{"id":307498,"date":"2022-05-04T08:02:07","date_gmt":"2022-05-04T12:02:07","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/%series%\/heather-macfadyen-dont-mom-alone\/"},"modified":"2025-05-16T13:43:09","modified_gmt":"2025-05-16T17:43:09","slug":"heather-macfadyen-dont-mom-alone","status":"publish","type":"podcast","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/heather-macfadyen-dont-mom-alone\/","title":{"rendered":"Heather MacFadyen: Don&#8217;t Mom Alone"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Stuck feeling defeated as a mom? Don&#8217;t go it alone! Author Heather MacFadyen shows how you can be foster key relationships with God, others, &amp; your kids to be the mom you want to be.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Stuck feeling defeated as a mom? Don&#8217;t go it alone! Author Heather MacFadyen shows how you can be foster key relationships with God, others, &amp; your kids to be the mom you want to be.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":91,"featured_media":294104,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"","_seopress_robots_index":"","inline_featured_image":false,"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","episode_type":"audio","audio_file":"https:\/\/mp3.familylife.com\/fl2022-05-04.mp3","podmotor_file_id":"","podmotor_episode_id":"","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"00:","filesize":"25.48M","filesize_raw":"26716725","date_recorded":"2022-05-04 08:02:07","explicit":"","block":""},"categories":[2850,2838],"tags":[7087],"podcast_series":[],"cwp_profile":[9774],"series":[2101],"class_list":["post-307498","podcast","type-podcast","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-character-development","category-mothers","tag-dont-mom-alone","cwp_profile-heather-macfadyen","series-familylife-today"],"acf":[],"episode_featured_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg?w=508","episode_player_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2023\/02\/image-scaled.jpg","download_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-download\/307498\/heather-macfadyen-dont-mom-alone","player_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-player\/307498\/heather-macfadyen-dont-mom-alone","audio_player":null,"episode_data":{"playerMode":"light","subscribeUrls":{"apple_podcasts":{"key":"apple_podcasts","url":"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303?mt=2&app=podcast","label":"Apple Podcasts","class":"apple_podcasts","icon":"apple-podcasts.png"},"google_podcasts":{"key":"google_podcasts","url":"","label":"Google Podcasts","class":"google_podcasts","icon":"google-podcasts.png"},"spotify":{"key":"spotify","url":"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm","label":"Spotify","class":"spotify","icon":"spotify.png"},"youtube":{"key":"youtube","url":"","label":"YouTube","class":"youtube","icon":"youtube.png"}},"rssFeedUrl":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/feed\/podcast\/familylife-today","embedCode":"<blockquote class=\"wp-embedded-content\" data-secret=\"BeXkSoqUMo\"><a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/heather-macfadyen-dont-mom-alone\/\">Heather MacFadyen: Don&#8217;t Mom Alone<\/a><\/blockquote><iframe sandbox=\"allow-scripts\" security=\"restricted\" src=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/heather-macfadyen-dont-mom-alone\/embed\/#?secret=BeXkSoqUMo\" width=\"500\" height=\"350\" title=\"&#8220;Heather MacFadyen: Don&#8217;t Mom Alone&#8221; &#8212; FamilyLife\u00ae - A Cru Ministry\" data-secret=\"BeXkSoqUMo\" frameborder=\"0\" marginwidth=\"0\" marginheight=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\" class=\"wp-embedded-content\"><\/iframe><script>\n\/*! This file is auto-generated *\/\n!function(d,l){\"use strict\";l.querySelector&&d.addEventListener&&\"undefined\"!=typeof URL&&(d.wp=d.wp||{},d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage||(d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage=function(e){var t=e.data;if((t||t.secret||t.message||t.value)&&!\/[^a-zA-Z0-9]\/.test(t.secret)){for(var s,r,n,a=l.querySelectorAll('iframe[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),o=l.querySelectorAll('blockquote[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),c=new RegExp(\"^https?:$\",\"i\"),i=0;i<o.length;i++)o[i].style.display=\"none\";for(i=0;i<a.length;i++)s=a[i],e.source===s.contentWindow&&(s.removeAttribute(\"style\"),\"height\"===t.message?(1e3<(r=parseInt(t.value,10))?r=1e3:~~r<200&&(r=200),s.height=r):\"link\"===t.message&&(r=new URL(s.getAttribute(\"src\")),n=new URL(t.value),c.test(n.protocol))&&n.host===r.host&&l.activeElement===s&&(d.top.location.href=t.value))}},d.addEventListener(\"message\",d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage,!1),l.addEventListener(\"DOMContentLoaded\",function(){for(var e,t,s=l.querySelectorAll(\"iframe.wp-embedded-content\"),r=0;r<s.length;r++)(t=(e=s[r]).getAttribute(\"data-secret\"))||(t=Math.random().toString(36).substring(2,12),e.src+=\"#?secret=\"+t,e.setAttribute(\"data-secret\",t)),e.contentWindow.postMessage({message:\"ready\",secret:t},\"*\")},!1)))}(window,document);\n\/\/# sourceURL=https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-includes\/js\/wp-embed.min.js\n<\/script>\n"},"uagb_featured_image_src":{"full":["https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg",508,508,false]},"uagb_author_info":{"display_name":"kfairris@familylife.com","author_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/author\/kfairrisfamilylife-com\/"},"uagb_comment_info":0,"uagb_excerpt":"Stuck feeling defeated as a mom? Don't go it alone! Author Heather MacFadyen shows how you can be foster key relationships with God, others, &amp; your kids to be the mom you want to be.","meta_box":{"show_notes":"<p>Find resources from this podcast at <a href=\"https:\/\/shop.familylife.com\/Products.aspx?categoryid=130\">shop.familylife.com<\/a>.