>\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>We are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?<\/p>\n<p>Copyright <sup>\u00a9<\/sup> 2022 FamilyLife. 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