{"id":307494,"date":"2022-04-29T08:02:07","date_gmt":"2022-04-29T12:02:07","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/%series%\/greg-smalley-when-youre-lonely-in-marriage\/"},"modified":"2025-05-16T13:45:36","modified_gmt":"2025-05-16T17:45:36","slug":"greg-smalley-when-youre-lonely-in-marriage","status":"publish","type":"podcast","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/greg-smalley-when-youre-lonely-in-marriage\/","title":{"rendered":"Greg Smalley: When You&#8217;re Lonely in Marriage"},"content":{"rendered":"<p>Feeling lonely in marriage? Dr. Greg Smalley offers ideas to help you resolve conflict, start talking about what you&#8217;re carrying &#8212; and move back together.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Feeling lonely in marriage? Dr. Greg Smalley offers ideas to help you resolve conflict, start talking about what you&#8217;re carrying &#8212; and move back together.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":91,"featured_media":294104,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"","_seopress_robots_index":"","inline_featured_image":false,"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","episode_type":"audio","audio_file":"https:\/\/mp3.familylife.com\/fl2022-04-29.mp3","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"00:","filesize":"23.75M","filesize_raw":"24899423","date_recorded":"2022-04-29 08:02:07","explicit":"","block":""},"categories":[2849,2805,2820],"tags":[7084],"podcast_series":[8520],"cwp_profile":[9492],"series":[2101],"class_list":["post-307494","podcast","type-podcast","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-drifting-apart","category-gods-plan-for-marriage","category-lifelong-marriages","tag-lonely-in-marriage","podcast_series-moving-from-roommates-to-soulmates-in-marriage","cwp_profile-greg-smalley","series-familylife-today"],"acf":[],"episode_featured_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg?w=508","episode_player_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2023\/02\/image-scaled.jpg","download_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-download\/307494\/greg-smalley-when-youre-lonely-in-marriage","player_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-player\/307494\/greg-smalley-when-youre-lonely-in-marriage","audio_player":null,"episode_data":{"playerMode":"light","subscribeUrls":{"apple_podcasts":{"key":"apple_podcasts","url":"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303?mt=2&app=podcast","label":"Apple Podcasts","class":"apple_podcasts","icon":"apple-podcasts.png"},"google_podcasts":{"key":"google_podcasts","url":"","label":"Google Podcasts","class":"google_podcasts","icon":"google-podcasts.png"},"spotify":{"key":"spotify","url":"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm","label":"Spotify","class":"spotify","icon":"spotify.png"},"youtube":{"key":"youtube","url":"","label":"YouTube","class":"youtube","icon":"youtube.png"}},"rssFeedUrl":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/feed\/podcast\/familylife-today","embedCode":"<blockquote class=\"wp-embedded-content\" data-secret=\"XfOqtzytt8\"><a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/greg-smalley-when-youre-lonely-in-marriage\/\">Greg Smalley: When You&#8217;re Lonely in Marriage<\/a><\/blockquote><iframe sandbox=\"allow-scripts\" security=\"restricted\" src=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/greg-smalley-when-youre-lonely-in-marriage\/embed\/#?secret=XfOqtzytt8\" width=\"500\" height=\"350\" title=\"&#8220;Greg Smalley: When You&#8217;re Lonely in Marriage&#8221; &#8212; FamilyLife\u00ae - A Cru Ministry\" data-secret=\"XfOqtzytt8\" frameborder=\"0\" marginwidth=\"0\" marginheight=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\" class=\"wp-embedded-content\"><\/iframe><script>\n\/*! This file is auto-generated *\/\n!function(d,l){\"use strict\";l.querySelector&&d.addEventListener&&\"undefined\"!=typeof URL&&(d.wp=d.wp||{},d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage||(d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage=function(e){var t=e.data;if((t||t.secret||t.message||t.value)&&!\/[^a-zA-Z0-9]\/.test(t.secret)){for(var s,r,n,a=l.querySelectorAll('iframe[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),o=l.querySelectorAll('blockquote[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),c=new RegExp(\"^https?:$\",\"i\"),i=0;i<o.length;i++)o[i].style.display=\"none\";for(i=0;i<a.length;i++)s=a[i],e.source===s.contentWindow&&(s.removeAttribute(\"style\"),\"height\"===t.message?(1e3<(r=parseInt(t.value,10))?r=1e3:~~r<200&&(r=200),s.height=r):\"link\"===t.message&&(r=new URL(s.getAttribute(\"src\")),n=new URL(t.value),c.test(n.protocol))&&n.host===r.host&&l.activeElement===s&&(d.top.location.href=t.value))}},d.addEventListener(\"message\",d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage,!1),l.addEventListener(\"DOMContentLoaded\",function(){for(var e,t,s=l.querySelectorAll(\"iframe.wp-embedded-content\"),r=0;r<s.length;r++)(t=(e=s[r]).getAttribute(\"data-secret\"))||(t=Math.random().toString(36).substring(2,12),e.src+=\"#?secret=\"+t,e.setAttribute(\"data-secret\",t)),e.contentWindow.postMessage({message:\"ready\",secret:t},\"*\")},!1)))}(window,document);\n\/\/# sourceURL=https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-includes\/js\/wp-embed.min.js\n<\/script>\n"},"spectra_custom_meta":{"_wp_page_template":["default"],"transcript_url":["https:\/\/transcript.familylife.com\/fl2022-04-29.pdf"],"audio_file":["https:\/\/mp3.familylife.com\/fl2022-04-29.mp3"],"transcript_content":["<p><strong>Greg:<\/strong> Erin and I usually, every day, will ask this question to each other: \u201cWhat was the high of your day, and what was the low of your day?\u201d That leads to other questions; and it keeps you aware of what\u2019s going on in your spouse\u2019s life\u2014versus\u2014if all we do is work-talk, you just start missing each other.<\/p>\n<p><strong>\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann:<\/strong> Welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>, where we want to help you pursue the relationships that matter most. I\u2019m Ann Wilson.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dave:<\/strong> And I\u2019m Dave Wilson, and you can find us at FamilyLifeToday.com or on our FamilyLife<sup>\u00ae<\/sup> app.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann:<\/strong> This is <em>FamilyLife<\/em>\u2014<\/p>\n<p><em>\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n<p><strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u2014<em>Today<\/em>.<\/p>\n<p><strong>\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>One of the things I <em>love<\/em> to do in our marriage is have conflict. [Laughter]<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann:<\/strong> This is not true; this is not true. [Laughter]<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dave:<\/strong> I actually <em>run<\/em> to the other room when conflict starts. I <em>don\u2019t<\/em> anymore; I used to.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann:<\/strong> No, you\u2019re <em>way<\/em> better.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dave:<\/strong> But I don\u2019t think anybody\u2014do they? Maybe you?\u2014do you <em>enjoy<\/em> conflict?<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann:<\/strong> I\u2019m willing and anxious to get into it if I think that we will be better from it; but I don\u2019t <em>love<\/em> the actual doing of the conflict.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes, but conflict is a part of every marriage; conflict is a part of every relationship. We all know how to have it; very few of us know how to <em>resolve<\/em> it.<\/p>\n<p>Today, we have a chance to listen to Ron Deal and Dr. Greg Smalley from <em>Focus on the Family<\/em><sup>\u00ae<\/sup> as they talk on Ron\u2019s podcast called the <em>FamilyLife Blended<\/em><em><sup>\u00ae<\/sup><\/em> podcast about this: about rest in marriage and, also, about how to navigate, and negotiate, and resolve conflict. It\u2019s a great discussion. So let\u2019s tune in to Ron and Greg, talking about married conflict.<\/p>\n<p>[<em>FamilyLife Blended<\/em> Podcast]<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ron:<\/strong> Let\u2019s talk a little bit about avoiding conflict, as a peacemaker; yes.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Greg:<\/strong> That\u2019s my life!<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ron:<\/strong> I have a similar sort of innate thing in me. One of the things I did <em>not<\/em> know, when I said, \u201cI do \u2018til death do us part,\u201d is that I did not know: I was going to have to learn how to manage conflict; I was going to have to learn how to stay engaged in the midst of conflict when everything inside of me says: \u201cRun! Get away from this; withdraw. This is not good; there is no good to be found here. Get away!\u201d Like developing that whole skill set has taken a lot of time\/is taking a lot of time in me.<\/p>\n<p>How dangerous is it for couples to avoid conflict?