<br \/>Find more content and resources on the <a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/app\/\">FamilyLife's app<\/a>!<br \/>Help others find Familylife.\u00a0 Leave a review on <a href=\"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303\">Apple Podcast<\/a> or <a href=\"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm?si=d6dfa8d2415f4750\">Spotify<\/a>.<br \/>Check out all the Familylife's on the <a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/familylife-podcast-network\/\">FamilyLife Podcast Network<\/a><\/p>\n","transcript_url":"https:\/\/transcript.familylife.com\/fl2022-05-04.pdf","transcript_content":"<p><strong>Dave:<\/strong> Before we get started today, I think we need to talk about something. I don\u2019t think our listeners probably understand.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann:<\/strong> But it\u2019s really important.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u2014really important that we are a listener-supported program. In other words, we exist and are able to bring this kind of content to marriages and families because people are generous, financially, to jump in and be a part of making this ministry possible.<\/p>\n<p>In fact, what\u2019s exciting is right now we have a spring match going on, where if you join in\u2014and maybe you\u2019ve never done this before, so we\u2019re asking you to become a FamilyLife Partner, a monthly partner\u2014your gift, of any amount that\u2019s given monthly, will be <em>doubled<\/em>\u2014<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u2014[for a] year.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dave:<\/strong> It\u2019s amazing to think if I give $100, it\u2019s doubled for a <em>whole year<\/em>.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann:<\/strong> We\u2019re really asking you to become our partner\/a <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> monthly Partner.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dave:<\/strong> You want to change your marriage, jump in with us; you could possibly change a family legacy.<\/p>\n<p>By the way, I\u2019ll throw this in real quick: you get some insider Partner benefits, like updates on our new products; a membership to our new Partners-only community; invitation-only events, even live FamilyLife events with some of our authors. All those details to come later.<\/p>\n<p>But I just want to encourage you to jump in and join us. Your gift of any amount gets doubled, and it can change the legacy of a family. Who doesn\u2019t want to be a part of that?<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann:<\/strong> To join us, go to FamilyLifeToday.com; and become a Partner <em>with us<\/em>.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Heather:<\/strong> In motherhood\u2014it was <em>very humbling<\/em> I found very quickly\u2014I think we hadn\u2019t even left the <em>hospital<\/em> with my oldest, and I was in tears.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dave:<\/strong> What is it that\u2019s so hard? I mean\u2014[Laughter]<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u2014said the man.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Heather:<\/strong> Can we please pull that? Can you please pull that quote and start the episode with that?\u2014because that is the best statement; you\u2019re amazing.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dave:<\/strong> Exactly! Because I\u2019m thinking there are guys, like me, listening, going, \u201cSeriously, you two are like, \u2018It\u2019s the hardest thing in the world,\u2019\u201d Like, \u201cReally? Is it that hard?\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann:<\/strong> Welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>, where we want to help you pursue the relationships that matter most. I\u2019m Ann Wilson.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dave:<\/strong> And I\u2019m Dave Wilson, and you can find us at FamilyLifeToday.com or on our FamilyLife<sup>\u00ae<\/sup> app.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann:<\/strong> This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>!<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dave:<\/strong> After 36 years of being a mom, I want to know the Ann Wilson secret\/the mom secret\u2014<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann:<\/strong> Jesus!<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dave: <\/strong>\u2014to be able to give moms. I was going to say, \u201cYou can\u2019t say, \u2018Jesus.\u2019\u201d Don\u2019t give me this canned \u201cJesus\u201d answer. [Laughter]<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann:<\/strong> Well, that\u2019s true; <em>but<\/em>\u2014<\/p>\n<p><strong>Heather:<\/strong> \u2014somewhat.