{"id":307499,"date":"2022-05-05T08:02:07","date_gmt":"2022-05-05T12:02:07","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/%series%\/heather-macfadyen-im-a-failure-as-a-mom\/"},"modified":"2025-05-16T13:37:38","modified_gmt":"2025-05-16T17:37:38","slug":"heather-macfadyen-im-a-failure-as-a-mom","status":"publish","type":"podcast","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/heather-macfadyen-im-a-failure-as-a-mom\/","title":{"rendered":"Heather MacFadyen: &#8220;I&#8217;m a Failure as a Mom"},"content":{"rendered":"<p>Grappling with responsibility &amp; even failure as a mom over how your kids are turning out? Author Heather MacFadyen knows your anxiety &#8212; and how to deal.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Grappling with responsibility &amp; even failure as a mom over how your kids are turning out? Author Heather MacFadyen knows your anxiety &#8212; and how to deal.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":91,"featured_media":294104,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"","_seopress_robots_index":"","inline_featured_image":false,"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","episode_type":"audio","audio_file":"https:\/\/mp3.familylife.com\/fl2022-05-05.mp3","podmotor_file_id":"","podmotor_episode_id":"","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"00:","filesize":"23.38M","filesize_raw":"24518652","date_recorded":"2022-05-05 08:02:07","explicit":"","block":""},"categories":[2850,2838],"tags":[7088],"podcast_series":[],"cwp_profile":[9774],"series":[2101],"class_list":["post-307499","podcast","type-podcast","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-character-development","category-mothers","tag-failure-as-a-mom","cwp_profile-heather-macfadyen","series-familylife-today"],"acf":[],"episode_featured_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg?w=508","episode_player_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2023\/02\/image-scaled.jpg","download_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-download\/307499\/heather-macfadyen-im-a-failure-as-a-mom","player_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-player\/307499\/heather-macfadyen-im-a-failure-as-a-mom","audio_player":null,"episode_data":{"playerMode":"light","subscribeUrls":{"apple_podcasts":{"key":"apple_podcasts","url":"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303?mt=2&app=podcast","label":"Apple Podcasts","class":"apple_podcasts","icon":"apple-podcasts.png"},"google_podcasts":{"key":"google_podcasts","url":"","label":"Google Podcasts","class":"google_podcasts","icon":"google-podcasts.png"},"spotify":{"key":"spotify","url":"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm","label":"Spotify","class":"spotify","icon":"spotify.png"},"youtube":{"key":"youtube","url":"","label":"YouTube","class":"youtube","icon":"youtube.png"}},"rssFeedUrl":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/feed\/podcast\/familylife-today","embedCode":"<blockquote class=\"wp-embedded-content\" data-secret=\"abwu3CD1AW\"><a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/heather-macfadyen-im-a-failure-as-a-mom\/\">Heather MacFadyen: &#8220;I&#8217;m a Failure as a Mom<\/a><\/blockquote><iframe sandbox=\"allow-scripts\" security=\"restricted\" src=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/heather-macfadyen-im-a-failure-as-a-mom\/embed\/#?secret=abwu3CD1AW\" width=\"500\" height=\"350\" title=\"&#8220;Heather MacFadyen: &#8220;I&#8217;m a Failure as a Mom&#8221; &#8212; FamilyLife\u00ae - A Cru Ministry\" data-secret=\"abwu3CD1AW\" frameborder=\"0\" marginwidth=\"0\" marginheight=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\" class=\"wp-embedded-content\"><\/iframe><script>\n\/*! This file is auto-generated *\/\n!function(d,l){\"use strict\";l.querySelector&&d.addEventListener&&\"undefined\"!=typeof URL&&(d.wp=d.wp||{},d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage||(d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage=function(e){var t=e.data;if((t||t.secret||t.message||t.value)&&!\/[^a-zA-Z0-9]\/.test(t.secret)){for(var s,r,n,a=l.querySelectorAll('iframe[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),o=l.querySelectorAll('blockquote[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),c=new RegExp(\"^https?:$\",\"i\"),i=0;i<o.length;i++)o[i].style.display=\"none\";for(i=0;i<a.length;i++)s=a[i],e.source===s.contentWindow&&(s.removeAttribute(\"style\"),\"height\"===t.message?(1e3<(r=parseInt(t.value,10))?r=1e3:~~r<200&&(r=200),s.height=r):\"link\"===t.message&&(r=new URL(s.getAttribute(\"src\")),n=new URL(t.value),c.test(n.protocol))&&n.host===r.host&&l.activeElement===s&&(d.top.location.href=t.value))}},d.addEventListener(\"message\",d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage,!1),l.addEventListener(\"DOMContentLoaded\",function(){for(var e,t,s=l.querySelectorAll(\"iframe.wp-embedded-content\"),r=0;r<s.length;r++)(t=(e=s[r]).getAttribute(\"data-secret\"))||(t=Math.random().toString(36).substring(2,12),e.src+=\"#?secret=\"+t,e.setAttribute(\"data-secret\",t)),e.contentWindow.postMessage({message:\"ready\",secret:t},\"*\")},!1)))}(window,document);\n\/\/# sourceURL=https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-includes\/js\/wp-embed.min.js\n<\/script>\n"},"uagb_featured_image_src":{"full":["https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg",508,508,false]},"uagb_author_info":{"display_name":"kfairris@familylife.com","author_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/author\/kfairrisfamilylife-com\/"},"uagb_comment_info":0,"uagb_excerpt":"Grappling with responsibility &amp; even failure as a mom over how your kids are turning out? Author Heather MacFadyen knows your anxiety -- and how to deal.","meta_box":{"show_notes":"<p>Find resources from this podcast at <a href=\"https:\/\/shop.familylife.com\/Products.aspx?categoryid=130\">shop.familylife.com<\/a>.