{"id":307493,"date":"2022-04-28T08:03:09","date_gmt":"2022-04-28T12:03:09","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/%series%\/greg-smalley-reconnecting-in-marriage\/"},"modified":"2022-04-28T08:03:09","modified_gmt":"2022-04-28T12:03:09","slug":"greg-smalley-reconnecting-in-marriage","status":"publish","type":"podcast","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/greg-smalley-reconnecting-in-marriage\/","title":{"rendered":"Greg Smalley: Reconnecting in Marriage"},"content":{"rendered":"<p>Life has a way of moving us into roommates in marriage when we want to be soulmates. Ron Deal talks with Dr. Greg Smalley about how to stay deeply connected.<\/p>\n<p>Show Notes and Resources<\/p>\n<p> \tFind resources from this podcast at shop.familylife.com.<br \/>\n \tFind more content and resources on the FamilyLife&#8217;s app!<br \/>\n \tHelp others find Familylife.\u00a0 Leave a review on Apple Podcast or Spotify.<br \/>\n \tCheck out all the Familylife&#8217;s on the FamilyLife Podcast Network<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Life has a way of moving us into roommates in marriage when we want to be soulmates. Ron Deal talks with Dr. Greg Smalley about how to stay deeply connected.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":91,"featured_media":294104,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"","_seopress_robots_index":"","inline_featured_image":false,"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","episode_type":"","audio_file":"https:\/\/mp3.familylife.com\/fl2022-04-28.mp3","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"00:","filesize":"23.42M","filesize_raw":"24555020","date_recorded":"","explicit":"","block":""},"categories":[2849,2805,2820],"tags":[7083],"podcast_series":[8520],"cwp_profile":[9492],"series":[2101],"class_list":["post-307493","podcast","type-podcast","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-drifting-apart","category-gods-plan-for-marriage","category-lifelong-marriages","tag-reconnected","podcast_series-moving-from-roommates-to-soulmates-in-marriage","cwp_profile-greg-smalley","series-familylife-today"],"acf":[],"episode_featured_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg?w=508","episode_player_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2023\/02\/image-scaled.jpg","download_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-download\/307493\/greg-smalley-reconnecting-in-marriage","player_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-player\/307493\/greg-smalley-reconnecting-in-marriage","audio_player":null,"episode_data":{"playerMode":"light","subscribeUrls":{"apple_podcasts":{"key":"apple_podcasts","url":"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303?mt=2&app=podcast","label":"Apple Podcasts","class":"apple_podcasts","icon":"apple-podcasts.png"},"google_podcasts":{"key":"google_podcasts","url":"","label":"Google Podcasts","class":"google_podcasts","icon":"google-podcasts.png"},"spotify":{"key":"spotify","url":"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm","label":"Spotify","class":"spotify","icon":"spotify.png"},"youtube":{"key":"youtube","url":"","label":"YouTube","class":"youtube","icon":"youtube.png"}},"rssFeedUrl":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/feed\/podcast\/familylife-today","embedCode":"<blockquote class=\"wp-embedded-content\" data-secret=\"EevnvU9FSd\"><a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/greg-smalley-reconnecting-in-marriage\/\">Greg Smalley: Reconnecting in Marriage<\/a><\/blockquote><iframe sandbox=\"allow-scripts\" security=\"restricted\" src=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/greg-smalley-reconnecting-in-marriage\/embed\/#?secret=EevnvU9FSd\" width=\"500\" height=\"350\" title=\"&#8220;Greg Smalley: Reconnecting in Marriage&#8221; &#8212; FamilyLife\u00ae - A Cru Ministry\" data-secret=\"EevnvU9FSd\" frameborder=\"0\" marginwidth=\"0\" marginheight=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\" class=\"wp-embedded-content\"><\/iframe><script>\n\/*! This file is auto-generated *\/\n!function(d,l){\"use strict\";l.querySelector&&d.addEventListener&&\"undefined\"!=typeof URL&&(d.wp=d.wp||{},d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage||(d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage=function(e){var t=e.data;if((t||t.secret||t.message||t.value)&&!\/[^a-zA-Z0-9]\/.test(t.secret)){for(var s,r,n,a=l.querySelectorAll('iframe[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),o=l.querySelectorAll('blockquote[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),c=new RegExp(\"^https?:$\",\"i\"),i=0;i<o.length;i++)o[i].style.display=\"none\";for(i=0;i<a.length;i++)s=a[i],e.source===s.contentWindow&&(s.removeAttribute(\"style\"),\"height\"===t.message?(1e3<(r=parseInt(t.value,10))?r=1e3:~~r<200&&(r=200),s.height=r):\"link\"===t.message&&(r=new URL(s.getAttribute(\"src\")),n=new URL(t.value),c.test(n.protocol))&&n.host===r.host&&l.activeElement===s&&(d.top.location.href=t.value))}},d.addEventListener(\"message\",d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage,!1),l.addEventListener(\"DOMContentLoaded\",function(){for(var e,t,s=l.querySelectorAll(\"iframe.wp-embedded-content\"),r=0;r<s.length;r++)(t=(e=s[r]).getAttribute(\"data-secret\"))||(t=Math.random().toString(36).substring(2,12),e.src+=\"#?secret=\"+t,e.setAttribute(\"data-secret\",t)),e.contentWindow.postMessage({message:\"ready\",secret:t},\"*\")},!1)))}(window,document);\n\/\/# sourceURL=https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-includes\/js\/wp-embed.min.js\n<\/script>\n"},"spectra_custom_meta":{"_wp_page_template":["default"],"transcript_url":["https:\/\/transcript.familylife.com\/fl2022-04-28.pdf"],"audio_file":["https:\/\/mp3.familylife.com\/fl2022-04-28.mp3"],"transcript_content":["<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Greg<\/strong>: I love the verse in Song of Solomon 2:15. It\u2019s talking about: \u201cCatch all the foxes\u201d\u2014so these little foxes\u2014\u201cbefore they ruin the vineyard of love.\u201d I think, for a lot of us, we guard against the big things\u2014infidelity, affairs, abuse\u2014whatever\/the big things\u2014I think we do a pretty good job of really guarding our marriages from those things. It\u2019s honestly the little things that really can trap us. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>, where we want to help you pursue the relationships that matter most. I\u2019m Ann Wilson.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> And I\u2019m Dave Wilson, and you can find us at FamilyLifeToday.com or on our FamilyLife<sup>\u00ae<\/sup> app.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> One of the things that every marriage needs is a lot of\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u2014joy! \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u2014joy\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u2014love. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u2014communication. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u2014Jesus. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Here is one nobody thinks of: <em>rest<\/em>.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Oh! \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Because you can get so busy\u2014I don\u2019t know why we\u2019re talking about this\u2014we have gotten so busy in our marriage that we don\u2019t rest; we don\u2019t play. We <em>talk<\/em> about playing, but it\u2019s hard to do sometimes; isn\u2019t it? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Oh! We <em>need<\/em> this. We <em>need<\/em> help in this area, because we work hard; and we\u2019re struggling to find rest. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I think a lot of marriages find the same things. You just become roommates; you sort of become like a business partnership. We\u2019ve actually used those terms. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tToday, we\u2019ve got help for marriages that are in that place we\u2019ve been in. We\u2019ve got Ron Deal on his <em>FamilyLife Blended<\/em><sup>\u00ae<\/sup> podcast. He sat down with Greg Smalley, who is the executive director of Marriage and Family Formation at <em>Focus on the Family<\/em><sup>\u00ae<\/sup>. Guess what they talked about. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Rest. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Rest in marriage, and it\u2019s a great conversation. Here are Ron and Greg, talking about a really important topic for your marriage. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t[<em>FamilyLife Blended <\/em>Podcast] \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> What are some of the things that pull couples apart?\u2014turn us into roommates? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Greg:<\/strong> Yes, we hear that a lot. We hear sort of this idea that: \u201cHey, I love you; I\u2019m committed to you. But man, I just feel like we\u2019re nothing more than married roommates.\u201d Actually, that\u2019s about what my wife Erin said, eight years into our marriage. I had just finished my doctorate; I had just had my very first marriage book come out\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Perfect timing; right? [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Greg:<\/strong> \u2014<em>The Marriage You\u2019ve Always Dreamed Of<\/em>\u2014so while that is just being released, my own wife, in tears, just says, \u201cThis is far from the marriage I\u2019ve always dreamed of. I just feel like we\u2019re married roommates. We\u2019ve drifted so far apart. I don\u2019t know you; I feel like I\u2019m sleeping with a stranger.