<\/p>\n<p><strong>Greg:<\/strong> It\u2019s very dangerous. I mean, the\/all the marriage experts, the researchers, will tell you that, if we don\u2019t <em>deal<\/em> with our issues\/if we don\u2019t work through problems, then we just keep stuffing that\u2014you bury all those hurtful emotions alive\u2014they are going to come back up.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ron:<\/strong> \u2014buried alive; wow!<\/p>\n<p><strong>Greg:<\/strong> Yes; you\u2019re going to have to deal with it sooner <em>or<\/em> later.<\/p>\n<p>When it is <em>later<\/em>, then, there is a whole lot of resentment that gets built up; there is a whole lot of pain and hurt. Usually, it\u2019s intensified at that point; it comes out as an explosion\u2014versus\u2014recognizing, I think it is James 1:2 that says, \u201cWhen trials come your way\u2026.\u201d\u2014so another way to look at trials would be a conflict. So when trials come your way, consider that as an opportunity. Now, it\u2019s talking about joy. So certainly, joy can come from when we work through problems. But honestly, healthy conflict\u2014so when we are trying to work <em>through<\/em> conflict\u2014it is going to produce some amazing things.<\/p>\n<p>Near where FamilyLife originally was, down in Little Rock\u2014I don\u2019t know if you\u2019ve ever been to Murfreesboro\u2014there is a state park called\u2014<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ron:<\/strong> Yes.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Greg:<\/strong> \u2014the Diamond-something State Park.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ron:<\/strong> Yes, and you can actually dig for diamonds; and if you find it, you keep it.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Greg:<\/strong> Exactly. It\u2019s the <em>only<\/em> place in our country where you can actually dig for diamonds and actually keep whatever you find. We went there one time as a family. We had all this romanticized\u2014what it\u2019s going to look like and what it is going to be\u2014and maybe, we find a diamond. [Laughter]<\/p>\n<p>As you\u2019ve been there, you know, it\u2019s like a <em>barren<\/em> wasteland. It\u2019s this big, dirty, dusty\u2014<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ron:<\/strong> Yes.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Greg:<\/strong> \u2014field that they plow up. It was hot, humid; it was disastrous. [Laughter] We\u2019re all sweaty; we are covered in <em>mud<\/em>. It was the <em>worst<\/em> experience; and we certainly didn\u2019t find any diamonds, <em>but<\/em> people <em>have<\/em>.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ron:<\/strong> That\u2019s right.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Greg:<\/strong> The Uncle Sam diamond\u2014it\u2019s a 40-caret diamond\u2014was found there.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ron:<\/strong> Yes.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Greg:<\/strong> I think the point is that that\u2019s kind of what can happen from conflict. Conflict can feel like this dusty, barren wasteland\u2014we don\u2019t want to be there; we want to avoid\u2014<em>but<\/em> there are diamonds buried there. Sometimes, through conflict\u2014as we walk through it, and communicate, and resolve, and manage whatever is going on\u2014it\u2019s like finding that diamond; there are benefits.<\/p>\n<p>As a peacemaker\/a conflict avoider\u2014that\u2019s now my true belief\u2014is that I don\u2019t want to have conflict. But if Erin and I are in conflict, I am so confident that God\u2019s going to put\/there are some diamonds there; it\u2019s up to us to find them. That\u2019s made a <em>huge<\/em> difference. I still don\u2019t ever want to fight, but inevitably we will.<\/p>\n<p>Now, I\u2019m willing to kind of, as our buttons are triggered and we\u2019re reacting, as we take some time to settle down and come back, as our hearts are opened and actually talk through, I know I\u2019m going to learn something about me, or Erin, or our marriage\u2014something. There is some benefit\/some diamond that is waiting for us. I think that is what has helped <em>me<\/em> really learn how to deal with conflict differently.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ron:<\/strong> I can imagine somebody going, digging for diamonds, and finding nothing, like you guys did\u2014<\/p>\n<p><strong>Greg:<\/strong> Yes, it\u2019s possible.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ron:<\/strong> \u2014and then, somebody says, \u201cYou want to go back?\u201d \u201cNo, that\u2019s a waste of time.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>But if you <em>did<\/em> find something: \u201cDo you want to go back?\u201d \u201cOh, yes! Let\u2019s go back.\u201d All of a sudden, your confidence\/your trust in your us-ness, and your ability to eventually do conflict well, goes up. Success breeds success.<\/p>\n<p>Sometimes, I think\u2014and I know looking back at our marriage\u2014it was so hard to be willing to try to engage in conflict in a constructive way until we learned how to do it.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Greg:<\/strong> Right.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ron:<\/strong> I had no confidence in our ability, as a couple, to do it\u2014my ability to just manage me, let alone our ability as a couple\u2014but as we were able to find those little success moments, then my confidence takes a boost. I\u2019ve got a diamond; I\u2019m like, \u201cOkay; I can go back with the hope and possibility,\u201d believing that it gets better over time.<\/p>\n<p>I think finding that <em>first<\/em> diamond is what is so hard. It\u2019s like, \u201cYes, they say it\u2019s helpful to deal with conflict; but I haven\u2019t experienced that yet.\u201d And it\u2019s so hard sometimes, but I just want to say to those who are listening: \u201cIf that\u2019s where you are at\u2014manage you: learn what you need to learn; start working hard on that part of it\u2014and just see if it doesn\u2019t lead to the discovery of a little diamond.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Greg:<\/strong> I\u2019m telling you\u2014it\/they are there, because God says, as we go through hard times, that He is always going to give us something. The diamonds are there; it\u2019s just up to us to look for them.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ron:<\/strong> So what are some of those things that people can do to help <em>move<\/em> them in a better direction?<\/p>\n<p><strong>Greg:<\/strong> I would say one of my very favorites is a woman researcher followed, I think,<\/p>\n<p>300 couples for over 20 years, and just studied them. What I like\u2014she looked at those, who had a strong marriage\/a successful marriage, and what was different about them.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ron:<\/strong> Yes.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Greg:<\/strong> One of the things she found is that the couples\u2014who were happy, satisfied, moving in the direction they both loved\u2014spent about ten minutes a day exploring the inner life of their spouse. In other words, all of us have to work-talk\u2014we\u2019ve got to administrate out marriage\u2014we\u2019ve got to talk about the to-do list and the tasks, and \u201cWho\u2019s picking Annie up?\u201d and \u201cWho\u2019s going to the store?\u201d We all have to have a business meeting, because it takes a lot to run a family.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ron:<\/strong> Yes, it does.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Greg:<\/strong> But the problem is the work kind of stuff will <em>always<\/em> come\u2014you don\u2019t have to even <em>try<\/em> to talk about that stuff\u2014it\u2019s just going to happen. If that\u2019s all you ever talk about, the relationship becomes super boring. As a matter of fact, we\u2019ve seen that couples get trained over time that: \u201cAnytime we have a conversation, it\u2019s just going to be a business meeting.\u201d They quit talking\u2014versus\u2014Erin and I have to be intentional to go, \u201cWe need, at least, ten minutes a day, exploring the inner life.\u201d In other words, the emotions, the fears, the anxieties, the dreams, the good\u2014just that kind of stuff\u2014and we\u2019ve really been intentional about finding ten minutes a day.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ron:<\/strong> Okay, so like\u2014<\/p>\n<p><strong>Greg:<\/strong> We go on a walk or something; yes.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ron:<\/strong> Let me just kind of unpack that for somebody, who is thinking, \u201cOh, well, we tend to talk about what <em>happened<\/em> in the day. How would we take <em>that<\/em> conversation and go deeper with it?\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Greg:<\/strong> A great example is Erin and I usually, every day, will ask this question to each other: \u201cWhat was the high of your day?\u201d and \u201cWhat was the low of your day?\u201d It just opens up the conversation about: \u201cOkay, the high of my day; this was it\u2026\u201d \u201cWhy? What about\/why did that fill you up so much?