<br \/>\nFind more content and resources on the <a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/app\/\">FamilyLife's app<\/a>!<br \/>\nHelp others find Familylife.\u00a0 Leave a review on <a href=\"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303\">Apple Podcast<\/a> or <a href=\"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm?si=d6dfa8d2415f4750\">Spotify<\/a>.<br \/>\nCheck out all the Familylife's on the <a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/familylife-podcast-network\/\">FamilyLife Podcast Network<\/a><\/p>\n","transcript_url":"https:\/\/transcript.familylife.com\/fl2022-05-05.pdf","transcript_content":"<p><strong>Dave:<\/strong> Okay, here\u2019s a question I think every mom and dad probably wrestles with: \u201cHow much of how my child turns out is my fault?\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann:<\/strong> Oh! Let\u2019s both answer it; like what do you think?<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dave:<\/strong> I don\u2019t know. I hope it\u2019s\u2014<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann:<\/strong> That\u2019s not it. Come on; you need to give me an answer.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dave:<\/strong> I hope it\u2019s really low.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann:<\/strong> Give me a number; pick a number.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dave:<\/strong> I would say 50 percent.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann:<\/strong> Okay; I would have probably said 80 [percent].<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u2014is the parents\u2019 fault.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes; that I am responsible.<\/p>\n<p><strong>\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>Welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>, where we want to help you pursue the relationships that matter most. I\u2019m Ann Wilson.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dave:<\/strong> And I\u2019m Dave Wilson, and you can find us at FamilyLifeToday.com or on our FamilyLife<sup>\u00ae<\/sup> app.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann:<\/strong> This is <em>FamilyLife<\/em>\u2014<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u2014<em>Today<\/em><\/p>\n<p>I actually got this question from a book I recently read called <em>Don\u2019t Mom Alone<\/em>. We have the author sitting in the studio today; welcome back.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Heather:<\/strong> Thanks for having me.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dave:<\/strong> I mean, do you remember this part of your book?<\/p>\n<p><strong>Heather:<\/strong> I do because I heard it from Townsend himself. We were at dinner, and I was telling him I was writing this book. He said he was asked that question from the stage\u2014he and Henry Cloud\u2014they said, \u201cOkay, let\u2019s play a game. We\u2019ll both write our numbers down. Then we\u2019ll show the audience at the same time, based on anecdotal cases.\u201d You know, they are both counselors; they both wrote down that the parents were 30 percent responsible.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann:<\/strong> That\u2019s amazing.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Heather:<\/strong> The trick\u2014it\u2019s like marketing\u2014you don\u2019t know which 30 percent. [Laughter]<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u2014which 30?<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann:<\/strong> Oh!<\/p>\n<p><strong>Heather:<\/strong> <em>So<\/em> I just encourage moms, like: \u201cYou\u2019re still intentional. You can read the books; you can take the classes. Pray your prayers, but you are <em>not<\/em> 100 percent responsible for the trajectory of your child.\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann:<\/strong> Well, I love what you said: \u201cGod\u2019s power to redeem your mistakes is bigger than your power to destroy your children.\u201d So many times, I was in bed at night, thinking, \u201cI am <em>wrecking<\/em> them.\u201d But what does that say about God?<\/p>\n<p><strong>Heather:<\/strong> It makes us into gods; doesn\u2019t it?<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann: <\/strong>Yes!<\/p>\n<p><strong>Heather: <\/strong>\u2014like we\u2019re creating little trophy children. I just don\u2019t believe that\u2019s how He works. I know enough parents, who are following Christ, whose kids are wayward\u2014maybe, never returning to faith\u2014and it breaks my heart how they can sometimes be treated by those in the church or messages they received.