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOf course, I\u2019d love to say that I met that statement with total compassion, and empathy, and deep understanding. I defended myself; I rationalized; I gave every excuse\/tried to reframe. Yet, when I really was <em>willing<\/em> to hear her, I realized that was exactly what had happened: is that we had just drifted. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI think, for a lot of couples who go through that, and then they try to do bigger things, like: \u201cWell, let\u2019s make sure we\u2019re doing date nights,\u201d \u201cLet\u2019s go on a vacation,\u201d \u201cLet\u2019s do a holiday,\u201d \u201cLet\u2019s do something big.\u201d The problem is a marriage can\u2019t survive from date to date night or from vacation to vacation. I think that\u2019s what is going on for a lot of couples. They are <em>hoping<\/em> that they can make up for all the disconnect\/for all the busyness. Thus, they try to <em>live<\/em> from vacation, holiday, date night to date night, holiday, vacation. A marriage cannot survive off of that. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> I definitely want us to talk about some of the things that lead us into being roommates. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Greg:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> You and Erin have identified a number of things. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tLet me just pull back a second; I love that story, and I appreciate that story. One of the things that those of us, that are in marriage and family ministry, know is that our <em>own<\/em> families are not perfect. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Greg:<\/strong> Right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> I\u2019ve said so many times, \u201cYou\u2019re always going to be working on your marriage, because God is always using your marriage to work on <em>you<\/em>. So as soon as you feel like, \u2018We\u2019ve arrived,\u2019 well, then God\u2014if you are humble enough to listen\u2014He\u2019ll show you that next piece of you\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Greg:<\/strong> That\u2019s right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> \u2014\u201cthat you have to deal with.\u201d Usually, it comes out in a relationship environment. It\u2019s sort of like, \u201cBut why can\u2019t we get it all\u2026\u201d \u201cWell, because we are <em>working<\/em> at this.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Greg:<\/strong> We\u2019re human. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> And there is a discipling process that\u2019s going on within it. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Greg: <\/strong>Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron: <\/strong>I\u2019m also pleased to hear that you, like me, have the spiritual gift of defensiveness. I\u2019m very good at that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Greg:<\/strong> Oh, I\u2019m <em>amazing<\/em> at it. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Greg:<\/strong> I\u2019m so well-trained. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> One of my other gifts, by the way, is sarcasm, which I just used. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Greg:<\/strong> Oh, that\u2019s perfect. We\u2019re like <em>brothers<\/em>. [Laughter] We\u2019re like <em>twins<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> It\u2019s easy to put up those walls and react: \u201cWhat do you mean you are upset?\u201d \u201cWhat do you mean you are disappointed? You don\u2019t know my heart and my intentions.\u201d Next thing you know, the other person is feeling unheard and not listened to. Now, things are getting worse, not better. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIf you, the listener, right now [is] going, \u201cOh, I think that is us,\u201d\u2014or there is some element in any of this that you can relate to\u2014okay; good; you know you\u2019re normal. Let\u2019s just keep talking about what this stuff is\/put words on it. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou guys have identified some characteristics\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Greg:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> \u2014of roommate marriage situations. Let\u2019s walk through a few of them. Tell us about them. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Greg:<\/strong> Erin and I kept hearing about people saying, \u201cYes, we feel like married roommates.\u201d Well, why? Like this one couple might <em>feel<\/em> that way because they are just in a really busy season: \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<ul><li>\n\t\t\t\t\tyoung, young kids;\n\t\t\t\t<\/li>\n\t\t\t<\/ul><ul><li>\n\t\t\t\t\tor they are taking care of aging parents;\n\t\t\t\t<\/li>\n\t\t\t<\/ul><ul><li>\n\t\t\t\t\tanother couple may be in a lot of conflict, so they are not connecting; \n\t\t\t\t<\/li>\n\t\t\t<\/ul><ul><li>\n\t\t\t\t\tmaybe, spiritually, they have no <em>mutual<\/em> spiritual relationship. \n\t\t\t\t<\/li>\n\t\t\t<\/ul><p>\n\t\t\t\tWe started going, \u201cOkay; so what would those main things be?\u201d We just began to interview couples. We kind of generated a list, and we probably researched with about 1,000 couples just to better understand this. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBy far, kind of the biggest one was: \u201cexhausted.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Really? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Greg:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Just like physically, emotionally tired? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Greg:<\/strong> Yes; so a lot going on. I think by doing intensives\/working with couples in crisis\u2014we hear this a lot\u2014that they have nothing to give. They are going at such a rapid pace, so they keep pouring out. They don\u2019t know how to get <em>full<\/em> so that they have something to give. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> You know, as you are talking, I\u2019m sitting here listening for the blended family couples, who are hearing this. You get married; and there are three, four, five\/seven kids between the two of you. You\u2019ve got multiple households you are trying to coordinate with\u2014former spouses, former mother-in-law\u2014all kinds of stuff <em>outside<\/em> your home <em>and<\/em> inside your home. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Greg:<\/strong> \u2014just <em>draining<\/em> the batteries. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Exactly. So \u201cexhausted\u201d is a good word, for emotionally, it takes a lot to try to maintain, and keep up, and chase kids, and do whatever. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThis is true, I think, even if there are adult children. They may be halfway across the country, but you\u2019re still trying to figure out: \u201cHow do we stay in touch and connect?\u201d Maybe, there are step-grandkids involved; and you are trying to figure out: \u201cHow do we bond with\u2026\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI think what I hear you saying is there may be different <em>circumstances<\/em> that create the exhaustion; but nevertheless, the exhaustion just means they can\u2019t quite connect with each other. Is that what you are saying? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Greg:<\/strong> Right; so if we say, \u201cempty,\u201d we have nothing to give. If I have nothing to give, I\u2019m not going to <em>connect<\/em> with you\u2014because you become a <em>threat<\/em>: \u201cOh, you\u2019re just going to <em>want<\/em> something,\u201d \u201cYou\u2019re going to want more,\u201d \u201cYou\u2019re going to want affection. You\u2019re going to want\u2026\u201d\u2014whatever it is\u2014versus really understanding: \u201cIf we are going to connect, it has to begin with this idea: \u2018What am I doing to make sure I\u2019m staying full?\u2019\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI can hear the young moms\/the stepfamilies with so many kids\u2014rolling their eyes; you just feel it\u2014going, \u201cSure. Come over; watch my kids. I\u2019ll get some rest,\u201d or whatever. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Greg:<\/strong> Erin and I really have tried to narrow it down to: \u201cOkay, if you identify with that, going, \u2018Yes, I\u2019m really in a busy season, where I end up exhausted with nothing to give,\u2019\u2014we just encourage people\u2014\u201cFigure out: \u2018What gives you <em>rest<\/em>?\u2019 \u2018What gives you <em>life<\/em>?\u2019\u201d They are kind of two sides of the same coin. What gives me rest probably isn\u2019t going to set my heart on fire; it\u2019s not going to bring me passion. At the same time, what does get me going and gives me life probably isn\u2019t going to give me rest. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Greg:<\/strong> We encourage people: \u201cReally, talk about that. Ask each other: \u2018In this season of our life together, what would <em>rest<\/em> look like? What would <em>life<\/em> look like?\u2019\u201d\u2014doing activities that really give you life.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tFor example, we live in Colorado. We are right there, in the base of Pike\u2019s Peak. I love to fish; so when I think about something that would give me <em>life<\/em>, it\u2019s all about fishing. Erin knows that. I\u2019ll go to her and say, \u201cHey, I\u2019m going to take off a day of work. I\u2019m just going to go by myself; I\u2019m going to go up into the mountains.\u201d She blesses that because she knows what it does. I\u2019ll get up super early; I drive. I don\u2019t come back <em>rested<\/em>, but my goodness!