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dave:<\/strong> I mean, you raised three sons; now we have grandkids. You\u2019ve <em>done<\/em> it. If there is like one secret\u2014<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann:<\/strong> I think the thing that surprised me the most is how much I needed other women\/other moms in my life to encourage me.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dave:<\/strong> You\u2019re saying that because of who\u2019s sitting in our studio today. [Laughter]<\/p>\n<p><strong>Heather:<\/strong> That was a leading question.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann:<\/strong> No, no; it\u2019s true, because I don\u2019t think I had any idea how lonely I would be, as a mom\u2014because we moved to Detroit; I was pregnant; I had a baby; I didn\u2019t have a church; I didn\u2019t have a community\u2014and I was <em>dying<\/em>; I was <em>miserable<\/em>. It\u2019s\u2014<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dave:<\/strong> And I was blamed for all of that, by the way. [Laughter]<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann:<\/strong> I\u2019m sorry; I probably did blame you. But I <em>needed<\/em> some women.<\/p>\n<p>I think you\u2019re right; the reason we\u2019re talking about that is because we have Heather MacFadyen with us, who\u2019s written a book called <em>Don\u2019t Mom Alone<\/em>. Heather, welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Heather:<\/strong> Oh, y\u2019all are so fun. Thanks for having me.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann:<\/strong> It\u2019s been getting a little wild in the studio. Heather brings out this crazy side of me. [Laughter]<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dave:<\/strong> Well, you\u2019re a mother of four boys.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Heather:<\/strong> That\u2019s true.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dave:<\/strong> Ann\u2019s a mom of three boys. We\u2019ve got two boy moms in the studio, and you\u2019ve got to have a certain <em>quality<\/em> to be boy moms.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann:<\/strong> What is that? [Laughter]<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dave:<\/strong> I don\u2019t know. [Laughter]<\/p>\n<p><strong>Heather:<\/strong> Maybe it pulls something out of you in reaction to all of the boy\u2014<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann:<\/strong> That could be.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Heather:<\/strong> \u2014being in the environment.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann:<\/strong> But Heather, share with us and our listeners, what do you do?\u2014and even your podcast.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Heather:<\/strong> I began writing online before Facebook<sup>\u00ae<\/sup> was a thing, and then\u2014<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dave:<\/strong> Now, wait, wait; how long ago was that?<\/p>\n<p><strong>\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>Heather:<\/strong> It\u2019s a long time ago\u20142008. How do you say that anymore?\u20142008; two thousand eight.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dave:<\/strong> You were like blogging or just writing articles about being a mom.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Heather:<\/strong> Blogging; this is what people would do.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann: <\/strong>Yes; that was <em>big<\/em>.<\/p>\n<p><strong>\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>Heather: <\/strong>My in-laws and my parents\u2014neither one lived in our city\u2014so I was like you, isolated from community and from family. How you updated them was you wrote online and shared, \u201cWe went to the zoo today.\u201d I did that; and then, it kind of became a ministry, where I was sharing what God was teaching me. That transitioned into a podcast in 2013\u2014eight years ago\/almost eight and a half.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dave:<\/strong> Just a few people listen.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Heather:<\/strong> Yes, now people are listening all over the world. It\u2019s called <em>Don\u2019t Mom Alone<\/em>.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann:<\/strong> Mom\u2019s should all listen to this. I just sent it to a bunch of young moms that I\u2019m doing a small group with, because it\u2019s encouraging.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Heather: <\/strong>I hope so.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dave:<\/strong> I would say, dads could\/I listened to it.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Heather:<\/strong> Oh, look at you!<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dave:<\/strong> I mean, I was like\u2014I read your book\u2014but I wanted to hear a little bit, so I clicked on a couple [of episodes]. We know Dr. Juli Slattery; you had her on recently. I was like, \u201cMan, men could learn <em>a lot<\/em> from this podcast.\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Heather:<\/strong> \u2014from women in general. [Laugher] I have a few dads hanging in.