\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ron:<\/strong> You get curious about it.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Greg:<\/strong> You just explore that. So you\u2019re\u2014in your mind, you\u2019re going, \u201cThis is not the time to have a business meeting, so I\u2019m going to stay away from any of the to-do lists and all that stuff\u2014budget\u2014all that; we\u2019re not going to talk about that. I\u2019m just going to stay focused on what was going on <em>deep<\/em> in your heart: \u2018How did you feel?\u2019 and \u2018What was the low of your day? Why? What happened? Oh, that happened! How did that make you feel? Oh, what\u2019s going\u2026\u2019\u201d It\u2019s super simple.<\/p>\n<p>That\u2019s been our go-to. We just say, \u201cWhat was the high of your day and the low of your day?\u201d That leads to\/you just explore that. That leads to other questions. Here is the value of that: it keeps you current; it keeps you updated. It keeps you aware of what\u2019s going on in your spouse\u2019s life\u2014versus\u2014if all we do is work-talk and have a business meeting, you just start missing each other. And we\u2019re always changing, and things are happening; and I want to stay attuned to what\u2019s going on in Erin\u2019s life.<\/p>\n<p>[Studio]<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dave:<\/strong> We\u2019re listening to Ron Deal on the <em>FamilyLife Blended<\/em> podcast, his conversation with Greg Smalley. Man, o man! Was that so true?!<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dave:<\/strong> And you have told me 1,000 times in our marriage, over 40 years, how you long for me to just ask you questions\u2014listen, don\u2019t solve or fix your issues, just\u2014like Greg just said there\u2014\u201cOh, that must have been hard.\u201d That builds intimacy in a marriage; right?<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann:<\/strong> I mean, if we were just putting into action that principle of: \u201cTell me the high [and] low of your day,\u201d\u2014and then those next questions of\u2014\u201cHow did that make you <em>feel<\/em>?\u201d\u2014wow!\u2014that kind of pondering with your spouse\/that could change everything. But we just get in the grind of: \u201cWhat\u2019s going on with this kid?\u201d \u201cWhat\u2019s happening at work?\u201d instead of going deeper into: \u201cHow do we feel?\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes; so if you want an action step, you could do that right now; but a better action step would be to listen to the rest of this, because there is more gold in this that Greg and Ron talk about. We\u2019re going to go back to the <em>FamilyLife Blended<\/em> podcast right now. Enjoy!<\/p>\n<p>[<em>FamilyLife Blended <\/em>Podcast]<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ron:<\/strong> Okay, let\u2019s talk about one little wrinkle in that; because I could imagine somebody listening, going, \u201cOkay, if my spouse started getting really curious about my inner life\u2014wanted to understand my day better\/how I felt about it\u2014I don\u2019t know that I trust them. We\u2019ve just sort of drifted, and we\u2019ve been in that space.\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Greg:<\/strong> \u201cDoesn\u2019t feel safe\u201d; yes.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ron:<\/strong> \u201cI don\u2019t feel safe. It would be hard for me to give them that information.\u201d What would you suggest that person do?<\/p>\n<p><strong>Greg:<\/strong> That\u2019s the paradox in marriage, actually, is that it is full of risk. When we open our hearts\u2014we put our heart out there\u2014the risk is: \u201cHow will my spouse handle my heart? What will they do? Will they unconditionally love me? Understand?\u201d\u2014all that\u2014versus\u2014\u201cUse that against me,\u201d or \u201cJudge me,\u201d or \u201cTry to fix me,\u201d or whatever.<\/p>\n<p>I would say: absolutely; all of us have to face the risk of putting ourselves out there. I would say to that person, who is going, \u201cThat makes me a little nervous\u201d; I would actually have that conversation, then, with your spouse, going, \u201cIf we are having our ten minutes, how can we really protect that time?\u201d For example, Erin and I have agreed that, when we are having this ten minutes\u2014and we\u2019ll call it out\u2014\u201cHey, let\u2019s have our ten minutes,\u201d\u2014so we know what we are doing; we know it\u2019s intentional.<\/p>\n<p>One of our rules is: \u201cThis is not the time to try to solve or fix something.\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ron:<\/strong> Okay.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Greg:<\/strong> So if Erin shares, \u201cMan, I\u2019ve just been discouraged. I just saw Annie\u2019s grades, and she is just doing really bad,\u201d this is not a time for me to go, \u201cWell, okay; how about we do this..? Let\u2019s try this\u2026\u201d It\u2019s just to go: \u201cYes, tell me more about that. It sounds like it\u2019s really bothering you. What is it about that?\u201d But it\u2019s just recognizing the true value of staying present with Erin around the emotions.<\/p>\n<p>So, if she is sharing that she just saw that Annie\u2019s not doing well in school, I can jump into problem-solving, \u201cLet\u2019s get a tutor,\u201d or \u201cLet\u2019s do this\u201d; or I can say, \u201cHelp me to better understand. I can see that is really bothering you. What do you think? What\u2019s getting stirred up for you? How does that make you feel to see her grades?\u201d \u201cI feel failed as a mom.\u201d \u201cOoh, I had no\u2014tell me more about that; what does that feel like? What does that mean?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>If you are willing to just be present and just dial into the emotion, you can always just say, \u201cOkay, so it sounds like, maybe, I\u2019m hearing this\u2026Tell me more about that emotion.\u201d Or you can just guess and throw it out there; and she\u2019ll go, \u201cNo, not really. It\u2019s more this\u2026\u201d \u201cWhoa! Tell me more about that.\u201d That\u2019s when I learn stuff about my wife when I keep her focused on the emotion versus problem-solving, or whatever, or opinions or discussing facts, or whatever. It\u2019s dialing into the emotion that will make\/that ten minutes really strengthen the connection that you guys are longing for.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ron:<\/strong> I\u2019m really curious about the COVID world that you guys have been living in. Have there been any opportunities for you to learn anything\u2014<\/p>\n<p><strong>Greg:<\/strong> Yes.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ron:<\/strong> \u2014about your marriage in this?<\/p>\n<p><strong>Greg:<\/strong> When everything got shut down\u2014actually, our adult kids came back home\u2014and we all just wanted to be together. It was fantastic; I <em>loved<\/em> that. But a couple days in, Erin sat all of us down and said, \u201cOkay, hear me. I have been cooking three meals a day for all of y\u2019all. [Laughter] I\u2019m done. That\u2019s too much; I\u2019m exhausted. I\u2019m done; someone else has to do the cooking.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>So being the spiritual leader of our family, I cast lots, of course. [Laughter] I <em>lost<\/em>.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ron:<\/strong> You lost. [Laughter]<\/p>\n<p><strong>Greg:<\/strong> I became the default chef in our family. Actually, I was like, \u201cI always kind of wanted to do that. What a great time!\u201d I began to cook. Here is what I quickly discovered. I would get up in the morning. I would rummage through our freezer, looking for some meat; and then I would find it and go. Then I would go on Pinterest<sup>\u00ae<\/sup> and just type in whatever the meat was, and I\u2019d find all of these really cool recipes. That was kind of what I was doing; but throughout the day, then, I would worry, like, \u201cWhat time do I have to de-thaw the meat? Do I have all the ingredients? Oh man! When can I go to the store?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>I just found that I would worry and fret, seriously, all day long, preparing for dinner. One day, I was looking for some recipe on pork chops; and Erin walks in. I\u2019m like, \u201cHey, help me decide here. It\u2019s either honey pork ribs or garlic pork ribs. I can\u2019t decide. What do you think I should cook?\u201d She literally pats me on the bottom, which I was totally fine with\u2014kind of smacks me on the bottom and goes\u2014\u201cHey, you got this, chef!\u201d And she kept going. I was so offended\u2014not because of the patting me on the hiney\u2014but because she wasn\u2019t willing to help me.<\/p>\n<p>I literally said to her, \u201cHey, no, no, no! I can\u2019t make all these decisions. Help me. Just choose one, and I\u2019ll cook it.\u201d She was really going, \u201cYou\u2019ve got this.