\u2014man, getting a big old trout on the end of that line, just standing in the middle of a river,\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Sounds good. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Greg:<\/strong> \u2014in God\u2019s beauty,\u2014I mean, there is something about it that so brings me <em>alive<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThen, when I think about rest\u2014for me, as an introvert\u2014just unplugging from people and kind of being by myself. Sometimes, it\u2019s just listening to some praise and worship music; but doing something like that just gives me real rest. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt\u2019s going to be different for everybody. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Greg:<\/strong> It\u2019s going to be different based on the season. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAgain, young parents are going, \u201cYes; right. If we just get rid of our children, we\u2019ll get a lot of rest.\u201d You just have to figure that out; it\u2019s <em>your<\/em> job to figure that out. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> I\u2019m hearing: \u201cYou\u2019ve got to know yourself.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Greg:<\/strong> You do. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> And you\u2019ve got to, then, prioritize some self-care. Isn\u2019t that a problem, sometimes, for people? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Greg:<\/strong> Totally. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> I know going fishing is really going to help: \u201cBut no, too much to do,\u201d\u2014just whatever\u2014you end up not doing it. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Greg:<\/strong> Right, and then you\u2019re empty; you have nothing to give; your family gets leftovers, and no one wins\u2014versus\u2014understanding that, like the greatest commandment: \u201cLove God; love others <em>as<\/em> you love yourself\u201d; I think, as Christians, we often re-write that verse to say: \u201cLove God; and love others <em>before<\/em> ourselves,\u201d\u2014<em>instead<\/em> of\u2014\u201c\u2026ourselves.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tGod gave us two commandments. They are to love <em>Him<\/em> and to love others. He is <em>assuming<\/em> that we are already doing the job of loving us, which means we are doing what we need to get <em>full<\/em> of His love. We\u2019re allowing our hearts to be full so that we have then something that we can keep giving, and giving, and giving. My goal\u2014it\u2019s not about selfishness; it\u2019s not this narcissistic: \u201cWell, I\u2019m going to focus on me,\u201d\u2014it\u2019s: \u201cFocus on you to get full so you have something to give out.\u201d It\u2019s really about giving but from a place of abundance. That\u2019s why, when you figure out what gives you rest and what gives you life, that\u2019s a <em>great<\/em> way to <em>balance<\/em> to make sure that you have something to give. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t[Studio]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> We\u2019ve been listening to Ron Deal talking to Greg Smalley about finding rest in marriage. I am so convicted right now; are you?! \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes; because we can run pretty hard, and we\u2019ve been running hard. It\u2019s a <em>great<\/em> reminder that God gave us a commandment to Sabbath\/to rest. It isn\u2019t just a legalistic law; it does our body and, as we\u2019re learning today, does our marriage good. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> I think, too, as followers of Christ, we are so busy giving our lives away that, when we hear somebody saying, \u201cHey, I need a \u2018me\u2019 day,\u201d that does feel narcissistic and selfish; but we do need to learn: how to fill up and \u201cWhat does fill us up?\u201d That\u2019s important. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> And the thing about it, as Greg just said, is it makes us better for others; so we love God better; we love others better; we love our spouse better; it will make our marriage better. There is more to learn about this; let\u2019s go back to Ron and Greg and find out how we can actually live this out. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t[<em>FamilyLife Blended<\/em> Podcast] \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> What are some other characteristics of roommate relationships? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Greg:<\/strong> Yes, I think busyness\u2014obviously, duh!\u2014was another big one. You can be busy to the point of being exhausted; but you can, also, just <em>not<\/em> taking care of yourself is going to lead to exhaustion. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut busyness\u2014we all have these seasons\u2014Erin and I go through them. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Greg:<\/strong> Some seasons are much less busy than others; but for a lot of us, we\u2019re just <em>running<\/em>;\u2014 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Greg:<\/strong> \u2014we have so much going on. When we speak, and we\u2019re talking about busyness, people automatically get super defensive. So now, they think we are going to start going through some time management habits and \u201cLook at your calendar; what can you jettison?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThey feel like their plates are overflowing with a lot of good things. We always tell them: \u201cRelax. We\u2019re actually not going to do that. We\u2019re actually going to show you that: \u2018Let\u2019s look at your plate; because we guarantee you there are things that are happening already that you could take advantage of.\u2019\u201d We tell people: \u201cRelax; we\u2019re not going to <em>add<\/em>. We\u2019re just going to show you that you are doing things.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tFor example, one of my favorite researchers\u2014I know you respect this gentleman as well\u2014John Gottman. He has done some of the best research. He found something called a bid for connection. As I\u2019ve learned and really understood this, this has made a <em>huge<\/em> difference in my marriage. What he found is that, throughout the day, all of us <em>constantly<\/em> are turning toward our spouse; we are making some sort of bid for connection. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tFor example, the other day, Erin and I were just driving down the road. I\u2019m driving; she is in the passenger seat. Approaching me is my very favorite vehicle\u2014like if I had money\/if I could buy whatever I could, this is what I would get; it was a Ford F-150 Raptor. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Oh, wow! \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Greg:<\/strong> So Google<sup>\u00ae<\/sup> that if you want to see an image\u2014it is beautiful; it will bring tears to your eyes\u2014it\u2019s approaching, and I can tell. I say to Erin, \u201cOh, look! There is a Raptor!\u201d Now, she\u2014in that moment, that was actually a bid for connection\u2014I\u2019m basically saying, \u201cHey, would you, for a moment, be interested in what I\u2019m interested in?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> \u201cJoin me in this celebration of what could be.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Greg:<\/strong> Exactly; because I can tell you, on <em>no<\/em> level does my wife care <em>at all<\/em> about vehicles, much less Raptors. [Laughter] I mean, she\u2019s like\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> She\u2019s probably thinking\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Greg:<\/strong> \u2014\u201cJust buy me something; and give me the keys, and I\u2019ll drive it.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> She is hearing, \u201cRaptor\u201d\u2014like that\u2019s dangerous; right?\u2014a dinosaur: \u201cRun away! You don\u2019t want to go toward that.\u201d [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Greg:<\/strong> She <em>knows<\/em>, because I\u2019ve said it a million times. She knows what it is\u2014but she\u2019s\/that\u2019s not her thing\u2014but it\u2019s <em>my<\/em> thing. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIn that moment, she had a couple choices: \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<ul><li>\n\t\t\t\t\tShe could turn <em>away<\/em> and basically <em>ignore<\/em> me, keep texting on her cell phone or scrolling through Facebook<sup>\u00ae<\/sup>\u2014whatever. So she could turn <em>away<\/em> and ignore me. \n\t\t\t\t<\/li>\n\t\t\t<\/ul><ul><li>\n\t\t\t\t\tShe could turn <em>against<\/em> me and actually say something snarky, like, \u201cCome on! We\u2019re in ministry,\u201d\u2014as if we could ever afford an expensive vehicle like that\u2014\u201cGive it up! Come on; you are being ridiculous!\u201d So she could have turned <em>against<\/em> me.\n\t\t\t\t<\/li>\n\t\t\t<\/ul><ul><li>\n\t\t\t\t\t<em>Or<\/em> she could turn <em>towards<\/em> that connection, which is what she did. Just simply, she went, \u201cOoh!\u201d She goes, \u201cThe red one?!\u201d I was like, \u201cYes!\u201d She was like, \u201cOh, that\u2019s cool.\u201d She\u2019s like, \u201cWhy\u2014I know you love those. Why do you like that so much?\u201d \u201cOh, man! It\u2019s so fast. It has zero to sixty in six seconds.\u201d We literally had maybe a 10 to 15 second connection; but it was a connection; it was a micro-connection. \n\t\t\t\t<\/li>\n\t\t\t<\/ul><p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Greg:<\/strong> Those are the things that are happening <em>constantly<\/em> throughout the day. Oftentimes, we ignore it, or we turn against it, versus really turning <em>towards<\/em>. Erin loves\u2014her idea of a Ford Raptor is bargain shopping\u2014like that is her Raptor. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> That\u2019s her Raptor. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Greg:<\/strong> Now, on no level do I have any interest in\u2014I hate to shop: I go one time to the Dillard\u2019s New Year\u2019s Day sale; I get a couple things; I\u2019m good for the year\u2014[Laughter]\u2014but Erin loves to bargain shop. She\u2019ll come home; she\u2019ll walk in the door with her bags; she\u2019ll set them down. She comes up to me, and she\u2019ll hold up an item; and she\u2019ll say, \u201cGuess how much this originally was.\u201d [Laughter] Now, it\u2019s like we\u2019re playing the <em>Price Is Right<\/em> all of a sudden. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, I\u2019ve <em>learned<\/em> that I\u2019ve got to guess <em>high<\/em>; or she doesn\u2019t care [Laughter]: \u201cI don\u2019t know, like, 150 bucks,\u201d \u201cNot even close! 200 dollars!\u201d I\u2019m like, \u201cWhoa!\u201d Again, I could care less, but I\u2019m turning <em>toward<\/em> her; she\u2019s making a <em>bid<\/em>. She\u2019ll say, \u201cGuess what I paid!\u201d I know if it\u2019s under like $10 dollars, it\u2019s a real exciting bargain. So I\u2019m like, \u201cI don\u2019t know, like, $9.99.\u201d \u201cNot even close! 8 dollars!\u201d I\u2019m like, \u201cNot even close? What?\u201d That\u2019s when you say, \u201cHoney, you\u2019re <em>amazing<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Exactly. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Greg:<\/strong> \u201cThe stewardship you are displaying for our finances is amazing.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThe point is\u2014again, I have no interest in clothing\u2014but she was making a bid; I can turn <em>towards<\/em> that. That\u2019s one of those things\u2014in the busy, busy season, you may not have the capacity to add: \u201cLet\u2019s do a date night,\u201d \u201cLet\u2019s go on a vacation,\u201d\u2014but you can really <em>notice<\/em> these little, tiny bids. They can be <em>anything<\/em>\u2014a phone call, going, \u201cYou\u2019ve got to hear what happened to me!\u201d\u2014I can choose: I can say, \u201cI\u2019m right in the middle of something; I don\u2019t have time,\u201d or \u201cHey, let me call you back in five,\u201d\u2014whatever\u2014but I can turn <em>towards<\/em> that. The more that we do that\u2014those little micro-connections\u2014they add up. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo for that busy person, <em>relax<\/em>. They are already happening\u2014just do your best to turn <em>toward<\/em> those\u2014take advantage of the ten seconds and just watch how those will add up. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> I imagine somebody is listening right now; and they are feeling what I am feeling, and that is\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Greg:<\/strong> \u2014you want a Ford Raptor. I know; I know. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> \u2014no, guilt. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Greg:<\/strong> Oh, guilt. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> I\u2019m feeling guilt because, as I\u2019m listening to you talk,\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Greg:<\/strong> That\u2019s worse. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Yes, that is a lot worse. [Laughter] As I\u2019m listening to you talk, I\u2019m feeling, \u201cYou know what? I missed a bid just this week,\u201d and \u201cI got a lot on my mind; and I\u2019ve got this in line with that, and line up with this.\u201d I\u2019m so focused there that I missed a bid; and it\u2019s like, \u201cWow! What do I do now?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Greg:<\/strong> Yes; here is the good news: \u201cYou will have dozens tomorrow; you will have more the next day.\u201d See, the fact that you <em>noticed<\/em> that you missed a bid I think is the true battle: is <em>noticing<\/em> them\/seeing them for what they are. There will be plenty of times that we even know it and don\u2019t respond. \u201cOkay; so how about the next one?\u201d \u201cHow about the next one?\u201d I would just say to someone: \u201cDon\u2019t be discouraged; be glad. I noticed it; okay, I didn\u2019t take advantage of it\u2026\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> \u2014\u201cand now, I can tune in a little bit better next time\u201d? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Greg:<\/strong> You consider: \u201cThere will be <em>hundreds<\/em> coming your way.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Yes; it might even be that I go back to my wife and say\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Greg:<\/strong> \u2014could. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> \u2014\u201cHey, I realize I missed something there that you were leaning toward me,\u201d\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Greg:<\/strong> That\u2019s powerful. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> \u2014\u201cand I was so focused I didn\u2019t catch it.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Greg:<\/strong> Totally! \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Maybe, that in and of itself\u2014an apology in effect\u2014would be a bid\/would be responding to or, at least, moving toward her in a way.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Greg:<\/strong> Totally. Well, it\u2019s another bid; because basically, you are apologizing. So now, <em>she<\/em> would have the opportunity to respond\u2014turn <em>towards<\/em> that\u2014and receive that; I mean, whatever. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Good. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Greg:<\/strong> They happen all the time; my job is to really notice and look for it. Erin and I have even gotten to the point, to where we will call it out: \u201cHey, that\u2019s a bid! You made a bid right now.\u201d [Laughter] And we\u2019ll just make it a fun thing. I think we have <em>grown<\/em> to the point, where we really notice those; and thus, we\u2019re going to turn <em>towards<\/em> them. They are micro\u2014and that is the nice part\u2014we\u2019re not talking about: \u201cHey, you have an hour conversation.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Doing a little self-care\u2014I can imagine somebody playfully tossing it the other way\u2014\u201cHey, did you notice I just made a bid?\u201d You know, sort of making it <em>overt<\/em>: \u201cYes, I\u2019m inviting you to join me in this discussion about shopping,\u201d\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Greg:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> \u2014or \u201c\u2026Raptors,\u201d or whatever it might be. Again, the playfulness in that is a connection.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut I don\u2019t want our listener to miss what you are saying: \u201cThe big picture is\u201d\u2014you are saying here\u2014\u201cpeople, who are busy and exhausted, feel like, \u2018No, this is not an add something to your life. This is just: notice; tune in; turn toward; and let that be something that energizes the relationship.\u2019\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Greg:<\/strong> Because a marriage can survive between bids, because they are going to happen so much. We may not be able to add in the big stuff; but again, those little foxes\u2014on the flip side\u2014the good news is your bids will happen <em>constantly<\/em>, and we can take advantage of those. That\u2019s how we can stay connected when we\u2019re busy. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t[Studio] \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> We\u2019ve been listening to Ron Deal and Dr. Greg Smalley and their conversation from the <em>FamilyLife Blended<\/em> podcast, talking about rest and even knowing how to do that as a couple. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDoes this mean\u2014as I\u2019ve been listening\u2014does this mean I need to learn to play <em>golf<\/em>? [Laughter] \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> You know what I was thinking? I was thinking, \u201cYou do!\u201d When I throw out the bid to you, \u201cHey, do you want to go ride on the cart with me as I play golf?\u201d you go! \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYour bid to me often is: \u201cI\u2019m going to go for a walk. Do you want to go?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Because you love to walk, and you want me to go walk with you. I\u2019d rather run, but I walk with you. What do we do?\u2014we <em>talk<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> We do. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> That makes our marriage better. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> I think this discussion is really helpful; and it keeps us from being lazy, and it helps us to pursue one another. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> We need to listen for the bids and take time to rest. And if rest looks like <em>play<\/em>\u2014whatever it looks like for you that gives you energy back\u2014do it in your marriage. Your marriage will be better for it. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shelby:<\/strong> You\u2019ve been listening to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> with Dave and Ann Wilson. Now, if you know anyone who needs to hear today\u2019s conversation between Ron Deal and Greg Smalley, you can share it from wherever you get your podcasts. While you\u2019re there, you can search for the <em>FamilyLife Blended<\/em> podcast as well and subscribe to hear more from Ron Deal. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIn fact, I don\u2019t think you\u2019ll want to miss the episode that just released this week about the story of a stepmom and a biological mom and how they turned their toxic relationship into a healthy one. Again, search for <em>FamilyLife Blended<\/em> wherever you get your podcasts. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAt FamilyLife, we believe strong, godly marriages and families can help transform the culture and our world. If that resonates with you, would you consider giving to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>? We are listener-supported. And all this week, we want to send you a copy of Eric Reed\u2019s book, <em>Uncommon Trust<\/em>. He was a guest earlier this week on <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. We want to get that to you, as a \u201cThank you,\u201d for your donation of any amount to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. You can give securely online at FamilyLifeToday.com, or you can give us a call with your donation at 1-800-358-6329. That could be a one-time gift, or you could become a partner with us and make it a recurring monthly gift. Again, the number is 1-800-\u201cF\u201d as in family, \u201cL\u201d as in life, and then the word, \u201cTODAY.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo how do you resolve conflict in your marriage? Is it a yelling match? Is it the silent treatment? Is it a rousing game of Rock, Paper, Scissors? Well, whether you are in a stepfamily or <em>not<\/em>, I think you\u2019ll find some practical wisdom when we hear, again, tomorrow from Ron Deal and Dr. Greg Smalley. I hope you can join us. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOn behalf of Dave and Ann Wilson, I\u2019m Shelby Abbott. We will see you back next time for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife, a Cru<sup>\u00ae <\/sup>Ministry. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHelping you pursue the relationships that matter most.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCopyright <sup>\u00a9<\/sup> 2022 FamilyLife. All rights reserved.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/\">www.FamilyLife.com<\/a>\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t\n\t\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\t1\n\t\t\t\t<\/p>"],"_seopress_titles_title":[""],"_seopress_titles_desc":[""],"_seopress_robots_index":[""],"duration":["00:"],"show_notes":[""],"_thumbnail_id":["294104"],"filesize":["23.42M"],"filesize_raw":["24555020"],"_uag_css_file_name":["uag-css-307493.css"],"_uag_js_file_name":["uag-js-307493.js"],"_uag_page_assets":["a:9:{s:3:\"css\";s:82560:\".wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape-top svg{width: calc( 100% + 1.3px );}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape.uagb-container__shape-top .uagb-container__shape-fill{fill: rgba(51,51,51,1);}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape-bottom svg{width: calc( 100% + 1.3px );}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape.uagb-container__shape-bottom 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has a way of moving us into roommates in marriage when we want to be soulmates. Ron Deal talks with Dr. Greg Smalley about how to stay deeply connected.","meta_box":{"show_notes":"","transcript_url":"https:\/\/transcript.familylife.com\/fl2022-04-28.pdf","transcript_content":"<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Greg<\/strong>: I love the verse in Song of Solomon 2:15. It\u2019s talking about: \u201cCatch all the foxes\u201d\u2014so these little foxes\u2014\u201cbefore they ruin the vineyard of love.\u201d I think, for a lot of us, we guard against the big things\u2014infidelity, affairs, abuse\u2014whatever\/the big things\u2014I think we do a pretty good job of really guarding our marriages from those things. It\u2019s honestly the little things that really can trap us. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>, where we want to help you pursue the relationships that matter most. I\u2019m Ann Wilson.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> And I\u2019m Dave Wilson, and you can find us at FamilyLifeToday.com or on our FamilyLife<sup>\u00ae<\/sup> app.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> One of the things that every marriage needs is a lot of\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u2014joy! \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u2014joy\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u2014love. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u2014communication. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u2014Jesus. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Here is one nobody thinks of: <em>rest<\/em>.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Oh! \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Because you can get so busy\u2014I don\u2019t know why we\u2019re talking about this\u2014we have gotten so busy in our marriage that we don\u2019t rest; we don\u2019t play. We <em>talk<\/em> about playing, but it\u2019s hard to do sometimes; isn\u2019t it? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Oh! We <em>need<\/em> this. We <em>need<\/em> help in this area, because we work hard; and we\u2019re struggling to find rest. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I think a lot of marriages find the same things. You just become roommates; you sort of become like a business partnership. We\u2019ve actually used those terms. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tToday, we\u2019ve got help for marriages that are in that place we\u2019ve been in. We\u2019ve got Ron Deal on his <em>FamilyLife Blended<\/em><sup>\u00ae<\/sup> podcast. He sat down with Greg Smalley, who is the executive director of Marriage and Family Formation at <em>Focus on the Family<\/em><sup>\u00ae<\/sup>. Guess what they talked about. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Rest. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Rest in marriage, and it\u2019s a great conversation. Here are Ron and Greg, talking about a really important topic for your marriage. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t[<em>FamilyLife Blended <\/em>Podcast] \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> What are some of the things that pull couples apart?\u2014turn us into roommates? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Greg:<\/strong> Yes, we hear that a lot. We hear sort of this idea that: \u201cHey, I love you; I\u2019m committed to you. But man, I just feel like we\u2019re nothing more than married roommates.\u201d Actually, that\u2019s about what my wife Erin said, eight years into our marriage. I had just finished my doctorate; I had just had my very first marriage book come out\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Perfect timing; right? [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Greg:<\/strong> \u2014<em>The Marriage You\u2019ve Always Dreamed Of<\/em>\u2014so while that is just being released, my own wife, in tears, just says, \u201cThis is far from the marriage I\u2019ve always dreamed of. I just feel like we\u2019re married roommates. We\u2019ve drifted so far apart. I don\u2019t know you; I feel like I\u2019m sleeping with a stranger.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOf course, I\u2019d love to say that I met that statement with total compassion, and empathy, and deep understanding. I defended myself; I rationalized; I gave every excuse\/tried to reframe. Yet, when I really was <em>willing<\/em> to hear her, I realized that was exactly what had happened: is that we had just drifted. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI think, for a lot of couples who go through that, and then they try to do bigger things, like: \u201cWell, let\u2019s make sure we\u2019re doing date nights,\u201d \u201cLet\u2019s go on a vacation,\u201d \u201cLet\u2019s do a holiday,\u201d \u201cLet\u2019s do something big.\u201d The problem is a marriage can\u2019t survive from date to date night or from vacation to vacation. I think that\u2019s what is going on for a lot of couples. They are <em>hoping<\/em> that they can make up for all the disconnect\/for all the busyness. Thus, they try to <em>live<\/em> from vacation, holiday, date night to date night, holiday, vacation. A marriage cannot survive off of that. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> I definitely want us to talk about some of the things that lead us into being roommates. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Greg:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> You and Erin have identified a number of things. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tLet me just pull back a second; I love that story, and I appreciate that story. One of the things that those of us, that are in marriage and family ministry, know is that our <em>own<\/em> families are not perfect. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Greg:<\/strong> Right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> I\u2019ve said so many times, \u201cYou\u2019re always going to be working on your marriage, because God is always using your marriage to work on <em>you<\/em>. So as soon as you feel like, \u2018We\u2019ve arrived,\u2019 well, then God\u2014if you are humble enough to listen\u2014He\u2019ll show you that next piece of you\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Greg:<\/strong> That\u2019s right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> \u2014\u201cthat you have to deal with.