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann:<\/strong> Do you?<\/p>\n<p><strong>Heather:<\/strong> Yes, we need to get some merch for them: \u201cDon\u2019t Dad Alone.\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dave:<\/strong> If I asked you, \u201cIs there a mom secret?\u201d\u2014I know you, obviously, are going to talk a little bit about what Ann said that you can\u2019t mother alone\u2014but is there something that comes to your mind that\u2019s like: \u201cOkay, this would be mine; this would be the secret I think moms need to know or understand\u201d?<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u201cJesus.\u201d [Laughter]<\/p>\n<p><strong>Heather: <\/strong>Well, the first third [of the book] is about\u2014<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann:<\/strong> It is; yes.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Heather:<\/strong> \u2014really honing my relationship with God. I think I was stripped of all the tools that had worked up to that point\u2014I\u2019m a good performer in school; did some synchronized swimming\u2014we haven\u2019t talked about that; you know; right?<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann:<\/strong> What?!<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dave:<\/strong> Wait, wait, wait! You\u2019re one of those?\u2014the arm comes up together?<\/p>\n<p><strong>Heather: <\/strong>Yes, I did that\u2014athletics, if you want to call it that; I think it\u2019s athletic\u2014<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann: <\/strong>It is! That\u2019s <em>hard<\/em>.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Heather: <\/strong>\u2014but just any area of my life: \u201cYou work hard enough, you put in the time, and you get an A+ or a gold medal.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>In motherhood\u2014it was very <em>humbling<\/em> I found very quickly\u2014I think we hadn\u2019t even left the <em>hospital<\/em> with my oldest, and I was in tears of just not knowing what to do. I had my master\u2019s degree in speech language pathology, specializing in zero-to-three child development <em>and<\/em> infant feeding. My child struggled with keeping his food in his mouth; he had reflux so bad. I\u2019m thinking, \u201cI\u2019m supposedly the expert; I have a master\u2019s degree in this.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>I was the one who had a Babysitters\u2019 Club, as a 13-year-old, back when the books were popular.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann:<\/strong> Whoa!<\/p>\n<p><strong>Heather:<\/strong> Had my own handbook on how to babysit. I <em>loved<\/em> kids\/always wanted kids; was going to\u2014<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dave:<\/strong> Wait, wait; did you <em>write<\/em> your own handbook?<\/p>\n<p><strong>Heather:<\/strong> Oh, yes. I\u2019m just saying I was all-in on the Babysitters\u2019 Club.<\/p>\n<p>Then, I couldn\u2019t do it. I\u2019ve hit my wall, day one at the hospital, and had to really lean into my faith.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann: <\/strong>Heather, that happened to me. I went out to dinner with my parents, with a three-month-old. My dad looked at me\u2014he lived in another state\u2014he looked at me\/he said, \u201cWhat\u2019s happened?\u201d\u2014[Laughter]\u2014which already made me cry. He goes, \u201cWhat has happened to you?\u201d I probably had food in my hair; I don\u2019t even know what was going on.<\/p>\n<p>I said, \u201cDad,\u201d\u2014and I had been in sports my whole life\u2014I said, \u201cI could run a marathon, and it would be so much easier than this.\u201d He\u2019s like, \u201cWhat are you talking about?! You have a <em>three<\/em>-month-old. You have <em>one<\/em> child.\u201d [Laughter]<\/p>\n<p><strong>Heather:<\/strong> \u2014like, \u201cHow hard could this be?\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann:<\/strong> Exactly; but I think what that does to us, as women, is it makes us fall on our face before God\u2014there\u2019s something beautiful about that\u2014and say, \u201cI can\u2019t.\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dave:<\/strong> What is it that\u2019s so hard? I mean\u2014[Laughter]\u2014I mean, I know\u2014<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u2014said the man.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Heather:<\/strong> Can we please pull that? Can you please pull that quote and start the episode with that?\u2014because that is the best statement; you are amazing.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dave:<\/strong> I\u2019m thinking there are guys, like me, listening, going, \u201cSeriously, you two are like, \u2018It\u2019s the hardest thing in the world.\u2019\u201d We\u2019re like, \u201cReally? Is it that hard?\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann:<\/strong> That\u2019s because you were faking being asleep at night.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dave:<\/strong> I did fake being asleep when the kids ran in. [Laughter]<\/p>\n<p><strong>Heather:<\/strong> I do think there\u2019s a pressure that we put on ourselves and, I think, that our society puts on us. But we draw connection lines\u2014if there\u2019s a school shooting\/if there\u2019s a child, goes and becomes a prodigal\u2014everyone starts questioning their parenting as if it\u2019s an A + B = C situation.