\u201d All of a sudden, it was like a light bulb went off; and I went, \u201cIs this what you\u2019ve felt like for the past<\/p>\n<p>20 years? Did you used to worry throughout the day on what to cook and all the details of cooking?\u201d She just gave me this beautiful smile.<\/p>\n<p>Honestly, Ron, it was in that moment that I went, \u201cOh my goodness! My wife has felt totally alone for many, many, many years around cooking.\u201d It just made me realize there were areas of our marriage that either one of us felt super alone, and it led to such a good conversation. I said, \u201cTell me more. What has that been like for you to feel like you\u2019ve [borne] this burden of cooking all by yourself?\u201d It is such a simple thing; that had such a profound effect, because it just led into a good conversation about: \u201cWhat was that like?\u201d and then \u201cWhat other areas of our marriage do you feel alone?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Actually, she even asked me that. And paying the bills was one\u2014exactly, for me, the same thing is that I had to do that all on my own\u2014I did it; she cooked. I did that, but it became such a cool thing between us, going, \u201cWe don\u2019t want either of us feeling <em>alone<\/em>.\u201d So what would connecting around some of that\u2014even if I was going to be doing the cooking, even if she was going to start paying bills\u2014we didn\u2019t want to create another system, to where someone felt truly <em>alone<\/em> in that.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ron:<\/strong> Right.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Greg:<\/strong> I would encourage you: Be courageous enough to ask your spouse: \u201cAre there areas in our life together\u2014in our marriage\/in our family\u2014where you feel alone?\u2014like you are doing something all by yourself? You\u2019re bearing that burden fully?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>When it talks about in the Scriptures\u2014\u201cto bear one another\u2019s burdens\u201d\u2014it means two things: either we assist\u2014it would be the difference between a backpack and a steamer trunk that we\u2019re trying to carry around\u2014so if Erin feels alone and feels like something is beyond her ability, like she\u2019s carrying around a big, old steamer trunk\u2014\u201cHow can I help her? How can I bear that with her?\u201d We could either assist or remove that thing completely.<\/p>\n<p>Cooking now has become something I said, \u201cI want that.\u201d Yet, we figured out how to do that to where I don\u2019t feel alone; and it\u2019s been <em>great<\/em>.<\/p>\n<p>Be courageous enough\u2014have that conversation, and really talk about that\u2014and discover there are probably some areas that you guys are just doing what you do, and you\u2019re going to do it probably without complaining; but it\u2019s that we don\u2019t want our spouse to feel <em>alone<\/em> in doing that stuff\u2014so: \u201cHow can I either assist or even remove that thing completely?\u201d\u2014that would be the goal.<\/p>\n<p>[Studio]<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dave:<\/strong> We\u2019ve been listening to Ron Deal on the <em>FamilyLife Blended<\/em> podcast talk with<\/p>\n<p>Dr. Greg Smalley from <em>Focus on the Family<\/em>. I just have to say: I saw you over there, like, you\u2019re going to get me in the kitchen; so you don\u2019t feel alone when you are cooking.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann:<\/strong> Did you hear that?<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dave:<\/strong> I\u2019m <em>not<\/em> going to do it.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann:<\/strong> Did you hear it?<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dave:<\/strong> I\u2019ve just got to tell you right now, honey.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann:<\/strong> Let\u2019s just talk about areas where we both feel alone.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dave:<\/strong> You got all excited, like, \u201cOh, Dave is going to hear this, and he is going to do it.\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann:<\/strong> I <em>hate<\/em> being alone in the kitchen.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dave:<\/strong> I know; you\u2019ve told me. Do I need to confess right now that I\u2019ll do this?<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann:<\/strong> Ah! Oh, that means accountability.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dave:<\/strong> I didn\u2019t say I will do this; I said, \u201cDo I need to confess that I will do this?\u201d [Laughter] If it makes you that excited if I\u2014okay, I\u2019ll make you a deal\u2014I\u2019ll jump in the kitchen and help you cook if you start golfing with me. We said earlier you get on the golf cart, and that is great; but man, if you actually started swinging the club\u2014okay, that\u2019s not going to happen.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann:<\/strong> Maybe\u2014I could totally\u2014<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dave:<\/strong> I can see it\u2019s not going to happen.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann:<\/strong> No, it\u2019s totally going to happen if you\u2019ll come in the kitchen.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dave:<\/strong> Here is the thing: \u201cWhat they were saying is so true; because you can really feel lonely in a marriage, even in a good marriage. I think men often feel this because we carry things that we don\u2019t often verbalize. I\u2019m telling you guys: \u2018You need to verbalize, because I think your wife <em>wants<\/em> to carry that with you\u2019\u201d; am I right?<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes; and women feel alone, too, especially when they were talking about in roles. I think that\u2019s just a great conversation to ask one another: \u201cHow, in our marriage, do you feel alone?\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dave:<\/strong> This would be a good podcast to listen to together. If you listened without your spouse, go back, find it on <em>FamilyLife Blended<\/em>. It\u2019s called \u201cRoommate Marriages.\u201d You don\u2019t want a roommate marriage; you want a real, intimate marriage. Listen to this and then have a conversation and talk about what it would look like to rest together and to share activities so we don\u2019t feel alone.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Shelby:<\/strong> You\u2019ve been listening to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> with Dave and Ann Wilson. In the past two days, we\u2019ve been hearing clips from Ron Deal\u2019s podcast, <em>FamilyLife Blended<\/em>. Now, each episode provides practical help and encouragement to blended families and those who love them. You can hear the full episode with Greg Smalley when you search for <em>FamilyLife Blended<\/em> wherever you get your podcasts. Look for Episode Number 76; that will lead you there, or you can get the link at FamilyLifeToday.com.<\/p>\n<p>Now, you might know this; but FamilyLife is so much more than a daily podcast. We\u2019ve got a lot going on here, including what we call the <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em><sup>\u00ae<\/sup> marriage getaway. And I\u2019ve got the president of FamilyLife, David Robbins, here. David, we\u2019ve got some of these events getting ready to start like right now. Where are those happening?<\/p>\n<p><strong>David:<\/strong> Well, this weekend, we have a few <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em> getaways happening across the country in Atlanta and Washington, DC. And over the next few months, we have <em>dozens<\/em> of locations that you can go check out. The great thing about these getaways is that, no matter where your marriage is\u2014whether it just needs a romantic getaway, whether it needs a tune up and some re-firing, or whether you are in a really hard place\u2014it can meet you right where you are. We see it happen <em>every<\/em> weekend.<\/p>\n<p>I was recently at a <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em> getaway, where there was a couple who had been married for four years. The wife wrote our team and told us, as they were leaving the getaway, she said, \u201cWe came here, not speaking to each other with years of compiled hurts, despondence, and stuck in the cycle of hurt; and we are leaving, not fixed, but with lots of tools in our toolbox, and eager to get to work on all the things that we\u2019ve learned. We are leaving here with hope, and I am forever grateful for this <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em>.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>I <em>love<\/em> hearing stories like that, where God intervenes in a very specific way. I also love hearing stories of couples that just retreated and got away, and the good that was happening in their lives, leveled up to something great to help tackle this next season. I want to encourage you: if you haven\u2019t gotten away recently and invested in your marriage, you will <em>never<\/em> regret taking time to focus on the most important relationship in your life.