<\/p>\n<p>We do each other a disservice\u2014when we hold that line for ourselves\u2014we don\u2019t give ourselves enough grace. We don\u2019t give our <em>kids<\/em> enough grace to make mistakes; and give them the [right] message that: \u201cI\u2019ll love you no matter what. God is bigger than any of this.\u201d I don\u2019t know. I just don\u2019t know that it shows a lot of faith to believe that we are <em>fully<\/em> responsible.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dave:<\/strong> Is this a common mom thing? Because as I am listening to you two moms talk about it, it feels like it\u2019s both; because I\u2019ve done this as well as a dad. I know dads do; but it feels like there is a <em>heightened<\/em> responsibility that moms feel like, \u201cI am responsible for how my child turns out: good or bad.\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Heather:<\/strong> Yes.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dave:<\/strong> Maybe, not good; they don\u2019t take responsibility when they turn out good, but they definitely\u2014<\/p>\n<p><strong>Heather:<\/strong> Well, that is what a mentor did say: \u201cIf I take responsibility for the good, I take responsibility for the bad\u201d; because Facebook<sup>\u00ae<\/sup> is filled with all of the trophies and the awards. Especially when they are hitting the teenage years, I think they start to perform in ways that make us feel really good about ourselves.<\/p>\n<p>But then I think about my friends, whose kids are <em>really<\/em> struggling right now, especially with COVID\u2014I mean, mental health issues are at an all-time high\u2014suicide. I\u2019m thinking of each of those friends, too, when I see those posts. It grieves my heart, because it does cause more and more isolation in those teen years because of that line between a parent\u2019s role and how they turn out. I don\u2019t know if\u2014I\u2019m not a dad, so I can\u2019t say if it is <em>more<\/em>\u2014if the weight is <em>more<\/em> for a mom, but it feels pretty <em>heavy<\/em> for moms.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann:<\/strong> I agree.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dave:<\/strong> I felt that way in <em>our<\/em> home\u2014it felt like I tended, and this may be denial\u2014[Laughter]<\/p>\n<p><strong>Heather:<\/strong> There could be personality that plays into that; I don\u2019t know.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u2014I think, in some ways, I did step into denial. I would say to you [Ann], \u201cHey, it\u2019s their responsibility. Who they become, as a man, is up to them; it\u2019s not up to us.\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann:<\/strong> That was good for me to hear; I\u2019m <em>glad<\/em> you said that.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes; but I mean, you didn\u2019t\u2014I mean, you are saying that <em>now<\/em>\u2014[Laughter]\u2014but then, you were like, \u201cWhat do you mean?! It\u2019s all on <em>us<\/em>.\u201d Actually, I felt like she was saying, \u201cIt\u2019s all on <em>you<\/em>; you need to be the dad.\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Heather:<\/strong> Yes.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dave:<\/strong> But we do <em>carry<\/em> that. There is a sense that\/in some ways, I\u2019m hearing moms carry it a little bit more\u2014maybe not; maybe, it is personality-related\u2014but it is a sense of\/it gets us back to that quote: \u201cIf we feel like it is our responsibility, then we are not depending on God. Is there a God?\u2014is He in control?\u2014does He have our kids?\u201d How do you wrestle with that tension if you\u2019re living between those two realities?\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Heather:<\/strong> For me, it was, again, getting to the end of myself\u2014having a panic attack in the chicken\/the fried chicken drive-thru\u2014where I was holding it <em>all<\/em>. I was holding four young boys, and not just how they turned out, but just physically caring for them. I think I feared, not just other people\u2019s approval or being rejected, but their safety. It felt like a heavy load that, if something physically happened to them\u2014where they ran into the street\u2014I mean, that was on <em>me<\/em>. I was overwhelmed by all of that.<\/p>\n<p>My husband\u2014this often coincides with their careers growing\u2014they are working a lot; so you can feel lonely in that you are not emotionally connected to your spouse, so you\u2019re not getting that. Then I had pulled away from friends because it was just the time\u2014I didn\u2019t have it; I really didn\u2019t have it\u2014and I didn\u2019t have energy, when I did have time, to hang out with people. All of that pressure on me\u2014all of those fears and the isolation from others, who were saying, \u201cYou\u2019re doing a great job,\u201d\u2014or even if you don\u2019t believe them; it\u2019s hard for me, too\u2014\u201cThis is normal,\u201d <em>wasn\u2019t<\/em> there. It all collided into a panic attack.