<\/p>\n<p>While we know, as parents, we are responsible\u2014and we have this ability to steward that well, and be intentional, and all of that\u2014it\u2019s a wild card; these are humans with sin natures. God has an ultimate storyline, where He may use that prodigal moment for His greater purpose and plan. But when you have that crying baby, and you\u2019re thinking, \u201cI don\u2019t know how to make them stop crying,\u201d it is a weak point.<\/p>\n<p>There have been many times when I\u2019ve wanted to be assigned a different ministry: a ministry to moms is not sexy; it\u2019s not interesting; it\u2019s not <em>cool<\/em>.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann:<\/strong> I think it is!<\/p>\n<p><strong>Heather:<\/strong> It\u2019s cool when you have needed it or you <em>see<\/em> the need. But I think, in the greater realm, it\u2019s not a high and lifted up platform or interest to a lot of people. They may even say, \u201cIt\u2019s not that hard; why would you need support?!\u201d<\/p>\n<p>But I think what I\u2019ve found is: if my goal is to reach the world with the gospel, which it is\u2014I believe we\u2019ve all been given the same calling to go and make disciples\u2014and our assignments are different. My assignment is: \u201cIn this season, a mom is so ready and willing to receive help outside of herself\u2014a higher power, a strength, a purpose, and a plan beyond what she can see\u2014and that eternal perspective helps her.\u201d That\u2019s where I\u2019m supposed to be, and I feel like it\u2019s such a <em>need<\/em>.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dave:<\/strong> Listening to you two talk about being a mom\u2014just last week, our youngest son was here with two grandkids\u2014so we had a three-year-old and a one-year-old. We\u2019re driving in the minivan\u2014there you go; that just describes\u2014it was a rented minivan. Guess who\u2019s driving?\u2014I\u2019m driving. The dad\/my son is in the passenger seat; so Ann, and the two kids, and their mom are all in the back.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u2014our daughter-in-law.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dave:<\/strong> The one-year-old is <em>screaming<\/em> for an hour; blessed little girl. [Laughter] I was watching her\u2014listening and looking in the mirror\u2014and noticing that Cody and I are almost oblivious.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Heather:<\/strong> The filter was on.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dave:<\/strong> It\u2019s like there\u2019s a wall\u2014you know, it\u2019s like there\u2019s a wall that\u2019s behind us, and we can hear it; but we\u2019re not a part of it\u2014<em>you<\/em> moms are <em>in it<\/em>.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann:<\/strong> That\u2019s why it\u2019s so hard!<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Heather: <\/strong>Yes, it\u2019s a visceral response. I do think it\u2019s a God-given thing that, when they\u2019re screaming in the middle of the night, I want to help\/I want to make the screaming stop in a different way than you want to make the screaming stop. [Laughter] I want a child who\u2019s content and happy; there\u2019s something <em>in me<\/em> that wants that. But I can\u2019t describe it to a man. I even think, when we were pregnant with our first, my husband didn\u2019t even grasp fatherhood <em>until<\/em> a baby showed up on the scene; and he grasped it a little bit.<\/p>\n<p>For sure, those early months of trying to work through\u2014on paper, it seems like my husband and I grew up in the same home: our parents, thankfully, were both married over 50 years; we each had four kids in our home; our dads had professional careers; Christian families, so not a lot of conflict from that\u2014but when it came to: \u201cHow are we going to raise this child?\u201d the conflict starts coming up.<\/p>\n<p>You don\u2019t want to mom alone if you have a spouse\u2014and you invite your husband into that\u2014but man, \u201cDo we let them cry it out or not?\u201d was one of the big <em>hot buttons<\/em>\u2014<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dave:<\/strong> Oh, yes.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Heather:<\/strong> \u2014the mom visceral response is: \u201cI\u2019m not going to let my baby cry; it\u2019s my baby! I want to go in there!\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dave:<\/strong> And the right response is: \u201cLet them cry it out.\u201d [Laughter]<\/p>\n<p><strong>Heather:<\/strong> \u201cThe formula says, \u2018Yes.\u2019\u201d I think that all those teeny decisions\u2014it can start to wear on your marriage\u2014so I do have a chapter in here on \u201cStaying connected\u201d and a team mentality when it comes to parenting.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dave:<\/strong> Is the aloneness feeling, as a mom, is that a dominant\u2014obviously, you have a whole ministry called <em>Don\u2019t Mom Alone<\/em>; so I\u2019m guessing what you\u2019re going to answer\u2014but describe that, because I don\u2019t think we always understand that aloneness feeling.