\u201d Usually, it comes out in a relationship environment. It\u2019s sort of like, \u201cBut why can\u2019t we get it all\u2026\u201d \u201cWell, because we are <em>working<\/em> at this.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Greg:<\/strong> We\u2019re human. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> And there is a discipling process that\u2019s going on within it. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Greg: <\/strong>Right.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron: <\/strong>I\u2019m also pleased to hear that you, like me, have the spiritual gift of defensiveness. I\u2019m very good at that.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Greg:<\/strong> Oh, I\u2019m <em>amazing<\/em> at it. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Greg:<\/strong> I\u2019m so well-trained. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> One of my other gifts, by the way, is sarcasm, which I just used. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Greg:<\/strong> Oh, that\u2019s perfect. We\u2019re like <em>brothers<\/em>. [Laughter] We\u2019re like <em>twins<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> It\u2019s easy to put up those walls and react: \u201cWhat do you mean you are upset?\u201d \u201cWhat do you mean you are disappointed? You don\u2019t know my heart and my intentions.\u201d Next thing you know, the other person is feeling unheard and not listened to. Now, things are getting worse, not better. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIf you, the listener, right now [is] going, \u201cOh, I think that is us,\u201d\u2014or there is some element in any of this that you can relate to\u2014okay; good; you know you\u2019re normal. Let\u2019s just keep talking about what this stuff is\/put words on it. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYou guys have identified some characteristics\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Greg:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> \u2014of roommate marriage situations. Let\u2019s walk through a few of them. Tell us about them. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Greg:<\/strong> Erin and I kept hearing about people saying, \u201cYes, we feel like married roommates.\u201d Well, why? Like this one couple might <em>feel<\/em> that way because they are just in a really busy season: \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<ul><li>\n\t\t\t\t\tyoung, young kids;\n\t\t\t\t<\/li>\n\t\t\t<\/ul><ul><li>\n\t\t\t\t\tor they are taking care of aging parents;\n\t\t\t\t<\/li>\n\t\t\t<\/ul><ul><li>\n\t\t\t\t\tanother couple may be in a lot of conflict, so they are not connecting; \n\t\t\t\t<\/li>\n\t\t\t<\/ul><ul><li>\n\t\t\t\t\tmaybe, spiritually, they have no <em>mutual<\/em> spiritual relationship. \n\t\t\t\t<\/li>\n\t\t\t<\/ul><p>\n\t\t\t\tWe started going, \u201cOkay; so what would those main things be?\u201d We just began to interview couples. We kind of generated a list, and we probably researched with about 1,000 couples just to better understand this. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBy far, kind of the biggest one was: \u201cexhausted.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Really? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Greg:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Just like physically, emotionally tired? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Greg:<\/strong> Yes; so a lot going on. I think by doing intensives\/working with couples in crisis\u2014we hear this a lot\u2014that they have nothing to give. They are going at such a rapid pace, so they keep pouring out. They don\u2019t know how to get <em>full<\/em> so that they have something to give. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> You know, as you are talking, I\u2019m sitting here listening for the blended family couples, who are hearing this. You get married; and there are three, four, five\/seven kids between the two of you. You\u2019ve got multiple households you are trying to coordinate with\u2014former spouses, former mother-in-law\u2014all kinds of stuff <em>outside<\/em> your home <em>and<\/em> inside your home. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Greg:<\/strong> \u2014just <em>draining<\/em> the batteries. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Exactly. So \u201cexhausted\u201d is a good word, for emotionally, it takes a lot to try to maintain, and keep up, and chase kids, and do whatever. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThis is true, I think, even if there are adult children. They may be halfway across the country, but you\u2019re still trying to figure out: \u201cHow do we stay in touch and connect?\u201d Maybe, there are step-grandkids involved; and you are trying to figure out: \u201cHow do we bond with\u2026\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI think what I hear you saying is there may be different <em>circumstances<\/em> that create the exhaustion; but nevertheless, the exhaustion just means they can\u2019t quite connect with each other. Is that what you are saying? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Greg:<\/strong> Right; so if we say, \u201cempty,\u201d we have nothing to give. If I have nothing to give, I\u2019m not going to <em>connect<\/em> with you\u2014because you become a <em>threat<\/em>: \u201cOh, you\u2019re just going to <em>want<\/em> something,\u201d \u201cYou\u2019re going to want more,\u201d \u201cYou\u2019re going to want affection. You\u2019re going to want\u2026\u201d\u2014whatever it is\u2014versus really understanding: \u201cIf we are going to connect, it has to begin with this idea: \u2018What am I doing to make sure I\u2019m staying full?\u2019\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI can hear the young moms\/the stepfamilies with so many kids\u2014rolling their eyes; you just feel it\u2014going, \u201cSure. Come over; watch my kids. I\u2019ll get some rest,\u201d or whatever. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Greg:<\/strong> Erin and I really have tried to narrow it down to: \u201cOkay, if you identify with that, going, \u2018Yes, I\u2019m really in a busy season, where I end up exhausted with nothing to give,\u2019\u2014we just encourage people\u2014\u201cFigure out: \u2018What gives you <em>rest<\/em>?\u2019 \u2018What gives you <em>life<\/em>?\u2019\u201d They are kind of two sides of the same coin. What gives me rest probably isn\u2019t going to set my heart on fire; it\u2019s not going to bring me passion. At the same time, what does get me going and gives me life probably isn\u2019t going to give me rest. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Greg:<\/strong> We encourage people: \u201cReally, talk about that. Ask each other: \u2018In this season of our life together, what would <em>rest<\/em> look like? What would <em>life<\/em> look like?\u2019\u201d\u2014doing activities that really give you life.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tFor example, we live in Colorado. We are right there, in the base of Pike\u2019s Peak. I love to fish; so when I think about something that would give me <em>life<\/em>, it\u2019s all about fishing. Erin knows that. I\u2019ll go to her and say, \u201cHey, I\u2019m going to take off a day of work. I\u2019m just going to go by myself; I\u2019m going to go up into the mountains.\u201d She blesses that because she knows what it does. I\u2019ll get up super early; I drive. I don\u2019t come back <em>rested<\/em>, but my goodness!\u2014man, getting a big old trout on the end of that line, just standing in the middle of a river,\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Sounds good. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Greg:<\/strong> \u2014in God\u2019s beauty,\u2014I mean, there is something about it that so brings me <em>alive<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThen, when I think about rest\u2014for me, as an introvert\u2014just unplugging from people and kind of being by myself. Sometimes, it\u2019s just listening to some praise and worship music; but doing something like that just gives me real rest. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt\u2019s going to be different for everybody. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Greg:<\/strong> It\u2019s going to be different based on the season. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAgain, young parents are going, \u201cYes; right. If we just get rid of our children, we\u2019ll get a lot of rest.\u201d You just have to figure that out; it\u2019s <em>your<\/em> job to figure that out. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> I\u2019m hearing: \u201cYou\u2019ve got to know yourself.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Greg:<\/strong> You do. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> And you\u2019ve got to, then, prioritize some self-care. Isn\u2019t that a problem, sometimes, for people? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Greg:<\/strong> Totally. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> I know going fishing is really going to help: \u201cBut no, too much to do,\u201d\u2014just whatever\u2014you end up not doing it. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Greg:<\/strong> Right, and then you\u2019re empty; you have nothing to give; your family gets leftovers, and no one wins\u2014versus\u2014understanding that, like the greatest commandment: \u201cLove God; love others <em>as<\/em> you love yourself\u201d; I think, as Christians, we often re-write that verse to say: \u201cLove God; and love others <em>before<\/em> ourselves,\u201d\u2014<em>instead<\/em> of\u2014\u201c\u2026ourselves.