{"id":307439,"date":"2022-03-17T08:03:12","date_gmt":"2022-03-17T12:03:12","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/%series%\/the-intentional-father-and-the-ways-were-weak\/"},"modified":"2022-03-17T08:03:12","modified_gmt":"2022-03-17T12:03:12","slug":"the-intentional-father-and-the-ways-were-weak","status":"publish","type":"podcast","link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/the-intentional-father-and-the-ways-were-weak\/","title":{"rendered":"The Intentional Father&#8211;and the Ways We&#8217;re Weak"},"content":{"rendered":"","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>In intentional fatherhood&#8211;how do we handle the ways we&#8217;re weak? Author Jon Tyson offers tactics and hope to deal with inevitable wounds and weaknesses.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":91,"featured_media":294104,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"","_seopress_robots_index":"","inline_featured_image":false,"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","episode_type":"","audio_file":"https:\/\/mp3.familylife.com\/fl2022-03-17.mp3","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"00:24:59","filesize":"22.88M","filesize_raw":"23992019","date_recorded":"","explicit":"","block":""},"categories":[2837],"tags":[7054],"podcast_series":[8512],"cwp_profile":[9763],"series":[2101],"class_list":["post-307439","podcast","type-podcast","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-fathers","tag-intentional-fatherhood","podcast_series-jon-tyson-the-intentional-father","cwp_profile-jon-tyson","series-familylife-today"],"acf":[],"episode_featured_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2024\/09\/FLT-Podcast-Cover-2-508x508-3.jpg?w=508","episode_player_image":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/1001\/2023\/02\/image-scaled.jpg","download_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-download\/307439\/the-intentional-father-and-the-ways-were-weak","player_link":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast-player\/307439\/the-intentional-father-and-the-ways-were-weak","audio_player":null,"episode_data":{"playerMode":"light","subscribeUrls":{"apple_podcasts":{"key":"apple_podcasts","url":"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/familylife-today\/id212174303?mt=2&app=podcast","label":"Apple Podcasts","class":"apple_podcasts","icon":"apple-podcasts.png"},"google_podcasts":{"key":"google_podcasts","url":"","label":"Google Podcasts","class":"google_podcasts","icon":"google-podcasts.png"},"spotify":{"key":"spotify","url":"https:\/\/open.spotify.com\/show\/0j5UaKdQOHQCuo1bt0ebEm","label":"Spotify","class":"spotify","icon":"spotify.png"},"youtube":{"key":"youtube","url":"","label":"YouTube","class":"youtube","icon":"youtube.png"}},"rssFeedUrl":"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/feed\/podcast\/familylife-today","embedCode":"<blockquote class=\"wp-embedded-content\" data-secret=\"2OXIVMboUl\"><a href=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/the-intentional-father-and-the-ways-were-weak\/\">The Intentional Father&#8211;and the Ways We&#8217;re Weak<\/a><\/blockquote><iframe sandbox=\"allow-scripts\" security=\"restricted\" src=\"https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/podcast\/familylife-today\/the-intentional-father-and-the-ways-were-weak\/embed\/#?secret=2OXIVMboUl\" width=\"500\" height=\"350\" title=\"&#8220;The Intentional Father&#8211;and the Ways We&#8217;re Weak&#8221; &#8212; FamilyLife\u00ae - A Cru Ministry\" data-secret=\"2OXIVMboUl\" frameborder=\"0\" marginwidth=\"0\" marginheight=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\" class=\"wp-embedded-content\"><\/iframe><script>\n\/*! This file is auto-generated *\/\n!function(d,l){\"use strict\";l.querySelector&&d.addEventListener&&\"undefined\"!=typeof URL&&(d.wp=d.wp||{},d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage||(d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage=function(e){var t=e.data;if((t||t.secret||t.message||t.value)&&!\/[^a-zA-Z0-9]\/.test(t.secret)){for(var s,r,n,a=l.querySelectorAll('iframe[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),o=l.querySelectorAll('blockquote[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),c=new RegExp(\"^https?:$\",\"i\"),i=0;i<o.length;i++)o[i].style.display=\"none\";for(i=0;i<a.length;i++)s=a[i],e.source===s.contentWindow&&(s.removeAttribute(\"style\"),\"height\"===t.message?(1e3<(r=parseInt(t.value,10))?r=1e3:~~r<200&&(r=200),s.height=r):\"link\"===t.message&&(r=new URL(s.getAttribute(\"src\")),n=new URL(t.value),c.test(n.protocol))&&n.host===r.host&&l.activeElement===s&&(d.top.location.href=t.value))}},d.addEventListener(\"message\",d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage,!1),l.addEventListener(\"DOMContentLoaded\",function(){for(var e,t,s=l.querySelectorAll(\"iframe.wp-embedded-content\"),r=0;r<s.length;r++)(t=(e=s[r]).getAttribute(\"data-secret\"))||(t=Math.random().toString(36).substring(2,12),e.src+=\"#?secret=\"+t,e.setAttribute(\"data-secret\",t)),e.contentWindow.postMessage({message:\"ready\",secret:t},\"*\")},!1)))}(window,document);\n\/\/# sourceURL=https:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/wp-includes\/js\/wp-embed.min.js\n<\/script>\n"},"spectra_custom_meta":{"_wp_page_template":["default"],"transcript_url":["https:\/\/transcript.familylife.com\/fl2022-03-17.pdf"],"audio_file":["https:\/\/mp3.familylife.com\/fl2022-03-17.mp3"],"transcript_content":["<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jon:<\/strong> They did research at NYU, asking the question: \u201cWhen did helicopter parenting begin?\u201d and \u201cWhat were the consequences of it?\u201d 1990 was the year it began; and within a decade, the rates of depression and anxiety increased by 80 percent in one decade. It\u2019s because kids no longer knew if they had what it took; it\u2019s like mum did everything for them. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>, where we want to help you pursue the relationships that matter most. I\u2019m Ann Wilson.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> And I\u2019m Dave Wilson, and you can find us at FamilyLifeToday.com or on our FamilyLife<sup>\u00ae<\/sup> app.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> So I\u2019m sitting on the couch with CJ. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> How old was he? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> He was nine. You weren\u2019t there\u2014I think we were watching TV\u2014probably, football. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> [Laughter] Probably. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Dave:<\/strong> Probably; we still do. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnyway, somehow, we get into this discussion about mistakes and dad mistakes. I say to him\/I go, \u201cCJ, did you know that the Bible actually says that the mistakes that a dad makes will go down into his sons? And his sons and daughters could possibly make the same mistakes,\u201d\u2014you know, the sins of the fathers; I didn\u2019t use that term\u2014but I just said, \u201c\u2026because of that.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Did that scare him? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I just remember\u2014he just looked at me\u2014again, he might have been eight or nine; he just looks at me. I go, \u201cCJ, what do you think of that?\u201d Oh, I did use the word, \u201csin,\u201d because I then quoted Exodus 20; because it\u2019s in the Ten Commandments. A lot of people don\u2019t realize it\u2019s in the Ten Commandments. It\u2019s that important that God is saying, \u201cBe careful, as a dad, because it\u2019s going to go into your legacy.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI remember saying the word, \u201csin\u201d; and CJ, nine years old\u2014I\u2019ll never forget this moment\u2014just looks at me; and I go, \u201cCJ, what do you think of that?\u201d He goes, \u201cDad, don\u2019t sin.\u201d [Laughter] Then he gets up and walks out of the room, nonchalantly, like, \u201cOf course, don\u2019t do it; because if you do it, I\u2019m going to do it.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> But he got it. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> He got it, and now he is 35. It\u2019s <em>crazy<\/em> to see that my sons have taken things from me\u2014good and bad\u2014some things they <em>never<\/em> knew I struggled with, but they are struggling with. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Let me ask you: \u201cAs a dad, as a father, and as a man, does that scare you?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Oh, the power we have to influence our sons <em>and<\/em> daughters is scary. I mean, it\u2019s <em>awesome<\/em> that God gave us this power; and moms have it too. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> I think that we, as moms, feel that. We watch\u2014I remember saying to you, \u201cDo you understand the power you carry?\u201d\u2014because I watched three little boys watching you constantly. They didn\u2019t watch <em>me<\/em>; they were watching <em>you<\/em>. I said, \u201cMan, you\u2019ve got <em>so much<\/em> power over them; it\u2019s <em>amazing<\/em>.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt\u2019s also scary for the wife; because I can tend to be critical and be like, \u201cYou should do this and that\u201d; but I was almost jealous of the power you carried over our sons. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> The scary thing is you want to have a vision of your son being a better man than you are.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe\u2019ve got Jon Tyson back with us today\u2014who is not only a dad\u2014because, you know, this is from a dad\u2019s heart, from a pastor\u2019s heart, and as an author that wrote about this. Welcome back to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jon:<\/strong> It\u2019s good to be back and enjoying our continuing on this conversation. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Well, tell us: as you were sitting over there, I saw you smiling a bunch. What were you thinking about this whole conversation about the power of a dad?\u2014the sins of a father? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jon:<\/strong> I was just thinking about like: \u201cHow have I messed my son up?\u201d [Laughter] As you were talking, I\u2019m thinking through his life and what he struggles with; and I\u2019m like: \u201cThat\u2019s mine; that\u2019s from me,\u201d \u201cThat\u2019s from his mother,\u201d \u201cThat\u2019s from the culture.\u201d I\u2019m just like thinking through those things. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> You wrote about this in your book, <em>The Intentional Father<\/em>: <em>A Practical Guide to Raise Sons of Courage and Character. <\/em>If you missed yesterday, I\u2019m just telling you: \u201cListen and get the book. This book is going to change your life as a dad.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSomething you said yesterday, I wanted to follow up on. This concept called \u201cThe father wound,\u201d that we have sort of a wound from our dads. Is it universal? Even if you are the <em>best<\/em> dad in the world, is there a sense that somehow you are <em>not<\/em> going to be enough for your son? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jon:<\/strong> I think you are addressing two things, and they are both true. One thing is like: \u201cWill the father always feel inadequate?\u201d In some measure, \u201cYes,\u201d\u2014if you realize the sacred power, as you mentioned, that we have in parenting\u2014you realize we are shaping lives; we are releasing destinies. We are saying: \u201cThrow away phrases that will either wound,\u201d or \u201c\u2026release a kid 50 years into the future.\u201d I mean, it\u2019s an extraordinary sacred power that we have; it\u2019s a trust we are given. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDownside of that is that it will be inevitable that we hurt our kids; it will be inevitable. Psychologists tell us wounds happen in two categories: it\u2019s either a lack of protection or a lack of nurture, which parents don\u2019t stop things happening to us that harm us or parents fail to give us the emotional nourishment and connection that we need. If you trace brokenness down to the roots of childhood, you\u2019ll often find it\u2019s in those two things. It\u2019s like: \u201cI didn\u2019t feel loved enough,\u201d \u201c\u2026affirmed enough,\u201d \u201c\u2026blessed,\u201d <em>or<\/em> \u201cMy parents didn\u2019t put boundaries up; and therefore, I experienced the harm of the world way too early.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br>I think, in some sense, we are doing both of those things in some small measure. To be honest with you, I think for sons, a lot of times, it was like: \u201cMy father was not nurturing enough,\u201d \u201cI wasn\u2019t affirmed enough; I wasn\u2019t blessed,\u201d \u201cI wasn\u2019t cared for,\u201d \u201cI wasn\u2019t encouraged,\u201d \u201cHe was absent,\u201d \u201cHe was emotionally distant,\u201d \u201cHe was <em>critical<\/em>,\u201d \u201cHe was distracted.\u201d That seems to be the number-one sort of wounding that I see. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br>Strangely enough, with daughters often, it\u2019s actually often the opposite; it\u2019s more like: \u201cThere was not enough protection. The boundaries weren\u2019t firm enough.\u201d Those are big, generic pastoral observations; but I think those categories bear themselves true. In some sense, we\u2019re always wounding, even with our best intent. Normally, we either do it in two categories: we either don\u2019t nurture like we should, or we don\u2019t protect like we should. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes; and one of the reasons I ask is I, obviously, felt that with an absent father; but then you know, as a young father, and raising sons, I had a plan; I sort of took them through rites of passage. In some sense, as they grew into men, I was thinking, \u201cI did a pretty good job\u201d; you know?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jon:<\/strong> You probably did do a pretty good job. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Well, here is the thing\u2014it\u2019s funny\u2014I <em>never<\/em> thought I did a great job; but I was like, \u201cI did so much better than my dad. They are going to be men, and they are going to thank me some day.\u201d They became men; and they sat down, and they go, \u201cDad, there are some things that you did that hurt me.\u201d I\u2019m like, \u201cWhat?!\u201d We\u2019ve had those adult conversations I think every dad and mom is going to have at some point with your adult kids\u2014maybe not\u2014but in some sense, I was like, \u201cReally?!\u2014you felt hurt or let down in some way.\u201d Of course, I should have expected that. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jon:<\/strong> Well, I think the good thing is that you have had a healthy enough relationship where they feel like they can bring that to you. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> That was what I was going to say. It says a lot about you that they would come and feel safe, and that they could say it. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I just want them to do it with Ann, not me. [Laughter] \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jon:<\/strong> Yes, it may be happening on the other side. I know my son talks to my wife Christy in ways he doesn\u2019t talk to me. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jon:<\/strong> The older they get\u2014when the kids get older and they get into it\u2014they will probably realize, \u201cGosh, Dad, probably did better than we are all aware of.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes; I mean, overall, my sons have been unbelievably appreciative and affirmative; but let me ask you this,\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jon:<\/strong> Yes? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u2014because I\u2019ve never asked a fellow pastor, who is a dad, this question. Two of my three sons said I was more intimate in my sermons with the congregation than they felt I was with them as my sons. They said they would be sitting there, even as teenagers, sometimes, and I would be sharing something with 1,000 people\u2014that is very vulnerable, and weakness, and a struggle, or something\u2014and they would turn to each other and go: \u201cDid you know that?\u201d \u201cI didn\u2019t know that,\u201d \u201cLook at that; he is baring his soul to people who he doesn\u2019t even know,\u201d and \u201cWon\u2019t do that,,,\u201d or \u201c\u2026hasn\u2019t done that in the family room.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI never knew this, when they were teenagers; but now, that they are 30-year-old men, they sat me down and said, \u201cDad, that was hurtful.\u201d I had <em>no<\/em> idea. I\u2019ll tell you this, Jon: the second it came out of their mouth, as adult men, I was like, \u201cYou are 1,000 percent right.\u201d There was no defensiveness; I was like, \u201cOoh!\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHave you experienced any of that, as a father, and as a pastor? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jon:<\/strong> You\u2019d have to ask my son about that. I mean, I think I\u2019ve got the benefit; you\u2019re probably a decade older than me. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> You don\u2019t have to <em>rub it in<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jon:<\/strong> No, I say that with <em>honor<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I think I\u2019m older than a decade than you. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jon:<\/strong> I\u2019m 44. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Okay. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jon:<\/strong> So how old are you? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Two decades. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jon:<\/strong> Okay, got you, sir. I think I\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I\u2019m glad you thought I was younger though; that\u2019s a compliment. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jon:<\/strong> I actually inherited, I think, the wisdom of your generation of fatherhood; because I think stuff like that\u2014I picked up on that. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes, yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jon:<\/strong> I think it was honestly at pastor\u2019s conferences and talks to dads about ministry and family dynamics. It was always: \u201cDon\u2019t share stuff with the congregation that you haven\u2019t shared with your family first.\u201d Look, and it\u2019s almost not fair, as a pastor: you\u2019ve got to come up with a compelling 30 to 40 minute talk <em>every week<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u2014every week! \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jon:<\/strong> It\u2019s like: \u201cDo your <em>mining<\/em> for content.\u201d It\u2019s like: \u201cLet me go back. I have shared about the Texas scenario for a while,\u201d [Laughter] \u201cWhat about Tennessee?\u201d \u201cOkay, what about my early 20\u2019s?\u201d You\u2019re looking for fresh stuff; those people are there every week. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jon:<\/strong> You\u2019ve got to be kind on yourself in some capacity; but I definitely got those family boundaries: \u201cAsk for permission before you share anything. Make sure you\u2019ve shared it with your family.\u201d Again, I think that may be something I received as a blessing from an older generation. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> One of the things I picked up in your book, though\u2014and you tell me if I am accurate in this\u2014is that I, as I assessed even that hurt from my sons, in <em>my<\/em> mind, it was courage. It was <em>easier<\/em> to be intimate with 1,000\u2014because you\u2019re really <em>not<\/em>; you appear to be, but you are still holding a lot back as a pastor\u2014but it takes <em>courage<\/em> to look a 15-year-old in the eye and go somewhere, intimately, in a conversation. When I was reading your book, it felt like you have done that with Nate. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jon:<\/strong> I think I was very in touch with this; I was very in touch with: \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<ul><li>\n\t\t\t\t\t\u201cThe world is a <em>confusing<\/em> place. If you are a young man, your body is filled with chemicals; it is pushing you outward; you\u2019ve got erotic energy,\u201d \n\t\t\t\t<\/li>\n\t\t\t<\/ul><ul><li>\n\t\t\t\t\t\u201cYou\u2019re surrounded by kids binge watching porn on their phones,\u201d \n\t\t\t\t<\/li>\n\t\t\t<\/ul><ul><li>\n\t\t\t\t\t\u201cIt\u2019s a very confusing place; you\u2019re trying to test yourself with other men,\u201d \n\t\t\t\t<\/li>\n\t\t\t<\/ul><ul><li>\n\t\t\t\t\t\u201cYou\u2019re looking for a sense of identity and belonging.\u201d \n\t\t\t\t<\/li>\n\t\t\t<\/ul><p>\n\t\t\t\tIt\u2019s like they are very confusing years to navigate. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI <em>knew<\/em>, from my experience, I would have <em>projected<\/em> confidence: \u201cI don\u2019t need this; I\u2019m fine,\u201d \u201cDad, don\u2019t\u2014why are you talking to me? This is weird.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jon:<\/strong> My heart <em>ached<\/em> for it. I think I just remembered, \u201cMy heart aches for this, and I\u2019m not going to go for my son\u2019s surface behavior. I\u2019m going to go for his heart.\u201d I think there is a universal longing in the male heart to experience this. So I just <em>pushed<\/em> through and said, \u201cHey, I don\u2019t know if this is helpful or not, but I want to share this with you; because I remember very clearly when I was your age\u2026\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI try not to prescribe; I try to empathize. I would <em>never<\/em> say something like, \u201cWell, look, it\u2019s your first girlfriend. You\u2019re 15; don\u2019t worry about it.\u201d I try to <em>experience<\/em> it to the degree that he was experiencing it. At this point in his life, this is the <em>biggest<\/em> emotional event of his life. I need to respond and enter in like it is. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI think that, maybe, it was God\u2019s grace; or maybe because I\u2019m a super introspective person,\u00a0 I was trying to get in touch with it. I would spend a lot of time, actually\u2014I don\u2019t know if this is a best practice; I didn\u2019t put it in the book\u2014but it is like one of the reasons I did. I would always ask myself, \u201cWhen I was 14, what was I experiencing?\u201d I would go back: \u201cWas I dating anybody?\u201d \u201cWho were my teachers?\u201d \u201cWhat was I feeling?\u201d \u201cWhat was I <em>tempted<\/em> by?\u201d \u201cWhere was I confused?\u201d \u201cWhere was I insecure?\u201d\u00a0 I try and emotionally reenter that. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jon:<\/strong> When I talked to my son, I think it had a tone of humility and concern rather than like confidence and projection. Maybe, that is one of the things that opened the doors\u2014was really trying to remember that, emotionally, not just intellectually\u2014and then enter in, emotionally, at the state I felt like my son was at. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Well, Jon, the earlier episode, we talked about the five kinds of fathers: \u201cthe Irresponsible father,\u201d \u201cthe Ignorant father,\u201d \u201cthe Inconsistent father,\u201d \u201cthe Involved father\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u2014all the I\u2019s. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jon: <\/strong>\u2014all the I\u2019s.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u2014and then\u2014yes, \u201cthe Intentional father\u201d is where we ended, like even you sharing that story of like you\u2019ve wanted to connect to your son\u2019s heart\u2014you want him to know you; you guys want a relationship\u2014and that is that Intentional father. You have really gone to lengths. I love that you, not only talk about it, but you give us instructions of how you\u2019ve done this with your son. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt started\u2014how did you decide: \u201cOkay, it\u2019s starting at 13\u201d? Why then? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jon:<\/strong> If you study anthropology, you basically realize almost every society that has existed\u2014except ours, late Modern society\u2014has had a conscious agreed-upon pathway of formation for young men. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThere is a guy named James Hollis, who is a Jungian psychologist. He\u2019s done like\/he\u2019s basically a midlife specialist. He talks about the two adulthoods. It\u2019s like it\u2019s been popularized at 1,000 levels at the halftime crisis, falling upwards. He is sort of like the psychological framework behind it. He said, \u201cThe first adulthood is prepared at around age 13; because that is when a boy is basically experiencing puberty, and then he\u2019s trying to deal with these conflicting new energies.\u201d He said, \u201cAll societies had a six-step process to guide these energies into productive manhood:\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<ul><li>\n\t\t\t\t\tStep 1 was severing from the childhood environment, often by force, which means that kids were pulled out and had to realize: \u201cYou are entering into a liminal space. Childhood is over. The na\u00efve kid has to die somehow.\u201d So they were consciously removed; sometimes, by force. \n\t\t\t\t<\/li>\n\t\t\t<\/ul><ul><li>\n\t\t\t\t\tSecondly, there was like a death of childhood\u2014that in some societies, like we do baptisms\/buried with Christ\u2014like they would do a \u201cDeath of childhood ceremony,\u201d sometimes putting them in coffins. \n\t\t\t\t<\/li>\n\t\t\t<\/ul><ul><li>\n\t\t\t\t\tThen they would do, basically, a series of formational frameworks around three areas: \n\t\t\t\t<\/li>\n\t\t\t<\/ul><ol><li>\n\t\t\t\t\tNumber one, the religion of the community: \u201cThis is what it means to believe in <em>our<\/em> god as our people.\u201d \n\t\t\t\t<\/li>\n\t\t\t<\/ol><ol start=\"2\"><li>\n\t\t\t\t\tNumber two, the history of the people: \u201cThis is what it means to be one of us.\u201d \n\t\t\t\t<\/li>\n\t\t\t<\/ol><ol start=\"3\"><li>\n\t\t\t\t\tNumber three: \u201cHere are the roles you have to be good at to contribute to the society that you were born into.\u201d That would go on for some time. \n\t\t\t\t<\/li>\n\t\t\t<\/ol><p>\n\t\t\t\t4. Then they would enter into a thing called \u201cthe ordeal.\u201d The ordeal is where \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 they were sent out on their own to figure out whether all of those things \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 they have learned actually work: \u201cDid they possess them?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tFor the Australian Aboriginals, Michael Easter writes about this in his book, <em>The Comfort Crisis<\/em>: \u201cAboriginal young men were sent out into the Outback for up to six months. Everything in the Outback is trying to kill you: the sun, the earth, and every creature you see.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Is this like at 13?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jon:<\/strong> Later in teenage years\u2014not at 13\u201413 is initiation; but towards the end of it, towards adulthood: \u201cDo you have what it takes?\u201d is the question that was being asked of them. If they passed that, they would be welcomed back, blessed by, and recognized by the community of men. Then they would be integrated back into society to serve as a functional member of the tribe. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Now, if they didn\u2019t pass it, they were dead. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jon:<\/strong> That is exactly right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Six months! \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jon:<\/strong> So this is an important point, which I mention; there was actually a lot of pushback. Originally, there was a thing in there where a mum does what is called a directional dinner. At the end of the course that this book is built off of, it was called a <em>severing<\/em> dinner; and the amount of pushback I get is universal: \u201cWhat are you talking about? Mothers are important.\u201d Like, obviously, the fact that they inflicted this wound shows that they are important. It basically says the primary role of formation shifts from the mother to the father for a conscious period of time. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Well, you even said your wife <em>cried<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jon:<\/strong> Yes; \u201cOh, this is awful.\u201d I remember it so clearly, ran into the room, fell on the bed. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> I would; yes!9 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jon:<\/strong> So I asked my son when we were hiking across Spain\u2014I don\u2019t think I started doing this with him to turn this into a thing\u2014I did this with him because I loved my son. I was like, \u201cI\u2019ve got to figure this out.\u201d I got so much feedback over the course of time. People were like, \u201cYou should turn this into a thing.\u201d So when I was doing that, I said, Hey, Nate, I want to check with you. Hey, this is going to be a lot about your life.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tMy son gets the profits from this book, not me; that\u2019s how I\u2019m paying for his school. It\u2019s like he was open to it. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes, I bet he was open to it. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jon:<\/strong> So I said, \u201cHey, there is quite a lot of controversy around the <em>severing<\/em> dinner.\u201d He stopped; we were walking across Spain. He stops, and he goes, \u201cWhat are you talking about, Dad?\u201d I was like, \u201cPeople feel like it was too barbaric.\u201d He said, \u201cThat was so helpful for me, psychologically.\u201d He was like, \u201cIt was <em>so helpful<\/em> for me. I needed to know I was being pushed over into the community of men.\u201d He was like, \u201cI needed that line in the sand.\u201d He\u2019s like, \u201cYou <em>cannot<\/em> take that out.\u201d This is my son: \u201cYou <em>cannot<\/em> take that out, Dad. Young men will need this.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Well, talk about it. What was the ceremony? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes, and what is this walk across Spain? That\u2019s not something we hear every day. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Actually, that was later\u2014that came later\u2014but go back to the severing. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jon:<\/strong> Well, I mean, it\u2019s basically\/they did research at NYU, asking the question: \u201cWhen did helicopter parenting begin?\u201d and \u201cWhat were the consequences of it?\u201d The helicopter parent is the over-involved parent, who just does everything for the kid. 1990 was the year it began; and within a decade, the rates of depression and anxiety increased by 80 percent in one decade. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Whoa! \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jon:<\/strong> That\u2019s because kids no longer knew if they had what it took. It\u2019s like mum did everything for them. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, they talk about bulldozer parents, who just like clear the way; it\u2019s not even hovering\u2014it\u2019s like they literally get rid of all the obstacles for their kids\u2014call the college professor if they are mean to the child sort of a thing. It\u2019s like an 80 percent increase in anxiety and depression. That is like such a psychological shift; and I think it\u2019s because young people need a chance to test themselves, and grow, and express. I think there is something that happens so there is not some sort of Oedipus complex or whatever, where a young boy has to be severed from the influence of his mother and hand it to his father. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, my wife and my son have an <em>incredible<\/em> relationship\u2014and they did the entire time\u2014but she would say to him, \u201cYour father has to help you with this. He can give you things I <em>cannot<\/em> give you. I have not been where you are going through, so I push you back to your father.\u201d Her goal was to help cement that relationship. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br>Connected to this\u2014the whole idea was like\u2014\u201cThe difference between a boy and a man is like a series of shifts that have to happen to see this change work.\u201d She knew that she had a heart of comfort; so she would always: \u201cIt\u2019s okay; you\u2019re going to be okay,\u201d rather than \u201cYou\u2019ve got to suck it up, man. Life is hard; you\u2019re going to have to push through this.\u201d She didn\u2019t want that to be a dominating influence; she wanted him to have to lean into the pain in the development. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tShe took him out for a dinner and said, \u201cI\u2019m handing you over to your father for a period of conscious male formation,\u201d\u2014blessed him; wrote a letter to him; read it over him through tears; gave him some gifts\u2014said, \u201cI trust you, but this is now a journey you\u2019ve got to take with your father. I\u2019ll be here to support you, but like you and him are going to go into this journey of manhood.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> What do you say to the single mom\u2014or maybe even a blended family, where it\u2019s a different dad\u2014or first, talk about a single mom. My mom was a single mom. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jon:<\/strong> The best case scenario\u2014I believe there is some sacred role that a biological father has to his children that is like it\u2019s there\u2014it comes. Living in the world and culture that we do, the [majority] of homes now, I think, statistically actually come from biological two-family homes. Well, what does that mean? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHere\u2019s what it means: \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<ul><li>\n\t\t\t\t\t\u201cYou need to be intentional and not passive.\u201d \n\t\t\t\t<\/li>\n\t\t\t<\/ul><p>\n\t\t\t\tThe beauty of being a Christian is you have a church community that is around you. This whole book is written to be done in a cohort. I mean, we\u2019re talking about fatherhood directly; but the goal is: \u201cRely on the Christian community.\u201d If you\u2019re a mum in a half-decent church, there are going to be dads with a passion for mentoring, who will say, \u201cLet me step in, and let me help you.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tA <em>huge<\/em> reason I am committed to like try to <em>normalize<\/em> this\u2014I want to normalize this in every church in America\u2014\u201cThis is how we raise our kids,\u201d \u201cThis is how we raise young men\u201d; so then, she doesn\u2019t feel all the pressure on her own. The ideal scenario is like a counsel of dads\u2014it\u2019s a tribe of mentors; it\u2019s a community of men\u2014again, with the breakdown of the social fabric, social capital is basically gone in America. We\u2019re hiding behind our screens. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tChristians have a <em>distinct<\/em> advantage, because you have this web of relationships you can rely on and draw into. So to me, the ideal scenario is\u2014and I\u2019ve definitely relied on this\u2014the ideal scenario is: \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<ul><li>\n\t\t\t\t\tparent relationship; \n\t\t\t\t<\/li>\n\t\t\t\t<li>\n\t\t\t\t\tstudent ministry involvement and alignment; \n\t\t\t\t<\/li>\n\t\t\t\t<li>\n\t\t\t\t\tchurch vision and participation; \n\t\t\t\t<\/li>\n\t\t\t\t<li>\n\t\t\t\t\tand some kind of campus ministry connected to it. \n\t\t\t\t<\/li>\n\t\t\t<\/ul><p>\n\t\t\t\tIf you get those things lined up with mentors, that come along that can supplement what you can\u2019t do, that\u2019s the key. I would tell the mum: \u201cDo what you can. Your son will be eternally grateful. Then bring in people for those areas you feel like you need a specialist or whatever; and build a web; build a counsel of dads; build a tribe.\u201d To me, that\u2019s the beauty of a local church and settling into that. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u2014which is exactly what my mom did. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes, she did. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I didn\u2019t even know it. In some ways, she went to every coach I had, behind my back, and said, \u201cHey, Dave doesn\u2019t have a father; would you be that man in his life?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jon:<\/strong> That\u2019s <em>amazing<\/em>. That makes me want to weep; that\u2019s a <em>loving<\/em> mom. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I had no idea. She was intentional that way: intentional mother. Then she also was the mom that said, \u201cOh, you want a guitar? Yes, go mow some yards and shovel some driveways; and you\u2019ll get one.\u201d There was no hovering; there was no helicopter. It was like, \u201cYou\u2019ve got to become a man, and this is what men do.\u201d Honestly, this is powerful. <br><br><strong>Ann:<\/strong> I\u2019m thinking of Bill at our church, who is a dad that has\/all of his kids are grown\u2014but he works with middle school boys\u2014and then he stays with them\u2014like these six boys\u2014all the way through high school and graduation. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jon:<\/strong> Oh, I love that. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> He is on these jobs\u2014because he works for a motor company\u2014and yet, he has these side jobs of like redoing homes and renovations. He <em>always<\/em> has one of those boys with them, <em>teaching<\/em> them to become men. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jon:<\/strong> That\u2019s amazing; yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Bill Butler\u2014shout out to Bill\u2014because he parented his own kids, but he\u2019s a dad to so many. I think, in some ways, God is calling us, as men\u2014I know me, as a mentor now\u2014God is calling me to do that further. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jon:<\/strong> This is a transformational principle for men. Men often struggle with comparison\u2014so they are always, looking up and feeling inferior; looking around and feeling competitive\u2014and I\u2019m like, \u201cLook <em>down<\/em> and <em>raise up<\/em>; because to those people below you, you are the person they want to be like.\u201d When you deploy your energy down to raise up, I think it\u2019s such a joy. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shelby:<\/strong> As fathers, it is not intuitive for us sometimes to bring our kids alongside of us as we are doing life, day in and day out; but as Dave and Ann Wilson have been talking with Jon Tyson about being an Intentional father, it helps us to see that doing life alongside of your kids\u2014or rather, your kids doing life alongside <em>you<\/em>\u2014it\u2019s probably one of the <em>best<\/em> ways to invest in them and be intentional with them to make sure that they don\u2019t carry the same kind of wounds that we have from when we were kids. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tJon Tyson has written a book called <em>The Intentional Father<\/em>. If you head over to FamilyLifeToday.com, and make a donation of any amount, we are going to send you a copy of his book as a \u201cThank you,\u201d for being a part of adding to the ministry of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. Again, you can go to our website, FamilyLifeToday.com\u2014request your copy there\u2014or you can give us a call and make a donation at 1-800-358-6329; that\u2019s 1-800- \u201cF\u201d as in family, \u201cL\u201d as in life, and then the word, \u201cTODAY.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, if what Jon Tyson has been talking about today has been encouraging for you and helpful for you or your family, we\u2019d love for you to share today\u2019s podcast with a family member or friend. While you are there, it would be really <em>great<\/em> if you would scroll down and rate and review us. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br>Now, tomorrow, we\u2019re going to be back again with Jon Tyson; and he is going to be talking about what it means to be wise with your time and your energy with your kids\u2014about how significant it can be when we are taking time for our children\u2014that is coming up tomorrow. We hope you can join us again. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOn behalf of Dave and Ann Wilson, I\u2019m Shelby Abbott. We will see you back next time for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife, a Cru<sup>\u00ae <\/sup>Ministry. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHelping you pursue the relationships that matter most.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCopyright <sup>\u00a9<\/sup> 2022 FamilyLife. All rights reserved.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/\">www.FamilyLife.com<\/a>\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t\n\t\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\t1\n\t\t\t\t<\/p>"],"_seopress_titles_title":[""],"_seopress_titles_desc":[""],"_seopress_robots_index":[""],"duration":["00:24:59"],"show_notes":[""],"_thumbnail_id":["294104"],"filesize":["22.88M"],"filesize_raw":["23992019"],"_uag_css_file_name":["uag-css-307439.css"],"_uag_js_file_name":["uag-js-307439.js"],"_uag_page_assets":["a:9:{s:3:\"css\";s:82560:\".wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape-top svg{width: calc( 100% + 1.3px );}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape.uagb-container__shape-top .uagb-container__shape-fill{fill: rgba(51,51,51,1);}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape-bottom svg{width: calc( 100% + 1.3px );}.wp-block-uagb-container.uagb-block-e11dbe9f .uagb-container__shape.uagb-container__shape-bottom 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intentional fatherhood--how do we handle the ways we're weak? Author Jon Tyson offers tactics and hope to deal with inevitable wounds and weaknesses.","meta_box":{"show_notes":"","transcript_url":"https:\/\/transcript.familylife.com\/fl2022-03-17.pdf","transcript_content":"<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jon:<\/strong> They did research at NYU, asking the question: \u201cWhen did helicopter parenting begin?\u201d and \u201cWhat were the consequences of it?\u201d 1990 was the year it began; and within a decade, the rates of depression and anxiety increased by 80 percent in one decade. It\u2019s because kids no longer knew if they had what it took; it\u2019s like mum did everything for them. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Welcome to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>, where we want to help you pursue the relationships that matter most. I\u2019m Ann Wilson.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> And I\u2019m Dave Wilson, and you can find us at FamilyLifeToday.com or on our FamilyLife<sup>\u00ae<\/sup> app.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> This is <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>!\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> So I\u2019m sitting on the couch with CJ. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> How old was he? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> He was nine. You weren\u2019t there\u2014I think we were watching TV\u2014probably, football. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> [Laughter] Probably. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br><strong>Dave:<\/strong> Probably; we still do. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tAnyway, somehow, we get into this discussion about mistakes and dad mistakes. I say to him\/I go, \u201cCJ, did you know that the Bible actually says that the mistakes that a dad makes will go down into his sons? And his sons and daughters could possibly make the same mistakes,\u201d\u2014you know, the sins of the fathers; I didn\u2019t use that term\u2014but I just said, \u201c\u2026because of that.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Did that scare him? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I just remember\u2014he just looked at me\u2014again, he might have been eight or nine; he just looks at me. I go, \u201cCJ, what do you think of that?\u201d Oh, I did use the word, \u201csin,\u201d because I then quoted Exodus 20; because it\u2019s in the Ten Commandments. A lot of people don\u2019t realize it\u2019s in the Ten Commandments. It\u2019s that important that God is saying, \u201cBe careful, as a dad, because it\u2019s going to go into your legacy.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI remember saying the word, \u201csin\u201d; and CJ, nine years old\u2014I\u2019ll never forget this moment\u2014just looks at me; and I go, \u201cCJ, what do you think of that?\u201d He goes, \u201cDad, don\u2019t sin.\u201d [Laughter] Then he gets up and walks out of the room, nonchalantly, like, \u201cOf course, don\u2019t do it; because if you do it, I\u2019m going to do it.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> But he got it. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> He got it, and now he is 35. It\u2019s <em>crazy<\/em> to see that my sons have taken things from me\u2014good and bad\u2014some things they <em>never<\/em> knew I struggled with, but they are struggling with. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Let me ask you: \u201cAs a dad, as a father, and as a man, does that scare you?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Oh, the power we have to influence our sons <em>and<\/em> daughters is scary. I mean, it\u2019s <em>awesome<\/em> that God gave us this power; and moms have it too. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> I think that we, as moms, feel that. We watch\u2014I remember saying to you, \u201cDo you understand the power you carry?\u201d\u2014because I watched three little boys watching you constantly. They didn\u2019t watch <em>me<\/em>; they were watching <em>you<\/em>. I said, \u201cMan, you\u2019ve got <em>so much<\/em> power over them; it\u2019s <em>amazing<\/em>.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt\u2019s also scary for the wife; because I can tend to be critical and be like, \u201cYou should do this and that\u201d; but I was almost jealous of the power you carried over our sons. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> The scary thing is you want to have a vision of your son being a better man than you are.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe\u2019ve got Jon Tyson back with us today\u2014who is not only a dad\u2014because, you know, this is from a dad\u2019s heart, from a pastor\u2019s heart, and as an author that wrote about this. Welcome back to <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jon:<\/strong> It\u2019s good to be back and enjoying our continuing on this conversation. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Well, tell us: as you were sitting over there, I saw you smiling a bunch. What were you thinking about this whole conversation about the power of a dad?\u2014the sins of a father? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jon:<\/strong> I was just thinking about like: \u201cHow have I messed my son up?\u201d [Laughter] As you were talking, I\u2019m thinking through his life and what he struggles with; and I\u2019m like: \u201cThat\u2019s mine; that\u2019s from me,\u201d \u201cThat\u2019s from his mother,\u201d \u201cThat\u2019s from the culture.\u201d I\u2019m just like thinking through those things. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> You wrote about this in your book, <em>The Intentional Father<\/em>: <em>A Practical Guide to Raise Sons of Courage and Character. <\/em>If you missed yesterday, I\u2019m just telling you: \u201cListen and get the book. This book is going to change your life as a dad.\u201d\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tSomething you said yesterday, I wanted to follow up on. This concept called \u201cThe father wound,\u201d that we have sort of a wound from our dads. Is it universal? Even if you are the <em>best<\/em> dad in the world, is there a sense that somehow you are <em>not<\/em> going to be enough for your son? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jon:<\/strong> I think you are addressing two things, and they are both true. One thing is like: \u201cWill the father always feel inadequate?\u201d In some measure, \u201cYes,\u201d\u2014if you realize the sacred power, as you mentioned, that we have in parenting\u2014you realize we are shaping lives; we are releasing destinies. We are saying: \u201cThrow away phrases that will either wound,\u201d or \u201c\u2026release a kid 50 years into the future.\u201d I mean, it\u2019s an extraordinary sacred power that we have; it\u2019s a trust we are given. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tDownside of that is that it will be inevitable that we hurt our kids; it will be inevitable. Psychologists tell us wounds happen in two categories: it\u2019s either a lack of protection or a lack of nurture, which parents don\u2019t stop things happening to us that harm us or parents fail to give us the emotional nourishment and connection that we need. If you trace brokenness down to the roots of childhood, you\u2019ll often find it\u2019s in those two things. It\u2019s like: \u201cI didn\u2019t feel loved enough,\u201d \u201c\u2026affirmed enough,\u201d \u201c\u2026blessed,\u201d <em>or<\/em> \u201cMy parents didn\u2019t put boundaries up; and therefore, I experienced the harm of the world way too early.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br>I think, in some sense, we are doing both of those things in some small measure. To be honest with you, I think for sons, a lot of times, it was like: \u201cMy father was not nurturing enough,\u201d \u201cI wasn\u2019t affirmed enough; I wasn\u2019t blessed,\u201d \u201cI wasn\u2019t cared for,\u201d \u201cI wasn\u2019t encouraged,\u201d \u201cHe was absent,\u201d \u201cHe was emotionally distant,\u201d \u201cHe was <em>critical<\/em>,\u201d \u201cHe was distracted.\u201d That seems to be the number-one sort of wounding that I see. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br>Strangely enough, with daughters often, it\u2019s actually often the opposite; it\u2019s more like: \u201cThere was not enough protection. The boundaries weren\u2019t firm enough.\u201d Those are big, generic pastoral observations; but I think those categories bear themselves true. In some sense, we\u2019re always wounding, even with our best intent. Normally, we either do it in two categories: we either don\u2019t nurture like we should, or we don\u2019t protect like we should. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes; and one of the reasons I ask is I, obviously, felt that with an absent father; but then you know, as a young father, and raising sons, I had a plan; I sort of took them through rites of passage. In some sense, as they grew into men, I was thinking, \u201cI did a pretty good job\u201d; you know?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jon:<\/strong> You probably did do a pretty good job. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Well, here is the thing\u2014it\u2019s funny\u2014I <em>never<\/em> thought I did a great job; but I was like, \u201cI did so much better than my dad. They are going to be men, and they are going to thank me some day.\u201d They became men; and they sat down, and they go, \u201cDad, there are some things that you did that hurt me.\u201d I\u2019m like, \u201cWhat?!\u201d We\u2019ve had those adult conversations I think every dad and mom is going to have at some point with your adult kids\u2014maybe not\u2014but in some sense, I was like, \u201cReally?!\u2014you felt hurt or let down in some way.\u201d Of course, I should have expected that. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jon:<\/strong> Well, I think the good thing is that you have had a healthy enough relationship where they feel like they can bring that to you. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> That was what I was going to say. It says a lot about you that they would come and feel safe, and that they could say it. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I just want them to do it with Ann, not me. [Laughter] \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jon:<\/strong> Yes, it may be happening on the other side. I know my son talks to my wife Christy in ways he doesn\u2019t talk to me. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jon:<\/strong> The older they get\u2014when the kids get older and they get into it\u2014they will probably realize, \u201cGosh, Dad, probably did better than we are all aware of.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes; I mean, overall, my sons have been unbelievably appreciative and affirmative; but let me ask you this,\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jon:<\/strong> Yes? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u2014because I\u2019ve never asked a fellow pastor, who is a dad, this question. Two of my three sons said I was more intimate in my sermons with the congregation than they felt I was with them as my sons. They said they would be sitting there, even as teenagers, sometimes, and I would be sharing something with 1,000 people\u2014that is very vulnerable, and weakness, and a struggle, or something\u2014and they would turn to each other and go: \u201cDid you know that?\u201d \u201cI didn\u2019t know that,\u201d \u201cLook at that; he is baring his soul to people who he doesn\u2019t even know,\u201d and \u201cWon\u2019t do that,,,\u201d or \u201c\u2026hasn\u2019t done that in the family room.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI never knew this, when they were teenagers; but now, that they are 30-year-old men, they sat me down and said, \u201cDad, that was hurtful.\u201d I had <em>no<\/em> idea. I\u2019ll tell you this, Jon: the second it came out of their mouth, as adult men, I was like, \u201cYou are 1,000 percent right.\u201d There was no defensiveness; I was like, \u201cOoh!\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHave you experienced any of that, as a father, and as a pastor? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jon:<\/strong> You\u2019d have to ask my son about that. I mean, I think I\u2019ve got the benefit; you\u2019re probably a decade older than me. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> You don\u2019t have to <em>rub it in<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jon:<\/strong> No, I say that with <em>honor<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I think I\u2019m older than a decade than you. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jon:<\/strong> I\u2019m 44. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Okay. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jon:<\/strong> So how old are you? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Two decades. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jon:<\/strong> Okay, got you, sir. I think I\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I\u2019m glad you thought I was younger though; that\u2019s a compliment. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jon:<\/strong> I actually inherited, I think, the wisdom of your generation of fatherhood; because I think stuff like that\u2014I picked up on that. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes, yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jon:<\/strong> I think it was honestly at pastor\u2019s conferences and talks to dads about ministry and family dynamics. It was always: \u201cDon\u2019t share stuff with the congregation that you haven\u2019t shared with your family first.\u201d Look, and it\u2019s almost not fair, as a pastor: you\u2019ve got to come up with a compelling 30 to 40 minute talk <em>every week<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u2014every week! \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jon:<\/strong> It\u2019s like: \u201cDo your <em>mining<\/em> for content.\u201d It\u2019s like: \u201cLet me go back. I have shared about the Texas scenario for a while,\u201d [Laughter] \u201cWhat about Tennessee?\u201d \u201cOkay, what about my early 20\u2019s?\u201d You\u2019re looking for fresh stuff; those people are there every week. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jon:<\/strong> You\u2019ve got to be kind on yourself in some capacity; but I definitely got those family boundaries: \u201cAsk for permission before you share anything. Make sure you\u2019ve shared it with your family.\u201d Again, I think that may be something I received as a blessing from an older generation. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> One of the things I picked up in your book, though\u2014and you tell me if I am accurate in this\u2014is that I, as I assessed even that hurt from my sons, in <em>my<\/em> mind, it was courage. It was <em>easier<\/em> to be intimate with 1,000\u2014because you\u2019re really <em>not<\/em>; you appear to be, but you are still holding a lot back as a pastor\u2014but it takes <em>courage<\/em> to look a 15-year-old in the eye and go somewhere, intimately, in a conversation. When I was reading your book, it felt like you have done that with Nate. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jon:<\/strong> I think I was very in touch with this; I was very in touch with: \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<ul><li>\n\t\t\t\t\t\u201cThe world is a <em>confusing<\/em> place. If you are a young man, your body is filled with chemicals; it is pushing you outward; you\u2019ve got erotic energy,\u201d \n\t\t\t\t<\/li>\n\t\t\t<\/ul><ul><li>\n\t\t\t\t\t\u201cYou\u2019re surrounded by kids binge watching porn on their phones,\u201d \n\t\t\t\t<\/li>\n\t\t\t<\/ul><ul><li>\n\t\t\t\t\t\u201cIt\u2019s a very confusing place; you\u2019re trying to test yourself with other men,\u201d \n\t\t\t\t<\/li>\n\t\t\t<\/ul><ul><li>\n\t\t\t\t\t\u201cYou\u2019re looking for a sense of identity and belonging.\u201d \n\t\t\t\t<\/li>\n\t\t\t<\/ul><p>\n\t\t\t\tIt\u2019s like they are very confusing years to navigate. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI <em>knew<\/em>, from my experience, I would have <em>projected<\/em> confidence: \u201cI don\u2019t need this; I\u2019m fine,\u201d \u201cDad, don\u2019t\u2014why are you talking to me? This is weird.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jon:<\/strong> My heart <em>ached<\/em> for it. I think I just remembered, \u201cMy heart aches for this, and I\u2019m not going to go for my son\u2019s surface behavior. I\u2019m going to go for his heart.\u201d I think there is a universal longing in the male heart to experience this. So I just <em>pushed<\/em> through and said, \u201cHey, I don\u2019t know if this is helpful or not, but I want to share this with you; because I remember very clearly when I was your age\u2026\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI try not to prescribe; I try to empathize. I would <em>never<\/em> say something like, \u201cWell, look, it\u2019s your first girlfriend. You\u2019re 15; don\u2019t worry about it.