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Shelby:<\/strong> That\u2019s right, and you can find out more and register for a <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em>. Just head to FamilyLifeToday.com, scroll down, and look for the <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em> tab; or you can give us a call at 1-800-\u201cF\u201d as in family, \u201cL\u201d as in life, and then the word, \u201cTODAY.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Now, coming up next week, we\u2019re going to hear from Gretchen Saffles and how important it is for women\u2014and men, for that matter\u2014to find peace in Christ, not your circumstances. That\u2019s next week.<\/p>\n<p>On behalf of Dave and Ann Wilson, I\u2019m Shelby Abbott. We will see you back next time for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>.<\/p>\n<p><em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife, a Cru<sup>\u00ae <\/sup>Ministry.<\/p>\n<p>Helping you pursue the relationships that matter most.<\/p>\n<p><strong>\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>We are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?<\/p>\n<p>Copyright <sup>\u00a9<\/sup> 2022 FamilyLife. All rights reserved.<\/p>\n<p><a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/\">www.FamilyLife.com<\/a><\/p>\n<p>1<\/p>\n"],"_seopress_titles_title":[""],"_seopress_titles_desc":[""],"_seopress_robots_index":[""],"duration":["00:"],"show_notes":["<p>Find resources from this podcast at <a href=\"https:\/\/shop.familylife.com\/Products.aspx?categoryid=130\">shop.familylife.com<\/a>.<br \/>\nFind more content and resources on the <a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/app\/\">FamilyLife's app<\/a>!<br \/>\nHelp others find Familylife.\u00a0 Leave a review on <a href=\"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303\">Apple Podcast<\/a> or <a href=\"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm?si=d6dfa8d2415f4750\">Spotify<\/a>.<br \/>\nCheck out all the Familylife's on the <a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/familylife-podcast-network\/\">FamilyLife Podcast 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lonely in marriage? Dr. Greg Smalley offers ideas to help you resolve conflict, start talking about what you're carrying -- and move back together.","meta_box":{"show_notes":"<p>Find resources from this podcast at <a href=\"https:\/\/shop.familylife.com\/Products.aspx?categoryid=130\">shop.familylife.com<\/a>.<br \/>\nFind more content and resources on the <a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/app\/\">FamilyLife's app<\/a>!<br \/>\nHelp others find Familylife.\u00a0 Leave a review on <a href=\"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303\">Apple Podcast<\/a> or <a href=\"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm?si=d6dfa8d2415f4750\">Spotify<\/a>.<br \/>\nCheck out all the Familylife's on the <a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/familylife-podcast-network\/\">FamilyLife Podcast Network<\/a><\/p>\n","transcript_url":"https:\/\/transcript.familylife.com\/fl2022-04-29.pdf","transcript_content":"<p><strong>Greg:<\/strong> Erin and I usually, every day, will ask this question to each other: \u201cWhat was the high of your day, and what was the low of your day?\u201d That leads to other questions; and it keeps you aware of what\u2019s going on in your spouse\u2019s life\u2014versus\u2014if all we do is work-talk, you just start missing each other.<\/p>\n<p><strong>\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann:<\/strong> Welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>, where we want to help you pursue the relationships that matter most. I\u2019m Ann Wilson.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dave:<\/strong> And I\u2019m Dave Wilson, and you can find us at FamilyLifeToday.com or on our FamilyLife<sup>\u00ae<\/sup> app.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann:<\/strong> This is <em>FamilyLife<\/em>\u2014<\/p>\n<p><em>\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n<p><strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u2014<em>Today<\/em>.<\/p>\n<p><strong>\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>One of the things I <em>love<\/em> to do in our marriage is have conflict. [Laughter]<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann:<\/strong> This is not true; this is not true. [Laughter]<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dave:<\/strong> I actually <em>run<\/em> to the other room when conflict starts. I <em>don\u2019t<\/em> anymore; I used to.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann:<\/strong> No, you\u2019re <em>way<\/em> better.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dave:<\/strong> But I don\u2019t think anybody\u2014do they? Maybe you?\u2014do you <em>enjoy<\/em> conflict?<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann:<\/strong> I\u2019m willing and anxious to get into it if I think that we will be better from it; but I don\u2019t <em>love<\/em> the actual doing of the conflict.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes, but conflict is a part of every marriage; conflict is a part of every relationship. We all know how to have it; very few of us know how to <em>resolve<\/em> it.<\/p>\n<p>Today, we have a chance to listen to Ron Deal and Dr. Greg Smalley from <em>Focus on the Family<\/em><sup>\u00ae<\/sup> as they talk on Ron\u2019s podcast called the <em>FamilyLife Blended<\/em><em><sup>\u00ae<\/sup><\/em> podcast about this: about rest in marriage and, also, about how to navigate, and negotiate, and resolve conflict. It\u2019s a great discussion. So let\u2019s tune in to Ron and Greg, talking about married conflict.<\/p>\n<p>[<em>FamilyLife Blended<\/em> Podcast]<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ron:<\/strong> Let\u2019s talk a little bit about avoiding conflict, as a peacemaker; yes.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Greg:<\/strong> That\u2019s my life!<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ron:<\/strong> I have a similar sort of innate thing in me. One of the things I did <em>not<\/em> know, when I said, \u201cI do \u2018til death do us part,\u201d is that I did not know: I was going to have to learn how to manage conflict; I was going to have to learn how to stay engaged in the midst of conflict when everything inside of me says: \u201cRun! Get away from this; withdraw. This is not good; there is no good to be found here. Get away!\u201d Like developing that whole skill set has taken a lot of time\/is taking a lot of time in me.<\/p>\n<p>How dangerous is it for couples to avoid conflict?<\/p>\n<p><strong>Greg:<\/strong> It\u2019s very dangerous. I mean, the\/all the marriage experts, the researchers, will tell you that, if we don\u2019t <em>deal<\/em> with our issues\/if we don\u2019t work through problems, then we just keep stuffing that\u2014you bury all those hurtful emotions alive\u2014they are going to come back up.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ron:<\/strong> \u2014buried alive; wow!<\/p>\n<p><strong>Greg:<\/strong> Yes; you\u2019re going to have to deal with it sooner <em>or<\/em> later.<\/p>\n<p>When it is <em>later<\/em>, then, there is a whole lot of resentment that gets built up; there is a whole lot of pain and hurt. Usually, it\u2019s intensified at that point; it comes out as an explosion\u2014versus\u2014recognizing, I think it is James 1:2 that says, \u201cWhen trials come your way\u2026.\u201d\u2014so another way to look at trials would be a conflict. So when trials come your way, consider that as an opportunity. Now, it\u2019s talking about joy. So certainly, joy can come from when we work through problems. But honestly, healthy conflict\u2014so when we are trying to work <em>through<\/em> conflict\u2014it is going to produce some amazing things.<\/p>\n<p>Near where FamilyLife originally was, down in Little Rock\u2014I don\u2019t know if you\u2019ve ever been to Murfreesboro\u2014there is a state park called\u2014<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ron:<\/strong> Yes.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Greg:<\/strong> \u2014the Diamond-something State Park.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ron:<\/strong> Yes, and you can actually dig for diamonds; and if you find it, you keep it.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Greg:<\/strong> Exactly. It\u2019s the <em>only<\/em> place in our country where you can actually dig for diamonds and actually keep whatever you find. We went there one time as a family. We had all this romanticized\u2014what it\u2019s going to look like and what it is going to be\u2014and maybe, we find a diamond. [Laughter]<\/p>\n<p>As you\u2019ve been there, you know, it\u2019s like a <em>barren<\/em> wasteland. It\u2019s this big, dirty, dusty\u2014<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ron:<\/strong> Yes.