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Heather:<\/strong> I think, for <em>me<\/em>, it was beyond just the loneliness that maybe people can relate to having gone through the pandemic, if you don\u2019t have kids\u2014beyond just: \u201cI can\u2019t see people,\u201d\u2014so your kids are maybe forcing you to be away from people. It\u2019s more: \u201cI have pulled away pieces of myself from being known,\u201d\u2014whether it\u2019s: \u201cI\u2019m no longer working outside the home,\u201d or even \u201cWhen I\u2019m around other moms, I\u2019m not really sharing what is hard right now; because I don\u2019t want you to think I\u2019m a bad mom.\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann: <\/strong>That\u2019s really true.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Heather:<\/strong> What I found was my pride\u2014and my wanting to look like: \u201cI\u2019ve got it all together; I\u2019m not making mistakes,\u201d\u2014is that I wouldn\u2019t share when things were hard. I might host the play date:<\/p>\n<ul>\n<li>but I may not say that I was up the night before; as this person\u2019s espousing on the horrors of using a pacifier, my child\u2019s sucking on a pacifier\u2014[Laughter]\u2014it\u2019s the only thing that\u2019s keeping me sane\u2014it\u2019s: \u201cOh, I better go hide that before she sees that we rely on pacifiers.\u201d<\/li>\n<li>\u201cThis one\u2019s saying you should only breastfeed, and I have formula in my pantry. Better not bring that out while she\u2019s here.\u201d<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p>You start hiding\u2014because we all are doing this for the first time, wanting so desperately to get it right\u2014but missing the opportunity for connection, because of these isolating ideas.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann:<\/strong> Now, it\u2019s worse; because now we\u2019re, not only comparing to our friends around us, we have all of social media that we\u2019re comparing ourselves.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Heather:<\/strong> \u2014highlight reels.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann:<\/strong> Exactly. I can remember being at my first outing, going to a Bible study, taking my baby. I think I had an infant, a two-month-old, and a two-year-old. Some moms were talking afterwards and talking about: \u201cOh, it\u2019s <em>so<\/em> fun.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>I remember saying, \u201cYou guys, you know what happened to me this morning?\u201d I said, \u201cThis is <em>awful<\/em>.\u201d I said, \u201cI had some orange juice in my hand that was mine; it was glass. My two-year-old kept trying to pull it out of my hand. I said, \u2018No honey, it could break\u2019; and I was very calm. He kept pulling and pulling. I thought, \u2018Well, alright; I\u2019ll just let it go.\u2019 I let the cup go out of my hand, and he splashed the orange juice all over his face. He just broke into this tantrum and crying, and he was fine.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>The moms looked at me and here was the response: [Gasping sound] I needed them to laugh, like, \u201cGirl, I have done that!\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Heather:<\/strong> You needed identification; yes.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann:<\/strong> I did; and I remember thinking, \u201cOh, I guess no one\u2019s done <em>anything<\/em> like that.\u201d I went home\u2014cried\u2014because it just reinforced: \u201cYou\u2019re failing,\u201d and \u201cYou are a bad mom.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>I think we can be surrounded by people\u2014as you said, Heather\u2014but we can retreat in shame and guilt, and that can be hard. You had that happen at the park. I was laughing at the beginning of your book\u2014[Laughter]\u2014I mean, like, \u201cOh, this has happened to her too!\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Heather:<\/strong> Yes, it was before I was in any mom community. Our church\u2019s MOPS was at\u2014it\u2019s called the Arboretum\u2014it\u2019s just a pretty park. I saw all of them, and I\u2019m trying to do the two-kid hustle\u2014trying to feed the newborn, who\u2019s screaming; and then the toddler really needs to go home and take his nap\u2014well, I haven\u2019t gotten the cute picture yet of them by the pumpkins; so I\u2019m trying to make it last a little bit longer.<\/p>\n<p>One of the mentors comes over; she sees me struggling\u2014this is another lie that keeps us isolated: is that \u201cI don\u2019t need help\u201d; right?\u2014\u201cI can do this all on my own. I <em>should<\/em> be able to do this all on my own; moms, for centuries, have.\u201d She offers help, but I reject it; I\u2019m like, \u201cNo, I\u2019m fine.\u201d Then she\u2019s so wisely offers a <em>specific<\/em> help, and she says\/she had a British accent [using British accent], \u201cDoes the toddler have a snack?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>I was like, \u201cA snack! Genius! Food always helps!\u201d I pointed to the bag. She gets out the little snack cup, and she goes to offer it to him. He really rudely just <em>grumps<\/em> away from her and says, \u201cNo!