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tGod gave us two commandments. They are to love <em>Him<\/em> and to love others. He is <em>assuming<\/em> that we are already doing the job of loving us, which means we are doing what we need to get <em>full<\/em> of His love. We\u2019re allowing our hearts to be full so that we have then something that we can keep giving, and giving, and giving. My goal\u2014it\u2019s not about selfishness; it\u2019s not this narcissistic: \u201cWell, I\u2019m going to focus on me,\u201d\u2014it\u2019s: \u201cFocus on you to get full so you have something to give out.\u201d It\u2019s really about giving but from a place of abundance. That\u2019s why, when you figure out what gives you rest and what gives you life, that\u2019s a <em>great<\/em> way to <em>balance<\/em> to make sure that you have something to give. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t[Studio]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> We\u2019ve been listening to Ron Deal talking to Greg Smalley about finding rest in marriage. I am so convicted right now; are you?! \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes; because we can run pretty hard, and we\u2019ve been running hard. It\u2019s a <em>great<\/em> reminder that God gave us a commandment to Sabbath\/to rest. It isn\u2019t just a legalistic law; it does our body and, as we\u2019re learning today, does our marriage good. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> I think, too, as followers of Christ, we are so busy giving our lives away that, when we hear somebody saying, \u201cHey, I need a \u2018me\u2019 day,\u201d that does feel narcissistic and selfish; but we do need to learn: how to fill up and \u201cWhat does fill us up?\u201d That\u2019s important. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> And the thing about it, as Greg just said, is it makes us better for others; so we love God better; we love others better; we love our spouse better; it will make our marriage better. There is more to learn about this; let\u2019s go back to Ron and Greg and find out how we can actually live this out. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t[<em>FamilyLife Blended<\/em> Podcast] \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> What are some other characteristics of roommate relationships? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Greg:<\/strong> Yes, I think busyness\u2014obviously, duh!\u2014was another big one. You can be busy to the point of being exhausted; but you can, also, just <em>not<\/em> taking care of yourself is going to lead to exhaustion. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut busyness\u2014we all have these seasons\u2014Erin and I go through them. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Greg:<\/strong> Some seasons are much less busy than others; but for a lot of us, we\u2019re just <em>running<\/em>;\u2014 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Greg:<\/strong> \u2014we have so much going on. When we speak, and we\u2019re talking about busyness, people automatically get super defensive. So now, they think we are going to start going through some time management habits and \u201cLook at your calendar; what can you jettison?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThey feel like their plates are overflowing with a lot of good things. We always tell them: \u201cRelax. We\u2019re actually not going to do that. We\u2019re actually going to show you that: \u2018Let\u2019s look at your plate; because we guarantee you there are things that are happening already that you could take advantage of.\u2019\u201d We tell people: \u201cRelax; we\u2019re not going to <em>add<\/em>. We\u2019re just going to show you that you are doing things.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tFor example, one of my favorite researchers\u2014I know you respect this gentleman as well\u2014John Gottman. He has done some of the best research. He found something called a bid for connection. As I\u2019ve learned and really understood this, this has made a <em>huge<\/em> difference in my marriage. What he found is that, throughout the day, all of us <em>constantly<\/em> are turning toward our spouse; we are making some sort of bid for connection. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tFor example, the other day, Erin and I were just driving down the road. I\u2019m driving; she is in the passenger seat. Approaching me is my very favorite vehicle\u2014like if I had money\/if I could buy whatever I could, this is what I would get; it was a Ford F-150 Raptor. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Oh, wow! \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Greg:<\/strong> So Google<sup>\u00ae<\/sup> that if you want to see an image\u2014it is beautiful; it will bring tears to your eyes\u2014it\u2019s approaching, and I can tell. I say to Erin, \u201cOh, look! There is a Raptor!\u201d Now, she\u2014in that moment, that was actually a bid for connection\u2014I\u2019m basically saying, \u201cHey, would you, for a moment, be interested in what I\u2019m interested in?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> \u201cJoin me in this celebration of what could be.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Greg:<\/strong> Exactly; because I can tell you, on <em>no<\/em> level does my wife care <em>at all<\/em> about vehicles, much less Raptors. [Laughter] I mean, she\u2019s like\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> She\u2019s probably thinking\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Greg:<\/strong> \u2014\u201cJust buy me something; and give me the keys, and I\u2019ll drive it.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> She is hearing, \u201cRaptor\u201d\u2014like that\u2019s dangerous; right?\u2014a dinosaur: \u201cRun away! You don\u2019t want to go toward that.\u201d [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Greg:<\/strong> She <em>knows<\/em>, because I\u2019ve said it a million times. She knows what it is\u2014but she\u2019s\/that\u2019s not her thing\u2014but it\u2019s <em>my<\/em> thing. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIn that moment, she had a couple choices: \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<ul><li>\n\t\t\t\t\tShe could turn <em>away<\/em> and basically <em>ignore<\/em> me, keep texting on her cell phone or scrolling through Facebook<sup>\u00ae<\/sup>\u2014whatever. So she could turn <em>away<\/em> and ignore me. \n\t\t\t\t<\/li>\n\t\t\t<\/ul><ul><li>\n\t\t\t\t\tShe could turn <em>against<\/em> me and actually say something snarky, like, \u201cCome on! We\u2019re in ministry,\u201d\u2014as if we could ever afford an expensive vehicle like that\u2014\u201cGive it up! Come on; you are being ridiculous!\u201d So she could have turned <em>against<\/em> me.\n\t\t\t\t<\/li>\n\t\t\t<\/ul><ul><li>\n\t\t\t\t\t<em>Or<\/em> she could turn <em>towards<\/em> that connection, which is what she did. Just simply, she went, \u201cOoh!\u201d She goes, \u201cThe red one?!\u201d I was like, \u201cYes!\u201d She was like, \u201cOh, that\u2019s cool.\u201d She\u2019s like, \u201cWhy\u2014I know you love those. Why do you like that so much?\u201d \u201cOh, man! It\u2019s so fast. It has zero to sixty in six seconds.\u201d We literally had maybe a 10 to 15 second connection; but it was a connection; it was a micro-connection. \n\t\t\t\t<\/li>\n\t\t\t<\/ul><p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Greg:<\/strong> Those are the things that are happening <em>constantly<\/em> throughout the day. Oftentimes, we ignore it, or we turn against it, versus really turning <em>towards<\/em>. Erin loves\u2014her idea of a Ford Raptor is bargain shopping\u2014like that is her Raptor. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> That\u2019s her Raptor. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Greg:<\/strong> Now, on no level do I have any interest in\u2014I hate to shop: I go one time to the Dillard\u2019s New Year\u2019s Day sale; I get a couple things; I\u2019m good for the year\u2014[Laughter]\u2014but Erin loves to bargain shop. She\u2019ll come home; she\u2019ll walk in the door with her bags; she\u2019ll set them down. She comes up to me, and she\u2019ll hold up an item; and she\u2019ll say, \u201cGuess how much this originally was.\u201d [Laughter] Now, it\u2019s like we\u2019re playing the <em>Price Is Right<\/em> all of a sudden. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, I\u2019ve <em>learned<\/em> that I\u2019ve got to guess <em>high<\/em>; or she doesn\u2019t care [Laughter]: \u201cI don\u2019t know, like, 150 bucks,\u201d \u201cNot even close! 200 dollars!\u201d I\u2019m like, \u201cWhoa!\u201d Again, I could care less, but I\u2019m turning <em>toward<\/em> her; she\u2019s making a <em>bid<\/em>. She\u2019ll say, \u201cGuess what I paid!\u201d I know if it\u2019s under like $10 dollars, it\u2019s a real exciting bargain. So I\u2019m like, \u201cI don\u2019t know, like, $9.99.\u201d \u201cNot even close! 8 dollars!\u201d I\u2019m like, \u201cNot even close? What?\u201d That\u2019s when you say, \u201cHoney, you\u2019re <em>amazing<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Exactly. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Greg:<\/strong> \u201cThe stewardship you are displaying for our finances is amazing.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThe point is\u2014again, I have no interest in clothing\u2014but she was making a bid; I can turn <em>towards<\/em> that. That\u2019s one of those things\u2014in the busy, busy season, you may not have the capacity to add: \u201cLet\u2019s do a date night,\u201d \u201cLet\u2019s go on a vacation,\u201d\u2014but you can really <em>notice<\/em> these little, tiny bids. They can be <em>anything<\/em>\u2014a phone call, going, \u201cYou\u2019ve got to hear what happened to me!