\u201d I try to <em>experience<\/em> it to the degree that he was experiencing it. At this point in his life, this is the <em>biggest<\/em> emotional event of his life. I need to respond and enter in like it is. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tI think that, maybe, it was God\u2019s grace; or maybe because I\u2019m a super introspective person,\u00a0 I was trying to get in touch with it. I would spend a lot of time, actually\u2014I don\u2019t know if this is a best practice; I didn\u2019t put it in the book\u2014but it is like one of the reasons I did. I would always ask myself, \u201cWhen I was 14, what was I experiencing?\u201d I would go back: \u201cWas I dating anybody?\u201d \u201cWho were my teachers?\u201d \u201cWhat was I feeling?\u201d \u201cWhat was I <em>tempted<\/em> by?\u201d \u201cWhere was I confused?\u201d \u201cWhere was I insecure?\u201d\u00a0 I try and emotionally reenter that. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jon:<\/strong> When I talked to my son, I think it had a tone of humility and concern rather than like confidence and projection. Maybe, that is one of the things that opened the doors\u2014was really trying to remember that, emotionally, not just intellectually\u2014and then enter in, emotionally, at the state I felt like my son was at. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Well, Jon, the earlier episode, we talked about the five kinds of fathers: \u201cthe Irresponsible father,\u201d \u201cthe Ignorant father,\u201d \u201cthe Inconsistent father,\u201d \u201cthe Involved father\u2014\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u2014all the I\u2019s. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jon: <\/strong>\u2014all the I\u2019s.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> \u2014and then\u2014yes, \u201cthe Intentional father\u201d is where we ended, like even you sharing that story of like you\u2019ve wanted to connect to your son\u2019s heart\u2014you want him to know you; you guys want a relationship\u2014and that is that Intentional father. You have really gone to lengths. I love that you, not only talk about it, but you give us instructions of how you\u2019ve done this with your son. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tIt started\u2014how did you decide: \u201cOkay, it\u2019s starting at 13\u201d? Why then? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jon:<\/strong> If you study anthropology, you basically realize almost every society that has existed\u2014except ours, late Modern society\u2014has had a conscious agreed-upon pathway of formation for young men. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tThere is a guy named James Hollis, who is a Jungian psychologist. He\u2019s done like\/he\u2019s basically a midlife specialist. He talks about the two adulthoods. It\u2019s like it\u2019s been popularized at 1,000 levels at the halftime crisis, falling upwards. He is sort of like the psychological framework behind it. He said, \u201cThe first adulthood is prepared at around age 13; because that is when a boy is basically experiencing puberty, and then he\u2019s trying to deal with these conflicting new energies.\u201d He said, \u201cAll societies had a six-step process to guide these energies into productive manhood:\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<ul><li>\n\t\t\t\t\tStep 1 was severing from the childhood environment, often by force, which means that kids were pulled out and had to realize: \u201cYou are entering into a liminal space. Childhood is over. The na\u00efve kid has to die somehow.\u201d So they were consciously removed; sometimes, by force. \n\t\t\t\t<\/li>\n\t\t\t<\/ul><ul><li>\n\t\t\t\t\tSecondly, there was like a death of childhood\u2014that in some societies, like we do baptisms\/buried with Christ\u2014like they would do a \u201cDeath of childhood ceremony,\u201d sometimes putting them in coffins. \n\t\t\t\t<\/li>\n\t\t\t<\/ul><ul><li>\n\t\t\t\t\tThen they would do, basically, a series of formational frameworks around three areas: \n\t\t\t\t<\/li>\n\t\t\t<\/ul><ol><li>\n\t\t\t\t\tNumber one, the religion of the community: \u201cThis is what it means to believe in <em>our<\/em> god as our people.\u201d \n\t\t\t\t<\/li>\n\t\t\t<\/ol><ol start=\"2\"><li>\n\t\t\t\t\tNumber two, the history of the people: \u201cThis is what it means to be one of us.\u201d \n\t\t\t\t<\/li>\n\t\t\t<\/ol><ol start=\"3\"><li>\n\t\t\t\t\tNumber three: \u201cHere are the roles you have to be good at to contribute to the society that you were born into.\u201d That would go on for some time. \n\t\t\t\t<\/li>\n\t\t\t<\/ol><p>\n\t\t\t\t4. Then they would enter into a thing called \u201cthe ordeal.\u201d The ordeal is where \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 they were sent out on their own to figure out whether all of those things \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 they have learned actually work: \u201cDid they possess them?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tFor the Australian Aboriginals, Michael Easter writes about this in his book, <em>The Comfort Crisis<\/em>: \u201cAboriginal young men were sent out into the Outback for up to six months. Everything in the Outback is trying to kill you: the sun, the earth, and every creature you see.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Is this like at 13?\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jon:<\/strong> Later in teenage years\u2014not at 13\u201413 is initiation; but towards the end of it, towards adulthood: \u201cDo you have what it takes?\u201d is the question that was being asked of them. If they passed that, they would be welcomed back, blessed by, and recognized by the community of men. Then they would be integrated back into society to serve as a functional member of the tribe. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Now, if they didn\u2019t pass it, they were dead. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jon:<\/strong> That is exactly right. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Six months! \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jon:<\/strong> So this is an important point, which I mention; there was actually a lot of pushback. Originally, there was a thing in there where a mum does what is called a directional dinner. At the end of the course that this book is built off of, it was called a <em>severing<\/em> dinner; and the amount of pushback I get is universal: \u201cWhat are you talking about? Mothers are important.\u201d Like, obviously, the fact that they inflicted this wound shows that they are important. It basically says the primary role of formation shifts from the mother to the father for a conscious period of time. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Well, you even said your wife <em>cried<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jon:<\/strong> Yes; \u201cOh, this is awful.\u201d I remember it so clearly, ran into the room, fell on the bed. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> I would; yes!9 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jon:<\/strong> So I asked my son when we were hiking across Spain\u2014I don\u2019t think I started doing this with him to turn this into a thing\u2014I did this with him because I loved my son. I was like, \u201cI\u2019ve got to figure this out.\u201d I got so much feedback over the course of time. People were like, \u201cYou should turn this into a thing.\u201d So when I was doing that, I said, Hey, Nate, I want to check with you. Hey, this is going to be a lot about your life.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tMy son gets the profits from this book, not me; that\u2019s how I\u2019m paying for his school. It\u2019s like he was open to it. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Yes, I bet he was open to it. [Laughter]\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jon:<\/strong> So I said, \u201cHey, there is quite a lot of controversy around the <em>severing<\/em> dinner.\u201d He stopped; we were walking across Spain. He stops, and he goes, \u201cWhat are you talking about, Dad?\u201d I was like, \u201cPeople feel like it was too barbaric.\u201d He said, \u201cThat was so helpful for me, psychologically.\u201d He was like, \u201cIt was <em>so helpful<\/em> for me. I needed to know I was being pushed over into the community of men.\u201d He was like, \u201cI needed that line in the sand.\u201d He\u2019s like, \u201cYou <em>cannot<\/em> take that out.\u201d This is my son: \u201cYou <em>cannot<\/em> take that out, Dad. Young men will need this.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Well, talk about it. What was the ceremony? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes, and what is this walk across Spain? That\u2019s not something we hear every day. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Actually, that was later\u2014that came later\u2014but go back to the severing. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jon:<\/strong> Well, I mean, it\u2019s basically\/they did research at NYU, asking the question: \u201cWhen did helicopter parenting begin?\u201d and \u201cWhat were the consequences of it?\u201d The helicopter parent is the over-involved parent, who just does everything for the kid. 1990 was the year it began; and within a decade, the rates of depression and anxiety increased by 80 percent in one decade. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Whoa! \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jon:<\/strong> That\u2019s because kids no longer knew if they had what it took. It\u2019s like mum did everything for them. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, they talk about bulldozer parents, who just like clear the way; it\u2019s not even hovering\u2014it\u2019s like they literally get rid of all the obstacles for their kids\u2014call the college professor if they are mean to the child sort of a thing. It\u2019s like an 80 percent increase in anxiety and depression. That is like such a psychological shift; and I think it\u2019s because young people need a chance to test themselves, and grow, and express. I think there is something that happens so there is not some sort of Oedipus complex or whatever, where a young boy has to be severed from the influence of his mother and hand it to his father. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, my wife and my son have an <em>incredible<\/em> relationship\u2014and they did the entire time\u2014but she would say to him, \u201cYour father has to help you with this. He can give you things I <em>cannot<\/em> give you. I have not been where you are going through, so I push you back to your father.\u201d Her goal was to help cement that relationship. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br>Connected to this\u2014the whole idea was like\u2014\u201cThe difference between a boy and a man is like a series of shifts that have to happen to see this change work.\u201d She knew that she had a heart of comfort; so she would always: \u201cIt\u2019s okay; you\u2019re going to be okay,\u201d rather than \u201cYou\u2019ve got to suck it up, man. Life is hard; you\u2019re going to have to push through this.\u201d She didn\u2019t want that to be a dominating influence; she wanted him to have to lean into the pain in the development. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tShe took him out for a dinner and said, \u201cI\u2019m handing you over to your father for a period of conscious male formation,\u201d\u2014blessed him; wrote a letter to him; read it over him through tears; gave him some gifts\u2014said, \u201cI trust you, but this is now a journey you\u2019ve got to take with your father. I\u2019ll be here to support you, but like you and him are going to go into this journey of manhood.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> What do you say to the single mom\u2014or maybe even a blended family, where it\u2019s a different dad\u2014or first, talk about a single mom. My mom was a single mom. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jon:<\/strong> The best case scenario\u2014I believe there is some sacred role that a biological father has to his children that is like it\u2019s there\u2014it comes. Living in the world and culture that we do, the [majority] of homes now, I think, statistically actually come from biological two-family homes. Well, what does that mean? \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHere\u2019s what it means: \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<ul><li>\n\t\t\t\t\t\u201cYou need to be intentional and not passive.\u201d \n\t\t\t\t<\/li>\n\t\t\t<\/ul><p>\n\t\t\t\tThe beauty of being a Christian is you have a church community that is around you. This whole book is written to be done in a cohort. I mean, we\u2019re talking about fatherhood directly; but the goal is: \u201cRely on the Christian community.\u201d If you\u2019re a mum in a half-decent church, there are going to be dads with a passion for mentoring, who will say, \u201cLet me step in, and let me help you.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tA <em>huge<\/em> reason I am committed to like try to <em>normalize<\/em> this\u2014I want to normalize this in every church in America\u2014\u201cThis is how we raise our kids,\u201d \u201cThis is how we raise young men\u201d; so then, she doesn\u2019t feel all the pressure on her own. The ideal scenario is like a counsel of dads\u2014it\u2019s a tribe of mentors; it\u2019s a community of men\u2014again, with the breakdown of the social fabric, social capital is basically gone in America. We\u2019re hiding behind our screens. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tChristians have a <em>distinct<\/em> advantage, because you have this web of relationships you can rely on and draw into. So to me, the ideal scenario is\u2014and I\u2019ve definitely relied on this\u2014the ideal scenario is: \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<ul><li>\n\t\t\t\t\tparent relationship; \n\t\t\t\t<\/li>\n\t\t\t\t<li>\n\t\t\t\t\tstudent ministry involvement and alignment; \n\t\t\t\t<\/li>\n\t\t\t\t<li>\n\t\t\t\t\tchurch vision and participation; \n\t\t\t\t<\/li>\n\t\t\t\t<li>\n\t\t\t\t\tand some kind of campus ministry connected to it. \n\t\t\t\t<\/li>\n\t\t\t<\/ul><p>\n\t\t\t\tIf you get those things lined up with mentors, that come along that can supplement what you can\u2019t do, that\u2019s the key. I would tell the mum: \u201cDo what you can. Your son will be eternally grateful. Then bring in people for those areas you feel like you need a specialist or whatever; and build a web; build a counsel of dads; build a tribe.\u201d To me, that\u2019s the beauty of a local church and settling into that. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> \u2014which is exactly what my mom did. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> Yes, she did. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I didn\u2019t even know it. In some ways, she went to every coach I had, behind my back, and said, \u201cHey, Dave doesn\u2019t have a father; would you be that man in his life?\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jon:<\/strong> That\u2019s <em>amazing<\/em>. That makes me want to weep; that\u2019s a <em>loving<\/em> mom. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> I had no idea. She was intentional that way: intentional mother. Then she also was the mom that said, \u201cOh, you want a guitar? Yes, go mow some yards and shovel some driveways; and you\u2019ll get one.\u201d There was no hovering; there was no helicopter. It was like, \u201cYou\u2019ve got to become a man, and this is what men do.\u201d Honestly, this is powerful. <br><br><strong>Ann:<\/strong> I\u2019m thinking of Bill at our church, who is a dad that has\/all of his kids are grown\u2014but he works with middle school boys\u2014and then he stays with them\u2014like these six boys\u2014all the way through high school and graduation. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jon:<\/strong> Oh, I love that. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Ann:<\/strong> He is on these jobs\u2014because he works for a motor company\u2014and yet, he has these side jobs of like redoing homes and renovations. He <em>always<\/em> has one of those boys with them, <em>teaching<\/em> them to become men. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jon:<\/strong> That\u2019s amazing; yes. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Dave:<\/strong> Bill Butler\u2014shout out to Bill\u2014because he parented his own kids, but he\u2019s a dad to so many. I think, in some ways, God is calling us, as men\u2014I know me, as a mentor now\u2014God is calling me to do that further. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Jon:<\/strong> This is a transformational principle for men. Men often struggle with comparison\u2014so they are always, looking up and feeling inferior; looking around and feeling competitive\u2014and I\u2019m like, \u201cLook <em>down<\/em> and <em>raise up<\/em>; because to those people below you, you are the person they want to be like.\u201d When you deploy your energy down to raise up, I think it\u2019s such a joy. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>Shelby:<\/strong> As fathers, it is not intuitive for us sometimes to bring our kids alongside of us as we are doing life, day in and day out; but as Dave and Ann Wilson have been talking with Jon Tyson about being an Intentional father, it helps us to see that doing life alongside of your kids\u2014or rather, your kids doing life alongside <em>you<\/em>\u2014it\u2019s probably one of the <em>best<\/em> ways to invest in them and be intentional with them to make sure that they don\u2019t carry the same kind of wounds that we have from when we were kids. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tJon Tyson has written a book called <em>The Intentional Father<\/em>. If you head over to FamilyLifeToday.com, and make a donation of any amount, we are going to send you a copy of his book as a \u201cThank you,\u201d for being a part of adding to the ministry of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. Again, you can go to our website, FamilyLifeToday.com\u2014request your copy there\u2014or you can give us a call and make a donation at 1-800-358-6329; that\u2019s 1-800- \u201cF\u201d as in family, \u201cL\u201d as in life, and then the word, \u201cTODAY.\u201d \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tNow, if what Jon Tyson has been talking about today has been encouraging for you and helpful for you or your family, we\u2019d love for you to share today\u2019s podcast with a family member or friend. While you are there, it would be really <em>great<\/em> if you would scroll down and rate and review us. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<br>Now, tomorrow, we\u2019re going to be back again with Jon Tyson; and he is going to be talking about what it means to be wise with your time and your energy with your kids\u2014about how significant it can be when we are taking time for our children\u2014that is coming up tomorrow. We hope you can join us again. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tOn behalf of Dave and Ann Wilson, I\u2019m Shelby Abbott. We will see you back next time for another edition of <em>FamilyLife Today<\/em>. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<em>FamilyLife Today<\/em> is a production of FamilyLife, a Cru<sup>\u00ae <\/sup>Ministry. \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tHelping you pursue the relationships that matter most.\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\t<strong>\u00a0<\/strong>\n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tWe are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you\u2019ve benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider <a href=\"http:\/\/wp-stage.familylife.com\/www\/donate\">donating today<\/a> to help defray the costs?\u00a0 \n\t\t\t<\/p>\n\t\t\t<p>\n\t\t\t\tCopyright <sup>\u00a9<\/sup> 2022 FamilyLife. 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