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Greg:<\/strong> \u2014field that they plow up. It was hot, humid; it was disastrous. [Laughter] We\u2019re all sweaty; we are covered in <em>mud<\/em>. It was the <em>worst<\/em> experience; and we certainly didn\u2019t find any diamonds, <em>but<\/em> people <em>have<\/em>.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ron:<\/strong> That\u2019s right.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Greg:<\/strong> The Uncle Sam diamond\u2014it\u2019s a 40-caret diamond\u2014was found there.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ron:<\/strong> Yes.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Greg:<\/strong> I think the point is that that\u2019s kind of what can happen from conflict. Conflict can feel like this dusty, barren wasteland\u2014we don\u2019t want to be there; we want to avoid\u2014<em>but<\/em> there are diamonds buried there. Sometimes, through conflict\u2014as we walk through it, and communicate, and resolve, and manage whatever is going on\u2014it\u2019s like finding that diamond; there are benefits.<\/p>\n<p>As a peacemaker\/a conflict avoider\u2014that\u2019s now my true belief\u2014is that I don\u2019t want to have conflict. But if Erin and I are in conflict, I am so confident that God\u2019s going to put\/there are some diamonds there; it\u2019s up to us to find them. That\u2019s made a <em>huge<\/em> difference. I still don\u2019t ever want to fight, but inevitably we will.<\/p>\n<p>Now, I\u2019m willing to kind of, as our buttons are triggered and we\u2019re reacting, as we take some time to settle down and come back, as our hearts are opened and actually talk through, I know I\u2019m going to learn something about me, or Erin, or our marriage\u2014something. There is some benefit\/some diamond that is waiting for us. I think that is what has helped <em>me<\/em> really learn how to deal with conflict differently.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ron:<\/strong> I can imagine somebody going, digging for diamonds, and finding nothing, like you guys did\u2014<\/p>\n<p><strong>Greg:<\/strong> Yes, it\u2019s possible.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ron:<\/strong> \u2014and then, somebody says, \u201cYou want to go back?\u201d \u201cNo, that\u2019s a waste of time.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>But if you <em>did<\/em> find something: \u201cDo you want to go back?\u201d \u201cOh, yes! Let\u2019s go back.\u201d All of a sudden, your confidence\/your trust in your us-ness, and your ability to eventually do conflict well, goes up. Success breeds success.<\/p>\n<p>Sometimes, I think\u2014and I know looking back at our marriage\u2014it was so hard to be willing to try to engage in conflict in a constructive way until we learned how to do it.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Greg:<\/strong> Right.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ron:<\/strong> I had no confidence in our ability, as a couple, to do it\u2014my ability to just manage me, let alone our ability as a couple\u2014but as we were able to find those little success moments, then my confidence takes a boost. I\u2019ve got a diamond; I\u2019m like, \u201cOkay; I can go back with the hope and possibility,\u201d believing that it gets better over time.<\/p>\n<p>I think finding that <em>first<\/em> diamond is what is so hard. It\u2019s like, \u201cYes, they say it\u2019s helpful to deal with conflict; but I haven\u2019t experienced that yet.\u201d And it\u2019s so hard sometimes, but I just want to say to those who are listening: \u201cIf that\u2019s where you are at\u2014manage you: learn what you need to learn; start working hard on that part of it\u2014and just see if it doesn\u2019t lead to the discovery of a little diamond.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Greg:<\/strong> I\u2019m telling you\u2014it\/they are there, because God says, as we go through hard times, that He is always going to give us something. The diamonds are there; it\u2019s just up to us to look for them.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ron:<\/strong> So what are some of those things that people can do to help <em>move<\/em> them in a better direction?<\/p>\n<p><strong>Greg:<\/strong> I would say one of my very favorites is a woman researcher followed, I think,<\/p>\n<p>300 couples for over 20 years, and just studied them. What I like\u2014she looked at those, who had a strong marriage\/a successful marriage, and what was different about them.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ron:<\/strong> Yes.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Greg:<\/strong> One of the things she found is that the couples\u2014who were happy, satisfied, moving in the direction they both loved\u2014spent about ten minutes a day exploring the inner life of their spouse. In other words, all of us have to work-talk\u2014we\u2019ve got to administrate out marriage\u2014we\u2019ve got to talk about the to-do list and the tasks, and \u201cWho\u2019s picking Annie up?\u201d and \u201cWho\u2019s going to the store?\u201d We all have to have a business meeting, because it takes a lot to run a family.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ron:<\/strong> Yes, it does.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Greg:<\/strong> But the problem is the work kind of stuff will <em>always<\/em> come\u2014you don\u2019t have to even <em>try<\/em> to talk about that stuff\u2014it\u2019s just going to happen. If that\u2019s all you ever talk about, the relationship becomes super boring. As a matter of fact, we\u2019ve seen that couples get trained over time that: \u201cAnytime we have a conversation, it\u2019s just going to be a business meeting.\u201d They quit talking\u2014versus\u2014Erin and I have to be intentional to go, \u201cWe need, at least, ten minutes a day, exploring the inner life.\u201d In other words, the emotions, the fears, the anxieties, the dreams, the good\u2014just that kind of stuff\u2014and we\u2019ve really been intentional about finding ten minutes a day.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ron:<\/strong> Okay, so like\u2014<\/p>\n<p><strong>Greg:<\/strong> We go on a walk or something; yes.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ron:<\/strong> Let me just kind of unpack that for somebody, who is thinking, \u201cOh, well, we tend to talk about what <em>happened<\/em> in the day. How would we take <em>that<\/em> conversation and go deeper with it?\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Greg:<\/strong> A great example is Erin and I usually, every day, will ask this question to each other: \u201cWhat was the high of your day?\u201d and \u201cWhat was the low of your day?\u201d It just opens up the conversation about: \u201cOkay, the high of my day; this was it\u2026\u201d \u201cWhy? What about\/why did that fill you up so much?\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ron:<\/strong> You get curious about it.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Greg:<\/strong> You just explore that. So you\u2019re\u2014in your mind, you\u2019re going, \u201cThis is not the time to have a business meeting, so I\u2019m going to stay away from any of the to-do lists and all that stuff\u2014budget\u2014all that; we\u2019re not going to talk about that. I\u2019m just going to stay focused on what was going on <em>deep<\/em> in your heart: \u2018How did you feel?\u2019 and \u2018What was the low of your day? Why? What happened? Oh, that happened! How did that make you feel? Oh, what\u2019s going\u2026\u2019\u201d It\u2019s super simple.<\/p>\n<p>That\u2019s been our go-to. We just say, \u201cWhat was the high of your day and the low of your day?\u201d That leads to\/you just explore that. That leads to other questions. Here is the value of that: it keeps you current; it keeps you updated. It keeps you aware of what\u2019s going on in your spouse\u2019s life\u2014versus\u2014if all we do is work-talk and have a business meeting, you just start missing each other. And we\u2019re always changing, and things are happening; and I want to stay attuned to what\u2019s going on in Erin\u2019s life.<\/p>\n<p>[Studio]<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dave:<\/strong> We\u2019re listening to Ron Deal on the <em>FamilyLife Blended<\/em> podcast, his conversation with Greg Smalley. Man, o man! Was that so true?!<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dave:<\/strong> And you have told me 1,000 times in our marriage, over 40 years, how you long for me to just ask you questions\u2014listen, don\u2019t solve or fix your issues, just\u2014like Greg just said there\u2014\u201cOh, that must have been hard.\u201d That builds intimacy in a marriage; right?<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann:<\/strong> I mean, if we were just putting into action that principle of: \u201cTell me the high [and] low of your day,\u201d\u2014and then those next questions of\u2014\u201cHow did that make you <em>feel<\/em>?\u201d\u2014wow!\u2014that kind of pondering with your spouse\/that could change everything. But we just get in the grind of: \u201cWhat\u2019s going on with this kid?