<\/p>\n<p>It took me, finally, seeing a counselor to say: \u201cThis is normal; this pressure is normal. Your desire to do this well is normal.\u201d I don\u2019t know why I had to pay someone <em>finally<\/em>; it would have been cheaper to have friends! I do think that all of that pressure for moms, particularly, comes together; and it actually keeps us from being the moms we want to be, which is the <em>saddest<\/em> part of it; I want to free moms from that.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dave:<\/strong> I\u2019m just picturing you in a drive-thru. I mean, you don\u2019t see that posted on Facebook\u2014<\/p>\n<p><strong>Heather:<\/strong> No.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u2014\u201cI had a panic attack today.\u201d Do you think a lot of moms are at that breaking point?<\/p>\n<p><strong>Heather:<\/strong> I think the last two years, <em>for sure<\/em>, because even if they had touches of community on the sidelines of a sporting event or touches of community in the hallways of a church, they haven\u2019t had that in a lot of places. They\u2019ve been very, very physically isolated from people for two years\u2014I think that for sure\u2014I mean, even our family in England, it\u2019s been rough; so yes, they are feeling the pressure.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann:<\/strong> Heather, what about your relationship with Jesus? You\u2019ve talked about that in your book. The subtitle is <em>Growing the Relationships You Need to be the Mom You Want to Be<\/em>. You\u2019re talking about how we do need friendships with other women, but you\u2019re also talking about this relationship with God\u2014we mentioned that yesterday\u2014\u201cHow have you developed that? What does that look like?\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Heather:<\/strong> I\u2019ve walked through\u2014in addition to the counseling\u2014and inner healing prayer ministry and the Holy Spirit just doing some work in my life to combat some lies that I\u2019ve been holding onto that were coloring all these relationships. Until I dealt with them, and invited Jesus in and kind of <em>allowed<\/em> Him into the places that I was thinking I was keeping Him at an arm\u2019s distance, I couldn\u2019t then engage in these horizontal relationships.<\/p>\n<p>For me, the healing\u2014yes, I had to talk to a counselor; and I joked about it would be easier with a friend\u2014but I think, then, it was that layer of healing that came from\/only God could do. I could have <em>all<\/em> the people in the world tell me words of: \u201cOh, you shouldn\u2019t worry about other people\u2019s approval,\u201d or \u201cYou\u2019re not responsible,\u201d or \u201cYou don\u2019t need to have that fear\u201d; but I needed a supernatural deliverance from a spirit of fear\/a supernatural deliverance of a soul tie that I had that I wasn\u2019t hearing directly from God.<\/p>\n<p>Having that almost cleared away and healed up, I think led me to the next level of healing, which is through our 12-Step Celebrate Recovery at church, and the community that came alongside me to, then, continue to combat those lies and wrong beliefs, and how they were coming out sideways in relationships. That\u2019s why I start the book with the relationship we need, first, is God; because if we haven\u2019t done the work with God, we will continue to interact with people with those false beliefs and those false ideas.<\/p>\n<p>We might even look to people to be something they were never intended to be: we might be too vulnerable and scare people <em>off<\/em>. We might say that vulnerable thing\u2014I\u2019ve had people say, \u201cWell, I am vulnerable with people; it doesn\u2019t <em>work<\/em>.\u201d I\u2019m thinking: \u201cPossibly, this is some deep-rooted work that needs to be done with you and God,\u201d and \u201cWhat you are needing from people, they could never satisfy.\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann:<\/strong> That really is the picture of Dave and I on our ten-year anniversary. We wrote a book called <em>Vertical Marriage<\/em>; and basically, I was saying, \u201cI have nothing left for you. I don\u2019t have <em>any<\/em> feelings for you.\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dave:<\/strong> Two little babies and toddlers at home.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Heather: <\/strong>Yes.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes; part of it, now\u2014because we\u2019ve done counseling <em>since<\/em>\u2014is I\/exactly what you said\u2014I was trying to get from Dave what only God could give.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Heather:<\/strong> Yes.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann:<\/strong> I think there is a beauty to that\/of realizing, \u201cNo one can give that to me except Jesus.\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Heather:<\/strong> Yes.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann:<\/strong> There is an awakening. I think I am so passionate about this for women; because I <em>see<\/em> women so tied up, so longing for more; and they are <em>not free<\/em>.