\u201d\u2014I can choose: I can say, \u201cI\u2019m right in the middle of something; I don\u2019t have time,\u201d or \u201cHey, let me call you back in five,\u201d\u2014whatever\u2014but I can turn <em>towards<\/em> that. The more that we do that\u2014those little micro-connections\u2014they add up. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo for that busy person, <em>relax<\/em>. They are already happening\u2014just do your best to turn <em>toward<\/em> those\u2014take advantage of the ten seconds and just watch how those will add up. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> I imagine somebody is listening right now; and they are feeling what I am feeling, and that is\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Greg:<\/strong> \u2014you want a Ford Raptor. I know; I know. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> \u2014no, guilt. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Greg:<\/strong> Oh, guilt. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> I\u2019m feeling guilt because, as I\u2019m listening to you talk,\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Greg:<\/strong> That\u2019s worse. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Yes, that is a lot worse. [Laughter] As I\u2019m listening to you talk, I\u2019m feeling, \u201cYou know what? I missed a bid just this week,\u201d and \u201cI got a lot on my mind; and I\u2019ve got this in line with that, and line up with this.\u201d I\u2019m so focused there that I missed a bid; and it\u2019s like, \u201cWow! What do I do now?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Greg:<\/strong> Yes; here is the good news: \u201cYou will have dozens tomorrow; you will have more the next day.\u201d See, the fact that you <em>noticed<\/em> that you missed a bid I think is the true battle: is <em>noticing<\/em> them\/seeing them for what they are. There will be plenty of times that we even know it and don\u2019t respond. \u201cOkay; so how about the next one?\u201d \u201cHow about the next one?\u201d I would just say to someone: \u201cDon\u2019t be discouraged; be glad. I noticed it; okay, I didn\u2019t take advantage of it\u2026\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> \u2014\u201cand now, I can tune in a little bit better next time\u201d? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Greg:<\/strong> You consider: \u201cThere will be <em>hundreds<\/em> coming your way.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Yes; it might even be that I go back to my wife and say\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Greg:<\/strong> \u2014could. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> \u2014\u201cHey, I realize I missed something there that you were leaning toward me,\u201d\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Greg:<\/strong> That\u2019s powerful. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> \u2014\u201cand I was so focused I didn\u2019t catch it.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Greg:<\/strong> Totally! \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Maybe, that in and of itself\u2014an apology in effect\u2014would be a bid\/would be responding to or, at least, moving toward her in a way.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Greg:<\/strong> Totally. Well, it\u2019s another bid; because basically, you are apologizing. So now, <em>she<\/em> would have the opportunity to respond\u2014turn <em>towards<\/em> that\u2014and receive that; I mean, whatever. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Good. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Greg:<\/strong> They happen all the time; my job is to really notice and look for it. Erin and I have even gotten to the point, to where we will call it out: \u201cHey, that\u2019s a bid! You made a bid right now.\u201d [Laughter] And we\u2019ll just make it a fun thing. I think we have <em>grown<\/em> to the point, where we really notice those; and thus, we\u2019re going to turn <em>towards<\/em> them. They are micro\u2014and that is the nice part\u2014we\u2019re not talking about: \u201cHey, you have an hour conversation.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> Doing a little self-care\u2014I can imagine somebody playfully tossing it the other way\u2014\u201cHey, did you notice I just made a bid?\u201d You know, sort of making it <em>overt<\/em>: \u201cYes, I\u2019m inviting you to join me in this discussion about shopping,\u201d\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Greg:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ron:<\/strong> \u2014or \u201c\u2026Raptors,\u201d or whatever it might be. Again, the playfulness in that is a connection.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tBut I don\u2019t want our listener to miss what you are saying: \u201cThe big picture is\u201d\u2014you are saying here\u2014\u201cpeople, who are busy and exhausted, feel like, \u2018No, this is not an add something to your life. This is just: notice; tune in; turn toward; and let that be something that energizes the relationship.\u2019\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Greg:<\/strong> Because a marriage can survive between bids, because they are going to happen so much. We may not be able to add in the big stuff; but again, those little foxes\u2014on the flip side\u2014the good news is your bids will happen <em>constantly<\/em>, and we can take advantage of those. That\u2019s how we can stay connected when we\u2019re busy. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t[Studio] \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> We\u2019ve been listening to Ron Deal and Dr. Greg Smalley and their conversation from the <em>FamilyLife Blended<\/em> podcast, talking about rest and even knowing how to do that as a couple. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDoes this mean\u2014as I\u2019ve been listening\u2014does this mean I need to learn to play <em>golf<\/em>? [Laughter] \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> You know what I was thinking? I was thinking, \u201cYou do!\u201d When I throw out the bid to you, \u201cHey, do you want to go ride on the cart with me as I play golf?\u201d you go! \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tYour bid to me often is: \u201cI\u2019m going to go for a walk. Do you want to go?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Because you love to walk, and you want me to go walk with you. I\u2019d rather run, but I walk with you. What do we do?\u2014we <em>talk<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> We do. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> That makes our marriage better. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> I think this discussion is really helpful; and it keeps us from being lazy, and it helps us to pursue one another. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> We need to listen for the bids and take time to rest. And if rest looks like <em>play<\/em>\u2014whatever it looks like for you that gives you energy back\u2014do it in your marriage. Your marriage will be better for it. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shelby:<\/strong> You\u2019ve been listening to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> with Dave and Ann Wilson. Now, if you know anyone who needs to hear today\u2019s conversation between Ron Deal and Greg Smalley, you can share it from wherever you get your podcasts. While you\u2019re there, you can search for the <em>FamilyLife Blended<\/em> podcast as well and subscribe to hear more from Ron Deal. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIn fact, I don\u2019t think you\u2019ll want to miss the episode that just released this week about the story of a stepmom and a biological mom and how they turned their toxic relationship into a healthy one. Again, search for <em>FamilyLife Blended<\/em> wherever you get your podcasts. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAt FamilyLife, we believe strong, godly marriages and families can help transform the culture and our world. If that resonates with you, would you consider giving to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>? We are listener-supported. And all this week, we want to send you a copy of Eric Reed\u2019s book, <em>Uncommon Trust<\/em>. He was a guest earlier this week on <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. We want to get that to you, as a \u201cThank you,\u201d for your donation of any amount to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. You can give securely online at FamilyLifeToday.com, or you can give us a call with your donation at 1-800-358-6329. That could be a one-time gift, or you could become a partner with us and make it a recurring monthly gift. Again, the number is 1-800-\u201cF\u201d as in family, \u201cL\u201d as in life, and then the word, \u201cTODAY.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSo how do you resolve conflict in your marriage? Is it a yelling match? Is it the silent treatment? Is it a rousing game of Rock, Paper, Scissors? Well, whether you are in a stepfamily or <em>not<\/em>, I think you\u2019ll find some practical wisdom when we hear, again, tomorrow from Ron Deal and Dr. Greg Smalley. I hope you can join us. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOn behalf of Dave and Ann Wilson, I\u2019m Shelby Abbott. We will see you back next time for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife, a Cru<sup>\u00ae <\/sup>Ministry. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHelping you pursue the relationships that matter most.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCopyright <sup>\u00a9<\/sup> 2022 FamilyLife. 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