\u201d \u201cWhat\u2019s happening at work?\u201d instead of going deeper into: \u201cHow do we feel?\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes; so if you want an action step, you could do that right now; but a better action step would be to listen to the rest of this, because there is more gold in this that Greg and Ron talk about. We\u2019re going to go back to the <em>FamilyLife Blended<\/em> podcast right now. Enjoy!<\/p>\n<p>[<em>FamilyLife Blended <\/em>Podcast]<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ron:<\/strong> Okay, let\u2019s talk about one little wrinkle in that; because I could imagine somebody listening, going, \u201cOkay, if my spouse started getting really curious about my inner life\u2014wanted to understand my day better\/how I felt about it\u2014I don\u2019t know that I trust them. We\u2019ve just sort of drifted, and we\u2019ve been in that space.\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Greg:<\/strong> \u201cDoesn\u2019t feel safe\u201d; yes.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ron:<\/strong> \u201cI don\u2019t feel safe. It would be hard for me to give them that information.\u201d What would you suggest that person do?<\/p>\n<p><strong>Greg:<\/strong> That\u2019s the paradox in marriage, actually, is that it is full of risk. When we open our hearts\u2014we put our heart out there\u2014the risk is: \u201cHow will my spouse handle my heart? What will they do? Will they unconditionally love me? Understand?\u201d\u2014all that\u2014versus\u2014\u201cUse that against me,\u201d or \u201cJudge me,\u201d or \u201cTry to fix me,\u201d or whatever.<\/p>\n<p>I would say: absolutely; all of us have to face the risk of putting ourselves out there. I would say to that person, who is going, \u201cThat makes me a little nervous\u201d; I would actually have that conversation, then, with your spouse, going, \u201cIf we are having our ten minutes, how can we really protect that time?\u201d For example, Erin and I have agreed that, when we are having this ten minutes\u2014and we\u2019ll call it out\u2014\u201cHey, let\u2019s have our ten minutes,\u201d\u2014so we know what we are doing; we know it\u2019s intentional.<\/p>\n<p>One of our rules is: \u201cThis is not the time to try to solve or fix something.\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ron:<\/strong> Okay.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Greg:<\/strong> So if Erin shares, \u201cMan, I\u2019ve just been discouraged. I just saw Annie\u2019s grades, and she is just doing really bad,\u201d this is not a time for me to go, \u201cWell, okay; how about we do this..? Let\u2019s try this\u2026\u201d It\u2019s just to go: \u201cYes, tell me more about that. It sounds like it\u2019s really bothering you. What is it about that?\u201d But it\u2019s just recognizing the true value of staying present with Erin around the emotions.<\/p>\n<p>So, if she is sharing that she just saw that Annie\u2019s not doing well in school, I can jump into problem-solving, \u201cLet\u2019s get a tutor,\u201d or \u201cLet\u2019s do this\u201d; or I can say, \u201cHelp me to better understand. I can see that is really bothering you. What do you think? What\u2019s getting stirred up for you? How does that make you feel to see her grades?\u201d \u201cI feel failed as a mom.\u201d \u201cOoh, I had no\u2014tell me more about that; what does that feel like? What does that mean?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>If you are willing to just be present and just dial into the emotion, you can always just say, \u201cOkay, so it sounds like, maybe, I\u2019m hearing this\u2026Tell me more about that emotion.\u201d Or you can just guess and throw it out there; and she\u2019ll go, \u201cNo, not really. It\u2019s more this\u2026\u201d \u201cWhoa! Tell me more about that.\u201d That\u2019s when I learn stuff about my wife when I keep her focused on the emotion versus problem-solving, or whatever, or opinions or discussing facts, or whatever. It\u2019s dialing into the emotion that will make\/that ten minutes really strengthen the connection that you guys are longing for.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ron:<\/strong> I\u2019m really curious about the COVID world that you guys have been living in. Have there been any opportunities for you to learn anything\u2014<\/p>\n<p><strong>Greg:<\/strong> Yes.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ron:<\/strong> \u2014about your marriage in this?<\/p>\n<p><strong>Greg:<\/strong> When everything got shut down\u2014actually, our adult kids came back home\u2014and we all just wanted to be together. It was fantastic; I <em>loved<\/em> that. But a couple days in, Erin sat all of us down and said, \u201cOkay, hear me. I have been cooking three meals a day for all of y\u2019all. [Laughter] I\u2019m done. That\u2019s too much; I\u2019m exhausted. I\u2019m done; someone else has to do the cooking.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>So being the spiritual leader of our family, I cast lots, of course. [Laughter] I <em>lost<\/em>.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ron:<\/strong> You lost. [Laughter]<\/p>\n<p><strong>Greg:<\/strong> I became the default chef in our family. Actually, I was like, \u201cI always kind of wanted to do that. What a great time!\u201d I began to cook. Here is what I quickly discovered. I would get up in the morning. I would rummage through our freezer, looking for some meat; and then I would find it and go. Then I would go on Pinterest<sup>\u00ae<\/sup> and just type in whatever the meat was, and I\u2019d find all of these really cool recipes. That was kind of what I was doing; but throughout the day, then, I would worry, like, \u201cWhat time do I have to de-thaw the meat? Do I have all the ingredients? Oh man! When can I go to the store?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>I just found that I would worry and fret, seriously, all day long, preparing for dinner. One day, I was looking for some recipe on pork chops; and Erin walks in. I\u2019m like, \u201cHey, help me decide here. It\u2019s either honey pork ribs or garlic pork ribs. I can\u2019t decide. What do you think I should cook?\u201d She literally pats me on the bottom, which I was totally fine with\u2014kind of smacks me on the bottom and goes\u2014\u201cHey, you got this, chef!\u201d And she kept going. I was so offended\u2014not because of the patting me on the hiney\u2014but because she wasn\u2019t willing to help me.<\/p>\n<p>I literally said to her, \u201cHey, no, no, no! I can\u2019t make all these decisions. Help me. Just choose one, and I\u2019ll cook it.\u201d She was really going, \u201cYou\u2019ve got this.\u201d All of a sudden, it was like a light bulb went off; and I went, \u201cIs this what you\u2019ve felt like for the past<\/p>\n<p>20 years? Did you used to worry throughout the day on what to cook and all the details of cooking?\u201d She just gave me this beautiful smile.<\/p>\n<p>Honestly, Ron, it was in that moment that I went, \u201cOh my goodness! My wife has felt totally alone for many, many, many years around cooking.\u201d It just made me realize there were areas of our marriage that either one of us felt super alone, and it led to such a good conversation. I said, \u201cTell me more. What has that been like for you to feel like you\u2019ve [borne] this burden of cooking all by yourself?\u201d It is such a simple thing; that had such a profound effect, because it just led into a good conversation about: \u201cWhat was that like?\u201d and then \u201cWhat other areas of our marriage do you feel alone?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Actually, she even asked me that. And paying the bills was one\u2014exactly, for me, the same thing is that I had to do that all on my own\u2014I did it; she cooked. I did that, but it became such a cool thing between us, going, \u201cWe don\u2019t want either of us feeling <em>alone<\/em>.\u201d So what would connecting around some of that\u2014even if I was going to be doing the cooking, even if she was going to start paying bills\u2014we didn\u2019t want to create another system, to where someone felt truly <em>alone<\/em> in that.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ron:<\/strong> Right.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Greg:<\/strong> I would encourage you: Be courageous enough to ask your spouse: \u201cAre there areas in our life together\u2014in our marriage\/in our family\u2014where you feel alone?\u2014like you are doing something all by yourself? You\u2019re bearing that burden fully?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>When it talks about in the Scriptures\u2014\u201cto bear one another\u2019s burdens\u201d\u2014it means two things: either we assist\u2014it would be the difference between a backpack and a steamer trunk that we\u2019re trying to carry around\u2014so if Erin feels alone and feels like something is beyond her ability, like she\u2019s carrying around a big, old steamer trunk\u2014\u201cHow can I help her? How can I bear that with her?