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Heather:<\/strong> Yes.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann:<\/strong> They have so much pain, so much baggage, so many wounds. I carried that for years, and years, and years\u2014of wounds, of things that had happened that were still affecting my decisions and my joy. So when I read that, I was like, \u201cYes! You really did do the work to get some help and that inner healing.\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Heather:<\/strong> And it\u2019s <em>so<\/em> beautiful when I get to do that with other friends\u2014friends that I\u2019ve been in Bible studies with; and we\u2019ve been circling the same symptoms over, and over, and over again\u2014but when we get to bring it to God, and get to uproot the core memory or whatever\/whatever they started believing that doesn\u2019t line up with God\u2019s truth about who they are\u2014and we get to invite Jesus in and reframe the memory; and see them walk out of that prayer session, just full of life and freedom\u2014is such a gift to me. It encourages my faith, because every story is so unique.<\/p>\n<p>I haven\u2019t prayed with someone and seen the exact same\u2014but Jesus is the same every time we invite Him in\u2014He is the same yesterday, today, and forever. He shows up with the same character the same way: He engages with them. It\u2019s such a gift to realize that this same Jesus is here for <em>everyone<\/em>; we simply invite Him to those places.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dave:<\/strong> You know, it\u2019s interesting\u2014it\u2019s a long story, so I can\u2019t tell it\u2014but I can tell this part: I sat with a guy, who walked me through healing prayer about my dad leaving; and again, there are details and things listeners have heard me say before; but at the end of that prayer\u2014and it was a 10-\/15-minute sort of journey\u2014one of the things that I feel like God spoke to me that I <em>never<\/em> understood\u2014and I\u2019m\/I was in my 50s at this moment, so a long life\u2014was I had spent decades of my life mad at my dad for leaving when I was seven years old, blaming him for different aspects of my life. I felt like God was saying\u2014and I should have heard this earlier, but it was the first time it had ever really hit me\u2014He was saying, \u201cI protected you.\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Heather:<\/strong> Yes.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dave:<\/strong> Even in that phrase, it wasn\u2019t: \u201cI removed your dad from your life Your dad made a decision. That was <em>his<\/em> decision and left; but you\u2019ve always felt like, \u2018If I would have had him, I would have\u2026\u2019 He\u2019s like, \u201cDo you understand, if he would have been in your life, you are <em>not<\/em> the man you are today because it would have been <em>negative<\/em>.\u201d It was one of these freeing moments\u2014like something I thought was always <em>evil<\/em>, God was turning for good; and God was there. It\u2019s what you just said\u2014it was when you connect with God on that kind of intimate level, which can involve another: mom or another dad in your life; but man, if you don\u2019t have that connection with Jesus <em>yourself<\/em>, nothing else\u2014<\/p>\n<p><strong>Heather:<\/strong> No, you\u2014<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u2014no other mom will ever be it.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Heather:<\/strong> I\u2019m guessing that you\u2014and any interaction between the time that your dad left and that prayer time\u2014you were protecting yourself from rejection in the future.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dave:<\/strong> Right; yes.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Heather:<\/strong> When God said, \u201cNo, this wasn\u2019t a rejection; this was a protection,\u201d\u2014<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Heather:<\/strong> \u2014it reframes it. You\u2019re no longer fighting to keep people from rejecting you.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dave:<\/strong> Right.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Heather:<\/strong> You are free to love them for who they are.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dave:<\/strong> Exactly. That was one of my lies\u2014is: \u201cI have to.\u201d You just said you had to do lies. What\u2019s a lie? Are you willing to tell us one of the lies that you had?<\/p>\n<p><strong>Heather:<\/strong> That I had? I\u2019ve had lies of not being safe\u2014recently, after my dad passed, I had a lie that God got it wrong. That was wrong, and I had bitterness rooted. I will tell you I physically felt free when I confessed [emotion in voice], \u201cGod, I am believing that You got this <em>wrong<\/em>. Please forgive me.\u201d And He is <em>always<\/em> willing; He\u2019s like, \u201cOf course, My daughter, I just want you to believe what is true. I don\u2019t want you to live in a state of bitterness.\u201d He is willing to offer us forgiveness; we just have to align our beliefs with what\u2019s true.