\u201d I\u2019m <em>horrified<\/em>; because you can\u2019t act that way, especially not to a British woman\u2014<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u2014and she\u2019s a <em>mentor<\/em> of the group.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Heather:<\/strong> \u2014<em>and she\u2019s a mentor of the church!<\/em><\/p>\n<p>I look at her and I go, \u201cI am <em>so<\/em> sorry.\u201d I start listing off all the excuses, like, \u201cHe\u2019s teething,\u201d \u201cHe needs a nap,\u201d \u201cIt\u2019s hot outside.\u201d [Laughter]<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann:<\/strong> It\u2019s what we do!<\/p>\n<p><strong>Heather:<\/strong> She looks right at me, dead in the eyes; she says [using British accent], \u201cWhy, as mothers, do we feel like we need to apologize for our children? If he wants to be a <em>jerk<\/em>, let him be a <em>jerk<\/em>!\u201d<\/p>\n<p>I was like, \u201cI\u2019m going to start crying again. I\u2019m not letting him be a jerk; I\u2019m failing!\u201d [Laughter] But so much of the not connecting with other moms is our kid\u2019s behavior ties to our performance. If we are high-achieving\/high-performers\u2014and kids are kids and we see that as a B+ on our report card\u2014we don\u2019t want to be out with other people; we don\u2019t want them to do what they do.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann:<\/strong> They see us failing all the time.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Heather: <\/strong>Yes, they\u2019re just\/which are funny stories <em>now<\/em>\u2014and they leave poop in random places\u2014but it\u2019s <em>not<\/em> at the time: it\u2019s quite embarrassing and horrifying. Yes, it does; it separates you from people.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dave:<\/strong> What do you do? I\u2019m listening to two moms, saying, \u201cWhen I\u2019m around moms, I feel judged\/I feel like I\u2019m trying to measure up; but I need to be around moms\u201d; so how do you balance that tension and where do you go?<\/p>\n<p><strong>Heather:<\/strong> My hope is to invite women into being safe community for each other\/to recognize that we are important but not essential. There is <em>not<\/em> a formula: you may have found a great thing that works for your child, but that may <em>not<\/em> work for this mom\u2014and to just be curious about her process\u2014love her where she is, recognize you came from different homes, and support one another.<\/p>\n<p>I have a great story that models that\u2014I just heard from a friend\u2014they were at a play date.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dave:<\/strong> I just wonder: \u201cDoes this have a British accent?\u201d\u2014<\/p>\n<p><strong>Heather:<\/strong> No. [Laughter]<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u2014because you\u2019re really good at <em>that<\/em>!<\/p>\n<p><strong>Heather:<\/strong> I\u2019ll try to figure that out; I\u2019ll try to leave it in.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann:<\/strong> Have another accent<\/p>\n<p><strong>Heather:<\/strong> Have another accent\u2014Australian\u2014[using Aussie accent] \u201cShrimp on the barbie.\u201d [Laughter]<\/p>\n<p>She\u2019s there at this play date. She\u2019s doing the multi-kid shuffle. She\u2019s realizing that her child just spilled goldfish all over the floor, and one of her other kids is leaning over to go <em>eat<\/em> it off the floor. She\u2019s like\/she\u2019s trying to keep the conversation going with this mom\u2014and horrified, trying to keep her kid from eating the goldfish off the floor\u2014\u201cWhat are they going to think?\u2014that I let my kids eat goldfish [off the floor]?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>The mom she\u2019s talking to, without skipping a beat in the conversation, reaches down, grabs some off the floor and starts eating them herself. [Laughter] And she said, \u201cOh, I\u2019ve found my people! The bar has been lowered; we\u2019re just living life together.\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann:<\/strong> I think that\u2019s the key, too\u2014I realized at that time\/I thought, \u201cI need a place where I can share all of my junk, and be heard and be accepted; because I\u2019m going to fail\/I\u2019m going to make <em>tragic<\/em> mistakes. But I need somebody else, who will also share their fear, their pain, their failures,\u201d\u2014I think it takes a while to find that and to not give up. How can women find their friends?<\/p>\n<p><strong>Shelby:<\/strong> You\u2019re listening to Dave and Ann Wilson with Heather MacFadyen on <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. We\u2019ll hear Heather\u2019s response in just a second. But first, if you want more people to experience great conversations like the one you\u2019re hearing today, you\u2019re going to want to listen to this: all month long, any gift you give to FamilyLife will be matched, dollar for dollar.