\u201d We could either assist or remove that thing completely.<\/p>\n<p>Cooking now has become something I said, \u201cI want that.\u201d Yet, we figured out how to do that to where I don\u2019t feel alone; and it\u2019s been <em>great<\/em>.<\/p>\n<p>Be courageous enough\u2014have that conversation, and really talk about that\u2014and discover there are probably some areas that you guys are just doing what you do, and you\u2019re going to do it probably without complaining; but it\u2019s that we don\u2019t want our spouse to feel <em>alone<\/em> in doing that stuff\u2014so: \u201cHow can I either assist or even remove that thing completely?\u201d\u2014that would be the goal.<\/p>\n<p>[Studio]<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dave:<\/strong> We\u2019ve been listening to Ron Deal on the <em>FamilyLife Blended<\/em> podcast talk with<\/p>\n<p>Dr. Greg Smalley from <em>Focus on the Family<\/em>. I just have to say: I saw you over there, like, you\u2019re going to get me in the kitchen; so you don\u2019t feel alone when you are cooking.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann:<\/strong> Did you hear that?<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dave:<\/strong> I\u2019m <em>not<\/em> going to do it.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann:<\/strong> Did you hear it?<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dave:<\/strong> I\u2019ve just got to tell you right now, honey.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann:<\/strong> Let\u2019s just talk about areas where we both feel alone.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dave:<\/strong> You got all excited, like, \u201cOh, Dave is going to hear this, and he is going to do it.\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann:<\/strong> I <em>hate<\/em> being alone in the kitchen.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dave:<\/strong> I know; you\u2019ve told me. Do I need to confess right now that I\u2019ll do this?<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann:<\/strong> Ah! Oh, that means accountability.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dave:<\/strong> I didn\u2019t say I will do this; I said, \u201cDo I need to confess that I will do this?\u201d [Laughter] If it makes you that excited if I\u2014okay, I\u2019ll make you a deal\u2014I\u2019ll jump in the kitchen and help you cook if you start golfing with me. We said earlier you get on the golf cart, and that is great; but man, if you actually started swinging the club\u2014okay, that\u2019s not going to happen.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann:<\/strong> Maybe\u2014I could totally\u2014<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dave:<\/strong> I can see it\u2019s not going to happen.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann:<\/strong> No, it\u2019s totally going to happen if you\u2019ll come in the kitchen.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dave:<\/strong> Here is the thing: \u201cWhat they were saying is so true; because you can really feel lonely in a marriage, even in a good marriage. I think men often feel this because we carry things that we don\u2019t often verbalize. I\u2019m telling you guys: \u2018You need to verbalize, because I think your wife <em>wants<\/em> to carry that with you\u2019\u201d; am I right?<\/p>\n<p><strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes; and women feel alone, too, especially when they were talking about in roles. I think that\u2019s just a great conversation to ask one another: \u201cHow, in our marriage, do you feel alone?\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>Dave:<\/strong> This would be a good podcast to listen to together. If you listened without your spouse, go back, find it on <em>FamilyLife Blended<\/em>. It\u2019s called \u201cRoommate Marriages.\u201d You don\u2019t want a roommate marriage; you want a real, intimate marriage. Listen to this and then have a conversation and talk about what it would look like to rest together and to share activities so we don\u2019t feel alone.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Shelby:<\/strong> You\u2019ve been listening to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> with Dave and Ann Wilson. In the past two days, we\u2019ve been hearing clips from Ron Deal\u2019s podcast, <em>FamilyLife Blended<\/em>. Now, each episode provides practical help and encouragement to blended families and those who love them. You can hear the full episode with Greg Smalley when you search for <em>FamilyLife Blended<\/em> wherever you get your podcasts. Look for Episode Number 76; that will lead you there, or you can get the link at FamilyLifeToday.com.<\/p>\n<p>Now, you might know this; but FamilyLife is so much more than a daily podcast. We\u2019ve got a lot going on here, including what we call the <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em><sup>\u00ae<\/sup> marriage getaway. And I\u2019ve got the president of FamilyLife, David Robbins, here. David, we\u2019ve got some of these events getting ready to start like right now. Where are those happening?<\/p>\n<p><strong>David:<\/strong> Well, this weekend, we have a few <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em> getaways happening across the country in Atlanta and Washington, DC. And over the next few months, we have <em>dozens<\/em> of locations that you can go check out. The great thing about these getaways is that, no matter where your marriage is\u2014whether it just needs a romantic getaway, whether it needs a tune up and some re-firing, or whether you are in a really hard place\u2014it can meet you right where you are. We see it happen <em>every<\/em> weekend.<\/p>\n<p>I was recently at a <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em> getaway, where there was a couple who had been married for four years. The wife wrote our team and told us, as they were leaving the getaway, she said, \u201cWe came here, not speaking to each other with years of compiled hurts, despondence, and stuck in the cycle of hurt; and we are leaving, not fixed, but with lots of tools in our toolbox, and eager to get to work on all the things that we\u2019ve learned. We are leaving here with hope, and I am forever grateful for this <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em>.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>I <em>love<\/em> hearing stories like that, where God intervenes in a very specific way. I also love hearing stories of couples that just retreated and got away, and the good that was happening in their lives, leveled up to something great to help tackle this next season. I want to encourage you: if you haven\u2019t gotten away recently and invested in your marriage, you will <em>never<\/em> regret taking time to focus on the most important relationship in your life.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Shelby:<\/strong> That\u2019s right, and you can find out more and register for a <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em>. Just head to FamilyLifeToday.com, scroll down, and look for the <em>Weekend to Remember<\/em> tab; or you can give us a call at 1-800-\u201cF\u201d as in family, \u201cL\u201d as in life, and then the word, \u201cTODAY.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Now, coming up next week, we\u2019re going to hear from Gretchen Saffles and how important it is for women\u2014and men, for that matter\u2014to find peace in Christ, not your circumstances. That\u2019s next week.<\/p>\n<p>On behalf of Dave and Ann Wilson, I\u2019m Shelby Abbott. We will see you back next time for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>.<\/p>\n<p><em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife, a Cru<sup>\u00ae <\/sup>Ministry.<\/p>\n<p>Helping you pursue the relationships that matter most.<\/p>\n<p><strong>\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>We are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?<\/p>\n<p>Copyright <sup>\u00a9<\/sup> 2022 FamilyLife. All rights reserved.<\/p>\n<p><a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/\">www.FamilyLife.com<\/a><\/p>\n<p>1<\/p>\n","theme_header_position":"Sticky","post_header_is_sticky":"default","is_header_overlay":"0"},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast\/307494","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/podcast"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/91"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=307494"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/294104"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=307494"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=307494"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=307494"},{"taxonomy":"podcast_series","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/podcast_series?post=307494"},{"taxonomy":"cwp_profile","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/cwp_profile?post=307494"},{"taxonomy":"series","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/series?post=307494"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}