<\/p>\n<p>That confession\u2014confession, I think, gets such a bad rap of being this: \u201cOh, I did something wrong; I better confess it,\u201d\u2014no; what if it\u2019s: \u201cI\u2019ve just been believing something that is not true\u201d? Whatever that is\u2014if you are listening\u2014like ask God, \u201cWhat have I been believing about You\/about others that is <em>not<\/em> true?\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann:<\/strong> I did the same thing with a woman. I\u2019d been already dealing with my past abuse. She walked me through some inner healing; and she said, \u201cWhat is the lie that you\u2019ve started to believe?\u201d because I felt so unworthy. She said, \u201cI want you to <em>confess<\/em> it.\u201d I said, \u201cConfess it!\u201d\u2014like, \u201cI didn\u2019t do anything; I was <em>abused<\/em>. I am the person abused,\u201d\u2014she said, \u201cNo, confess the lie that you came to believe about who God says you are as His child and His daughter.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>I mean, I sobbed because it was: \u201cI believe I am not worthy of Your love. I believe I don\u2019t have what it takes to be a good mom or a wife.\u201d It was this onslaught of emotions, and I am sobbing. It was just this beautiful picture\u2014and then even asking the question\u2014she asked, \u201cGod, what do You want Ann to know? What do You want <em>her<\/em> to realize?\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Heather:<\/strong> Yes.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann:<\/strong> It was just this <em>beautiful<\/em> picture. I use my imagination for all kinds of crazy things; you know?<\/p>\n<p><strong>Heather:<\/strong> Yes.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann:<\/strong> I think the Holy Spirit likes to take control if we allow Him, and it\u2019s governed by God\u2019s\u2014<\/p>\n<p><strong>Heather:<\/strong> \u2014Word.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u2014Word\u2014<\/p>\n<p><strong>Heather:<\/strong> Yes.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u2014and the solid foundation of the gospel, that He wants to free us from these things. I think that is the best place to start.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Heather:<\/strong> He doesn\u2019t want us to be in a broken world, and He doesn\u2019t want sin to interact with our story. That\u2019s the freedom, even of moms that I am trying to communicate, is: \u201cEven if you do <em>all<\/em> the things, and keep <em>all<\/em> the rules, and you\u2019re the most intentional and you follow the list, evil will intersect with your child. If we have these tools\u201d\u2014what I love is learning these tools so, when my child starts to say something that I know is not true\u2014instead of dismissing it and saying, \u201cWell, that\u2019s not true; you\u2019re not an idiot,\u201d\u2014we can say, \u201cThat doesn\u2019t line up with what I\u2019ve read in God\u2019s Word. Let\u2019s pray; let\u2019s listen.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>I\u2019ve done that with one of my sons. He\u2014and we say, \u201cOkay, if anything comes to your mind, let\u2019s just thank God for that,\u201d\u2014I did it with Him. I said, \u201cI hear Him calling you a caretaker.\u201d His eyes <em>popped<\/em> open; he said, \u201cI heard the same thing!\u201d I think we have these tools; and as moms, we then don\u2019t have to fear: \u201cWhat if something happens to my kid?\u201d \u201cWhat if I make a mistake?\u201d because we have the tools and God\u2019s Word to redeem, and restore, and recover, just like God did in <em>our<\/em> stories.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dave:<\/strong> And I\u2019m sitting here, as a husband,\u2014<\/p>\n<p><strong>Heather:<\/strong> Yes.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u2014looking at two women, who are moms, and are talking about freedom, which I think there are probably a lot of moms, going, \u201cI don\u2019t think I\u2019ve tasted that kind of freedom.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Here is my question: \u201cWhat do we do, as men, when we see our wives locked up? They are not free. They are believing lies; we can sort of see it; but yet, when I would try to speak truth into Ann, she would often just dismiss it. Then I would think, \u201cAh, you don\u2019t need me; I can\u2019t help.\u201d I felt like I wasn\u2019t\u2014almost like you needed another woman\/another mom\u2014\u201cI can\u2019t help you, but I want to!\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Heather:<\/strong> Yes.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dave:<\/strong> So you are two moms; you\u2019re two wives. What would you say to the men? \u201cHow do we help when we see you\u2019re locked up?\u201d I\u2019m not saying we\u2019re <em>not<\/em> locked up.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Shelby:<\/strong> You\u2019re listening to Dave and Ann Wilson with Heather MacFadyen on <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. We\u2019ll get back to the conversation in just a minute; but first, I want to let you know about a special group of people, who help make conversations like today\u2019s possible; they are called FamilyLife Partners. It\u2019s a community of people who believe in our mission and give financially every month.