<\/p>\n<p>Here\u2019s the exciting part: If you become a FamilyLife Partner, which means you give each month to FamilyLife, your monthly donation will be matched, dollar for dollar, for the next 12 months to help families strengthen their relationship with God and with each other. Imagine the families who need to hear God\u2019s plan for marriage and family through: our radio broadcasts, through our podcasts, events like <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em><sup>\u00ae<\/sup>,small group Bible studies, and our website. I mean, where do you want people going when they Google<sup>\u00ae<\/sup> for help when their marriage is in trouble? You can help more families learn about the life-changing truth of God\u2019s Word. Not to sound overly dramatic, but that will change the world.<\/p>\n<p>Now\u2019s the time to become a monthly Partner, to have your monthly donations doubled for a year. You can give today at FamilyLifeToday.com or by calling 1-800-358-6329; that\u2019s 1-800-\u201cF\u201d as in family, \u201cL\u201d as in life and then the word, \u201cTODAY.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Alright, now back to Dave and Ann with Heather MacFadyen.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann:<\/strong> How can women find their friends?<\/p>\n<p><strong>Heather:<\/strong> Actually, I think it starts with prayer. I\u2019m not a \u201cjust pray\u201d\/\u201dlast prayer\u201d; first pray. I do believe\u2014and when you pray and bring that to God\u2014He opens your eyes to see in a way that the Holy Spirit in you, that is hopefully in them, sees Itself. You know, it\u2019s one Spirit and connects you; you\u2019ll be amazed. I\u2019ve prayed with women for friends, and God reveals the next right person.<\/p>\n<p>To also let the pressure off, it doesn\u2019t have to be this most amazing best friend connection. But to find one person:<\/p>\n<ul>\n<li>whether you say: \u201cHey, let\u2019s bring the kids to the park.\u201d<\/li>\n<li>If you can, without kids, go get coffee; and try sharing something a little vulnerable\/try saying something that\u2019s a little risky, and see how they respond. If they respond in kind of dismissive way and don\u2019t want to engage in that, then the message, loud and clear: \u201cThis is <em>not<\/em> my person.\u201d That\u2019s okay\u2014it\u2019s not a rejection; it\u2019s just direction\u2014move on.<\/li>\n<li>If they do respond, and share something vulnerable for themselves, then keep going\/keep taking that risk. I say: \u201cIf you prove to be a safe person, you\u2019re not talking about other people when you\u2019re together. That gives them the clue that: \u2018We\u2019re talking about <em>us<\/em> here; we\u2019re sharing <em>our<\/em> things\u2014and not beating up on our spouses or only talking about the kids\u2014we\u2019re just talking: \u201cWhat\u2019s God doing in your own heart?\u201d \u201cWhat\u2019s going on in <em>you<\/em>?\u201d \u201cWhat are you passionate about right now?\u201d \u201cWhat are you <em>loving<\/em> right now?\u201d instead of gossiping about others or, I don\u2019t know, complaining.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p><strong>Ann:<\/strong> I think that that\u2019s really important. I <em>love<\/em> that you are starting out with prayer. God knows us; He knows what we need. He\u2019s wanting to fulfill our desires in terms of having a friendship, so start with prayer. Pray that God would bump you into somebody; and maybe, it\u2019s several people that bring different things. I think that\u2019s big.<\/p>\n<p>But can I just tell our listeners?\u2014\u201cDon\u2019t do it alone,\u201d \u201cDon\u2019t do it alone. The hardest place to be is by yourself. God created us to do life together in community. There\u2019s something about being with another woman, it makes us feel <em>whole<\/em>. We have God; we have the Holy Spirit, and we can have a husband; but we also need a friend.\u201d I would say, \u201cPray and seek and pursue those friendships.\u201d I like that: \u201cShare something a little bit vulnerable and see where it goes.\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Shelby:<\/strong> That\u2019s Dave and Ann Wilson talking with Heather MacFadyen on <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. You can get a copy of Heather\u2019s book, <em>Don\u2019t Mom Alone<\/em>, at FamilyLifeToday.com or by calling 1-800-\u201cF\u201d as in family, \u201cL\u201d as in life, and then the word, \u201cTODAY.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>If you know anyone who needs to hear conversations like the one you heard today, you can share today\u2019s podcast from wherever you get your podcasts. While you\u2019re there, it would really help if you would rate and review us.<\/p>\n<p>There\u2019s a belief parents often wrestle with that we are fully responsible for our kids, and we can carry the burden of that as moms and dads. Well, Heather MacFadyen is going to talk with Dave and Ann Wilson, again, tomorrow about those beliefs and help us see that some of them just aren\u2019t true. We hope you can join us for that.<\/p>\n<p>On behalf of Dave and Ann Wilson, I\u2019m Shelby Abbott. We will see you back next time for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>.<\/p>\n<p><em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife, a Cru<sup>\u00ae <\/sup>Ministry.<\/p>\n<p>Helping you pursue the relationships that matter most.<\/p>\n<p><strong>\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>We are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?<\/p>\n<p>Copyright <sup>\u00a9<\/sup> 2022 FamilyLife. 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