<\/p>\n<p>And thanks to some generous partners, right now, if you sign up to give monthly, you, not only receive all the benefits of our Partner program, but your donation will also be doubled for a <em>year<\/em>. That means, if you give $25 dollars a month, the impact is actually $50 a month. On top of that, when you give this month, as our thanks to you, we will send you a bundle of resources, including two books: one, <em>A Lifelong Love<\/em> by Gary Thomas; and second, <em>Not Part of the Plan<\/em> by Kristen Clark and Bethany Beal.<\/p>\n<p>Become a monthly Partner, have your gift doubled for a year; and then get a bundle of books\u2014pretty good deal; right?\u2014you can give today at FamilyLifeToday.com or by calling 1-800-358-6329; that\u2019s 1-800-\u201cF\u201d as in family, \u201cL\u201d as in life, and then the word, \u201cTODAY.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Alright; now, back to Dave and Ann Wilson with Heather MacFadyen.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Heather:<\/strong> I think, sometimes when men want to help\u2014and that means <em>doing a thing<\/em>\u2014and I would say, sometimes, with an age-old: \u201cWe want you to listen.\u201d I think ultimately, you could do all of the things; but when it\u2019s God\u2019s right timing, He\u2019ll redeem and restore. I think loving her by knowing how she <em>receives<\/em> love is really helpful. I think you\/the desire is to fix <em>her<\/em>.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes; right. I\u2019ve tried that <em>many times<\/em>.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Heather:<\/strong> That\u2019s only God\u2019s job to do.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dave: <\/strong>Yes.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann:<\/strong> I think, too, Dave: sometimes, what I can feel, as a woman, is you don\u2019t like that I\u2019m in a bad place.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dave:<\/strong> You didn\u2019t have to say that. [Laughter]<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann:<\/strong> No, no; I mean, I don\u2019t see that in a bad place, because none of us do\/no person.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Heather:<\/strong> No man wants their wife to be in a bad place, so he wants to fix it.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes; that\u2019s commendable for a man, because I think men feel responsible; and you do want to fix it.<\/p>\n<p>I think for men to go to their wives, if she is saying something negative, to ask the question: \u201cTell me more. What do you mean by that?\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Heather:<\/strong> Get curious.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann:<\/strong> I think that curiosity builds a bridge, like, \u201cOh, he cares; and doesn\u2019t just want me to snap out of it because it\u2019s inconvenient.\u201d It\u2019s that: \u201cOh, he cares; and he wants to know.\u201d That\u2019s super helpful.<\/p>\n<p>And to not stop saying the things that you see in her\u2014because you would say, \u201cOh, you look so good\u201d; I\u2019m like, \u201cNo, I don\u2019t! Look my pants are too tight,\u201d\u2014for you to not stop, because you\u2019ve been really good at that over the years; you\u2019re really great at complimenting me. I think you get discouraged, like, \u201cIt doesn\u2019t do anything; you don\u2019t believe it\u201d; but <em>don\u2019t<\/em> stop!<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes, I would feel at times\u2014I went on a journey, from early marriage where, \u201cShe doesn\u2019t really believe that. There is <em>no way<\/em> she looks in a mirror and thinks she\u2019s not the most gorgeous woman I\u2019ve ever seen,\u201d\u2014because that\u2019s what I think. I would make fun of it, like, \u201cYes, whatever! You don\u2019t think that.\u201d I don\u2019t know how long it took me; but there was a day, where I was like, \u201cOh my goodness!\u201d It was like a revelation: \u201cShe really doesn\u2019t think\u2026She believes this lie.\u201d Then, I had to go, \u201cOh, I\u2019m hurting her by saying, \u2018You don\u2019t believe\u2026\u2019\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann:<\/strong> You would get mad at me.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes; I mean, I was being the <em>worst<\/em> husband. I\u2019m talking decades here, I think\u2014where I was like, \u201cOh, she needs me to partner with her and be the voice of Jesus, saying, \u2018This is what is true,\u2019\u201d\u2014then she wouldn\u2019t listen to it. I would often, then, get frustrated, like, \u201cI\u2019m trying to help you; and you still don\u2019t buy it.\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Heather:<\/strong> Yes.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dave:<\/strong> I think, at the end of the day\u2014and this would probably be true for men or women\u2014I think one of our roles as\u2014and I am speaking to the guys now; maybe, your wife made you listen to this\u2014[Laughter]\u2014here is what I would say to the guys; because for a long time, Ann said, \u201cI feel alone as a mom,\u201d\u2014and I would be like, \u201cWhat are you <em>talking<\/em> about?!\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann:<\/strong> [Speaking harshly] \u201cYou\u2019ve got all kinds of people around you.\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dave:<\/strong> Look, she even does the voice; you know? It\u2019s got the <em>harshness<\/em>.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Heather:<\/strong> It\u2019s got that accent; that\u2019s good. [Laughter]<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dave:<\/strong> She would say, \u201cWhen you talk, you act like I\u2019m an idiot.\u201d That\u2019s how I did it; I\u2019m like, \u201cCome on! What are you talking about?!\u201d<\/p>\n<p>I would say to the guys: \u201cI need to realize she <em>really<\/em> does feel alone.\u201d I would say two things:<\/p>\n<ul>\n<li>Number one: partner with her; this is a <em>really<\/em> hard job as a mom. She is carrying something that I don\u2019t think we fully understand, because we don\u2019t carry it in the same way. Be her partner. Help out\u2014right?\u2014and you would say, \u201cJust help me!\u201d That would be number one.<\/li>\n<li>Number two would be: create a way\/a space in her life, so she can connect with God and connect with other women.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p><strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes, that\u2019s big.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dave:<\/strong> Figure out a way in your schedule to say, \u201cI\u2019m going to carve out a night,\u201d\u2014maybe, once a week; I don\u2019t know what it is\u2014but say, \u201cYou know what? It\u2019s about helping her find time to be with Jesus, because it is really hard for her to do as a mom.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Number two\u2014have some friends\u2014so: \u201cGo out with your friends and find your tribe.\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Heather:<\/strong> And don\u2019t make her feel guilty for that.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann: <\/strong>Yes: \u201cWhat time are you going to get home?\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Heather:<\/strong> I think, even then, moms won\u2019t take the time; because they feel bad that they are not there\u2014they\u2019ve been there all day\u2014I think it\u2019s <em>really<\/em> hard for my mom friends, who do work outside the home, to take any time\u2014<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann:<\/strong> Right.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u2014because they\u2019ve already been gone.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Heather:<\/strong> \u2014because they feel like they\u2019ve already been gone so they don\u2019t deserve that. I think that is a lie too.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dave:<\/strong> So guys, you got your assignment today [Laughter]: \u201c Are you going to do it?\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Heather:<\/strong> Well, and the same message of\u2014\u201cGod is bigger; we are not fully responsible for our kids,\u201d\u2014you, as men, are not <em>fully<\/em> responsible for your wives. God is big enough; He can minister to her heart. Your job is to love and support her, just like our job is to love and support our kids.<\/p>\n<p><strong>\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>Shelby:<\/strong> That\u2019s Dave and Ann Wilson, talking with Heather MacFadyen on <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. You can get a copy of Heather\u2019s book, <em>Don\u2019t Mom Alone<\/em>, at FamilyLifeToday.com or by calling 1-800-358-6329; that\u2019s 1-800-\u201cF\u201d as in family, \u201cL\u201d as in life, and then the word, \u201cTODAY.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>And if, while you were listening today, and you thought of someone who would completely relate with the conversation, consider sharing it from wherever you get your podcasts. And while you are there, it would really help get the word out if you\u2019d rate and review us.<\/p>\n<p>You know, so many moms feel like they are a bad mom because of \u201cX,\u201d \u201cY,\u201d and \u201cZ\u201d that they <em>aren\u2019t<\/em> doing. Well, tomorrow, Dave and Ann are going to be talking, again, with Heather MacFadyen about living in the moment; so you can escape bad thoughts like that. That\u2019s coming up tomorrow. We hope you can join us.<\/p>\n<p>On behalf of Dave and Ann Wilson, I\u2019m Shelby Abbott. We will see you back next time for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>.<\/p>\n<p><em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife, a Cru<sup>\u00ae <\/sup>Ministry.<\/p>\n<p>Helping you pursue the relationships that matter most.<\/p>\n<p><strong>\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>We are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?<\/p>\n<p>Copyright <sup>\u00a9<\/sup> 2022 FamilyLife. 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